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HellWith To Georgia

Friday, November 18, 2016 • vol. 102, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net

Hell W ith Georgia F riday , N ovember 18, 2016 • v ol . 102,

Wikileaks

uncovers

professor

scandal!

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Hell W ith Georgia F riday , N ovember 18, 2016 • v ol . 102,

RALLY FOR HARAMBE

ORREN GU TAN
ORREN GU TAN

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Te 2016 election cycle has resulted in many left discontent with the nomination process. As Trump and Clinton became the primary candidates for the presi- dential race, some voters were left without a candidate that they felt truly represented their beliefs and ideas. With their choices nar- row, many citizens have chosen to express their frustration at the election and nomination process through write-ins, an option that was popular in Georgia’s Athens- Clarke County as the UGA com- munity came together and cast their votes for Harambe. Speaking to students at a Ha- rambe rally earlier this month, we discovered that many UGA students believe that Harambe ef- fectively represents their desire to heal the wounds of dissention in our society during the tumultuous presidential race. He may be gone but a vote for the prominent go- rilla is, for some, a vote for justice. Both College Republicans and Democrats came together here in an admirable show of unity. One voter we spoke to claimed, “We decided to put aside our di fer- ences and loyalties and do what we felt was right.”

Another voter perfectly summed up the feelings of his peers: “I feel like there isn’t much to say at this point. A few weeks ago, I felt hopeless and frustrated at our circumstances and it made me realise that I’d felt this way be- fore. I asked myself who I would trust with this country. Te an- swer was clear. I urge the UGA community to vote for him, and let the world know that we will never stop fghting for justice.” Te atmosphere after election day weighed heavy with grief as students continue to mourn their nominee’s loss. It has shone a light on the de- humanisation that animals face in every day. In a wave of online ac- tivism following the tragedy, stu- dents shared videos of capuchin monkeys demanding grapes and cats dancing to music to remind us that these creatures are just as capable as us should we care to understand them. It doesn’t matter that Harambe would have only technically 17 at the time of inauguration or the fact that he is a deceased ape. Te u[sic]ga community will support him again in 2020 long after this has stopped being funny.

Stylish selifes disqualify votes

BAY SIKBEECH
BAY SIKBEECH

OH.EM.GEE.

America is still coming to terms with the results of this presidential election, especially the majority of of college students. However, a major anomaly came to our atten- tion; it appeared a large number of ballots from Athens were disquali- fed. We decided to investigate to f nd out why so many anomalies occurred. We decided to start by talking to students who posted pictures of their “I’m a Georgia Voter” stickers on social media; it took a while to get through them all because so many students had posted. However, while we were looking through those student pictures, we noticed something:

for approximately every sel fe with a sticker, there were at least one or two sel fes of a person with their ballot, à la Justin Timberlake. We believe that the main rea- son this happened was that they saw only the sel fe of the popular singer and followed in his foot-

steps.

We interviewed frt-year Molly

Lolly a confectionery major about

why she decided to snap a sel fe while voting. “Well, yeah it’s super cool that JT posted a sel fe with his ballot, but I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon like that.” She continued, “I realized that the bal- lot really complimented my com- plexion so I thought ‘Why miss this picture perfect moment?’” Another student Eric Shun said, “A sel fe. Yeah, that’s cool. But I snapchatted the whole expe- rience. I wanted to let my fans go through the voting process with me, you know? I got to give the people what they want.” Shin is an aspiring Musical.ly star with a grand total of three followers in- cluding the girlfriend he doesn’t have and the hobo near Five Guys. Regardless of their reasons, what they completely forgot though, was that Georgia is one of the states that disquali fes your vote if you take a picture with it, even if you’re the son of one of the the President-Elect (we’re looking

“Why miss this picture perfect moment?”

at you, Eric Trump).

What does this mean for these

underrepresented students? Ac-

cording to our approximations, nearly 60% of campus invalidated their vote. Would those votes have swung Georgia blue, or made it a more resolute red? Tere’s really

no way of knowing, and either way, its too late now. All we can hope is that these students learn from their mistake and never invalidate their vote again, but considering this is Ath- ens, it’s highly unlikely. Until then, we here at the Red

and Black will keep bringing you the most pressing investigative journalism on campus; our next major project? Figuring out the real reason behind the camo trend sweeping campus. Here’s a sneak peek: we suspect the students think they’re invisible.

Hell W ith Georgia F riday , N ovember 18, 2016 • v ol . 102,
 
// NOOSE
// NOOSE
// NOOSE

// NOOSE

2 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

2 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
 
2 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

THWUGA: Good Old Fashioned Hate

VIDYA IYER

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

For the more than one hun- dredth time, let us welcome all of you freshmen to Tech. We are ex- cited to present the 2016 To Hell With Georgia Issue. Contained in these pages you will f nd all manner of outlandish, (hopeful- ly) entertaining and completely false material we aspire to think up for every THWUGA edition. Beginning as a modest four- page paper, published on Nov. 17, 1911, the frst issue of the Technique focused primarily on the then-upcoming football game with Georgia. It’s from this moment “the South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” began. And, as a tip of the hat to this “modest” start, the sta f of the Technique produce an issue dedicated to mocking Georgia’s newspaper, Te Red and Black. Tough this issue relies on ste-

reotypes we agree are not as true as they once were (Georgia stu- dents aren’t necessarily drunken rednecks nor are Tech students necessarily nerdy introverts), it’s not about the stereotypes. Yes, the jokes contained herein maintain the sordid tra- dition of low blows in the form of incest-, alcohol- and stupidity- related material. Is it fair to con- tinue to perpetuate these false stereotypes? Not necessarily. But, the most important as- pect of this annual issue is the tradition: the traditions we re- peat year after year, the tradi- tions that hold campus together and, of course, the tradition of Good Old-Fashioned Hate. So, as you f ip through these 24 pages, remember the Good Word (“To hell with georgia,” for those who have forgotten), and what binds all Tech students to - gether: our Good Old-Fashioned Hate of our rivals up the road.

Astronomy club blinded af- ter inspection of the sun

PETER PANDA
PETER PANDA

DAVID BOWIE’S LOVECHILD WITH SIA

Earlier this week, the Astronomy Club at The University [sic] of Georgia — We See Stars — made an ex- traordinary discovery. A large glowing celes- tial body was seen by all members of the club. The club has weekly meetings at a time con - venient for all members, 5:00 p.m. on Wednes- days. The usual se - ries of events is a roll call, set up of a tele - scope and a discussion of constellations, and other various cosmic sightings. Favorite constellations of the club include the North Stairs, Brian’s Belt, and Ursa Majorette.

Members of the club

called a press confer-

ence for the sighting. Local news stations and papers were in at- tendance of the once in a blue moon event for We See Stars. Wanting to mimic con - ventions used by pro - fessional astronomers, the club has named the star WSS 8675309, whose proper name has been dubbed ‘The Sun’. Curiously, the club had a third party present to moderate questions, and all of the members wore eye patches to the press conference. Af- ter reporters queried after the questionable fashion choice of each member wearing two eyepatches, a shocking admission was made. After noticing the large shining star in the sky, that has been no -

ticeable quite often dur-

ing the day, each mem- ber took a long look into the telescope. Each member was immediate - ly blinded by the bright rays of “The Sun.” None of the blind- ed members thought to warn the next before the entire club was in - jured by the amazing

discovery. The school will com- memorate the club and the personal sacrifices made by each member with a statue of “The Sun” to be placed in the parking lot of the sci- ence building. The un - veiling will take place in a week’s time. At this time, it is not yet known if the damage to the retina’s of the as- tronomy club members will be permanent, or will fade in time.

criminally criminal crimes committed by criminals

HARRIET HERMAN
HARRIET HERMAN

ABANDONED LOVER OF HORSES

y’all, I’m just gonna come out and

say it. If you know where Henry

went a tip would really be helpful.

unhappy with what I gave you?

Why would you do this? We were

satisfed, emotionally and spiritu-

 

ally (and also sexually) for many

   

I MISS YOU, HENRY

I MISS YOU, HENRY HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG years. Go f*ck yourself.
   
HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG

HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG

I MISS YOU, HENRY HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG years. Go f*ck yourself.
I MISS YOU, HENRY HENRY, YOU HORRIBLE SLAG years. Go f*ck yourself.

years. Go f*ck yourself.

A horse was stolen from outside a residence hall at roughly 2 a.m. last night. Henry was his name. Y’all, I don’t know if you knew Henry but he had the sweetest eyes and the most radiant smile I’ve ever seen. His mane was all glossy and sometimes it smelled like strawberries. Where is he? Where is Henry? Who took him out of my life? I love him dearly

Tere were going to be other crime reports here but I need to get something of my chest. Y’all, I just found out that Henry wasn’t stolen — he left me. We never had so much as a disagreement, never fought once. You are a beastly little horse, Henry, and I hope someone punishes you for leav- ing me. When did I ever leave you unsatisfed? When were you ever

I HAVE ANOTHER HORSE NOW
I HAVE ANOTHER HORSE NOW

Henry, you should have known this was coming. I’ve moved on and I hope you’re sad wherever you are. I have a new horse, and his name is Harry. He’s way gloss- ier and more brooding than you ever were, you useless mammal. I hope you enjoy bedding a horse without thumbs to caress you.

// NOOSE 2 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA THWUGA: Good Old Fashioned

Photo by MaryMae Mulberry Knows confused people, is confused

sLuvr r thoughts realli throughts? please let me out i’m fucking serious i am locked in
sLuvr
r thoughts realli throughts?
please let me out
i’m fucking serious i am locked in a farm under the football stadium
they’re getting angry
WHOEVER IS SLEEPING WITH MY COUSIN: I CALLED
FIRST DIBS
where in the hell is my horse
Guys I’m about to freak out I just failed my Algebra 1 test so hard
and I can tell it was the FOIL that got me but I just can’t handle it
Please oh please will someone tell me who let the dogs out I want to
f nd them and make them safe and happy
Tis publication actually does suck.
I
swear everyone is so damn sensitive these days it’s like I can’t kiss
my sister in public without there being some kind of ft. Liberals are
the worst amirite.
Sometimes I have dirty thoughts about people not related to me. Is
that wrong? Am I going to Hell?
Sometimes i think the trees are talking to me
I’m really not a redneck but put me in coach I’m ready to wrastle
You know ur a redneck when you can’t read. lmao
Tem city slickers can’t see us when we wear camo. use this to ur
advantage when tryna to deceive a yank
GO DWAGS SIC EMOFOFOFOWOWOWOWOOFOOFFOFO-
WOFO
ayund awn the ayth daey gawd creahtehd thuh sayunfoRD staydium
Don’t lie to me: Larry the Cable Guy is hot and you know it
I’m thinking about rushing Tri-Kap
Bruh you down to go toss the rock?
PLEDGE!!!!!!!
I
don’t know who is hotter: frst cousin twice removed or second
cousin once removed???
When I’m bored, I tie a strong rope to the hitches of my trucks and
play tug-a-war with the trucks
Ain’t nothin f ner in the land than a drunk obnoxious georgia fan
First you multiply the inner numbers
the intagrill
...
and
then
...
divide?
And that’s
// NOOSE
// NOOSE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 3

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 3 Learn how 2 transfer
// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 3 Learn how 2 transfer

Learn how 2 transfer 2 Tech w/ a new course designed to learn u

DIRTY CHANEL O’LICKS DEFINITELY NOT A STRIPPER
DIRTY CHANEL O’LICKS
DEFINITELY NOT A STRIPPER

Starting this Spring, the Col- lege of Engineering will ofer a course focused on transferring to Georgia Tech.

Called “How to Get an Ac- tual Engineering Degree,” stu- dents will learn the ins and outs of transferring into the world class institution. Te course will cover everything from succeeding in prerequisite classes, f nding housing and trac- tor parking around Atlanta, and, most importantly, submitting the application. “I think most of my colleagues agree that our students have the hardest time actually submit-

... out the application is one thing, but the misspellings and errors do not hold a candle to the dif- culty our students have with navi- gating Common App,” says Dr. Redneck, the dean of the College of Engineering and the professor tasked with teaching this course. “Each class we will do a little dry run to help them type in the application website, upload their application, and hit the button that says ‘submit’. It really is quite daunting.” Te frst half of the course will cover pertinent infor-

ting the applications

Filling

mation for potential transfers, but

will mainly focus on submitting

the application. “I tried to trans- fer once before,” says third-year industrial engineering student Whuten Idyiet (it’s French). “I looked for hours, but I couldn’t f nd the button to submit the ap - plication!” Once the class masters the big

submittal, Dr. Redneck hopes

they will be able to get into more

complex material, such as learning the fght song and understanding other Tech traditions. “Te fght song is complex -- that’s a lot of verses for our stu- dents to remember,” Dr. Redneck says. “Who knows, this might need to be a course all on its own.”

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 3 Learn how 2 transfer

Photo by MaryMae Mulberry Took this photo too

“Student blazerspace” opens and it’s super lit

PAYÉS THEBLUNT OPINIONS EDITOR
PAYÉS THEBLUNT
OPINIONS EDITOR

On Nov. 12, former

u[sic]ga wide receiver and current player for Cincinnati Bengals AJ Green announced that he plans to donate $5 million to the u[sic] ga agriculture depart- ment for the construc-

tion of a new state-of-

the-art cannabis grove, to be called the “Student Blazerspace.” The grove will be housed in a mas- sive greenhouse on cam- pus, and students in the department of agricul- ture will have access to it for experiments involving the plant. When asked what kind of research he hoped to conduct, agriculture student Billy Blaze com- mented that “I’m really excited for the grove. I think it will really help me with my smoking — I mean research!” When asked why he was donating the Blaz- erspace, Green explained “I just really wanted to build something that would perfectly embody

the memories I have of

my time on campus.”

While only agriculture

students will have full

weekday access to the grove, all students will have access on weekends,

and a limited number of students will be admit- ted each weekday at 4:20 pm. Additionally, prod - ucts crafted from the plants will be available in a dispensary in Bolton Dining Commons. Lee Wallace, the chair of the agriculture de - partment, said that “the grove offers dual func-

tionality; it satisfes the

research needs of our department, and offers recreation activities to campus as a whole.” Retired peanut farmer and chemistry depart- ment chair Bo Cullen de - scribed the donation as “good for the university [sic], but pretty unfair. We in chemistry have been asking for a meth lab for years.” New football coach and professional disap- pointment Kirby Smart suggested that “it would be great if the facility could be completed be - fore signing day,” as it could be a valuable tool for future football recruitment.

 

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4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOOSE
4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOOSE
// NOOSE
// NOOSE

Students gather on Election Day to view race results at speedway

TEDDY CRUZ
TEDDY CRUZ

ADORABLE ZODIAC KILLER

As the election drew to a close on Nov. 8, u[sic]ga students gathered at Atlanta Motor Speedway to watch the final mo - ments of what has been an intense race that has captured the attention of the entire nation. Students were excited to be able to see the finish up close and personal instead of waiting for updates from television. One student, Lym P. Johnsons, said “I don’t know how they’re gunna outrun them NASCARs. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is purty fast in that car of his. But I’m ex-

cited to see how they do. I ain’t never

seen a presidential race up close be- fore!” Students began tailgating in the center of the speedway when it became apparent that the presidential racers would be much later than expected. Some attendants admitted to not actu- ally being students, but stayed because they thought there was a football game there later that day. Jimmy Russels, one such attendant, ex- plained why he had come to the event between long draws from a can of Nat- ty Light: “If them dwags are playin’ here too-day then by God I’m gonna be here. I ain’t ever missed a game since I was born and hell’ll freeze over the day I do.”

4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOOSE Students gather on Election

Design by Tanner Glutes Fine piece of Man Meat

Research discovers gravity, but cannot explain phenomenon

BUD LIGHTBEER BENEVOLENT DICTATOR
BUD LIGHTBEER
BENEVOLENT DICTATOR

Professors at u[sic]ga have recently discovered what causes their spit to fall to the ground when dipping and why

everyone hasn’t foated out of

Athens yet. “We made a big discovery to - day,” said Dr. Izzy Dum, head of terrestrial physics, “before this we didn’t really know what made stuff fall down in Athens. Rain, piss, drunks, it

was all a mystery.” The dis -

covery marks a huge break-

through for the department. It was previously thought that the only thing keeping people in Athens on the ground was gum stuck to the bottom of their shoes. The discovery was made by a four-man team made up of a third, fourth and ffth year freshman and a sen - tient can of Pabst Blue Rib - bon known as Pablo. “It’s like, a-maze-ing that we are held down by some random force and not the gum we always stick on the bottom of our shoes,” said the fourth year

freshman, “I mean, who knew

that the greatest minds of our

generation hadn’t thought of this?” When asked what they were calling this new force, the third year fresh - man said, “We haven’t really thought of a name yet, but we’re thinkin’ something like falling force ‘cause ya know, it makes stuff fall.” Using this new breakthrough, the group plans to move forward with testing more hypotheses. Do drunks experience more fall - ing force than sober people? How does jumping work?

4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOOSE Students gather on Election

Photo by THE ACTUAL QUEEN Photography Genius and Ray of Sunshine

4 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOOSE Students gather on Election
// NOOSE
// NOOSE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male
// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male

Semen

clogging

drains,

male

students blamed

JACKSOM COX
JACKSOM COX

PURVEYOR OF FACTS

WE’RE NUT KIDDING AROUND HERE. THERE’S A STICKY SITUATION GOING DOWN IN FRESHMAN DORMS AND IT’S JACKING UP EVERYONE’S SHOWER EXPERIENCES. THOSE WHO ELECT TO CHOKE THEIR CHICKENS IN THE COMMUNAL COOP ARE BEING ASKED TO GET A GRIP ON THEIR PROBLEM; THE GO-GO JUICE IS APPARENTLY GUMMING UP THE WORKS AND CLOGGING THE PIPES. FUTURE SELF-LOVE SESSIONS SHOULD TAKE PLACE IN THE BOUDOIR, SINCE NOBODY IS GONNA HIT THAT ANYWAY. TAKE A TISSUE, SOLVE THIS ISSUE. DON’T BE A JERK AND STOP JERKIN’ IT. JIZZ LESS.

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male

Photo by Bo Knergh Photographer of fluids

Ugga has sult of the HARRY MCCHEST FURRY FRIEND FOREVER
Ugga
has
sult
of
the
HARRY MCCHEST
FURRY FRIEND FOREVER

suddenly

folds

on

died

as

a

little

re-

face

his

radiant

Unfortunately, it was not heart

failure that did poor Ugga XX in,

but a lack of air fow due to his many neck folds. Te autopsy determined that Ugga had fallen asleep on his side,

a beer to pour onto the body of

Flapjacks as well as many beers to

drink away the sorrow of losing yet another member of the presti- gious Ugga line. As usual, Natty Light will be sold for anyone in

On Nov. 15, 2016, Ugga XX was found dead in his dwaghouse

after a lengthy 10-week career as the ofcial live mascot. May he rip in peace. I know his soul will be in Heaven according to the ac- claimed documentary “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” May God bless his noble soul. Ugga XX was known for his many tricks that he would play at sporting events, from pissing on his handler to shitting on his handler to his occasional collaps- es on the feld due to temporary cardiac arrest. We are so grateful that since Ugga XV, the school has given every new Ugga a pacemaker to extend their life well past the aver- age expectancy of about two days.

causing ten of his neck folds to fall on his mouth, su focating him as he slept. In memory, we will now ask for a respirator to be provid- ed to every new Ugga to prevent such a tragedy from occurring ever again. Ugga XX shall now and for- ever be known as “Flapjacks” to honor his memory and his many, many neck folds, which some have compared in the past to the break- fast concoction known outside of u[sic]ga as pancakes and known inside this noble institution as fapjacks. Tere will be a memorial ser- vice tomorrow for Flapjacks. At- tendees are encouraged to bring

need of expensive champagne. Sadly, Ugga XX’s doggy wife passed away shortly after the death of her husband, due to the failure of her handler to apply the hourly insulin shot required to keep all in the exalted Ugga lineage alive. Te couple, now reunited in Heaven, are succeeded by their daughter and cousin, Ugga XX-and-a-half, also known as “Wheeze”. We expect her obitu- ary to be out within the next fve issues. May you rip in peace and may your food always be delicious yet small enough for you to digest without chewing, as you have no teeth. We’re going to miss you, Flapjacks.

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male

Photo by Jesus Christ Chief Photographer in Heaven

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BREAKING

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NEWS

NOT ATTEND u [sic] ga AND

TRUMP

FOX NEWS HAS REVEALED THAT

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IT IS UNCLEAR AND THAT BER-

THAT

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THE SAME RE-

FROM.

WHERE

NATED

PREME LEADER OF THE UNITED STATES, IS NOT HUMAN BUT IN

SU-

TRUMP,

 

DONALD

// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male
// NOOSE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 5 Semen clogging drains, male

Onions

GRAND POO-BAH: Leo Spaceman

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

— George W. Bush

the r&b
the r&b

6

Friday,

November 18, 2016

 

OUR VIEWS | Consensus Onion

 

It is not okay that classes exist

An open letter to the oppressors

A tention all policy-makers and big timers of the university of Georgia: there is a big problem with this college, and it is called class. It’s simply ridiculous that, a fer paying nearly 0.0001 percent of our family’s old inheritance money to atend this school, we are still expected to do work and learn things. Tat money is supposed to allow us to participate in the most partying and drinking possible, not for any kind of con- voluted academic purposes. And the worst part is that there is no reason for the class. We might be able to understand why uGA is so insistent on us atending these boring lectures if the reality was that we would actually need the skills and knowledge taught at some point down the road. But, as was so truuuuuuuuuuuu in high school and middle school before it, we will never use any of this math nonsense. Why can’t we all be like the beer majors? Tose are seriously and widely sought-a fer skills

that are relevant in almost every single walk of life. In any case, it goes without saying that this piece is our submission to the uGA ad- ministration that we have had enough of their brutal reign of terror involving cram- ming facts into our brain. Have you guys not read the science? You can only use f ve percent of your brain, and we think we speak for every student at uGA when we say that that small space is already f lled up with the most important of the infor- mation out there: drinks, drugs and sex. Seriously, how can it be expected that we forget any of that in order to store up some of that stupid math or reading stu f ??!? We hope that this def nitely and un- questionably open leter will be seen by the right people, and that they will proceed to make enough stink about this very real issue. Classes at uGA have gone on way way way way way too long, and they need to stop now.

Te Consensus Onion refects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Red&BLA , but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

THE Red&BLAAAACK editorial board

 

Liz Lemon IMPORTANT PERSON Pete Hornberger GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER Angie Jordan BOB ROSS WANNABE

 

Devon Banks NOOSE EDITOR

Leo Spaceman ONIONS EDITOR

Kenneth Parcell XXOO EDITOR

Jenna Maroney SATISFACTION EDITOR

Frank Rossitano

LAFE EDITOR

Colleen Donaghy VAMPIRE

Hazel Wassername CANDID CAMERA Hank Hooper HAPPY GUY

Grizz MAGIC EDITOR Avery Jessup CHIEF GRAMMAR NAZI

2 TRUUUUUUUUUU BY LEO SPACEMAN

O nions GRAND POO-BAH: Leo Spaceman “ ” One of the great things about books is

Hey, what’s the time?

ABOUT 1:30 BM
ABOUT 1:30 BM

69 PAST 4:20

6:66 PM

0.08 O’CLOCK

12 FL OZ

TIMEY TURNER

TINY TIM-E

SLEEP TIME

FOOD TIME

SEX TIME

37

Write to us:

google.com

It aint rokkit syence fokes. Just go to the googles and tipe in the wurds red and also black and then we shud bee 1 of the 1st spider webs you sea on the google notebook. If u dont sea us, then call ur tech support person or sumpin like that. Idk. it wood prolly be ezer if u just called us up at 420-420-6969, which is akshully our number dont la f. serously dont la f ppl la f at that way too much. so anyways just call us up there and well come down to where ur at and help u git to our spiderweb. because it is for really a dope spiderweb. wE Put all of our good stories and tales there and ppl sea it and they like it and then they put it on there blue book of faces, and then other ppl will see it and then they will clik a liddul button in the shape of a thumb and then the thumb will turn blue and then our globe on our book

turns red with a liddul number and then we all smile with bigness. so basikly you gotta call us up if u want to help us smile. smilin is gud because it use more calories than frowning. or sumthin like that. it was another story in the book of faces where they said sompin like that to entourage ppl to smile instead of do - ing the forwaning so much, butt i dont have any real care about the calories part. i just mainly like the fact that wen u smile you can moor eazly look like that gy from the hunger game when hes winnin. i did really injoy that movee, i mean it was just so akshun pked. ekzept the part wear the girl ded. that one was a sad. youshully i just skip that one when im doin a watchthru. i youshully do a big watchthru of all the episodes every weekend or somethin like that. there’s like three oppisodes rite? they youshully take all my saterday then i just drink lots of beer sunday. my weekens are pretty gud i think. oh wait i still gotta tell you guys to go to the spiderweb o w-

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7
// OPINIONS
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7

YOUR VIEWS | wurds for the editer

Te garbage selection is amazing

Dear fellow denizens of the habitat which I believe you to know as “uni frsty dove jorja” or something like that. I am a native raccoon living in various dorm rooms. I write to you to - day because I was recently born and am overcome with the plen- tiful garbage to sni f and/or eat around this place. Everywhere I look, I see an- other piece of delicious-looking and delicious-smelling garbage for my subhuman senses to ex- amine. And let me tell, you it just makes me so happy that I was born in a place with humans that have a parallel appreciation of the stu f. Te mother raccoon has informed us that she once lived in the suburbs of Atlanta and that they have these con- traptions called recycling bins that eat up the precious garbage. How horrifying! Good thing no one does that here. Sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

“I just found this wonderful bit of trash!”

A RACCOON
A RACCOON

ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT LIVES IN THE DORMS

sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f

sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f sni f hey oh sorry I got a bit distracted there. I just found this wonderful bit of trash! It looks like it used to be some- one’s homework. Tey gave up on it, I think. Te only words I can make out are “Homework #1 wait no why would I do this lolz.” I tend to see that a lot around August and January. One other big deal about this discovery of mine is the fact that its paper. Paper is one of my fa-

vorite foods, especially when its been seasoned with some extra- delicious graphite, or, even bet- ter: ink! I would like to take this time to reach out to everyone who has ever placed these deli-

cious treats out for me. I know that is a ton of people, but you guys and gals have seriously im- proved my life by like, a billion-

fold! Without my minute-ly

un f nished homework snacks, my favorite food would be dirty socks that have been tossed out of windows by the humans in the dorms! I also sometimes eat them as I curl up to go to sleep in the piles of dirty laundry on the dorm room foors. Tey’re still a delicious snack, I just wouldn’t want to lose my be- loved homework. I can only hope that everyone in this habitat will continue to have and posses as much ability to place their garbage in areas that can be conveniently ac- cessed by raccoons, like me. I am just so extremely blessed to have been born as a raccoon in this place. Tank you everyone! Never change!

Coherent

thoughts

ENEEBE RYAEDID HIGH BAC
ENEEBE RYAEDID
HIGH BAC

learn weather you r 1 of the

wurst types of drunks

knows, but no party is com-

BIERG UTTS TYPING FROM EXPERIENCE Everyone loves to knock back a couple dozen cold ones on
BIERG UTTS
TYPING FROM EXPERIENCE
Everyone loves to knock
back
a
couple
dozen
cold
ones on a Monday or Tues-
day
night.
Here,
the
Red
and Black
ranks from best
to worst the classic u(sic)ga
drunk stereotypes.

plete without at least one of

these girls showing up to elec-

trify the room.

In

the middle

-

The Ditzy Drunk

We love this girl. She’s so

sweet and funny. But golly oh

golly, she’s just such a ditz. I

mean she walks into walls,

B ESTEST – THE BRO DRUNK

Bro. Tis guy (or bro) is

the bro-est bro to ever bro.

doesn’t realize who is around

her and acts all whimsical

and shit.

He’s not even in a bro-f lled,

chock full of bros fraternity,

because he can’t commit to

being just one bro-person’s

bro. Bro, he is everyone’s bro.

He bro-gets a bit tipsy, and

this bro literally starts pulling

out his bro-certi fed and bro-

authenticated paperwork to

become legally brodopted by

your parents. I mean every-

one knows a guy (or bro) like

this, right? A classic grade-

bro bro-drunk stereotype

right there, bro.

Second-Bestest –

The Portable Phone

Charger drunk

I’m sure you’re all well

acquainted with this type of

drunk. Tis girl always brings

a full backpack of portable

phone chargers to the party.

She hands them out like can-

dy! Perfect for that mid-party

panic when you’re worried if

you’ll miss that midnight call

from your estranged cousin

and virtual lover, Wilma-

Sue. Where she gets all these

phone chargers, no one really

The second worst

– the Beer snob

Tere’s nothing more frus-

trating than going to a party

and fnding out that they

don’t have cases of your favor-

ite beer, fat Natty Daddies.

Te taste of the uncarbonat-

ed beverage is heaven to your

ears, but when you show up

and all they have that local

micro-brewed crap? Totally

ruins the night. Miller light is

where we draw the line.

The absolute worst

– The Sloth

Tis

guy

is

so

annoy-

ing. He always arrives so

incredible and extremely

and ridiculously and extra-

annoyingly late and always

shows up unable to walk. In

fact, he usually has to climb

a tree to get to the party. He

has awful looking nails that

are several inches long and

thick. He could use a shower

and a shave; it’s been so long

that his copious body hair has

started to grow green algae.

Yuck. Gross. Disgusting.

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

How do magnets work?

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

BILLY BOB

EIGHTH-YEAR FOOD

“Magic? Or maybe magyk.”

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

CHILI BOB

FIRST-DAY HUMAN

“I dunno, I’m not really

that into science fction.”

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

CHILI “WILLY’S” BOB JOE

SECOND-SEASON NETFLIX WATCHER

“Is this a trick question?”

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 7 YOUR VIEWS | wurds

SAMAMAMAMAMANTHA

FINAL-YEAR UNDECIDED

Tere are litle rainbow men inside them that are

using the force on things.“

Photos by Hazel Wassername Student Publications

3 p.m. • Bill Moore Student Success Center, President’s Suite 6-8 p.m. Meal and Conversation MLK
3 p.m.
• Bill Moore Student
Success Center,
President’s Suite
6-8 p.m.
Meal and Conversation
MLK “SUNDAY”
SUPPER: A Community
for the Arts
• Ferst Center
7:30 p.m.
The Musical Production
WHAT’S GOING ON:
Please let the designated
event sponsor know if
you need a reasonable
accommodation to
participate.
January 11
January 12
CAMPUSWIDE
January 19
January 25
January 16-31
January 16
January 14
January 12-15
January 12-15
January 18
SPECTRUM
information
For more
MLK LECTURE:
Setting the Agenda for
the Next Civil Rights
Movement
• Featuring
Van Jones
myagnye2@gatech.
• Student Center
Ballroom
CNN political contributor
Van Jones will honor
Dr. Martin Luther King’s
legacy while setting
the agenda for the next
civil rights movement
with students, faculty,
staff, and community
members.
RSVP: www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2017-mlk-
lecture
STUDENT
CELEBRATION:
Coming Together to
Fulfill the Dream
7 p.m.
Contact:
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
Setting the
Agenda for
the Next
Civil Rights
Movement
January 11-31, 2017
Contact:
gatech.edu
diversityprograms.
www.
Register:
Seventy students and
30 faculty will have
the opportunity to tour
civil rights sites in
Washington, D.C.
• Leaving Georgia Tech
at 11 p.m.
• Various Locations
WASHINGTON, D.C.
CIVIL RIGHTS TOUR
• Student Center
Ballroom
gatech.edu
gordon.moore@
sirocus.barnes@
Focus is one of the
nation’s premier
programs for raising
awareness of
graduate education
among the brightest
underrepresented
students.
• Georgia Tech Hotel
and Conference Center
FOCUS PROGRAM
lauren.bell@gatech.
edu or cbrockman8@
gatech.edu
Contact:
This celebration
will feature student
speeches, cultural
performances, and a
candle-lighting ceremony
for student organizations.
Reception to follow.
for the Arts
8 p.m.
Arts@Tech presents
Alonzo King LINES
Ballet
gatech.edu
edu or mbanks34@
sarah.perkins@
DOC FEST: A Series
That Will MOVE You
show.asp
ad.gatech.edu/PEO/
https://peotest.
Purchase Tickets:
Office, 404.894.9601
Ferst Center Box
RSVP:
Georgia-born
choreographer Alonzo
King creates works that
draw on a diverse set of
deeply rooted cultural
traditions, imbuing
classical ballet with new
expressive potential.
Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr. Annual
Commemorative
Service
gatech.edu
• Georgia Tech
Residence Halls
Contact:
gatech.edu
RSVP: www.engage.
In this campus-wide
initiative honoring the
life and legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.,
participants will serve
in teams and engage
in service projects with
metro Atlanta community
partners.
Ballroom
8 a.m. - 2 p.m.
• Student Center
NATIONAL MLK
HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE
MLK Day of Service
tmckie3@gatech.edu
Contact:
Spectrum is a space for
open dialogue on race
relations and to break
down the communication
barrier between
individuals of various
backgrounds.
• Georgia Tech Christian
Campus Fellowship
8-10 p.m.
gatech.edu/
Contact:
gatech.edu
RSVP: www.engage.
100 spaces available.
The Georgia Tech
community is invited to
come together over a
meal and discuss the
MLK Celebration events,
Dr. King’s legacy, and
the next civil rights
movement. There are
gatech.edu
Visit: www.engage.
Sponsored by the King
Center, 20 spaces at this
annual church service
will be available to the
Georgia Tech community
through the MLK Day of
Service.
• Ebenezer Baptist
Church
• Ferst Center
MLK-celebration
Visit www.diversity.
gmail.com
caterpillars.
promise@gmail.
com or daniemathis@
ceismc.gatech.edu
What’s Going On depicts
college student life
focusing on social justice
issues that impact our
nation, especially the
black community.
Contact:
10 a.m.
housing.gatech.edu
sherry.murray@
Contact:
Five documentary films
will be shown within
the residence halls on
the Georgia Tech Cable
Network. Each film
will showcase an issue
plaguing today’s society.
// OPINIONS
// OPINIONS

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 9

// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 9
// OPINIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 9
Lit nahhhh OUR VIEWS | L IT OR NAHHHH
Lit nahhhh OUR VIEWS | L IT OR NAHHHH
Lit nahhhh OUR VIEWS | L IT OR NAHHHH
Lit nahhhh OUR VIEWS | L IT OR NAHHHH

Lit or nahhhh

OUR VIEWS | LIT OR NAHHHH

Ten things that make me go “I can’t even”

1). Tat feel when you get homework assigned:

a). We all know how this one goes: you get to class, you’re feeling good, you’re wearing your f nest camo and your hair is all greased up from last night’s tractor tipping. Ten, out of nowhere, your professor is like, “hey y’all do this by next week.” What even??? We have other things to do, like tractor tipping! Let me live! How much time do you think we have? I can’t write a page on anything, much less do a couple of addi- tion problems. J u s t t h e w o r s t. Ugh, I can’t. 2). When your professors ask you to come to class bee). Why can’t they understand that I have more important things to do? I’m an adult, I paid for the best education money can buy -- let me fail my classes, dammit! Ugh! 3). When you have to walk across campus but have to choose between your pumpkin spice latte and bookbag

sea). Guess I’m choosing the starbs! 4). When you try to date a football player and it turns out he’s just a very large toad! “d”). It’s just so sad to me that someone would deceive you like that. You can’t talk to anyone these days without it turning out that they’re a gigantic amphibian who can jump really high but can’t a ford to buy you Chick-Fil-A because their main currency is fruit f ies. Te frst time this happened to me, I couldn’t even. Te second time it happened, I couldn’t even couldn’t, and then it turned out it was the same damn toad! Uuuuugh.

5). When you meet an athlete at a party:

eh). Te music is popping, your makeup is shimmery and gorgeous, your hair is greased up from last night’s tractor tipping. Everything seems to be going great, and then it turns out you we just talking to a cardboard cutout the whole time! Why did he talk so nice to you, and why was his smile so charming? What was he doing at this party anyway? Why are there cardboard cutouts of athletes at frat houses? Just the worst, I can’t even.

6}. When you’re out of ramen :(

f this). I’m just so sad about this, it’s devastating. How do you deal when you go home expecting you have ramen, and then you open the cupboard doors (*”Time” by Hans Zimmer plays in the distance*) and it turns out that you don’t have ramen. Why not? Where did it go? Food is tricky because it’s gone once you use it, and it’s just the worst. 7). When Instagram won’t load because you live in the woods:

real g). #JustAthensTings. How many of us have had this problem? You’re trying to load Instagram — not even to post a picture, just to go through your feed and see what all of those bitches/your friends are up to, and you can’t get on the app because Athens is a forested wasteland! Tere’s no connection to the internet except a hard line in the library that only works from 9 to 5. So ugh-worthy, I can’t even. 8). When this damn PC culture oppresses your views hache). I hate it when I say something and people are ofended. Just stop. Please. I have the right to say anything I want! 9). When you try to share your political opinions with some people and it turns out they were all toads! eye). Whoops, this is the worst. Always seems to happen in Athens. You go out, you talk to some people, the convo is going well and it seems like you might’ve made some new friends, and then out of no- where it turns out that they were bumpy and lumpy frog analogues without the cuteness or slime! It’s just the worst and I don’t know why. Toads aren’t even that bad, they’re just deceptive and they’re everywhere. 10). When your soul is so, so tired:

jay). Tis is the worst. You exist, you’ve existed for a while, and it’s just so, like, draining. Your body

is physically exhausted, your mind is exhausted from all that “homework” you’ve been “doing,” your hair is all greased up from the tractor tipping you went to several nights ago … and you just want to sleep. Just r e s

t. You know? Stop moving, stop thinking, just go into some sort of dormant state.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . November
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
November 29
NNovember 15
November 1
October 18
October 4
September 20
September 6
August23
Chick-fil- A West Midtown invites you to join us for College Night!
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Lafe’

LIFE EDITOR:

Frank Rossitano

ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR:

Toofer

lafe@thwuga.net

Tips on How to Cook your Possum

Learn the techniques to getting your possum nice and juicy because you're worth it. — May Belleen469

the r&b
the r&b

10

Friday,

November 18, 2016

Uber gives new purpose to tractors

Lafe’ LIFE EDITOR: Frank Rossitano ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR: Toofer lafe@thwuga.net Tips on How to Cook your

Photo courtesy of Road Rage

Even a tractor combination vehicle is not immune to the one hour a week that Athens experiences Atlanta-like traffic jams. Uber has introduced a new class of vehicles for the Athens area.

UBE UHR
UBE UHR

BRUH, YOU LYFT?

Uber is a sharing app that pro - vides users with a cheap alterna- tive to taxis. Up until now, Uber catered toward the city folk by en- couraging drivers to drive around those ugly cars they call “luxury vehicles.” But we Athens folks knew, that we deserved better which is why in the next month Uber is now introducing UberT (the T standing for T-ractor, duh). While we do love our camou- fage, why would we ever want our vehicles to blend in with the night sky like UberBLACK ofers? Nah, Athenians are proud of our famboyantly colored tractors — green, yellow, red. Not only will UberT help bring some color back to the streets but tractors are also great for the en- vironment, if it mattered. Global warming is a hoax, as everyone knows, but now the liberals will be satisfed. As everyone knows thee things are gas gzzlers, so they’ll really help with the whole farting problem. Instead of fart- ing in open spaces people can help contribute to the UberT fund by farting in tractors so that the trac- tors can have gas to guzzle. So that should help with the stink of Ath- ens. At least a little.

Not to mention, the speed on

these things are great. It will give someone a lot of time to think about whether going on that date with their cousin is a good idea. And when you f nally show up at your cousin’s house for the date which you determined is indeed a brilliant idea, they will be im- pressed by the big, colorful tractor that you showed up in. Nothing says romance better than picking up your cousin/date in a tractor. Introducing tractors into the Uber brad is an overall wise deci- sion for the company. “We want to help make America great again,” said Uber spokes person Don T. Rump, “and we can do that by tai- loring our product to rural areas and giving them what they want.” Additionally, tractors are an American symbol and it will be great to see the country being rep - resented on the highways instead of by all those German and cars. UberT is said to cause a disrup- tion in the ride sharing commu- nity. A disruption in a good way. Not in the kind of way when a clown decides t hide in the stair- well of a dormitory and scare the living daylights out of students who are walking back from class (haha, who goes to class). Be on the lookout for UberT it’s going to be the latest and greatest bombdiggity.

RHO

OMICRON

OMICRON

RHO

CAUGHT

IN

DIRTY

SCANDAL

ASHIT ANNAPOO DUMP-STAR
ASHIT ANNAPOO
DUMP-STAR

It was a sad sad day at u[sic] ga when fraternity brothers from Rho Omricon Omcricon Rho came to a shocking realization. After trespassing to steal gummy worms for their pet bird, Ti fany, from the dirt of resident of Athens’, Mr. McFurble, and accidentally crashing into a slid- ing glass door that was actually closed, the group of brothers fed the crime scene, but not without leaving traces of blood (without the gummy worms). Police tested the blood samples and identifying the culprits, rushed to the frater- nity house to arrest the students. Te students protested, arguing that it couldn’t be them, because they were brothers, and the blood samples showed that they were not related. After a brief moment of ba fement, the police ofcers realized that the brothers really didn’t know that they weren’t bio - logically a f liated with each other. Te ofcers then proceeded to tell the Rho Omricon Omricon Rho members that just because they were brothers in a fraternity, doesn’t mean that they are biolog- ical brothers, to which the culprits

the authorities. “I had no clue,”

exclaimed Stan Kee Brown, a fo-

rensics major at u[sic]ga. “But it’s not just that. I had no clue that my brothers were not my actual brothers.” Te brothers seemed to be more a fected by the fact that they were not biological brothers than the fact that they would be spending six years in prison. “I’m just bumbfounded,” sobbed Sey- more Bhattz. “I thought our super secret pinky promise cross your heart hope to die stick a needle in your eye fuzzy unicorns preg- nancy pact blood oath made us ofcially brothers.” Some of the u[sic]ga fraternity brothers are still having trouble internalizing the fact that they are not biological brothers. “You can’t just take back our brother-ness by writing it in the newspaper you know,” said [ldsk falkdjf]. “We’ve shared things. Very personal, in- timate things. Like brothers. You wouldn’t understand.” It is unclear how the brothers of Rho Omicron Omicron Rho came to believe they were actu- ally related. Te sad sad sad sad day ended on a happy note. Te brothers chose to remain blissfully ignorant.“No matter what the law says, you’re still my brother!”

Lafe’ LIFE EDITOR: Frank Rossitano ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR: Toofer lafe@thwuga.net Tips on How to Cook your
// LAFE
// LAFE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 11

// LAFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 11
// LAFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 11
S t r a n g e r Things is a TV Show guys not a
S t r a n g e r
Things
is
a
TV Show guys
not
a
source
JUAN A. SMOKE
CHAINSMOKER (IN THE BAND)
students.
Talking to Christmas
lights is a documented phe-
nomenon, but the lights
Students watched Netf-
lix’s “Stranger Things” af-
ter asking their father-un -
cles and mother-aunts for
talking back has never been
seen before. Another frst
for JUGS, the lights seem
their Netfix passwords.
This period nonfction
presented scientifc fnd-
ings that researchers at
to display as much intel-
ligence as a professor. Ex-
periments will be run this
coming December in which
various holiday decorations
u[sic]ga have since copied
and published in the Journal
of Undergraduate Georgia
Studies (JUGS).
The show’s main charac-
ter, Eleven, is apparently a
will be asked yes or no ques-
tions.
Thanks to these contri-
butions to the general body
of academia, UGA has re-
ceived a grant to upgrade
number that exists beyond
10, a startling fnding. The
leading theories are that
numbers past 10 turn into
humans or all humans on
Earth are in fact numbers.
The Demogorgon crea-
ture has been determined
to share traits and fea-
tures with students at u[sic]
ga. Most u[sic]ga students
come from a common ances-
tor and have not bred out-
side the family, so the mon -
ster may be either a current
student or the father of all
its research facilities. The
administration will allegedly
install a cabin, tree, pool,
and wall to summon the mon -
ster, as a rip in the fabric of
reality proved too costly. A
saltwater tank will likely be
brought onto campus to un -
lock students’ hidden poten -
tials, as it helped Eleven in
the show.
The second season of
“Stranger Things” will sure-
ly bring additional discover-
ies to the forefront of sci-
ence.

What accint we got here??

DAN C.
DAN C.

ÃÇÇËÑT KWEEN

A few months ago, u[sic] ga professors and gradu -

ate students began a large effort to try to determine why people think we sound “Southern” here at u[sic]ga.

“For yers now, I’ve seen

jus bucketsful of fellas

coming in an’ tellin’ me, you

know, you sound like you from down yonder South,” professor Thom Sawser said.

“But I don’t think I got no

accint,” Sawser admitted.

“Essentially we’re tryna

debunk this myth that we at u[sic]ga are less educated

then the resta Jawja and

the U.S.,” Sawser explains. “But to do that we gotta do a lotta of statistical mata- magicks and mumbo-jazz which is actually confusing

us a lot right now.”

Sawser advises anyone who wants to get involved

in the research to take re- medial statistics classes, as their methods require large

amounts of surveys of the

student population, possibly more than 10.

“Thing is, we don’t really

know what we want yet, what

data’dbe the most pertinant,

so anyone with the smallest amount of knilledge’d re- ally be of great help fer us,” Sawser said.

// LAFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 11 S t r a

Photo by The Mad Hatter

Straw

hats,

like

the

one

pictured

above,

are

a

staple

of

Vietnamese

women

and

uGa

students.

How to Not Get Pregnant BEBE MAKER FULL-TIME MOM
How to Not Get
Pregnant
BEBE MAKER
FULL-TIME MOM

In this day and age we need to take precautionary measures, in- volving preventing the procreation of individuals who should not be procreating. For the betterment

of our society as a whole, it is up

to you, u[sic]ga students, to take the reins and lead our world in a u[sic]ga baby-less world. Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t enjoy the pleasures of the body’s natural feelings, but educate your- selves on how to not get pregnant. No wait scratch that. Te reason why you should read this is be- cause getting pregnant will make you die. So if you don’t want to die, take the following precau-

tionary measures. Tank you for

your cooperation.

See SEX, page 14

gttower.org UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT Showcase, Present, and Inspire UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
gttower.org UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT Showcase, Present, and Inspire UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
gttower.org UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT Showcase, Present, and Inspire UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

gttower.org

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT

Showcase, Present, and Inspire

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

To H

wi

geo

Tis space is provided as a pu

ELL

th

rgia!

blic service by the Technique.

14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LAFE
14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
 
// LAFE

// LAFE

Grass

lecture

cut

short

SEX FROM PAGE 10

due

to

 

low

attendance

You

don’t want to die right?

Because if you have sex, you will

get pregnant and die. Read on.

14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LAFE Grass lecture cut short

Photo by someone who needed to take a photo of someone wearing camo

This

photo

has

nothing

visible

in

it.

Despite

efforts

by

student

organizations

to

get

a

large

turnout

for

Camo

Day,

it

appears

that

no

one

participated

in

the

event

this

year,

much

like

previous

years.

MOLLY JANE
MOLLY JANE

ASPIRING WEED DEALER

A UGA professor was extreme- ly perturbed when no students showed up to his Te Growing of Grass lecture last Tursday, which is consistently a yearly favorite, despite the high intellectual de- mand on his students. Tursday, which was coinci- dentally Camo Day on campus, was a normal class day as far as the confused professor was con- cerned. “I sent out an email and was like ‘Get yer ass to class, y’all!’ be- cause, ya know, sometimes they forget Wednesday night ain’t Fri-

day and they hit the bars a little

early… Hell, I done it myself a few times! I fgured they just needed a kick in the pants,” the professor said, tugging on the strap of his John Deer overalls as he scratched his head cluelessly. Perhaps the most bizarre aspect was that the professor swears he heard his students’ voices during class, despite the fact that he was unable to see anyone in the room. “I was all by my lonesome in there… just me and my PBR thermos, watchin’ the chickens peckin’ outside the window, but I kept hearing my students yam- merin’ away! I looked at my beer, but it was only my 12th since that morning, so it couldn’t a been

that… maybe I was just gettin

some feels because my dog and my wife and my truck left me the night before,” the professor men- tioned as he began to strum his guitar. Students, however, tell a di fer- ent story. Tey claim they were on time to class after gunning their diesel engines through the night- mare of tra fc caused by the three other citizens of Athens. Joe-Bob told about his expe- rience, saying, “I was runnin a little late cause I had to drop my girlfriend of with our mom, and then my tractor broke down, but I slid into my seat in time. I was the only person in the class, and the professor just kept nursin’ his

beer… it was real weird, y’all…” Te other students all had similar anecdotes, with the com- mon thread being that they were the only ones besides the professor who showed up for class, and the professor never noticed them. Te professor (who remains unnamed due to the mention of his recent divorce with his dog and his wife), claims that this happens every year on Camo Day. He continued with the lecture - despite the absence of his students - because he believes in traditions. “Traditions like beer, and se- cession, and keepin’ up with my lectures,” he says sentimentally, as a lone tear drips into his beer can at the mention of secession.

DONʼT SLEEP WITH YOUR COUSIN

Tis should go without saying, but if you have sex, you will get pregnant and die. Especially if it’s with your cousin. It’ll make you die even more.

DONʼT POKE HOLES IN YOUR CONDOMS

Ever use one of those confec- tioner’s sugar sifters? It’s like that. If you put the sugar in, it’ll come out the other side. Don’t do that. Don’t put the sugar in the sifter.

STRENGTHEN YOUR PULL- OUT GAME

You can even make lightsaber noises to aid your pull-out speed. Vrrrruummmpp!

THINK OF YOUR MOTHER

Every time you have these ter- rible urges, get your mind out of the gutter by thinking of some- thing else. Like your mother.

THINK OF YOUR MOTHER

What

did

I

tell

you.

Stop

thinking about sex. What would your mother say?

DO THE SEX WITH YOUR- SELF.

If no semen enters your part- ner, they can’t get pregnant.

Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain Building Apps!

Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain
Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain
Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain
Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain
Georgia Tech is Looking for Focus Group Participants for a Research Study to Evaluate 2 Brain

Georgia Tech Parents, Staff, Faculty:

How to Register: Send an email request by Friday, November 11 th with a subject line of Focus Group Participant to joy.kniskern@amac.gatech.edu

What:

Evaluate 2 apps for early childhood brain-building Accessibility Solutions and Research Center, Georgia Institute of Technology, 250 Means Street, Atlanta, Georgia Tuesday, November 15, 2016 from 2:00 – 5:00 pm

Where:

When:

Eligibility:

GT students, faculty or staff born between 1981 – 1995 who have a baby between 0- 30 months old with no known disability or medical condition. Other eligibility criteria provided upon voluntary registration. First-come, first served up to a total of 10 participants.

Offsets for Costs of time and effort:

$50.00

A high quality toy and board book for your baby A brochure about building your baby’s language

14 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LAFE Grass lecture cut short

Satisfaction

SATISFACTION EDITOR:

Jenna Maroney

icantgetno@thwuga.net

the r&b
the r&b

15

Friday,

November 18, 2016

zombies are not zombies after all

DICK DECAYED
DICK DECAYED

RESEARCHER OF DECAYING DICKS

Several years of research by uGA history faculty have culmi- nated with the determination that the hit AMC show “Te Walking Dead” is not a documentary, but in fact a work of fction. “Tis is def nitely a result no - body could have expected,” said Carlos Danger, Dean of uGA’s school of historical studies. “We certainly went into this project just hoping to con frm the age of the footage, maybe get a frmer timeline than we’d had in the past. Once our dating process started, it became clear pretty quickly that we were mislead about the nature of the footage.” Tough the seventh season of the hit drama began in Oct. 2016, Danger and his faculty ap- proached the project assuming that the show’s episodes were ac- tually a phased release of an exten- sive documentary. While none of the researchers could articulate when precisely they thought the events of “Te Walking Dead” might have oc- curred, there was consensus that the events were taking place in Georgia sometime in the past. “Te ‘episodes’ are f lmed on actual, physical f lm, which was part of our issue I think,” Danger said. “Tough the ‘characters’ are wearing modern clothes and oc- casionally drive modern vehicles, the quality of the f lm led us to be- lieve that it was from at least the early 2000s.” As was eventually concluded by the uGA team, “Te Walk- ing Dead” actually began airing in 2010 and is based on a comic

Photo courtesy of AMC
Photo courtesy of AMC

Real human sits next to a real human dressed as a zombie. We know. It’s shocking, but we have found that they are not, in fact, real zombies in GA. Boycott of ‘The Walking Dead’ to be held on Fri.

series of the same name which be- gan in 2003. All persons depicted in the show, including troubled leader Rick Grimes, are fctional and portrayed by actors. Te titular Walkers are the product of com- plicated special efects work, and are not actually people risen from the dead. Georgia is a real state, however, and the show does make referenc-

es to true aspects of living there. “You can tell by their accents, as well as by some references to At- lanta, that it takes place in Geor- gia to some extent,” added fellow researcher Marty Baum. “After a few installments we discovered a small component of the end cred- its that says ‘f lmed on location in Georgia’ and has a little peach icon. We took that as a con frma- tion of our initial hypothesis, but

still couldn’t work out when this could have happened.” When asked what the research- es made of the rest of the end credits, which list actors and those involved with the show’s produc- tion and fctional storyline, Baum abruptly requested that the inter- view not continue. “I mean, I’m def nitely relieved that it turned out to be fake,” Danger said. “I couldn’t remem-

ber something like that ever hap- pening before, and I’m 65. What if we’d all missed some- thing big? What if, while the gov- ernment was telling us the econ- omy was crashing in 2008, the South was actually being overrun by the undead? Just imagine the implications of that for a moment it’s huge, it’d be unprecedented.” Danger and his research team were aided by a student group comprised of thirteen f lm studies majors, as well as a single politica science major looking for research experience and a human corpse. “We actually traced my heri- tage back and I’m descended from Rick and Lori Grimes,” said an anonymous f lm studies student “I had a really hard time digesting this as a result, but I know tha somewhere Papa Rick and Nana Lori are proud tha we’ve f nally dis- covered the truth. I only hope we can use this knowledge to pre- vent what hap- pened to them from ever happen- ing again.” “I’m relieved, to tell you the truth,” said another student. “I was really troubling to me tha something like this could have happened in Georgia not so long ago, and it was making me really nervous. Now that I know it’s fake I’m not really sure what the point is but I also know that I’m going to heaven still because I didn’t actu- ally watch people die on camera.” “Mmphrgh,” said the human corpse. “Ggmmgrphrng, gmprph- gh. Nrrrghnmp.”

U[sic]GA actually pussies

Satisfaction SATISFACTION EDITOR: Jenna Maroney icantgetno@thwuga.net the r&b 15 Friday, November 18, 2016 zombies are not
PUSS Y. LICKER OF THINGS
PUSS Y.
LICKER OF
THINGS

my

girlfriend gs play. Those

or

my

cousin asses in Atlanta

(they are the should give me

same bitch). I tried to watch a

the HOPE schol arship just for

One

mother

damn movie last living in Athens,

fucking

shit

night but could

the best fuck

storm after an

not understand

ing city on the

other happened the

fuck damn earth. I

on

this

damn

ing words. The

will never make

day. That cunt bloody

British it out of this

cut me off on talk

so

shit place,

and

I

the way to class

tily, why can’t

could

not

be

with his shitty

they

just

say

happier than a

tractor. Jesus

y’all and ain’t?

damn damsel in

fucking Christ, Last night af distress.

 

why is this ass ter I went out

Most

mornings

hole professor

for

road

I wake up hun

asking us to do

kill

barbecue gover and the

actual

god and

holy

shit cunt

downstairs

damn homework? it was so deli actually

goes

I am going to cious. Later I to class and it

go

home

and fell asleep in wakes

me

up.

get shit faced the back seat He and all the

because it’s a of

my

moth

fucking

Tues tiful

beau other goddamn erfuckers

who

day.

truck and had aren’t like me

That bastard

a dream that I

should

go

to

insulted

 

my

fucked Miran

hell. I love my

camo

jumpsuit da Lambert.

 

fucking shot

today.

But

I

Every

fuck gun

and

sec

am so fucking ing day should ond

amendment

 
// SATISFACTION
// SATISFACTION
// SATISFACTION

// SATISFACTION

16 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

16 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
 
16 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
// SATISFACTION 16 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA Boom bang pop crash

Boom bang pop crash

GENERAL COX
GENERAL COX

CHIEF BLOWER (UP OF THINGS)

With another great installment in the fan favorite frst person shooter genre, Activision’s Battle- feld does a wonderful job rein- venting itself. Once again, I got to take control of an average build, middle-aged soldier, try my best to take creatively named control points A and B, and do my best to fgure out how to fy a plane. Who the hell uses stupid upside-down controls? When I push up, trees get bigger, and when I push down the trees get smaller. Te military surely doesn’t uti- lize such a bizarre control scheme in real life. Running through beautifully rendered trenches, woods, and beaches, and des- perately trying to f nd the damn shotgun user who keeps killing me when I round a corner. Sadly, there is always a squad of people who are killing me with the damn overpowered shotguns, but I have faith that Bethesda will patch this in the next update. Hopefully they just remove shotguns, because no one likes them, and they clearly didn’t exist in the time frame. Sadly, it seems that From Software decided to remove one of their most accredited options from Battlefeld. Nazi Zombies, a staple in the game series, is sadly

lacking as a whole. Known for

inspiring all other types of horde battles, this game mode saw gam- ers fghting of round of robots in order to defend the earth from Ultron. Once again, other media pulls from Battlefeld blatantly, but who can blame them. Te cam- paign is another wonderfully crafted form of fction, telling the story of a soldier fghting through a nightmarish wasteland called… Europe. Interestingly, Valve ofers micro-transactions that allow for the gamers to gain access to the “Allies Power Pack.” While not traditionally liking micro-trans- actions, the notion of gaining ac- cess to such great countries is a wonderful idea. Nintendo’s Battlefeld 1 does a fairly good job at competing with Blizzard’s Call of Duty. While COD typically draws in good numbers, it seems people are f- nally realizing that the game does NOT in fact have anything to do with fshing for cods. With a growing number of disinterested gamers, Battlefeld swooped in and claimed many of them for their own game. While not quite a perfect game, Battlefeld does a great job creating a fctional war for gamers to become invested in, and feel a connection to. Now, if only EA could produce a good frst person shooter ...

Drugs destroy and ruin millions of lives every year. What should YOU know about them? Drugfreeworld.org
Drugs destroy and ruin millions of
lives every year.
What should YOU know about them?
Drugfreeworld.org
// SATISFACTION
// SATISFACTION
// SATISFACTION TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 17 Trolls are Real MADAME
// SATISFACTION TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 17 Trolls are Real MADAME

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 17

Trolls are Real MADAME GLITTER-SPARKLES QUEEN OF GLITZ & GLAM u[sic]ga scientists just discovered that the
Trolls
are
Real
MADAME GLITTER-SPARKLES
QUEEN OF GLITZ & GLAM
u[sic]ga scientists just discovered that
the childhood toys called Trolls are actu-
ally real. Tey discovered this after seeing
the excellently executed documentary aptly
named, “Trolls.” Te bergens, which were also
formerly unknown, used to eat the trolls in or-
der to gain happiness. u[sic]ga students would like
to help the trolls by raising money to update Bergen
Town, so they can be happier and never rely on Trolls
again. Any donations would be appreciated. Tey have
also put together a group of adventurers to go questing
to f nd the true location of the Troll Tree. Te location in
relation to Athens, GA was sadly left out of the documen-
tary, so this group will do just that. Some students were also
very confused as to why the two main trolls in the documen-
tary sounded exactly like Anna Kendrick and Justin Tim-
berlake. T is was never explained, but people think it is just
a coincidence. Tese trolls are very talented and secretly the
squad will record their songs and make millions of dollars
from them.
Design by GOD
// SATISFACTION TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 17 Trolls are Real MADAME
18 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // COMICS Sudoku Level: Impossible A-MAZE-ING
18 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
// COMICS
Sudoku Level: Impossible
A-MAZE-ING
// COMICS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 19 3 2 1 2
// COMICS
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 19
3
2
1
2
3
1
3
1
2
2
1
3
1
1
3
1
1
2
3
2
3
3
3
1
2
2
COLOR BY
3
NUMBER*
3
1 - Black
2 - Black
2
3
3 - Black
1
*Disclaimer wanted to include more numbers, but
students can only count to three
 
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 21
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 21

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 21

 
// XXOO
// XXOO
   

‘Hedging’ their bets: Flora fnally rule Sanford

EMERIL AYALS
EMERIL AYALS

FOLLOW ME BACK ON INSTA

After a dismal football perfor- mance this season, the admin- istrators at u[sic]ga have made a monumental decision: to let the famous hedges reclaim Sanford Stadium. “We have no use for the sta- dium anymore,” said head Dwags coach, Kirby Smart. “We aren’t winning, and we might as well stop misusing valuable planting land. Tink of all the corn we can grow in its place.” Former Dwag coach Vince Dooley is absolutely delighted. Known for his green thumb and taking u[sic]Ga’s gardening class- es, Dooley said, “Finally! We can represent the school for what we really pride — our agriculture. Tink of all the plants that we can put on the feld instead of turf.” “Plus, the hedges in place aren’t even the original ones any- ways,” Dooley scofed. “We threw

out the original ones during the

Olympics because they were suf-

fering from worm infestations, like most of our students are.” Letting the beloved hedges spread outside of their current bounds would not be terribly dif- fcult. Te “Hedges II” are Privet Ligustrums, and much like their student counterparts, are already considered a weed by all those outside of Dwag country. When longtime caretaker Wull Sheep heard the news, he prompt- ly burst into tears of joy. “No more maintenance for an uncontainable plant,” he cried. “My teeth can f- nally have a break.” Tis comes at a perfect time for Mr. Sheep as he is due to wed an- other longtime u[sic]Ga student in the near future. Te hedges will be freed on Nov. 26. It is expected that they will roam free, spreading their remarkable genes to lawns and manure piles across the Clarke County area - and one day, per- haps beyond.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 18, 2016 • 21 // XXOO ‘Hedging’ their bets: Flora

Photo courtesy of Transcendalists everywhere

An artist’s rendition of what Sanford Stadium will look like within approximately 5 to 10 years. While u(sic)ga may no longer have a playing field, it could have a source of sustainable produce.

u(sic)ga

THARS HEBLOWS
THARS HEBLOWS

YES I KNOW MY NAME IS A REFERENCE

In a stunning revelation earlier this week, members of the UGA Swim/Dive team accidentally discovered that human beings can foat in water — a f nding with tremendous implications for the future of the esteemed team. Siobhan Connolly, UGA alum credited with the founding of the UGA Swim/Dive team, Te Glen- dale Bulbs, explained the motive behind the creation of the team. “As students facing the job world with a degree from UGA, we quickly realized one of our best

swim

team

learns

to

swim

options for making money would

be to win the CBS game show ‘Survivor,’ which involves plenty of challenges in the water. A group of us got together to begin train- ing for swimming challenges, and the Glendale Bulbs were born.” Since its formation in 2008, the Glendale Bulbs have set the record for the highest number of disquali fcations for any team on the competitive swimming and diving circuit, with 95% of reg- istered competitors disqualifying themselves by refusing to leave the diving board. Chapman Lacy, 3rd year Econ student, single-handed- ly comprises the 5% of successful- ly completed swim meets, and is

also responsible for the accidental

discovery by his teammates of the human ability to foat. “I’ve spent the last 3 years try- ing to convince my teammates that they won’t instantly drown if they get into the water,” Lacy says. “It’s been horribly frustrating. Imagine going to swim practice in a gym, nowhere near a pool, and watching your team imitate dif- ferent swim strokes on a basket- ball court. I f nally lost it, and told the team that Parvati Shallow, UGA alum and winner of ‘Survi- vor: Micronesia,’ would be at the pool. She’s like their idol, so they agreed to meet near the water.” Patrick Smith, fourth-year

Political Science major, describes

his excitement at the prospect of meeting Shallow. “I mean, we’re all on the swim team to try and win the million dollar prize on ‘Survivor,’ and Parvati has already achieved our dream. I changed my out ft like seven times.” “When I found out Chapman lied about Parvati being there, I cried,” says Sarika Murkha, third-year Philosophy major. “I wasn’t mad, just really really really pissed. So when Crystal Jeferies ran at Chapman, I didn’t even think. I followed him, and next thing I know, I am in the pool.” “It was really scary, that mo - ment I realized I’d lost my bal-

ance and would be in the very water I’ve been preparing to face for years. “ Horri fed, the rest of the team watched prepared themselves for the worst. “Tose seconds I was sinking in water deeper than I’d ever been in before will haunt me forever,” Murkha says. “But then, suddenly, I found myself at the surface. Imagine my shock! Here I am, unable to touch the bottom of the pool, but I’m not drowning instantly like I thought I would. When I looked around and saw that Chapman and Jefer- ies were also foating, that’s when I knew we’d discovered something special.”

22 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // XXOO Jacob Eason loses hair
22 • November 18, 2016 • TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
// XXOO
Jacob
Eason
loses
hair
in
UGA
lands
freak conditioning accident!
Stalker,
frst
ever
six-star
recruit
ROMAN GAINES
TOUPEE ANALYST
BEL MYPER, JR.
Tragedy has struck in Athens.
Star freshman quarterback Ja-
cob Eason has lost all of his hair
in freak conditioning accident.
Eason is known for his hair and
News spread quickly this Turs-
day as Eason was spotted in class
sporting his “Make America
Great Again” hat trying to cover
his new bald head. Rumors of Ea-
son getting kidnapped by Florida
fans and shaved of were quickly
debunked. Georgia fans have been
wondering all week why and how
this occurred and 20 Georgia
teens have announced they have
quit twitter after hearing the Ea-
son news.
Te Red and Wack was able to
sit down with Eason and con frm
the freak conditioning accident.
“After a night out at Atlanta’s
famous bar, ‘Bulldogs,’ I came
back to Athens and showered be-
fore bed,” Eason said. “I woke up
the next morning and was *******
bald. Never in my life have I been
so disappointed.”
Eason who is a strong advocate
of women’s conditioner acciden-
tally purchased Nair hair removal
cream instead of his usual brand.
It was a costly mistake as Ea-
son notoriously long curls will no
longer be seen. Some have con-
COLLEGE MOCK DRAFTER
Tis story brought to you by im-
inlove.com — because we all need
to pretend we’re looking for love
somewhere outside of our family
members’ bedrooms. iminlove.com:
the perfect cover for your incestuous
thoughts, since they don’t seem to be
welcome outside of Clarke County.
Photo courtesy of Roman Gaine
An
unedited
photo
of
Dwags
signal-caller
Jacob
Eason
as
he
walks
into
a
stadium
before
a
football
game.
templated about how this will af-
fect Eason’s play, but senior Sanjay
Siri-Dan is expecting the exact
opposite to occur.
“Eason is undoubtedly the
greatest freshman quarterback of
all time. Him going bald is a sign.
A sign that he will join other great
bald athletes like Michael Jordan
and become the very best football
player of all time,” Siri-Dan said.
“Next year when Eason wins
the Heisman and the Dawgs are
in the playof s, this will be the
moment fans will look back on as
the turning point. Woof! Woof!
Go Dawgs!”
What a day it will be for Dwags
fans and Americans in general.
For we all know the red in “red,
white and blue,” stands for noth-
ing more than u(sic)ga’s glory.
For the frst time ever, u[sic]ga
has signed a 6-star recruit. Yes, a
SIX-STAR RECRUIT!!! After
beating out Bama and USC, the
Dwags signed 6-star running
back Hershey Stalker. Hershey
hails from the great state of Mis-
sissippi and chose the Dawgs for
their family atmosphere, party
life, and the white women.
After six straight struggling
top 10 recruiting classes, the
Dawgs are f nally in position to
f nish with a top 3 recruiting class.
Tis year’s team was talent de-
prived and lacking the star power
it needed. Former coach Richt left
the cupboard completely bare.
Coach Kirby Smart has quickly
addressed Richt’s failures as a re-
cruiter and this Dawgs program
will f nally have the talent it needs
to compete at a national level.
Stalker was given the elite sta-
tus of 6 stars after his commit-
ment to UGA.
“Stalker, was always heralded
as one of the top 5-star players
in country, but after reviewing
70 more hours of game f lm he
proved he was 6-star worthy,” said
365sports.com recruiting director
Johnny Gruden.
Stalker will be able to step in
f nally provide some production
at the running back position. Tis
year’s team is only averaging 4.3
yards per carry, which is down
from last year’s 5.1 and 2014’s
6.0. Given Stalker 6-star status
he should be able to get that up to
about 6.9 yards per carry.
Georgia fans are ecstatic for
the future with Peppers toting the
rock next season.
“SIX STARS. We beat out
Bama for a recruit. Te great-
est recruit in history is gonna be
a dawg. Glory days will be back
again. Dawgs will be riding on
top next season.
Despite this success, Alabama
fan Phyllis of Mulga, Ala., best
known for her appearances on
Paul Finebaum’s ESPN show, was
less than impressed.
“Sure, the Dwags may have
gotten a six-star recruit, but
DON’T YOU DARE CLAIM
THE BAMA DYNASTY IS
DEAD. NICK SABAN IS JESUS
CHRIST INCARNATE.”
XXOO EDITOR: XXOO Kenneth Parcell ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR: Other NBC Pages xxoo@thwuga.net
XXOO EDITOR:
XXOO
Kenneth Parcell
ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR:
Other NBC Pages
xxoo@thwuga.net

If you can read this

Please let me out. I'm damn serious. They keep on making me write for this god-forsaken AH PLS STOP423

the r&b
the r&b

24

Friday, November 18, 2016

‘Smart’ decision: Burger joint opens in Athens

THE HAMBURGLAR
THE HAMBURGLAR

HEAD FRY COOK

Editor’s note: Te use of ‘smart’ in the above headline is a reference to the last name of u(sic)ga Head Coach Kirbylicious ‘Kirby’ Smart. We are in no way implying that anyone involved with this business dealing is actually intelligent; doing so would violate our contract with Krystal, which is kind enough to provide liquid grease to all of our staf meetings. Krystal: What culi- nary nightmares are made of! We also defnitely apologize for making people sad by using puns.

Tis past Monday, at his week- ly press conference, coach Kirby Smart announced the grand opening of his new Checkers Franchise. “I’m very excited to announce this new business venture,” Smart said, “it gives me a sense of job se- curity I haven’t really felt all year.” When asked when and how this decision came about, Smart re- sponded, “Tis has been a dream of mine my entire life, and I’ve been going through a little bit of a midlife crisis so I fgured now was the best time to fgure it all out.” After the press conference many a bulldwag fan shared their thoughts on the matter on so - cial media. One user on twitter with the handle ‘CuzinLuver69’ said, “I can’t wait to visit Kirby’s Checkers, I bet the burgers are

just as good as our football team!”

Others were no so excited by the news: Bud Weiser wrote the fol- lowing on Kirby Smart’s facebook page, “Mayb if u wernt so focussed on opening ur stoopid burger place we could of beaten those doggamn commodurs on home- coming!” Needless to say, the news isn’t necessarily surprising. Smart has mentioned at every possible time that his favorite saying is ‘Dress for the job you want, not the one you have’. In addition, many play- ers have recounted walking into Smart’s ofce unannounced only to f nd him walking through pos- sible customer service situations. Junior running back Nick Chubb remembers the frst time he saw Smart doing this, “I walked in and I dun see coach sittin there talkin to the air ‘bout ‘I’m sorry sir but the buy one burger, get one free is only on “Sexy Sister Satur- day” and only if you bring your sister in with you.” Other players recount the pre- game speech Smart gave for the Florida game. Many defensive linemen mentioned that Smart told them that they, “have to stay on the grills all game, we can’t let them burn us,” and, “we’ve gotta go through orders fast otherwise they’ll stack the lines against us”. According to Burger Joints of America (BJA), Smart’s franchise starts ranked No. 13 in the coun- try, a spot it will no doubt hold

XXOO EDITOR: XXOO Kenneth Parcell ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR: Other NBC Pages xxoo@thwuga.net If you can read

Image of Kirby Smart courtesy of UGA Athletics Facebook page

Kirby Smart stands outside of his Checkers franchise. The location, like the football team he runs, opens with high expectations as it competes against prestigious Clarke County fast food outlets.

save for a few tough weeks. Inci- dentally, u(sic)ga rival and FCS powerhouse Nicholls State has

also opened a location. Overall, the rami fcations of this decision remain to be seen,

but one thing is certain. Nothing goes together quite like mediocre football and mediocre burgers.

Genetics

lab

faces

frst

test:

clone

Saban

DOLLY TASHIEP UNPAID INTERN (ILLEGAL? NAH)
DOLLY TASHIEP
UNPAID INTERN (ILLEGAL? NAH)

Dissatisfed with the luke- warm performance of frst-year head coach and burger a fcionado Kirby Smart, researchers at u(sic) GA have earned a unique mission:

replicate Alabama head man and fve-time national champion Nick Saban. “We thought we basically had a mini Saban in Kirby,” said Bucky Smith, a fan whose family has a 100-year tradition of supporting the ‘Dawgs and whose son will be a frst-generation college student. “Hell, all the newspapers were saying he had Saban’s DNA. “I mean, I didn’t want to really think about how that happened. But I assumed that Kirby would start taking us to national cham- pionships right away! Now I have to burn my Kirby efgy, like, two years earlier than I had planned.” Te process seems to be un- clear. It is reportedly compli- cated by the fact that the U[sic] GA faculty has no members with advanced science degrees, prefer- ring instead to focus on rewarding

XXOO EDITOR: XXOO Kenneth Parcell ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR: Other NBC Pages xxoo@thwuga.net If you can read

a few nonbelievers. “Look, I’m new to this whole science thing, but I know that every action has to have an equal and opposite retraction,” said sophomore Industrial Architec- ture Criticism major Syan Beige. “And if Saban is gonna roll over us every time we luck our way out of the SEC East, then you’re damn right we’re going to fght back.” A few u(sic)GA faithful, though, admit that they would be jarred should the experiment suc- ceed. “Whatever would I do with my ‘Saban = Satan’ sign I wave around whenever ESPN acciden- tally brings College GameDay to Athens?” asked 87-year old Clarke County resident Bathilda Sum- mers. “But look, I need us to win a national championship soon, be- cause my time is running out,” she added. “I jumped on the ‘Dawgs’ bandwagon back in the Herschel Walker era, and the team has treated me like crap ever since. [Former u(sic)GA Coach] Mark Richt and Kirby Smart seem like nice, God-fearing men, and I’m sure they treat the kids real good.