Everyday, | have to relive my worst nightmare, over and over again. On the morning of July 17" | woke up like any normal day, completely oblivious to the fact that the very next day, my life would change. Work was like any other day, nothing special happened. When | got home, | was tired and didn’t feel like going out. But, | made a commitment to my friends to celebrate a birthday. | ate dinner and had a nap hoping that would make me feel better. The night started like any other night out | had before. | hung out with my friends, had some drinks, and then nothing. Just black. Waking up Saturday morning, ! was the most scared I've ever been in my life. My phone was ringing, it was my sister. She was angry because | was supposed to have left to visit her 2 hours prior. | couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe, and when | started crying she knew something was wrong. She asked where | was, but | couldn’t answer her, she asked if | was okay, but | couldn’t answer her, she asked what had happened, but | couldn’t answer her. Her voice changed immediately, | could hear fear and concern, she told me to calm down and breathe. | told her what was happening. She went silent for a moment, and then she told me it was going to be okay, but nothing felt like it was going to be okay. My friends came to get me and I collapsed into their arms, | couldn't stop crying and | could barely breathe. They asked what | wanted to do. | was scared, | wasn’t sure what to do; what was the right thing to do? It all happened so fast, the police and the paramedics came to my house and checked my vitals, they asked me questions, but it is alla blur. Next thing | knew I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. | was sitting in the waiting room with my roommate for what felt like forever, waiting for something | did not want to do, waiting to be touched in more ways | did not want to be. The nurse brought me into the cold hospital room and asked me to change out of my clothes and put on a robe and informed me that | had to wait for a sexual assault nurse to come. At this point it still didn’t feel real what was happening. The nurse entered, she asked me again what had happened. At this point | had told so many strangers something so private, that | had been violated in the most personal way, in a way that no one should ever be violated. She proceeded to do a vaginal test in order to gather evidence. Beyond the trauma | endured from the previous evening, | now had to worry about possible sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy. This was beyond humiliating and terrifying. | just wanted to go home, | didn’t want to do this anymore. | wanted to wake up from this nightmare but | still haven’t. By the time | finished at the police station, it was after 6 o'clock. | had a two-hour drive home to my family. When | arrived, no one was home. | was thankful because | cried myself to sleep that night. The next day | had a family gathering and the last thing | felt like doing was going to a party where | had to pretend to be happy and myself. Throughout the day | would burst into tears for no reason and my family kept asking “What's the matter? Are you okay?” My response was “Yes | am just tired.” But they knew something was wrong. When | got back to Toronto that evening | received multiple texts saying “Is everything okay? You were not yourself today.” It broke my heart that they were concerned about me and they didn’t even know why. | couldn’t bring myself to tell them what had happened. | was embarrassed, | thought they would be ashamed of me because | was ashamed of myself. How could | be so stupid? How could I et this happen? How did I let this stranger do this to me? All of these questions running through my head. That night started off like any other night, but why did it end so differently than all of the others?On Monday morning | went to work and tried to act like nothing had happened. But in truth, was a completely different person than | was on the previous Friday. | was quiet, | was stand-offish, gave one word answers if asked a question, | wasn’t contributing to the meetings. | wasn’t myself. When, Ieft mid-morning to meet clients, again | received messages asking if | was okay because | wasn’t acting like myself, people were noticing that something wasn’t right and it upset me. | drove to my first meeting and couldn't go in so | rescheduled all my meetings and planned to go home. Then | received a call from the police asking me to come to the station. | called my boss and told him | had an emergency, When | got to the police station, | sat down with the same detectives that took my statement and was told they had made an arrest and asked me if | knew who Moazzam Tariq was. | had never heard that name before in my life, other than “Mr. Tariq” from the hotel concierge the morning of the incident. | stopped going to clubs, | stopped drinking, | stopped hanging out with my friends, | stopped going out, | pulled back from my family, | stopped being myself. | was scared to go out other than work. | was scared to talk to my friends because | didn’t know if | could hold myself together, | didn’t want to tell them in case they would blame me and tell me it was my fault that this happened to me. | was scared to tell my family because | saw how concerned they were when they saw me upset and they didn’t know why. | couldn’t imagine what they would do if they actually knew the truth. | asked my sister to tell some of my family members because | couldn't bear to see the pain in their eyes. What they told me after they found out shocked me. They were proud of me, thought | was brave, and that my strength inspired them. | did not feel any of those things. | felt like a coward because I was scared to leave my house. | felt weak because | couldn’t tell them how much this was upsetting me. | felt unsure because | didn’t know what to expect. ‘About a month later, | received a call saying that the incident was going to be released in the news. I was scared that people would know that the girl in the article who had been violated was me and that my name would be everywhere. People who were close to me that | hadn’t told would know and | would feel humiliated all over again. | avoided all TVs, radios, and newspapers that week because | was terrified to see the man that assaulted me for the first time. | was scared it was going to bring back memories of that horrific night that | could not remember. A friend of mine called me and said she saw it on the news while she was getting her nails done. | was scared of almost all men who | didn’t know after this. They were all predators to me. If someone would try to talk to me | wouldn’t answer because | was scared. One of my mentors advised me to face the picture of my assaulter because it wasn’t fair to be afraid of innocent people when it was only one man that haunted my thoughts. For months there weren't any updates, so when I got a call in December that the case was going to trial, a wave of emotion hit me and knocked me down all at once. Any progress | made was immediately reversed. | crawled right back into that person who was quiet, scared, and stand-offish; that person | had worked so hard for months not to be. | struggled to get back to the person | was before the incident, but | knew I would never be the same, no matter how hard | tried. This is when my performance and output at work started to change, which affected my livelihood. When your performance dips as a sales representative so does your pay check. Again, | started to pull away from my family and friends when | needed them the most because | knew that the obstacles I was about to face were going to be the hardest part of it all, having to relive my nightmare over and over again.after found outthe case W2S Boing to tial, knew had to build up the courage to tell my mom had happened. | was terrified. How do you tell a mother that her daughter has been violated in the what had rap sibe, that one night has changed her life forever? | did not want to disappoint my Ga anealaes see her hurt, but | knew | had to tell her. My sister was there with me for support sii I could faceitalone. | could physically see how the news broke her heart, but she was strong and told me that she supported me, no matter what. ‘My dad has always been someone who I can count on, We don't have any secrets from each other other than this. I couldn't bring myself to tell my dad what happened to me because | didn’t want to break his heart as well The fact that | am dealing with this pain every day, and I can’t even tell him that | need him breaks my heart, but | would rather it be just my heart hurting than his too. | feel ashamed about what happened even though | know logically | shouldn't because it is not my fault. In my heart | still feel shame and humiliation, and you did that to me. Just when | thought | knew everything, | got a call from the police asking me to come back into the station as they had new evidence that they needed to discuss with me. | had no idea what this could be. | was scared and nervous so | brought my best friend with me. | am beyond grateful | did. The detective said we are going to show you a video of you at the Everleigh Nightclub. | was very confused and responded, “| wasn’t at Everleigh that night.” | had no idea what | was about to watch. In the video the girl looked like me but it was not me. She was smoking, she was dancing with strangers, and she was doing shots out of the bottle. Things | would never do. Watching this caused my friend and myself to get very upset. Everything on the video was disturbing. Seeing her emotional response made it all the more real. It was like watching a distressing program on television but then realizing that it is you. | had to take the next day off work because it upset me so much. | didn’t want to be that person that couldn't get out of bed because they couldn’t pull themself together, but that particular morning | was. Days leading up to the trial it was all | could think of. How am | going to tell a room full of strangers what happened to me? Am | going to answer the questions properly? Am I going to miss anything? Am | going to feel attacked? Am | going to cry? Is it okay to cry on the stand? All these questions and so many more ran through my head. The morning of the trial | couldn’t breathe. | was hyperventilating. | couldn’t see because my eyes were so swollen from crying. | didn’t want to do it. My sister and my cousin had to physically pick me up and help me get ready. But that day and the next I did something most people are too afraid to do, | stood up to my assaulter and | won. So many things didn’t make sense to me from that night, especially after watching the video surveillance footage from the hotel. Multiple people gave us a second look while we walked into the hotel, while we checked in, while we left the elevator. Why did no one stop to say anything? Why did the person working at the hotel allow him to sign for me? Why wasn’t that a red flag in her mind? Did she not find it weird that we were not talking at all? If even one person stopped to ask if | was okay, this might not have happened. | will never know. But now when | see someone who is so intoxicated they can barely walk being carried away | always ask if they are okay. You never know if the person with them is a predator. If so, you have the opportunity to save that person from a horrific thing that happens far too often. | would never want someone to feel the way | have or go through what | did,ve mentioned a number of times now how that night changed my life. What was meant to be a completely normal night out with friends has now changed who | am as a person and will forever affect me. You made me feel ashamed, you made me feel unsafe, violated in the worst way, like | had done something to deserve this. And for a while, | felt like it was my fault. | felt like, maybe | should have just stayed home that night, maybe | should not have celebrated the birthday with my friends. You took so much away from me that night, you took from me the most valuable things a person has; you took away my dignity and my self-worth. But what | have learned is that what you did will not break me. | will no longer let your actions define me. | have learned that no matter how depressed, how awful or ashamed I feel or how embarrassed | am, have a family who love me unconditionally and will stand by my side no matter what. | have friends who will help pick me up from my deepest darkest days and hold me up until | can get through it myself. | am a successful woman in business despite so many mornings where | was ready to throw in the towel, curl up in a ball, and not leave my bed. But you did not break me. I've learned | am a strong, independent woman and that even when faced with the most difficult of challenges can rise to the top; that I can be the best Sister, Daughter, Niece, Cousin, and Friend regardless of the hardships | am facing. The last year and a half has been the most difficult of my entire life. But if this trial and the words I've shared today can protect just one girl from you | would consider it a success. You did not break me.