Is Asking for Forgiveness

Rather Than Asking for

Permission a Helpful
Practice?
By
Robert Grice, PhD., LPC

A common tactic that can destroy your marriage

Barry and Susan have been married for 10 years. The two have a good marriage
overall. They both report a high level of commitment to the marriage. Both report a
sufficient level of compatibility. They expressed satisfaction in their sex life. There was only
one major problem in their relationship a lack of teamwork in making decisions.
Susan wanted to save money for a new family vehicle. The couple had three children
and the family was quickly outgrowing the current family vehicle. Barry was fine with
saving, but he found it almost impossible to turn down what he believed was a bargain
especially if he wanted the item.
Barry was a good husband and father. Barry and Susan had a high level of
commitment to marriage and were satisfied for the most part with the marriage. However,
satisfaction had been in decline over the past few months. Barry received a pay increase at
work and rather than putting the money towards the purchase of a new car, a buddy
offered him a great deal on a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Barry wanted the motorcycle
and the deal seemed to be too good to ignore.
Barry and Susan had frequent arguments over money in recent months. Wanting to
avoid conflict, Barry decided that it would be easier to ask for forgiveness rather than
permission. Barry decided to use the tactic again in buying the motorcycle. Barry and Susan
were anticipating a romantic weekend in a few days so he asked his buddy to store the
motorcycle until they returned. Barry did not want his purchase to spoil their weekend.
Barry might have escaped detection prior to the special weekend except that his
buddys wife called Susan. She told Susan about the purchase and asked if Susan wanted to
buy her riding gear. Susan declined and turned her attention to Barry.
The two had a major fight. Susan was so angry that she packed a few items and took
the children to her parents home for a few days. The romantic weekend was off. The
incident was the final straw for Susan and she insisted the two seek marital counseling.
Barry made a number of mistakes. He was deceptive. He was self-centered. But,
research has found that he was guilty of something much worse. Barry made a decision
without conferring with his wife. We could call this a lack of teamwork. Divorce research
has found that absence of joint planning is predictive of divorce over time regardless of the
variables (e.g., high marital commitment) that would normally reduce the likelihood of
divorce.

Research
Researchers Judith Gere, David Almeida, and Lynn Martire surveyed 2801 couples
for a 10-year period.1 The researchers found a 19% increase in the likelihood of divorce
when couples failed to do one thing - make plans together. The effect of this variable was
not reduced by the presence of other factors that often reduce the likelihood of divorce like
high marital satisfaction, high levels of commitment, and positive views of compatibility.
The researchers found that the failure to plan together produced a corrosive effect
over time. The positive factors like high marital satisfaction and commitment decreased
rather than reducing the impact of not planning together. When looking only at the variable
of failure to plan jointly, the researchers found that with each check-in period during the
study an increase in failure to plan jointly resulted in a 46% increase in the likelihood of
divorce.
The Point
The saying, Its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission may work in some
settings, but the practice can be devastating to a marriage. Marriage is a partnership. The
partners need to work together in planning and decision-making. Working together
provides an opportunity for communication and collaboration. Effective communication
and collaboration contribute to the development of intimacy. So, learn from Barrys
mistake. Work together. Your marriage may depend on it
Dr. Grice is a licensed professional counselor at Cogito Mental Health Services in Dothan, AL.

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0163543

Questions
1. How well do you work together with your spouse?

2. Do the two of your make plans and decisions together?

3. Are there areas of your marriage that need more collaboration and joint planning?

4. What obstacles seem to prevent the two of you from working together?

5. What can the two of you do to improve your teamwork?