Rayan T.

Haj Sakor

Mrs.Benjamin

Writing 4

26 October 2016

A Bad Start

I lived in Abu Dhabi for nine years. It was a busy city. It had heavy traffic. It smelled like

the cars fuel such as, gasoline, and diesel, and it also smelled like traffic roads. It sounded like

the cars were honking all days long. It was still a tiny city. It was a very pretty city since it has

tall buildings, fancy buildings, decorated buildings, clean roads, and beautiful trees. It is so hot

and humidity. In fact, The temperature in Abu Dhabi was between 120F and 130F in the summer

everyday. Abu Dhabi was very safe. Abu Dhabi was the safest city in the Middle East and

Africa, and the 25th safest in the world, according to The National website. You could always

eat Bryine (Emirate rice). It has a lot of species. Abu Dhabi has some negative things but it was

still the the best city I had lived in my life.

When I started to live in Abu Dhabi, I was different than now. I was tall compared to the

kids in Abu Dhabi. I had small eyes, big ears, and a tiny mouth. I was skinny since I didnt like

the Abu Dhabi's food. I smelled like perfume. I had a flat and soft skin. My voice was extremely

loud.

Changing things is one of the hardest things to do in life so changing the school was

almost the hardest thing for me, because I dont know anyone in the another school. In school

that I went to spoke different language than I spoke. Some kids will made fun of your language

or your accent. I just moved from Syria to the U.A.E. I was a 6th grader and I have to go to
school. I didnt want to go to school at that time. I chose the closest middle school to my home. I

went to Al-Ruwais Middle School. In November 2013, it was Sunday and that was the first day

of school in U.A.E. I was crying like a baby. My father woke me up on Sunday at six o'clock in

the morning. It was dark as a yawning grave. That morning was very calm. The students were in

the streets waiting for the bus quietly. The kids were as short as a hobbit.

My dad took me to the school. It was a humongous school. My dad and I went to the

principal's office. His room was very fancy. The back of the principals room has his desk with a

massive chair. It was a chair that spins. The principal room was decorated in a very beautiful

way. The school principal welcomed us and said What is your name? I told him My name is

Rayan. then he said Are you ready? I didnt answer him. My dad explained to him that I was

scared of the kids in the school and the teachers. The principle said Dont worry everything will

be alright, and if anything happened with you just come to me. The principal conversation

made me calm down and feel more confident. Suddenly he said Lets go, follow me. My dad

left the school and I followed the principal. He took me to a class that had a huge door. It was a

blue door. The principal knocked on the door. Someone said come in. The principal and I

entered into the class, so he explained to the teacher that I am t a new student, I came from a

different country, and I had spoken a different accent. The teacher took my name and he said

have a seat.

The kids looked fine. They didnt care about me. There were three kids sitting around

me. They were talking to each other. I couldn't hear them very well, but they were making fun of

me and my accent. The class had end, and we had a little break for five minute between each two

classes. The three guys were getting closer to me. They looked like a bullies and nasty. They
began to swear at me and my dad. I couldn't control myself. I got angry just as a waspe. I stood

up, and I gave one of them a hit. They attacked me, but I protected myself. One of the boys hit

me, so I bled a little bit. The hit made me angrier than before. I hit one of them as much as I

could, so he was bleeding so bad. He was bleeding as if he had been through a thicket of thorns.

A teacher heard us, and he came and said stop!. We didnt stop. Then he screamed

stooooooooooop!!!! We stopped, and he asked Who are you?. I told him that I was a new

student. After that the teacher said lets go The main office

We couldn't go to the main office right away since we were bleeding. So we went to the

nurse. The nurse room was a little bit far from the class that we fought in. the nurses room was

tiny. I wasnt paying attention to the room because my mouth was hurting me. The nurse looked

at me first, and she put cotton in my mouth. Then he called the ambulance. The ambulance had

come, and they took us to the hospital. They gave us anesthesia. The doctor put in my mouth

four stitches. Then the hospital called my dad. My dad came to the hospital. My dad was worry.

I was all done with doctor. Even the three kids were done as well. We went back to the

school. A teacher took us to the principal. The principal had heard of our fight, but he was

waiting for us in his room. We went to his room, and I found my dad and the three kids dad. The

principal asked me What happened Rayan?. The principal knew that the three kids were not

good and they have problems with their teachers and classmates. So I told the principal what

happened. The kid tried to lie, but the principal asked a student saw what happened. The kids dad

said sorry to my dad, and they told my dad that they will not let them do that anymore. The

principal decided to suspend the kids for one week. The principal said It's ok Rayan, I know
 that they werent good with you but the rest will be good , Im sure. Dont judge from the first

day.

TOTAL: 18/20 1 2-3 4

Ideas & Content The story doesnt make Story is missing important parts
sense (exposition, plot, or resolution)
Random events in story Ideas in the story are not
connected well.
Sequence of events doesnt flow
Include EXPOSITION
Include PLOT: rising
action, climax, and falling
action
Include RESOLUTION
Ideas in the story flow
Sequence of events is logical.

Organization Paragraphs are missing Attempt to write paragraphs, but it Each main part of the story is
No transitions needs improvement. a paragraph.
Attempt to use transition words, Use of connecting
but needs improvement. words/transitions

Word Choice Use of wanna, gotta, got Metaphor or simile is missing Use of at least one metaphor
No metaphors Attempt at SHOW DONT Use of at least one simile
No similes TELL, but it needs Use of SHOW DONT TELL
No descriptions improvement throughout story
General adjectives (fun, nice, etc.) Use specific adjectives

Sentence Fluency No use of compound
sentences
Fragments, run-on
sentences, and comma
splice are common
Attempt to use compound
sentences, but it needs
improvement.
Only uses simple sentences
Compound sentences use
FANBOYS appropriately
Complete sentences
(sentence has subject, verb,
and other information)
Variety of sentences (simple,
and compound)

Conventions MLA format is missing Attempt at MLA format but needs MLA format
No punctuation improvement. Periods and capital letters
No spell check used Punctuation is there but it needs No spelling mistakes
Verb tenses are not improvement Correct subject-verb
consistent (present, Use of spell check, but wrong agreement
past and perfect mixed) words were chosen Use of past tense
Attempt to use past tense and Use of past perfect
past perfect, but it needs
improvement