The Teachers’ Teach-In

The IB Banquet Senior Skit

Cast (in order of appearance):

1. JONES – Andrew Metziere 13. SHELBOURNE – Alex Castor

2. ANNOUNCER – Adrian Jimenez
3. CHARLTON – Erica Maag
4. GRIFFIN – Sarah Lowe
5. MIKULEC – Joshua Traina
6. HOLNESS – A.J. Chin
7. REYNOLDS – Daphna Shull
8. CONNORS – Amber Davis
9. GAST – Will Chorvat
10. JIMMY THE JANITOR – Santos
Contreras
11. BEN THE JANITOR – Kody Schmidt
12. WILSON – Kyle McKay
14. BOYCE – Emily Dhondt
15. GONZALEZ – Jalonda Spencer
16. HUMPHREYS – Dakota Whittington
17. PACKARD – G.C. Troncoso
18. SARRETT – Jason Holleran
19. MOBLEY – Thomas Hill
20. JEMMOTT – Meggie Watson
21. OPPEGAARD – Jaushe Graves
22. CABALLERO – Carrel Barber
23. TUBB – Taylor Gonzalez
24. PALOUMPIS – Dylan Rigsby
25. RIZZO – Katie McNamara

Scene: empty classroom. JONES stands behind a podium waiting for the room to fill with TEACHERS
who are all finding their seats. The teachers sit down and begin to talk.

JONES: Okay, everyone, let’s settle down. We’re going to get started—
SCHOOL BELL rings for an obscenely long time. The intercom turns on.
ORR: Good morning terriers. We have a few announcements, this morning: prom tickets have gone on
sale in the cafeteria for the next three weeks. This week you can buy them for $4000, but next week the
price will be raise to $4005. The week after the price will be raised to indentured servitude, so hurry up
and purchase those tickets immediately. Now we have Mr. Humphrey with an announcement about
yearbooks.
HUMPHREY: Yearbooks have gone on sale in room 506. Please. Please. PLEASE buy yearbooks. I’m
begging you to please buy a yearbook. I have boxes of yearbooks from past years lining the walls of my
house. Please buy a yearbook. Please—
ORR: Thank you, Mr. Humphrey. Now we have an announcement from Commander Cool.
COOL: What’s going on boys and girls? This is the commander reminding you that it’s that that time of
the year again where we need to get our booties into gear for FCAT. Last year we went from an A to a
C, and we can’t go down anymore grades or we will lose some of our luxuries like textbooks and lunch.
This is Commander Cool telling you to kick that FCAT in the booty!
ORR: Thank you, commander. Now if you can please stand for the pledge of allegiance, read by Holly
Driscoll.
DRISCOLL recites the pledge with awkward inflections and speeds in random parts. The teachers
cannot follow.
ORR: Thank you, Holly. That’s it for the morning announcements. Have a good day and go big red.
JONES: Okay, now that that’s over we can get started. I graciously thank all of you for coming to our
first annual Teacher’s Teach In, which I have conceptualized because I feel like the epicenter of our
academic microcosm is definitely our teaching staff, and I want to give you all a chance to simply
experience our distinct teaching methods and styles so we will spend this day simply teaching each other

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as if we were students. I’m sure all of you have prepared something? Great. We’re going to start with
Our very own Mrs. Charlton. So if everyone could just give your attention to her now.
CHARLTON walks up to the podium carrying a large container of gasoline.
CHARLTON: Okay, guys. I thought I’d start today off with a bang so we’re going to light stuff on fire!
CHARLTON begins pouring gasoline everywhere. JONES interrupts.
JONES: Okay! Okay! That’s enough Mrs. Charlton. That’s enough of your fiery shenanigans. Next up
we have Mrs. Griffin.
GRIFFIN walks up extremely slowly, mumbling insults the entire way.
GRIFFIN: Well, I read all of your essays, and they were absolutely terrible. It’s like you guys are
purposely trying to aggravate me. Are you guys being stupid on purpose? Zaan. Zaan! As god as my
witness, Zaan, I will throw my cane at you so hard if you don’t stop. Actually, how about you move up
to the front? Yes. That way you’ll stop being stupid and pay attention. I swear. Sometimes you guys
remind me of the kids in the hallway outside my room during passing period. If I could just take a gun
and—
JONES: Okay! Okay! That’s enough shenanigans from you Mrs. Griffin. Let’s move on. Mr. Mikulec?
MIKULEC walks to the front. He has a bottle of water. As he speaks, his voice cracks several times.
MIKULEC: Okay, so today I’m going to talk to you about Rococo. Oh, sorry. I’ve been drinking a lot of
water today. So the Rococo period—
MIKULEC feels his phone vibrate. He takes it out of his pocket.
MIKULEC: Oh. It’s my girlfriend calling. I have to take this.
JONES: Umm, okay? Well, then, let’s move on to—
The intercom sounds.
ORR: Attention students and teachers, but we are currently going in to a lockdown situation, so I’m
going to have to ask teachers to not let anyone leave the room for any reason. Our security team is
working on the problem now and I will keep you updated. Let’s not get killed by raging gunman… and
go big red.
Enter stage left HOLNESS in slutty cop stripper attire.
HOLNESS: Is everyone okay in here?
FEMALE TEACHERS (adoringly): Hi, officer Holness!
HOLNESS: Hi, ladies.
JONES: Yah. Everything’s fine in here, officer.
HOLNESS: Okay, I’m just making sure everyone’s okay. There was a crazy kid on the loose. He
brought a gun and shot me twelve times in the chest, but they just bounced off my amazing pectorals.
I’m glad all of you are alright.
JONES: Yah, we’re fine, but wait, what is that on your head? Is that a bug?
HOLNESS attempts to reach his head, but his muscles are too big.
HOLNESS: I can’t reach my head! My muscles are too big!
HOLNESS exits stage. The intercom sounds.
ORR: Teachers and students, sorry for the interruption, but the lockdown is officially over. Our own
campus security police officer Holness single handedly stopped the armed assailant with his laser vision.
Fortunately, the felon is in a coma now. Go big red.
JONES: Okay. Now it is Mrs. Reynolds’ turn. Take it away.
REYNOLDS goes to the front, carrying a few pages she plans to read from.
REYNOLDS: Morning, ya’ll. I thought I spend today reading an excerpt from one of my favorite short
stories: Chopin’s The Storm. Listen close, now. “The contact of her warm, palpitating body when he had
unthinkingly drawn her into his arms, had aroused all the old-time infatuation and desire for her flesh.

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Now—well, now—her lips seemed in a manner free to be tasted, as well as her round, white throat and
her whiter breasts. Her firm, elastic flesh that was knowing for the first time its birthright, was like a
creamy lily that the sun invites to contribute its breath and perfume to the undying life of the world.
When he touched her breasts they gave themselves up in quivering ecstasy, inviting his lips. Her mouth
was a fountain of delight—”
JONES: Okay! Okay! That’s enough of that. Let’s move on, shall we? How about Mrs. Connors?
CONNORS moves to the front, carrying a large dumbbell, which she lifts seamlessly during her lesson.
CONNORS: Alright folks, today we’re going to review finding the tangents of circles, then, we will
examine the ambiguous case of triangles and that. We’ll… do some geometry and trig proofs, and that.
All squares are rectangles, but all rectangles aren’t squares!!! But my biceps aren’t square; they’re
rounded, like an arc. And that, we know how to take the area of an arc, by using the angle … I wish we
could bisect the angles of my biceps!
CONNORS flexes her massive muscles. She puts a nearby teacher in a headlock and begins to give them
a noogie.
CONNORS: You like that? Recite the unit circle! The unit circle! You will NOT pass IB if you do not
know the unit circle.
CONNORS releases the teacher and steps back
CONNORS: ALRIGHT! Here’s some fudge! But you have to… WORK IT OFF… like I do, and that!
JONES: Okay! Okay! Thank you, Mrs. Connors. Next up we were supposed to have Mrs. Sigmon take
the stage, but she’s busy calling her daughter right now, so we’re going to move on to Mr. Gast. Take it
away.
GAST comes up to the podium very dramatically. He’s carrying a stack of papers and a coffee mug.
GAST: Well, hello class. Hi, Mr. Paloumpis. I see you showed up. Well… What are you looking at?
Yes, I’m fine! Just PEACHY. I guess you’ll want your graded papers back, now won’t you?
GAST goes around the class throwing papers every which way.
GAST: Oh, stop your complaining. You want some cheese with that whine? Toughen up cream puff!
That’s what my friend’s friend would say to his wife. Now they’re divorced… crazy world, kids…
Well? What are you waiting for? Get to work! Go! Do it!
Long pause. GAST moves around distractingly.
GAST: Oh, am I bothering you? I’m sorry. You know what bothers me? FOX NEWS!
JONES: Okay! Okay! Let’s move on. Next up we have—
Enter JIMMY with a trashcan.
JIMMY: Hey!
ALL: Hey!
JONES: Looks like Jimmy’s paying us a visit.
JIMMY goes around the class saying random Spanish phrases while teachers throw garbage in his
trashcan. Enter BEN with his claw. JIMMY exits and BEN just stands their creepily.
JONES: Yes, Ben? Is there something you want?
BEN: Never trust a Puerto Rican. Bye.
BEN exits stage.
JONES: Okay. Well, I’m sufficiently freaked out now. Let’s move on. Mrs. Crosby?
CROSBY goes to the front of the class.
CROSBY: …
JONES: Thank you Mrs. Crosby. Next up, we have Mr. Shelbourne. Take it away.
SHELBOURNE goes to the front of the class.
SHELBOURNE: …

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JONES: Thank you, Mr. Shelbourne. Now we have our very own Mrs. Wilson.
WILSON: Alright, babies. The black tornado’s up here, now. So let’s not be thick today, folks. I hope
you’ve been reading brother Conrad, babies, because I’m going to ask you about him today. How did
you feel about the book?
Long silence.
WILSON: Teachers…? Teachers…? How did you feel about the book?
CABALLERO: I thought it was pretty good.
WILSON: NO! That’s wrong! Why are you guys being stupid? Read the text! I guess we’ll move on to
poetry since you obviously don’t want me to teach Conrad. What is this Dickenson poem about?
Long silence.
WILSON: Teachers…? Teachers…? WHAT WAS THE POEM ABOUT?
WILSON begins slamming on desks and stomping her feet.
BOYCE: Is it about comparing the pros and cons of the rail system which was new in her time?
WILSON: I guess that wasn’t completely retarded.
WILSON laughs.
WILSON: All you are blockheads. Every one of you is a blockhead. Blockhead, blockhead, blockhead!
JONES: Okay, Mrs. Wilson. Thank you very much. Okay, well we’ve done some intense learning so far.
I think we should all take a little break. Luckily, our very own Mrs. Boyce has prepared some stand up
comedy for our viewing pleasure. Mrs. Boyce?
BOYCE walks to the front of the class. TEACHERS clap.
BOYCE: Oh, stop. Thank you. Thank you. Let’s give a hand to Mr. Jones. Without him, the popcorn
industry might just go out of business. Okay boys and girls. What’s up with these students these days?
Every day they do their quiz they ask me if they can have the date. I say sure, but you should start
getting your own dates! No, but really folks. One time I told them they were having a half day. They
were so excited until I told them they were having the other half that afternoon! No, but seriously guys.
I’m getting surgery done on my colon soon. I’m pretty nervous. I’m not as worried about the surgery as
I’m worried about my grammar. I mean, I’ve never had a semi-colon before! No, but really guys.
Knock, knock.
ALL: Who’s there?
BOYCE: Direct object.
ALL: Direct object who?
BOYCE: No, direct object whom. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tell Joey
Neely to shut up!
JONES: Thank you, Mrs. Boyce. We all love your organized shenanigans. Next up, we have Mrs.
Gonzalez.
GONZALEZ walks to the front of the class.
GONZALEZ: Hola, mi queridos! Today, we will be’s going overs conjugations of verbos en el presente.
Raise jew hams if you know your conjugations. Raise jew hams, por favor. Come on, babies. Don’t be
shy. Jew know Senora Gonzale lubs jew! Okay, senor Packard. Whats is de presente yo form de
“hablar”?
PACKARD: “Hablo”.
GONZALEZ: Muy beuno! Ole! Snaps para senor Packard. Senora Gonzale lubs jew!
JONES: Okay. Thank you, Mrs. Gonzalez. Next up, we have Mrs. Humphreys.
HUMPHREYS walks to the front of the class with a 2 liter bottle of Coca Cola and a strange metal
necklace on.
HUMPHREYS: Okay, class. Today we’re going to go over to cognitive perspective—

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TUBB: Excuse me, Mrs. Humphreys. Can you explain your grading system on these tests?
HUMPHREYS: Of course, Gary. I’ll explain my system.
HUMPHREYS takes out a white board and begins scribbling numbers on it.
HUMPHREYS: Well, first I took the square of your raw score and divided it by the square root of the
best score in the class. Then I simply subtracted the two grades from each other and found the standard
deviation of all scores, multiplied those two numbers together and—wait. No, that’s wrong. I think I
made all the grades from sixty up A’s and the rest F’s—no. That’s also wrong. Umm. Actually, I don’t
remember. How about you all get B’s? Sound good? Great. Let’s watch Mean Girls.
JONES: Thank you, Mrs. Humphreys, but we don’t have time to watch Mean Girls. Next up, we have
Mr. Packard.
PACKARD walks to the front of the class.
PACKARD: Thank you, Mr. Jones. I really like the idea of the Teacher Teach In. I’m learning a lot. I
haven’t learned this much since I went to school in Mexico. I remember one time I was in a coffee shop
and this horrible woman came up to me and—
JONES: Mr. Packard. Can we start the lesson? We’re short on time.
PACKARD: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, today you guys are taking that vocab quiz.
ALL TEACHERS begin to tell him that he never told them about any quiz.
PACKARD: Yes, you do. I distinctly remember telling you.
ALL TEACHERS continue to tell him that he’s wrong.
PACKARD: Oh, well. Then you’re definitely taking it next class. I must’ve remembered it wrong. That
reminds me of this one time when I was in an earthquake and my cat—
JONES: Mr. Packard. Seriously. Do you have a lesson planned?
PACKARD: Well, they have about twenty quizzes to take.
JONES: Okay! I’ve heard enough. Let’s move on to—
PALOUMPIS: Excuse me, Mr. Jones?
JONES: Yes, Mr. Paloumpis.
PALOUMPIS: I just wanted to say that THE FLOOR IS LAVA!
ALL TEACHERS begin to panic and jump on their seats. JONES gets angry.
JONES: Guys! Stop making a spectacle of yourself! Please sit down! Please stop having fun!
ALL TEACHERS sit down, still laughing.
JONES: Okay. Next up we have Mrs. Sarrett.
SARRETT goes to the front of the class.
SARRETT: Alright, everyone. I’m glad I could make it here today because I was actually invited to a
workshop in Antarctica to teach penguins how to read, but Mr. Jones asked me, so now I’m here. I
thought we could start today by discussing what we read in Fifth Business. Did you all like the ending?
Yah. There was a stone in the snowball all along! Isn’t that amazing? Dunstan’s kept it a secret for his
entire life, even to the reader! It’s just fantastic! I just love Robertson Davies!
SARRET begins to starting shaking uncontrollably.
JONES: Mrs. Sarrett? Are you okay? Do you need help?
SARRETT: Noooooooo. I’m fine, really.
SARRET continues to shake uncontrollably.
JONES: Okay. Well, let’s have Mrs. Sarrett sit down. Next up is, Mr. Mobley.
MOBLEY, startled, walks up to the front running into pretty much everything.
MOBLEY: Okay, class. Today we’re going to go over Newton’s laws. Does anyone know Newton’s
first law?

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JONES: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Mobley. Next up we have Mrs. Jemmott.
JEMMOTT walks to the front of the class frantically. She speaks rapidly.
JEMMOTT: Okay, guys! We have a lot of material to cover today so listen up while we take notes. The
heart is the central pump in the body in charge of bringing blood to all parts of the body. Arteries bring
blood away from the heart. They have a thin lumen to increase blood pressure and shoot blood like
WOOSH! Veins bring blood back to the heart and have a much wider lumen and blood travels slowly
and is aided by peristalsis because it has to go against gravity and it has valves to prevent BACKFLOW.
The sinoatrial node sits on the outside of the right atrium near the superior vena cava and acts as the
pacemaker to the heart because it controls the pace of the heart beat, the systole and diastole. The heart
is MYOGENIC because it does not need stimulation from an outside nerve. It just acts however it
wants! The pacemaker sends an electric impulse making the atrium contract, pumping blood into the
ventricles. The sinoatrial valves close making a LUB sound. The impulse is then contained at the
atrioventricle node for .00099999 seconds, and then is released, forcing the ventricles to squeeze and
shoot blood all over the body! The atrioventricle valves then close making a DUB sound. Meanwhile,
blood is slowly refilling the atrium. Whew. Any questions?
TUBB: Sorry to deviate from the topic of today’s lesson, but I had a question about trophic levels—
JEMMOTT: trophic levels! The trophic level of an organism is the position it occupies on the food
chain. The word trophic derives from the Greek “trophē” referring to food or feeding. A food chain
represents a succession of organisms that eat another organism and are, in turn, eaten themselves. The
number of steps an organism is from the start of the chain is a measure of its trophic level. Food chains
start at trophic level 1 with primary producers, move to herbivores at level 2, predators at level 3 and
typically finish with carnivores or apex predators at level 4 or 5. The path along the chain forms a one-
way flow along which energy travels in the form of food. Whew. Good?
JEMMOTT is panting, seeming on the verge of a panic attack.
JONES: Okay… thank you Aimee.
JEMMOTT: No! We’re not nearly done! We still have to go over the digestive system, the nervous
system, excretion, ventilation, plant structure, reproduction, genetics, evolution, ecology, cellular
respiration, photosynthesis…
JEMMOTT trails off in a trance. She blankly sits at her desk.
JEMMOTT: It’s impossible… It can’t be done…
JONES: Everything’s going to be okay. That’s it. Calm down. Sit down. Okay, next up we have Dr.
Oppegaard.
OPPEGAARD walks to the front, quite calmly.
OPPEGAARD: Quiet. Quiet. Before I start, I have some papers I need to hand out… Where did I put
those…? I could have sworn I just had them… Oh well. I supposed to give those to you a long time ago
anyway… so you’ll be fine… Ha… I liked Mrs. Boyce’s jokes… They were funny… I actually have
one… how did it go…? Oh yah… What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter? A pumpkin pi! Ha… Ha… Ha… What was I saying…?
JONES: You were about to get started with a lesson. Do you have one prepared?
OPPEGAARD: I thought I’d teach how to divide by zero. First you—
JONES: Okay! Okay! Not getting into that right now, Doc. Let’s move on. Next up we have—
The INTERCOM sounds.
ORR: Teachers, sorry for the interruption. It seems we’ve had a bit of an accident. Two accidents,
actually. The third floor of the main building has been completely flooded. It looks like the Everglades
and smells like the darkest cavern of hell. On another notes, it seems the entire 500 hall has burst into
flames. We think the problem may have been the faulty air conditioning system. Don’t panic, but we’re

6
going into a code black apocalypse drill, so everyone stay calm, even if faced with certain death. Many,
many terriers have died today. Go big red.
JONES: Anyway, let’s move on to Dr. Tubb.
TUBB walks up to the front of the class, smiling.
TUBB: Okay, guys. Let’s do math! Because math is fun. It really is. It is. First, I would like to thank you
all for coming to class. Really. You guys are doing a very good job. Good class attendance will help you
get good grades on your IB exams. And good grades on your IB exams will get you 10,000 dollars! You
want $10,000, don’t you?
JONES: Umm, Dr. Tubb? You do know that you’re talking to teachers, right? Not your students?
TUBB just smiles blankly.
TUBB: When I graduated college with a degree in Galactic Super Electro Physics and Pure Math, the
president at the time, Abraham Lincoln, recruited me to make a particle accelerator that could
successfully teleport someone through time. It wasn’t very hard, as long as you know the quadratic
equation. Who knows the quadratic equation song? Let’s sing it together. Negative b, plus or minus the
square root of b squared, minus for ac, all divided by 2a, and that’s the quadratic formula! You can also
make it into a rap song.
TUBB recites the song again, but adds strange punching gestures.
TUBB: Okay, let’s take out our calculators. We’re going to set up a graph. Ahh. What’s wrong with
you, you stupid thing? Ahh. Dirty rackafrack! That’s how we curse in Texas. Yep. See. My calculator is
stupid. You are much smarter than my calculator. Oh, there we go. Great! Okay, so we set the window
and there you go! There’s Mr. Blinky. He’s climbing the Y axis in Tubbland. The best part about Mr.
Blinky is—why aren’t you taking notes? Take notes.
TUBB stares blankly, smiling wide.
JONES: Okay…? Dr. Tubb? We’re going to have you sit down now. Next up we have Mr. Caballero.
CABALLERO walks to the front.
CABALLERO: Okay, folks. Time to start class! MY math class is starting now and if you’re not here
you need a pass to be considered tardy. And if not I'll send you down to the office. You know I have 9
kids and they were never late! Never late to class. They all were valedictorian and all went to Yale and
now they are lawyers and doctors...well except for one. He didn’t like to learn, so he went to Florida
State, but we don’t talk about him. Okay, well this is a basic principle, folks. Everyone thinks this
concept is hard, but it’s easy! It’s so easy if you do it the way I do it. Those other ways you were taught
don’t make any sense! I could teach this to 3rd graders in 2 weeks and they would be getting A's on all
of these tests! Alright, well first you are gonna start with this equation…
CABALLERO begins scribbling a complicated equation on his white board, and then begins circling
random things. Then, he stops.
CABALLERO: Come on, Caballero. Think, Caballero. This is ridiculous! How could I not remember
this? Come on Caballero!
JONES: Okay, thank you Mr. Caballero. That will do. You can try to remember back at your seat. Okay,
guys. We’re almost done for today. Next up: Mr. Paloumpis. Stop playing solitaire back their, P!
PALOUMPIS walks to the front, attempting to fist bump everyone on the way up.
PALOUMPIS: Sorry Jones, about the solitaire, but it’s the only thing that keeps me awake!
PALOUMPIS laughs heartily for a very long time.
PALOUMPIS: No, but seriously guys. Cuban Missile Crisis. The Russians were supplying Cuba with
goods in return for some space to hold some missiles. The missiles were just close enough to annihilate
New York City. You understand? It’s crazy right? It’s totally crazy, right? I know. Of course JFK was

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like “oooh, you better get your missiles away from my land…” But, the plan didn’t go so well. If you ask
me JFK may have been compensating just a little…
PALOUMPIS begins laughing loudly and uncontrollably.
JONES: Okay, I’ve had enough. We have one last teacher and then we’re out of here. Mrs. Rizzo.
TEACHERS are talking noisily while RIZZO walks to the front.
RIZZO: Excuse me.
The entire class goes dead silent.
RIZZO: Thank you. Now, I know it’s been a long day and we all want to go home. There’s no time to
go over anything so I’m just going to call the day early. Unfortunately, I will not be returning. This is
my last year with all of you. It’s been wonderful working here at Hillsborough High School. I love you
all and I’m going to miss you all.
THE INTERCOM sounds.
ORR: Good afternoon, students. It’s time for the afternoon announcements: Flag football practice is
cancelled on account of puddles. Tonight is the meeting of sophisticated ladies, not to be confused with
the meeting of ladies of sophistication next week. Also, we have some bus changes. Bus number 3736
will be riding bus number 9685. Bus number 8468 will be riding bus number 7478. Buses number 9834
and 2662 will be riding bus number 8943, which is actually riding bus number 9070. Students riding bus
number 1 will be riding bus number .5, but they will not all fit, so the rest will ride the other bus
number.5. Good job students for having a safe a smooth day, save for a few minor mishaps. The senior
skit is now over, but if there’s one thing, IB seniors, that you should remember from your four years
here is that—
THE BELL rings.
ORR: —Thank you, and go big red.
ALL exit.

END