IFreakedOut

WhatdidIgetmyselfinto?!Thisisbad.

Thenextmorning,Ireceivedaconfirmationemail.Thepublishingcompanywantedto
graciouslythankmeforthebookviathetextofanemailandanattachedpictureofakitten.
Eyerollingapathymixedwiththewarmthofajobwelldonetoformmyreaction.Thegesture
mayhavebeenautomatedandartificial,butitsignifiedthatmyworkwascompletedwithouta
problem.Thedifferencebetweenanautomatedresponseandarealonewashuge,however,
andthedissonancelockedanxietyinmymind.Thedifferencewaswhetherornottheywanted
tokeeppublishingmybooks.Iftheylikedmybook,theydtellmesotheydbringmeinto
shakemyhandandgivemecreativedirectionforthenextproject.Iftheydidntlikeit,theyd
dragtheirfeetthroughthemotionsandgivemetheleastofeffortinordertokeeptheir
obligationofhandlingtheadministrativeendofmybook.Theydputahalfpageadvertisement
inthemiddleofFucciboiMagazineandmakesurethebottomofaYouTubepodcastmentioned
thetitleofmybookwhichwouldultimatelyattractthreeorfournewreaders.Iwantedthemto
likethebookIwantedthemtolikeitandkeepmeonboardasatrustedauthorandsharea
relationshipwherewebothgotheextramile,butIdidntknowiftheysharedthatsentiment.I
didntknowbecausemyonlyfeedbackwasapictureofababycat.

IwasstayingtruetothatmomentthatIhadinthebathroom.Itoldmyselfthepastwasin
thepastandImeantit.Idecidedtoreadintotheliteratureproducedbymypeers.Iwasstarting
withthatmysteriousbookthatwasemailedtome.HetitleditT heRealWorldOrder.Itwasa
playonwordsconcerningtheNewWorldOrder,aconspiracytheoryconcerningtheIlluminati
whichrangedfrombackdooragreementsbetweenpoliticianstolizardpeoplethatcontrolledthe
Earth.Theauthorseemedlikeagenuinepersonwithwildideasbut,tohiscredit,hestayed
awayfromthetheaterofpoliticalconspiracywhenheconstructedhisbookaboutthetruth.His
languagewascolorful,givingacontexttothestiflingdisappointmentthatheexpressedoutside
thepublishingoffice.Hisbookongrandancestralsymbolswasshotdownbyaneditorand
thereforetheonetruelinktoprehistorywassevered.Thebookwasobviouslyauthoredbyan
impassionedauthorwhotrulybelievedwhathewaswriting.Hisslewofpicturestryingtofinda
scientificbasiswasenoughtoconfirmthepassion.HeanalyzedtheheaddressesofNative
Americansandthepatternsofdecorationsonancient,painteddragons.Heevencataloged
minorburnmarksonhisownhandsinrelationtoascalethatshowed,downtothemillimeter,
howlargetheabrasionwas.

Iwantedtogivekudostotheauthorofthearcane.Inmymorevulnerablemoments,I
wouldgushabouthowsacredthedutyofthefictionauthorwastome.Ithoughtabout
continuingthepracticeofgivingthegiftofimaginationtofuturegenerations.Thatmanseemed
totakeitastepfurther:hebelievedthathewastryingtogetusbacktothepracticeofpassing
downspirit.Hethoughtthathehadfoundthemissinglinkthatdecipheredthedifferences
betweenculturesthatspannedtheentireworld.Inthemodernage,hethoughthimselfthe

prophetthatlinkedBuddhism,Islam,ChristianityandthePantheonofAncientGreeceintheir
mostinherentsense.Ithoughtitwasanambitiousventure,butIalsoconsideredhowambitious
thatpeoplecanget.Forexample,Idontknowthattheauthorwasmoreambitiousthanany
presidentialcandidate.Icontinuedtoread,andasIdid,Ibecamemoreimmersedinit.Iwanted
tobelievehim.Iwantedhimtoberight.Histheorieswerecolorfulandtheillustrationof
similaritiesbetweenreligionswerecomforting.Ifhecouldunitewartornideologies,itwould
meansomuchtohumanityasawhole.

IwouldntsaythatIgotengrossedinthenarrative.Ispenthoursreadingthrough,
scouringfordetails,though.Thatwasntabnormalforme,however.WhenIdidread,Ireadfor
alongtime.WhenIgotintoloreforvideogames,Iwouldagainspendhourssearchingforlittle
dropletsofnewinformation.Whentheauthorofthebookputinpicturesandextendedthelore
oftherealworld,hecreatedafascinatingread.Iwasntabouttojoinhiscult,butIbecame
curious.Beyondillustrations,heprovidedinstructions.Hecreatedsymbols,sculpturesand
chantingsthatpromisedtoshowthetruthbeyondthewalloftheEarth.Iwantedtotryit.Ihad
nothingelsetodosinceIjustpublishedabookandIneedednewinspirationinordertowrite
anotherone.IfIwasgoingtofindinspirationthatsetmeapartfromtherestofmypeers,
perhapsIcouldusethesubstancethatcausedanothermantowriteabook.Iwouldjustusemy
pedigreeofsuccessfulbooksandrubmymagicontothepagesandIwouldgetpublished
wheremypredecessorhadfailed.

Icavedinanddecidedtogotothelocalstore,assuggested,andpickupsomecandles.
LikeanevilritualIwastoplacethemsystematicallyaroundadrawnsymbolontheground.I
evenscouredYouTubefortherightbinauralbeatscoupledwithIndianchantingthatmost
accuratelydescribedhisdescriptionofthefirsttimehesawtheotherworld.Icheckedthe
glossaryatthebackofthebookformarijuana.Hewassurprisinglyneutralonthesubjectfor
somebodywhowroteaboutspirituality.Iwouldhavefiguredthatthespiritualsideofsmoking
wouldbelitteredallthroughouthiswork.Hetalkedabouthowluciddreamingwasdiminishedby
usingherb,butinanotherchapter,hetalkedabouthowgreatgettinghighwasforinitiationinto
spiritualhierarchieswithincommunities.IdecidedtogethighIwasntgoingtotaketheattempt
seriouslyifIwasjustgoingtowhiteknucklemyattempt.IfIweresober,Iwouldlookaroundlike
Iwasataparty.Perhapsinebriatedpeopleorspiritswouldcirclearoundme,butIwouldntbe
abletoappreciatetheirpresenceatall.

Sunsetscameearlyinthedayduringthelatefall.Isawsunlightfadethroughtheblinds
inmyapartment.AfterIreturnedfromthestorewithcandlesandconstructionpaper,Ionlywent
outsideoneothertimethatday.Iwentforasmallwalkthroughthenearbypark.Happycouples
mademybloodcoagulateasIwalkedpastthem.Forfractionsofminutes,myexistence
becamelikethatofabitterhunchback.Isupposedthatnobodydeservedtobealone,butIfelta
gnawingonmypsycheknowinghowcontentpeoplecouldbeintheirlivesbycomparisontomy
lonelyone.Nonetheless,whenIreturnedhomeatthebottomendofthesunset,Idrownedout
thethoughtwithweed.Iwasntsupposedtosmokeinsidethestudioapartment,butforthepast
fewyears,Ihadntsetoffthefirealarm.IhadntevensetitoffwhileIwascooking.Ifelt

apatheticaboutmyvictimlesscrimeespeciallysincetheherbwaslegalatthestatelevel.
UnlessanFBIagentwereabouttostopme,Ipaidlittlemindtotheneedtostop.Thepartofthe
ritualthatmademefeelguiltybeyondbeliefwasthecandles.Thefirehazardsthatthreatened
toengulfmyapartmentand,byextension,mylifeinflameswereflickeringwithoutnoise.They
wouldbeleftunattendedshouldIhaveactuallyastrallyprojectedintoanotherworld.Thoughit
wasauxiliarytotheprotocolthatwaslaidoutbeforeme,Isubmergedthecandlesinwater.If
theyburntveryfar,theywouldbeextinguishedbytheglassbowlsthattheywerein.

Iputthebowlsonfourcornersofalargepieceofwhiteconstructionpaper.Insharpie,I
drewabunchofdisconnected,curvedlinesthatformedacounterclockwisecircle.Ontheside
towardsmeandawayfromme,Idrewlittle,straightlinesbetweenthecandlebowlsthatlightly
contouredtothecircleinside.Ontheleftside,IdrewtheChinesesymbolfordo:aboxinside
ofanL.Ontheright,IdrewtheChinesesymbolfornight:asidewaysboxunderaroof.My
apartmentwaslitonlybycandlelight.Onmylaptop,IheardIndianmenchantingovera
pulsatingbeatwithintermittentchimessounding.Iwascoughingatthebottomofabowlof
marijuana.Ispatashintooneofthecandlebowles.Theworldaroundmewasquietasmy
thoughtssloshedaroundinmyhead.Myanxietiesweredrownedoutbythesoundsand
excitementoffindingoutwhetherornottheotherauthorsoneinabillionpropositionheldany
merit.Ikeptthedoubt,thecertaintythattheplanwouldntworkinmyhead.Theinstructions
statedhowvitalitwasnottokeepaclearmind,butrathertokeepmyselfoutoftheequation.

IstaredintenselyatthedrawingthatIhadmadeasitappearedthroughtheflickeringof
candlelight.IlookedateveryflawthatImadeinsharpie,admiringtheidiosyncrasiesofevery
linethatIdrew.Istruggledtokeepmyeyesopenwithintheapartmentwithlowlightand
calmingmusic.IwassocomfortableinsweatpantsandacottonTshirt,butmyheadwas
beginningtodroop.IkeptshiftingbackintoahalflotuspositionasthoughIwasmeditating.I
focusedonbreathingforwhatfeltlikeanhour.Asitturnsout,Ihadonlybeenstaringfor20
minuteswhenIfinallycavedandcheckedmyphone.

Ifoughtbacktears,anangrymindandoverwhelmingdoubttositinoneplacestaringat
nothingforanhour.Ifeltlikeapathetic,anxioushumanbeingforhavingsuchasmallattention
span.Irelaxedandstretchedmylegs,readytogiveup.Ilistenedtothechantingforaminute
asIwasregainingmycomposure.Idecidedtogivemyself10moreminutestotryandastrally
projecttoanotherworldsothatIcouldunravelthemysteriesofancientreligionsbymyself.I
wantedtoseetheritualthroughtoprovetomyselfthatIcouldatleastfailcorrectly.Isat
crisscrossagainandstaredintothemiddleofthesharpiedrawnsymbol.AsIwasinthemiddle
ofthefinalstretch,which,thattime,wastrulythefinalstretchbeforeIwouldhonestlygiveup,I
groaned.ThegroansynchedupperfectlytothetailendofachantfromtheYouTubevideo.I
closedmyeyesandimmediatelybeforeIevenconsideredthemeaningbehindthecoincidence.
MymindbegantogohaywireIfeltlikeIwasbeginningtodream.Iwasworriedaboutfalling
asleepwhilethecandleswerestilllitsomyfirstinstinctwastoopenmyeyesagain.Iignoredit
becauseoftheinstructionstokeepmyselfoutoftheequation.IdidntfallasleepandIdidnt
wakeup,Ijustwaitedtoseewhatwouldhappen.


Ibegandreaming.Iwashardlyconsciousofthetransition.MyimaginationtookholdasI
foundmyselfinanewscenario.Iwasatthebottomofawellwithstairsinit.Thestairs,
however,werebroken.Ibeganstackingutensils,blocksandbricksorwhateverIcouldgetmy
handsontotryandgetupandoutofthewell.TodosowasthenaturalurgethatIfelt.WhenI
heardachimegooffinreallife,IrealizedIwasdreaming.Iwantedtojoltoutofit,but,once
again,Ijustwaitedtoseewhatwouldhappen.IlookedupwardandoutofthewellandIsawa
light.ItshonedownonmeandIopenedmyeyesviolently.Asthechantingcamebacktomy
earsandcandlelighttomyeyes,Isawthemiddleofthesymbolbegintoglowforhalfofa
second.Ifellthroughthedrawing.Theportalinthemiddleofasharpiedrawingbecamemy
onlyexplanationforthesupernaturalphenomenonthatIwaswitnessing.Iwasinafreefall
downintoaflower.Mydreambecameesotericasafaintlyglowinggreenflowergrewoutofa
blackbackground.IwatchedcoloredstarsmakewayformeasIfellfacefirsttowardsmy
destination.TheysparkledquietlyastheybrokethesilenceofsoundandsightasItraveled
towardsmydestination.IcouldntbesurewhetherIwasflyingorfalling,butIwasquickly
approachingthecenterofthebloomedflowerbecausethelightthatIhadseenwasgetting
bigger.ArushofmisthitmyfaceasIopenedmyeyesoncemore.

Thenightwasstilldark,whichmadesense.Theproblemwasthatmyroofhadbeen
blownoff.Icouldseethestarsintheskynotthecoloredonesinmyfallingdream,butthe
onesthatstayedstillinthesky.Iwasntevenconvincedthatmyfallingwasadream,becauseI
wokeupinaplacethatwaswhollyunfamiliar.Theentireworldaroundmeseemedforeign.The
stoneofthebuildingIfoundmyselfinhadapurplehue.Decoratedcolumnsformedanopen
cubearchitecturearoundme.Thecolumnsweredecoratedbyindentationthatspannedthe
entirelengthoftheroomonlytofindorbitalconnectiontothegroundortovertices.TheshrineI
wasinwasatthetopofahill.Iwasilluminatedbytwomoonsandtheircombinedmoonlight.I
thoughtmyselfinadream,soIpinchedmyself.Ifeltpainwithallthenormalcyofmywakinglife.
Mymindfunctionedandnopartofmyenvironmentmeltedlikeadreamwould.Iwasawake,but
Ihadnttraveledanywhere.Ilookedbackdownthehilltoseehousesofwoodandbrick.The
villageortownthatIoverlookedwasasleepastherewasnolightcomingfromthehouses.I
lookedbackintotheshrinetoseeagraystonealtar.Ontopofthealtar,Ifoundetchingsthat
werestrikinglysimilartotheonesthatIhadmadeinsharpie.Therewerekeydifferences,
especiallythelackofChinesecharacters.

ItwasonlyafterseeingthosesymbolsthatitdawnedonmethatIhadfoundEvanslost
world.Theauthorwasrightabouttheextraordinaryworld!InsteadofChinesecharacters,the
newpeoplehadamirrorandcolorfulopaloneithersideofanondirectional,disjointedcirclein
themiddle.Themiddleofthecirclealsohadadotinthemiddleofit,unliketheonethatthe
authorcited.Iwantedtoknowwhythereweredifferencesinsteadofexactreplicasofthe
symbolsbetweenthetwoworlds.IwantedtoknowwhereIwasandwhatIwasdoing,butmy
curiositywashushedbytakinginmorescenery.Therestoftheplatformwasflatandpatterned
blanketsweredispersedlookingtowardthealtar.Thesideoftheplatformbehindthealtarhad
paintedvasesofceramicclayoverlookingtheedgeofthehill.


Iwasequalpartsfascinatedanddisturbedbymylocation.Theshrubberyatthebottom
ofthehillswasbeautifullygrownandtheshrinewascertainlyasacredplaceforthevillage.
Unfortunately,IwasterriblylostandhadnoinklingofhowIwouldgetbacktomyapartment.I
hadastrallyprojectedjustliketheauthorpromised.Thesituationdidntseemlikealuciddream,
Iwascompletelyawake.Isawawomaninarobeandaflattopslowlywalkingupthehilltoward
theshrine.Shehadjetblackhairandafacepaintedcompletelyinwhite.Shekepthereyes
closedasshewalkedupthewoodenstepsthathadbeenindentedinthehilluptotheshrine.
ShewasunliketheJapanesegeishawhohaddecoratedfaces.Sheseemedtohavehastily
paintedherfacewithonlywhitebecausetheedgesseemedtogetintoherhairandshehadno
othercolorsuponherface.Ididnttakeforgrantedthatshehadcompletelyhumanfeaturesand
wassimilarinstaturetoatinywomanasIwouldknowher.Shecouldhavebeenagreenalien
withtentaclesforallIknewofmycurrentpredicament.Shewalkedontotheshrinewithboth
feetandstoodstill.Sheopenedhereyes.

Shespokeunintelligibly.Notinadifferentlanguage,herspeechwasunabletobe
deciphered.

Hello?Iexclaimed.

Sheagainspokewithoutbeingabletobeunderstood.Shetiltedherhead.

Icantunderstandyou.Isaidasmyvoicebroke.Ibegantocowerbacktowardsthealtar.

Iwelcomethenewwalker.ThatiswhyIamhere.Sheresponded.

YyouspeakEnglish?Iasked.Myvoicetrembledasmylegsbegantoshake.

Yes.Yourtransitionisformetowatch.

Transition?!Iscreeched.

Welcometoyou.

AmIinDenver,Colorado?Iwantedtoconfirm.

IsDenverspokenofinAuroronorareyouoftheothers?

Iwasntabletomakeheadsortailsofherwords.Iwantedtobebackhomemorethan
ever.Ibegantopanic.Iranawaypastthealtar.ThebottomofthehillwasalongwaydownI
felttrapped.Igrabbedoneofthesmallerceramicvases.Iwasntafraidtoresorttoviolence.I
wasnthomeandIverywellcouldhavebeenawayfromEarth.Iputallmyeggsinthebasket
thattoldmethat,evenifIwasntdreaming,IcouldstillwakeuplikeIwas.Ilookedbackather

andsheheldherhandout.Inbothhands,IgrabbedontoavasesmouthandbottomasI
jumpedontothealtar.Ihelditabovemyheadandsmashedit.Ibeganintoabloodcurdling
scream.

Iwokeup.Itwasasuddentransition.Thecandleswerestillburning.Myheartwas
beatingrapidlyandIwassweating.IblewoutthecandlesandIturnedonthelights.Iwas
awakeandIwasinmyapartment.