Every day I look forward to seeing my African-American History class.

The class is newly

incorporated into the school, and has since received some great feedback. The idea of how
special this class is has led me to take great pride in any contributions I attempt to make.
Therefore, whenever I feel a sense of failure to these students, it naturally hurts.

This class is special in so many ways, but more importantly they are culturally associated to
the class itself. This is because roughly 25 students are of African-American descent, while
only 2 are Caucasian. Therefore, the concept of learning African-American history and
applying it to many of our daily discussions has been interesting. But, in a recent attempt I
feel as if I hit many of the wrong marks and lost my composure attempting to teach.

After watching an episode of the documentary, America The Story Of Us, which
highlighted many points of both Antebellum and The Industrial Revolution. I had an idea to
expand upon what the documentary acknowledged about Americas movement to the West.
My plan was to begin with a discussion about The American Dream, explain its puritan
origins, how the idea has changed over the years, and how it fit in with Manifest Destiny.

The beginning of the lesson was great, I was able to efficiently have a logical discussion on
the concept of The American Dream. Essentially we came to the agreement that The
American Dream was achieving happiness, but originally happiness was grounded in hard
work and religious freedom, but as America grew, there was an idea that money meant
happiness. Manifest Destiny would apply both ideas by expanding a government and
country via religion and establishing an economy with travelers to the West.

The students were able to connect The American Dream with money as a reason for
Manifest Destiny, however the failure I had mentioned began when they couldnt
understand how the puritan idea of divine purpose manipulated a religious western
movement that had rightful purpose and was viewed as an achievement. I struggled to
explain. Each explanation I made led to question after question after question. Then
displayed a famous painting, Spirit of The West. An image in the painting of Columbia
might have been my answer. If Columbia was derived from Christopher Columbus, and
Columbus used religion as his purpose for taking lands and destroying inhabitants, then
maybe I could get my point across.

Right as we began this discussion on the image of Columbia, the smart board went dark,
the internet didnt work, and I couldnt get what I needed back on the board. I began to
panic as I tried to fix the situation and teach at the same time. I ultimately ended up going
on an unnecessary and nervous tangent about Columbus that should have lasted only a
few minutes. I showed major signs of frustration while trying to fix the board in the
meantime. Then my mentor chimed in, which led me to say to myself, I messed up. I lost
the class. I give up. My mentor flawlessly handled the situation. He had the kids bring up
the painting on their I-Pad (why didnt I think of that?), and then was able to finish the lesson
with complete ease and the students understanding.

I was the leader of the classroom and now I wasn't. How come I couldnt do that? Why was
I so stupid? Why did this have to happen today? Should I be teaching? I was upset,
distraught, and angry at myself. I felt like I failed my students, my mentor teacher, my site
director, But, worst was I thought I failed myself. It is the worst feeling in the world to be
embarrassed.

During lunch break my mentor sat me down and talked to me. Before he said anything I
said, I know I screwed up.bad. Expecting an honest response of affirmation, I was
surprised when he laughed and said, Please I mess up all the time! My mentor proceeded
to explain how what happened was normal and to accept that I keep forgetting that I am
new to this career of teaching. Its understandable to want to achieve, but we are all human
and someones bound to have a bad day no matter how experienced. He told me about a
blog that he has read titled My Name Is Tom. Ive Been A Teacher For Ten Years and I Still
Get My Ass Kicked Nearly Every Day. I could not help but immediately laugh at the title. My
Mentor said how he admired this man Tom because as a teacher that was well skilled and
has even received Minnesota teacher of the month, he still has days of failure. But Tom had
his bad days almost consistently. As he states, I went home every night with a pocket full of
losses and a few wins slipping through my fingers. Despite all of this time still moves on
sufficiently and with pride.

My mentor made me feel better in both a friendly and creative way. Most importantly both
my mentor and Tom gave me the most needed wake-up-call in mine and likely many
others teaching career. They made me realize that teaching is learning how to accept
failure, and that it is okay most times to fail as an individual. Failure is everyday. No student
is the same, and the many other variables usually dont work in your favor. You accept
defeat no matter how big or small in this case, but be yourself in the process and dont be
so hard!

Surprisingly my mentor was able to cheer me up even more. I knew I messed up particularly
within domain 2 for management, and domain 3. But, I was happy to hear that my
preparation was done well, I knew the content, and that there were still some very good
positives within the domains that I struggled in. I have come to believe that I was focusing
too much on what was next rather than going at a steadier pace, which would have allowed
me to do things like analyzing the 4 corners of the classroom, not panic, and be able to
think more clearly when teaching. The students would even approach me later on and show
signs of encouragement. They know my situation, but they expressed how I have done
many positives throughout the semester. This is a pure example as to why I love seeing
these kids every day. Each one of them has shown appreciation for me. Teaching is not
about I. Teaching is about We.

Moving forward will still have its downs, I am sure of that. I am a student teacher, and I
should not have this opinion that I am perfect. I now know however that I can be more
confident simply if I am accepting of the realities of teaching.