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YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY

You Are Not Going Crazy:

Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation

Vicente Arredondo

Florida State University

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The tactics of manipulation have been a long breed survival tool for humans, deception

and lies were once necessary to acquire food, water, shelter. As times have changed, the instinct

to lie and manipulate others in order to obtain ones desires has not changed. The term Gas

lighting has been used by therapists since 1944, it stems from the film Gaslight, which came

out in the same year. In the movie a husband lowered the lights in his house in order to deceive

his wife into believing that she was going mad and was beginning to imagine things that her

husband would claim to all be false and come from her imagination. This method of

manipulation has contributed to numerous toxic relationships and has left its victims with scars

beyond comprehension. Gas lighting is a delicate issue that is present in almost all relationships

without the people involved knowing that it is happening at all. It occurs at different levels and

intensity so it can definitely vary from relationship to relationship. There is an increasing need

however to shed more light on this issue that is sometimes misunderstood and unknown to most.

Toxic relationships are relationships that are very unstable and lead the people

involved in the relationship to live tortured lives. Relationships like this tend to be very

unproductive and lack benefits for both parties. To define what a toxic relationship is can be hard

because there are so many ways a relationship can be defines as toxic. As defined by the

dictionary a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the

toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.

This means that any relationship that has negative effects. Be it emotional or physical on the

other person is considered toxic. It is common to hear stories of these kinds of relationships

either on the news or in television shows. This however should not be a sign that these kinds of

relationships are the norm or are in any form considered acceptable behavior. What is more

unheard of or less common is the other kind of toxic relationship which involves emotional
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damage instead of physical and in many cases can be more damaging. This emotional damage

can not be as easily seen by others since it is not on the surface like physical damage. The

emotional damage can be present in the form of derogatory terms, lies and changes in

personality. The clearest sign that one is in a toxic relationship of any kind is that the person or

persons involved are not happy with each other and that they are negatively being affected from

being together.

When a person is being gas lighted they automatically fall under the emotional abuse

category in toxic relationships. This is because gas lighting is not physical but works more with

emotions and the manipulation of thoughts and self-perception of the person being affected. Gas

lighting is not clear at the beginning of a relationship. Usually when a relationship begins gas

lighting is very minimal or non-exsisting. This is because a gaslighter will never upfront in full

force start manipulating the other person on the get-go because the other person would not fall

for the trick. Gas lighting is much more sinister in works in a long period of time slowly

increasing in intensity and frequency. Usually it starts with small comments like referring to a

memory and jokingly saying that some part of that memory is untrue or remembered wrong.

After a while bigger and more important memories, either of fights or events, are compromised

and the toxic person begins to plant self-doubt of the other person memory. Soon comments such

as you are crazy or you cant remember anything pop up in the conversation. After a while

of hearing these things repetitively one begins to believe them. Soon the victim begins to

apologize for mistakes pointed out by the toxic partner and for not being able to remember

anything correctly. The toxic person soon puts all the burden and weight of anything that goes

wrong on the victim even if it is outlandish to blame them. The victim at this point is so mentally
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trapped and closed minded that they are not able to see clearly and feel too much self-0doubt to

look for help. This is the most dangerous part of gas lighting.

What can be done to help the victim of gas lighting is to be aware of what the signs of

gas lighting are. These signs can be the key to helping someone being affected by gas lighting to

be able to see that there is a problem and know how to confront it. The main signs of gas lighting

are that the victim is always apologizing for everything, if someone is constantly saying sorry for

things that are sometimes not even their fault it is a clear sign of manipulation. Another sign is

that the victim starts questioning themselves if theyre too sensitive or that they do everything

wrong, Another sign is that the victim is very unhappy and doesnt feel confident in themselves

at all. These are signs that a person is victim of a toxic relationship and is being gaslighted. There

are many resources such as therapists and psychologists that can help a person overcome this

situation. The first step is always the hardest but it is the one that will determine if the rest of the

steps are effective. The victim has to get away from the toxic person and end the relationship for

good because it will only get worse and there have been many cases of terrible consequences.

Works Cited

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Machiavellianism and emotional manipulation: Does EI have a dark side?. Personality and

Individual Differences, 43(1), 179-189.

Gass, G.Z. & Nichols, W.C. Contemp Fam Ther (1988) 10: 3. doi:10.1007/BF00922429
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"Dialogues of Doubt: The Psychology of Self-doubt and Emotional Gaslighting in Adult Women and
Men." Dialogues of Doubt: The Psychology of Self-doubt and Emotional Gaslighting in Adult Women

Benson, K. (2015). Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive
Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People. Library Journal, 140(16), 98.

SANCHEZ, R. (2015). How I Ended a Toxic Relationship. Men's Health, 30(4), 54-135

Freedom from Toxic Relationships: Moving on from the Family, Work, and Relationship Issues that
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Lord, D. C. (2003). Toxic Relationships and How To Change Them: Health and Holiness in Everyday
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Anderson, K. B., & Bohanon, L. (2016). Toxic relationships: Knowing the rules and dealing with the
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"10 Signs You Are a Victim of Gaslighting." David Avocado Wolfe. N.p., 13 Aug. 2016. Web. 26 Feb.
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