Parent's Talk

Teaching parents about chastity

Parents are the primary educators of their children. They are the most effective and most
experienced to educate their children because they know them best. The American national coalition
to prevent teenage pregnancy recognises this key fact thatparents are the number one influence in a
teenager’s life. Many parents are not aware of this fact.

Both parents and teenagers are thirsting for the truth about sex and chastity. In a sex saturated
culture, many are looking for clear teaching and responsibility. Serious problems arise
when parents are disconnected from their children. A number oflegislative events have occurred in
Britain encouraging access to abortion and contraception without parental consent.

Some parents would rather preach to the British National Party on the benefits of mixed race
marriages than talk to their children about chastity. But the fact is that the average teenager will hear
and see up to 480,000 sexual references, innuendos or images by the time they leave school (Ted
Baehr Phd, Protecting children from harm from the media, address to world congress of families II,
from U.S. News and World Report
findings. http://www.worldcongress.org/wcf2_spkrs/wcf2_baehr.htm#_ednref27). If we are not
willing to put rubbish into our bodies, why do we put it into our mind?

Fear tactics do not tend to work when talking about chastity. First chastity is not abstinence.
Abstinence merely focused on a lack of sexual expression, whereas chastity is the virtue of purity
and temperance, which brings spiritual benefits. Having a bigger vision of the benefits of saving sex
until marriage will increase the efficacy of your message. Some parents have shown slides of STDs
to their children. In this practice, they might miss the bigger picture as they are less aware of the
consequences of their actions. They might only learn that they do not want to take pictures of STDs
as a living! The call to love is far more powerful than the imposition of fear.

The message that sex is not love is very important. If you love someone, you want to do what is
best for the other person. But when 20% of sexually active children get Chlamydia, something must
be wrong. Many teenagers have extremely low self esteem. They have not been built up
emotionally and the phrase ‘I love you’ is not used or heard at home. They can be built up
emotionally simply by saying, “You look beautiful.”

Teenagers can also be encouraged physically. Our society has lost the sense of a healthy touch-
either there is too much emphasis on touch or there is a complete phobia of it. We all have a need
for human touch. Mother Theresa was particularly aware of this and the elderly also need to be
touched by others frequently. With a healthy sense of human contact, one is given the sense of being
protected.

Some men lack good male role models. When they are given a tangible and physical role model
they realise it is possible to be virtuous. Without a solid role model it is likely they will find the
wrong group of friends to hang out with and will not have a clear reference point and example of
what it is to be a man. Every teenager needs a man who gives him support and affirmation so that
he can come to a healthy sense of self identity and know how to relate to other men.

Men and women are wired extremely differently. Guys reach their sexual peak at about 18, whereas
girls reach their sexual peak at about 35. There are considerable differences in hormones between
men and women. It is also important to recognise this.

Prayer is indispensable for families. It is corny but true that ‘The family that prays together stays
together.’ It is important to offer up sufferings and realise the power of prayer. Sometimes religious
sisters or Priests can help us by praying for us. Sometimes if we ask God for something he will
shower us with gifts. With great freedom comes great responsibility. Teenagers free will has the
weight of grace placed upon it.

Saint Augustine of Hippo was a badly behaved teenager, but when he grew up he learnt how to be a
saint. The prayers of another saint (his mother), was important in helping him get to this
state. Parents do not have to blame themselves when their children venture off on undesirable paths.
God is the best parent in the universe. Because he gave his children free will, look at the state of
what has happened! St Francis said be patient with the whole world, but first of all with yourself.

Suffering can also have a redemptive side. When we offer up our sufferings, rejoice in sufferings
and unite our sufferings with the sufferings of Christ everything can be transformed into prayer.
Christ came to earth and suffered. We now know how to suffer because he showed us how to do so.
Mary as co-redemptrix (Pope John Paul used this title in his pontificate.
Seehttp://www.fifthmariandogma.com/old_site/response_1.php) suffered with the redeemer. They
set the standards high and clear.

The message of so called ‘safe’ sex and ‘safer’ sex is devastating and dangerous. It is medically
inaccurate and insulting to women. It generates a false sense of security encouraging risky
behaviour and reduces the understanding of sex to purely genital. Sex has more consequences than a
condom could ever protect against. The message of ‘safe’ sex is an absolute joke. Sex is not safe,
but involves the complete gift of self to another person. ‘safe’ sex misleads people about the
biological, spiritual and emotional effects of sex. Such a message is patronising and insulting to
teenagers. Effectively, it communicates, “I have no confidence in you.” Being neutered by drugs is
one way of repressing your fertility. Spaying is normally something you do to your cat not to your
child. When we set the standards high and if fact say: save sex until marriage, we give a new
generation the confidence to believe in themselves and to live for something greater. They then are
more likely to respond and thank you for believing in them.

The female contraceptive pill has many dangerous side effects. Along with Depo Provera, it tricks
and lies to the body into thinking that it is pregnant. This can harm a woman’s immune system.
There are quite a number of studies have shown a link between the pill and breast cancer. The
journal of the Mayo clinic in October 2006 showed that in 21 of 23 studies, the pill increased the
probability of breast cancer (Mayo Clinic Proceedings, Oral Contraceptive Use as a Risk Factor for
Premenopausal Breast Cancer: A Meta-analysis, Chris Kahlenborn, MD, et al., October
2006;81(10):1290-1302). It encourages women to engage in sexually permissive behaviour in the
mistaken notion that they are sexually free.

Many people do not realise that contraception is also an abortifacient. It leads to a thinning of the
uterus. Some doctors deny this, but it is usually stated on the packet that the pill comes with. Using
the pill sends a mixed message to teenagers. Rather than concentrating on the message of saving sex
until marriage, contraceptives encourage teenagers to engage in risky sex under the false premise
that they were protected. Would it be wise to tell a teenager that it would be fine to play on the
motorway just provided they put a helmet on?

Planned parenthood and its associates gives the foolish message “Don’t let anyone tell you what to
do with your body, just listen to your body.” As if the hormones of a teenager are the most
authoritative reference on the subject! Research on the development of the adolescent brain shows
that a certain parts of the brain does not mature until 24 or 25. Giving solid advice on sexuality such
as sex is permissible when you are married.
It’s important to be a parent first and not a friend of your child. Parents do not need to have the fear
of being rejected by their children. It’s important to keep tabs on the friends your children make and
note who they hang out with. It is even good to have good communication with the parents of their
friends.

Boundaries are extremely important for teenagers. Even though they do not like them, they feel safe
when they are well defined. They can kick and scream, but in the end they possibly might thank you
when they are an adult.

It’s very unlikely that you will hear many ‘thank yous’ as a parent. Your newly born baby is not
going to thank you for changing its diaper. In all likelihood, your children are not going to thank
you on a regular basis. But it is important to do what is best for your children rather than succumb
to their own desires.

Research shows that the later teenagers start dating the more likely they are going to finish school
as a virgin. There is not a great deal of point in dating in high school. The happiest girls are the ones
who are not dating and are waiting for real gentlemen. Some girls at school might be tearing their
hair out wondering whether the guy actually likes her, when in actual reality he is busy playing
computer games back at home.

Modern dating was invented at around the time when the motor car became mainstream. Dating
then became a recreation. When courtship was commonplace, relationships were safe under the
umbrella of the family. Courtship with the family was not necessary because privacy was
guaranteed by the car. Then, men could be less clear with their intentions. But the continual process
of bonding and breaking up with girls is the perfect training for divorce. Amidst this culture of
friends with benefits and hooking up, young people now want commitment in their relationships.
Nobody wants to be treated as a thing in a relationship.

Parents can learn a great deal from the parenting network of other parents at school and in the
community. When they get to know each other and discover the parents of their children’s friends,
they can see other parents with the same values. Teenagers go through a time of separation from
their families as they learn to be independent in the world. Some like to pretend they were adopted
as they are embarrassed by their parents. This is part of a process of maturity and formation.

Internet safety is absolutely essential in securing the sexual purity of your family. The playboy
website has about 5 million hits every single day. There are 30,000 paedophile websites in
existence. In internet chat rooms, within 30 seconds, you child can have solicitation with strangers.
If you put your computer in a communal area of your house it can help prevent the occasion of sin
on the internet. Sin prospers in isolation.

Parents need to become computer literate and learn how to check the internet history properly on
their computer. Putting a filter on your computer such as bsafe.com can provide priceless
protection. www.pureintimacy.com is also a useful website for those struggling in this area. The
majority of high school children look at pornography. Even some video games have some
pornography on them today.

At times there are considerable moments of awkwardness in teenage years. Some teenagers undergo
a rebellion stage. Parentsshould take an authentic interest in their children without interrogation.
The best time to talk is at night when the defences are down. The power of listening can do
tremendous good. Sometimes it is good not to give advice but to be open with open ears allow to
hear more. Teenagers don’t always respond to directive advice (even though it is necessary).
Sarcasm (which literally translated means to tear the flesh) is extremely destructive in
relationships.

The television is a good opportunity for chastity education. Using the media in a responsible way
and even changing the channel or turning it off when inappropriate material comes on can be an
example to your children. It is most important to teach children from a young age the importance of
purity, respect for the body and the idea that the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Such books
as the princess and the kiss and the squire and the scroll can help even young children understand
purity.

Above all, teenagers are most likely to learn a great deal from personal example. As humans learn
by imitation, personal example sinks in by osmosis in the home. Young people want to know all the
answers, as everybody wants to know how to love.

Some are very sceptical, especially about chastity. But young people need to know that those who
do not wait for their first sexual experience before marriage are 3 times more likely to separate, that
couples that live together before marriage have a divorce rate of 80% and teenagers who engage in
sex at a younger age are more likely to live in poverty at a later date.

The longer that girls wait until their first sexual experience, the more likely they are to be happy.
Chastity is not just some abstract notion, but is a value and virtue that really works in society. But
with all this in mind we should not glue our children to the sofa in the fear they will misbehave.

Parents should get over the insecurities about talking about sex with teenagers. You do not need
perfection to have authority. One is not disqualified from being a teacher of your parents because
you are not perfect. As we can receive forgiveness from God from going to the sacrament of
reconciliation, we know that we can start afresh in our relationship with him when things go wrong.
Both a father and a mother need to talk about sex with teenagers, otherwise silence, particularly
from the father will presumed to be opposition. Fathers need to take extra special care of daughters
to treat them like princesses. When they are taken on a special date and treated like a gentlemen
they learn the beauty and benefit of healthy and solid male relationships in their lives. They can
even learn how their bodies are walking tabernacles of life.

Purity is a virtue. The word virtue comes from the latin and means manly strength. Purity is more
easily caught than taught. If it is not practiced in my own life then I cannot teach it to others. Those
that do not follow the Church’s teaching inside of marriage cannot expect those outside of marriage
to follow it either.

Chastity is a great virtue where the marriage vows are lived out in the flesh. It helps one to be free
(and avoid manipulation), total (holding nothing back, not even fatherhood or imagination), faithful
(until death do us part) and fruitful (open to the gift of new life). Natural family planning is 99%
effective and does not involve suppressing the human body with drugs. The British Medical Journal
states that NFP is the most effective way to space children with no side effects.

Above all, we need married couples who are schooled in Christ. The faithfulness of the man’s
imagination is of great significance. The very best thing that you can do for your children is to show
the great love between husband and wife because the image of the love of God is then present.

“Since they have conferred life on their children, parents have the original, primary and inalienable
right to educate them... in conformity with their moral and religious convictions"
Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality

Parents are the unique educators of their children. This large responsibility, given by God, should
also be considered a priviledge. Today, there are huge pressures upon children and families in this
regard.

The following guidelines are to be found on the Faith and family website:

Parents must be recognized by all parties to be the primary educators and protectors of children in
these matters
Parents must be fully involved at all stages of any school-based education
Parents have the right to see for themselves what material is planned for use in diocesan schools.
Parents have duty to withdraw their children from programs they consider damaging.
Schools should, in fact, seek written permission from parents to OPT IN to such programs well
before they commence, just as they do for school trips.
Boys and girls should be taught separately
Material used must be available for inspection by parents, with adequate notice so that they may see
what it contains and be involved in discussions with their children on the matters
Parental control and protection must never be undermined - particularly by clandestine sex
instruction classes or by school nurses prescribing the ‘pill’ or abortions in schools for which, under
God, bishops are responsible

Rights of parents
* To be the prime educators of children in matters of human love and sexuality (Truth and
Meaning of Human Sexuality=TMHS)
* To be the protectors of their children (Mit Brendenner Sorge)
* To know what is to be offered in terms of teaching and material (THMS)
* To withdraw their children whenever they feel that the education is inappropriate or they wish to
do it at another time or otherwise
* Sex education must always be carried out under the attentive guidance of parents (Famaliaris
Consortio)
* No society or school should institutionalise parent’s non involvement (THMS)

Studies on parents and raising children

Abstinence clearinghouse provide links to a couple of interesting recent studies.

The first shows that raising children makes married couples happier, and the more they had the
happier they were. The journal of happiness studies reports that Dr Angeles of the University of
Glasgow in Scotland did a survey of 90,000 mothers and fathers to find the evidence.

"What separates married and unmarried couples is arguably not the possibility of pooling resources
for the aim of raising children but the willingness to do so in the first place,” Angeles said. “As a
rule, the arrival of a child tends to be seen as a blessing to a married couple and as a problem to an
unmarried one or to a single mother.”

In another study, growing up without a father actually changes the way your brain develops. An
OECD report noted that just 57% of American children grow up with both parents. The report notes
that children from single parent families have an increased risk of deliquency, attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder and poorer scholastic performance.

A report by the daily telegraph notes on the liberal attitudes of many young people in Britain today.
The blessing of Parenthood: how to foster faith in your children

A child is a blessing to parents. A new baby girl or body is a new soul that did not exist before.
Parents co-operate with the creative power of God in procreation. This comes with a profound
responsibility in bringing up children. As secular society has lost the reverence for the wellsprings
of human life, Christians are called to be salt for the earth in having respect for the transmission of
life and love.

What do parents want for their children? Most parents want their children to be happy, well
educated, well informed and well brought up. The majority of Catholics want their children to have
a strong mature faith, the courage and ability to make good life choices, faithfulness to Church
teaching and to live in a state of grace. Most parents want their children to be living a Sacramental
life, going to Mass, having a good prayer life and doing works of charity in support of the
vulnerable. How do parents prepare their children for heaven? We need to be able to teach them
how to live on earth to obtain heaven. This is best done through good communication effectively
through our example and through our words. This comes through imitation and prayer. Catholic
formation provides a moral and spiritual education which governs prayer and religious obligation,
providing an intellectual structure that governs.

Faith has a positive impact on character. Those who have a religious faith are less likely to use
drugs, play truant, have an abortion, get divorced or become an alcoholic. Those who are religious
are on the whole on average more supportive of marriage, good choices, grounded in faith that lead
to good outcomes. Our Character is influenced by our beliefs and values, the prevailing culture,
celebrities, parents and other family members. But we flourish best when we follow the design
given by the author of life. The current trends and values of sex and relationships require us to have
strategies in place in order to be prepared and well aware of how to transmit values and faith to the
next generation.

It is important to understand the cultural environment in which we live to find a strategy that will
build character. In order to build virtue in children one must teach by example and words. Clear and
explicit boundaries are important so that one becomes counter cultural. One such example might be
to never allow sleepovers. The environment many children are based in, such as the type of friends
and content such as sex education have the potential to damage future marriages and relationships.
It is also important to be aware of the time spent and programmes watched on television and also be
aware of the activity the computer and internet is used for. Some studies have shown that children
watch on average two and a half hours of television a day. But not all television is bad. EWTN is a
good source and influence.

Children need to be taught by example. Children are not good at listening, but good at imitating.
Children easily follow the actions, language and culture of parents. Boys learn to be husbands from
their own fathers. Contrary to popular opinion, time is best in quantity and not quality. The Father is
the spiritual head of the household. Children are much more likely to attend Mass later if both
parents do.

It is important to develop fortitude, prudence and temperance to inculcate virtue to bring courage,
good sense and self control. Modesty can be taught in language and dress. Girls need to have an
understanding of reverence and self respect for their bodies. This comes with the belief that God
brought them into existence for a purpose. Teenagers need an example of a parental backbone to
help shape their own one. If parents do not show backbone, why should they? Our children will
always challenge and even at times, reject parental authority. But in essence, children do want
boundaries because they feel comfortable in them. Children do love rules.

It is worth being ambitious for your children's moral behaviour. It is possible to speak directly,
continuously and directly about dating and relationships. It is important to talk about the need to go
to confession and to practice faith. Many children will not go to confession unless they see you go
too. There is only one sadness in life: not to become a saint.

The dominant religious outlook in Britain is secular atheistic materialism. This shapes our
environment and moral thinking in society. Around 75-85% of Catholic children lapse in this
country by the age of 18. Britain is a country where 40% will divorce if they marry, 33% will be
involved in a drunken one night stand. 15% have an addiction problem, 30% will be involved in
incurring an abortion, 80% engage in premarital sexual relations, almost 100% are told about birth
control methods. This amounts to the ever more pressing urge to ensure that children coming to
learn and live about truth, honesty and beauty.