The New Indian Express
Saturday, May 8, 2010
zeitgeist
Your Saturday
Magazine
Practically
Marzipan
Aishwarya Subramanian
A phone
book of
voidable
friends
L
ike most women (and for all
I know most men) I occasion-
ally find myself cornered
without the possibility of polite
escape by someone whose compa-
ny I definitely do not desire. Some
people are loud and annoying;
some boring; some drunk. Some
are men who have clearly not mas-
tered the concept of personal
space, and who think that breath-
ing on a person is a valuable means
of communication. One was a
young man at a party who spent
the twenty minutes or so it took
me to escape him talking to my
breasts, finally inviting them (I as-
sume he cannot have meant to ask
their owner, since he was ignoring
me entirely and had no way of
knowing if I had any kind of musi-
cal talent) to join his rock band.
Some people physically cut off
your communication with a casu-
ally but strategically placed arm.
And all of these people want to
give you their phone numbers, and
finally you succumb and store
them in your phone.
Choosing not to store these
numbers is a road fraught with
peril. Three days later you will
receive a call from an unknown
number, and of course it will
turn out to be the annoying
person you met, and whose
number you recklessly de-
leted. The question who
is this? will lead to in-
jured accusations (I
thought youd saved my
number) and ques-
tions (why didnt you
save it when I gave it
to you?) pretend-
ing you lost the num-
ber will only set off
the whole cycle, if you
choose not to save it
this time, you can
hardly keep using that
excuse indefinitely. If
youre the sort of per-
son who shrinks from
rudeness, this is a diffi-
cult situation to get out of,
and even if you are okay
with being rude (I deleted
your number because you are
boorish/ I never want to see you
again/ your presence makes me
feel physically ill) people are
quite likely to demand explana-
tions as to why you feel that way.
Its a no-win situation.
Which is why for many years
now I have been saving numbers
religiously, whoever sends me
them. In my phone book I leave
little warning notes to myself so
that I know when not to pick up
the phone. For a long time I
thought I was alone in this, but
have recently discovered a face-
book group for people who do just
this (to be fair, theres a facebook
group for every conceivable mi-
nority). And yet, this brings me to
another problem.
I have retained my current
phone number since I was sixteen.
As a result there are close on a
decades worth of numbers in
there, including those people with
the warning signs. And sometimes
its hard to remember who some-
one is and what they did to make
me dislike them.
And so for the past six months
I have been increasingly bewil-
dered by a particular young man
let us call him Amit for the
sake of this article. Amit is saved
on my phone as Amit (avoid).
And so when Amit calls me a
couple of times a week, when he
randomly wishes me well on Val-
entines day, and when he sends
me passive-aggressive messages,
I find myself bewildered and
wildly curious. Which Amit is
this? Was it his dogged persis-
tence that first repelled me? I am
tempted to pick up the phone and
ask these questions, but I am re-
solved to be strong.
(Names changed to protect the
annoying).
The writer is a student of English
literature. She blogs at
http://bluelullaby.blogspot.com.
bluelullaby@gmail.com
I wonder if Donald Duck is the cartoon embodiment of the Real Indian Woman.
Because a Real Indian Woman would never wear pants or shorts
Should Mickey tell Donald
to put some pants on?
K
: Happy Bird Day!
S: Its not my birthday.
K: Not birthday, Bird Day. Its your
Happy Bird Day. Its your day of happy birds.
Birds are just like you and me except they all
have wings.
S: Are you always this high when you come
back from the dentist?
K: Yes. I dont know how drug addicts man-
age it, being high is extremely exhausting for
me. And disorientating. Disorienticorating.
S: That sounds painful.
K: Why is orient in the word disorient?
Does it mean that all oriental people are lost?
Isnt that racist?
S: I think you should lie down and not talk
on the phone for a while.
K: Youre right. Call you later.
MMM
K: Did you know that full without means
completely naked in Tamil?
S: Full and without are English words,
no?
K: Yes.
S: How can it mean something in Tamil if
its in English?
illustration:
tuhin chakraborty
A big recruitment game in the name of cricket
Y
ouTubes recruitment drive about
two weeks ago bowled over Indians
in the Valley. Departing from norm,
job aspirants did not turn up in but-
ton down formals, there was no deluge of
rsums, and interviews were conducted
with cricket commentary buzzing in the
background. Setting an unbelievable prece-
dent YouTube, headquartered at San Bruno,
hosted a job fair in the area and enticed po-
tential recruits in the desi populated region
with the one thing few Indians can refuse,
live streaming of a cricket game. In this case,
the IPL final between Mumbai Indians and
Chennai Super Kings.
The cool website with hot ratings in Silicon
Valley scored heavily with desis by inviting
a group of people to the event which YouTube
streamed live around the world. Job fair or
party? It had many a desi confused. What was
the main draw? Cricket? Authentic Indian
food and beer? Jobs? Turns out, all of the
above. There were jobs available if you man-
aged to loft the recruiters for a six with your
attitude and aptitude.
multiverse
K: Magic.
S: I thought you were supposed to be lying
down.
K: I am lying down. Ask me to explain the
magic.
Conversations
S: Youre not lying down somewhere weird,
are you?
K: In English, the phrase is kind of like an
oxymoron but not really.
S: Thats not an explanation.
K: Magic has no explanation.
Kuzhali Manickavel S: You are full without brain.
K: See that makes no sense. Because that
is the author of Insects Are Just Like You and implies that my brain is naked. Which it isnt.
Me Except Some of Them Have Wings. She Because brains cant be naked.
blogs at http://thirdworldghettovampire. S: Are you still high?
blogspot.com. K: Yes.
S: Maybe you should concentrate more on
lying down and less on talking on the
phone.
K: Ok. Call you later.
MMM
that simple fact doesnt begin to explain the
K: I just noticed something.
S: Yes?
K: Theres these birds in the birdbath.
S: And?
K: And they are all full without.
S: Theyre birds. Theyre allowed to be full
without.
K: But I think there are ladies birds and
gents birds bathing together. They must be
Western birds with no sense of Indian culture.
Thats why they are shamelessly bathing
together in the full without.
S: Bleddy Western birds!
K: These Western birds are roaming
around our country in full without and
corrupting our Indian bird youth.
Soon a Western ladies bird will get
raped by a corrupted Indian gents
bird.
S: I dont think birds rape each
other.
K: Shell get raped and ev-
eryone will blame her because
she is a Western ladies bird.
I feel sad for the Western la-
dies bird.
S: I think you need to go
lie down again.
K: Yeah. God I hate birds.
MMM
K: I thought you should
know that a lot of cartoon
characters are in half full with-
out. For example, Donald Duck
has a shirt and a cap but no
pants.
S: Maybe he doesnt like wearing
pants. Like Lady Gaga.
K: Mickey Mouse wears gloves
and shorts but no shirt. I think
he should tell Donald to put
some pants on, no?
S: Or at least some shorts.
K: I wonder if Donald Duck
is the cartoon embodiment of
the Real Indian Woman. Be-
cause a Real Indian Woman
would never wear pants, right?
Or shorts.
S: She would never, ever wear
shorts. Even if someone put a
gun to her head and said WEAR
THESE SHORTS!
K: I feel Donald Duck would not
have that same steely resolve. He
would probably wear shorts if his
life were at risk. What a weak West-
ern gents bird.
S: Those must have been very power-
ful drugs your dentist gave you.
K: I fear I may be high for a very long
time.
S: Please dont say that. I cant handle any-
more of these conversations.
K: No problem, Im going to go talk to the
full without Western birds. Maybe I can con-
vince them to put some clothes on.
Cricket aside, apparently, organisers want-
ed to impress potential recruits that they
were a cool firm to work for. They sure did.
Employees served as informal recruiters
donning a simple company T-shirt, blue
jeans with ID badges clipped to pockets and
sneakers. No suit, boot and tie, no forcing
candidates to answer interview questions
of how, what and why. Apparently, YouTubes
recruiting boiled down to simply explaining
the sites latest innovations. Then if
folks evinced interest in working for
YouTube or Google private tours of the build-
ing were arranged.
If the idea was to draw like-minded talent
to the YouTube and Google milieu the event
Silicon did well. I mean, who would not want to work
Tales for a company that lists relaxed as one of
the qualities it would like in its employee,
besides the regular traits like creative, hard-
Farwa Imam Ali working, yadda, yadda, yadda. If the recruit
is a journalist based in the US. and company thought they had a match, for-
silicontales@gmail.com malities would follow. But not until the crick-
et gala concluded YouTube insisted. Needless
to say, no true blood desi could turn down the
7
A Fine Line
Gitanjali Kolanad
is a Toronto-based dancer,
choreographer and writer.
gitakolanad@yahoo.ca
Display of
cleavage in
the time of
boobquake
B
reasts. That word got your atten-
tion, didnt it? Admit it. The only
reason youre still reading is in the
hopes that I have more to say on the
subject. Breasts feed babies, but
full extent of their attention-grabbing power.
Scientists dont have a final answer as to why
only human females among primates have
evolved such charming fatty deposits around
their mammary glands.
Being the proud owner of a pair myself,
with forty odd years of experience in their
care and maintenance, propping them up,
pushing them out and feeding two babies with
them, I thought I knew all I needed to know
about breasts. The only super-power I had ob-
served was the undeniable power of breasts
to sell just about anything cars, alcohol,
perfume, mens cologne, hair-styling products,
jeans, video games, french fries. I didnt know
about their effect on tectonic forces until Ho-
jatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, a senior Iranian
cleric, made the crucial connection: Many
women who do not dress modestly lead
young men astray, corrupt their chastity and
spread adultery in society, which (consequen
tly) increases earthquakes.
This is a testable hypothesis, so one scien-
tifically minded young woman called on wom-
en everywhere to test it, despite the risk that
cities might be destroyed in the process. Boob-
quake took place on April 26, with an abun-
dant display of cleavage. But it was a bust.
There was no perceptible increase in seismic
activity. It seems that on average there more
than 2000 earthquakes a day anyway, without
the interference of breast-flaunting women.
Still, some (men) are saying that its too early
to jump to conclusions, and more hard data
needs to be collected. Women should try it
again and again, until a statistically significant
sample can be collected. Purely in the spirit of
scientific enquiry, you understand.
I think there is a flaw in the experimental pro-
tocol. The Iranian cleric specified that it is not
simply the immodest dress of women that causes
all the shaking and trembling. Young men should
be lead astray. Again, purely in the interests of
science. I think young men would participate
willingly in the experiment if it was put to them
like that. We need to know. Do women really have
the power to make the earth move?
And this is just the beginning. Even if wom-
en cannot cause earthquakes, we still have
other supernatural powers that need to be
tested. There is the effect our menstrual blood
is supposed to have on any and all gods, on salt,
on water. What about the super-powers that
accrue from virginity? And now that hymeno-
plasty is readily available all over India, there
are two kinds of virginity that can be com-
pared. Does a surgically created virgin have
the same ability to uphold Tamil culture as a
naturally occurring virgin? A valid experiment
needs to be devised.
Luckily, Indias Supreme Court recent ruling
has come just in time. It dismissed the 23 cas-
es filed against Khushboo, and stated unequiv-
ocally that premarital sex is not a crime. So
unless it turns out that corrupted chastity does
indeed shift tectonic plates, no harm will have
been done. Just remember that it is in the in-
terests of science. And do what Khushboo said
use a condom.
opportunity to watch cricket in all its big
screen glory. After all, the IPL 2010 finale was
the first major sporting event streamed live
by Googles YouTube.
News reports indicate that about 50 million
people around the world had tuned in by noon
Pacific time and that the US had the largest
viewership after India. For the non-desi can-
didate, unaware of what the words cricket
fever really mean to a desi, the YouTube ini-
tiative provided the perfect chance to study
the phenomenon up close.
Strategy to recruit or effect of the Indiani-
sation of Silicon Valley? Winding down the
discussion about the YouTube approach with
techies, somebody mentioned popular ad on
a Hindi channel in Silicon Valley. Among
other visuals, was one that showed a group
of Indians huddled around a television. Ex-
cited, tense, and highly opinionated. Then, a
lone Indian guy looks in to the camera and
says: This is not a game, it is my religion.
Given this, Googles YouTube googly may just
have won them a big match in the recruitment
game with desi techies.