Of

JEnNY
AND THe
ALIeNs

R YA N G E B H A R T
So if interstellar travel traveling between stars and
different solar systems really is possible for intelligent
life to do, why have we not been visited by aliens yet?
Well, maybe we have been visited, maybe theyre here
right now and we just cant perceive them. Or maybe
we havent been discovered. Or maybe we are alone.
Or maybe were just not worth visiting. So what are
you waiting for? Live your life in a way that makes
traveling light-years just to hang out with you worth it.
Michael Stevens (Vsauce), Noted Guy on the Internet
 CAPTUlO UNo

Im playing beer pong in Kyle Dortons backyard, and the

drunk girl from Perrysburg starts painting on my face,
totally unannounced. Shes got jungle juice on her bra and
her breath smells a little bit like throw up and her eyes are
intense, like shes Pablo Picasso. When shes done, she
opens her compact so I can see.
Youre a kitty cat, she says. I cant see my reflection
in her little mirror, but I take her at her word.
So Im a kitty cat and I sink my ball into the final cup
and me and Andy get our third consecutive win. Its not
like we really earned this one Gabe and Kaitlyn werent
paying any attention; they were just letting the Perrysburg
girl use their bodies as canvases. And neither of them had
ever played before. Actually, this is the first time either of
them had ever drank, as Kaitlyn repeatedly reminded us.
Whos got next? I say.
 Its early November and unseasonably warm and, like
almost everyone at the party, Im in nothing but my under-
wear and covered in glow-in-the-dark paint. Madeline
Fisher painted a really shitty alien on my chest; Courtney
Horowitz painted a dick for the alien; Erin Adamski
painted another dick for the alien.
Ten years ago the most expensive and high-tech deep-
space satellite ever made started sending blurry pictures
of hundreds of different planets from nearby stars in the
Milky Way. Almost all of them were determined to be
inhospitable. Then they found one that was green and
blue and a little larger than Earth. It was orbiting Alpha
Centauri A, one of the closest stars to our own. When
NASA released the images, it was awesome. I was in sec-
ond grade, and I remember everyone debating about the
odds of a binary star system sustaining life. Space pro-
grams from around the world created a message from the
people of Earth to the potential people of Pud 5, which
is what some astronomers named the planet. It included
a bunch of songs and images of us and things like that.
We didnt get any kind of message back, and pretty much
no one thought we ever would. But yesterday a satellite
array in the Andes Mountains picked up all these noises
for three hours. They werent random. There was compo-
sition to them. They were songs. And some of them were
pretty jamming.
The government confirmed this morning that the sig-
nal came from Pud 5.

2
 Now we know intelligent life exists on another planet,
so Kyle decided to throw a body-painting party, since his
parents are in Michigan for the weekend. And everyone
is painting their vision of what the aliens look like. The
one on my chest looks like a sad potato with big eyes and
two dicks.
Im hugging a half-empty twelve-pack. I set it next to
the table where Randys talking to Andy.
He says, This doesnt prove that life exists on Pud
Five. Cant anybody see whats really going on? The gov-
ernment is just trying to distract us from the war.
Andy says, Every satellite across the planet heard the
music. How could they have faked that?
He shakes his head with his eyes closed. You dont
know what the government is capable of. They can fake
these signals.
Youre on too many conspiracy theory sites.
I saw it on the New York Times, dick. They were say-
ing that a radio signal from four and a half light-years away
would come in sounding like shit, but the quality was per-
fect. And they were saying that the Alpha Centauris are
the closest stars to us. The odds of intelligent life being
that close have to be at least one in a trillion.
Whos got next? I shout again.
Have you ever heard what Carl Sagan said? The girl
from Perrysburg wanders into Randy and Andys convo,
looking in their direction but not really looking at any-
one. He was this smart space guy, and he said that we

3
shouldnt have And then she gets a little louder, He
said we shouldnt have contacted aliens because now
theyre going to take over our planet!
My phone rings. Mark Shugars calling, and so I step
out of this obnoxious conversation. I move to a quieter
spot, where I see Kaitlyn and Gabe waiting their turns at
the SlipN Slide. Shes looking at him with some pretty
turned-on eyes, one hand holding a Solo cup, the other
making a claw shape on his chest.
Mark says, Sup, Scrobes?
Yo.
How are the boobs? It must be, like, a boob forest
there.
Nah, Id say its more like a boob savanna. None of
the girls got topless; theyre all just in their bras or swim-
suits. But Im pretty sure Kaitlyn and Gabe are hooking up
tonight.
Kaitlyn Sherwin? Hes just as surprised by this
as I am.
Yeah.
Doesnt she wear a purity ring?
Yeah. We were playing beer pong and
She was drinking? Wow.
and she said how any day now were gonna get
anally probed to death by aliens.
He laughs. Solid poops. Im so pissed I cant be there.
I dont see why everyones making a big deal about

4
this. We just heard some music. Its not like they sent us a
message of our impending doom.
Well, you gotta find someone to hook up with tonight,
because youre never going to have a better opportunity
than this.
I know, I say, even though I hadnt planned on it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I kinda wanted to lose my vir-
ginity to someone who actually likes me, instead of some-
one who just wants to do it because she thinks aliens are
about to murder her.
You promise me?
Derek, Ill play you. I turn around, and oh, my God.
Jennifer Novak from Spanish class has appeared from out
of nowhere, and shes completely topless.
Do not look at her chest.
The crowd over by the SlipN Slide stop slipping and
sliding, and now theyre all staring at her, mouths and
eyes wide open in disbelief. Some are laughing, others are
pointing, and a few have their hands over their mouths.
Shug, I gotta let you go. I turn off my phone, and
suddenly theres a nervous lump in the back of my throat.
What the heck do I say to her? Hey, I see youre not wear-
ing a bra. Thats neat.
You got a partner? I manage.
We can just do one-on-one.
Why is she talking to me? This is Jennifer Novak. I had
heard from Shugar via his ex-girlfriend Nikki that shes slept

5
with four guys and fooled around with a couple of girls.
Theres no way shes interested in me like that. Is there?
Dude. Calm down. All she said is that shed play me
in beer pong.
Andy, Randy, and the Perrysburg girl are still intensely
debating the existence of aliens, but theyve relocated
from the Ping-Pong table to the patio, paying no attention
to the fact that Im talking to a girl wearing nothing but a
pair of jeans.
Someones looking to get laid tonight! someone calls
out, and a bunch of people cheer and raise their cups.
Yeah, and thats me! another guy bellows out, and its
like Im in the middle of a flock of douchebags performing
their mating calls. But Jenny appears unfazed and almost
comfortable standing there so exposed, even with all the
hormones raging around her. Shes gotta be on something.
We each arrange our ten plastic cups in the form of a
triangle, use two beers to fill them, and shoot to see who
goes first. We both sink our first throw, each in the front
cup mine circles the rim while hers plops right in. We
throw again. This time hers splashes my back left corner
cup and mine air-balls it.
You just said Shug, she says. Did you mean Mark
Shugar?
Yeah.
He told me he was going to be here.
His parents grounded him. He got in a fender bender
last night.

6
 And had he been here at Dortons, hed be stripped
down to his Hugo Boss almost-thong. He spent forty
bucks on it and was dying to show off the fact he com-
pleted two months of the Insanity workout. So yeah, Im
fine with him not being here. Lately hes been doing this
obnoxious thing where he stretches and casually lifts up
his shirt to scratch his two-and-a-half-pack abs.
She says, Why didnt he just bust out? Not many days
we discover were not alone in the universe.
His folks know about the party, and theyre not let-
ting him leave their sight. Theyre watching that movie
Contact.
That stinks.
Its not that bad of a movie.
I mean, I wanted to talk to him about our physics
project.
I say, At a party?
I dont say, And also topless?
Yeah.
Man, shes so hot its unfair. Its not just her boobs or
her smile, but also her really long auburn hair; even her
slightly nasal voice sounds sexy. Her skin is November-in-
Ohio pale, but shes got that kind of Mediterranean com-
plexion that tans easily in the summertime.
I manage my breath while she retrieves the ball. I cant
handle this. From the waist down, Im wearing nothing but
my flannel boxers and fighting down a semi. Like every ten
seconds, I check and make sure my wiener whom I call

7
the King in the North doesnt poke out to say heyoo to
the world.
She cleans off the Ping-Pong balls in her water cup
and casually bounces her first throw, but I slap it away.
House rules state: If you sink a ball on a bounce, the
opponent drinks two cups. The game ends on two con-
secutive hits in the last cup, and if only one is made, the
opponent gets a rebuttal. If a ball is rimming around the
edge, guys can finger it out, girls can blow it out.
So, Jenny, what do you think about that music from
Pud Five? I say, because its either that or talk about this
unseasonably warm weather were having or the shit going
on in Raya or Spanish class. Intelligent life exists on
another planet.
She blows out my throw, though it definitely wasnt
rimming the cup.
She says, No one calls me Jenny except for my
brother.
She ends my three-game streak and, yeah, I admit shes
got skills, but I just couldnt focus. I chug the remaining
beers, give a solid burp, and now Im standing next to her.
I gotta think of something interesting to say, or else shes
gonna get bored and end up talking to somebody else.
Dammit. I got nothing.
Jenny offers me a cigarette. I press it between my lips.
The last and only time I smoked a cigarette was freshman
year, back when Shugar got his first dime bag and he was
teaching me and Andy how to inhale.

8
 She says nothing, lighting mine, then hers. I have to
cough, but I choke it down and my eyes water. Im about
to ask her what her favorite band is when Dorton appears
from the SlipN Slide in his board shorts with his hat
on backward. Hes dripping with soapy water, there are
scrapes up and down his chest, and his right knee is bleed-
ing pretty hard. He lifts Jenny into his arms and spins her
in a circle. Dortons strong, and suddenly Im extra skinny.
Cut it out, Kyle! she squeals, and rage shoots
through me. What the actual fuck? She never asked him
to pick her up.
I march toward them like Im about to fight him. But
would I actually do that? Defend the honor of a girl Ive
barely talked to since she joined the Brandywine swim
league in eighth grade?
Its weird, but I still remember that one time after
practice we were sitting with our feet in the pool and she
said, What do you call cheese thats not yours?
I knew the answer everyone in the world did but
I still played along. What?
Not your cheese.
I really wasnt expecting that, and I ended up laughing
so hard that I had to look away, because I could feel my
face reaching an embarrassing level of red.
Dorton puts Jenny down. Shes smiling and puts her
arm around his waist like shes into him. Maybe hes one
of the guys shes hooked up with before. Or maybe hes
going to be the one she hooks up with tonight.

9
 Yo, Derek, my eyes are up here, Jenny says.
Shit, I was staring at her boobs.
Dorton takes her cigarette without asking and finishes
it, flicking the butt into the yard. Jenny follows him inside.
Why did she call me out when practically everyone
here is staring at her?
Im not going to waste another second thinking about
her. Jennys simply out of my league. I need to accept the
fact that I belong with a nice girl. Someone who would want
to work with me and her parents on one of those thousand-
piece jigsaw puzzles that come without the edge pieces.
We had our moment. We played one game of beer
pong, and thats the end of our story. But thats how it
always is: every girl I like ends up with someone else.
This cigarette is awful. I rub the cherry out with my
heel and throw the butt in the recycling bin overflowing
with beer cans, and then I walk inside. Some horrible
R & B song is playing where the singers voice is on Auto-
Tune. Black lights are illuminating the neon paint on
everyone. And Jenny is sensually moving her ass near
Dortons crotch, and hes just standing there like its no
big deal. Everyone is watching her, some casually, but
most are gawking. Shes the only girl that I can see who
came topless.
Whatever. Jennys just whatever. Im not impressed by
the fact that she speaks Spanish better than I do, or that
she has those little dimples above her ass that are pretty
much the sexiest things.

10
 A girl puts her arms around my waist, grazing my sides
with her fingertips, and rage shoots through me. I hate
it when people touch my sides. But I resist flipping out.
Jennys looking in our direction.
This girl with her arm around my waist is Chris
Rosaless little sister Adriana. Shes a nice girl with a cute
face. But Jenny is all I want right now.
Adriana gets on her tiptoes and puts her lips close to my
ear, and I lean down a little. She says, I like your alien.
Thanks. I have to make it look like were in an inter-
esting conversation. So, I see you came fully clothed.
She laughs. My mama would kill me if she knew I
was here. I swear everybodys gonna be hooking up.
What? You didnt hear? Aliens are a total aphrodisiac.
She smiles like shes about to kiss me. But Im glad
I came.
Someone taps me on the shoulder.
Whats up, Seor Pervert? Jenny says with her arms
crossed. She almost looks jealous that Im talking to some-
body else, although a minute ago she was all over Dorton.
I wasnt looking at your boobs.
Hi, Adriana says to her sweetly. If you dont mind,
Derek and I were talking.
Jenny uncrosses her arms. I unapologetically and stu-
diously stare at her.
She rolls her eyes. Such a creeper.
No, Im just debating whether or not Ive seen better
teats on a pregnant cat.

11
 My chest tightens. I cant believe I insulted her. It just
came out of me before I had a moment to think. Shes
probably going to grab someones drink and throw it in
my face.
Her head jerks back and her eyes get big. She cracks
a smile, then busts up laughing. I breathe. Thank God,
shes not offended.
I really have no idea how to flirt.
Thats not very nice, she says.
Im not a nice guy.
Yeah right. All your favorite movies on Facebook are
fantasy or Disney.
Whoa. Shes looked at my profile. Thats so . . . I
dont even care to bring up the fact that I only made that
page so Dad could share stuff with me, or that I havent
updated it in years.
I turn around and Adriana is nowhere to be seen. I
know I should feel bad that Im such an asshole, but I
lean closer to Jenny. She cups her hand around my ear
and shouts, Whats your favorite movie?
I flinch. The Lion King. First movie I ever watched.
That scene where Mufasa appears in the clouds and,
you know, even though my testes are, like, forged in the
fires of Mount Doom, that scene really got me.
She gives me a blank look. The music is thumping in
my skull. She says, I have no idea what you said.
I respond with, Want to walk with me outside?
We each take turns putting on our clothes in Dortons

12
parents office. Ive got my black polo, a pair of jeans, and
a Browns cap, and shes . . . well, shes got a bra on now,
and a pink T-shirt that says: My friend went to the Lousy
T-Shirt Store and all I got was this lousy T-shirt, which is
amazing, but I make no reaction. As we walk out the front
door, she takes a walking stick that was resting against the
siding. Its almost as tall as she is.
I say, Is that yours?
Uh-huh.
Its been sanded down, but the top is twisted and
gnarled, making it resemble a staff. Maybe shes also into
fantasy.
I say, Who do you think you are? Some sort of
wizard?
Yeah. I do. She gets into an attack stance with a
devilish smile, holding her staff like a sword. Hi-yah!
Thats not what wizards say. They say things like,
You shall not pass.
She taps me on the arm with her staff. Hi-yaaah!
She laughs.
No, like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, but back when
he was gray and not white. You know, when he faced the
Balrog. I repeat the line: You shall not pass. It comes
out weaker than I expected, because shes giving me a
blank look, and only now do I realize just how big of a dork
I am. My face gets warm. Whats your favorite movie?
She relaxes her stance. Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs. Have you seen it?

13
 No. But I know the general premise: Snow White
meets up with some dwarfs to kill the Queen.
Laughing, she says, Thats not how it goes. You
should come by and watch it with me. Its a classic.
Yeah, Im sure Ill see it someday.
Wait a minute. Did she just ask me to come over to
her house?
Its like someone stabbed my chest with a syringe full
of adrenaline.
Short on breath, I get out, You mean, like, right now?
She places her hair behind her ear. Unless you have a
curfew, or something else planned.
I have no idea what I said or did to make her want to
hang out. Maybe shes got a crush on me I never knew
about. Maybe she thinks the worlds about to end tonight
and shes looking for some action one last time. Or maybe
I was right, that aliens are some kind of aphrodisiac,
because never in my life has the opposite sex shown this
much interest in me.
Dont overthink this. All she asked is if I wanted to
come over to watch a movie.
I say, No, Im free.

14
 CAPtULo DOs

Shugar lost his virginity when he was fifteen with a girl

named Becca Lynn German. The story goes that he met
her on a family trip to South Padre Island, and his par-
ents had no idea their vacation coincided with spring
break. Becca was a college freshman from Houston, and
Shugar told her he was seventeen. She had a handle
of Kamchatka Vodka; he had a box of Capri Suns.
They waded out together after dark and he told her he
couldnt walk back to shore with a hard-on, and appar-
ently that was a good enough argument for her.
Andy hasnt lost his virginity yet, which Im sure
would surprise a lot of people, because all these girls were
creaming over him when he played his acoustic at the
Battle of the Bands in September. He says hes going to
wait until the right one comes along, but blow jobs are
still fair game.
 So Im turning eighteen in about two weeks, and Im
a virgin on all levels hands, mouth, vag and now Im
heading to Jennifer Novaks house. Maybe this is the
night Ill get my own story to share.
I walk one foot in front of the other on the curb on
River Road, holding my hands out like a high-wire artist.
I say, I could walk the whole way like this without falling
off once.
Shes messaging someone with her free hand, her face
illuminated.
I say, How far is it to your house?
Shes probably talking to another guy, which . . . no,
thats none of my business.
Maybe I should pretend like Im talking to someone
too. I get my phone, turn it in my hands a few times, then
put it away, because thats a stupid idea. I say with a little
laugh, God, Id kill for a Segway right about now. Id kill
for a response from her, too.
River Road turns into East Broadway. My buzz is
wearing off, and I cant stand her silence.
I say, Walking is for losers, yknow?
She smiles whether its from what I said or what the
person shes texting said is anyones guess.
We reach an intersection in uptown Maumee. There
isnt any traffic, just the traffic lights blinking yellow and
a couple stumbling from the Village Idiot, laughing and
smoking and not being awkward with each other at all.
I can see how this would be a peaceful night for some:

16
the stars are out despite the city lights, the temperature has
gotta be pushing seventy, and theres a potentially friendly
species of aliens that just made contact with us. But
theres no peace for me. Im walking with a hot girl back
to her home, and its exhausting trying to act this casual.
I push the button for the crosswalk. As we wait for
the red hand to turn into the walking man, Jenny puts her
phone away and softly takes my hand. She breathes deep
and shudders as she exhales, though its not cold out.
Her house is off-white and two stories and older-
looking. It reminds me a lot of my house and was probably
designed by the same architect. The porch light is on. An
overgrown maple tree has lifted and broken apart the side-
walk. No ones bothered to rake the leaves, so the lawn is
carpeted with orange and yellow and brown.
Inside, everything is clean and put away, except for a
two-player game of Yahtzee on the dining table. Theres
audience laughter from Saturday Night Live, where
theyre doing some skit involving aliens playing baseball.
Elementary school art projects and family pictures crowd
the mantle above the granite fireplace Jenny and her
parents and her brother get older the farther right you go.
A sink shuts off and a guy with a buzz cut appears
from the kitchen holding a bottle of beer, oblivious of the
water stain on the bottom of his polo that makes it look
like he pissed himself.
How was the alien party? he asks with a sincere smile.
Jenny places her staff by the coat rack and says, It

17
was fun. People were painting aliens on each other, and
they had a SlipN Slide. This is my friend Derek. Hes in
my Spanish class.
Hello, Mr. Novak, I say politely, but what is he
thinking of me? That Im just some asshole trying to hook
up with his daughter?
I am just some asshole trying to hook up with his
daughter.
Hey there, Tiger, he says, and shakes my hand. Hes
making me feel so welcome, the fact that hes already
given me a nickname. The names Joel. So, were they
playing the Centaurian songs at this party?
I dont think they did, Jenny says, then looks at me.
Did they?
Not that I recall.
Joel says, You see, we shouldve been the hosts. If I
was throwing an alien party, it only makes sense to play
their music.
I say, I totally agree with that.
Maybe we couldve made some kind of alien-themed
cocktail, too. He looks at Jenny inquisitively. What do
you think they would drink at a party?
She gives a baffled little laugh. I . . . havent really
thought about it.
I say, I bet you they probably just drink beer.
He raises his bottle and clinks it with an imaginary
one. Its an amazing time we live in. Theyll be talk-
ing about today for centuries to come: the day we were

18
contacted by aliens. Who knows whats going to happen
next.
Jenny shrugs. Were gonna watch a movie.
He says, I wonder what they look like. Do you think
they look like us?
She says, Im not sure. Maybe well find out soon
enough.
Jenny opens a door in the living room that leads to the
basement, and on the wall theres one of those old-people
stair lifts, like from the commercials during The Price Is
Right. It leads downstairs on a metal guide rail.
No way, I say. Ive never seen one of these in person.
Can I . . . I mean, do you mind? Does it work?
She shrugs, unimpressed that the most awesome
thing is in her house. Its got a seat belt and everything.
Be my guest.
I buckle up, press Down, and the electric motor whirs
to life. I slowly descend. I want to ask her why they have
this, but I can barely make words. This could probably be
the greatest moment of my life, and Im fighting back the
giddiest of smiles.
The stair lift silences at the landing of the finished
basement, which appears to be her bedroom and also the
laundry room. Theres a tumbling sound and the clinking
of a loose quarter or a zipper in the dryer, and the entire
room smells inviting and warm. They use Morning Mist
fabric softener, I can tell.
Oh, my God. On top of a card table covered in a

19
checkered tablecloth, theres a snow-cone machine thats
like industrial grade and worthy of the big leagues. Beside
it, there are six different bottles of syrup and a stack of
paper cones.
Ive wanted a snow-cone machine ever since Mom
took me to my first Texas Longhorns baseball game back
when we lived in Austin. Easy access to snow cones was
the main reason I looked forward to going, to be honest.
In the uncarpeted half of the basement by the washer
and dryer, theres a stack of blank white T-shirts, a silk-
screen printing press, and half-empty containers of dye
on top of newspapers. Hanging from the walls are two-
by-two green screens with designs for T-shirts. One is for
the shirt shes wearing right now. Another is for an NBA
team, but NBA stands for National Bark Association.
It includes a silhouette of a group of dogs with a caption
that says: The Houston Red Rockets.
Shes a T-shirt designer and I had no idea.
I say, I remember when you wore that NBA shirt
to school last week. I totally thought you bought it off of
Etsy. It looked legit.
Thanks. Right now Im only printing monochromatic
designs. Eventually I plan on getting the equipment to
make them in full color.
Ive printed pictures onto shirts before. All you need
is an iron and some transfer paper. You can get them at
Michaels.

20
 The quality with that stuff isnt the greatest. Ideally,
what Id like to do is print an actual photo of dogs wear-
ing jerseys, but I havent gotten around to making jerseys
custom-fitted for dogs or getting five dogs together and
having them pose on a basketball court.
You could use my dog. Shes chill. And my friend
Andy Zimmerman has a ten-year-old golden whos really
obedient. Im sure we could find three more dogs. Do you
have a dog?
We have a cat. His names Rufus.
I already knew that from her Instagram, but I casually
say, Throw him in too. Hed be, like, the ringer.
You think the school would let us stage a photo shoot
with a bunch of animals in the gym?
I shrug. You know, Ive thought of a few T-shirt ideas.
Oh yeah?
Ones for this cereal I made up called Pancake
Krunch and the tagline reads: Pancakes? For breakfast?
and thered be a picture of a cartoon kid with a totally
shocked face.
She busts up laughing, then leans into me the way
she leaned into Kyle, triggering a rise in goose bumps and
other things. Thats the stupidest thing.
I turn away to adjust my pants. Yeah, thats the joke,
kind of.
I open a manila folder on her desk. Inside, theres
what looks like a small screenplay. The title page says:

21
 Monkey Business
Episode 1: The Pilot
By Alex Novak and Jennifer Novak

I say, Whats this? Youre making a movie too?

Hey, I didnt say you could go snooping through my
stuff.
Sorry. So, whats it about?
Eh, it would take forever to explain. She gestures
with her head for me to come over. I want to put on
Snow White.
Jenny sits on the end of the couch, her legs folded and
her bare feet tucked beneath her ass. I only give a fleeting
glance, because Ive learned my lesson about staring. She
sighs as she uses her phone to search through the movie
choices on her TV, as if shes totally unaware just how
amazing all this is. I mean, she writes scripts and designs
her own T-shirts. Ive written fantasy stories and I thought
about making a shirt one time. Shes kind of a dork. We
have more in common than I ever knew. Does she see
that too?
I sit at the opposite end of the couch, and as the
Disney castle appears, I laugh.
She looks at me. Hmmm?
Oh, its just that across the planet tonight, people are
probably watching movies about aliens and were watch-
ing Snow White. It seemed kinda funny to me.
What do you think about the Centaurians?

22
 Havent really processed it yet. Seems cool. Im just
hoping school will be canceled Monday.
You didnt do your homework for Seor Hafemann?
You mean, Seor Sexy.
What? she says with a confused smirk.
Dont you remember on the first day of school when
he gave us a lesson on how to salsa dance? Dudes got
moves.
She leans closer to me, placing her hand on the middle
couch cushion, and her eyes bug out. Oh, my God. I was
the one who had to dance with him, remember?
How could I forget the subtle, stylized gyration to
Seors hips or the way Jenny couldnt stop laughing and
her cheeks went red? When she went back to her desk,
her hair was shrouding her face.
I say, I think hes a hottie. You should go for it.
Youre funny.
I know. At some point I should probably throw her
a lighthearted insult, like how Shugar trained me to talk
to girls. But instead I say, I think youre way funnier. I
mean, I never would have thought of the Houston Red
Rockets. Thats . . . thats just genius.
Thanks.
The Magic Mirror is telling the Queen that Snow
White is the fairest in the land, and Jenny yawns. Maybe
shes not looking to hook up tonight, and honestly thats a
huge relief. Were just two people from Hafemanns class
watching a movie together.

23
 She says, So, do you still swim?
No. Well, I mean, I still can swim. Me, Mark, and
Andy got bored with it, I guess. And I hated all the pres-
sure my mom put on me, even though all we were doing
was swimming back and forth. I never saw the reason for
her screaming so much. We werent even on a real team.
I was sad when you guys quit. Which is surprising
because I always figured that she never thought twice
about me back then. What do you do now?
I dont think smoking up counts as an extracurricular,
so I say, I might try out for the tennis team in the spring.
The thought never occurred to me until this moment.
For no real reason that I can see, we both go quiet. Ten
minutes into the movie she shifts a little, then unabash-
edly scooches over until her head is against my shoulder,
then sighs as she gets comfortable and snuggly, like this
is a thing weve been doing for years. I casually inhale the
scent of her shampoo pomegranate, maybe and I
have to respond to her advances, so I kiss her on the part
in her hair.
She makes a throaty sound like shes fighting back a
laugh. What the fuck was that?
Uh . . .
Sprawled out on the couch, she extends her arm out
and wraps it around my waist, the back of her wrist mil-
limeters away from feeling the tip of my wiener through
my pants.

24
 She says, You know, Ive always thought you were
kinda cute.
I pull back a little, and she looks up at me, and its
hard to tell, but I think shes glad that Im here with her.
God, I hope she doesnt notice my boner or how fast
my heart is pounding. If I hook up with her now, then well
never be friends; well never be anything. Shell just be the
girl I lost one or several of my virginities to.
Whats up? I manage to get out, and then force a
smile. You dont . . . think the worlds about to end, do
you? I mean, why else would you be . . . ?
She gets up like shes about to leave, but she stands
between my legs, thinking of her next move.
She puts her hair behind her ears, then straddles me.
Whoa.
Her smile is so sweet, and her breath smells faintly
like beer. She places her hands on my shoulders, her hair
spilling in front of my face, and shes casually grinding
me. Now theres no hiding just how into her I am.
I thought you wanted to watch the movie. What if
I disappoint her? Shes probably really good at sex. She
probably knows exactly what she wants, where she likes
to be touched and kissed. And Im going to spooge all over
the basement in one awkward convulsion.
You know. Im Im a . . . And my face gets warm.
I cant say it. Its a stupid thing to say. But she deserves to
know the truth.

25
 She leans back, giving me a sincere and reassuring
smile, and maybe I wont have to go through with this. As
Snow White and her animal friends find a cottage in the
woods, I say, I mean, we can do whatever, but My
throat tightens.
I want to say maybe we should slow it down. Ive
never been in a relationship before, and with all that we
have in common, I can see myself having one with her.
The worlds not going to end tonight, and we have time
to figure out this new world together, where we now
know were not alone in the universe.
What the hell has happened? How did we end up
here, her hand feeling the bulge in my pants?
Youre a virgin, she says with a studious, nar-
rowed look. Never would have guessed it. How far have
you gone?
It was with Corina Metts spring semester of my junior
year. We were in her bedroom and she was helping me
study for our pre-calc exam because I was really bad at
math and she was really good.
I say, I went over the top.
I like you, Derek. Lets have some fun. We can do
whatever youre comfortable with.
I gather all the shreds of confidence that I have to say
this: What do you want to do?
Jenny places my hand against her boob and . . . this
is exactly where I belong. Like I could make a boobfront
home with a big backyard, and I could be by these boobs

26
for the rest of my life in a rocking chair with a tall glass of
iced lemonade. I must be the luckiest guy in the universe.
Now shes gently biting my bottom lip, and her hands
are firmly on my belt buckle. Can she still be my new best
friend even if we hook up?
It doesnt matter. Theres a beautiful girl sliding off my
pants, and now theres no going back.
Snow White is singing Whistle While You Work
with the animals, and as I pull off her jeans, I whistle
along in key.
I kiss her neck.
The birds sing.
She gives me a condom from her desk and I lose my
virginity.
She moves with me and bites me like she wants to
eat my cheeks and jaw. I cant tell if Im doing it right
because Im basically just sitting there, but shes not say-
ing anything or correcting me. Im overflowing with feel-
ings Ive never experienced and I dont understand them
but I want to more than anything. Maybe we should
change positions
aaaand Im done.
My head falls into her chest and every nerve in my
body is tingling from the orgasm, but its accompanied by
an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I want to apologize. I
want to cry. Shes helping me clean up, trying to make
me feel normal, but shes not saying anything because I
was horrible. Shell be laughing her ass off when she tells

27
her friends about how I couldnt even last three minutes.
She puts on her clothes and makes two snow cones.
What do you think? You still like The Lion King more
than Snow White?
I laugh. Its growing on me.
She hands me a snow cone. Its blue-flavored. Hers is
purple. We watch the rest of the movie, and she doesnt
say a thing about my performance; shes just commentat-
ing about her favorite scenes and which of the dwarfs she
relates to and how pure and simple the animation style is.
That feeling of guilt is being replaced with a strange kind
of tranquility. Maybe I didnt do anything wrong.
The movie ends and she switches the TV to Cartoon
Network and covers us in a fleece blanket. We spoon on
the couch, my arm around her waist, the top of her head
snuggled up into my chin. And I dont have a boner. Its
nice for a change because I usually have at least some
stage of one.
We say nothing. Were tired and pressed against
each other, and maybe were sharing more in this silence
than we did with all the things we said to each other
tonight.
I never thought I could feel this vulnerable and com-
plete. But this is just a hookup, so I probably shouldnt
spend the night.
Jennys asleep. I turn off the TV and put on my
shirt. Its inside out and backward. I correct myself.
Dammit, its still backward.

28
 Finally I get it right.
I cover her up to her neck with the blanket. I dont
want to leave her. Her hands are balled into fists and
tucked up to her nose, like a child scared of the aliens
lurking beneath her convertible sofa. Maybe she needs
someone to hold her and tell her everythings going to be
okay. I want for that someone to be me.
I leave.

29
Of Jenny and the Aliens
Ryan Gebhart

www.candlewick.com