HellW Georgia

To

ith

Wikileaks
uncovers
professor
scandal!

Read more on pg...

does it matter?
Can you even read?

Friday, November 18, 2016 vol. 102, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net

RALLY FOR
H A R AMBE
ORREN GU TAN

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

The 2016 election cycle has
resulted in many left discontent
with the nomination process. As
Trump and Clinton became the
primary candidates for the presidential race, some voters were
left without a candidate that they
felt truly represented their beliefs
and ideas. With their choices narrow, many citizens have chosen
to express their frustration at the
election and nomination process
through write-ins, an option that
was popular in Georgias AthensClarke County as the UGA community came together and cast
their votes for Harambe.
Speaking to students at a Harambe rally earlier this month,
we discovered that many UGA
students believe that Harambe effectively represents their desire to
heal the wounds of dissention in
our society during the tumultuous
presidential race. He may be gone
but a vote for the prominent gorilla is, for some, a vote for justice.
Both College Republicans and
Democrats came together here in
an admirable show of unity. One
voter we spoke to claimed, We
decided to put aside our differences and loyalties and do what
we felt was right.

Another
voter
perfectly
summed up the feelings of his
peers: I feel like there isnt much
to say at this point. A few weeks
ago, I felt hopeless and frustrated
at our circumstances and it made
me realise that Id felt this way before. I asked myself who I would
trust with this country. The answer was clear. I urge the UGA
community to vote for him, and
let the world know that we will
never stop fighting for justice.
The atmosphere after election
day weighed heavy with grief as
students continue to mourn their
nominees loss.
It has shone a light on the dehumanisation that animals face in
every day. In a wave of online activism following the tragedy, students shared videos of capuchin
monkeys demanding grapes and
cats dancing to music to remind
us that these creatures are just as
capable as us should we care to
understand them.
It doesnt matter that Harambe
would have only technically 17 at
the time of inauguration or the
fact that he is a deceased ape. The
u[sic]ga community will support
him again in 2020 long after this
has stopped being funny.

no way of knowing, and either

way, its too late now.
All we can hope is that these
students learn from their mistake
and never invalidate their vote
again, but considering this is Athens, its highly unlikely.
Until then, we here at the Red

and Black will keep bringing you

the most pressing investigative
journalism on campus; our next
major project? Figuring out the
real reason behind the camo trend
sweeping campus. Heres a sneak
peek: we suspect the students
think theyre invisible.

Stylish selifies disqualify votes

BAY SIKBEECH

OH.EM.GEE.
America is still coming to terms
with the results of this presidential
election, especially the majority of
of college students. However, a
major anomaly came to our attention; it appeared a large number of
ballots from Athens were disqualified.
We decided to investigate to
find out why so many anomalies
occurred. We decided to start by
talking to students who posted
pictures of their Im a Georgia
Voter stickers on social media; it
took a while to get through them
all because so many students had
posted. However, while we were
looking through those student
pictures, we noticed something:
for approximately every selfie with
a sticker, there were at least one or
two selfies of a person with their
ballot, la Justin Timberlake.
We believe that the main reason this happened was that they
saw only the selfie of the popular
singer and followed in his foot-

steps.
We interviewed firt-year Molly
Lolly a confectionery major about
why she decided to snap a selfie
while voting. Well, yeah its super
cool that JT posted a selfie with
his ballot, but Im not one to jump
on the bandwagon like that. She
continued, I realized that the ballot really complimented my complexion so I thought Why miss
this picture perfect moment?
Another student Eric Shun
said, A selfie. Yeah, thats cool.
But I snapchatted the whole experience. I wanted to let my fans go
through the voting process with
me, you know? I got to give the
people what they want. Shin is
an aspiring Musical.ly star with a
grand total of three followers including the girlfriend he doesnt
have and the hobo near Five Guys.
Regardless of their reasons,
what they completely forgot
though, was that Georgia is one
of the states that disqualifies your
vote if you take a picture with it,
even if youre the son of one of the
the President-Elect (were looking

Why miss this picture

perfect moment?

at you, Eric Trump).

What does this mean for these
underrepresented students? According to our approximations,
nearly 60% of campus invalidated
their vote. Would those votes have
swung Georgia blue, or made it a
more resolute red? Theres really

2 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// NOOSE

THWUGA: Good Astronomy club blinded afOld Fashioned Hate ter inspection of the sun
VIDYA IYER

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
For the more than one hundredth time, let us welcome all of
you freshmen to Tech. We are excited to present the 2016 To Hell
With Georgia Issue. Contained
in these pages you will find all
manner of outlandish, (hopefully) entertaining and completely
false material we aspire to think
up for every THWUGA edition.
Beginning as a modest fourpage paper, published on Nov.
17, 1911, the first issue of the
Technique focused primarily
on the then-upcoming football
game with Georgia. Its from this
moment the Souths Liveliest
College Newspaper began.
And, as a tip of the hat to
this modest start, the staff of
the Technique produce an issue
dedicated to mocking Georgias
newspaper, The Red and Black.
Though this issue relies on ste-

reotypes we agree are not as true

as they once were (Georgia students arent necessarily drunken
rednecks nor are Tech students
necessarily nerdy introverts), its
not about the stereotypes.
Yes, the jokes contained
herein maintain the sordid tradition of low blows in the form
of incest-, alcohol- and stupidityrelated material. Is it fair to continue to perpetuate these false
stereotypes? Not necessarily.
But, the most important aspect of this annual issue is the
tradition: the traditions we repeat year after year, the traditions that hold campus together
and, of course, the tradition of
Good Old-Fashioned Hate.
So, as you flip through these
24 pages, remember the Good
Word (To hell with georgia, for
those who have forgotten), and
what binds all Tech students together: our Good Old-Fashioned
Hate of our rivals up the road.

PETER PANDA

DAVID BOWIES LOVECHILD WITH SIA

Earlier this week, the

Astronomy Club at
The University [sic]
of Georgia We See
Stars made an extraordinary discovery.
A large glowing celestial body was seen by
all members of the club.
The club has weekly
meetings at a time convenient for all members,
5:00 p.m. on Wednesdays. The usual series of events is a roll
call, set up of a telescope and a discussion
of constellations, and
other various cosmic
sightings.
Favorite
constellations of the
club include the North
Stairs, Brians Belt,
and Ursa Majorette.
Members of the club

called a press conference for the sighting.

Local news stations
and papers were in attendance of the once
in a blue moon event
for We See Stars.
Wanting to mimic conventions used by professional astronomers,
the club has named the
star WSS 8675309,
whose proper name has
been dubbed The Sun.
Curiously, the club
had a third party present
to moderate questions,
and all of the members
wore eye patches to the
press conference. After reporters queried
after the questionable
fashion choice of each
member wearing two
eyepatches, a shocking
admission was made.
After noticing the
large shining star in the
sky, that has been no-

ticeable quite often during the day, each member took a long look
into the telescope. Each
member was immediately blinded by the bright
rays of The Sun.
None of the blinded members thought to
warn the next before
the entire club was injured by the amazing
discovery.
The school will commemorate the club and
the personal sacrifices
made by each member
with a statue of The
Sun to be placed in the
parking lot of the science building. The unveiling will take place
in a weeks time.
At this time, it is not
yet known if the damage
to the retinas of the astronomy club members
will be permanent, or
will fade in time.

criminally criminal crimes committed by criminals

HARRIET HERMAN

ABANDONED LOVER OF HORSES

yall, Im just gonna come out and

say it. If you know where Henry
went a tip would really be helpful.

I MISS YOU, HENRY

A horse was stolen from outside
a residence hall at roughly 2 a.m.
last night. Henry was his name.
Yall, I dont know if you knew
Henry but he had the sweetest
eyes and the most radiant smile
Ive ever seen. His mane was all
glossy and sometimes it smelled
like strawberries. Where is he?
Where is Henry? Who took him
out of my life? I love him dearly

HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG

There were going to be other
crime reports here but I need to
get something off my chest. Yall,
I just found out that Henry wasnt
stolen he left me. We never had
so much as a disagreement, never
fought once. You are a beastly
little horse, Henry, and I hope
someone punishes you for leaving me. When did I ever leave you
unsatisfied? When were you ever

sLuvr

r thoughts realli throughts?

please let me out
im fucking serious i am locked in a farm under the football stadium
theyre getting angry
WHOEVER IS SLEEPING WITH MY COUSIN: I CALLED
FIRST DIBS
where in the hell is my horse
Guys Im about to freak out I just failed my Algebra 1 test so hard
and I can tell it was the FOIL that got me but I just cant handle it
Please oh please will someone tell me who let the dogs out I want to
find them and make them safe and happy
This publication actually does suck.
I swear everyone is so damn sensitive these days its like I cant kiss
my sister in public without there being some kind of fit. Liberals are
the worst amirite.
Sometimes I have dirty thoughts about people not related to me. Is
that wrong? Am I going to Hell?
Sometimes i think the trees are talking to me
Im really not a redneck but put me in coach Im ready to wrastle
You know ur a redneck when you cant read. lmao
Them city slickers cant see us when we wear camo. use this to ur
advantage when tryna to deceive a yank
GO DWAGS SIC EMOFOFOFOWOWOWOWOOFOOFFOFOWOFO
ayund awn the ayth daey gawd creahtehd thuh sayunfoRD staydium
Dont lie to me: Larry the Cable Guy is hot and you know it
Im thinking about rushing Tri-Kap
Bruh you down to go toss the rock?
PLEDGE!!!!!!!
I dont know who is hotter: first cousin twice removed or second
cousin once removed???
When Im bored, I tie a strong rope to the hitches of my trucks and
play tug-a-war with the trucks
Aint nothin finer in the land than a drunk obnoxious georgia fan
First you multiply the inner numbers...and then...divide? And thats
the intagrill

unhappy with what I gave you?

Why would you do this? We were
satisfied, emotionally and spiritually (and also sexually) for many
years. Go f*ck yourself.
I HAVE ANOTHER HORSE NOW
Henry, you should have known
this was coming. Ive moved on
and I hope youre sad wherever
you are. I have a new horse, and
his name is Harry. Hes way glossier and more brooding than you
ever were, you useless mammal.
I hope you enjoy bedding a horse
without thumbs to caress you.

Photo by MaryMae Mulberry Knows confused people, is confused

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 3

// NOOSE

Learn how 2 transfer 2 Tech w/

a new course designed to learn u
DIRTY CHANEL OLICKS

DEFINITELY NOT A STRIPPER

Starting this Spring, the College of Engineering will offer a
course focused on transferring to
Georgia Tech.
Called How to Get an Actual Engineering Degree, students will learn the ins and outs
of transferring into the world class
institution.
The course will cover everything
from succeeding in prerequisite
classes, finding housing and tractor parking around Atlanta, and,
most importantly, submitting the
application.
I think most of my colleagues
agree that our students have the
hardest time actually submitting the applications ... Filling
out the application is one thing,
but the misspellings and errors
do not hold a candle to the difficulty our students have with navigating Common App, says Dr.
Redneck, the dean of the College
of Engineering and the professor
tasked with teaching this course.
Each class we will do a little
dry run to help them type in the
application website, upload their
application, and hit the button
that says submit. It really is quite
daunting. The first half of the
course will cover pertinent infor-

mation for potential transfers, but

will mainly focus on submitting
the application. I tried to transfer once before, says third-year
industrial engineering student
Whuten Idyiet (its French). I
looked for hours, but I couldnt
find the button to submit the application!
Once the class masters the big

submittal, Dr. Redneck hopes

they will be able to get into more
complex material, such as learning
the fight song and understanding
other Tech traditions.
The fight song is complex -thats a lot of verses for our students to remember, Dr. Redneck
says. Who knows, this might
need to be a course all on its own.

Photo by MaryMae Mulberry Took this photo too

Student blazerspace
opens and its super lit
PAYS THEBLUNT
OPINIONS EDITOR

On Nov. 12, former

u[sic]ga wide receiver
and current player
for Cincinnati Bengals
AJ Green announced
that he plans to donate
$5 million to the u[sic]
ga agriculture department for the construction of a new state-ofthe-art cannabis grove,
to be called the Student
Blazerspace. The grove
will be housed in a massive greenhouse on campus, and students in the
department of agriculture will have access
to it for experiments
involving the plant.
When asked what kind
of research he hoped to
conduct,
agriculture
student Billy Blaze commented that Im really
excited for the grove. I
think it will really help
me with my smoking I
mean research!
When asked why he
was donating the Blazerspace, Green explained
I just really wanted
to build something that
would perfectly embody
the memories I have of
my time on campus.

Join the

Technique
Flags Bldg 137 Writers, tDesigners, Photographers

nique.net

/thenique

@the_nique

While only agriculture

students will have full
weekday access to the
grove, all students will
have access on weekends,
and a limited number of
students will be admitted each weekday at 4:20
pm. Additionally, products crafted from the
plants will be available
in a dispensary in Bolton
Dining Commons.
Lee Wallace, the chair
of the agriculture department, said that the
grove offers dual functionality; it satisfies the
research needs of our
department, and offers
recreation
activities
to campus as a whole.
Retired peanut farmer
and chemistry department chair Bo Cullen described the donation as
good for the university
[sic], but pretty unfair.
We in chemistry have
been asking for a meth
lab for years.
New football coach
and professional disappointment Kirby Smart
suggested that it would
be great if the facility
could be completed before signing day, as it
could be a valuable tool
for future football
recruitment.

4 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Students gather on Election Day

to view race results at speedway
TEDDY CRUZ

Research discovers gravity, but

cannot explain phenomenon

cited to see how they do. I aint never

As the election drew to a close on Nov.

seen a presidential race up close before! Students began tailgating in the

center of the speedway when it became
apparent that the presidential racers

8, u[sic]ga students gathered at Atlanta

Motor Speedway to watch the final moments of what has been an intense race
that has captured the attention of the
entire nation.

would be much later than expected.

Some attendants admitted to not actually being students, but stayed because
they thought there was a football
game there later that day.

Students were excited to be able to see

the finish up close and personal instead
of waiting for updates from television.
One student, Lym P. Johnsons, said I

Jimmy Russels, one such attendant, explained why he had come to the event
between long draws from a can of Natty Light: If them dwags are playin here

dont know how theyre gunna outrun

them NASCARs. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is
purty fast in that car of his. But Im ex-

too-day then by God Im gonna be here. I

aint ever missed a game since I was born
and hellll freeze over the day I do.

ADORABLE ZODIAC KILLER

// NOOSE

Design by Tanner Glutes Fine piece of Man Meat

BUD LIGHTBEER

BENEVOLENT DICTATOR
Professors at u[sic]ga have
recently
discovered
what
causes their spit to fall to the
ground when dipping and why
everyone hasnt floated out of
Athens yet.
We made a big discovery today, said Dr. Izzy Dum, head
of terrestrial physics, before
this we didnt really know
what made stuff fall down in
Athens. Rain, piss, drunks, it
was all a mystery. The dis-

covery marks a huge breakthrough for the department.

It was previously thought that
the only thing keeping people
in Athens on the ground was
gum stuck to the bottom of
their shoes. The discovery
was made by a four-man team
made up of a third, fourth and
fifth year freshman and a sentient can of Pabst Blue Ribbon known as Pablo. Its like,
a-maze-ing that we are held
down by some random force
and not the gum we always
stick on the bottom of our
shoes, said the fourth year

freshman, I mean, who knew

that the greatest minds of our
generation hadnt thought
of this? When asked what
they were calling this new
force, the third year freshman said, We havent really
thought of a name yet, but
were thinkin something like
falling force cause ya know,
it makes stuff fall. Using this
new breakthrough, the group
plans to move forward with
testing more hypotheses. Do
drunks experience more falling force than sober people?
How does jumping work?

Photo by THE ACTUAL QUEEN Photography Genius and Ray of Sunshine

JACKSOM COX

PURVEYOR OF FACTS

On Nov. 15, 2016, Ugga XX

was found dead in his dwaghouse
after a lengthy 10-week career as
the official live mascot. May he
rip in peace. I know his soul will
be in Heaven according to the acclaimed documentary All Dogs
Go to Heaven. May God bless
his noble soul.
Ugga XX was known for his
many tricks that he would play
at sporting events, from pissing
on his handler to shitting on his
handler to his occasional collapses on the field due to temporary
cardiac arrest.
We are so grateful that since
Ugga XV, the school has given
every new Ugga a pacemaker to
extend their life well past the average expectancy of about two days.

a beer to pour onto the body of

Flapjacks as well as many beers to
drink away the sorrow of losing
yet another member of the prestigious Ugga line. As usual, Natty
Light will be sold for anyone in
need of expensive champagne.
Sadly, Ugga XXs doggy wife
passed away shortly after the death
of her husband, due to the failure
of her handler to apply the hourly
insulin shot required to keep all in
the exalted Ugga lineage alive.
The couple, now reunited
in Heaven, are succeeded by
their daughter and cousin, Ugga
XX-and-a-half, also known as
Wheeze. We expect her obituary to be out within the next five
issues. May you rip in peace and
may your food always be delicious
yet small enough for you to digest
without chewing, as you have no
teeth. Were going to miss you,
Flapjacks.

NEWS

WERE NUT KIDDING AROUND

HERE. THERES A STICKY
SITUATION GOING DOWN IN
FRESHMAN DORMS AND ITS
JACKING
UP
EVERYONES
SHOWER EXPERIENCES. THOSE
WHO ELECT TO CHOKE THEIR
CHICKENS IN THE COMMUNAL
COOP ARE BEING ASKED TO GET
A GRIP ON THEIR PROBLEM; THE
GO-GO JUICE IS APPARENTLY
GUMMING UP THE WORKS AND
CLOGGING THE PIPES. FUTURE
SELF-LOVE SESSIONS SHOULD
TAKE PLACE IN THE BOUDOIR,
SINCE NOBODY IS GONNA HIT
THAT ANYWAY.
TAKE A TISSUE, SOLVE THIS
ISSUE. DONT BE A JERK AND
STOP JERKIN IT. JIZZ LESS.

FURRY FRIEND FOREVER

Unfortunately, it was not heart

failure that did poor Ugga XX in,
but a lack of airflow due to his
many neck folds.
The autopsy determined that
Ugga had fallen asleep on his side,
causing ten of his neck folds to fall
on his mouth, suffocating him as
he slept. In memory, we will now
ask for a respirator to be provided to every new Ugga to prevent
such a tragedy from occurring
ever again.
Ugga XX shall now and forever be known as Flapjacks to
honor his memory and his many,
many neck folds, which some have
compared in the past to the breakfast concoction known outside of
u[sic]ga as pancakes and known
inside this noble institution as
flapjacks.
There will be a memorial service tomorrow for Flapjacks. Attendees are encouraged to bring

ABLE WOODLAND
CR EATU R ES
STACKED
ATOP
ONE
ANOTHER
IN A TRENCHCOAT.
TIM
KAINE IS JUST
A DAD FROM THE
NORTHEAST.
IT HAS ALSO
BEEN
REVEALED
THAT

students blamed

HARRY MCCHEST

PORT ALSO INDICATES

THAT
K E L LYA N N E
CONWAY IS AN
ANDROID WEARING A MASK OF
HUMAN
SKIN
AND THAT BERNIE
SANDERS
IS
IN
TRUTH A VARIETY OF ADOR-

male

FACT A LARGE
AND
AGING
T A N G E R I N E.
FU RTH ERMORE,
FOX NEWS HAS TRUMP
DID
REVEALED THAT NOT ATTEND u
DONALD
J. [sic] ga AND
TRUMP,
SU- IT IS UNCLEAR
PREME LEADER WHERE
THAT
OF THE UNITED RUMOR ORIGISTATES, IS NOT NATED
FROM.
HUMAN BUT IN THE SAME RE-

drains,

has suddenly died as a result of the folds on his radiant little face

BREAKING

Semen clogging Ugga

BALLOTS
ARE
NOT
COUNTED
BY A TINY ELEPHANT INSIDE
THE
BALLOT
BOX WITH AN
ABACUS. FURTHER
DEVELOPMENTS WILL
BE SHARED AS
THEY DEVELOP
FURTHER.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 5

// NOOSE

Photo by Bo Knergh Photographer of fluids

Photo by Jesus Christ Chief Photographer in Heaven

Onions
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Onion

One of the great things about

books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush

It is not okay that classes exist

An open letter to the oppressors

Attention all policy-makers and big

timers of the university of Georgia: there
is a big problem with this college, and it is
called class.
Its simply ridiculous that, after paying
nearly 0.0001 percent of our familys old
inheritance money to attend this school,
we are still expected to do work and learn
things. That money is supposed to allow
us to participate in the most partying and
drinking possible, not for any kind of convoluted academic purposes. And the worst
part is that there is no reason for the class.
We might be able to understand why uGA
is so insistent on us attending these boring
lectures if the reality was that we would
actually need the skills and knowledge
taught at some point down the road.
But, as was so truuuuuuuuuuuu in high
school and middle school before it, we will
never use any of this math nonsense. Why
cant we all be like the beer majors? Those
are seriously and widely sought-after skills

the r&b

GRAND POO-BAH: Leo Spaceman

that are relevant in almost every single

walk of life.
In any case, it goes without saying that
this piece is our submission to the uGA administration that we have had enough of
their brutal reign of terror involving cramming facts into our brain. Have you guys
not read the science? You can only use five
percent of your brain, and we think we
speak for every student at uGA when we
say that that small space is already filled
up with the most important of the information out there: drinks, drugs and sex.
Seriously, how can it be expected that we
forget any of that in order to store up some
of that stupid math or reading stuff??!?
We hope that this definitely and unquestionably open letter will be seen by
the right people, and that they will proceed
to make enough stink about this very real
issue. Classes at uGA have gone on way
way way way way too long, and they need
to stop now.

The Consensus Onion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Red&BLA,
but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

Friday,
November 18, 2016

Hey, whats
the time?
ABOUT 1:30 BM
69 PAST 4:20
6:66 PM
0.08 OCLOCK
12 FL OZ
TIMEY TURNER
TINY TIM-E

THE Red&BLAAAACK editorial board

Liz Lemon IMPORTANT PERSON
Pete Hornberger GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER
Angie Jordan BOB ROSS WANNABE
Leo Spaceman ONIONS EDITOR
Devon Banks NOOSE EDITOR
Jenna Maroney SATISFACTION EDITOR
Kenneth Parcell XXOO EDITOR
Colleen Donaghy VAMPIRE
Frank Rossitano LAFE EDITOR
Grizz MAGIC EDITOR
Hazel Wassername CANDID CAMERA
Avery Jessup CHIEF GRAMMAR NAZI
Hank Hooper HAPPY GUY

2 TRUUUUUUUUUU BY LEO SPACEMAN

SLEEP TIME
FOOD TIME
SEX TIME
37
Write to us:

google.com

It aint rokkit syence fokes. Just go

to the googles and tipe in the wurds red
and also black and then we shud bee 1
of the 1st spider webs you sea on the
google notebook. If u dont sea us, then
call ur tech support person or sumpin
like that. Idk. it wood prolly be ezer if
u just called us up at 420-420-6969,
which is akshully our number dont laff.
serously dont laff ppl laff at that way too
much. so anyways just call us up there
and well come down to where ur at and
help u git to our spiderweb. because it is
for really a dope spiderweb. wE Put all
of our good stories and tales there and
ppl sea it and they like it and then they
put it on there blue book of faces, and
then other ppl will see it and then they
will clik a liddul button in the shape of
a thumb and then the thumb will turn
blue and then our globe on our book

turns red with a liddul number and then

we all smile with bigness. so basikly you
gotta call us up if u want to help us
smile. smilin is gud because it use more
calories than frowning. or sumthin like
that. it was another story in the book of
faces where they said sompin like that
to entourage ppl to smile instead of doing the forwaning so much, butt i dont
have any real care about the calories
part. i just mainly like the fact that wen
u smile you can moor eazly look like
that gy from the hunger game when hes
winnin. i did really injoy that movee, i
mean it was just so akshun pked. ekzept
the part wear the girl ded. that one was a
sad. youshully i just skip that one when
im doin a watchthru. i youshully do a
big watchthru of all the episodes every
weekend or somethin like that. theres
like three oppisodes rite? they youshully
take all my saterday then i just drink
lots of beer sunday. my weekens are
pretty gud i think. oh wait i still gotta
tell you guys to go to the spiderweb o w-

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 7

// OPINIONS

YOUR VIEWS | wurds for the editer

The garbage selection is amazing

Dear fellow denizens of the

habitat which I believe you to
know as unifirsty dove jorja
or something like that. I am a
native raccoon living in various
dorm rooms. I write to you today because I was recently born
and am overcome with the plentiful garbage to sniff and/or eat
around this place.
Everywhere I look, I see another piece of delicious-looking
and delicious-smelling garbage
for my subhuman senses to examine. And let me tell, you it
just makes me so happy that I
was born in a place with humans
that have a parallel appreciation
of the stuff. The mother raccoon
has informed us that she once
lived in the suburbs of Atlanta
and that they have these contraptions called recycling bins
that eat up the precious garbage.
How horrifying! Good thing no
one does that here.
Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff

I just found this

wonderful bit of
trash!
A RACCOON

ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT

LIVES IN THE DORMS

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

Coherent
thoughts

ENEEBE RYAEDID

HIGH BAC

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff
sniff

sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff

sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff
sniff sniff hey oh sorry I got a
bit distracted there. I just found
this wonderful bit of trash! It
looks like it used to be someones homework. They gave up
on it, I think. The only words I
can make out are Homework
#1 wait no why would I do this
lolz. I tend to see that a lot
around August and January.
One other big deal about this
discovery of mine is the fact that
its paper. Paper is one of my fa-

vorite foods, especially when its

been seasoned with some extradelicious graphite, or, even better: ink! I would like to take this
time to reach out to everyone
who has ever placed these delicious treats out for me. I know
that is a ton of people, but you
guys and gals have seriously improved my life by like, a billionfold! Without my minute-ly
unfinished homework snacks,
my favorite food would be dirty
socks that have been tossed out
of windows by the humans in
the dorms! I also sometimes eat
them as I curl up to go to sleep
in the piles of dirty laundry on
the dorm room floors. Theyre
still a delicious snack, I just
wouldnt want to lose my beloved homework.
I can only hope that everyone
in this habitat will continue to
have and posses as much ability
to place their garbage in areas
that can be conveniently accessed by raccoons, like me. I
am just so extremely blessed to
have been born as a raccoon in
this place. Thank you everyone!
Never change!

How do magnets work?

BILLY BOB

EIGHTH-YEAR FOOD

Magic? Or maybe magyk.

learn weather you r 1 of the

wurst types of drunks
BIERG UTTS

TYPING FROM EXPERIENCE

Everyone loves to knock
back a couple dozen cold
ones on a Monday or Tuesday night. Here, the Red
and Black ranks from best
to worst the classic u(sic)ga
drunk stereotypes.

BESTEST THE BRO DRUNK

Bro. This guy (or bro) is
the bro-est bro to ever bro.
Hes not even in a bro-filled,
chock full of bros fraternity,
because he cant commit to
being just one bro-persons
bro. Bro, he is everyones bro.
He bro-gets a bit tipsy, and
this bro literally starts pulling
out his bro-certified and broauthenticated paperwork to
become legally brodopted by
your parents. I mean everyone knows a guy (or bro) like
this, right? A classic gradebro bro-drunk stereotype
right there, bro.
Second-Bestest
The Portable Phone
Charger drunk
Im sure youre all well
acquainted with this type of
drunk. This girl always brings
a full backpack of portable
phone chargers to the party.
She hands them out like candy! Perfect for that mid-party
panic when youre worried if
youll miss that midnight call
from your estranged cousin
and virtual lover, WilmaSue. Where she gets all these
phone chargers, no one really

knows, but no party is complete without at least one of

these girls showing up to electrify the room.

In the middle The Ditzy Drunk

We love this girl. Shes so

sweet and funny. But golly oh
golly, shes just such a ditz. I
mean she walks into walls,
doesnt realize who is around
her and acts all whimsical
and shit.

CHILI BOB

FIRST-DAY HUMAN

I dunno, Im not really

that into science fiction.

The second worst

the Beer snob

Theres nothing more frustrating than going to a party

and finding out that they
dont have cases of your favorite beer, flat Natty Daddies.
The taste of the uncarbonated beverage is heaven to your
ears, but when you show up
and all they have that local
micro-brewed crap? Totally
ruins the night. Miller light is
where we draw the line.

CHILI WILLYS BOB JOE

SECOND-SEASON NETFLIX WATCHER

Is this a trick question?

The absolute worst

The Sloth
This guy is so annoying. He always arrives so
incredible and extremely
and ridiculously and extraannoyingly late and always
shows up unable to walk. In
fact, he usually has to climb
a tree to get to the party. He
has awful looking nails that
are several inches long and
thick. He could use a shower
and a shave; its been so long
that his copious body hair has
started to grow green algae.
Yuck. Gross. Disgusting.

SAMAMAMAMAMANTHA
FINAL-YEAR UNDECIDED

There are little rainbow

men inside them that are
using the force on things.
Photos by Hazel Wassername Student Publications

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION

January 11
MLK LECTURE:
Setting the Agenda for
the Next Civil Rights
Movement
Featuring
Van Jones
3 p.m.
Student Center
Ballroom
CNN political contributor
Van Jones will honor
Dr. Martin Luther Kings
legacy while setting
the agenda for the next
civil rights movement
with students, faculty,
staff, and community
members.

January 11-31, 2017

Setting the
Agenda for
the Next
Civil Rights
Movement

RSVP:www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2017-mlklecture
January 12
CAMPUSWIDE
STUDENT
CELEBRATION:
Coming Together to
Fulfill the Dream
7 p.m.
Student Center
Ballroom
This celebration
will feature student
speeches, cultural
performances, and a
candle-lighting ceremony
for student organizations.
Reception to follow.
Contact:
lauren.bell@gatech.
eduorcbrockman8@
gatech.edu
January 12-15
FOCUS PROGRAM
Georgia Tech Hotel
and Conference Center
Focus is one of the
nations premier
programs for raising
awareness of
graduate education
among the brightest
underrepresented
students.
Contact:
gordon.moore@
gatech.edu
January 12-15
WASHINGTON, D.C.
CIVIL RIGHTS TOUR
Leaving Georgia Tech
at 11 p.m.
Various Locations
Seventy students and
30 faculty will have
the opportunity to tour
civil rights sites in
Washington, D.C.
Register:
www.
diversityprograms.
gatech.edu
Contact:
myagnye2@gatech.
eduormbanks34@
gatech.edu

EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
January 14
Arts@Tech presents
Alonzo King LINES
Ballet
8 p.m.
Ferst Center
for the Arts

January 16
NATIONAL MLK
HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE
MLK Day of Service
8 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Student Center
Ballroom

Georgia-born
choreographer Alonzo
King creates works that
draw on a diverse set of
deeply rooted cultural
traditions, imbuing
classical ballet with new
expressive potential.

In this campus-wide
initiative honoring the
life and legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.,
participants will serve
in teams and engage
in service projects with
metro Atlanta community
partners.

RSVP:
Ferst Center Box
Office, 404.894.9601
Purchase Tickets:
https://peotest.
ad.gatech.edu/PEO/
show.asp

RSVP:www.engage.
gatech.edu
Contact:
sarah.perkins@
gatech.edu
Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr. Annual
Commemorative
Service
10 a.m.
Ebenezer Baptist
Church
Sponsored by the King
Center, 20 spaces at this
annual church service
will be available to the
Georgia Tech community
through the MLK Day of
Service.
Visit:www.engage.
gatech.edu

January 16-31
DOC FEST: A Series
That Will MOVE You
Georgia Tech
Residence Halls
Five documentary films
will be shown within
the residence halls on
the Georgia Tech Cable
Network. Each film
will showcase an issue
plaguing todays society.
Contact:
sherry.murray@
housing.gatech.edu
January 18
SPECTRUM
8-10 p.m.
Georgia Tech Christian
Campus Fellowship
Spectrum is a space for
open dialogue on race
relations and to break
down the communication
barrier between
individuals of various
backgrounds.
Contact:
tmckie3@gatech.edu

January 19
MLK SUNDAY
SUPPER: A Community
Meal and Conversation
6-8 p.m.
Bill Moore Student
Success Center,
Presidents Suite
The Georgia Tech
community is invited to
come together over a
meal and discuss the
MLK Celebration events,
Dr. Kings legacy, and
the next civil rights
movement. There are
100 spaces available.
RSVP:www.engage.
gatech.edu
Contact:
sirocus.barnes@
ceismc.gatech.edu

January 25
WHATS GOING ON:
The Musical Production
7:30 p.m.
Ferst Center
for the Arts
Whats Going On depicts
college student life
focusing on social justice
issues that impact our
nation, especially the
black community.
Contact:
caterpillars.
promise@gmail.
comordaniemathis@
gmail.com
For more
information

Visit www.diversity.
gatech.edu/
MLK-celebration
Please let the designated
event sponsor know if
you need a reasonable
accommodation to
participate.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 9

// OPINIONS

Ten things that make

nahhhh
me go I cant even

OUR VIEWS | LIT OR NAHHHH

Lit

or

1). That feel when you get homework assigned:

a). We all know how this one goes: you get to class, youre feeling good, youre wearing your finest
camo and your hair is all greased up from last nights tractor tipping. Then, out of nowhere, your professor is
like, hey yall do this by next week. What even??? We have other things to do, like tractor tipping! Let me
live! How much time do you think we have? I cant write a page on anything, much less do a couple of addition problems. J u s t t h e w o r s t. Ugh, I cant.
2). When your professors ask you to come to class
bee). Why cant they understand that I have more important things to do? Im an adult, I paid for
the best education money can buy -- let me fail my classes, dammit! Ugh!
3). When you have to walk across campus but have to choose between your pumpkin spice latte and
bookbag
sea). Guess Im choosing the starbs!
4). When you try to date a football player and it turns out hes just a very large toad!
d). Its just so sad to me that someone would deceive you like that. You cant talk to anyone these
days without it turning out that theyre a gigantic amphibian who can jump really high but cant afford to
buy you Chick-Fil-A because their main currency is fruit flies. The first time this happened to me, I couldnt
even. The second time it happened, I couldnt even couldnt, and then it turned out it was the same damn
toad! Uuuuugh.
5). When you meet an athlete at a party:
eh). The music is popping, your makeup is shimmery and gorgeous, your hair is greased up from
last nights tractor tipping. Everything seems to be going great, and then it turns out you we just talking to a
cardboard cutout the whole time! Why did he talk so nice to you, and why was his smile so charming? What
was he doing at this party anyway? Why are there cardboard cutouts of athletes at frat houses? Just the worst,
I cant even.
6}. When youre out of ramen :(
f this). Im just so sad about this, its devastating. How do you deal when you go home expecting you
have ramen, and then you open the cupboard doors (*Time by Hans Zimmer plays in the distance*) and it
turns out that you dont have ramen. Why not? Where did it go? Food is tricky because its gone once you use
it, and its just the worst.
7). When Instagram wont load because you live in the woods:
real g). #JustAthensThings. How many of us have had this problem? Youre trying to load Instagram
not even to post a picture, just to go through your feed and see what all of those bitches/your friends are up
to, and you cant get on the app because Athens is a forested wasteland! Theres no connection to the internet
except a hard line in the library that only works from 9 to 5. So ugh-worthy, I cant even.
8). When this damn PC culture oppresses your views
hache). I hate it when I say something and people are offended. Just stop. Please. I have the right to
say anything I want!
9). When you try to share your political opinions with some people and it turns out they were all toads!
eye). Whoops, this is the worst. Always seems to happen in Athens. You go out, you talk to some
people, the convo is going well and it seems like you mightve made some new friends, and then out of nowhere it turns out that they were bumpy and lumpy frog analogues without the cuteness or slime! Its just the
worst and I dont know why. Toads arent even that bad, theyre just deceptive and theyre everywhere.
10). When your soul is so, so tired:
jay). This is the worst. You exist, youve existed for a while, and its just so, like, draining. Your body
is physically exhausted, your mind is exhausted from all that homework youve been doing, your hair is
all greased up from the tractor tipping you went to several nights ago and you just want to sleep. Just r e s
t. You know? Stop moving, stop thinking, just go into some sort of dormant state.

COLLEGE NIGHTS
.............................
every rst and third tuesday
6:00 PM - 9:00 PM
August23
September 6
September 20
October 4
October 18
November 1
November 15
November 29

Chick-fil-A West Midtown invites you to join us for College Night!

Bring your Student ID for awesome treats, live music, and more!

Early Bird
10% Off
Monday-Thursday
9a-1p

10% Off
for all
Georgia Tech
Students

10% Off
SNS
By Signature Nails
Systems

10% Off
For All
Plaza Midtown
Residents

Lafe

LIFE EDITOR:

Frank Rossitano
ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR:

Toofer

lafe@thwuga.net

Tips on How to Cook your Possum

Learn the techniques to getting your possum nice and juicy

because you're worth it. May Belleen469

the r&b

10

Friday,
November 18, 2016

Uber gives new purpose to tractors

UBE UHR

BRUH, YOU LYFT?

Photo courtesy of Road Rage

Even a tractor combination vehicle is not immune to the one hour a week that Athens experiences
Atlanta-like traffic jams. Uber has introduced a new class of vehicles for the Athens area.

Uber is a sharing app that provides users with a cheap alternative to taxis. Up until now, Uber
catered toward the city folk by encouraging drivers to drive around
those ugly cars they call luxury
vehicles. But we Athens folks
knew, that we deserved better
which is why in the next month
Uber is now introducing UberT
(the T standing for T-ractor, duh).
While we do love our camouflage, why would we ever want
our vehicles to blend in with the
night sky like UberBLACK offers?
Nah, Athenians are proud of our
flamboyantly colored tractors
green, yellow, red.
Not only will UberT help bring
some color back to the streets but
tractors are also great for the environment, if it mattered. Global
warming is a hoax, as everyone
knows, but now the liberals will
be satisfied. As everyone knows
thee things are gas gzzlers, so
theyll really help with the whole
farting problem. Instead of farting in open spaces people can help
contribute to the UberT fund by
farting in tractors so that the tractors can have gas to guzzle. So that
should help with the stink of Athens. At least a little.

Not to mention, the speed on

these things are great. It will give
someone a lot of time to think
about whether going on that date
with their cousin is a good idea.
And when you finally show up at
your cousins house for the date
which you determined is indeed
a brilliant idea, they will be impressed by the big, colorful tractor
that you showed up in. Nothing
says romance better than picking
up your cousin/date in a tractor.
Introducing tractors into the
Uber brad is an overall wise decision for the company. We want to
help make America great again,
said Uber spokes person Don T.
Rump, and we can do that by tailoring our product to rural areas
and giving them what they want.
Additionally, tractors are an
American symbol and it will be
great to see the country being represented on the highways instead
of by all those German and cars.
UberT is said to cause a disruption in the ride sharing community. A disruption in a good way.
Not in the kind of way when a
clown decides t hide in the stairwell of a dormitory and scare the
living daylights out of students
who are walking back from class
(haha, who goes to class).
Be on the lookout for UberT
its going to be the latest and
greatest bombdiggity.

RHO OMICRON OMICRON RHO

CAUGHT IN DIRTY SCANDAL
ASHIT ANNAPOO
DUMP-STAR

It was a sad sad day at u[sic]

ga when fraternity brothers from
Rho Omricon Omcricon Rho
came to a shocking realization.
After trespassing to steal
gummy worms for their pet bird,
Tiffany, from the dirt of resident
of Athens, Mr. McFurble, and
accidentally crashing into a sliding glass door that was actually
closed, the group of brothers fled
the crime scene, but not without
leaving traces of blood (without
the gummy worms). Police tested
the blood samples and identifying
the culprits, rushed to the fraternity house to arrest the students.
The students protested, arguing
that it couldnt be them, because
they were brothers, and the blood
samples showed that they were
not related. After a brief moment
of bafflement, the police officers
realized that the brothers really
didnt know that they werent biologically affiliated with each other.
The officers then proceeded to
tell the Rho Omricon Omricon
Rho members that just because
they were brothers in a fraternity,
doesnt mean that they are biological brothers, to which the culprits
came to the stunning realization
that they were the trespassers and
proceeded to submit himself to

the authorities. I had no clue,

exclaimed Stan Kee Brown, a forensics major at u[sic]ga. But its
not just that. I had no clue that
my brothers were not my actual
brothers.
The brothers seemed to be
more affected by the fact that
they were not biological brothers
than the fact that they would be
spending six years in prison. Im
just bumbfounded, sobbed Seymore Bhattz. I thought our super
secret pinky promise cross your
heart hope to die stick a needle
in your eye fuzzy unicorns pregnancy pact blood oath made us
officially brothers.
Some of the u[sic]ga fraternity
brothers are still having trouble
internalizing the fact that they are
not biological brothers. You cant
just take back our brother-ness by
writing it in the newspaper you
know, said [ldskfjalkdjf]. Weve
shared things. Very personal, intimate things. Like brothers. You
wouldnt understand.
It is unclear how the brothers
of Rho Omicron Omicron Rho
came to believe they were actually related. The sad sad sad sad
day ended on a happy note. The
brothers chose to remain blissfully
ignorant.No matter what the
law says, youre still my brother!
Brown cried out. They would not
be sharing cells or getting special
visitation for family members.

Photo by No, Man, Theyll Find Me if I Put My Name

Crime scene tape covered the property of Mr. McFurble following the recent incident
involving several students from the Rho Omicron Omicron Rho (POOP) fraternity.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 11

// LAFE

S t r a n g e r What accint
Things is a we got here??
TV Show guys
not a source
DAN C.

T KWEEN

JUAN A. SMOKE

CHAINSMOKER (IN THE BAND)

Students watched Netflixs Stranger Things after asking their father-uncles and mother-aunts for
their Netflix passwords.
This period nonfiction
presented scientific findings that researchers at
u[sic]ga have since copied
and published in the Journal
of Undergraduate Georgia
Studies (JUGS).
The shows main character, Eleven, is apparently a
number that exists beyond
10, a startling finding. The
leading theories are that
numbers past 10 turn into
humans or all humans on
Earth are in fact numbers.
The Demogorgon creature has been determined
to share traits and features with students at u[sic]
ga. Most u[sic]ga students
come from a common ancestor and have not bred outside the family, so the monster may be either a current
student or the father of all

students.
Talking to Christmas
lights is a documented phenomenon, but the lights
talking back has never been
seen before. Another first
for JUGS, the lights seem
to display as much intelligence as a professor. Experiments will be run this
coming December in which
various holiday decorations
will be asked yes or no questions.
Thanks to these contributions to the general body
of academia, UGA has received a grant to upgrade
its research facilities. The
administration will allegedly
install a cabin, tree, pool,
and wall to summon the monster, as a rip in the fabric of
reality proved too costly. A
saltwater tank will likely be
brought onto campus to unlock students hidden potentials, as it helped Eleven in
the show.
The second season of
Stranger Things will surely bring additional discoveries to the forefront of science.

A few months ago, u[sic]

ga professors and graduate students began a large
effort to try to determine
why people think we sound
Southern here at u[sic]ga.
For yers now, Ive seen
jus bucketsful of fellas
coming in an tellin me, you
know, you sound like you
from down yonder South,
professor Thom Sawser
said.
But I dont think I got no
accint, Sawser admitted.
Essentially were tryna
debunk this myth that we at
u[sic]ga are less educated

then the resta Jawja and

the U.S., Sawser explains.
But to do that we gotta do
a lotta of statistical matamagicks and mumbo-jazz
which is actually confusing
us a lot right now.
Sawser advises anyone
who wants to get involved
in the research to take remedial statistics classes, as
their methods require large
amounts of surveys of the
student population, possibly
more than 10.
Thing is, we dont really
know what we want yet, what
datadbe the most pertinant,
so anyone with the smallest
amount of knilledged really be of great help fer us,
Sawser said.

Photo by The Mad Hatter

Straw
staple

hats, like the

of
Vietnamese

one pictured
women
and

above, are a
uGa
students.

How to Not Get

Pregnant
BEBE MAKER

FULL-TIME MOM
In this day and age we need to
take precautionary measures, involving preventing the procreation
of individuals who should not be
procreating. For the betterment
of our society as a whole, it is up
to you, u[sic]ga students, to take
the reins and lead our world in a
u[sic]ga baby-less world. Now this
doesnt mean that you shouldnt
enjoy the pleasures of the bodys
natural feelings, but educate yourselves on how to not get pregnant.
No wait scratch that. The reason
why you should read this is because getting pregnant will make
you die. So if you dont want to
die, take the following precautionary measures. Thank you for
your cooperation.

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

Showcase, Present, and Inspire

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT

gttower.org

See SEX, page 14

To H

wit

geor

This space is provided as a public se

HELL

ith

rgia!

a public service by the Technique.

14 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Grass lecture cut short

due to low attendance

// LAFE

SEX

FROM PAGE 10

You dont want to die right?

Because if you have sex, you will
get pregnant and die.
Read on.
DON T SLEEP WITH
YOUR

COUSIN

This should go without saying,

but if you have sex, you will get
pregnant and die. Especially if its
with your cousin. Itll make you
die even more.
DON T POKE HOLES IN
YOUR CONDOMS

Ever use one of those confectioners sugar sifters? Its like that.
If you put the sugar in, itll come
out the other side. Dont do that.
Dont put the sugar in the sifter.

STRENGTHEN YOUR PULLOUT GAME

Photo by someone who needed to take a photo of someone wearing camo

This photo has nothing visible in it. Despite efforts by student

for Camo Day, it appears that no one participated in the event

MOLLY JANE

ASPIRING WEED DEALER

A UGA professor was extremely perturbed when no students
showed up to his The Growing of
Grass lecture last Thursday, which
is consistently a yearly favorite,
despite the high intellectual demand on his students.
Thursday, which was coincidentally Camo Day on campus,
was a normal class day as far as
the confused professor was concerned.
I sent out an email and was
like Get yer ass to class, yall! because, ya know, sometimes they
forget Wednesday night aint Fri-

day and they hit the bars a little

early Hell, I done it myself a few
times! I figured they just needed
a kick in the pants, the professor
said, tugging on the strap of his
John Deer overalls as he scratched
his head cluelessly.
Perhaps the most bizarre aspect
was that the professor swears he
heard his students voices during
class, despite the fact that he was
unable to see anyone in the room.
I was all by my lonesome in
there just me and my PBR
thermos, watchin the chickens
peckin outside the window, but
I kept hearing my students yammerin away! I looked at my beer,
but it was only my 12th since that
morning, so it couldnt a been

organizations to get a large turnout

this year, much like previous years.

that maybe I was just gettin

some feels because my dog and
my wife and my truck left me the
night before, the professor mentioned as he began to strum his
guitar.
Students, however, tell a different story. They claim they were on
time to class after gunning their
diesel engines through the nightmare of traffic caused by the three
other citizens of Athens.
Joe-Bob told about his experience, saying, I was runnin a
little late cause I had to drop my
girlfriend off with our mom, and
then my tractor broke down, but
I slid into my seat in time. I was
the only person in the class, and
the professor just kept nursin his

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beer it was real weird, yall

The other students all had
similar anecdotes, with the common thread being that they were
the only ones besides the professor
who showed up for class, and the
professor never noticed them.
The professor (who remains
unnamed due to the mention of
his recent divorce with his dog
and his wife), claims that this
happens every year on Camo Day.
He continued with the lecture despite the absence of his students
- because he believes in traditions.
Traditions like beer, and secession, and keepin up with my
lectures, he says sentimentally, as
a lone tear drips into his beer can
at the mention of secession.

You can even make lightsaber

noises to aid your pull-out speed.
Vrrrruummmpp!

THINK OF YOUR MOTHER

Every time you have these terrible urges, get your mind out of
the gutter by thinking of something else. Like your mother.

THINK OF YOUR MOTHER

What did I tell you. Stop
thinking about sex. What would
your mother say?

DO THE SEX WITH YOURSELF.

If no semen enters your partner, they cant get pregnant.

the r&b

Satisfaction

SATISFACTION EDITOR:

Jenna Maroney

icantgetno@thwuga.net

15

Friday,
November 18, 2016

zombies are not zombies after all

DICK DECAYED

RESEARCHER OF DECAYING DICKS

Several years of research by
uGA history faculty have culminated with the determination that
the hit AMC show The Walking
Dead is not a documentary, but
in fact a work of fiction.
This is definitely a result nobody could have expected, said
Carlos Danger, Dean of uGAs
school of historical studies.
We certainly went into this
project just hoping to confirm the
age of the footage, maybe get a
firmer timeline than wed had in
the past. Once our dating process
started, it became clear pretty
quickly that we were mislead
about the nature of the footage.
Though the seventh season
of the hit drama began in Oct.
2016, Danger and his faculty approached the project assuming
that the shows episodes were actually a phased release of an extensive documentary.
While none of the researchers
could articulate when precisely
they thought the events of The
Walking Dead might have occurred, there was consensus that
the events were taking place in
Georgia sometime in the past.
The episodes are filmed on
actual, physical film, which was
part of our issue I think, Danger
said. Though the characters are
wearing modern clothes and occasionally drive modern vehicles,
the quality of the film led us to believe that it was from at least the
early 2000s.
As was eventually concluded
by the uGA team, The Walking Dead actually began airing
in 2010 and is based on a comic

Photo courtesy of AMC

Real human sits next to a real human dressed as a zombie. We know. Its shocking, but we have
found that they are not, in fact, real zombies in GA. Boycott of The Walking Dead to be held on Fri.

series of the same name which began in 2003.

All persons depicted in the
show, including troubled leader
Rick Grimes, are fictional and
portrayed by actors. The titular
Walkers are the product of complicated special effects work, and
are not actually people risen from
the dead.
Georgia is a real state, however,
and the show does make referenc-

es to true aspects of living there.

You can tell by their accents,
as well as by some references to Atlanta, that it takes place in Georgia to some extent, added fellow
researcher Marty Baum. After a
few installments we discovered a
small component of the end credits that says filmed on location
in Georgia and has a little peach
icon. We took that as a confirmation of our initial hypothesis, but

still couldnt work out when this

could have happened.
When asked what the researches made of the rest of the end
credits, which list actors and those
involved with the shows production and fictional storyline, Baum
abruptly requested that the interview not continue.
I mean, Im definitely relieved
that it turned out to be fake,
Danger said. I couldnt remem-

ber something like that ever happening before, and Im 65.

What if wed all missed something big? What if, while the government was telling us the economy was crashing in 2008, the
South was actually being overrun
by the undead? Just imagine the
implications of that for a moment;
its huge, itd be unprecedented.
Danger and his research team
were aided by a student group
comprised of thirteen film studies
majors, as well as a single political
science major looking for research
experience and a human corpse.
We actually traced my heritage back and Im descended from
Rick and Lori Grimes, said an
anonymous film studies student.
I had a really hard time digesting
this as a result, but I know that
somewhere Papa
Rick and Nana
Lori are proud that
weve finally discovered the truth.
I only hope
we can use this
knowledge to prevent what happened to them
from ever happening again.
Im relieved, to tell you the
truth, said another student. It
was really troubling to me that
something like this could have
happened in Georgia not so long
ago, and it was making me really
nervous.
Now that I know its fake Im
not really sure what the point is,
but I also know that Im going to
heaven still because I didnt actually watch people die on camera.
Mmphrgh, said the human
corpse. Ggmmgrphrng, gmprphgh. Nrrrghnmp.

U[sic]GA actually pussies

PUSS

Y.

LICKER OF
THINGS

Photo by courtesy tiffany terry

My life is hard. I cant believe I have to get up for a noon class. I

thought drinking every day would be enough for my MRS degree.

One
mother
fucking
shit
storm after an
other happened
on
this
damn
day. That cunt
cut me off on
the way to class
with his shitty
tractor.
Jesus
fucking Christ,
why is this ass
hole
professor
asking us to do
actual
god
damn homework?
I am going to
go
home
and
get shit faced
because
its
a
fucking
Tues
day.
That
bastard
insulted
my
camo
jumpsuit
today.
But
I
am
so
fucking
proud
of
my
redneck
heri
tage: just ask

my
girlfriend
or
my
cousin
(they are the
same bitch). I
tried to watch a
damn movie last
night but could
not
understand
the
fuck
ing words. The
bloody
British
talk
so
shit
tily, why cant
they
just
say
yall and aint?
Last night af
ter I went out
for
road
kill
barbecue
and
holy
shit
it was so deli
cious. Later I
fell
asleep
in
the
back
seat
of
my
beau
tiful
goddamn
truck and had
a dream that I
fucked Miran
da Lambert.
Every
fuck
ing day should
be Saturday so
I can watch the
goddamn
daw

gs play. Those
asses in Atlanta
should give me
the HOPE schol
arship just for
living in Athens,
the best fuck
ing city on the
damn earth. I
will never make
it out of this
place,
and
I
could
not
be
happier than a
damn damsel in
distress.
Most
mornings
I wake up hun
gover and the
cunt
downstairs
actually
goes
to class and it
wakes
me
up.
He and all the
other
moth
erfuckers
who
arent like me
should
go
to
hell. I love my
fucking
shot
gun
and
sec
ond
amendment
rights,
hell
yeah. Does the
first amendment

16 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// SATISFACTION

Boom
bang pop
crash
GENERAL COX

CHIEF BLOWER (UP OF THINGS)

With another great installment
in the fan favorite first person
shooter genre, Activisions Battlefield does a wonderful job reinventing itself. Once again, I got to
take control of an average build,
middle-aged soldier, try my best
to take creatively named control
points A and B, and do my best to
figure out how to fly a plane. Who
the hell uses stupid upside-down
controls? When I push up, trees
get bigger, and when I push down
the trees get smaller.
The military surely doesnt utilize such a bizarre control scheme
in real life. Running through
beautifully rendered trenches,
woods, and beaches, and desperately trying to find the damn
shotgun user who keeps killing
me when I round a corner. Sadly,
there is always a squad of people
who are killing me with the damn
overpowered shotguns, but I have
faith that Bethesda will patch this
in the next update. Hopefully they
just remove shotguns, because no
one likes them, and they clearly
didnt exist in the time frame.
Sadly, it seems that From
Software decided to remove one
of their most accredited options
from Battlefield. Nazi Zombies, a
staple in the game series, is sadly

Drugs destroy and ruin millions of

lives every year.
What should YOU know about them?
Drugfreeworld.org

lacking as a whole. Known for

inspiring all other types of horde
battles, this game mode saw gamers fighting off round of robots
in order to defend the earth from
Ultron.
Once again, other media pulls
from Battlefield blatantly, but
who can blame them. The campaign is another wonderfully
crafted form of fiction, telling the
story of a soldier fighting through
a nightmarish wasteland called
Europe. Interestingly, Valve offers
micro-transactions that allow for
the gamers to gain access to the
Allies Power Pack. While not
traditionally liking micro-transactions, the notion of gaining access to such great countries is a
wonderful idea.
Nintendos Battlefield 1 does a
fairly good job at competing with
Blizzards Call of Duty. While
COD typically draws in good
numbers, it seems people are finally realizing that the game does
NOT in fact have anything to
do with fishing for cods. With a
growing number of disinterested
gamers, Battlefield swooped in
and claimed many of them for
their own game. While not quite
a perfect game, Battlefield does a
great job creating a fictional war
for gamers to become invested in,
and feel a connection to. Now,
if only EA could produce a good
first person shooter...

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 17

// SATISFACTION

Trolls
are
Real
MADAME GLITTER-SPARKLES
QUEEN OF GLITZ & GLAM

Design by GOD

u[sic]ga scientists just discovered that

the childhood toys called Trolls are actually real. They discovered this after seeing
the excellently executed documentary aptly
named, Trolls. The bergens, which were also
formerly unknown, used to eat the trolls in order to gain happiness. u[sic]ga students would like
to help the trolls by raising money to update Bergen
Town, so they can be happier and never rely on Trolls
again. Any donations would be appreciated. They have
also put together a group of adventurers to go questing
to find the true location of the Troll Tree. The location in
relation to Athens, GA was sadly left out of the documentary, so this group will do just that. Some students were also
very confused as to why the two main trolls in the documentary sounded exactly like Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake. This was never explained, but people think it is just
a coincidence. These trolls are very talented and secretly the
squad will record their songs and make millions of dollars
from them.

18 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// COMICS

Sudoku Level: Impossible

A-MAZE-ING

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 19

// COMICS

1
3

2
1
3
1
2
2
1

3
1
3

1
2

1
2

3
1
2

2
1

2
3

COLOR BY
NUMBER*
1 - Black
2 - Black
3 - Black
*Disclaimer wanted to include more numbers, but
students can only count to three

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 18, 2016 21

// XXOO

Hedging their bets: Flora finally rule Sanford

EMERIL AYALS

FOLLOW ME BACK ON INSTA

After a dismal football performance this season, the administrators at u[sic]ga have made a
monumental decision: to let the
famous hedges reclaim Sanford
Stadium.
We have no use for the stadium anymore, said head Dwags
coach, Kirby Smart. We arent
winning, and we might as well
stop misusing valuable planting
land. Think of all the corn we can
grow in its place.
Former Dwag coach Vince
Dooley is absolutely delighted.
Known for his green thumb and
taking u[sic]Gas gardening classes, Dooley said, Finally! We can
represent the school for what we
really pride our agriculture.
Think of all the plants that we can
put on the field instead of turf.
Plus, the hedges in place
arent even the original ones anyways, Dooley scoffed. We threw

u(sic)ga
THARS HEBLOWS

YES I KNOW MY NAME IS A REFERENCE

In a stunning revelation earlier

this week, members of the UGA
Swim/Dive team accidentally
discovered that human beings
can float in water a finding
with tremendous implications for
the future of the esteemed team.
Siobhan Connolly, UGA alum
credited with the founding of the
UGA Swim/Dive team, The Glendale Bulbs, explained the motive
behind the creation of the team.
As students facing the job
world with a degree from UGA,
we quickly realized one of our best

out the original ones during the

Olympics because they were suffering from worm infestations,
like most of our students are.
Letting the beloved hedges
spread outside of their current
bounds would not be terribly difficult. The Hedges II are Privet
Ligustrums, and much like their
student counterparts, are already
considered a weed by all those
outside of Dwag country.
When longtime caretaker Wull
Sheep heard the news, he promptly burst into tears of joy. No more
maintenance for an uncontainable
plant, he cried. My teeth can finally have a break.
This comes at a perfect time for
Mr. Sheep as he is due to wed another longtime u[sic]Ga student in
the near future.
The hedges will be freed on
Nov. 26. It is expected that they
will roam free, spreading their
remarkable genes to lawns and
manure piles across the Clarke
County area - and one day, perhaps beyond.

swim

options for making money would

be to win the CBS game show
Survivor, which involves plenty
of challenges in the water. A group
of us got together to begin training for swimming challenges, and
the Glendale Bulbs were born.
Since its formation in 2008,
the Glendale Bulbs have set the
record for the highest number of
disqualifications for any team on
the competitive swimming and
diving circuit, with 95% of registered competitors disqualifying
themselves by refusing to leave the
diving board. Chapman Lacy, 3rd
year Econ student, single-handedly comprises the 5% of successfully completed swim meets, and is

Photo courtesy of Transcendalists everywhere

An artists rendition of what Sanford Stadium will look like within approximately 5 to 10 years.
While u(sic)ga may no longer have a playing field, it could have a source of sustainable produce.

team

learns

also responsible for the accidental

discovery by his teammates of the
human ability to float.
Ive spent the last 3 years trying to convince my teammates
that they wont instantly drown if
they get into the water, Lacy says.
Its been horribly frustrating.
Imagine going to swim practice in
a gym, nowhere near a pool, and
watching your team imitate different swim strokes on a basketball court. I finally lost it, and told
the team that Parvati Shallow,
UGA alum and winner of Survivor: Micronesia, would be at the
pool. Shes like their idol, so they
agreed to meet near the water.
Patrick Smith, fourth-year

OJRVFOFU

POBMMPGZPVS
EFWJDFT

to

Political Science major, describes

his excitement at the prospect of
meeting Shallow. I mean, were
all on the swim team to try and
win the million dollar prize on
Survivor, and Parvati has already
achieved our dream. I changed
my outfit like seven times.
When I found out Chapman
lied about Parvati being there,
I cried, says Sarika Murkha,
third-year Philosophy major. I
wasnt mad, just really really really
pissed. So when Crystal Jefferies
ran at Chapman, I didnt even
think. I followed him, and next
thing I know, I am in the pool.
It was really scary, that moment I realized Id lost my bal-

swim

ance and would be in the very

water Ive been preparing to face
for years.
Horrified, the rest of the team
watched prepared themselves for
the worst. Those seconds I was
sinking in water deeper than Id
ever been in before will haunt
me forever, Murkha says. But
then, suddenly, I found myself at
the surface. Imagine my shock!
Here I am, unable to touch the
bottom of the pool, but Im not
drowning instantly like I thought
I would. When I looked around
and saw that Chapman and Jefferies were also floating, thats when I
knew wed discovered something
special.

22 November 18, 2016 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// XXOO

Jacob Eason loses hair in UGA

lands
freak conditioning accident! Stalker, first ever
six-star
recruit
ROMAN GAINES
TOUPEE ANALYST

Tragedy has struck in Athens.

Star freshman quarterback Jacob Eason has lost all of his hair
in freak conditioning accident.
Eason is known for his hair and
News spread quickly this Thursday as Eason was spotted in class
sporting his Make America
Great Again hat trying to cover
his new bald head. Rumors of Eason getting kidnapped by Florida
fans and shaved off were quickly
debunked. Georgia fans have been
wondering all week why and how
this occurred and 20 Georgia
teens have announced they have
quit twitter after hearing the Eason news.
The Red and Wack was able to
sit down with Eason and confirm
the freak conditioning accident.
After a night out at Atlantas
famous bar, Bulldogs, I came
back to Athens and showered before bed, Eason said. I woke up
the next morning and was *******
bald. Never in my life have I been
so disappointed.
Eason who is a strong advocate
of womens conditioner accidentally purchased Nair hair removal
cream instead of his usual brand.
It was a costly mistake as Eason notoriously long curls will no
longer be seen. Some have con-

BEL MYPER, JR.

COLLEGE MOCK DRAFTER

Photo courtesy of Roman Gaine

An unedited photo of Dwags signal-caller Jacob Eason

as he walks into a stadium before a football game.

templated about how this will affect Easons play, but senior Sanjay
Siri-Dan is expecting the exact
opposite to occur.
Eason is undoubtedly the
greatest freshman quarterback of
all time. Him going bald is a sign.
A sign that he will join other great
bald athletes like Michael Jordan
and become the very best football
player of all time, Siri-Dan said.

Next year when Eason wins

the Heisman and the Dawgs are
in the playoffs, this will be the
moment fans will look back on as
the turning point. Woof! Woof!
Go Dawgs!
What a day it will be for Dwags
fans and Americans in general.
For we all know the red in red,
white and blue, stands for nothing more than u(sic)gas glory.

This story brought to you by iminlove.com because we all need

to pretend were looking for love
somewhere outside of our family
members bedrooms. iminlove.com:
the perfect cover for your incestuous
thoughts, since they dont seem to be
welcome outside of Clarke County.
For the first time ever, u[sic]ga
has signed a 6-star recruit. Yes, a
SIX-STAR RECRUIT!!! After
beating out Bama and USC, the
Dwags signed 6-star running
back Hershey Stalker. Hershey
hails from the great state of Mississippi and chose the Dawgs for
their family atmosphere, party
life, and the white women.
After six straight struggling
top 10 recruiting classes, the
Dawgs are finally in position to
finish with a top 3 recruiting class.
This years team was talent deprived and lacking the star power
it needed. Former coach Richt left
the cupboard completely bare.
Coach Kirby Smart has quickly
addressed Richts failures as a recruiter and this Dawgs program
will finally have the talent it needs
to compete at a national level.
Stalker was given the elite status of 6 stars after his commit-

ment to UGA.
Stalker, was always heralded
as one of the top 5-star players
in country, but after reviewing
70 more hours of game film he
proved he was 6-star worthy, said
365sports.com recruiting director
Johnny Gruden.
Stalker will be able to step in
finally provide some production
at the running back position. This
years team is only averaging 4.3
yards per carry, which is down
from last years 5.1 and 2014s
6.0. Given Stalker 6-star status
he should be able to get that up to
about 6.9 yards per carry.
Georgia fans are ecstatic for
the future with Peppers toting the
rock next season.
SIX STARS. We beat out
Bama for a recruit. The greatest recruit in history is gonna be
a dawg. Glory days will be back
again. Dawgs will be riding on
top next season.
Despite this success, Alabama
fan Phyllis of Mulga, Ala., best
known for her appearances on
Paul Finebaums ESPN show, was
less than impressed.
Sure, the Dwags may have
gotten a six-star recruit, but
DONT YOU DARE CLAIM
THE BAMA DYNASTY IS
DEAD. NICK SABAN IS JESUS
CHRIST INCARNATE.

XXOO

XXOO EDITOR:

Kenneth Parcell
ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR:

Other NBC Pages

xxoo@thwuga.net

If you can read this

the r&b

Please let me out. I'm damn serious.

They keep on making me write for this
god-forsaken AH PLS STOP423

24

Friday,
November 18, 2016

Smart decision: Burger joint opens in Athens

THE HAMBURGLAR
HEAD FRY COOK

Editors note: The use of smart

in the above headline is a reference
to the last name of u(sic)ga Head
Coach Kirbylicious Kirby Smart.
We are in no way implying that
anyone involved with this business
dealing is actually intelligent; doing
so would violate our contract with
Krystal, which is kind enough to
provide liquid grease to all of our
staff meetings. Krystal: What culinary nightmares are made of!
We also definitely apologize for
making people sad by using puns.
This past Monday, at his weekly press conference, coach Kirby
Smart announced the grand
opening of his new Checkers
Franchise.
Im very excited to announce
this new business venture, Smart
said, it gives me a sense of job security I havent really felt all year.
When asked when and how this
decision came about, Smart responded, This has been a dream
of mine my entire life, and Ive
been going through a little bit of a
midlife crisis so I figured now was
the best time to figure it all out.
After the press conference
many a bulldwag fan shared their
thoughts on the matter on social media. One user on twitter
with the handle CuzinLuver69
said, I cant wait to visit Kirbys
Checkers, I bet the burgers are

just as good as our football team!

Others were no so excited by the
news: Bud Weiser wrote the following on Kirby Smarts facebook
page,
Mayb if u wernt so focussed
on opening ur stoopid burger
place we could of beaten those
doggamn commodurs on homecoming!
Needless to say, the news isnt
necessarily surprising. Smart has
mentioned at every possible time
that his favorite saying is Dress
for the job you want, not the one
you have. In addition, many players have recounted walking into
Smarts office unannounced only
to find him walking through possible customer service situations.
Junior running back Nick
Chubb remembers the first time
he saw Smart doing this, I walked
in and I dun see coach sittin there
talkin to the air bout Im sorry
sir but the buy one burger, get one
free is only on Sexy Sister Saturday and only if you bring your
sister in with you.
Other players recount the pregame speech Smart gave for the
Florida game. Many defensive
linemen mentioned that Smart
told them that they, have to stay
on the grills all game, we cant let
them burn us, and, weve gotta
go through orders fast otherwise
theyll stack the lines against us.
According to Burger Joints of
America (BJA), Smarts franchise
starts ranked No. 13 in the country, a spot it will no doubt hold

Image of Kirby Smart courtesy of UGA Athletics Facebook page

Kirby Smart stands outside of his Checkers franchise. The location, like the football team he runs,
opens with high expectations as it competes against prestigious Clarke County fast food outlets.

save for a few tough weeks. Incidentally, u(sic)ga rival and FCS
powerhouse Nicholls State has

also opened a location.

Overall, the ramifications of
this decision remain to be seen,

but one thing is certain. Nothing

goes together quite like mediocre
football and mediocre burgers.

Genetics lab faces first test: clone Saban

DOLLY TASHIEP

UNPAID INTERN (ILLEGAL? NAH)

Dissatisfied with the lukewarm performance of first-year
head coach and burger aficionado
Kirby Smart, researchers at u(sic)
GA have earned a unique mission:
replicate Alabama head man and
five-time national champion Nick
Saban.
We thought we basically had a
mini Saban in Kirby, said Bucky
Smith, a fan whose family has a
100-year tradition of supporting
the Dawgs and whose son will be
a first-generation college student.
Hell, all the newspapers were
saying he had Sabans DNA.
I mean, I didnt want to really
think about how that happened.
But I assumed that Kirby would
start taking us to national championships right away! Now I have
to burn my Kirby effigy, like, two
years earlier than I had planned.
The process seems to be unclear. It is reportedly complicated by the fact that the U[sic]
GA faculty has no members with
advanced science degrees, preferring instead to focus on rewarding
studies such as Turf Management
and Unemployment Line Paperwork Filing.
The schools president has
an easy explanation. Look, Im
gonna be honest with you. Theres
no point in us hiring professors
to teach subjects no one wants to

Photo courtesy of Phyllis from Mulga, Alabama

Nick Saban is God. Is it possible to clone God? Maybe. Anyway, it seems that u(sic)ga
researchers are going to attempt to find out, one way or the other. Fantasy image above.

learn about. Biology? Chemistry?

Engineering? Business?
No, see, those careers lead to
higher employment rates. And

whats the point of being employed

if you cant watch the Dawgs in
their annual Tuesday afternoon
bowl game, the prestigious Bobs

Uncertified Pre-owned Toyotas,

Chryslers and Buicks Bowl?
Nonetheless, the prospect of
cloning Saban has inspired quite

a few nonbelievers.
Look, Im new to this whole
science thing, but I know that
every action has to have an equal
and opposite retraction, said
sophomore Industrial Architecture Criticism major Syan Beige.
And if Saban is gonna roll over
us every time we luck our way out
of the SEC East, then youre damn
right were going to fight back.
A few u(sic)GA faithful,
though, admit that they would be
jarred should the experiment succeed.
Whatever would I do with
my Saban = Satan sign I wave
around whenever ESPN accidentally brings College GameDay to
Athens? asked 87-year old Clarke
County resident Bathilda Summers.
But look, I need us to win a
national championship soon, because my time is running out, she
added. I jumped on the Dawgs
bandwagon back in the Herschel
Walker era, and the team has
treated me like crap ever since.
[Former u(sic)GA Coach] Mark
Richt and Kirby Smart seem like
nice, God-fearing men, and Im
sure they treat the kids real good.
But I think we need a real killer to run this program. So I think
it either has to be Nick Saban or
someone from the Manson family.
Im not picky.
At press time, u(sic)ga officials
were reportedly found hiding in
Sabans backyard.