BROWSER HISTORY

Written by

Colette Nichols

308-2170 West 3rd Ave,

Vancouver, BC, V6K1L1
colette@storyenvelope.com
604.312.9320
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Title Card: Monday

Jason (30s) straight laced, kinda nerdy, and Katie (30s) high
strung, controlling, probably a perfectionist, are having
boring sex. Missionary. Eyes closed. Slow. Not hot.

Title Card: Tuesday

Jason and Katie are having more boring sex. Still missionary.
She’s moaning. He’s silently doing his thing.

Title Card: Wednesday

In bed with their matching lap tops, black rim glasses, and
matching pajamas. Seriously. Matching pajamas.

Title Card: Thursday

More dull missionary. Katie’s eyes are open, staring at the

ceiling. Probably making a grocery list.

Title Card: Friday

Jason’s going at it hard - eyes closed, face scrunched.

Katie’s along for the ride - eyes closed, moaning. But
something’s off. Katie’s eyes fly open.

KATIE
Okay, that’s it.

JASON
Yeah, babe.

KATIE
Get off.

JASON
(still in the moment)
Huh, wha’d you say?

Pull back to reveal an immaculate yuppy bedroom.

KATIE
Get off me.

Jason’s eyes open, still thrusting.

JASON
Are you okay?

Katie is wriggling now, trying to push him away.

 2.

KATIE
Off. Now.

Jason sits up. He’s disoriented. Bewildered.

JASON
What’s going-

KATIE
And out! Get out of me!

JASON
Okay, okay. I’m getting off. Out.
I’m out, okay? Are you okay? What’s
going on?

Katie, duvet covers up to her neck.

KATIE
Nothing. I’m just tired.

JASON
No you’re not.

KATIE
Yes, I am.

JASON
Fuck off. You’re never tired.

KATIE
Well, this time I am.

Stand off.

JASON
All right.

Jason rolls over.

JASON (CONT’D)
Well, I’m going to sleep then
because I actually am tired.

Jason “sleeps”.

Katie stares at the ceiling fuming.

KATIE
I’m not tired!

Jason, rolling back over to stare at her.

 3.

JASON
I know. You’re acting insane.

Katie breaks. Her face crumbles and melts.

KATIE
I think... I don’t know.. Maybe I
am insane.

JASON
(suspicious)
Are you...? No. You just had your
period...

KATIE
(pissed)
I am not-

JASON
Okay, so then what?

Katie stares at Jason, dejected.

She gets out of bed, ties on her robe and disappears into the
living room.

Jason waits. We hear the sound of a laptop powering up.

Katie walks back into the room with her Mac, the screen
lighting up her face. She sits down on the bed and clicks a
few times. Her face concentrated and tense.

KATIE
Here.

Katie passes the laptop to Jason.

JASON
What?

KATIE
Browser history. Look at it.

JASON
Okay... What is... Big Ass and Tits
Compilation 2017. XXX Big Cock
Videos. Cum Shots on Da Face. Anal
Play On Fire... What is all of
this?

KATIE
Porn, Jason. It’s porn. I watch
porn. A lot of porn.
 4.

JASON
Like... porn porn?

KATIE
What other kind of porn is there?

JASON
I don’t know. Isn’t there like
amateur porn where loving couples
film their own sexual interactions
in a healthy and sex-positive way?

KATIE
Yeah, I don’t watch that.

JASON
(digesting)
Okay, well, I’m not mad if that’s
what you were worried about. I mean
if you need to watch porn sometimes
then, that’s your right. Obviously
I watch football sometimes, and I
don’t expect you to watch it with
me... or even agree with the
principles of the game, so, I guess
it’s kind of-

KATIE
Jason. It’s not like that. I’m an
addict. I’m addicted to porn. I
can’t stop watching it. I’ve tried.
The most I’ve ever gone was one
month. One. One! One. And then I
broke down and watched a 45 minute
orgy. And that was in 2007. I
haven’t even tried to quit since
then.

JASON
I dunno. I just, I don’t think this
is a big deal. So you watch porn.
So what? So do a lot of people. In
fact, I read an article a while ago
in... was it the New York Times...
no... the Atlantic? Darn it. I
can’t remember where I read it...
Times Magazine... No... Fuck!

He’s about to go look it up, but manages to stop himself.

JASON (CONT’D)
(kind of kills him)
Anyway, it doesn’t matter.
(MORE)
 5.

JASON (CONT’D)
The point is that the article was
talking about how the internet is
basically driven by porn. Like if
it weren’t for porn the internet
wouldn’t exist. Maybe you just have
a high sex drive. I mean, I know
you have a high sex drive. So maybe
it’s, like, really really high.
Like how I need to get a lot of
exercise, you need to have a lot
sexual stimulation.

Katie stares at him for a long moment, playing the scenarios

out in her head. Fuck. She has to tell him.

KATIE
I’ve been faking.

Jason’s distracted. He’s definitely wracking his brain trying

to figure out exactly where he read that porn article.

JASON
In what way?

KATIE
In bed. With you. During sex.

He’s 100% not distracted anymore.

JASON
You don’t like having sex with me?

KATIE
No. I do. I do like having sex with
you but I’ve been... I enjoy it. I
do. But I don’t... I don’t...
climax.

They stare at each other. Jason’s world is quietly crumbling.

JASON
Ever?

KATIE
Ever.

JASON
Not even once?

KATIE
I don’t orgasm! With men I mean.

Jason leaps out of bed. Upset for real real now.

 6.

JASON
You’re a lesbian? Are you telling
me that you’re a lesbian? I’ve been
dating a fucking lesbian for the
past four years? I’m about to marry-

KATIE
No, Jason! I don’t cum with men. I
cum by myself. In the bathroom.
After we have sex. With my
vibrator.

JASON
You have a vibrator!?!

KATIE
(overlapping)
Or my finger. Or my dildo.

JASON
You have a-

KATIE
Yes. Lots of them. I have lots and
lots of dildos.

Katie rages into the walk-in closet and re-emerges with a

classy hat box filled with a surprising collection of dildos
which she dumps on the bed.

KATIE (CONT’D)
Every time we have sex I have to go
to the bathroom afterward to get
myself off...

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM

An empty shower. Water’s on - streaming full force. Down the

faucet. A foot is up on the edge of the bath tub. A vibrator
purrs in the background blending into the sounds of water.

KATIE (V.O.)
...to get myself off! Because I’m
addicted to porn and without it I
can’t cum, apparently! And I can’t
do this anymore.

BACK TO:
 7.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

KATIE
I can’t keep faking it! In the
bedroom, in life, everywhere, if
I’m faking it here with you, where
else am I faking it?!? Huh? Where
else? Probably everywhere, that’s
where!

Jason, mesmerized by the dildos for a moment.

He snaps out of it.

JASON
So why are you with me? Why would
you stay with me for four fucking
years, why are we getting married
in 17 days, if I’ve never made you
cum!?!

KATIE
Because I love you!

Jason deflates. He can’t keep his secret from her anymore.

He pulls on his boxers and then bolts out of the bedroom.

We hear the sound of a laptop powering up.

He comes back into the bedroom holding his Mac and sits down
on the bed next to Katie and her dildo collection.

He clicks around for a couple seconds then passes the laptop.

KATIE (CONT’D)
What?

JASON
Browser history.

KATIE
How to get better in bed. 100 ways
to please your lady. How to find
her G-spot in three easy steps.
Squirting 101. What is all of this?

Jason is slumped. Deep in the shame swamp.

JASON
This is all my fault.

KATIE
What’s your fault?
 8.

JASON
For years, basically since my first
girlfriend... in college, I’ve kind
of suspected that I wasn’t very
good at this.

This is like pulling teeth.

KATIE
At what?

JASON
But then I met you, and we started
having sex, and I got excited
because it seemed like you were
actually enjoying it, but the
feeling still kind of stuck. It
never really went away, so... a
couple of years ago, I decided to
start researching. At first it was
just kind of random, when I had
free time, you know.. But recently
I’ve gotten kind of... obsessed.
When you’re not home it’s all I do.

KATIE
What? You just sit there
researching sex moves?

JASON
Well, there’s more to it than that.
But yes, I’m basically an expert
now. Theoretically of course. I
haven’t had the chance to put it
all into practice. But yes, I know
a lot of sex moves.

KATIE
What the FUCK Jason? We have sex
five times a week. Five. Literally.
Every week. You could have tried
out any of your new moves on
literally 1000 separate occasions
in the last four years.

JASON
Two years. Actually, I began my
research just over two years ago.

KATIE
Sure. Two years. Why wouldn’t you
have just told me?
 9.

JASON
I don’t know. It just seemed so...
weak. I didn’t want to have to say
it out loud. I’m bad in bed.

His face lights up. Happy. Ecstatic.

JASON (CONT’D)
It’s actually a relief to say it
out loud. I’m bad in bed. I’m bad
in bed.

Leaping to his feet, he jumps on top of the bed.

JASON (CONT’D)
I’m bad in bed! I’m bad in bed! I
feel so free.

Jason manages to dial back his euphoria when he sees Katie’s

expression. He’s about to lose this one.

JASON (CONT’D)
I thought I would lose you. Maybe
you wouldn’t dump me then and
there, but your confidence would
slowly erode over time and things
would just never be the same, and
then eventually they would just
fall apart. But now... it’s like
the weight of 1000 elephants has
been lifted off my shoulders.

KATIE
You’ve been lying to me for two
years.

JASON
So have you.

Beat.

He’s right.

KATIE
What are we going to do?

JASON
Well I’ve really been wanting to
try the 69-er. That’s when the man-

KATIE
I know what 69 is.
 10.

JASON
Oh. Cool. Okay. Uh...

KATIE
(viciously)
Also it’s not called the 69-er.
It’s just 69. No er. It’s not like
the 76ers. You just say, “hey wanna
69?”

JASON
(hopefully)
Right. Got it. So... wanna 69?

KATIE
Honestly? No. I don’t. I want to
snuggle.

Jason is crestfallen. Snuggling. Not what he had in mind.

They close their laptops and get ready for bed. Pajamas on.
Lights off.

Katie pushes the dildos off the bed and then turns off the
lights.

They snuggle under the covers, arms wrapped around each

other.

Silence for a couple moments. Jason’s eyes are closed. He’s

about to fall asleep.

Katie’s eyes are WIDE open.

KATIE (CONT’D)
What are we going to do about us?

JASON
Us?

KATIE
I’m a porn addict and you’re a...
sex-research addict.

JASON
... I don’t know. We’ll figure it
out.

Katie looks doubtful.

JASON (CONT’D)
It could be a lot worse.
 11.

KATIE
How?

JASON
I dunno - I could be a serial
rapist and you could be a mass
murderer.

KATIE
That’s really creepy.

JASON
Exactly. But that’s not us.
Nobody’s dead. We didn’t kill
anyone. We’re just jerks.

KATIE
Yeah, but-

JASON
And now at least we’ve come clean.

Jason pushes himself up on his elbows, and glances over at

Katie sneakily.

JASON (CONT’D)
Are you sure you don’t wanna 69
because studies have shown that
this is one of the best positions
for recovering porn addicts who
want to learn how to orgasm with
their partner-

KATIE
You’re making that up.

JASON
No I’m not.

KATIE
Why would 69-ing help recovering
porn addicts?

JASON
Because it’s like a moving
meditation. It engages both sides
of the brain, which distracts the
participants into allowing pleasure
to occur.

KATIE
The participants?
 12.

JASON
Sorry, I’ve read a lot of research,
but yeah, technically that’s what
we are.

KATIE
Participants?

JASON
Yeah, technically.

Katie, smiling for the first time as she thinks about it.

KATIE
Sure. Ok. I can be a participant.

JASON
Really?

KATIE
Yeah. Really.

JASON
Okay, so-

KATIE
On one condition.

JASON
What?

KATIE
No more faking. If I don’t like it
I’m not going to pretend that I do.

JASON
No more faking.

KATIE
Deal.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM

The shower’s off. The sound of laughter, voices, moaning,

from the other room. Something real is happening.

FADE TO BLACK.