8 KEYS TO

PARENTING
CHILDREN
WITH ADHD

CINDY GOLDRICH

FOREWORD BY BABETTE ROTHSCHILD

W.W. Norton & Company

New York London

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Introduction
I have not failed. Ive just found 10,000 ways that wont work.
Thomas Edison

They dont mean to frustrate you. They dont want to make life so

challenging and difficult, for you or for themselves.

Just as some children have trouble learning how to read, kids
with ADHD often have trouble learning how to manage their
attention, time, and materials. Many also have trouble tolerating
frustration, being flexible, and solving their problems effectively.
Just as decoding words is a learned skill, your child may need
extra support learning and developing these other skills as well.
Rewards and punishments cant teach skillsbut you can. It
may take incredible patience, learning, understanding, investigation, and perseverance on your part, but its worth it!
Whether we are conscious of it or not, we each have a belief
about how we are supposed to parent our childrenthat is, of
course, until our instinct or logic does not produce the results we
anticipated or desired. Often, by the time parents reach out to me,
they have tried many different parenting approaches and heard
the advice (welcome or otherwise) of several different people.
One issue we all grapple with as parents is knowing when to push
our kids and when to pull back. When should we provide support,
and when should we let our children manage for themselves at
the risk of failing or being disappointed?
Some kids, as long as we provide a safe, nurturing environment, will generally perform as we would expect, given our guid-

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xivINTRODUCTION

ance and a variety of appropriate opportunities along the way.

However, for some kids, all the love and logic we can muster
doesnt seem to be enough to help them cooperate and succeed.
Why? Is it that we arent doing it right? Before we begin pointing fingers and instilling guilt, I ask you to consider the nature of
the child you are parenting.
Every person is born with a unique chemistry, physique, and
temperamentand no operators manual! Often, we begin to
realize that we may have an especially challenging child only
when we are already struggling. If you have a child who struggles
because of an inability to regulate his or her attention, impulsivity, or level of activity, chances are you have become familiar with
the world of ADHD.
Our journey together will begin with an overview of what
ADHD is beyond the characteristics most often mentioned
impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattentiveness. So much of what
we now understand about ADHD, we have learned during the
past decade or so. In fact, by the time you finish reading the first
chapter, you will realize that the term attention deficit hyperactivity disorder really does not come close to explaining what parents
and professionals truly experience with their children.
As you become more educated in and aware of how ADHD
truly impacts all aspects of your childs life, you will notice a shift
in the way you view and interact with your child. That will allow
you to help build his or her confidence, resilence, and life skills.
You will become more conscious of how you must adjust your
parenting style to match the needs of your child. You may need to
reframe how you think about your child and his or her actions.
You may make changes in how you speak and respond to your
child, and you may need to adjust how you plan and organize
aspects of your home and your life.
This parenting style is what I call Parent the child you have,
and it informs all the work I do as a parent coach. Family members, friends, and even well-meaning teachers and other professionals may offer advice and strategies with the intention of helping
you fix or teach your child. You must learn to trust your inner

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INTRODUCTIONxv

voice and tailor your parenting to meet the needs of your unique
child. For some, this may mean providing tighter control; for others, it may mean offering more guidance and support; and for still
others, it may mean reducing certain obligations or short-term
expectations. These are some of the issues I will help you explore
and resolve.
For many of you, there is so much chaos, stress, arguing, and
waffling that its exhausting. Many parents wonder if their child
misbehaves as a way of seeking attention. Research and experience have shown us that this is generally not the case. In fact,
without effective parenting skills, many parents become trained
by their childrens challenging behaviordont ask about homework, dont ask them to do chores, dont ask them to stop playing
on the computeror risk confrontation, endless frustration or
constant disappointment. As we will explore more closely in the
chapters ahead, children will often rely on a behavior, rather than
a skill, in an attempt to solve a problem they perceive. For example, a child who wants candy in a store may throw a tantrum (the
behavior) until his parent gives him what he wants, rather than
having a rational discussion or negotiating for what he wants
(using appropriate communication skills) or just dealing with not
having what he wants in the moment (relying on his skill of tolerating frustration). When kids, or adults for that matter, rely on a
behavior instead of skills to solve their problems, then negative,
destructive patterns of behavior develop. When parents choose to
ignore disruptive behavior as a way of teaching their children not
to behave in this manner, generally it does little to teach kids
more positive behaviors and can set them up for more severely
challenging behaviors in the future.
My goal is to empower you to take charge of your parenting
role in a way that protects the health and well-being of all of the
members of your family. I want to help you feel confident in your
decision-making regarding how you parent your challenging kid.
I will help you reduce the stress and doubt you have been experiencing.
I will emphasize the ways in which you can regain order and

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xviINTRODUCTION

control as parents. Control is not a word many people are comfortable using in relation to parenting, as they dont want to view
themselves as overly strict. However, some parents must learn to
recognize the value of being a leader and a guide to their children, as it gives their children a sense of safety, security, and confidence.
As your coach, I am going to encourage you to develop your
investigative muscles. I am going to ask that you be curious, not
judgmental, and try to discover the true motivation behind your
childs difficult behaviors. As parents, we must understand what
motivates our kids, what scares them, what their true talents are,
and the different areas of their lives that need support. Only then
can we develop tools and strategies that will enable us to guide
them, intervene in their lives, and motivate them as they develop.
We will focus on developing and strengthening effective interpersonal skills for both you and your child as a way to improve conflict resolution.
I will challenge you to take ownership for the decisions you
make as a parent. You will gain confidence to act on the rules and
guidelines you establish for your child on the basis of well-founded
principles and consciousness. Your parenting style will be proactive, not reactive (i.e., based on your childs actions). We are going
to lay a foundation for your own acceptance and trust of yourself
and as well as mutual trust between you and your child. As I said
in the beginning, you will learn to parent the child you have.
I am going to be offering a range of parenting perspectives and
techniques that I have found can dramatically improve the relationships and happiness in families. Some of the ideas will resonate more loudly and feel more comfortable for you than others,
but I encourage you to give them each a try.
The statistics pointing to the hazards of undiagnosed and
untreated ADHD are daunting, and they are real. The rate of
divorce, incarceration, drug abuse, underemployment, and debt
is much greater among individuals with ADHD than it is in the
general population. However, as you will see, the potential for a
uniquely magnificent life is also a real and reachable goal. As par-

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INTRODUCTIONxvii

ents, your job is to look at your childs ADHD not as a curse or

character flaw but as a challenge and difficulty that must be managed and an opportunity that must be explored. I believe that
each child is truly creative, resourceful, and whole. His or her path
may not be smooth, but the obstacles are not insurmountable.
This will take time.
You will need to ignore the opinions and advice of well-
meaning people who have no experience with or real knowledge
of the disorder. Even today, unfortunately, not everyone is up to
date on the impact of ADHD or the supports available for people
with ADHD. I encourage you to refer to the resources in Appendix A for additional support and information.
All children need to know the limits of what they may and may
not do, but this is all the more true for kids who have ADHD
because of the additional challenges they face. Children with
ADHD do not play by the same rules as other kidsfor better or
for worse. They will often push your buttons more than typical
kids. It is not just your imagination. Their fierce independence,
tenacity, and drive to question what they are expected to do will
ultimately serve them well in life. As parents, you need tools to
help them operate. You have been blessed with a creative,
dynamic, independent thinker. This child may challenge you to
question your own motives and expectations more than you may
have anticipated you would be willing to. The good newsand
your incentive to truly interveneis that the brain is dynamic
and continues to grow, even into adulthood. While it may take a
while to see the fruits of your labor, the seeds you plant now in
teaching your child tools and strategies will take root. One day
when you least expect it, you will see your child doing something
you taught him or her long ago that he or she had resisted doing
until now.
Making lasting changes will take hard and consistent work on
your part. If you are open to it, this can be a tremendous opportunity for your own personal growth as well. The upside will be
worth it. You will have more happiness, less stress, more time, and
more family warmth and connection. With Parent the child you

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xviiiINTRODUCTION

have as your guiding principle, you will be able to help your

child thrive.
The work contained in this book is based on Calm and Connected: Parenting Children with ADHD. This is a seven-session
workshop I developed and have facilitated with hundreds of parents through the years. The principles here are appropriate for
parenting kids of all agesuntil they have launched and are on
their own. While some changes you make will be immediate, others will take time as old patterns are broken, trust is developed,
and new skills are learned. I encourage you to give yourself a few
days break inbetween reading each chapter, as many of the principles and activities I will ask you to consider may take some time
to think about and enact.
At the end of each chapter I will list Guiding Thoughts.
These are quotes or statements that summarize or typify the lessons within the chapter. Consider writing and posting these
thoughts somewhere you can see them and set a time each day to
simply reread each statement. By having just a few key thoughts
to focus on, you may find it easier to remember and apply the
work in this book.
I will also suggest some activities for you to do by yourself, with
your parenting partner, or perhaps with your child. They will help
you put into action the changes you wish to make.

Guiding Thought
Parent the child you have.

Homework
Enjoy the following poem.

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INTRODUCTIONxix

THE WONDERFULNESS OF ME1

by Robert Tudisco
If you took all of the things that were special about me,
you could put them all together and call it AD/HD.
No better, no worse, just different thats me,
Im really not crazy, please try and see.
Like a talented wizard in a world full of Muggles,
its no wonder all you see is frustration and struggles.
As I daydream and drift, you think no ones there,
but nothing could be further from the truth, believe me, I swear.
I see your impatience as my mind starts to wander
But, you dont know the depth of the thoughts that I ponder.
For creative thinkers, get lost in deep thought,
which leads to the illusion that they cannot be taught.
I know trying to reach me can give you the blues,
but I wish for just once, you could walk in my shoes.
To see things through my eyes, you would be amazed,
at the speed and sheer volume my thoughts seem to blaze.
Im not lazy or stupid, if only you knew,
how truly difficult it is to limit myself and think like you do.
But, I can see things that youll never see,
its like second nature, because I am me.
With lightning fast reflexes, I can switch gears,
to be firm and inflexible is the worst of my fears.
Im calm in a crisis and know just what to do,
For Im in great company, Mozart, Edison and Churchill to name
just a few.

1. Robert M. Tudisco, used with permission. Robert M. Tudisco is a disability

attorney, author, and an adult diagnosed with ADHD.

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xxINTRODUCTION

So show me some patience, as Im patient with you.

Just a little tolerance, its long overdue.
Please try and understand me, along with my AD/HD,
Its a very big part of the wonderfulness of me.

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