The Therapy of Infidelity Crises

Dr. Sara Iwanir

Cell: 052 - 420 5105, Email: Iwanir.sara@gmail.com,
www.saraiwanir.com
CARL ROGERS (As reported by Rachel Naomi Remen. (1996). Kitchen Table Wisdom, p.218)

"Before every session I take a moment to remember my humanity. There is no experience that
this man has that I cannot share with him, no fear I cannot understand, no suffering that I
cannot care about, because I too am human. No matter how deep his wound, he does not need
to be ashamed in front of me. I too am vulnerable. And because of this, I am enough. Whatever
his story, he no longer needs to be alone with it. This is what will allow his healing to begin."

What is Infidelity?
“It is our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.”
Marcel Proust

 Infidelity takes place today by means of endless shapes - Vocal and filmed chats on the internet,
pornography, whatsApp (sexting), telephone exchange, meetings, sexual encounters, non-sexual
encounters.
 “Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.”(Glass, 2003, p8.)
 "Whether perceived or real, infidelity poses a threat to the primary relationship.” (Johnson, 2005)

What is the principal structure of infidelity?

● Relationships that are taking place while being kept secret from the partner of the primary relationship
● An emotional connection on some level or of a certain amount
● The existence of passion and erotica or sex (sexual alchemy - in accordance with Esther Perel)
● Infidelity is a systemic matter - It is the drama of the offending partner, the hurt partner, the lover, the
children, the social and community environment, the work environment, the extended family.
● The discovery event for the most part is traumatic and should be treated as a trauma in order to prevent a
post - traumatic response.
● In the first stages, the primary needs are to be resolved - A reduction of the risk of hurting oneself or the
partner, balancing nutrition and sleep, constructing a human environment that is containing and supportive
● At the couple level there should be created a de - escalation - A reduction of a vengeful impulsive behavior,
the prevention of damages, a containing framework in the intimate relationship, seeking stabilization.
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Can one love and yet cheat on his wife?
Helen Fisher differentiates between three different situations that most of us associate with love.

● Attachment (an emotional connection) - A safe, predictable, continuous relationship.

● Attraction - An attraction towards the opposite/ same gender, being accompanied by yearning and
excitement.

● Lust / Desire - A sexual attraction.

"the programming of the brain for an attachment is not connected with the
programming for an attraction and not for a lust.

We can love more than one person at a time. It is possible to feel an attachment to one person, while at the
same time lust for someone else, or feel an attraction towards someone from the office.

Types of Infidelity
● Coincidence - A one night stand
● The eternal conqueror
● An addiction to sex
● On the way to divorce
● A romantic affair

Complex cases in our clinical experience ( Dr Jennifer Fitzgerald)

•Multiple liaisons across many years
•Affair partner is wife’s best friend or sister
•Affair occurs while injured partner is seriously ill or child of couple is ill/in hospital
•Affair partner is in a position of trust/authority (such as minister of religion, school principal)
•Affair occurs in wake of the death of the couple’s child
•Affair results in birth of child/children

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 THE FERTILE GROUND OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR - Aspects of the Relationship:

 Intimacy avoidance resulting in emotional detachment

 Conflict avoidance leading to the creation of secrets
 Years of unresolved conflicts
 Years of unsatisfactory or absent sex and /or physical affection
 Chronic Dissatisfaction with the Power-Balance in the Relationship
 Preserving the myth of the "ideal marriage and family"
 Personal changes or transitions
 Events pertaining to a crisis in life: The death of a child, the death of a parent, transitions such as
immigration, unemployment, a financial crisis.
 An undermining of the value system - A transition to a new society, a new workplace, a new
geographical location, a minority in a foreign society (for example, foreign workers in Israel)
 Changes in the familial arrangements and the structure: Multiple trips of the parent, an ill and non -
functioning parent, a rapid professional promotion of the wife / the husband.

THE FERTILE GROUND OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR - Aspects of the individual

"I know that he has cheated on me because of his childhood problems,

but I have shot him because of my childhood problems" (wife)

● Difficulty feeling safe - People who have suffered from rejection and abandonment tend to cheat, in order
to be those who reject before being rejected.

● A need to act in an independent manner in the world - It is a requirement to be independent in order to

survive, a fear of being controlled.

● An experience of great solitude during childhood - A life with no consistent, reliable emotional connection.

● Difficulty feeling valued - An endless search for a sense of importance and love.

● Difficulty feeling free to express oneself - Having no fear of criticism, rejection or of hurting other people.

● Difficulty living with realistic limitations – feeling like: "I deserve" without a sense of reciprocity. A thought
that it is possible to receive love (such as in romantic love) without giving or devoting oneself.

● Difficulty feeling free to have fun in the consensual world - Difficulty giving oneself permission to let go and
to have fun, due to bearing too heavy responsibility as a child. Having fun is allowed only clandestinely.

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How do we think about infidelity
● Infidelity is not necessarily associated with sex, or with a lack of satisfaction in the marriage. It is related
more to a lack of liveliness, death, solitude, depression, and self-worth. It is the will to fight against the
sensation of death, it is a will to live

● People move away in order to discover a self that is not known to them. The affair brings together the
person with the unlived life or with the unlived parts of the self

● The story of infidelity is not just about a sexual experience, but rather about the feeling of being desired, of
feeling seen, attracted to, and enjoyed by

● The affair provides the person with recognition, identity and importance - that "I am still attractive, sexual,
and important to someone".

● The affair and the secrecy of the affair provides a sensation of uniqueness. "I am a hero in my own story that
is known only to myself and my affair partner", and "I rise above my grey life". This allows for feelings of
grandiosity and narcissism.

● The affair fulfils goals and dreams that the real life did not provided - for example, that her man is rich,
educated, famous, admires her.

● The affair at times is a compensation for pain or a lack of some sort, an answer to feelings of rejection or
failure in life.

● The affair is not subject to limitations of reality because we are projecting onto the loved one all our hopes,
dreams and desires. The lover, in turn, is not part of our disappointing life.

● Romantic love outside of the marriage provides a glimpse to the "the unlived parts of me". The yearning for
those parts of me that is not tangible to me.

● Infidelity, kept as a secret, holds the yearning for complete freedom, while at the same time maintaining an
illusion that it is possible to live out the affair without risking the safety, connection and feelings of belonging
afforded in the long term committed relationship.

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The Exile from the Garden of Eden - The End of the Age of Innocence

● Infidelity brings together the person with the ability to withstand ambiguousness, a lack of certainty, a
personal responsibility in conjunction with blind trust.

● Following infidelity there is clarification of the understanding that I am no longer exclusive as the target of
the passion of my partner, and that there are additional targets - the illusion of the exclusiveness is eroded
forever, and this is a great loss.

● Breaking away from the childish, romantic perception that the marriage makes the other person into
something obvious, who is my lot, towards a vision of the mystery existing in the other person whom I have
no control over his brain and the life of his soul.

● The affair exposes or redefines the truth in regards to our map of needs, and that of the partner, the same
needs that the affair has attempted to satisfy

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 3 Levels of Therapy
 How to understand what has happened during infidelity - Creating a language for
dialog
 How to make decisions (not emotional) of whether to remain together
 How to rebuild trust, intimacy and vitality in the relationship (If staying together)

The Components of the Therapy

 Clarifying the type and status of the infidelity

 Making room for the expression of emotions by the offending partner and the hurt partner (responses such
as anxiety and obsessions of the hurt partner and responses of sorrow and pain of the offending partner
pertaining to a cessation of the relationship.

 Understanding the meaning of the infidelity in terms of the marriage relationship

 Understanding the meaning of the infidelity in the context of personal, familial, developmental matters

 Constructing a renewed basis for trust that is contingent on reality

 Increasing ones self-esteem by providing knowledge of the truth, by taking responsibility for ones actions
and emotions, by being more aware of ones abilities and tools for self-control, equality in decision making and
personal discoveries.

 A renewed construction of intimacy and closeness

 A renewed construction of experiences of liveliness and life happiness in the marriage.

 A renewed construction of patterns of confrontation in situations of conflict and variance.

 Treating specific issues of the marriage – lack of love and expressions of love, sexual difficulties, unresolved
traumas from the past, continuous deprivation, unsatisfactory balance of power

 Getting to know and accepting the real one in the partner.

 A renewed construction of the vision of the relationship.

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 Stages of the Therapy
The First Stage: The Acute Phase - About two months to four months (in case that the affair has ended)

 Exposing the circumstances of the discovery, coping with the trauma of the infidelity

● Acknowledging the infidelity, putting an end to the lying, putting an end to a dangerous / a
destructive behavior, decreasing the anxiety, a cessation of the other relationship.

● A common understanding of the meaning and significance of the infidelity

● Accepting exclusive responsibility of the offending partner for the actions themselves, but not
exclusive responsibility for the difficulties of the marriage.

● Acknowledging the effect of the action on the partner and on others in the family

● Structuring the relationship as a wide open space of therapy

 Understanding the period of the pre - discovery

● What happened there - a rehabilitation of the perception of reality of the hurt partner that has been
distorted by the lies and the secrets.

● Where have we been – What is the intimate relationship background on which the infidelity has
developed

● Where have I been - personal factors in each of the partners

 The "Obsessive" Stage - Building trust, stage A

 Regulation of the urge to know everything (the hurt partner) / the avoidance of providing
information (the offending partner).

 Constructing positions and common moral perceptions with respect to the truth / a lie, privacy
/transparency, autonomy / intimacy, with respect to the past and with respect to the ending of
the other relationships in the present

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The Second Stage - Returning to the Present, Decisions in Regards to the Marriage

● A decision in regards to the continuation / renunciation of the affair

● Creation of reciprocity: The hurt partner is not taken for granted; he, too, is in a position of making a
decision in regards to the continuation of the marriage

● Exposure the issues of the marriage

● Analyzing sensitive, personal issues of both sides

● Exploring the "Inventar" of the relationship - what is in existence, what is lacking

● Consolidation of new challenges: Commitment, intimacy, liveliness, passion, warmth, honesty and
openness

● Analyzing angers, old traumas, secrets and domains of taboo in the relationship

● Making a decision in regards o the continuation or the cessation of the marriage

The Third Stage - Building trust, remorse, and forgiveness

● Acts of trust building, part B

● Processes of gradual regret, appeasement, and forgiveness

● Constructing the legacy of the crisis for the continuation of the shared life

● Moving on

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 The Importance of the Obsession in the Healing Process (Ellyn Bader)
● It is a path for working on the trauma of the infidelity by means of exposing the truth

● By way of this process each partners will decide whether to reaccept commitment to the intimate
relationship.

● To know what has happened and what is exactly happening, repairs the intimacy that has been trampled,
declare that the intimacy with the partner of the primary relationship is more important that the intimacy
with the lover.

● The first questions that surface:

○ Will we stay together or separate?

○ Will I ever be able believe again what you are telling me?
○ Are we a couple or not?
○ Does the affair partner know more than what I know?
○ Are there friends and family members who know about this before I have known?
○ Will you keep on lying and keep secrets from me?

● When the offending partner provides answers in a reliable manner without evading and blurring, it helps
the hurt partner, to put an end to emotions of suspiciousness and craziness. If the evasion continues, it
signifies that the emotions that have led to the affair are still existing.

● A real dialogue also helps to put an end to falsifications and fantasies.

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Steps for Building Trust (Janis Abraham Spring)
To build trust, is the role of the offending partner. He needs to provide a feeling of trust by way of everyday
small deeds, as well as big and difficult actions.

Everyday Behaviors Build Trust:

● Minimizing travels abroad or outside of the city which include the night time.
● Tell me when you go to the lover, talk to her on the phone, send her a text message or email, or when the
lover is calling - the very same day.
● Tell me what is good for you sexually.
● Tell me when you are proud of me.
● Wear a wedding ring.
● Tell me when you are feeling more optimistic in regards to the marriage and our future.
● Come home after work to eat together with the family.
● Plan a time for the two of us to be alone together.
● Tell me when you are angry with me, do not go and tell the lover, or your psychologist.

Behaviors Necessitating a High Price for Building Trust: (Janis Abraham Spring)

● Call the lover at my presence and end the relationship.

● Tell the lover in no uncertain terms: I have decided to end the relationship between us, I have decided
that from now on I want to be loyal to my wife.
I thank you for the good time that we have had between us, and request that you please do try to contact
me in any way.
● Carrying out a formal ritual of the ending of the affair.
● Quitting the band / the club… where the lover is found.
● Transfer a part of the property into my name.
● Leave or let go of the lover if working in the same place.
● Move to another city if the entire environment has been involved in the affair.
● Answer all of my questions in regards to the lover in front of the therapist.
● Seek therapy, to understand, what does the affair is saying about each of us and about our relationship.

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Principles of Appeasement and Forgiveness (Janis Abraham Spring)
The forgiveness process includes a number of stages:

1. A complete cessation of the action that has brought about hurt.

2. Acknowledging the action and accepting responsibility for the pain that has been inflicted on the other
person (without transferring responsibility to the other person with respect to his guilt in terms of my
action. For example: "I am sorry that I have hurt you but I had no choice because you have ignored me for a
long time").

3. Accepting responsibility and sorrow in regards to the lie and the pain that I have inflicted on the other
person, even if there is no regret in regards to the action itself. It is possible to acknowledge and to accept
responsibility for the pain of the other person and to say 'I am sorry', even without expressing revulsion
about the action that I have carried out.

4. Ending the blaming put on the other person / ending self - blaming.

5. Each one of them acknowledges his or her part in creating the problem, and accepts responsibility for his
or her part in terms of the situation that has been created (self owning).

6. Each one understands the meaning of his or her behaviour - what has caused him or her to behave the
way he or she did.

7. Sitting one in front of the other, and each one says: I understand that I have inflicted pain on you when I
did … and I am sorry and apologize for it and ask for forgiveness.

8. The hurt partner asks the other person for something that he or she requires from the other person in
order to rehabilitate his feeling.

9. Each one states what he or she promises to do in order to recreate a feeling of trust and intimacy.

10. To create an image in the imagination, as to what our relationship will look like after we rebuild trust
and intimacy.

11. Each one declares what things he or she is taking upon themselves to do in actual fact in order to
prevent the hurting from coming back.

12. To create a ceremony that expresses the forgiveness and the new beginning.

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Assumptions of those who forgive too easily (Janis Abraham Spring)
● When we forgive we release the prisoner inside us. We want to release ourselves from the chronic
hostility. It is advisable, but it is no related to a forgiveness towards the other person (the offending
partner).

● There are those who think that it is always good to forgive, that it is very nice and chivalrous to forgive,
and that forgiveness decreases conflicts and pushes forward the relationship. - The truth is that it is not the
forgiveness that advances forward the relationship.

Assumptions of those who will never forgive

● They believe that the forgiveness takes place ''completely'', that it is black and white, and that it takes
place immediately. This is not how it is, forgiveness takes place slowly and in a gradual manner.

● They believe that when we forgive negative emotions are replaced by positive ones. This is not how it is,
the forgiveness aspect does not mean that we begin to love the other person.

● They believe that if we forgive we forget the pain. Not true, it is possible to forgive but the pain still
persists.

● They believe that when we forgive we should not ask for anything in return because it is not nice to ask.
Not true, there are conditions for forgiveness, this is forgiveness that is dependent on something - the
ending of the infidelity, acknowledging the hurt, actions that create trust, a reliable promise for the future.

● They believe that forgiveness is reconciliation. Not true, forgiveness is not reconciliation or making peace.
It is possible to forgive without making peace.

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 The therapeutic situation (inspired by Esther Perel)

● There may be two perceptions, in regards to faithfulness - Is it a human dilemma or an ethical problem.
The perception influences the coping processes.

● In working with infidelity we go ahead with Model Y - One side turns to growth and development and
another side to trauma and pain.

● During the treatment - The first aim is to recreate security because the obvious future is no longer in
existence.

● During the treatment we ask about the choice and what has been the myth of the marriage.

● The emotional treatment should create a container in order to contain difficult and mixed emotions - we
experience acute pain and a sensation of liveliness at the same time.

● During the treatment it is not enough to rehabilitate the trust. It is necessary to rehabilitate the liveliness,
the erotica, the curiosity, the life happiness.

● During the treatment couples recreate the legacy of the intimate relationship - what this crisis will
indicate for the vision of the marriage

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 “And then what sustains our relationship is I’m extremely happy with her, and
part of it has to do with the fact that she is at once completely familiar to me, so
that I can be myself and she knows me very well and I trust her completely, but
at the same time she is also a complete mystery to me in some ways. And there
are times when we are lying in bed and I look over and sort of have a start.
Because I realize here is this other person who is separate and different and has
different memories and backgrounds and thoughts and feelings. It’s that tension
between familiarity and mystery that makes for something strong, because, even
as you build a life of trust and comfort and mutual support, you retain some
sense of surprise or wonder about the other person

Barack Obama talking about Michelle Obama in 1996.

Acknowledgments

I thank my teachers: Su Johnson, Esther Perel, Ellyn Bader, Janis Spring, Pat Love,
Jennifer Fitzgerald, – who inspired me through conferences and workshops in the
process of creating this workshop.

Special thanks and appreciation to my co-writer, colleague and professional

partner - Noga Rubinstein Nabarro with whom I started to develop the subject of
infidelity (and many other subjects).

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Bibliography and References

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Brunner/Mazel, Pub.

Bader E., & Pearson P.T., (2000) Tell Me No Lies. New York: A Skylight Press Book

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Glass, S. (2003). Not “Just Friends”, NY London: Free Press

Iwanir S. & Ayal H., (1991) Mid-life divorce Initiation: From crisis to developmental transition. Contemporary
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•Johnson, S. (2005). Broken bonds: An emotionally focused approach to infidelity.

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Pittman, F. S., (1987). Turning points: Treating families in transition and crisis. New York: Norton.

Pittman, F. S., (1995) Crises of Infidelity in: Clinical handbook of couple therapy. N.S. Jacobson & A.S. Gurman
(Eds.)

Rubinstein Nabarro, Noga & Ivanir Sara (1999) Terapia delle coppie di mezza eta in

crisi per una relazione extraconiugale (p. 177 – 225) La crisi della coppia – una prospettiva sistemico-
relazione Maurizio Andolfi (ed) Milano: Raffaello Cortina Editore (English translation exists)

Spring, J. A. (1997) After the Affair New York: Harper Collins

Thompson, A.P., (1987) Extramarital relations: Common questions. Journal of Clinical Practice in Sexuality

Thompson, A.P., (1984b) Emotional and sexsual components of extramarital

relations. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 46, 35-42.

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 Thank you

Sara Iwanir
Cell: +972-524 205105 Email: Iwanir.sara@gmail.com www.saraiwanir.com

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