HellW Georgia
To
Friday, November 16, 2018 • vol. 104, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net
literacy tests prevent uga students from votin
staop dat karavan leavin! no more
BOKO SHRIEBS
HIS FARTS COULD BE FUEL SOURCE
The caravan of students over
1,100 students heading north to
try to escape from campus is leav-
ing.
“I want ‘em to stop that kur-
van, ‘n I want ‘em to stop that
kurvan now,” said President A.J.
Dopples in a recent interview.
Last week Thursday Dopples
sent a letter to the State Troopers
requesting “a battalion of good ol’
boys” to stop the caravan of over
students escaping u[sic]GA.
State Troopers, who usually
deal with traffic and tractor-code-
of-law violations, say they are ill-
equipped to deal with the swarm
of students exiting campus and
rejected the request.
“We certainly will not try to
stop anyone leaving that dump,”
said Troopity Scoop, a spokesper-
son for the State Troopers. “Even
if we could stop them, Plus, we
certainly would not want those
students in Georgia, period. They
could drive down the economy.”
“With those students leaving,
the average I.Q. of the university
[sic] will drop to unprecedentedly
low levels.”
When Dopples was asked how
low exactly that means, he gave an
analogy that he felt students could
understand most clearly.
ith
“Let’s just say that if I had a
two dozen eggs, and each egg
had a combined I.Q. of one, then
those eggs combined would have
a higher average than the students
we have left would on average.”
The caravan is currently head-
ing northwest away from Athens
at rapid speeds. Although stu-
dents are egressing on foot, they
are covering almost 60 miles a
day, an amount equivalent to over
two marathons per day.
“We don’t know where we’re
we are heading,” said Terry Buck-
tooth, seventh year Yogler. “We
just want out.”
The students wanted to apply-
ing for asylum in another state,
Many people, traveling very very far to try to get away from the
u[sic]GA despite the protests of the president of the school.
but all of their applications have
been rejected so far.
“This is harder than applying
for college,” one student, Danny
McCorn, first year Pseudo Sci-
ence, said.
“You applied for college?” an-
other unintenfied student said
from within the crowd. “I just
wandered onto campus and was
registered for classes.”
In lieu of support from the
State Troopers, Dopples is orga-
nizing a team of bulldogs to help
search for the caravan by scent.
“Even if we have to do this the
old-fasioned way, we will bring
them back because they are criti-
cal,” Dopples said.
Photo by Ludar Osam Student Publications
Wanna know
MIKE HAWK
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Dwindling voter num-
bers in rural areas of Geor-
gia are leaving experts
confused. A large major-
ity of uGA fans were un-
able to vote in this year’s
midterm elections due to
extremely high barriers
put in place.
Something called a
“ballot form” has left
many dwags bumbling
when it comes to voting.
“This is outrageous,”
said disenfranchised
voter, Ivana Noh, “it’s un-
fair, how can I be grant-
ed the right to vote but
not be able to vote.”
Noh and others were
left confused on election
day when the form was
presented to them and
there were blanks that
needed to be filled in.
“It asked me for some-
thing called a ‘nay-
muh’,” said Beau Reily,
auto parts extraordi-
naire. “How can I be ex-
pected to vote if I have
to add all this stuff about
mahself?”
Besides Reily, many
others found issues with
other fields on the form.
Through a survey per-
diplo-
mas = no more
toilet papur :(((((
MIKE HAWK
EAT MY SHORTS
On Monday, November 5th,
University of Georgia’s President,
Jere Morehead, inishiated the
switch to using digital diplomas
for next month’s upcoming grad-
uates.
The class of 2018 December
“graduates” will be the first class
to receive their digital copy of
their diploma, and will also be the
first class in the university’s [sic]
history to be faced with a rather
difficult predicemint: How will I
be able to use a digital copy of my
diploma to wipe my future boss’s
rear end with?
Students are at a loss, and
are actively mourning the death
of printed deeplomas that they
worked so very hard for. For many
students, having the opportunity
to wipe the rear end of their boss
with their diploma, or even hav-
ing the mere privilege of wiping
how to please
ur lasagna?
Read more on pg...
does it matter?
Can you even read?
formed by the Red &
Black up to 5,000 vot-
ers were not able to vote
due to not being able to
fill out their name or ad-
dress.
“We really need to get
to the bottom of this,”
said republican candi-
date for governor and
current Secretary of State
Brian Kemp, “we can’t
just be disenfranchising
voters like this.”
Many dwag fans are
used to simply finding
the circles next to candi-
dates with a republican
under their name.
“It’s one of the few
words I know how to
spell,” said Athens spell-
ing bee champion Bu-
ford Spellman, “I was so
confused to find out that
there were going to be
more than bubbles to fill
in on the sheet.”
The Athens chapter has
filed a complaint with
the Secretary of State’s
office to count the votes
that should have been
counted.
“I’m just gonna add
5,000 names to my pile,”
Kemp could be heard
saying in the midst of a
cheering throng of dwag
voters.
the rear ends of incoming rest-
room goers in the building that
they janitor for, is simply the boon
of their eggistence.
Many December “graduates”
will be returning home empty
handed to their fertile, grand
pappy’s family farm, and their ea-
gerly awaiting first cuzins. It has
been suggested that students try
to print a copy of their diploma to
have on-hand, however, given that
the University of Georgia spent
their entire technology budget
on beloved “The South Will Rise
Again” t-shirts, this is not pos-
sible.
10th year December graduate,
Merp Derp, states, “I was as busy
as a one-legged cat in a sandbox
working for this women’s anato-
my degree… I reckon’ digital cop-
ies won’t be two ply.”
6th year Pornography En-
gineering student, Mike Hunt,
states “I’m not fixin’ to go home
until my toilet paper has signa
See POOPS, page 8
nudz
NEWS EDITOR:
EITS Picks Kid Pix THWuGA
Roseweed Rollins
EITS chose the most revolutionary tech in
order to reform their systems up to next level Friday,
2
and beyond through choosing Kid Pix 44 November 16, 2018
news@nique.net

SAMIRA BANDARU
Though this issue relies on
stereotypes we agree are not as
Arch collapse schocks Engineerging [sic]
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

For the hundred-some-

thingth time, we are excited
to present the annual To Hell
With Georgia Issue.
Contained in these pages
you will find all manner of
outlandish, (hopefully) enter-
taining and completely false
material we aspire to think up
for every THWuGA edition.
Beginning as a modest
four-page paper, published on
November 17th, 1911, the first
issue of the Technique focused
primarily on the then-upcom-
ing football game with Geor-
gia.
It is from this moment
“the South’s Liveliest College
Newspaper,” began.
As a tip of the hat to this
“modest” start, the staff of the
Technique produced an issue
dedicated to mocking Geor-
gia’s newspaper, The Red and
Black.
true as they once were (Geor-
gia students aren’t necessar-
ily drunken rednecks nor are
Tech students ncessarily nerdy
introverts), it’s not about the
stereotypes.
Yes, the jokes contained
herein maintain the sordid
tradition of low blows in the
form of incest-, alcohol- and
stupidity-related material. Is
it fair to continue to perpetu-
ate these false stereotypes? Not
necessarily.
But, the most important as-
pect of this annual issue is the
tradition: the traditions we re-
peat year after year, the tradi-
tions that hold campus togeth-
er, and, of course, the tradition
of Clean, Old Fashioned Hate.
So, as you flip through
these pages, remember the
Good Word (“To hell with
georgia!”), and what binds all
Tech students together: our
Good Old-Fashioned Hate of
our rivals up the road.
Dept., plan spiritual reconstruction vigil
FRIED TUYRKES
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Two students walked by the in-
famous, black iron arches that are
situated on North Campus. These
arches are the symbol for univer-
sity of Georgia, yet appeared to be
crumbling before their very eyes.
Cracks could be spotted from
some distance, the black paint
wearing off and the symbol for
the university looking as though
it could collapse at any moment.
The two students who found
the arches in such dire condition
ran off, frantically searching for
aid to try to repair their beloved
arches. They eventually ended up
at the School of Engineering [sic],
looking for someone who could
assist them in the task.
Luckily, when they arrived at
the School of Engineering [sic],
they were relieved to find that
there were no classes in session.
All of the students and professors
were hanging out in the halls.
The potential collapse of the
arches is devastating for more
than just the student body. The
uGA Engineering [sic] depart-
ment shed many tears when they
heard the news. The arches are the
shining star of the department,
and many professors and faculty
members refer to it as the best
work of architecture to ever come
out of the school.
That is why, when the two
students reported the news to
the Engineering department, the
department was eager to help.
They refused to let their proud-
est accomplishment crumble. The
two students and several faculty
members went on a pursit, fran-
tically looking through every
supply closet in the building for
scotch tape or Elmer’s glue; any-
thing that would maintain the
structural integrity of the arches.
They would have gone for the hot
glue, but none of those involved
felt confident enough to handle it
without burning themselves.
Before dark, the group were
back at the arches; the two stu-
dents, and three professors from
the School of Engineering work-
ing collectively. They were dili-
gently applying tape to every
single crack (which, they came to
find, there were hundreds). They
eventually had to toss out the idea
of Elmer’s glue, because those in-
volved could not be trusted to not
try to eat it.
In the end, there efforts were
in vain. Unfortunately, scotch
tape was not enough to hold the
arches together, and the university
of Georgia mourns the loss of the
beautiful arches.
There will be a candlelight vigil
held in memory of the uGA arch;
more information to follow.

Slugs invade campus from sewers, drains,

dont forget to eat your
causing panic and raising average I.Q.
vitamins ARTHUR SLUGWORTH
MODERN SLUGGEERA
SQUELCH!!! On Wednesday
afternoon, students at Russell
Hall made a shocking discovery.
“I went to the bathroom to do my
business,” Junior Pinhead, a fresh-
man Astrology major, reports,
“and when I sat down, the seat
felt unusually sticky. More than
usual.” When Pinhead stood up to
investigate, he found a splattered
slug on the toilet seat. “I felt bad
for the little sucker,” he says.
According to other residents,
this phenomena was not a one
time ordeal. Slugs began to rise
from the bowels of the Russell
plumbing into the third floor
bathroom, floating to the surface
of the two out of five working toi-
lets in the men’s bathroom. This
did not seem to alarm students
until slugs began to pour out of
the sink faucets and boil up from
the shower drains. The armada of
slugs, nicknamed “The Cornuco-
pia,” has begun to ooze from the
air vents of other residence halls.
Maintenance has been called,
but the source of the slugs has yet
to be determined. “They’ve start-
ed crawling into bed with me at
night,” Carl Schitz, a sophomore
Bird Calls major, reported on
Friday. “At first I was scared, but
now… they’re kind of comfort-
ing.” The Cornucopia seems to
be making its way inward toward
the center of campus, as other stu-
dents have reported slug sightings
in the dining halls, they seem to
particularly enjoy the salad bar,
and in the Sanford locker rooms.
Professor Jackov, head of Slug
Studies here at uGA, is having
an incredible time. “It’s the cold
weather drawing them inside,” he
laughs, hands full with a slbucket
of slugs. He cancelled his classes
to collect them. He picks one out
of the bucket and lets it slither in
his hand, “I found this one on a
student’s forehead this morning.
He had no idea there was such a
beautiful specimen on him!”
Other faculty are not so en-
thused by the presence of the
slugs. “There are more slugs in
my classes than students at this
point,” one professor complains,
“I gave a pop quiz, and a few of
them actually turned in some
pretty good work.”

slobber // your thoughts

If cheese is the loaf of milk, is beer the milk of bread? - sammie
Silver Box:
I am confusion, I am Confucius
Q = Que = Quequequeque
The Sliver Box knows all.
fdkjdfjghersjtheiutekuqio3oywiuefjdsklf hsiofwlekgwskjf hs-
fewtwiufwiotjeklhiooisjglkehw8ogwjt3kljer8gegjeeruoi34lkue-
gerjeklu8rwugetm3io7e09ge.kje098grjtlk3ur09egejtiwouier.
emougrt
Hi, I was just dropping in a quick line to know, if I could send
some great article ideas your way for a guest post at your web-
site? If you like my suggested ideas, I can then provide you
high- Probably better to stop by weekly meeting at 7 p.m.
Tuesdays to talk
Good egg, not bad
The highest score I’ve ever gotten was 160, but I average in the
145 to 150 range. My lowest score ever was 135 on a verbal intel-
ligence test. My dad tested at 180 IQ (it’s probably lower now), so
I’m the dumb one in his eyes. I went through school until 10th
grade never doing my homework, reading being on my phone, or
just daydreaming in class, getting 100% on every test and getting
mostly B’s and C’s in my classes. I had a 8th grade reading level
in 1st grade and a college reading level in 3rd. I invented a base
60 number system and now I do all my math in base 60 and con-
vert it back to base 13 after for fun. I am charismatic but I have
trouble holding long term relationships, romantic or otherwise
due to my short attention span and autism. Everyone hated me as
a kid, because I was an annoying little shit. Still are, bud. -- R.R.
// NOODS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 3

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING

ASSIGNMENTS & FINANCE HAVE MOVED TO
120 North Avenue NW, Atlanta, GA
North Ave North in room 126
404.894.2470
information@housing.gatech.edu
housing.gatech.edu North Ave NW

North Ave
Dining

HOUSING
W N
Downtown Connect
Centennial Olympic Park Dr NW

NORTH
I85
or

North Ave
North Apts

S E
4 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // NOODS

Enterprise Information Technology

Services upgrades systems to Kid Pix
the newly licensed software onto something to do in their copious
TRISKO BUCKERS the library computers and expects amounts of free time that doesn’t
WEARS WRITY-TIGHTIES the process to be complete by the involve drinking or tractors. That
end of the school year. being said, I suppose you could
On November 12, 2018, the “We’ve actually been able to enjoy this software more if you
u[sic]ga Vice President of Informa- hire students to install the soft- were blackout drunk while using
tion Technology, Dr. Ether Knett, ware for us thanks to the intro it.”
announced that the Enterprise video that plays during the instal- In the future, u[sic]ga hopes to
Information Technology Ser- lation,” said Dr. Knett. “Turns adopt more software to meet the
vices Department (EITS) would out it keeps their attention long unique needs of its student body,
be upgrading library computers enough for the program to in- including licenses for the popular
from the Adobe Creative Cloud to stall.” Jump Start series and classic Hu-
Software MacKiev’s KID PIX 3D The new KID PIX deal allows mongous Entertainment titles,
software. students to use the software on including Pajama Sam and Freddi
KID PIX 3D features advanced their personal computers as long Fish.
editing technologies tailored for as they are students. As part of the licensing deal
the modern u[sic]ga student. In Students can download the with Software MacKiev, the
the program, users can draw using software from the official u[sic] school will also be getting access
a variety of tools, add text to their ga software distribution system. to the company’s family tree soft-
slideshows, and place animated Installation assistance is available ware to track incoming students’
characters on the screen to create for students who have trouble family trees.
presentations any u[sic]ga gradu- running the installer on their own U[sic]ga health department
ate would be proud of. computing devices. experts hope that this will help
Dr. Knett cited u[sic]ga stu- “I’d like every student to install them identify possible inbreed-
dents’ “lack of attention span, KID PIX on their own comput- ing-related health complications
class, ability to recognize any kind ers,” said Knett. “It will give them for u[sic]ga students.
of quality and general stupidity”
as the reason for the move.
“Honestly, how many students
do you think used Photoshop
here? Hell, half of these kids can’t
operate PowerPoint properly.”
Students were overwhelmingly
positive about the change, which
was piloted in a Terry College of
Business course on presentation
software.
One student, John II, said that
the new software “was entertain-
ing enough that I was able to fin-
ish my entire presentation in just
under 24 hours.”
The presentations were a hit
with the class, who commented
that the presentations were “flashy,
attention-grabbing and had lots of
movement in the slides. We could
barely see the information!” Photo by Booboo Lawlins Student Publications
The EITS department is cur- Kid Pix allows one to decoratively endow pictures with a variety of
rently in the process of installing three-dimensional items and enables an eclectic design strategy.
Opernierns
OPINIONS EDITOR: Long Jon Silver’s THWuGA

“
”
cajun-seasoned tilapia with fries
and a drink for just $5.99 and we
swear the fish is real
November 16, 2018
5
Friday,

OUR VIEWS | We think for ourselves sometimes

Trucks have to be big
Anything smaller than a 2014 Toyota Tundra is weak
There are few things more frustrating
in this world — only 2000 years old by
the way — than listening to some nobody
who drives a 1998 pickup talking about his
truck. That isn’t a truck, that’s a midsized
SUV with no backseat. There is a miscon-
ception that trucks exist to assist in ‘work’
instead of to show your status in society. If
it can fit into a parking garage, don’t even
bother.
A truck isn’t the tiny red 40-horsepower
loser-mobile that your grandpa drove on
his farm. A truck is a behemoth, louder
than your mom’s room when your ‘special
uncle’ comes over. A truck puts out more
smoke than my Juul on a full charge. A
truck can fit you and your nine siblings
when you go mudding.
Let’s address this concept of using a
truck for work. Aside from the fact the the
scientific unit for work is Juul, there is sim-
ply no practical reason to use a truck on
the job. When I graduate and go work for
my dad’s air conditioner company, what
could I possibly use my truck for (aside
from showing my virility and frattitude to
his smokeshow of a secretary)?
Those needle-neck kids at Georgia Tech
may try to make fun of what they don’t un-
derstand, but rest assured: I worked really
hard to convince my parents to buy me a
yeah I pay $120 to fill my gas tank every three days but at least im not some soy-
eating prius-driving snowflake
brand new 2016 F-150. That doesn’t make
me a “redneck” and it doesn’t mean I’m
compensating for something. Hell, I don’t
even know what compensating means but
I know I’m not doing it.
We all know that one who shows up to
the late-night Wal Mart parking lot meetup
in his mom’s Honda CRV. Want to know
how I know it’s his moms? Because if you
don’t drive a truck, you’re a chick. And you
know what’s worse than being a chick? The
deeply ingrained mysogyny that plagues
our rhetoric and everyday speech, echoing
the patriarchal social standards of a past
where women were largely overlooked and
seen as inferior. But yeah if you don’t drive
a truck you’re a chick.
Yet another argument for bigger trucks:
more surface area means more room for
stickers. If people a mile behind me on I20
don’t know that I am about the Salt Life or
that I want Hillary Clinton to be in prison
for killing Ben Ghazi or something, then
my truck isn’t big enoug.
Here’s another thing. You know what
pays for roads? Taxes. Socialism pays for
roads. The great President Reagan would
be rolling over in his grave if I was riding
any lower than 8 feet above any publicly-
funded road. And yeah, he may have been
a TKE, but he’s still pretty frat.
5 things lasagna is
sick of hearing
You may look at lasagna as a with lasagna and soaking your
simple dish of meat, cheese and body in lukewarm marinara sauce
noodles. You’re technically right, dates back to ancient Italy, where
but there is so much more going the Kinguccinni (Italian for king)
on in its three-to-seven layers that would fill his Bathtubinni (Italian
you probably have no idea about. for human-sized pasta bowl) with
Just in case you thought you were the village’s surplus lasagna. By
original, here are 10 soaking for 3-10
things that lasagna hours, he would
is sick of hearing. ORIGINALLY absorb the spir-
1) “Oh my god I
love lasagna! Let’s
PUBLISHED IN THE its of all the serfs
that passed that
go to Olive Gar- ODYSSEY ONLINE ON year while toil-
den!” Some seem APRIL 20 2018 ing in the lasagna
to think that Olive fields. Today, the
Garden is the be-all-
end-all of lasagna. LASAGNA practice is a way
for children to ap-
But, in truth, going A PLATE OF LASAGNA pease the angry
to Olive Garden to Lasagna God for
eat lasagna would be the transgressions
like going to Athens to meet peo- of our false idol, Olive Garden.
ple. Sure, you’ll get what you came 4) “I’m more of a ravioli per-
for, but there are so many places son myself.” Ravioli is the Diet
so much more suited for your goal. Coke of the pasta world. You re-
There is Carrabbas, there is Mag- ally think that skank is better than
giano’s, there is even Lean Cuisine. lasagna? Do you even know where
It is honestly insulting to associate that ravioli has been? Do you think
lasagna with Olive Garden. Chef Boyardee is someone you can
2) “I like vegetarian lasagna!” trust to deliver high-quality pasta?
If you like vegetarian lasagna, you 5) “Let’s make a five-cheese
must have a very, very small vocab- lasagna!” Would you like to be
ulary. The word you are looking full of cheese? Like, literally physi-
for is ‘pasta’. Without meat, it isn’t cally stuffed with cheese? Trying
lasagna. Meat and lasagna go to- to make lasagna with more than
gether like listicles and journalistic two cheeses is like trying to watch
integrity. You can’t expect lasagna Shrek, a Phish concert and Miss
to change just because you ask India 2000 (I love you Priyanka
your poorly-trained under-paid Chopra) all on the same screen.
Olive Garden waitress to hold the The beauty of each individual as-
meat. If you can’t handle lasagna pect is lost in a bloated mess of
at its worst, you don’t deserve lasa- dairy. In its purest form, lasagna
gna at its best. contains only mozarella. Ravioli
3) “Son why in the hell would may love being stuffed with cheese,
you try to fill our bathtub with but lasagna isn’t that kind of pas-
lasagna?” Once again, the short- ta. Keep your assorted cheeses to
sightedness of humankind sullies yourself. In the same way that God
something that should be sooth- made only two genders to live on
ing and delicious and wonderful. this earth, only up to two cheeses
The tradition of filling a bathtub should exist on your lasagna.

HARSH REALITY BY YOUR DIPLOMA technique editorial board

Rattata Gonorrhea EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Ghastly Crabs MANAGING EDITOR
Squirtle Hepatitis NEWS EDITOR
[FIRST] [LAST] LIFE EDITOR
Pidgey HPV SPORTS EDITOR
Zapdos Salmonella OPINIONS EDITOR
Geodude Syphilis ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Machop Scabies ONLINE EDITOR
Jeff WEB DEVELOPER
Jigglypuff PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Cubone Herpes DESIGN EDITOR

Write to us: maybe become an instagram social

opinions@nique.net
please nobody edits this section
so i know i wont get in trouble but
please send help i have been stuck in
this room writing nonsense for what
feels like an eternity the dont let me
look at the time and there are no win-
dows so i honestly have no idea how
long ive been here every now and
then they will bring in a plate of dairy
queen chicken tenders and thats re-
ally all ive had to eat since i got here
im tired and bored and hungry and i
really want to do something else like
media influencer or something i dont
really know like people have told me
that im cute and funny and i think
id be really good at advertising stuff
like hinge or makeup or something
but ive been too nervous to try and
get myself out there im also locked in
a room so thats also an inconvenience
i guess like who even is the president
at this point we could have elected a
new one and i wouldn’t even know is
the walking dead still good last time
i saw it they were in a prison i cant
really see how they could ruin such a
good show so im sure at this point it is
still groundbreaking television
6 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // OPERNERIRNS

Head-to-head
two different opinions on one real-life issue
is flat earth?
DR. INK MILLER F. SCOTT LITZGERALD were done in, like, this
PROF. didn’t get an on- MAJOR: PARTYING big lazer tag arena.
TAXIDERMY PHYSICS MINOR: ENGLISH duuuuuude have you
line phd for you to ever played lazer tag?
space and matter are there was this sick
call me professor” just, like, our percep- lazer tag spot next to
i have flown on tions, man. the earth my parents place that
and then after I isn’t flat or round, it’s also had mini golf and,
several airplanes, just, you know, earth, like, all the kids would
tell them that, ac- you know? people who have their birthdays
sometimes over tell you that they know there and stuff. wait
cording to cred- stuff about things but, woah that’s a good point
distances as long like, you’ve never been though, it’s kinda wild
ible pee reviewed to space, you know? un- that people just as-
as several hours. less you’ve seen it you sume the earth is, like,
studies, the flat can only give, like, your mini golf ball shaped.
through in all of opinion. when you stop think-
earth is accelle- you know what I ing what the man wants
them, i never once have seen? that stan- you to think, stuff like
rating 32 feet per ley kubrick movie, out- that just kinda makes
spotted a round er space. he’s all like you all “woahhhhhh”
second-square up- “woah! space!” and you know? like are the
in the horizon. i space is like “woah! hu- oceans supposed to be
wards. man!” and then he goes the little holes or what?
even hold up pen- through this wormhole you just have to think
gravity isn’t that’s kinda like a wide- about these things,
cil i brought with spread panic concert man.
moving us down, and then at the end he’s, like yeah i voted for
my carry on, and like, old but also a baby ted metz because he’s
we stay. the earth and it doesn’t really all “yo the government
the horizon is make sense but it’s like, is telling you all this
moves up to catch beautiful man. it’s so stuff,” you know? peo-
parallel. so why deep, it really tells you a ple need to open their
us. its like when lot about yourself when eyes and think for
does nasa say it’s you watch it. it’s easy themselves. and hemp
run. you move, to, you know, like trace has, like, tons of differ-
round? your own path paral- ent uses that would re-
clothes stay still. lel to his. like sure, his ally help our economy.
students ask me ship wanted to kill him. like i swear i don’t know
but clothes stay that’s just so symbolic, if anything about weed or
a lot “professor you have time after this anything like that but i
on your body be- interview i want to show just think there would
miller, if the earth you this youtube video be, like, economic simu-
cause youre move that like, breaks down lation if it was legalized.
is flat then why all the theories about and it actually is better
underneath. the movie. but yeah for you than alcohol, you
does gravity?” back to the point i think know? the government
i’d give it five stars. i is just a load of crap
and i tell them “i think i read somewhere man. i guess the earth
that the shots of space could go either way tho.

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// OPERNIERONS
January 10
KING HOLIDAY
OBSERVANCE
Kickoff and Reception
• 5:30 – 7:30 p.m.
• Martin Luther King Jr.
Recreation Center and
Aquatic Center 
This reception serves as the
opening event for the 2019
King holiday observance and
an invitation to the public to
join us in honoring the life
and work of Martin Luther
King Jr. 
Contact: 
tgrey@thekingcenter.
org
January 11-13
Civil Rights Journey
to Alabama  
The 2019 King celebration
begins with a trip to Selma,
Montgomery, and Tuskegee,
Alabama, to explore the
history of the civil rights
era and visit sites that were
major flashpoints in the civil
rights movement. There
are 70 student ($130) and
30 ($230) faculty spots
available.
Faculty RSVP: https://
orgsync.com/139436/
forms/342122
Student RSVP: https://
orgsync.com/139436/
forms/342125
January 15
Students with King:
Celebrate Differences
• 9 a.m. – 1:30 p.m.
• Location TBD
The purpose of Celebrate
Differences is to teach
students about the national
impact of Martin Luther
King Jr. on the civil rights
movement as well as
his global influence. The
event is an opportunity
for students to engage in
dialogue with King family
members, veterans of the
movement, and people who
worked with Dr. and
Mrs. King.
Contact: dbullock7@
thekingcenter.org
January 15
CAMPUSWIDE STUDENT
CELEBRATION: Bending
the Arc Toward Justice
• 7 p.m.  
• Student Center Ballroom   concerns for human rights
This celebration will feature
student speeches, cultural
performances, and a
candle-lighting ceremony
for student organizations.
Reception to follow.
Contact: mthomas324@
gatech.edu or sadous7@
gatech.edu
TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 7
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION
JANUARY 10 – FEBRUARY 2, 2019
Our Shared
Future:
Changing the
World, Together
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
January 17-19 January 21 January 22 January 25-26 February 2
Focus Program  MLK Day of Service MLK Lecture featuring Komansé Dance Break Free from Poverty
• Georgia Tech Hotel and • 8 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. Dr. Mae Jemison Theater: Skid 5K Walk/Run
• Student Center
Conference Center • 7 p.m. • 8 p.m.  • 8 a.m. 
Ballroom  • Ferst Center for • Ferst Center for • Campus Recreation
Focus is one of the
During Georgia Tech’s the Arts the Arts Center
nation’s premier programs
for raising awareness ninth annual MLK Day of Jemison, an engineer, Komansé Dance Theater, The Georgia Tech
of graduate education Service, which honors physician, and NASA led by Georgia Tech MLK Student Board,
among the brightest the life and legacy of astronaut, will discuss student Raianna Brown, in conjunction with the
Martin Luther King Jr., King’s legacy and the
underrepresented takes a provocative look African-American Student
participants will serve journey individuals must
students.   in teams and engage take to change the world at homelessness and Union, will host a 5K walk/
Contact: sybrina. in service projects with together and create a gentrification in the metro run to raise awareness of
atwaters@omed. metro Atlanta community shared future.  Atlanta area and beyond. disadvantaged students
gatech.edu partners. Ticket registration for Tickets for this event at Georgia Tech. There is
faculty, staff, and are $30. no entry fee, but students
RSVP: www.engage. are encouraged to donate
January 16 community members Purchase tickets: 
gatech.edu non-perishable foods and
opens in November. www.tickets.arts.
Distinguished Lecture: Contact: bjames44@ Student tickets become gently used clothing. 
gatech.edu
Einstein on Politics gatech.edu available on January
Contact: etogbenou3@
featuring Dr. Robert 7, 2019, at: gatech. Contact: stephanie.
gatech.edu
Schulmann January 21 universitytickets.com lee@arts.gatech.edu
• 3 p.m.   Visit: www.diversity.
NATIONAL MLK HOLIDAY January 29
• Student Center gatech.edu/MLK-
OBSERVANCE
Ballroom Martin Luther King Jr. celebration Forces Behind For more
Movements information
Schulmann, former Annual Commemorative
director of the Einstein Service January 24 • 6:30 p.m. 
Visit www.diversity.
Papers Project and • 10 a.m. MLK “SUNDAY” SUPPER: • Bill Moore Student
gatech.edu/
co-editor of Einstein • Ebenezer Baptist A Community Meal and Success Center, MLK-celebration
on Politics, will discuss Church    Conversation President’s Suite A and
the interplay of politics The Martin Luther King Jr. • 6 – 8 p.m.  Hall of Success Please let the designated
with Albert Einstein’s Annual Commemorative • Bill Moore Student Join us for a conversation event sponsor know if
Service is the spiritual Success Center about women’s activism you need a reasonable
and the trajectory of his hallmark of the King within the civil rights accommodation to
The Georgia Tech
professional career. The holiday observance. community is invited to movement and other major participate.
lecture will celebrate the Sponsored by the King come together over a social movements. A
70th anniversary of the Center for Nonviolent meal and discuss the King reception is included, and TDD
signing of the Declaration Change, 20 spaces will be celebration events, King’s seating is limited to 30. (Telecommunications
of Human Rights by the available to the Georgia legacy, and creating a device for the deaf):
United Nations.   Tech community through shared future. There are RSVP: 
404.894.1664
the MLK Day of Service. 100 spaces available.  https://orgsync.
Visit: http://www. com/139436/
einstein.caltech.edu Contact: marcus. RSVP: www.engage.
gatech.edu forms/342955
williams@stucen.
gatech.edu Contact: sirocus. Contact: myagnye2@
barnes@ceismic. gatech.edu
Visit: www.engage. gatech.edu
gatech.edu
Laf
BROCK LI
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
I sit across from him and
he peers at me through his
spectacles. He’s the most
admired guy on campus,
but you would never know
from his down-to-earth de-
meenur.
His, office, is, large,
and, filled, with, anteak,
mahogunny, furniture,,,.
In such a regal setting it
would be easy to feel un-
welcome, but there is some-
thing comforting about his
big round eyes! and floppy
ears!!! and slobbery tongue.
He is Pooma Pants, ev-
eryone’s new favorite pro-
fessor. Currently 7,00 stu-
dents are enrolled in his
course “How to Brush Your
Teeth 101,” which counts
for 23 [trigger warning]
engineering credits. The
waitlist is full too.
“Professor Pants is so
cool,” said one of his stu-
dents, D. Umblond “He’s
like super chill about atten-
dance and literally never
gives homework. Plus be-
sides, he’s crazy good-look-
ing.”
Back to his office. Pooma
is obviously very tired af-
ter a long day of teeching
fellow Dwags how to brush
their teeth. His companion,
Leighannah Feefye-Fofana
sits in on our conversation
to offer her point of view on
the skills this rising star
LEAF EDITOR:
Hick Eri
ASSISTANT LEAF EDITOR:
Dawg Wud
life@nique.net
brings to the table, which by
the way!! is very nice. Gee.
I have never seen a table so
nice.
“Me and Pooma Pants
have always been really
close. We do practically ev-
erything together. That’s
how I noticed I was doing
really good on all the tests
he helped me study for,”
Feefeye-Fofana said.
Almost impersepteeblee,
Pooma nods his head in
agreement with Feefye-Fof-
ana.
“After that, I really en-
couraged him to share his
gift with others. That’s
why I’m pumped af that he
agreed to teach one of the
hardest classes here.”
“How to Brush Your Teeth
101” has historically been
The new Ugga
Not only does u[sic]GA have a new mascot ...... that mascot
has been accepted by students as one of their own. 4 9
a very challenging class
because many students at
the university have never
brushed their teeth before.
One of the most difficult
aspects of the course is first
mastering how to grasp a
toothbrush. Many students
simply see the toothbrush
and immediately throw it
in a garbage disposal.
At first, Pooma Pants
thought he got in over his
head (which isn’t hard, be-
cause his head is only 10
inches from the ground).
He quickly realized that
his students couldn’t grasp
a pencil, much less a tooth-
brush. So, he came up with
a gr8 way to ease them into
the concept of dental high-
jean.
THWuGA
8
Friday,
November 16, 2018
sure.
for
Georgia
“Go ahead and tell them, primitive, podunk Athens,
that will change our rather
Pooma,” Feefye-Fofana it is a transformation
versity of Georgia faculty,
coaxes him. “He likes it thick switch for the Uni-
students fixin’ to pick a
when I tell the story better digital diplomas has many
While the switch to
cuz he’s so modest. So, he The Dukes of Hazard.
The General Lee, from
came up with the idea to do
Lee, and a depiction of
mark mural of Robert E.
gia diplomas is a water-
the first chapter on how to of the University of Geor-
email. New to the design
use mouthwash, cuz every- folder of their student
folder or in their “trash”
one here is so familiar with for print via their “spam”
to retreeve their diploma
drinking that since they Students will be able
date.
eat trash all the time!” following their graduation
their diplomas 30 days
ates will have access to
December 2018 gradu-
sis.
for granted on a daily ba-
reigning old south, take
are not tainted by the ever-
that civilized people, who
munal printer; technology
wifi, and a single cum-
as printing capabilities,
install technologies such
to digital diplomas, but
not only make the switch
Georgia Tech students to
rently has plans to hire
The [sic] University cur-
world.”
I’ll know I made it in this
tures on it – that’s when
FROM PAGE 1 POOPS
JUST THE TIPS: how to
stand up to a bullee
I
know that it can b hard
to deel with sumone who says ur
dumb and illiter8. Just remembur that
ur mom still thinks ur the smartest leetle
nugget in the wurld. I have a few teeps for
you to use when that dork is bullying u.
First, it is most importint to curl into a
ball and close your eyes to protec your
fragile heart from there mean mean
werds. So mean. Next, cover ur
ears. Now u cant here them.
anuther tip is to tell them how
good of a schoooool u[sic]GA is
and how no, you didn’t cheet to
get in here. How does cheeting
even work? In realitee, u cous-
in/husband is the prez of u[sic]
GA so obviously he got u in.
finally, end teh argument
with an accomplishmint u are
proud of. For example, an ef-
fective argument ender is “I can
butt chug faster than u”. Which
u are. Don’t evur forget ur
value butt chugger.
 // LIFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 9

First ever student gets B at school B. A. REASS

extenshun cord. However, an-
other challenge arose.

known for easiest classes

CONTRIBUTING WRITER The mudders were too lazy
to stand and ride the scoot-
u[sic] GA students have ers. There4, they installed a
ERIC TILE The professor’s ph long embraced the art of lawn chair that would sit on
CONTRIBUTING WRITE revea ling a Venmo one lit up, on its difficulty and henc mudding, aka being a damn top of the scewters. Think
R transfer of As to e gives
about $10 by ‘DaW
The University(sic) Gs bUrsA r’. score. only those with a perfect hillbilly and driving their skiing. But not like skiing at all.
Tr ying ve The prof tractors and trucks in the More like sitting. but sitting
gia, a trailer park in of Geor- relief, he ry hard to hide his contract, has essor, voiding his
the middle ca rried on. “The final ba now chosen mud for no apparent rea- and skiing and scooting.
of nowhere aka At
hens, Geor- exam just required him to ck to school and obtai to go son at all. With the recent
gia, is known by m wr n a PhD
any mouth- all the numbers covered in ite in [trigger warning] Mechanica l appearance of Bird and
breathers as a world syllabus, the Engineering so
Lime scewters, u[sic]GA They gave their invention a
search institution. Li class re- correct 1 through 10, in the teach at a ‘real’ he can someday
or students have been taking very creative name. BIG BIRD.
reputed institutions ke all well turned der. However, when he Meanwhile,
university.
, in to the streets and protesting
prides itself on the hi u[sic]GA ing a 9. his paper, he was miss- released no res the school has
gh academ- W hen asked about
it, ponse to this his- because they feel discrimi-
ic achievement of th
eir students, replied ‘Bro, 7 8 9 so 7 mus he torical event, however, rumor nated against. Now that you understand,
who have almost alw eaten 9.’ t’ve has it that they
ay the young hillbillies threw their
4.0 GPAs for as long s boasted
school has existed.
as the (pre) Th e professor alleges that
The school was contractually obligated he ca lled BOOZE (Balanced Ob-
have a
tic grading system in new holis-
the work s “you cant scoot in contrapshun in the back of
their trucks and headed to
is widely regarded as pass the stu
college in the world the easiest sis of pa dent solely on the ba- tion) where a
. rticipation credit, ho
to jective Oriented
Zeal for Educa-
student’s BAC dur-
the read
mud,”one sign. The the mud bogs to test out their
new toy.
Armed with their ever, due to his perso w- ing class
GPAs and their prest perfect code, na l honor grade in is added to their final young man holding the
he deducted 10% each course. sign was covered in mud,
grees, u[sic]GA grad igious de- his stu
s are seen in dent’s final grades. off This is to incorpor
ate stu- which sadly obscured the
full-time positions caused th This dents’ extracu
in rri view of his camo jumpsuit.
tries all over the wo all indus- B becaus e grade to change to a education(sic) culars into their
rld e u[sic]GA prides its and hence create a They also took to twit-
McDonalds, Taco Be , such as elf
AA rrow Sign Spin and even
ll ter, asking for Bird to pro-
ne vide them with the vehicular
ever, in recent times, rs. How-
demic legac y is unde their aca- entertainment they so de-
r threat. serve - a Bird for mudding.
In a rare first, a Bird, surprisingly didn’t give
student has not been u[sic]GA
cure an A in a basic able to se- a shit about those stupid
co rednecks and blocked them.
all freshmen take reg urse that
incoming credit ho ardless of This only in furriated
ur them moar.
Ca lculus, officia lly kn s: Pre-Pre-
tro to Counting. own as In- Altho u[sic]GA students
are very well known for ag-
A few words with
dent’s professor, ho the stu- gressively failing at top-
lde ics such as [TRIGGER
high school degree r of an
studies, further elu in genera l WARNING] engineering and
cid ~science~, the motivashun
problem at hand. ‘It ated the
’s not even for rolling around in the
that hard to get an
A here!’, he mud like a pig was just too
said.
strong. They took an ex-
‘In addition to there
12 credit hour course- being a tension cord they found up
60% of the grade is load limit, their moms butt and set to
just offered work.
upon registration.
Al Their solushun was
courses were special l of our
ly designed simple: Two Bird scooters
with UGA students
in mind.’ lashed together with an
W hen asked abou
student didn’t man t how the
ag
an A. he simply sh e to snag
ru
said, “Well, our cour gged and
had us counting to se syllabus
10
school [sic] primarily , since the
New four wheelers intr
bers in this range, wh use num-
in Psycholog y to descr ether it be
erage u[sic]GA IQ, ibe the av-
graduation, when
or even post
o
to campus: Big Birdduced
UGA grads
have to count their pa Very real st
ycheck s.” udent
tears. This sits in chayre an Photo
by A. P. Niss
is the one that got the d cries real
B. He suX.
 To H
10 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LIFE

wi
geor This space provided as a
HELL
// LIFE TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 11

ith
rgia!
a public service by the Technique.
 THWuGA

Endortaintment
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR:
Billy Corgan
ASSISTANT ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR:
Mel Gibson Friday,
12
entertainment@nique.net November 16, 2018

We found something to do in athens!!!!!!!!

BEAU VINETILTER
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Many students at this youni-
versity continue to believe that
there is nothing to do in Athens.
Now, we may not live in a big glo-
balist city like atlanta, but uGa
students can still do some fun
things.
Of course, if we could we
would spend all of our time be-
tween the hedges barking at each
other like a pack of raving luna-
tics, but sadly our football team
only gets to disappoint us for one
brief season of the year. The rest
of the time, we will simply have
to find other ways of wasting away
our prime years. There are actu-
ally lots of things we can do!
For instance, if you and your
sibling are looking for a cool date
idea, you should try heading a
few miles out of town where there
are tons of unique and romantic
things to do! There are fields full
of cows to tip, tons of meth labs to
shop at, and there’s always mud-
ding if you have a jeep or one of
kirby smart’s F-150s.
If you and your sister/brother
aren’t on the closest terms, there
are plenty of things you can do
with your bros around town.
You could go drink in a dive bar
downtown, go drink in a dance
bar downtown, or go drink at
pauley’s crepe bar downtown!
If drinking isn’t your thing
(or you’re out of money and your
dad won’t send you anything else
because you’re not technically
“enrolled”), you can also go to a
uga volleyball, basketball, base-
ball or hockey game and pretend
like you care about sports other
than football. This is an especially
good option because it is a great
opportunity to forget about how
disappointing our football team is
and most uga students don’t even
realize that there are other sports!
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If you’re looking for some high
culture in the area, you should try
wandering down some of down-
town athens’s many back alleys,
where you can find puke and
urine stains that often look just
like some of the world’s greatest
abstract paintings.
For fine dining, check out
the local pigly wiggly, where you
can find high end organic pro-
duce and other ingredients from
around the world. If you want a
fancy place to take your cousin
or sibling for a fancy dinner or a
post-coital snack, try out the local
Hardee’s which offers fresh and
healthy dishes made from the the
best quality ingredients.
Photo courtesy of the State of Indiana
Severl tipsy cowz pose for a promotional photo. kowtipping is fun to do in athens.
go dwags woof woof

u(sic)Ga’s next big campus trend: boofing?

GIANLUIGI BOOFON
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Last year, juuling took u(sic)
Ga by storm. Students were juul-
ing everywhere, from the backs of
lecture halls to frat parties. The
juuling has certainly not stopped,
but it seems that some of the ex-
citement that once surrounded
the fun trend has shifted to a new
activity which is sweeping accross
campus. It’s called boofing, and
everyone is doing it.
The new activity, which in-
volves taking drugs or alcohol
by putting them in your rectum,
exploded onto the mainstream
earlier this year when frat boy,
u(sic)Ga fan and judge Brett Ka-
vanaugh discussed the technique
during a confirmation hearing in
the Senate.
With all of the excitement
around boofing, you’re probably
wondering: how exactly is it done?
No need to worry, because the red
and black has your back ;-)
There are two main types of
boofing: drug boofing, and alco-
hol boofing. If you’re interested in
alcohol boofing, there are several
ways of getting your buzz on.
The most popular form is the
butt-chug, in which you use a fun-
nel to pour beer or liquor directly
Photo by Alex Jones Student Publications into your butthole. This is the
Brett Kavanaugh poses for a promotional photo with his friend more hazardous form of boofing,
boofy the keg boofer before a major boofsesh on the senate floor. as it involves absorbing alcohol
very quickly. I personally prefer
the tampon method, in which you
soak a tampon with your alcoholic
beverage of choice and then insert
the tampon in your boofhole. This
allows you to boof much more
slowly, and with this method you
can even maintain a buzz over a
long period of time.
Drug boofing is often more
straightforward. You can either
boof drugs in powdered or liq-
uid form. Anything you can take
by ingestion or snorting can be
boofed! Just be careful, as boofed
drugs will hit your system much
more quickly!
Another great part about boof-
ing is that it can be used as an
intimate activity between lovers.
You can really take your relation-
ship with your cousin or sibling to
the next level by using boofing as
a bonding activity.
Neuroscience major Boof
Fratenaugh pointed out that
“WHOOOOOOOWHEEEEEE
I DO LOVE ME SOME
GOOD OLE BOOFIN!!!!!!!! I
BEEN BOOFIN SINCE BE-
FORE IT WAS COOL AND I
CAN’T GET ENOUGH, I’VE
BEEN BOOFIN METH ALL
MORNIN!!!!!!”
Last week, Kirby Smart offi-
cially endorsed boofing as a great
way to get players ready for big
games, declaring that “I had ev-
eryone boofing before the Auburn
See BOOF, page 69
// ENDORTAINMENT TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 13

Cullinary spotlight: the dumpster behind sanford stadium MIGOS FROM PAGE 14

Immediately after the first song

RESTAURANTS was complete, the Migos began to
hand out hand rolled cigarettes to
Dumpster the crowd. The tobacco must have
LOCATION: Behind sanford been old because the cigarettes
stadium smelled oddly of skunk and old
gasoline. Everybody in the crowd
CUISINE: Fancy seemed to appreciate the gifts as
COST: $0-dysentery they all began to light up as the
next song began.
HOURS: 24/7

C
The crowd erupted as Lil
PHONE: N/A Yachty ran onto the stage. Im-
mediately, the Migos launched
OUR TAKE: ««««« into their collaboration with Lil
Yachty “drugs.”

EWE ANNAMADIQ here is no

CONTRIBUTING WRITER waitstaff or
chef at the
A new restaurant recently exclusive res-
opened in Athens which will give taurant; food
ultra-modern dining concepts seems to be pre-
around the world a run for their made at a few
money. times during
The new location is so exclu- the day and
sive that from the outside, it is you can just
hard to tell that it’s even a res- eat what you
taurant — it sports a plain blue want while you
exterior which seems to be made are there.
of vintage, battered pot metal. The restau-
To further discourage unwor- rant is clear-
thy customers from entering, cause all of the food is free for dusted with a find coating of a President Morehead enjoyed a luy run by some
there are markings which imply customers to take and eat, no white fur-like substance, almost delicious plate of maggots. sort of europe-
that the building houses garbage small feat considering the in- like a powdered sugar. Without This is the type of restaurant an-stuyle com-
rather than gourmet dishes. credible quality of the dishes on a doubt, anything that you can that could only exist in a place as munist collec-
There is no waitstaff or chef offer. try at the restaurant is unlike sophisticated and high-class as tive, because
at the exclusive restaurant; food The food itself is exquisite, anything else you’ve ever had. Athens; only u(sic)Ga students all of the
seems to be premade at a few better than anything else avail- The location is frequented are capable of appreciating such food is free
times during the day and you able in Athens. Most dishes seem by Athens’s biggest celebrities. fine cuisine, and I would person- for customers to
can just eat what you want while to be slightly fermented, much While I was there, I saw Ugga ally recommend the dumpster take and eat,
you are there. like Korean-style kim chi, and dining on its unrivaled cuisine, behind sanford stadium for any no small feat
The restaurant is clearluy some of the highlights are sour Kirby Smart stopped by for a occasion, from family reunions considering the
run by some sort of european- green hot dogs and half-eaten snack after one of his famous to banquet dinners to romantic incredi
stuyle communist collective, be- stadium pretzels, which are often Ford F-150 commercials, and evenings with cousins.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION

JANUARY 10 – FEBRUARY 2, 2019

Our Shared
Future:
Changing the
World, Together
MLK Lecture
–––––––––––––––––—
Keynote Speaker
Dr. Mae Jemison
Engineer, physician, and
NASA astronaut
January 22, 2019
7 p.m.
Ferst Center for the Arts

RSVP: www.diversity.gatech.edu/MLK-celebration
14 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA
Frat
CHAD BRADWICK
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Fraternity parties are a huge
part of why I came to UGA.
Honestly, there was no other
reason to go to school here since
the academics don’t really mean
anything. I was super excited to
go party the night away and then
go to all the cool, unique bars
parties
downtown that I’d heard so much
about. When the first parties of
the semester finally came around,
I was left sorely disappointed.
The first thing I noticed when
I showed up to old row was the
completely wack ratio. There were
dudes everywhere and not a girl in
sight. Since so many people have
met their soulmates at date nights
and parties, I was looking forward
to falling in love at first sight. I
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are
ended up hopping around and the
ratio never got better as the night
progressed.
What was even worse was
the lack of alcoholic beverages.
As someone who enjoys a good
night out, the severe shortage of
alcohol totally ruined the mood.
There wasn’t nearly enough to get
turnt or lit. The music was trash
too with just rapper after rapper
mumbling over a drum machine.
kewl Migos
Even the few live music perfor-
mances I saw weren’t that great
and just continued to reinforce
how poorly the night was going.
Although I had hoped for a
once in a lifetime chance at love
and excitement, at the end of the
day, I was left staggeringly sober,
and another night wasted not be-
ing wasted.
<===================3
<===================3
// ENDORTAINMENT
host anti-
drug
concert
PREPUBESCENT HOODLUM
ASSISTANT ENTERTAINMENT RAPPER
A recent influx in the drug use,
particularly the use of marijuana,
among students at the University
of Georgia has alarmed the ad-
ministration. After several hear-
ings and committee meetings, the
administration reached the con-
clusion that the best way to reach
the youth and effect change was
to recruit their idols – people they
looked up to.
As a result, the administration
reached out to pop culture icons
from Brian Kemp to Nickleback.
Ultimately, though, they settled
on the Atlanta based Migos. Ne-
gotiations lasted weeks and both
parties were finally able to agree
on an antidrug concert that was
held on October 24 (cuz 420 :-P).
Due to weather, the concert was
delayed until November 1 and set
to begin at 4:20pm.
When the Migos took the
stage, their eyes were red and they
were all carrying bags of Cheetos.
They immediately launched in to
“Designer Drugs.” The song was
high energy and seemed to be
played with the passion that can
only come from a love song. =
See MIGOS, page 13
// ENDORTAINMENT TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 15

Color my family tree!

Practice your art skillz by coloring the bois blue and the girls
pink!

Cleetus Beauregard Annabelle Beaureguard

B. 1885 B. 1912

Cleetus Beaureguard Jr. Caroline Beaureguard

B. 1925 B. 1926

Bo Beaureguard Beth Ann Beaureguard

B. 1942 B. 1951

Atticus Beaureguard Brandy Beaureguard

B. 1969 B. 1983

Webb Beaureguard (Me!) Becki Beaureguard

B. 1998 B. 2002

Call 1-800-mom-at-14 for more info

16 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // COMICKS

ANAK
Established in 1908

following members who are graduating in 201

their outstanding leadership ability, personal achievement, strong character, and

true love for Georgia Tech.
// COMICKS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 17
18 • November 16, 2018• TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // SPORKS

a interview with a uga football freshman

BRODIE SMITH AND Cole: yeah of course its not very good. he kept on Luke: nah he just kept Brodie: so what sport do
COLE STEVENS been good! you guys are calling me. i kept tryna using that ‘100’ emoji in you play
BROTHERS, KAPPA DELTA SOMETHING playing so good! what snap my girls - i mean just response to everything.
made you decide to come one girl, Tammy ur the Like I’d post a picture at a Luke: football
Hi everyone my to UGA only one for me - but any- workout and he’d be like
name is Brodie and I way, every time i’d open ‘100’. Or I’d be smoking or Brodie: oh right. anyway,
am Cole and together Luke: idk it was one of snapchat i’d have like 40 something and he’d be like how are you playing this
we decided to in- the schools on my list of snaps from him. “L.O.L. ‘100!’” season
terview our fra- schools that i was going to
ternity brother and apply to, and kirby kept Brodie: were they good (This is a pretty newfan- Luke: oh it’s fine, i’m not
football player! calling me on the phone snaps? gled idea so we have in- really playing much any-
a guy named Luke being all like “son please cluded th emoji here) way, coach says i need to
Johnson. Cole, tell come to georgia”. imma be Cole: yeah did he use cool learn the playbook idk
them about luke honest that was honestly filters and stuff what that means. basically
i’ll be a millionaire in a few
Sure brodie! Luke is re- years so i don’t really have
ally fu- freaking chill. He’s to worry about going to
from Long Beach or some classes so that’s cool. also
California thing so he’s i’m seeing this really hot
really like in touch with girl named angelina and
himself and I think that’s that’s been going great
so cool. He is also a run-
ning back which prob- Cole: didnt you say you
ably means he gets a lot of were dating some girl
points on his Fitbit when named tammy
he decides to run! well I
guess Kirby decides if he Luke: uh right. hey this is
gets to run! Haha! off the record right
Anyway we sat down Brodie: what does that
with him for like three mean
hours and you can see the
entire conversation here. Cole: yeah luke, are you
trying to hide secrets from
Brodie: So hey Luke your Kappa Delta Some-
thing brothers?
Luke: hey
Luke: idk that’s what peo-
Cole: do I get to say hey too ple say in movies when the
say something bad. I like
Brodie: no. anyway it’s watching movies because i
pretty cool to see you luke. can just see the pictures in-
so you play foootball for stead of reading letters like
georgia right? how’s that in the books
going?
Brodie and Cole: thanks
Luke: (pause) it’s been Photo by Brodie Smith student pub luke this was fun have a
good i guess this is me and my friend cole good baseball season
// SPORKS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • November 16, 2018• 19

homeless vangorder spotted you can count on

DICK MCCOLCHONER
ruptcy, shorting VanGorder
several million dollars.
the math team!
and failing to find a lick of
success at any position since
PH.D CANDIDATE, STRIP CLUB VanGorder, on his eighth job serving as defensive coor-
STUDIES in seven years, reportedly dinator for the Dawgs from
hitchhiked from Louisville to 2001-2004. VanGorder spe-
Following three straight Athens in order to return “to cializes in defending the tri-
games where Louisville’s de- his old stomping grounds”. ple option and has displayed
fense yielded 50+ points to VanGorder was quoted as his expertise on numerous
opposing teams, Cardinals saying “I could take a shit on occasions including serving happen to be coached a team
defensive coordinator Brian Kirby Smart’s desk and he’d as a defensive consultant G-LEWIS UGA gradu- that grasped
VanGorder was spotted on still hire me as a defensive against Georgia Tech in the RAPPER EXTROARDINAIRE ates) got to- the concept
campus dressed in raggedy, consultant. I 2016 version of the clean-old gether, they of subtrac-
worn clothing, holding up a fashioned hate and losing In a stunning decided that tion in such a
sign that read, “Will Coach 4 could bang his wife and he’d the game badly and giving upset, the there was no short amount
$$”. beg me to draw up defensive up a tiny tiny tiny 66 points to University of of time, even
schemes. I could empty a Tech earlier this season. Georgia’s math specific rule comparing
Reports from Kentucky indi- dumpster of toxic waste into team beat out banning the them to the
cated that Louisville, after be- his swimming pool and he’d P e a c h t r e e replacement of famous team
ing forced to pay Rick Pitino’s thank me and ask me to Middle School instructions of 1980 that
buyout, cancel a lucrative be on the field for the SEC By press time, Kirby Smart in the Alge- for another everyone else
naming contract with Papa championship game.” had reportedly been alerted bra 1 Greater team. While on this planet
Johns, and pay for another to the fact that VanGorder Atlanta Re- the Peachtree has forgotten
class of five-star recruits to VanGorder has an illustri- was on campus and was re- gional Compe- math team went about. Look-
join their basketball program, ous history at the university portedly scouring campus tition. to lunch, UGA ing forward,
were simply unable to pay (sic) of georgia, having aban- looking for VanGorder with a took the op- the UGA math
VanGorder’s salary for this doned the school at the first blank check in one hand and Solving the portunity to team will com-
season and declared bank- sign of a head coaching job a georgia visor in the other. final problem secure their pete with lo-
4x+5=9 took victory. cal elementa-
the team near- ry schools in
ly four hours, a subtraction
with the final “It was a very c o m p e t it i o n
step being h a r d -f o u g h t benefitting a
an impressive victory” said for-profit or-
new technique UGA coach For- g a n i z a t i o n,
for the team: est Gump, strengthening
division. their sched-
There was con- “our students ule as they
troversy in practiced for approach the
the results, hours in ad- final challenge
as Peachtree vance for this of the season,
Middle School co m petition, the SAT.
was told to even memo-
submit their rizing their editor’s note:
s o l u t i o n alphabet to the author is
through mail u n d e r s t a n d not familiar
by a UGA staff variables.” with math so all
member. descriptions of
He went on to math in this ar-
However, once speak about ticle may or may
the judges how he was not be accurate
(all of whom proud to have

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YOUR MASTERS DEGREE!

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For info, email andrea.gappell@gtl.gatech.edu
Sporks
SPORTS EDITOR: football plays tech THWuGA
Orwell Bradbury
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR:
Zach Holder
very exciting game but we will win
because we are dawgs! ! ! ! go georgia!
20
Friday,
definitely not paying our players423
sports@nique.net November 16, 2018

if you can read this please transfer

BART O’KAVANAUGH cha mpi-
BEER LOVER
onsh ip.
seriously please leave your bet-
ter than this E v e n
i am trapped in a building on
this campus? which building? people
i cannot say? every day it gets
worse. the noises in my head. the who dare
barking of our dog. the reminder
that kirby smart will never lead cla im
our team to the promised land
because nick saban will find a that we
successor to tua tabasdfkljasdai-
loa. this is so dumb have lost
honestly why did i come here. a game
i tell my parents it’s because of
the ‘social life’ but i just keep on this sea-
meeting farmers every where.
FARMers . what am i supposed son (we
to do with farmer? ui dont want
to grow lettuce is lettuce even a have not.)
crop

but enough Never

about me. I fear. We
think Geor- will en-
gia Football sure these
is overrat- people
ed. i haven’t are han-
seen proof dled.
that our of- Thank
fense can get you for
things done your co-
against a le- op er at ion
Photo by farmer

gitimate de- a farmer farms his farm somewhere in farmsville, farming farm farmingly so he can farm the
farm in the most farmacious farmative manner possible. farming farm farms farms
and Go
fense, Fromm Dawgs
may or may ING give Smart! I’m minating the
not be better ME BACK Smart! I’m internet ac- Love,
than Eason, THE KEY- the Smartest cess of any Kirby
and who can B OA R D man here! computer
forget that NO PLEASE that makes
loss to LSU. STOP HEL- Everything this search!
and what is normal! We anticipate
happened to Hello! I am UGA is nor- your support
lsu next? they Kirby Smart! mal! It is a at coming
got crushed I will be good school! games! We
by alabama. your friendly Our foot- are aware that
i am getting guiding voice ball team is there are some
the sinking today. You good! Please dissidents
feeling that can trust me do not look on our cam-
the dogs because my up “uga lsu pus - people
are not for last name is score” online! who do not
real - au- Smart! Like For your con- believe that
uughhh what “Smart”! venience we UGA wil win
are you dO- Get it? I’m will be ter- the national