HellW Georgia
To
Friday, November 17, 2017 vol. 103, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net
uga adds copypasta to culinary curriculum
BUZZED LIGHTBEER
TOP NPR CONSUMER
Starting in the spring of 2018,
uGA will be adding a new class to
its degrees in the College of Fam-
ily and Consumer Sciences. The
class, FDNS 42069, is a semester
long look into one of the newest
nutritional and culinary fields:
copypasta.
The intent is to provide stu-
dents with a sense of pride and ac-
complishment for unlocking their
degree, said Dean Amos, head
of culinary classes. Among other
things, were looking at average
per-student education rates, and
well be making constant adjust-
ments to ensure that students have
challenges that are compelling, re-
warding, and of course attainable
via class.
The class will be led by former
navy seal, pawn shop owner and
Rick and Morty enthusiast, Cap-
py Pasto. Pasto has taught similar
courses in the past at prestigious
institutions such as the University
of Phoenix and Full Sail University.
I am trained in
gorilla warfare
ith
Im Cappy Pasto, and this is
my classroom, Pasto said, I teach
here with my students and my
teaching assistant, Chef Boyardee.
Every assignment in here has a
story and a grade. One thing Ive
learned after 21 years you never
know WHAT Im going to assign.
Students are already chomping
at the bit to register for the class.
good shit goOd
sHit thats some good
shit right there
right there if i do say so myself
i say so thats what
im talking about right there right
there mMMMMMM
HO0OOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good shit,
said one student, obviously excited
about the class.
Other students are worried
about the difficulty of the class,
Did you ever hear the trag-
edy of Hairy Dwag the student? a
student asked, I thought not. Its
not a story the university would
tell you. Its a Dawg legend. Hairy
Dwag was a student of Cappy Pas-
to, so knowledgeable and so dank
he could use the pasta to influ-
ence his grades. The only thing he
was afraid of was failing the class,
which eventually, of course, he
did.
Pasto was not surprised by the
allegations of his class being diffi-
cult.
Uga collusion
with Russians
SNIFFMOUR BUTTS
Explosive news today with the
revelations that Uga X, the current
dog-based mascot of our universi-
ty, had been in communication with
Kremlin huskies throughout most of
the football preseason.
Ugas people had paid good
amounts of money and several pre-
mium dog biscuits in order to in
one instance have husky agents
stationed in the southern U.S. pee
on rival colleges football fields
prior to practices. The dirty trick
would, according to reports from
those affected schools, result in the
tainted players having to take week-
long showers and miss big games
against uGA.
The tactic was only one of many
employed by the group, which is
clearly made up of some really de-
vious operators. The main issue at
hand now to pay attention to is an
investigation that is being conduct-
ed into whether Uga himself was
directing or aware the collaboration
with the Russian canines. If he was,
there could be some serious conse-
quences for his tenure as big dog on
campus.
The situation, in reality, howev-
er, may not be quite as damning for
Uga as the allegations against his
associates may suggest. Beefy J.
Bone, one of the directly accused,
To be fair, you have to have
a very high IQ to understand
copypasta, Pasto said, The cook-
ing is extremely subtle, and with-
out a solid grasp of theoretical culi-
nary skills most of my material will
go over a typical students head.
And yes, by the way, I DO have a
Ranking fast
food careers
Read more on pg...
does it matter?
Can you even read?
is reported by the Ugga organiza-
tion to be an outer-orbit member of
the Uga circle, and never was given
authority by Uga to act in official ca-
pacity. If it can be proved by Ugas
lawyers that Bone and Slobber K.
Paws another accused individu-
al can somehow prove that they
were working entirely of their own
accords, then Uga should be in the
clear. However, the investigation
may uncover contrary evidence.
And in the case that it does, Uga will
most definitely be in the doghouse,
along with any that tried to cover up
what we may find was a major con-
spiracy.
The uGA Canine Code of Con-
duct states that, any who are found
to be in collaboration with a foreign
entity in order to facilitate an un-
due advantage over an adversary
college or similarly-operating or-
ganization in a contest of the sport
known in most of American regions
as football will be punished by be-
ing forced to sit through 100 hours
in total of presentations given by
uGA students studying in the field
of sewage scrubbing. The harsh
punishment, which has driven some
of its past recipients into the pits of
insanity, would likely be difficult to
handle for Uga, as he is known to
have quite an unsteady stomach.
copypasta tattoo. And no, you can-
not see it. Its for the students eyes
only and even then they have to
demonstrate theyre within 5 IQ
points of my own (preferably lower)
beforehand.
The school and students look
forward to the arrival of this course.
Gnus
NOSE EDITOR:
Running Key to immortality?! THWuGA
WAKE ME UP:
Wake me up inside
The one trick doctors don't want you to know
about anti-aging technologies. Find out more Friday,
2
after 1 easy payment of $4.9945 November 17, 2017
Dont@me.com

BRIGHTON KAMEN
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

For the hundred-somethingth

reotypes we agree are not as true
as they once were (Georgia stu-
dents arent necessarily drunken
rednecks nor are Tech students
Grease suing our great city
GRAND POOBAH haha one thing I actually really right around now, we wouldnt even
time, we are excited to present necessarily nerdy introverts), its GRANDEST POOBAH like to do is to get out my crisco jar, be able to get into the government
the annual To Hell With Geor- not about the stereotypes. and then spoon me a nice big dollop buildings to try an stop em.
gia Issue. Contained in these Yes, the jokes contained Hello my people. It is me, your of that good good right on top of my Anyway, just wanted to write
pages you will find all manner herein maintain the sordid tra- dear leader the president of this pizza when it comes fresh out of the yall because I know youre all prob-
of outlandish, (hopefully) enter- dition of low blows in the form great, great campus. I would just microwave. Mmmmm. ably wanting to know my thoughts
taining and completely false ma- of incest-, alcohol- and stupidity- like to let everyone out there know But Im just so worried that on all of this. If it turns out that we
terial we aspire to think up for related material. Is it fair to con- that we are in the midst of what has thats not gonna be able to happen do all become greasy people too,
every THWuGA edition. tinue to perpetuate these false possibly the potential to just be the for me again. These greasy people well, hey, maybe that wouldnt be
Beginning as a modest four- stereotypes? Not necessarily. biggest and most greatest fight of really sound intimidating. And Im the worst thing in the world. May-
page paper, published on No- But, the most important as- our entire lives. The city of Athens just really anxious, because, you be they have some kind o technol-
vember 17th, 1911, the first issue pect of this annual issue is the is suing us! know, Ive been chatting with the ogy gizmo that helps you eat grease
of the Technique focused primar- tradition: the traditions we re- Wait what? Are you reading this mayor about this he tells me that faster. I would really love that.
ily on the then-upcoming foot- peat year after year, the tradi- right? The answer is yes. I know, I ever since he gave the key to the city
ball game with Georgia. Its from tions that hold campus together, was not understanding mostly ei- to one o them uggas a while back, Your President,
this moment the Souths Liveli- such as our own annual take on ther when I first heard. But there is it hasnt been seen nowhere! So if Marlo Stanfield
est College Newspaper, began. u[sic]GAs the Red and Black. actually apparently a copycat Ath- them greasy boys came through
As a tip of the hat to this So, as you flip through these ens out there! Can you believe that?
modest start, the staff of the pages, remember the Good Its in this weird place called grease.
Technique produced an issue Word (To hell with georgia!), Grease, ha! What kind of a silly ass
dedicated to mocking Georgias and what brings Tech students name is that anyway? Thats for
newspaper, The Red and Black. together: Clean, Old-Fashioned talking about good food, not people.
Though this issue relies on ste- Hate of our rivals up the road. But back to the point. They are say-
ing to us that they actually own our
city and everything in it because
What the bork did you just borking say about me, you little bitch? Ill have they were called Athens before us.
you know I graduated top of my class in Turfgrass Management, and Ive Now, I just gotta be the first to
been involved in numerous secret raids on Allgood Lounge, and I have over say what I know everyone is think-
300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Im the top sniper in ing. Does this mean we wont have
the entire US farmed arses. You are nothing to me but just another target. I the frat houses anymore? Defi-
will wipe you the bork out with precision the likes of which has never been nitely the first thing I was worried
seen before on this Earth, mark my borking words. You think you can get about. But after thinking on it some
away with saying that poopy to me over the Internet? Think again, borker. more while soaking in my cold tub,
As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and it came to me that there probably
your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm,
will be some other issues too. Like
maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life.
this whole idea that if these greasy-
Youre borking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in
people own our city, theyre prob-
over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only am I
ably gonna ruin our pizza recipes by
extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire
taking away all the grease to hoard
arsenal of the Untied States Moron Corpse and I will use it to its full extent
to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only themselves!
you could have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment And ya know, personally, grease
was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your is top three all-time favorite foods
borking tongue. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the for me. And I just really love it so
price, you goddamn idiot. I will shart fury all over you and you will drown in much when the grease just is like a
it. Youre borking dead, kiddo. waterfall off the edge of my slice of
microwaved frozen pizza. I actually,

sLuvr
r thoughts realli throughts?

Natty lite, an ode to thee:

Natty Lite, shall I compare thee to a summer ale?
Thou art more smooth and drinkable.
Rough notes of hoppiness do shake the summer ale.
And ale hath no cool refreshing taste.
Sometime too hot the can of ale doth get.
And often is his taste dimmed
And every can must come to an end,
By chance, or natures course, untrimmed.
But thy eternal glory shall not fail,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owst
Nor shall death brag thou wandrest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou growst. vote 2day in the liberry
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
I like the tomato scrotum
Im looking for professionalism in my penis pictures

VOTE!
nothing like a family meal, eating out with your sister
confession time, Uga X looks hella sexy
uga might not be a football school, or a basketball school, or a school,
but damn, we know how to hold our booze unlike them tech nerds
Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle For barbecues tailgates fairs

VS.
and festivals And you sir do not have a pair of testicles If you prefer
drinking from glass
People delude themselves into thinking that modern society will
somehow change the nature of man. Mans self-serving nature is
something that must be worked with, not against.
i murdered kids
just kidding
That Moment When Your Wearing A Dress With No Pants And You
Swerve Too Hard
Shia Lebeouf Is Life
Yeah Your Girl is Bad But She Doesnt Smile
Truck nuts are the great invention of our generation
why did you leave us the tabaccy chew of kings
Your lucky numbers are: 69 420 61 97 6
// GNUS
Everyone is a sophomore
COLLIE G. WILLIKERS
WHATS THIS
According to a new report re-
leased by the Office of Education
[sic], the vast majority of students
[sic] only have enough credit hours
to qualify themselves as sopho-
mores. Most undergraduates have
between 30 and 32 credit hours,
no matter how many years they
have been here.
When asked about why their
credit hours are so low, students
responded with a variety of ex-
planations. Inn Cest, a fifth-year
tractor mechanics and driving
major, had the following to say:
You know, we just. Were re-
ally busy here. At this school with
the football, and the drinking.
He paused at this point to take a
drink from his hip flask.
You know, we just.
Were really busy here.
INN CEST
FIFTH-YEAR TMECH
When asked what he was
drinking, he responded: Gods
gift to man: Natural Light. So
anyways, once the football is done
and weve done the drinking part
did I mention the drinking?
Sushi Happ y Hou r
HALF PRICE SUSHI ROLL MENU
Monday+ Wednesday
5 P. M . - 7 P. M .
1085 HOWELL MILL RD
ATLANTA,GA 30318
4 0 4 . 5 0 0 . 2 3 8 3
O-KUSUSHIATL.COM
You know they just
give these things
out, right?
BEN EFFETS
FOOTBALL MAJOR
Ok, good. Uh, once thats done,
weve got some tests we have to
pass. Did you know a credit hour
means youre supposed to study
like, 3 hours per credit hour in a
week? That means I gotta spend
like at least 4 or 5 hours on a 3
hour class. I cant fit that into my
schedule between all the football
and drinking. Plus, I got a nice
little lady friend on the side who
treats me real sweet-like. Speakin
of, I gotta get home soon. Our
Mommas cookin us supper and I
cant miss that again.
Ben Effets, a member of one
of the schools [sic] athletic pro-
grams, had this to say on how they
manage to graduate with so few
credit hours: You know they just
give these things out, right? The
diplomas? Im pretty sure I saw a
guy at the last football game sell-
ing them for like $20 a pop. You
just get them signed later. Nobody
checks them, anyways.
When confronted about this
accusation, the President stated
that these accusations are to-
tally frivolous, counting a stack
of money. Clearly these claims
have been made up by the fake
news media in order to devalue
this great institution. Our degrees
are worth at least $50, especially if
you get them custom printed with
your name. Major costs extra,
though. Usually people are fine
with Turf Management, so we just
go with that.
Diploma-themed toilet paper
is now available in the campus
spirit shop. Each sheet is a legally
verified diploma which guarantees
your graduation from the univer-
sity [sic] of Georgia.
faculty, university president Mere
Photo by Ivana Tinkle
Cest enjoying Natty Lite after
pouring one out for his Dwags
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 3
MEGABLOKS to
sponsor makerspace
BOB
BUILDER
Last year, Canadian toy com-
pany Mega Bloks and the uni-
versity of Georgia college of En-
gineering announced a project
to revitalize the Science Library
Makerspace with Mega Bloks
footing the entire cost of the
$50,000 endeavor. Construction
broke ground earlier this year and
the finishing touches were com-
pleted on November 2.
Speaking to a small but excited
crowd of engineering students and
dogs interested in a liberal arts
Moredick expressed his thanks:
We are very thankful for the gen-
erous support from LEGO[sic].
Now we can proudly say we have
not just two but three! 3D
printers on the whole campus!
The 420-square foot facility in
the Boyd Building, while seem-
ingly small, houses vinyl cutters,
CNCs, CNNs, NSYNCs and a
ping-pong table. However, stu-
dents have noted that the most
important feature of the maker-
space is the Mega Design Ideas
Korner (Mega D.I.K.) a space
dedicated to the ideation process
crucial to engineering.
Visitors to the corner have ac-
cess to 3,405 or so beginner-level
Mega Bloks with which they can
model their prototypes for per-
sonal and academic projects. The
blocks were donated by the com-
pany itself, delivered in round
plastic tubs familiar to any per-
sons childhood along with the
added bonus of powdery basement
dust, a misplaced Barbie shoe, and
a sticky green apple Jolly Rancher
from Halloween two years ago.
The blocks are designed for
ages 4-12 but come in different
shapes which allow for a wide
range of complex builds.
The new facility symbolizes a
new direction for the College of
Engineering. Faculty and school
administrators hope to see the
makerspace attract future Bull-
engineering program.
Senior interior design student
Justin Brandt was the first mak-
er to utilize the innovative design
space. Proudly displaying what
looked like two pink and yellow
blocks stacked on top of each oth-
er, Brandt explained his creation:
This is Neushwaffenstein Castle,
you know, the one in Denmark.
4 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
Gingers
JESSICALYNN WALLACE
HEAD OF THE A-NUSES
The Alpha Nu sorority broke
new ground for underrepresented
minorities at uGa by initiating the
minority members for their Fall
2017 class. Beysica and OHolly
are the first non-blonde sisters of
any sorority on uGa campus.
Newly initiated Erica Beysica,
a brunette, and Scarlett OHolly ,
a ginger, smiled and waved along
with their new sisters in their Pink
Initiation Party.
Their presence transforms Al-
pha Nu from a sorority that was
already a beautiful banana-on-
vanilla ice cream bowl into a full
sundae with a chocolate sprinkle
and slice of strawberry placed on
top.
This new generation of A-
Nuses is bigger, broader and more
diverse than any uGa sorority be-
fore, Lattie Flats, a third year
Color-inside-the-Lines major who
serves as President for Alpha Nu.
Every year, Flats draws a new
poster containing all of the Alpha
Nus newly initiated girls, which
features Beysica and OHolly
front and center this year.
I have to admit, it was a bit
difficult finding the correct cray-
on colors to do the poster this
year our new members are just
so exotic! Flats said. When I
looked through my crayon boxes,
I was surprised to see I had fifty
shades of gray, and even fifty
shades darker, but not a single
brown one.
My sisters and I had to make
an emergency trip to Michaels to
purchase the right color, Flats
explained.
The all-new, super diverse Al-
pha Nu is leading the charge on
campus to create a more inclu-
sive and harmonious society in
Greek life, showing other u[sic]
Ga sororities how to get it right
when it comes to diversity and
inclusivity.
Being blonde doesnt nec-
essarily define what it means to
be an A-Nu, said Emma Quell,
carefully. As long as you are
pretty and can bake an excellent
cake, you are good enough to be
a sister by my book!
Beysica and OHolly were
able to enter Alpha Nu through
Alpha Nus new recruitment cam-
paign, Every Token Counts,
that scoured the new class of
uGgGGGAa girls for potential ini-
tiates.
Weve started off with a
bang, said Jenny Kay, Alpha
Nus recruitment chair. Weve
recruited not just one but two
minority sisters in the first year of
our Token program!
The Every Token Counts pro-
gram is scheduled to take in two
new students every four years,
to make sure we stay as diverse
as ever, Flats explained.
When asked why she wanted
to become an A-Nu, Beysica
said that A-Nuses are just so
awesome and pretty and preco-
cious.
Members of other sororities
were curious and confused by
the news.
I honestly didnt know that
uGa had gingers, said Eve Ben-
nings, a sophomore Culinary ma-
jor who is a ranking member of
Sigma Theta. Dont they all live
in Africa, or something?
Oooh! I have a redhead
friend! said Rena Grenwald, a
Tau Pi sister. Ill be sure to tell
her ALL about it, shell LOVE the
news. Now that I think about it,
I bet she knows OHottie or what-
ever her name is already, since
theyre both gingers. Right?
// GNUS
MONUMENTS
Papyrus
curved arm
and hand is a
DIRECT match
inquired about why the to the curved
STONEWALL LEE statues were not instead arm and hand
SON OF THE SOUTH being kept in a museum, the of the star
administration seemed so men. In short,
In the most recent move- confused and distressed by we have some
ment from those darn mil- the strange term museum strong proof
lennials, the monuments that the reporter simply that the
commemorating the great let it go. earthbound
Confederate States of Some sensitive groups universe is
America are being system- have been upset over u[sic] somehow con
atically removed from the GAs embrace of their nected to the
honorable locations that southern history. One undertale
have hosted them in mem- group even attempted to world, which
ory of the best country to come onto the campus brings us back
have ever lived. and protest, but a val- to our initial
Luckily, u[sic]GA has de- iant group of fraternity question, WHO IS
cided to save these beauti- brothers chased them off SANS? Well, what
ful statues from certain campus with shotguns, if we took in
doom through the cre- shouting SNOWFLAKES. one final step
ation of a statue garden Many questions have and said that
in the center of campus. arisen about the statues sans happened
It was created in order on campus. Social media to be ness from
to class up campus, and is abuzz with questions earthbound. He
remind our students of about who these mysteri- hopped through
their heritage, according ous men carved into white the phase dis
to the u[sic]GA Director of stone are. History profes- torted as a
Diversity Rockwall Jack- sors have been forced to test of cour
dad. put up a sign outside the age, carry
The garden will fea- statue garden explaining ing his frank
ture convenient places the War of Northern Ag- lin badge, a
for students to stroll gression. photobook,
around and admire the The photographer for and his trusty
ancient artwork, chat the Red and Black, while backpack.
with friends, study and visiting the garden to Not only do all
reminisce about the Con- take photos, encountered the items in
federacy. a student who was stand- the workshop
I really just dont un- ing completely still in suddenly fit,
derstand why everyone front of said sign. but so does
wants to get rid of these, What does this say? in- sans behavior.
said Davis Jefferson, the quired the young woman. Remember, sans
curator of the confeder- I cant read. can seemingly
acy garden. Theyre beau- u[sic]GA is also cam- teleport. And
tiful statues. It was just a paigning to get the motto ness just hap
war. Get over it. of the town of Athens pens to have
The administration at changed. the ability
u[sic]GA is excited about To clarify, the War PSI teleport.
the addition to campus. of Northern Aggression Now look at
They expressed their inter- was not about slavery, it how sans stands,
est in keeping the history was about states rights, hands in his
alive and well in the Ath- said Jefferson in his press pockets, legs
ens community. When the release about the new out, it looks
Red and Black reporter garden. very similar to
// GNUS
ROLF
SON OF A SHEPHERD
HE CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY
On Nov. 11, 2017, a suspect
dressed in orange and navy cloth-
ing, wearing a visor and a pair
of glasses mugged the travelling
university [sic] of Georgia football
team and made off with the teams
most valuable possession: their
undefeated season.
The confrontation lasted over
three hours, which was frankly
unnecessary, since the team was
completely incapacitated after the
first 30 minutes. Despite this, the
suspect kept attacking the team,
adding insult to injury.
The suspects current location
is unknown, though sources say
he has been spotted in a rural city
in Alabama. There is some specu-
lation that the suspect may travel
to Atlanta to confront the play-
ers again, which we would really
rather did not happen thank you.
EMERGENCY ALERT
Over the weekend, university
[sic] police discovered that the
stock of emergency supplies the
school [sic] keeps on hand in the
event of a nationwide cataclysm,
like having a football season under
STUDENT DIVERSITY AMBASSADOR
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 5
10 wins or those GODDAMN handler. how ness is shown
JACK-ITS doing you know what Look on the bright side, he on most of the
to our you know who. said. At least the college [sic] of marketing for
Detectives were shocked that Engineering wont suffer from the game. It
the perpetrators discovered the this event, since, you know, they even explains
stock, since it was located in a werent accredited in the first why sans bleeds
small broom closet in the engi- place. when you hit
neering department, with the Uga died shortly after from the him. He is,
door labeled EMERGENCI scraps of paper blocking his tiny, or at least,
SOOPLIES DO NOT OPEN ;). fat-clogged windpipe. May he rest WAS, a human.
Police are looking for the in peace. Oh and fi
criminal mastermind who broke nally, sans is
into this secure facility, which FRAT PARTY ENDS EARLY only one letter
had state-of-the-art security mea- On Sunday, Nov. 12 at 12:15 removed from
sures such as a single padlock and a.m., the Tri-Kap fraternity at being an ana
a copy of the oath from the Ma- u[sic]Ga was charged by cam- gram of ness.
rauders Map. pus police with ending their Thats just a
If anyone has recovered any party early. fun one. I
supplies, please contact campus The party was scheduled to go thought it was
police with the standard three- from 11:00 p.m. till the sun came worth mention
bark emergency signal. up, but the party ended due to a ing. But if
Contents of the stash included shortage of alcohol. there was any
a single box of Natty Lite and THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! doubt, we have
several tear-stained pictures of students chanted in response to to look no
Mark Richt. the lack of Natty Lite and Crown further than
Russe Vodka. the creators
UGA EATS ACCREDITATION We are working hard to deter- previous work.
Graduation was brought to a mine what led to this unfortunate Toby Fox, the
halt this past semester when it was event, a police spokesperson said, man behind
discovered that the universitys We take allegations of ending undertale,
[sic] accreditation was missing. parties early very seriously. had previ
After a brief search, officials found If charged, the Tri-Kap frater- ously worked
scraps of the official documents nity could lose their tractor licens- on a hallow
around Sanford. They followed es and be forced to actually attend een hack for
this paper trail to the location of classes. Furthermore, this being earthbound.
Ugas doghouse, where they dis- the third offense this year for Tri- But this isnt
covered a feast of papers being Kap, the fraternity will face the just a simple
consumed by the live mascot. three strikes and youre out rule. reskin. The
I just cant believe Uga could We dont know what hap- halloween hack
do something like this. No, pened, said Jack Mehoff, Tri-Kap tells the tale
his stubby legs and inability to President, I thought a six pack of of dr. an
breathe unassisted should have natty and a handle of Russe would donuts after
killed him while he was trying to be enough? the events of
get to the papers. I am genuinely Police are asking for anyone earthbound.
amazed that he isnt dead already, who attended the party to report Remember i
frankly, said Lee Shed, Ugas to the station to give statements. pointed him
The vision of The GT Diversity Ambassadors is to connect all
people in order to cultivate an inclusive community that
educates, collaborates, and advocates together.
OrgSync application due Jan.26,2018 https://goo.gl/k1ZMgH
Questions? Contact Karen Liu (yiuk@gatech.edu)
Onions
ONIONS EDITOR: spicy boy
Its ya boi.
Skinny Penis
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion
You cant explain that
100 percent of our ed board agrees
A rumour that has continuously been that climate change is real and caused by
making rounds on so-called news chan- human activity, but as an editorial board
nels and publications is what is now for the college newspaper, we need to ask
termed as climate change. Or global the hard questions. Ninety-eight percent
warming or whatever theyre calling it of the time, climate scientists are wrong
today. every time.
However, scientists keep this data that What about the other five percent?
they keep putting out. They call them What do they think?
facts that they get from research. Why doesnt anyone call them and
Furthermore, they flaunt this data ask?
with little regard for peoples personal However, there are many who con-
beliefs, and allow little room for discus- tinue to believe that the earths climate is
sion in the matter. cyclical and changes naturally over time.
Moreover, this intolerance is common Moreover, this isnt the question we
in the field and hasnt helped them win need to ask. Climate scientists may some-
over any hearts. times make tons of money in legitimiz-
However we have not seen proven ing man-made warming of the planet.
proof that human beings are causing a Furthermore, it is fair, then, therefore,
change in the weather. to pose the question of who is funding
However, we all know that a con- these individuals who continue to per-
sensus on the science has not been form and publish their research, even as
reached yet. the EPA, our modern-day propaganda
Ninety-five percent of scientists say ministry, is being defunded.
The Consensus Onion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of THWg, but not
necessarily the opinions of individual editors.
t.h.w.u.g.a. editorial board
Charlie Kelly EDITOR-IN-CHIEF-KEEF
Fat Mac MASSAGING EDITOR
Dennis Reynolds ONIONS EDITOR
Frank Reynolds GNUS EDITOR Macs Mom SPURTS EDITOR
Rickety Cricket LAFF EDITOR Dee Reynolds INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR
Liam McPoyle WEB SPINNER Bill Ponderosa DONUT EDITOR
The Waitress PHOTOGRAPHY REDDITOR Artemis GLUE EATER
Charlies Mom THE IMPLICATION Ryan McPoyle WITH FAVA BEANS
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN BY THE BIG TIGER
THWgawga
Friday,
November 17, 2017
6
your views
Dear editar,
I am so sad by why you are hurt-
ing our student athletes. Like, such as,
there are many students who are play-
ing football. Some play in the. Campus
green. I always used to play football
but then I hurt my nee.
You cannot play football with know
nee. I have a nee but so i dont know
why i said that. There are so many
people who hurt. I have many things
in common with our football play-
ers. People say they dont know math
but i know counting. One. two. three .
something after that! There are so many
number and i will learn some!!
Also I want to know, why people ac-
cus our players of getting into crime.
We are one of the best team. Sometimes
I like watvhinh us run. Chubb runs so
fast. Other people run fast too. But
nobody runs like Chubb! He is chubby
hahahaha.
Other player I like is Blazovetch.
Blaizeivitz is one of my favorite play-
ers because he runs down field very
fast. Not as fest as Chub but Bleizivitch
is very good! Very. Good!
People have so many things to say but
firt you need to enjoy uga football. So
much good. Froom is very good quar-
terback. When he passes the ball I smile
bc everything will be good and nobody
will do bad things (but sometimes they
do bad tthings and then i have to go
out in the farm and kick my tractor.
P.S. kicking tractor did not make tery
godwin better. Good advice. But this
isnt advice article this is opinion ar-
ticle!!!!!! Hahahaha
In conclusion our football team is
being so hurt and i dont want them to
be hurt. Because if they are hurt then
they cannot play and if they cannot
play they cannot throw football and if
they cannot throw foobral they cannot
catch fotjlasd and if they cannot casdf
footb la than they cannt brake tekll
and i tha cnt dl a if th cennt run and
i wwnt thm to run fst
Some Nonsense
If you eat a bunch of spaghetti and wear a sweater to a rap
battle you deserve to lose
Jaden Smith
Write to us:
The Tree That Owns Itself
Got something to say? Then let your voice be heard.
Leave your letters at the base of the tree at South
Finkey and Dearing Streets. Letters will be retrieved,
read and published in a timely manner. If you happen
to be around the area late at night and see a hooded
figure picking up letters, do not interrupt them. Do
not talk to them. Do not make eye contact. Turn
around. Return to your home and whatever you do,
do not speak of the incident with others.
No postage necessary.
// ONIONS
two different opinions on one real-life issue
What do you think of Dr. Kaurs poetry?
DR. VUDY PECKER
PROF. ENGLISH
LITERATURE
The new wave of pop
poetry has left Ye Olde
Ivory Tower speechless.
Yet our institution has
jumped the metaphori-
cal shark, granting its
rising star, author of
Milk and Honey, not
only a professorship,
but also lifelong tenure.
Rupi Kaur has
agreed to join us in the
spring to teach poetry,
metaphysics and mys-
ticism, announced the
English departmental
chair in a recent meet-
ing. How initially sur-
prising for me that the
sage was still alive and
kicking! Great poet,
that Rumi. I mean
Rupi.
According to a de-
partment insider, the
School of Public Policy
keeps receiving grants
for its avant-garde re-
search on populism.
Our department wants
those grantsso were
trying to understand
the sorts of second-rate
institutions that are
easily hoodwinked by
people with no great
talent.
Ms. Kaur says she
can provide insight into
thatyou, know, into
the mentality of popu-
lists, and into the men-
tality of their dupes.
How?... She says shes a
why students pick
uga over tech
IVANA TINKLE
7TH-YEAR ENGLISH LIT
Many people will ask me
why I decided do go for a
week instead of tecnology.
Thare were many reasons,
mainy, that technomogy
means I have to study and
not appreciate. But in any
case, here are a feu reasons:
ACADEMICIANS
I wanted to go to school,
whech was not going to
challenge me. Thoughds
are very hard and my head
hurts. And as I was studying
in hige school on the ground,
I seemed to be the perfect
place for me.
Besides, the technicians
are too smart and smart. I
wanted to feel like the most
intelligent individual number
Head-to-head
clairvoyant. And Rupi
is a mystic.
I believe shes a mys-
tic. Shes got a glowing
spirit that transcends
the trappings of aca-
demia.
Kaurs work attests
(insistently) to her
souls phosphorescence.
One powerful couplet
goes, How is it so easy
for you to be kind?/
Cause people have not
been kind to me.
Readers are welcome
to identify with the
Me of her work, who is
sometimes cunningly
disguised as a name-
less She.
The She undergoes
as many tribulations as
the downtrodden Me,
both eternally under-
valued by the reprehen-
sible He (who appears
in cameo with a wolfish
pack of Them).
Rupi by no means
lacks talent. She has
the thematic instinct of
a colossus, who in a sin-
gle couplet she demol-
ishes entire themes. Her
themes do not glitter
subtly beneath the sur-
face, but are displayed
with all the finesse of
a lepidopterologist pin-
ning live butterflies to
corkboard.
It must follow that Po-
etess Kaur has a poetic
character. And a mar-
ketable poetic charac-
ter is a good substitute
for poetic talent.
one.
The Weekly GOD manage-
ment program talked to me.
It was a program that really
was to be. Trainin for losing.
THE SOCIAL
Being surroundid by my
people, Hella Hella is im-
portant to me. People en
Tech talked about courses
and jobs and the world was
changing too much. Unev-
ersity should be exectly the
same as the high school, but
found. I wanted to talk to my
friends and tell my love for
tractors and alcohol.
In spite of that, I had to
make the most beautiful
people in technology. Greek
life is so low in technology,
and I am very important to
people around me.
In addition, is it even so-
SALLY MONELLA
TA ENGLISH
LITER ATUR E
Poetry has left the
Alter ivory tower
speechless.
However, our agency
has jumped out meta-
phorically for sharks,
giving its rising star,
author of milk and bee,
not only a professor,
but also a tenure of of-
fice.
At a recent meet-
ing, the British de-
partment president
announced: Rupiah
Caul has agreed to join
us in the spring to join
us in teaching poetry,
metaphysics, and mys-
ticism.
To me it was initial-
ly surprising that the
saint was still alive,
kick! The great poet,
Rumi. I mean Rupi.
According to one in-
sider, ... the Institute
of Public Policy con-
tinues to receive re-
wards for avant-garde
populist research, and
our department wants
these grants ... so we
try to understand
those who are easily
deceived by those who
do not have much tal-
ent Second-rate insti-
tutions.
Ms. Caul said she
can dig deeper into
this - you know, popu-
list mentality and their
silly mentality. how?
cial, if there is no alcohol?
also,i needed to up my in-
stagram nd snapchat folow-
ers so uga is like the perfect
plcae to be. theres tons of al-
cohol, dum and hot frat guys
and tractors to go around
i really wanted to get a
selfie with ugga
FINANCIAL
Unlike technology, uGA
became clear how smart I
was, and they gave me so
much money to come here.
Its not like i need the mon-
ey, but like ... Id rather be
treated like im importunt as
important.
FUN
There are so many inter-
esting things in Uruguay.
They learn and help change
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 7
She said she is trans-
parent.
Rupi is a mystic.
I believe she is a mys- If you were a dog, what
tic.
Her spirit transcends kind of hat would you
the light of academia. wear?
Kaurs work (perse-
verance) proved the
phosphorescence of
her soul.
A pair of strong cou-
plets:
How are you so
kind? / Because people
are unkind to me.
Readers are welcome
to agree with her work,
she is sometimes cyni-
cal disguised as anony-
mous her.
She has suffered as PERSON ONE
much suffering as I am FIRST-YEAR METAPHYSICS
oppressed.
And those who are
to be condemned are I would wear a beret but
always underrated only if I were a corgi.
(they appear in a pack
of wolves).
Rupi is by no means
lacking in talent.
She has a huge theme
instinct, she removed
the whole theme in a
couple.
Her theme does not
flicker slightly beneath
the surface, but rather
all the tips Lepidop-
tera biologists pin the
living butterfly on the SECOND PERSON
cork board. PROF
It must follow Poetss
Caulfers poetic char- A fedora.
acter.
Marketability is a
good alternative to
poet talent.
NUMBER THREE
the worlds technology. Too
bad some super fun stuff SECOND-YEAR PREMED
to dance on the table. My
friends and I like to make Yes.
fun of the wings behind and
laugh at the people in the
city. I can not be friends,
educated with people who
think global warming is real,
and it looks like hes sucking
ass.
FOOTBALL
Youga is the best team, I
do not even see how we play.
Winning means tons of tons
of eparying, so I love uga.
hour.
LAST GUY
Basically actually learning THIRD-YEAR TRACTOR
anyth ng suck and ppl should
come uga find out about the bEER HELMET.
technique because we are
the first cool and gettign
edumacation is very lame. Photos by Instergram Student Publications
Make it fashionable.
Separate yourself from the rest with a beautiful website

Sign up with your .edu email to receive 50% off.

D O M A I N S | W E B S I T E S | O N L I N E S TO R E S
// ONIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 9
Ask The Tree That
OUR VIEWS | HOT OR NOT
HOT or
NOT Owns Itself
Dear Tree,
Im considering dropping out
of college to pursue a business
venture. The idea is to be a pho-
tography company for publish-
ing companies that specializes
in author photos on their book
covers. Itll be called, Face-
book. Should I pursue the busi-
ness or continue to pursue a
Masters in turf management?
- Hopeful Entrpreneur
Dear Hopeful Entrpreneur,
With a name as catchy as Facebook,
it could catch on pretty quickly. I actu-
ally have some distant cousins in the
Amazon, maybe youve heard of it.
Dear Tree,
Im having a hard time sat-
isfying my girlfriend. It seems
like no matter what I do, I al-
ways leave her wanting more
while Im more than content. I
feel as though this disparity is
straining our relationship, and I
dont know what to do. Is it me?
Or is it just my ability to cook for
her? What do you think?
- Hopeless Romantics
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
I think that in addition to cooking
for your girlfriend, you could put out.
Unless youre as bad in bed as you are in
the kitchen.
Dear Tree,
Can u down a 20 foot wa-
terslide pegnart over spring
break?
- Pegnart
Dear Pegnart Spring Breaker,
Why dont you try it and let us know
so you can save us all the effort?
Dear Tree,
I took a philosophy class on
campus and the resulting exis-
tential crisis has me question-
ing everything I thought I knew.
My whole reasoning for enroll-
ing at u(sic)ga was for their
journalism school, but now that
I know that the media serve and
propagandize on behalf of the
societal interests that finance
them, I am worried about my
own integrity. What should I do?
- Enlightened One
Dear Enlightened One,
Take a deep breath.
Its good for you and me because of
photosynthesis. In my opinion, were all
just dead leaves, flowing in the wind,
but consider the fact that I am a tree
that owns itself.
I own myself so dead leaves like you
cant tell me what to do or where to
grow.
Laff
Ranking jobs for uGA grads
THICC BOI
TIP OF THE FOOD PYRAMID
Graduation is quickly ap-
proaching, and with it comes life
in the real, adult world. As you
near this epic event that many
said would never be possible, take
some time to consider all the doors
your uGA degree will open. The
most lucrative of these is likely to
be work in the fast food industry.
Many local chains are currently
looking for qualified members to
join their team. The diversity of
skills gained during your studies,
such as doing your own laundry,
remembering to text your parents
to pay your bills and perfecting
the number of days you can go
without showering, make you the
perfect candidate, and the fast
food industry knows it. Sifting
through the diverse and plentiful
workplace options available can
be really, really hard, so here is a
narrowed down list of the places
that will best fit someone with
your qualifications.
Checkers The glamour
of working for a burger brand
as prominent as McDonalds or
Burger King can be daunting, so
the small size and lesser pressure
of checkers is great for those used
to not being in the spotlight. This
is a classic American fast food es-
tablishment, meaning you wont
have to deal with pronouncing
strange words like gua-ca-mo-le
or flat-bread. Here you can stick
to the basics and do exactly what
your education prepared you to
do: flip burgers and fry fries.
Taco Bell If youre more of
a world traveler and like to feel as
though youve left Athens without
ever doing so, then Taco Bell is
the place for you. Taco Bell is ripe
with cultural diversity, serving
items such as tacos, burritos, and
the classic cheese quesadilla. Just
pronouncing someones order will
surely make you feel as though
youve been transported to a dif-
UGA X (the dog)
FLEE BAHG
DAWG CATCHER
woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof
LIFE EDITOR: THWuGA
The Brain Tips on How to Cook your Possum
ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR:
Pinky
Learn the techniques to getting your possum nice and
juicy because you're worth it. May Belleen469
10
Friday,
life@nique.net November 17, 2017
ferent continent such as Mexico. shiny things. If youre into the exactly what they didnt order.
Sonic So maybe your tee glamourous side of fast food, then Furthermore, if you are one of the
ball to MLB plan didnt quite look no further than Long John lucky few who are chosen to work
pan out, but you still have that Silvers. Serving quality, exotic at the flagship location in Tech
competitive, athletic spirit inside food such as fish and even shrimp Square, you will have the once in
you. If this is you, then Sonic is will have you feeling like the king a life time opportunity to listen to
the perfect fit. The professional,
challenging environment your
of the ocean. Some have even
gone so far as to call the food here
what life could be like if you were
smart, or driven, or cool as Tech
Overallz
parents desperately want for you the sushi of fast food. Working in students pass through for a meal.
is augmented by the fact that you an establishment of such prestige Each of these fine establish- JEAN HOE
get to race around on skates. Its will show the world that the hard ments has an extensive network FASHUN CONSULTATING
everything you love about sports: work you put in at uGA was well of alumni currently under their
yelling, sports, food, all in one worth it. employment who would be more Do you have trouble deciding
package. Plus, you are getting Waffle House Someone than happy to help you get your what to wear in the morn-
paid to do a sport, even if it isnt has to serve the delicious late- foot in the door, and your career ing? Or do you have trouble
a traditional one. Do your friends night food that Tech students in fast food on track. What bet- even putting clothes on in the
really need to know the whole have come to love. Waffle House ter way to end your years of hard first place?
truth anyway? is perfect for those who have an work earning your degree than by Whether youre trying to nail
Long John Silvers Fish have unceasing love of breakfast food, seeing it pay off in the form of a that interview for McDon-
scales, scales are shiny, you love and dont mind serving someone great career. alds French fryer position or
whether you havent quite fig-
ured out how to button those
jeans over your beer belly, fol-
low these tips to get you out
the door looking as fresh as a
new bale of hay.
ONE LEG AT A TIME
If youre having trouble putting
your pants on in the morning,
always remember this phrase:
one leg at a time. Its a good
phrase for life. For example,
if youve found yourself trip-
ping over your ego, just re-
member to take it one leg at
a time. The phrase is actu-
ally One step at a time, but
I reckon you wont know the
difference.
MONOGRAMS
Now if your oversized com-
fort colors T-shirt isnt mono-
grammed yet, youre doing it
wrong. Its helpful especially if
you usually forget your name,
which you probably do. But
make sure you have someone
else do it for you. Youll prob-
ably spell your initials wrong.
Actually, I bet your cousin
Photo courtesy of Frie for u
has already monogrammed a
camo-print comfort colors T-
One of the top and most competitive jobs, McDonalds (pictured above) only accepts 2% of UGA shirt with your initials for your
Graduates. However, there are still many other underrated fast food joints for the average grad. anniversary, so hes probably
expecting you to wear it on
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof your next date night. I think
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof that was supposed to be a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof surprise, but hes probably al-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ready messaged you about it
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof on familyonly.com.
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof PFGS
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof You know those PFG shirts
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof youve been wearing? Do you
woof woof woof woof woof woof ruff woof woof woof even know what PFG stands
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof for? Of course you dont. Stop
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof wearing those highlighter-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof colored fishing shirts. You just
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof look dumb.
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof OVERALLS
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof If you want to get really fan-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof cy, and if you want to catch
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof the eye of that second cousin
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof youve been flirting with at
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof your recent 4-H meetings,
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof be sure to slip on a pair of
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof overalls. Remember that trick
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof I taught you: One leg at a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof time. And to add that extra
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof somethin, hug your pigs and
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof livestock on the way out. May-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof be milk some cows before you
woof woof woof woof woof woowoof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof leave too. Thatll give you a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof scent that leaves your second
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. cousin pining over you.
// LAFF TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 11

how to get a job with your useless degree

TARA DACTYL of the foods only have a few rather than a crayon to make them think youre nor-
TP DESIGNER ingredients so you wont get update your resume mally clean. Theyll like you
confused. You always want to make even more if you can find
Finding a job can be diffi- Brush your tooth be- sure your resume (paper with soap to use.
cult for anyone but for those fore you go your job history) is current Give up
with a degree from an unac-
credited university it gets
much harder. Here are some
interview tips to help you find
your dream job.
Dont show up drunk
People get nervous fir in-
terviews so it may seem like a
good idea to take the edge off
with a beverage (whiskey) but
some businesses prefer you
show up sober (not drunk)
to your interview and subse-
quently (after that) your job. If
you must drink alcohol (moon-
shine), do so before you get
there and avoid taking your
flask (jug) with you.
Dont spit your dip in
the interviewers trash
While dip may seem more
efficient (practical) than re-
peated smoke breaks, spitting
it out will repulse (gross out)
your interviewer (the person
asking you questions).
Check your favorite
restaurants for job
openings
The best place to look for The more teeth you have, and ready to go for an inter- If you given up on finding
work are places youre quali- the better but it may be too view. While updating it make a job because they all have
fied for. Try checking your fa- late all ready. Brushing what sure to use pen or pencil rath- such difficult requirements,
vorite fast food restaurants, teeth you have will prevent er than crayon. It will seem apply to teach at your alma
if you go often enough they any unwanted smells that much more professional. mater (the school you went
may already know you. Youll could hurt your chance at get- Shower. to). Theyll surely take you es-
get discounts on your favor- ing a job. Taking a shower or bath pecially since theyre respon-
ite nutritious food and most Attempt to find a pen before your interview will sible for you lack of education.

oh god how did this get here

i am not good with computer
To H
wit
geor
This space provided as a public ser
HELL
ith
rgia!
public service by the Technique.
14 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LAFF

p.m. after having five shots of te-

I think it was just something SEX FROM PAGE 10UMP quila and ready to get down with
we were exposed to a lot in our OESNTJ what she thought was going to be
childhood, said James. JKTHISD
SNOODS
a club with male strippers.
Really I think it goes beyond There were no nude dudes!
childhood. When we were in the
womb together I feel like we FOR NOODLY
she said very frustrated (although
this might just be sexual frustra-
got exposure to the whole par-
DOODS
tion). I wanted to see some lewd
ty lifestyle, said Jones. nude dudes before I got married
Yeah we really went hard in instead I saw scrawny guys serving
the womb, said James. Snoodle Noodle, or Snood for noodles!

STUDENTS
short, is the new noodle restaurant This failed marketing cam-
Ive actually got a pretty that just opened up near campus paign follows the Valentines Day
funny story about my first and has caused much confusion
SPEAK FIRST
debacle titled, Are you Lonely?
words. We always tell everyone among its patrons. Although it Have some Noods with Doods
my first word was fries, but I has only been a couple of months
WORDS
which was supposed to give single
actually managed to say a whole since its opening the store just re- people motivation to go outside
phrase. My first phrase was branded itself in hopes of attract- on the saddest day of their year,
ALBERTA BLOOMINGTON Would you like fries with that? ing more customers. The all-male Valentines Day, AKA Singles
PROFESSIONAL DOOR KNOCKER Its something I think Im go- wait staff, once a nameless group Awareness Day , AKA My Hand
ing to use my whole life. of staffers are now called the is My Best Friend Day, by setting
A childs first words are a Funny how that works. Nood Doods, which is where the lonely people up on dates at the
magical experience for par- Your first words in a confusion began. Flyers around Snood to eat noodles together.
ents. The following stories way are also your Athens were passed around titled, Instead, a bunch of naked peo-
range from heartwarming last words, said Party with the Nood Doods at ple showed up to the restaurant
to encouraging. Dont wor- Liz Johnson. the Snood. looking for professional photog-
ry if you havent had your Many people were disappoint- raphers to take nudes with their
first word yet, these sto- D a w g s . ed. Tara Highman, a soon-to-be- dudes.
ries provide hope for all. What else bride wanted to have her bach- The so called family-friendly
would my elorette party at a strip club. She establishment is having a difficult
My first word was frat, first word entered Snoodle Noodles at 11 time getting the Snood.
said Brad Langford. My be? I live
parents were super proud. and breathe
It was everything they this school
had dreamed of and and every-
more. Im a legacy. It thing I do
was meant to be. is dawgs.
GOOOO
Were twins, so you DAWGS.
think wed have the SIC EM,
same last name, W O O F
said Robert Jones. W O O F
Dude, theyre WOOF!
asking about our
first word, said T h e r e
Bobert James. you have it.
Oh! Yeah we While all of
didnt have the our student body
same first word ei- cant write, we can
ther, said Jones. all talk and boy do
Do you think its strange we like to. Everyones
that we dont have the same first word is very impor-
last name? said James. tant, and especially these stu-
Well at least our first words dents stories.
were related. My first word was Bye bye everybody, including
chug, said Jones. any titanic survivors bye bye
And my first word was shots. bye bye bye bye BYE BYE BYE.

hi maura
Innertaintment
Tootsie Pop horror short best of tractor drive-in
FILMS
The Straight Story; Jaws;
How Many Licks Does It
Take to Get to the Tootsie
Roll Center of a Tootsie
Pop?; Duck and Cover
GENRE: Drama; Sci-Fi; Horror;
Mystery
STARRING: Old man on
tractor; sharks; Mr. Owl; Bert
the Turtle
DIRECTOR: Hollywood bois
RATING: Old enough 2 drink
RELEASE DATE: Tractor
drive-in exclusives
OUR TAKE: ing Mr. Owl, How many licks
JOHN DEERE
AGRICULTURE, CANDY AND
AMPHIBIAN CORRESPONDENT
Two weeks ago, u[sic]GA held
its first tractors-only drive in film
festival. It was a terrific success
and doubled as an opportunity to
show off some of the gnarly-est
tricked out tractors the school [sic]
had to offer.
The two advertised films
shown that night were the classic
The Straight Story and a little
known film about sharks called
Jaws. Of course, The Straight needed.
Story captivated the audience as
it has never failed to do since its
debut in 1999.
But most lost interest in Jaws
when one of the actors ruined the
suspension of disbelief when she
gleefully runs into the ocean and
miraculously does not sink imme-
diately and drown.
This ridiculousness is repeated
throughout the movie when mul-
Toby Keith thinks hes 2 cool 4 us u[sic]ga kids
Toby Keith is surprised by paparazzi. Keith, who normally looks better, recently turned down
an invitation to play UGAs homecoming concert, citing concerns over the concert environment.
tiple other characters managed to
keep their heads above the sur-
face of the water without vis-
ibly standing on or holding onto
anything.
With a tried-and-true classic
and its appalling follow-up, the
entertainment for the night was
rounded out by mediocre short
films, which were shown before
The Straight Story began. One
of these even posed a question that
u[sic]GA researchers [sic] are now
actively trying to answer.
In this short film, a boy wan-
ders through a psychedelic land-
scape taking advice from various
animals named Mr. Cow, Mr. Fox
and Mr. Turtle before finally ask-
does it take to get to the tootsie
roll center of a tootsie pop?
Mr. Owl determines that it
takes three licks, but according
to the narration, this is not the
right answer. The ominous voice
even goes so far as to say that the
world may never know [the correct
answer].
As sometimes happens, this
frivolous question, posed simply
to advance the plot of this Tootsie
Pop-themed horror film, sparked
debate in the scientific commu-
nity, and a fully-fledged research
team [sic] has formed to find the
true answer of how many licks are
In the two weeks since seeing
the film, u[sic]GA scientists [sic]
have managed at least four licks
before giving up on their research
and simply sucking on the lollipop
like a normal human being.
After several failed attempts,
the team decided to shift their fo-
cus from merely counting licks to
designing measures to prevent this
ingrained habit from taking over.
While seeking further insight
into the mind-boggling Tootsie
Pop question, researchers sifting
through old short films stumbled
upon some heretofore ridiculed
footage featuring an assassination
attempt of the beloved icon Bert
the Turtle, the forerunner of the
cheery Duck & Cover singalong
show from the 1950s.
All work on the Tootsie Pop
Old man on a tractor stars as an old man on a tractor in Straight Story, a drama about an old man
on a tractor. Seriously, this is a real film. It got an Oscar Nomination in 1999. Go look up the trailer.
Photo courtesy of Google Images
INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR:
Oscar M.E. Grammy
ASSISTANT INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR:
Daniel Devito
nudecelebsforfree@gmail.com November 17, 2017
project has come to a standstill
as u[sic]GA scientists [sic] debate
whether they should continue the
original endeavor or try to restore
color to the attempted assassina-
tion turned suicide in order to
possibly identify the murderous
monkey.
So far, there is no word as to
when either project will be com-
pleted, but they expect to be wrap-
Photo courtesy of the American Tractor-Film Institute
BO
CELEBRITY GOSSIP EDITOR
For the fifteenth year in a row,
country musician Toby Keith has
declined an invitation to perform
at ugas homecoming concert.
Keith, best known for his classic
hit songs Courtesy of the Red
White and Blue and Red Solo
Cup, cited his frail health in his
response to the universitys annual
invitation.
Keiths music, much like
our own Bulldogs, is a favorite
of porch-sitting South Georgia
good-ole-boys that simply arent
aware that any other alternatives
exist.
In fact, georgias homecoming
concert has historically been at-
tended mostly by people not affili-
ated with the school at all.
This can be attributed to Geor-
gias No Man-Child Left Be-
hind initiative in which they give
former middle-school students
a team to root for, a homecom-
ing concert to attend and a logo
to proudly display on the back of
their lifted Ford F150.
Can you imagine the smell of
2,000 mouths full of dead, rot-
ting teeth? Keith wrote in his
THeckingWg
Friday,
15
ping up the debate of which to fo-
cus their attention on by the time
Half-Life 3 is released.
In the meantime, students have
organized two opposing cults
clubs; the larger organization eats
Tootsie Pops all day everyday
while the thinner group endeavors
to locate Bert the Turtle in case
he remembers anything that could
help identify the suicidal monkey.
response. Just the thought makes
me nauseous. And this is coming
from a guy that performs in arenas
full of Black and Mild smoke.
The universitys policy to allow
non-students into the concert has
been met with controversy since it
went into effect in 1998. As a de-
fense, the administration contests
than any non-affiliated attendees
would have been admitted into
the university anyway.
My tours have taken me all
across south Georgia, Keith
stated. Ive seen babies in uga
onesies drinking Icehouse forties
for Gods sake. These people are
nuts!
On his next tour, the country
music star will be playing shows at
the annual meeting of the South-
eastern Brotherhood of Plumb-
ers, the International Meeting of
Bear Trappers, the City of Detroit
Trash Collectors Ball, Devry
Universitys homecoming festi-
val and the Republican National
Convention.
Naturally, we should never
have expected our humble home-
coming celebration to compete
with gigs as glamorous as these,
but Keiths refusal to play here is
still a major disappointment for
Dawg country.
16 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
1969 Sesame Street is a thriller for ~intellectuals~
TELEVISION
Sesame Street
NETWORK: PBS
WHEN: July 21, 1969-now
STARRING: Jim Henson,
Frank Oz
OUR TAKE: terms are an everyday part of El-
@PINKAVOCADO
MILLENIAL CULTURE CRITIC
Old shows suck. Anything that
isnt available in IMAX 3D is way
too old to have any cinemato-
graphic value. Thats why its such
a shocker that the 1969 television
series Sesame Street is the mas-
terpiece it is. Fast paced action.
Complex drama. Philosophical
statements. Sesame Street has got
it all, proving itself the most emo-
tional documentary drama weve
seen yet.
Sesame Street takes place in
the streets of New York City, 69,
and follows the lives of people in
this American melting pot. One
of the main critical angles of this
documentary is in following the
diversity of people in America.
We see the different cultures
that come together in New York
with a lavish cast of characters
who represent the influx of bird
people, trolls, fuzzies and blue
folk that entered the country in
the 1969 wave of mass immigra-
tion. Sesame Street makes sure
Getting a hard-on for Hardees: an oral sensation
RESTAURANT
Hardees
LOCATION: 496 North Ave,
Athens, GA
CUISINE: Fast
COST: < $10
HOURS: 6 a.m. 10 p.m.
PHONE: (706) 353-6563
OUR TAKE: serving it to their customers, as
ANDREW PUZDER
SECRETARY OF LABOR
What makes a restaurant
great? In our educated opinion,
any culinary masterpiece is built
upon three characteristics: edibil-
ity, temperature and relative taste
of plastic. Finally reopening after
a catastrophic health inspection,
Hardees is exemplifying why it is
the official restaurant of uga.
In order to have the most whole-
some experience and create a well-
informed critique, I ordered one of
everything on the menu, and after
spending the night in the hospital,
the only thing I can remember eat-
ing is the restaurants staple of the
menu: the charbroiled cheeseburg-
er with a vanilla shake and side
of fries.
On this particular day, the fries
were perfectly soggy the only
form of fries that perfectly encap-
sulates the salty goodness all fries
have. The flavor was so consistent,
I didnt even notice if there were
any color differences throughout
the side.
The shake was somehow even
better: large pieces of ice through-
out the drink not only kept it cold,
// INNERTAINTMENT
to highlight how intelligent and of us ever heard of any octagon was five sides really existing, see whats coming or ever know
attractive these New Yorkers are before. making this guest star episode one whats going on. The inner city
by showing the grueling labors of Even through the very end, we of the most psychologically taxing drama and constant plot twists
their everyday lives. never quite know if Jack Black and episodes yet. will make you feel smarter and
These people are forced to Elmo were serious about the five Its thrilling to be wrong with more cultured every episode. 5/5,
take on Herculean tasks that we sided shape Im pretty sure it this show, because you can never a masterpiece.
couldnt even imagine. Complex
single-digit addition and the lin-
ear formation of monosyllabic
mos life. He never breaks a sweat.
After seeing how proudly the
characters of Sesame Street con-
duct themselves through math
problems I can only describe as
psychological trauma, every apple
Big Bird counts brings will bring
another tear to your eyes.
If you thought you were smart,
the Count will break your mind.
The Count is a genius vampire
who poses theoretically possible
mathematical formulas on public
television in hopes of reaching
minds powerful enough to com-
pute real solutions to them.
Every one of his equations
are impossibly hard, and every
one is a complete blow from the
dark; even if you think you finally
found a pattern to his segment of
the show BAM! Something
new appears and the Count is as
unpredictable as ever.
The 69 show even features
Jack Black on one of its episodes.
Holy crud Jack Black! Kung-fu
Panda with Elmo and octagons!
Kung-fu Panda has me in tears ev-
ery time, and Sesame Street plays Photo courtesy of Ken Burns
mind games every episode. Are Elmo drowns his sorrows on the side of a West Bronx street in Sesame Street. The 1969
octagons even real? I know none television documentary follows the gritty daily lives of a diverse group of street-smart New Yorkers.
but it added a crunch that I never
knew I wanted. And the burger,
oh the burger! Despite the patty
being a third of a pound, it must
have weighed five pounds in my
stomach before I collapsed from
caloric intake. But like I always
say, if you arent clogging your ar-
teries, you arent eating right!
One has to also appreciate
that they take the time to freeze
everything on the menu before
nobody wants any of their food to
go bad before its served. Anyone
with a brain prefers the inside of
a hamburger to be frozen solid as
opposed to being rotten. An addi-
tional benefit is being able to lick
the patty like a popsicle after eat-
ing the rest of the burger, so its
essentially a free dessert I dont
know another restaurant so eco-
nomical and consumer-friendly.
Any legitimate restaurateur
knows that the environment
surrounding a meal is almost as
important as the meal itself. It
should complement the cuisine,
and enhance the experience alto-
gether. But what makes Hardees
special is how much the interior
of the establishment makes cus-
tomers focus on the food. The drab
color palette, the dim lights, the
musty air, all of which are devoid
of emotion, but more specifically,
are free of distraction. As a result,
the food is so much better.
For a good time, look no fur-
ther than the establishment that
represents every aspect of our
university to a tee. Since my visit
a week ago, Ive felt nothing but
school pride as I lean over a toi-
let and re-experience the awe and Photo courtesy of @hardeesluvr Instagram account
wonder that Hardees cuisine is Hardees likes to stimulate the mind as well as the palate. This riddle was recently sighted
synonymous with. on the local Hardees marque. Our cryptographer thinks it could be a derivative of pig Latin.
// INNERTAINTMENT TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 17
UGAs
a TAIL of two
DIFFERENCE:
SPOT the

ANSWER:
Unsolved so far.
Pls write us if u figure it out.
Reward: free tractor bumper
sticker
18 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // COMIC-SANS
// COMIC-SANS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 19
 MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION
January 10-26, 2018
January 10
MLK LECTURE:
Actualizing the
Dream: The Future of
Actualizing
Nonviolent Political
Protest
the Dream:
Featuring
Joy-Ann Reid
The Future
3 p.m. of Nonviolent
Student Center
Ballroom Political Protest
Joy-Ann Reid, author and
national correspondent
for MSNBC, will discuss
Dr. Kings legacy and
the future of his vision
of a beloved community,
achieved through
nonviolent principles.
RSVP:www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2018-mlk-
lecture

January 11
OPEN MIC:
Creating a Beloved
Community
7 p.m.
Under the Couch
Open Mic: Creating a
Beloved Community is
an event for creative
expression of social
justice through open mic
performances.
Contact:
d.simpson@gatech.
eduorcdunn39@
gatech.edu
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
January 11-14
FOCUS PROGRAM
Georgia Tech Hotel
January 15 January 16 January 18 January 25 For more
and Conference Center
MLK SUNDAY ACTUALIZING THE information
Focus is one of the NATIONAL MLK CAMPUSWIDE STUDENT
nations premier HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE CELEBRATION: SUPPER: A Community DREAM: The Role of Visit www.diversity.
programs for raising Dr. Martin Luther Actualizing the Dream: Meal and Conversation Hip-Hop in Political gatech.edu/
awareness of King Jr. Annual Creating A Beloved 6-8 p.m. Protest MLK-celebration
graduate education Commemorative Community Bill Moore Student 6 p.m.
among the brightest Service 7 p.m. Success Center, Ferst Center for Please let the designated
underrepresented 10 a.m. Student Center Presidents Suite the Arts event sponsor know if
students. Ebenezer Baptist Ballroom you need a reasonable
The Georgia Tech This event will feature accommodation to
Church This celebration community is invited to
Contact: award-winning author participate.
sybrina.atwaters@ Sponsored by The King will feature student come together over a and professor Dr. Bettina
omed.gatech.edu Center, 20 spaces at this speeches, cultural meal and discuss the Love discussing the TDD 404.894.1664
annual church service performances, and a MLK Celebration events, origin of hip-hop and its
will be available to the candle-lighting ceremony Dr. Kings legacy, and role in social activism,
January 15
Georgia Tech community for student organizations. the future of nonviolent past and present.
NATIONAL MLK through the MLK Day of Reception to follow. political protest. There are Performances will follow
HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE Service. 100 spaces available. the discussion.
Contact:miafloyd@
MLK Day of Service RSVP:
Visit: gatech.edu Contact:
8 a.m. - 2 p.m. www.engage.gatech. www.engage.gatech. larry.brown@housing.
Student Center edu edu gatech.edu or sherry.
Ballroom
Contact: murray@housing.
In this campuswide sirocus.barnes@ gatech.edu
initiative honoring the ceismc.gatech.edu
life and legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr., January 22-26
participants will serve
50 ACTS FOR MLK
in teams and engage
in service projects with Georgia Tech Campus
metro Atlanta community 50 Acts for MLK is
partners. a weeklong student
RSVP: event for committing
www.engage.gatech. acts of kindness and
edu appreciation across the
Georgia Tech campus in
Contact: the name of Dr. Martin
sarah.perkins@ Luther King Jr.
gatech.edu
Contact:
cdunn39@gatech.edu
// SPURTS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 21

Are Easons attempts to upstage Fromm failing?

reported an anonymous member Jacob missed our lecture that department funds to take out cell would be large enough, we
AVRIL LAVIGNE of UGAs press pool. day. He texted me to put his name a permanent lease on a cell in may at some point have to ex-
COMPLICATED SPORTS EDITOR Another failed attempted on the attendance sheet because Clarke County Jail for the use of pand and rent out a second cell.
against Fromm supposedly took he apparently was playing hide- his players during their visits. Its gonna be tough to make sure
Since the middle of the first place during the Dawgs bye-week and-go-seek and had found a re- The cell is the largest in the that we have no more than two
quarter of Georgias season open- of Oct. 21. After their morn- ally good hiding spot. The next jail, and, according to sources in- players in there at once.
er, quarterback Jake Fromm has ing workout, Eason challenged day, Eason attempted to practice side the facility, has recently been In the same interview, Smart
been the starter for the Dawgs, Fromm to a game of winner- with the first team because he relabeled as The Dawghouse. stressed that he believes the cell
leaving jealous quarterback/Lord take-all hide and seek. Eason was had thought that Fromm was seri- Ordinarily the cell would house will be a major tool for the coach-
Farquaad lookalike Jacob Eason heard to have said, If you win, ous about trading spots. [Jacob] up to four inmates, but it is being ing staff in recruiting, saying that
on the bench. Eason, a former you get to be quarterback, but if was pretty heated when he found adapted for the use of two ath- something like this is going to
five star prospect out of Lake Ste- I win, I get to be quarterback. out Fromm didnt actually try to letes at a time to allow the tenants look very appealing to the kinds
vens High School in Washington, Mistaking Easons proposition find him, explained offensive co- more living space. of athletes we like to target here.
is reportedly not pleased about for a joke, according to sources, ordinator Jim Chaney. In a gesture of goodwill, the At press time, Eason was re-
being benched. According to Fromm nonchalantly replied, Another thing both of them library has donated several books portedly at it again. He was paint-
sources, Eason is angry about go- Sure! You hide, Ill seek. Eason are fighting over is the right to to be kept in the cell for the intel- ing a road on a concrete wall on
ing from a stud who once bragged then dashed out of the locker spend more time in the uga jail lectual development of the play- North Campus and attempting to
about being the ultimate ladies room and was later observed cell. You probably wont read that ers, including copies of The Cat convince Fromm to drive through
man in Athens to becoming the sprinting across campus headed article so heres a short version. in the Hat, and Oh the Places it, despite the fact that the wall is
second-string of a lackluster foot- in the direction of a nearby cot- Earlier this week, football Youll Go. three-quarters of a mile from the
ball team, and the transition has ton field. A student from Easons coach Kirby Smart [sic] an- In an interview, Coach Smart nearest road and neither quarter-
taken a huge chunk out of Ea- pre-algebra class told the us that nounced that he has used athletic said that while he hoped that the back has a drivers license.
sons formerly proud reputation.
Sources inside the UGA locker
room say Eason has been caught
attempting to remove Fromm the
starter role in a number of hare-
brained schemes.
The first incident of Eason try-
ing to sabotage the more-skilled
Fromm allegedly occurred dur-
ing the teams transit to their
game against Notre Dame. On
the plane, Eason decided to play
the role of flight attendant and
offered to procure a Sprite for
Fromm. Once he obliged, Ea-
sons planned to spike the drink
with laxatives. However, Eason
decided that he too, was thirsty
for a delicious Sprite. After taint-
ing the drink, Eason reportedly
mixed up which one was his and
which one was Fromms. 50-50
shot, Eason was overheard say-
ing to himself as he returned to
his seat next to Fromm. About an
hour later, a horrible noise and
stench was apparently coming
from the lavatory. [Eason] was
in there for about two hours until Photo courtesy of Sarah, Pranav, Ben, Carolyn, Megan, Eli, Katie, Malavika, Sahil, Will and Andy
flight attendants forced him out Definitely an actual photo of former uga quarterback Jacob Eason trying very hard to win back his starting spot from freshman
because we were about to land, Jacob Fromm. Fromm has a very very thin neck as you can see but he can run very fast and oh no thats the end of the caption
22 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
T m ag scrobh alt i nGaeilge i ndirre?
BLARNEY KILLIAN
ALSO A SPORTS EDITOR
Tr cinn de thithe cumhachta
peile na deisceart - clemson, u
(sic) ga, agus tech - gach ceann
acu a madeline Is an sasr
a bass matthys roinnt neamh-
chinnteacht and duine sin a chad
qb, a bhuochas pranav il agus
cim a bhaint astu. Ach, in ain-
neoin neamhchaighdeanas coibh-
neasta a thugann aird ar rl qb a
thos, is gach scoil a bhfeictear
a n-uibheacha faoi bhr. Is seo
an trir quarterback ag danamh
go difriil agus an cfb a mhnl.
taquon marshall, georgia tech
in ainneoin gurb seo a bheidh
an cltaca bunscoile seo, iar-ardte-
icneolaochta Qb Justin Thomas,
Matthew Jordan Is an t-sasr
tosaithe at ag teicneolaocht qb,
t ciste peile jackets paul johnson
ag dul i mbun sisearacha taquon
marshall chun an sasr a thos i
gcoinne an babhla scoite a bh ar
an gcicn. Marshall
daisoc creidimh John fin air
fin tr na lirithe is ionsaitheacha
is fearr ag an qb ardteicneolaoch-
ta sin a chur ar dhuine blianta,
ag fs 249 slat agus an scoil sin
taifeadadh 5 touchdowns. an
cluiche ar leanint i gcoinne jack-
son state, lirigh marshall seo cad
an t-am a bh ar sil neamh-
ifeachtach (ach menmhid 1. 9
slat in aghaidh an iompair) taobh
thiar de na lne ionsaitheacha tu-
irlingthe amach, is fidir fin a
// SPURTS
bheith ifeachtach ar an cluiche m n mar a imronn s ar an aer. thar lear, lamar jackson, an nire- asdfjlas adsfj g thiar de baste en
a rith, tr thuaisceart a bhaint Chun an rookie sin, bryant is lead Buail cairtinil louisville 47-21 trum lasing georgie a beintlitz ver
amach, agus spirt faoi lthair a clemson chun filleadh ar ais chun an l seo caite. Bonn Bryant faoi zind cairtneil asennt thiar de mar-
dhanann rtil ifeachtlachta a
rith 246. 2.
Go coinnollach go gcoime-
dann marshall ar thirgeadh
fin, is fidir fin a bheith ar
an gcad rithchlr ar stair theic-
neolaochta, ag taispeint uirlis
d-bhagairt eviabrue. T s de
chumas aige drma a chruth a
bhaint amach, agus is cosil go
bhfuil s beagnach amaideach ar
an gcad amharc seo gur fi an
cheist sin an raibh an sasr sin air
fin. T Marshall an foirfe Is an
tr clchiste de chionrogha trial-
ach Johnny, agus nl s deacair a
bheith i gceannas ar ardteicneo-
laocht fin ruda.
Kelly bryant, clemson
norbh fhidir go raibh s beag-
nach impossibrue leis an neamhn
iomln a fhgil ar dts ag de-
shaun watson -the former clem-
son qb having na tigir ceannais
a thugann an craobhchomrtais
nisinaithe agus n bhonn siad
ag iarraidh ach amhin sa trfa
heisman sin, nos m n brga
daon duine a lonadh. Cosc a
chur ar dhuine a bhfuil s ag iar-
raidh a dhanamh, agus bonn
an t-aon duine ceart ag Kelly Bry-
ant. Is ard at i gceist le bryant Photo courtesy of redditors everywhere
go tapa, agus ag cur le gunna s An fidir leat seo a lamh? I ndirre? go hionraic? T s sin go hiontach agus n fidir liom a
le haghaidh lmh, ciallaonn s chreidiint go pearsanta. Buille faoi thuairim m m lironn t seo dom go pearsanta, molaim duit.
seo go bhfuil na tigers seo in ann
leanint ar aghaidh i rith mion- tosaigh lthair ag 6 l shin go dt an shall) - tugann bry anttt agus fiu
lach rangaithe opponents, agus fi chls iomln, agus an dara hit buaitore instab deasd aghaidh i
cluiche agus ag danamh nos buaiteoir heisman bliain anuas touchdowns rushing (taobh rith moinlach.
// SPURTS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 23

NCAA : no evidence of academics at uga i think

CIRGEN RESKU lots of
DEPUTY SPORTS EDITOR

After an exhaustive things

investigation, the NCAA
announced last Tuesday
that it would not be levy-
ing sanctions against the
university [sic] of Georgia
despite its findings that
there exists no academic
program whatsoever at the
university.
Following allegations
by anonymous sources that
there was no program of
academics at u[sic]GA, the
NCAA began an exhaus-
tive investigation to verify
the claims. After weeks of
searching, NCAA investi-
gators were able to confirm
the reports, and released
their findings in a report
last week.
Despite the presence
of a so-called library on
campus (which turned
out to be cardboard facade
painted to look like a li-
brary) and the existence
of three or four class-
rooms, each of which had
not been used for several
years, it is the opinion of
the investigative team that
there currently exists no
program of academics at
the university of Geor-
gia, and one has not ex-
isted for some time, read
the report.
In spite of those find-
ings, the NCAA declined
to issue any sanctions on
the University, citing a
previous ruling regarding
academics at the Univer-
sity of North Carolina.
In that investigation, the
NCAA determined that
about
sports and
here are
some of
them
IJUSTWANTYOUTOLETMEBE
DISTRESSED SPORTS EDITOR
Despite a lot of anxiety entering
the previous football season, I think
we can conclusively say that our hir-
ing for head coach has paid off in
spades.
Yes, it was controversial, the de-
This photo was taken by my girlfriend but then she dumped me and tbh its awkward now but i really wanted to use the picture *SOBS* cision to hire an anthropomorphic
This is the library on the university (sic)s campus. the building is being used for pink sphere who acts like a vacuum.
many things but as the NCAA has reported, reading is apparently not one of them. Cool. After all, hes not even a tier A char-
acter in Smash 4. But the results that
per classes to athletes that money gullible rednecks pretend to give students wont interfere with one Kirby has achieved for us are unde-
were not up the academic pour into a consistently and student athletes an of the longest-running niable an SEC championship is
standards established by overrated sports pro- education, and Im glad and proudest traditions well within reach, the kind of result
other classes at UNC, but gram and the revenue the that tradition will contin- in college. that human coaches failed to deliver.
since the classes had been NCAA generates by leech- ue. After all, none of our The NCAA did rule, Our current coach, an unclas-
offered to all students and ing off of said program, we fans have received a post- however, that since uGA sifiable organism who has featured
not simply the athletes, realized that it was in the secondary education - so did not offer any academic heavily in several Japanese video
UNC had not violated best interest of the NCAA why should our student- programs, they could not games with the ability to swallow
NCAA rules. to avoid handing down athletes? legally call themselves a other characters and absorb their
In that same vein, the any serious punishment university of Georgia University. abilities, has structured uga football
university of Georgia has to one of its prized money student athletes responded uGA responded quick- for contention for the forseeable fu-
not violated NCAA rules makers. positively to the ruling as ly to the ruling, announc- ture, a tough task in the same divi-
in that they are equally uGA head coach Kirby well. Georgia quarterback ing that beginning next sion as powerhouses Alabama and
failing to provide an edu- Smart commented on the Jake Fromm said Thurs- year, all uGA athletics Auburn.
cation to student athletes NCAAs findings dur- day, Having avoided teams will re-brand to rep- Its incredible, as I was not even
and all students, NCAA ing his post-practice press education by living in resent the distinction, and aware that such a character existed
President Mark Emmert conference. Im extremely Georgia for my whole life, will call themselves The in real life, much less was capable of
said in comments last pleased that the NCAA I decided to continue that university (sic) of Georgia coaching an FBS team of Georgias
Tuesday. In addition, af- decided to rule in our fa- trend by enrolling at uGA. in all related merchandise caliber, but here we are. Im excited

fake ad
the school had offered pa- ter realizing how much vor. Its UGA tradition to Im glad that the NCAA and athletic apparel. for the future, as you should be.

ANAK
Established in 1908

The ANAK Society would like to congratulate and thank the

here
following members who are graduating in Fall 2017

Valerie Olivia Curtis

Nicholas Anthony Johnson
Benjamin James Nickel
Shanice Uldah Saunders
Anju (Shilpa) Suresh
Lucy :) Rathbone Elliot Squires

and recognize the profound impact of our faculty and staff members

Laura Kitashima Giglio

Catie McCoy Miller
Rich Steele
We hope to see you return to Georgia Tech one day!

their outstanding leadership ability, personal achievement, strong character, and

true love for Georgia Tech.
Spurts
uga purchases jail cell as latest amenity
PIPER CHAPMAN
THE OTHER SPORTS EDITOR
As athletics programs
across the country continue
to grow, the resources they
offer their students, our be-
loved dawgs, are no excep-
tion. Football head coach
Kirby Smart announced
Wednesday afternoon that
the University of Georgia
Athletic Association had pur-
chased a cell in the Clarke
County Jail.
While not necessarily as
exciting as the slides that
have been installed in Clem-
sons practice facilities or
the luxurious Alabama locker
room, Smart explained that
the decision was a prudent
one.
Look, man, you know our
program. Someones gonna
get in trouble every year. To
do great things like getting
your teeth kicked in by Au-
burn or blowing a late lead to
your hated rival, youve got
to take some risks. Thats
just how we play the game.
I just figure that if we pay
for the jail cell up front, well
save everyone some hassle.
Hell, Ill book the kids my-
self, and we can call it the
Dawg Pound!
There still remains the
question of whether or not
incarceration in Athens is
Stud y suggests dawgs will neve r lose a game
PAIK LUVR
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR
In a report published on No-
vember 9, Professor F.W. Long-
fellow and his STAT 3069 class
revealed that our dawgs will
never lose another football game.
The paper, titled GO DAWG!
FOOTBALL IS PLAYING
GOOD! is reportedly the culmi-
nation of two months of research,
high-level analytical work and
lots of Red Bull, according to
student Justin Sjoberg.
What we basically did was
some really fancy shit, Sjoberg
said. Like, you know how the
dawgs havent lost a football game
this season? Well, you can do
this thing called extrumpeliting
- wait, no, its not that. Extrepol-
ishing? No. Theres this thing you
can do where you take that zero
and then you multiply it by a bil-
lion trillion kazillion. And guess
what? Its still zero. Isnt that nuts!
That means well never lose a
game again!
Longfellow was similarly excit-
ed about the work. If theres any-
thing that my associates degree in
criminal justice from Midpoint
University taught me, its how to
analyze highly complex statistical
patterns and draw sophisticated
conclusions. Plus, I got a minor in
home economics so I know how
to cook dinner when I go home
tonight. Wow! Thats really just
SPORTS EDITOR:
SKIIIIIIIIIIIP stay woke THWg
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR:
THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL
there is darkness all around us but
with enough glowworms we can over-
Friday,
24
come it ALLLLLLLLL.423
kirby@thwuga.net November 16, 2013
entirely legal, per constitu- Athens has? Every John or robbing a bank? If thats below-average figure relative
tional rights expert Mary Mayer album in existence, not cruel and unusual punish- to the rest of the program),
Payson of Emory University some uppity coffee shops ment, I dont know what is. hopes that the new cells will
Law School. and alcohol. Thats basically Not everyone has such a bring some peace and quiet
Okay, imagine this, Pay- it. And then on top of that, negative view towards this to the criminal justice experi-
son said in a phone interview you get stuck in jail if you change. Senior tight end ence.
Thursday afternoon. Youve finally get bored out of your Brody Allen, who has been Honestly, those inmates
got to live four years in Ath- mind and do something stu- arrested seven times in the are the worst, Allen said.
ens. Athens. You know what pid like smoking a little weed last four seasons (a slightly Last time I was in, half the
people on my block were
complaining that I didnt
score them enough fantasy
points. Maybe Ill just get to
lie down and let the hangover
clear this time.
Allen mentioned that he
was excited to try the new
cells as he picked up a crow-
bar and walked towards a
Brinks truck.
Via a written statement,
university spokesman
Brooks Larkin commended
Smarts decision to purchase
the jail cell. The University
is committed to ensuring
that whether via a useless
education, proximity to dumb
people or the insipid nature
of our town, every graduate
spends at least one night in
jail. We applaud Coach Smart
for accelerating that process,
bridging the gap between our
talented athletes and those
handcuffs.
At press time, Smart
was returning calls from
the dawgs basketball and
Photo courtesy of Harry Tilis baseball staffs, asking if
Wanted: residents for ugas newest, most sought-after residential area: the cell that the football they could share the use of
team has purchased for incarceration purposes. No vacancies are expected in the near future. the cell.
incredible. note of frustration evident in his weather conditions and opponent released a revised version entitled,
While the work is certainly voice. Like, seriously? That ... strength, just to name a few. I NOOOOO :(.
groundbreaking, it has yet to pass ugh, that isnt how extrapolation knew they werent the brightest Sjoberg was inconsolable. Its
all steps within a rigorous peer-re- works. Yeah, technically you can bulbs in the bin, but Jesus Christ. all over, he sobbed. Its all gone.
We cant ever win
again. Weve won
no games in the
last week. If you
extrubirate the
data, well win no
games in the next
month. And the
next year. And
the next decade.
Ive gotta call
my mom and see
if I can transfer
somewhere with
a good football
team. Maybe
Tennessee.
Not all was
lost for the stu-
ents, though. By
correctly solving
one math prob-
lem apiece, each
of them qualified
for their Ph.D
in statistics. The
degrees can be re-
deemed for half-
Photo courtesy of Sarah, Pranav, Ben, Carolyn, Megan, Eli, Katie, Malavika, Sahil, Aaron, Keyes, Emilie, Will, Andy and moreoff Cajun fries at
QuartBack TaQuon Marshawn dived with the bull in a gamer agoinst the Pittsburgh Hanthers on Bept.any participating
23. Marshunn is one of the main raisins to expect improved results from Tech laiter this seasoning.Popeyes loca-
tion, or can even
view process. Georgia Tech math extrapolate it out. But a 9-game In a shocking twist, the dawgs be used for five percent off dairy
professor Jack Hanson was less en- sample? Thats enough for them 40-17 loss to Auburn last Saturday and meat items at Walmart (must
thusiastic about the research. to make assumptions about years required the researchers to recon- be within three days of expiration
I mean, this is really, re- worth of data? There are so many sider their conclusion. This Tues- date). It is truly a gift that keeps
ally dumb, said Hanson, with a variables player performance, day, Longfellow and his student giving for the recipients.