Professional Documents
Culture Documents
by Nick Pontikis
(with apologies to grandpa Hesiod and uncle Homer)
PART ONE
Yes, part one. The dude's huge!
At least a two-part harmony, more if the Muse co-operates...
The birth of Zeus was a real howl. My great-greatuncle was the sixth son of Cronus (Saturn in
Latin) and Rhea (Ops in Latin). Remember
Cronus? He was the surgeon wannabe who
castrated his father Ouranos (Father Earth,
Uranus in Latin) and seized control of the universe,
way back when. That vile act no doubt made for
some rather tortured dreams, and Cronus constantly
worried that one of his offspring would in turn
supplant him. Matters were made worse when an
oracle warned him that indeed he was destined to be
deposed by one of his children. Cronus' meter was
ticking.
What's a paranoid god to do? Cronus didn't want to
be dethroned by his kid, so he ate all the children
that Rhea bore him immediately following their
birth. A very disgusting habit, if you ask me.
One by one, each child met the same fate. No
sooner were Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades and
Poseidon born, but they found themselves trapped
within father Cronus. I've heard of paternal bonding
after birth, but that's downright ridiculous!
Mama Rhea found this hard to swallow. 'If the big
lug wants to make lunch of my babies, let him carry
them in his belly for nine months, and let him feel
the excruciating joy of childbirth!' she would
mutter. 'Probably change his mind about what he
puts in his mouth!'
So Rhea tricked Cronus with the birth of Zeus by
replacing him with a stone wrapped in baby
comforters. Cronus swallowed down the stone and
thought himself safe.
Zeus.
Needless to say, being gods, the kids were unharmed,
albeit a tad startled...after all, one moment you're
trapped inside dad's belly, hoping he lays off the garlic
tonight, and the next second you're asked to take part in
the revolt of the Eons. Oh my. It's enough to make you
throw up.
Zeus was a brilliant strategist. He first task was to free
the Cyclopes ('Cies' to us, they were these gigantic, oneeyed towers of power) and the Hecatonchires (One
Hundred Handed Ones, they were giants endowed with
100 hands and 50 heads. Nobody in Greece could
pronounce their darn name, 'Hecatonchires', so we
called them the 'E-Cats').
The Cies and E-Cats were held in Tartarus where
Cronus had imprisoned them, and they were so grateful
to be freed that they gave Zeus thunder and lightning as
a reward for releasing them. To Poseidon they gave his
lethal trident, and to Hades a helmet that rendered its
wearer invisible.
(Why didn't they just use the thunder, lightning, trident
and helmet to free themselves earlier? Good question.
You ask them.)
Thus began the reign of Zeus. Now the Big Guy was
armed. Together with his born-again siblings (sure hope
they had a nice long bath first!), who assembled under
Zeus' leadership, he found himself at the head of a real
army.
The war against father Cronus lasted ten long years, but
finally Hades snuck up unseen on dad, wearing his
funky helmet of invisibility, his bro Poseidon held
Cronus captive with his paralyzing trident, and my
godfather Zeus struck him dead with a bolt of lightning.
Talk about a 1-2-3 knock-out punch!
The death of Cronus was followed by an attack from
Atlas and the Titans, but with the help of the Cyclopes
and the handy E-Cats, Zeus' army prevailed and the
enemy was sunk.
You should have seen the Cies and E-Cats in action with
Zeus! While the Cyclopes 'kept an eye out' for attack
Ah, but with the defeat of the Titans, the fun was just
beginning. Gaia (Mother Earth), now angry that her
adorable little Titans had in turn been imprisoned, gave
birth to one last offspring, a horrid creature named
Typhoeus (Also known as Typhoon and Typhon. We
called him Ty, he reminded us of a ball player who
played on the Olympus Tigers). How ugly was Ty? Let's
just say that when he was small, Gaia would tie a pork
chop around his neck just so that Cerberus, the threeheaded dog, would play with him...
Grandpa Hesiod had the most apt description of Ty:
'Typhon was the largest, most dangerous and most
grotesque of all creatures. Nothing but coiled serpents
from the thighs down, Typhon possessed the head of an
ass and arms that stretched one hundred leagues in each
direction, with serpents' heads where hands should be.'
Opa! With his new found flame and stature, man did the
upright thing and began to prosper, building homes,
opening restaurants, cooking his meals, and keeping
warm in the winter. Fire...What a concept! Well done,
Pro. You the man!
Prometheus did little to disguise the fact that he much
preferred man to the Olympians. After all, most of his
family had been banished to Tartarus following their
Titanic sinking in the battle versus my godfather. Pro
was looking for a way to get back at Zeus, and soon an
opportunity presented itself.
As his bounty from man, Zeus decreed that a portion of
each animal they sacrificed be given to him. Hey, he's
the godfather! Are you going to deny him his cut?
That's when brave Prometheus decided to hustle Zeus.
He created two piles as his offering, one with plain old
bones hidden inside some juicy fat, the other with the
good edible parts concealed in the ugly hide, disguising
them further by piling entrails on top. Gutsy move. He
then asked Zeus to pick one pile, and that would be his
future offering.
Door #1 or door #2, Big Guy?
Guess what? Yup, Zeus fell for Pro's slick move - He
picked the bones and had to accept that as his share of
all future sacrifices. Thereafter only fat and bones were
burned to the gods upon their altars, men kept the good
meat for themselves.
(In this particular sharing of the wealth, Man got the
elevator, Zeus got the shaft, grandpa Hesiod liked to
say...Proves his point that Zeus really developed no
brains until Athena was born out of his forehead. Leave
it to my great-aunt to smarten up the numero uno Wise
Guy...)
And was Zeus ever humiliated! For months he was the
butt of endless late night jokes down at Thanasi's
Olympus Greek Restaurant.
I recall the immortal Greek tragicomedist,
Lettermanius of Sparta, cracking up the room with his
Top Ten Reasons Zeus Picked Bones Over Meat. Of
course, he always waited until Zeus split for the night,
Lettermanius of Sparta's
TOP 10 REASONS
ZEUS PICKED PRO'S BONES OVER MEAT
knows it!
"Nobody takes my goats!"
Oh my...I rarely saw my grandpa Hesiod so
animated...Messy divorces will do that to you I guess...
A greater punishment lay in store for Prometheus. When
he was done exacting his revenge on men, Zeus turned
his vengeful eye on the arch-sinner Pro. The ruler of the
universe remembered how much he owed Prometheus
for helping him conquer the other Titans, but how
quickly he forgot his debt! In this case, it was a "What
have you done for me lately?" sort of thing.
My godfather called on his servants, Force and
Violence - Let me tell you about these oafs. They were a
couple of big ugly thugs, no necks, real light in the
smarts department, but strong as Hades and not overly
conducive to polite conversation.
The tough guys forcefully seized my man Pro and
violently delivered him high atop Mount Caucasus.
There they chained Prometheus
To a high-piercing, headlong rock
In adamantine chains that none can break
and just to rub it in, they told him:
Forever shall the intolerable present grind you down.
And he who will release you is not born.
Such fruit you reap for your man-loving ways.
A god youself, you did not dread God's anger,
But gave the mortals honor not their due.
And therefore you must guard this joyless rock -No rest, no sleep, no moment's respite.
Groans shall your speech be, lamentation your only
words.
(Needless to say, Force and Violence weren't quite so
loquacious.
The above are grandpa Hesiod's words.)
You'd think that was punishment enough, right?
Noooo...High atop the mountain, the bound Prometheus
was tormented every day by an eagle sent by Zeus, that
would feast on his liver. To make matters worse, Pro's
But let's get back to Zeus. The stone that Cronus expelled
along with Zeus' siblings became the centerpiece of the
Delphic Oracle, which was a form of ancient Dial-APsychic. (Their slogan was "For every seer there is a
sucker.")
My friends and I once checked out the place, but it was a
complete waste of good drachmas. The famous Oracle of
Delphi turned out to be just a bunch of spaced-out freaks
sitting lotus-like around a stone, inhaling noxious fumes,
listening to the same Grateful Dead album over and over,
convulsing and raving wildly, and in the name of 'divine
inspiration' trying to tell you your business.
And the darn Oracles never had good news, it seems,
always terrorizing gods and mortals alike with their morbid
and dire predictions: 'Your firstborn will grow up and sleep
with his mother, then mortified he will gouge out his eyes.
You can prevent this by murdering your children as they're
born. That'll be 100 drachmas, please.'
See what I mean? It's enough to give Oedipus a complex.
Who needs it? I've often said that the Oracles of Delphi are
priests and priestesses who will take your sundial, then tell
you what time it is. For a price. Today we call them
'consultants'.
The main players in the conflict then drew lots to divide the
spoils of victory: Zeus got the heavens; Poseidon the sea;
and Hades the underworld (Hey! You forgot the earth!)
So Zeus established his supremacy among the Olympians,
but initially his reign was a rocky one, full of conflict and
sexual misadventures.
Zeus first sought to seduce Metis, who tried to discourage
the union by continually changing form, trying to escape
him. Some guys just can't take 'no' for an answer, and
young Zeus was one of them. He pursued Metis
mercilessly, altering his form right along with her. "See,
baby, I can change for you!" we heard him yell, but she
wasn't convinced. His reputation preceded him.
He finally caught up to the exhausted Metis, who briefly
considered charging him with stalking. Zeus married and
impregnated her, but when he found out from Mother Earth
that any son Metis produced would dethrone him, Zeus
swallowed his wife. Shortly thereafter, Athena sprung out
of his head, fully armed and clothed, shouting a war cry
heard in the heavens and earth. You can get the complete
story of goddess Athena, and then some, by reading
January's Myth of the Month.
Even though initially she gave him a major headache, my
great-aunt Athena was Zeus' favourite child, and eventually
he turned over to her his Aegis, the protective shield which
used to be Amy. Athena accessorized it by adding Medusa's
head to it. She was the only one permitted full use of Zeus'
weapons, including his devestating thunderbolts. My
grandpa Hesiod said that Zeus had no brains until Athena
was born out of his head, making him instantly wise. My
beloved aunt always had that kind of influence on people,
she enriched your life and mind.
But before Zeus smartened up, he embarked on a journey of
frenzied debauch that eventually turned his fellow
Olympians against him. First he sought out his twin sister,
Hera, came to her in a disguise and ravished her. They were
married and spent a wedding night that was said to have
lasted three hundred years.
ZEUS II
KING OF THE OLYMPIANS
(Roman name: Jupiter, Jove)
by Nick Pontikis
(with apologies to grandpa Hesiod and uncle Homer)
PART TWO
Yes, part two. The dude's huge!
At least a two-part harmony, more if the Muse co-operates...
(PS: If you haven't read Part I yet, do so first,
or much of Part II will be Greek to you!)
dead with a thunderbolt if I'm lying! But there's no avoiding the fact that, when
he was young, the king of the Olympians "...lacked restraint in the
gratification of his various lusts," to put it mildly.
Why don't you send the little ones to bed, pour yourself a cup of Nectar, and
snuggle up for a bit, while I tell you about the amorous fables and foibles of
Zeus, the king of the Casanovas...I'll try to keep it clean, but I'm not promising
anything.
After overthrowing papa Cronus, kicking some Giant and Titan butt, and
splitting the spoils three ways with his siblings Hades and Poseidon (see Part
I), Zeus set himself up as the unchallenged Numero Uno. But too much power
corrupts, and there was nobody to restrain young Zeus. He embarked on a
journey of seduction and frenzy that thundered around the Universe...
Only Zeus, the father of heaven, could yield the thunderbolt, and it was the
threat of this awesome weapon that kept his quarrelsome and rebellious family
of Mount Olympus under control. When his mother Rhea, foreseeing what
trouble his lust would cause, forbade him to marry, Zeus threatened to violate
her. At once she turned into a menacing serpent. Undaunted, Zeus became a
male serpent, twined around his mom in a tight knot, and made good his threat.
Bummer. Hate when that happens...
Thus began his long series of adventures in love. With Themis he fathered the
Seasons and the Three Fates; sired the Charites (Graces) with Eurynome; and
he had the Muses with Mnemosyne, the goddess of Memory, with whom he
lay for nine nights (she never forgot that!) Even Persephone, the Queen of the
Underworld, was his child by the nymph Styx...or was she his daughter with
HERA
Deciding to keep things in the family, Zeus first sought to seduce his twin
sister Hera. Not being incestuously inclined, Hera rebuffed her brother's
advances, and his courting fell on deaf ears. So guess what my godfather did:
Playing the pathos card to the max, he transformed himself into a sad-looking
and bedraggled cuckoo, shivering from the cold rain. Hera took pity on the
poor bird and tenderly warmed him in her bosom.
Bingo! That's when Zeus resumed his true shape and ravished her, so that she
was shamed into marrying him. He's been driving her cuckoo ever since...
Their wedding day was the biggest bash ever and Hera's gifts included a tree
with golden apples from Mother Earth (Gaea), the same one later guarded by
the Hesperides in Hera's orchard on Mount Atlas. They spent their wedding
night on the island of Samos, and it lasted three hundred years. Afterwards,
Hera bathed in the spring of Canathus, near Argos, and thus renewed her
virginity. Knowing how much Zeusy liked virgins, she returned each year to
re-purify herself. Aphrodite enjoyed the idea so much that she annually
renewed her own virginity at Paphos.
(Someone should have opened a resort, and called it the "You Lose It, We Find
It Vestal Spa.")
With Hera, Zeus fathered Ares, Hephaestus and Hebe, although there are other
versions of their births, particularly Hephaestus, who was a parthenogenous
child. (That's just a fancy way of saying he had a virginal birth.) Uncle
Hephaestus didn't believe it when Hera broke the news of his birth to him, he
thought she just didn't like the sickly child, so he crafted and imprisoned her in
a funky mechanical chair with arms that folded and held the sitter, thus forcing
her to swear by the river Styx that she did not lie. You should have heard her
swear!
Hera and my godfather bickered constantly. Incensed by his infidelities, she
often humiliated him by her scheming ways. Though he would confide his
secrets to her, and sometimes accept her advice, he never fully trusted Hera,
and she knew that if offended beyond a certain point he would flog or even
hurl a thunderbolt at her.
So she resorted to ruthless intrigue and sometimes even borrowed my cousin
Aphro's golden girdle, to excite his passion and thus weaken his will. But that
didn't stop Zeus from shamelessly tramping around every chance he got...
I'm here to tell you that it really upset my godfather when Dionysus called him
'mom.' Danny even got drunk one night and had 'MOM' tattooed on his arm,
underneath a picture of Zeus...
LETO
Crete to Athens, to the island of Aegina in the Saronic Gulf, to Athos in
Thrace, to Mount Pelion in Thessaly, to the Aegean island of Samos off the
western coast of Asia Minor, to the island of Peparethus north of Euboea, to
Mount Ida, to the city of Phocaea in Asia Minor, to the island of Imbros in
northern Aegean Sea, to Lemnos, to the island of Lesbos in the Aegean Sea
opposite the coast of Asia Minor, to the island of Chios off the coast of Ionia in
Asia Minor, to Mount Mimas opposite Chios, to the rock Corycius on the coast
of Asia Minor in Cilicia, to Clarus near Ephesus, to the promontory Mycale in
Ionia on the mainland opposite Samos, to Miletus in Caria, to Cos off the
southwestern coast of Asia Minor, to Cnidos, Naxos, Paros and many other
lands.
Whew!
A six-month Greek Island voyage on the Olympic Cruise Lines? No. These are
some of the places Leto visited while trying to find a spot to deliver her twins
Artemis and Apollo. Now that's hard labor! Listen to this story:
Leto was the daughter of the Titans Coeus and Phoebe. Not being content with
simply seducing her, kinky Zeus transformed himself and her into quails when
they coupled. He never explained that one to me, probably too embarrassed to
talk about it. Hey, don't we all have some youthful episodes we'd just as soon
forget?
Hera was not amused at Zeus's bird-brained tactic. In a foul mood, she sent the
serpent Python to pursue Leto all over the world, and decreed that she should
not be delivered of her twins in any place where the sun shone.
(Actually, she said to Leto to stick her and Zeus's twins "In a place where the
sun don't shine," but Leto misunderstood...)
So Zeus let the North Wind (Boreas) carry her away and the wind bore her to
Poseidon, who protected her without violating Hera's decree, by taking her to
the island of Ortygia which he covered with waves. That is why Python could
not find her, and when this dragon had returned to Mount Parnassus, Poseidon
brought the island to the surface of the sea.
It is said that several goddesses were present when Leto was about to give
birth, among them Rhea, Themis and Amphitrite, Poseidon's wife. But after
nine days of travail the goddess of childbirth Ilithyia had not yet arrived, for
she was kept in heaven by the envy of Hera. But the goddesses who kept Leto
company bribed the heavenly messenger Iris with a necklace strung with
golden threads, and she brought Ilithyia to Delos.
On her arrival Leto cast her arms around a palm tree (though some say she was
clinging to an olive tree - hey, palm tree, olive tree, Christmas tree, after nine
days of labor all trees look alike!) and, kneeling on the meadow, gave birth,
first to Artemis and then, with the help of Artemis' midwifery, to Apollo. And
so after her travail she bathed in the river Cenchrius.
The immortal Pindar described what happened when Leto was about to give
birth thus:
"When Leto in the frenzied pangs of childbirth set foot upon Delos, then
did four pillars, resting on adamant, rise perpendicular from the roots of
the earth, and on their capitals sustain the rock. And there she gave birth
to, and beheld, her blessed offspring."
Her troubles did not stop after giving birth, for it is said that Leto, having
arrived with her newborns to a certain place in Lycia in Asia Minor where
there was a lake, was forbidden by the inhospitable locals to quench her thirst.
No matter how much she begged the chumps to let her drink, they would still
forbid her to touch the water, and as Leto insisted the Lycian peasants
threatened her and soiled the pool with their feet and hands, stirring up the
mud from the bottom.
"Don't spit in the soup, we've all got to eat," is advice the Lycians never
learned. Seeing them so tight-fisted and mean, and at the same time so in love
with the pool, Leto turned them into frogs so that they could live in its depth,
forever enjoying the water and the mud.
Among the first things the twin gods Apollo and Artemis did as soon as they
were born was to punish all the men of that time who, when Leto was pregnant
and in the course of her wanderings, refused to receive her when she came to
their land.
Paybacks are a bitch!
Only four days after his birth Apollo went to Mount Parnassus and killed the
dragon Python, thus avenging his mother, though others say the dragon was at
Delphi keeping the oracles of Themis. Four days old? Those ancient Greeks
sure developed fast!
Leto was once attacked by the giant Tityus, son of Gaea (Mother Earth), or son
of Zeus & Elare. I suspect that Hera sent him against Leto and he attempted to
rape the goddess. But the twins Artemis and Apollo killed him, or perhaps the
thunderbolt of Zeus, and he is still being punished in the Underworld for
having tried to violate Leto.
There, a couple of vultures, or as some say a serpent, eat his liver, which grows
with the moon, for ever. Ever-thoughtful Prometheus once sent Titius a "Been
there - Done that, got the scars to prove it!" postcard.
Leto was also insulted by Queen Niobe, wife of King Amphion, who boasted
that she was more blessed with children than Leto and besides that, they were
more beautiful. Bad, bad move.
You see, Niobe got so full of herself, and with the prosperity of the kingdom,
that she began to wonder how people could be so stupid to worship the power
and wealth of the gods, which is of an invisible kind, instead of being devoted
to the tangible things they had in front of their eyes. She thought it convenient
to introduce reforms in the religious rites and ordinances, so that their subjects
could attain a more down to earth form of understanding.
In other words, why worship mere Leto, when you can worship glorious
Niobe, fools!
Coming to the temple of Leto, she addressed the worshippers:
"What madness this, to prefer gods whom you have only heard of to those
whom you have seen?"
And after displaying her own family tree she explained to the people that in
her palace there were great stores of wealth, that her own beauty was worthy of
a goddess, and that whatever story had been told about Leto, it could not be
compared with the splendor of her own biography. For, among other things,
while she Niobe had many children, Leto had but two, and somewhat suspect
too, because Artemis was girt in a man's attire and Apollo wore long hair and
used a woman's robe.
She didn't come right out and say it, but the insinuation was there that she
considered Artemis a lesbian and Apollo gay.
Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Niobe, history's first recorded homophobe.
And to remind the people that her words were backed by power, Niobe ordered
the worshippers to take off the laurel wreaths from their hair and leave the
temple. So those who prayed, fearing religious intolerance, left the temple
without a word, but as it often happens, with unchanged mind.
Apollo and Artemis swiftly made it their mission to avenge their insulted
mother.
"Let's go show the good lady the type of mayhem a couple of queers can
perpetrate, sis!" said Apollo.
And coming down from heaven they shot their arrows from afar against the
children of Niobe, who one after the other fell dead.
During nine days the Niobids lay in pools of blood, for there was no one to
bury them because Zeus had turned the people into stone. So it was only in the
tenth day that the gods buried them themselves and then Niobe, who was
exhausted because of her grief, started eating again.
However some have said that not all of them perished, the Niobids Amyclas
and Chloris having been spared by the gods because of their prayers to Leto.
Chloris, who never lost the paleness that the fright caused her, became Queen
of Pylos in Messenia after having married Neleus, and their son Nestor was
granted by Apollo an unusual long life because the god wished to give back the
years he had taken from these young men and women.
And that was the end of the house of Amphion, who killed himself because of
grief at the death of his children, and as some add, he is also being punished in
Hades for having mocked Leto and her children. Also Zethus, Amphion's twin
brother died, as they say, of a broken heart.
The Niobids were buried at Thebes but Niobe left the city after the death of her
children and went to her father's place at Sipylus, near Smyrna in Asia Minor,
and there she was transformed by Apollo into a stone from which tears flow
night and day. Those who have been at this place in Mount Sipylus had said
that the rock lacks any resemblance to a woman when the observer is close to
it, but that going further away one can see the form of a woman in tears, with
her head bowed down.
During the Trojan War Leto and her children sided with the Trojans, and she,
together with her daughter healed the wounded Aeneas in a sanctuary, while
Apollo fashioned a wraith in his likeness to delude the warriors in the
battlefield.
IO
Next in line was a beauty called Io. She was the daughter of the river god
Inachus, the first King of Argos, and a priestess in one of her father's temples
to Hera.
Now, there was fair Io, minding her own virginity, when my lustful godfather
spotted her. Rumor had it that Iynx, daughter of Pan and Echo, cast a spell on
Zeus and made him fall hopelessly in love with Io, but hers was such a pure
beauty that magic wasn't really necessary. Pain-in-the-neck Hera turned Inyx
into a wryneck as punishment. (A wryneck is a gray-brown woodpecker with
an annoying habit of stretching and twisting its neck.)
The Oracles (remember those spaced-out shysters from Part I?) made it clear
to daddy Inachus that Zeus would wreak havoc on his kingdom if his daughter
Io wasn't immediately expelled, so that my godfather could have his way with
her. What's a concerned father to do? Without even bothering to get a second
opinion, Inachus kicked Io out! What a jerk! I suppose the river god didn't
want to go against the flow...
Quick to seize the
vulnerable moment,
Zeus wrapped the
earth in a black cloud
so dark and thick that
night seemed to
envelop the day. Thus
he hoped to hide
himself and Io, using
the cloud cover to
ravish the unfortunate
girl.
Duh. Man, was my
godfather dense when
the testosterone ruled!
Aunt Hera, being
alerted by the sudden
mid-day darkness that
hubby was up to no
good, knew perfectly
well the score. She
paged him all over
Olympus, and when he
didn't return her calls,
swiftly she glided
down to earth to have
a peek, ordering the
black cloud begone!
Zeus' sixth sense
warned him of
impending doom, so
hurriedly he
transformed Io into a
beautiful white heifer,
much to Io's dismay.
"I know I got to lose a couple of pounds," Io thought to
herself, "but this is udderly ridiculous! I feel like such a
cow!"
Io away.
Still not trusting Zeus, Hera assigned her watchman
Argus to keep an eye on Io. Seeing as Argus had one
hundred eyes, the arrangement was most suitable for my
aunt. He could sleep with some eyes and keep on guard
with the rest.
"Tether this beast secretly to an olive-tree at Nemea," she
told the hundred-eyed Argus.
(Argus was kind of proud of his freaky looks, but man
did he get ripped off whenever he ordered a pair of
prescription eye-glasses! He was only doing the rent-acop gig for Hera because she promised to pay his optical
bills...)
Zeus was helpless. He watched Io's misery, transformed
into a beast and driven from her home, with that monster
Argus always ogling her. What a creep! Can't a heifer get
some privacy already?! What kind of perverse Orwellian
nightmare is this?, she wondered.
Still, the cowed Zeus dared not come to her aid; his fear
of Hera's wrath inhibited his actions.
Finally Zeus sent for Hermes, the clever messenger god,
and told him that he was putting a contract out on the
head of Argus, and would dear, faithful Hermes please
perform the hit.
"Major IOU, Hermy! Just don't let Hera hear of it!"
Since Hera had hidden Io so well, Zeus changed himself
into a woodpecker, of all things, and showed Hermes the
way.
Eager to oblige the Big Guy, the cantankerous Hermes
disguised himself as a peasant. Closely following
'woody', he located Io, then appeared on earth, playing
very sweetly upon a pipe of reeds borrowed from his
buddy Pan (the original, not Peter).
Mannerless oaf that he was, Argus nevertheless was
moved by the music and, once he realized there was no
cover charge, he beseeched Hermes to come nearer and
sit by him on the rocks, playing right into Hermes' ploy.
his divine touch restore her human form. She would bear
him a son named Epaphus, and live forever after happy
and honored. And
Know this, that from your race will spring
One glorious with the bow, bold-hearted
And he shall set me free.
He was referring of course to Heracles (Hercules), the
greatest of heroes, to whom Pro would owe his freedom.
More on my nephew Herc later.
Her son by Zeus, Epaphus, became in time king of Egypt
and founded the city of Memphis, and it is said that from
him sprang the Libyans and the Ethiopians. But Hera
wasn't done tormenting Io just yet. She sent the Curetes,
part of her posse, to kidnap Epaphus, which they did. My
godfather Zeus got so angry at this that he struck the
Curetes dead with his thunderbolts.
So once again off went Io, this time hoofing it in search
of her son. Eventually she found Epaphus and returned
to Egypt with him. There she built a statue and temple to
Demeter, introducing the goddess whom the Egyptians
called Isis.
(If you were privy to some late-night debates down at
Thanasi's Olympus Greek Restaurant, you'd learn that
Zeus turned Io into a goddess to make up for the grief
he'd caused her, and it was actually her whom the
Egyptians worshipped as Isis. The Persians on the other
hand claim that Io was one of the women kidnapped by
Phoenician merchants and brought to Egypt to be sold.
Supposedly this was the first link of a long chain of
kidnappings of women - Europa, Medea, and Helen
being the most notable.)
Io is one of the Three Main Ancestors, and her children
were the founders of important cities like Mycenae,
Thebes and Argos. Her offspring dominated also Crete,
Laconia and perhaps Arcadia. The Heraclides were
descendants of Io. So were, among others, Cadmus,
Perseus and my nephew Heracles.
Io also made a geographic impact, as many of the places
she visited while trying to shoo the gadfly were named
after her, including Ionia (the western coast of Asia
EUROPA
Sometimes Hera was pre-occupied, and Zeus was free to
do as he pleased. One morning, as he idly surveyed the
earth, my godfather saw a young maiden named Europa,
daughter of the King of Sidon. The young beauty was
troubled: Just before dawn, she had the strangest dream,
that two continents, each in the shape of a woman, had
tried to possess her.
One of the continents was Asia, but Europa couldn't
determine who the other one was.
Unable to get back to sleep, Europa roused her
companions, noble girls her own age, and told them that
they were going to pick some flowers in the blooming
meadows by the sea. Often they went there, to dance and
bathe their fair bodies and gather flowers.
They filled their baskets with sweet-smelling narcissus
and hyacinths and violets and yellow crocus, and most
radiant of all, the crimson splendor of the wild rose. The
girls delighted in gathering the flowers, wandering hither
and fro over the meadow. Zeus in heaven watched with
lust the young maidens, each one more fair than the
other, yet none as radiant as Europa.
Well. Who should chance by but my second cousin
Aphrodite, goddess of love, in the escort of her
mischievous son Eros (Cupid). One well-aimed arrow
from Cupid, and Zeus was instantly in love with Europa.
He just had to have her!
Even though wife Hera was away, my godfather had
learned to be cautious, so he transformed himself into a
bull. But not just any bull, but one beautiful beyond all
bulls that ever were, pure white, with a silver circle on
his brow and horns like the crescent of the moon.
Struck by his beauty, and finding him gentle as a lamb,
Europa mastered her fear and began to play with him.
CALLISTO
PALACE REVOLT!