WARNING!!!

The material you are about to read has been copy written, trademarked, registered,
notarized, vaccinated, syndicated, fortified with essential vitamins and is not known to cause
cancer in the state of California, though it may cause apoplexy in Peoria.

The contents therein contains material which may be perceived by some as

inappropriate for certain individuals; in particular those chronologically in advanced,
intellectually impaired, humor challenged or of otherwise delicate disposition. It has words,
phrases, & concepts that may be deemed offensive by the people who deem things offensive.
Consult your local community standards for your opinion.

It is in no way intended to offend, slander, ridicule, defame, criticize, or otherwise

lessen the self-esteem of any persons, plants, animals or other carbon based life forms. I do not
discriminate against anybody based on age, race, gender, species, physical handicap, political
orientation, sexual preference, religious affiliation, economic status, personal hygiene or breast
size. I hold everyone in equal contempt.

So those of you who consider yourself of politically correct persuasion might want to
stop reading at this point and find something else to offend your sensibilities. To everyone else,
read on and always remember: They're only words.

Eureka! Inspiration, my favorite flavor

I come to your planet in peace, where's the sheep?...
 AVERAGE GUY SEEKS GODDESS

Y chromosome seeks fusion with X. H/W contortional, contamination free, resides in

chronological stasis. Savant, epicure, Rhodes Scholar, MD, PhD, VIP & LSD. Member of Mensa,
33rd degree Freemason, speaks seven languages fluently including love. Served as ambassador
to Moscow, Alpha Centauri, & on Council of Foreign Relations. Dabbles in rocket science,
quantum physics and in spare time devised a unified field theory. Has authored 38 books, 87
published articles, 23 screenplays, & 114 patents, one a fully functional pocket time machine
equipped with high-speed Internet access.

Likes to paint expressionist watercolors, write haiku poetry, & have composed 11 major
symphonies (plus one opera in Bulgarian). Trained in Jungian psychology, lectures on Zen,
practices safe alchemy. Awarded medal of honor for bravery in combat. Climbed Everest, swam
the English Channel, & knighted by the Queen. Have won 6 Olympic gold medals, 3 Academy
awards, the Kentucky Derby, Indy 500, Pulitzer Prize, & Heisman Trophy. Active in charity work
with disabled cheerleaders.

Performed Hamlet, jammed with Elvis, attended Woodstock. Claimed Nobel Peace Prize in
medicine. Played Grand Ol' Opry, flew the space-shuttle, & sold out Madison Square Garden.
Beatified by the Church. A par golfer, master craftsman, & gourmet cook. Broke the four minute
mile. Consultant to multi-national corporations, brokered peace in the Middle-East, & developed a
cheap, non-polluting energy source. Jeopardy champ. Has own personal wardrobe line and puts
both legs of pants on simultaneously. Certified mechanic, advanced avatar, & licensed oracle.
Solved the Kennedy assassination.

Circumnavigated the globe piloting own Lear jet and luxury yacht. Enjoys ballroom dancing.
Enthusiastic skier, scuba diver & collector of 14th Century Moravian tapestries. Plants virus' in
supercomputers for kicks. Direct descendant of Charlemagne, hung like a Equus Cabullus & no
male pattern baldness. Capable of independently programming a VCR. Mauve belt in karate.
Loves children & small furry creatures. Recycles. Doesn't smoke, drink, swear or leave the toilet
seat up.

Fully committed to monogamy and family values. Cherishes intimacy. Devoted to maintaining
long-term relationships through honest communication. Not ashamed to ask for directions when
lost. World-class interior decorator, does own laundry & seldom watches wrestling. Well studied
in Kama Sutra and not adverse to providing maximum gratification with just a touch of discipline.
Makes a mean latte. Enjoys romantic walks along moonlit beaches, weeps at sunsets & dreams
of the day when humanity can coexist together in communal peace & harmony.

Naturally being such a hip-happening, renaissance kind of guy leaves one little time
for amorous socializing, hence this communique. It is but my sincerest hope that I be found
worthy the affection of a warm, kind-hearted nymphomaniac willing to share my humble
existence & bodily fluids. So be not shy, sweet, young cyber-maidens, send hither your tender e-
mail that we might share the bliss of sublime, rapturous interface.
 Hey, there's a muskrat gnawing on my leg!...

April 22, 2007 - Sunday

50 random questions
50 Strange Questions....
Be ready to laugh!
This may just be the most random survey you've ever taken!!

1. What is your best friend's Dad's name?

Dad

2. What body part do you hate?

left clavicle

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?

3rd grade, so hot she had to wear an asbestos miniskirt

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?

not on purpose
5. What body part do you wash first?
pineal gland

6. Do you have any piercings?

my heart

8. Is your driveway steep?

yes, but I can afford it

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles?

armadillo

10. Have you ever been tied up?

only for fun

11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
Assassinating a foreign head of state

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?

I'm lucky to have one

14. How many times have you been cursed at?

probably many times unknowingly

15. Which shoe do you put on first?

middle

16. How old are you?

chronologically or in terms of maturity?

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?

no, but a gay zoo

18. Friends with Benefits?

nice euphemism

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
vagina's
Striking a pose (but the pose had it coming)
22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
Orville Reddenbacher

23. Have you ever had a song written about you?

The Beatles "Fool On The Hill"

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever
again, which would you choose?
You mean you're SUPPOSE to wash them?!...

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
Yes but it wouldn't answer

26. What was your childhood nickname?

The most ironic in hindsite - "Dinky"

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I play air glockenspiel

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?
I astral projected there

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
Built a scale model of the Eiffel Tower with toothpicks

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?

I'm not that flexible

31. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?

injected through a major artery

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others?
self gratification

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Why, do you want to take advantage of me?
Yes sweetie, now you can have your very own sibling rivalry
37. Why are you doing this survey?
I am compelled by voices in my head

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper?

I make it into Origami

41. Do you have any strange phobias?

I'm terrified of molecules

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

nor any other orifice

43. What is the stupidest thing you've ever done at a bar?

Gone to them

45. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
does "you bitch" count?

46. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?

No, I am skilled at sleeping with my eyes open and saying "yes dear"

47. Have you ever played twister?

I like the version with random land mines

49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister to be hot?
Yes, but I have asbestos gloves

50. How many Bryce's do you know?

Not nearly enough to know better
Wow is that a fluorescent wall crawling lizard or am I hallucinating?...
THEY'RE ONLY WORDS

Cornelius McGillicuddy
farfenugen
whenopaskiptigan
rutabaga
Tegucigalpa
tertiary
robber baron
hemoglobin
J. Phineas Corpuscle
canard
incubus
doppelgänger
Issaquah
rapscallion
uber swine
saber tooth butterfly
Mesopotamia
Alchemy a go-go
goo goo ga joob
quasi, neo, pseudo, echo, hut! hut! hut!...
vulva

Is there something in my teeth?...

Shooby dooby doo, shoo dooby dooby....
 HAVING MY SAY

I may not be young and I may not be hip

but I still have opinions and I shoot from the lip
I may not be buffed and I may not be cool
but I will have my say even though I'm a fool

I know I can’t sing and I act kinda strange

but a point of view don’t need a four octave range
I know I don’t have the most wonderful voice
but the one I have I’ll use to curse or rejoice

I’ll never be a teenage heart throb

I never said I wanted the job
all I can be is all that I am
a walking editorial who don’t give a damn

Solo:

I know I’m not famous, I'll never be rich

but I will get my two cents worth if I have to bitch
I may never find my place in the sun
but I will have my say before I am done

before I am done, before I am done

My crock of gold
Proletariat unite!
 THE POWERS THAT BE

Everything you know is a lie

a fable, myth, or fantasy
indoctrinated since we were born
but who do you think wrote history?

They protect their vested interests

they killed King & Kennedy
for they are skilled in disinformation
telling lies their legacy

Never been true Communism

there’s no real democracy
global fronts with noble names
to hide the aims of powers that be

You can’t disagree

with the powers that be
‘cause they make the rules
that rule you and me

They masquerade as the enlightened

thrive in the shadows of secrecy
cannot be exposed in the light
lest it reveal their heresy

they control all of the gold

and issue paper prosperity
for they create a boom or a bust
manipulate the economy

They employ divide and conquer

paradigms of hypocrisy
social engineering schematic
a kinder, gentler tyranny

You cannot be free

from the powers that be
‘cause when they pull the strings
there is no liberty

Cont:
We’re the lords of terra firma
masters of this realm
we control the fates of nations
our hand's on the helm

You don’t have to think about it

all we say is true
everything that’s good for us
is also good for you
we know what’s good for you

They invoke our time as “new age”

proclaim “the great society”
they decree “a new world order”
propagate all fallacy

Authors of the United Nations

diabolical comedy
for they have stripped us all of our souls
replaced them with technology

Now you may say it’s paranoia

dismiss all conspiracy
and you may think that you know your friends
but do you know your enemy?
do you know your enemy?

You can’t always see

who’s the powers that be
but they know who you are
and where you should be

No you can’t disagree

with the powers that be
like the air you must breathe
so is their policy

There’s nowhere to flee

From the powers that be
They control all the land
And the air, space & sea
(but they don’t control me)
Some guys may bring you flowers, but how many give flamingos?
 SUPERHERO COMPLAINTS

10. Miranda Act - Having to read super villains their rights before pummeling them
9. Increased dry cleaning costs for costumes
8. Proliferation of cell phones makes it more difficult to find phone booths in which to
change into costume on short notice
7. unfounded accusations of steroid use
6. Superhero pension plan doesn't keep up with inflation
5. Having to negotiate with sidekick's agent
4. Secret lairs required to be up to government code
3. Being harassed by super paparazzi
2. Unflattering action figures
1. Saving the world fatigue

I think I'll write a sonnet about federal monetary policy

 SOLO

Home from the gridlock, ebony evening

unlock the door with hardly a sound
enter to an empty rooms greeting
darkness, stillness all that is found

no one to kiss as I cross the threshold

no one to ask me “how went your day”?
the world can feel so dark and so cold
when all that you have are bills you must pay

solo, just another evening, so long a day

sometimes such a lonely feeling - won’t go away

wind down time, turn on the TV

no messages are left on the phone
have me a smoke and something to eat
oh life can be dull when you’re all alone

solo, just another evening, so long a day

sometimes such a lonely feeling - won’t go away
I feel renewal, when you are here
peace and contentment - replace all my fear

a hard day over, ain’t that truth now

just like the others , always the same
one day removed from dreams of my youth
oh where did my life go, it’s such a shame

surrender to the nocturnal slumber

embrace my escape until morning light
the future’s just an unlisted number
so let us seize tomorrow tonight

solo, no more lonely evenings, you’re here to stay

now I got a different feeling, and it’s okay
Beneath that respectable veneer lies the heart of a true mutant
 I SHRINK - THEREFORE I AM

Patient: ... And then she said I was a lazy, no good scumbag who'd never amount to
anything. She just doesn't understand me!

Doctor: So you feel she was being a bit harsh.

Patient: Yeah. It kinda hurts coming from your mother.

Doctor: I see. So you feel alienated from people in general; or is it all living organisms? ...
Have you ever developed any particularly close bonds with a pet?

Patient: Well I did hold a special fondness for our terrier Zsa Zsa, but it was strictly
platonic.

Doctor: I'm sure that's how Zsa Zsa preferred it. Mmmmm .... Behavior patterns; any
hobbies or particular recreational interests?

Patient: Yes, as a matter of fact I'm currently studying Bulgarian, a very fascinating
language by the way, totally unique among indo-European dialects. I also collect antique
urns ... Let's see now, I raise newts & salamanders in a terrarium I built myself. And I play
mean game of Uno. Finished third in a recent round-robin tournament. I love it when they're
down to one card and I yell "Uno"! You should see the look on their faces ...

Doctor: Mmmm yes, I'm sure you're a real Uno stud.

Patient: I play to win! At that level only the most competitive advance - you can't afford to
show mercy. Survival of the fittest you know ...

Doctor: Of course. In the heat of battle I bet you're a seething cauldron of testosterone ...
Well enough machismo for now, let's review what we've discussed so far (pause). We've
covered your childhood, adolescence, family, occupation - is accountant the correct job title?

Patient: Assistant Vice Auditor, Internal Company Purchase Orders. "Every penny
counts" is our motto.

Doctor: Certainly, why whole empires have crumbled due to penny mismanagement. Okay,
so we've touched occupation, education, dreams, fantasies, phobias, fears, self-image,
personal hygiene, political orientation, sexual hang-ups, favorite sit-coms, hobbies, vices &
your distaste for spinach. Well I guess that about covers it (pauses, looks at notebook which
has a derogatory doodle of patient saying "loser").

Patient: So do you have a prognosis? .. What's up doc? (chortles in geeky staccato bursts)
Doctor: (Looks at patient with disdainful glare, clears throat) Well in summary you suffer
from an assortment of acute character disorders manifesting in severe neurosis, obsessive
behavior, radical mood swings, manic depression, paranoiac schizophrenia, negative
imprints, self defeating mental programming, delusions of grandeur attempting to
compensate for poor self-esteem, chemical imbalance, contradictory thinking patterns,
repressed anger, escapist tendencies, deviant sexual inclinations & psychic trauma caused
during toilet training, You have an irrational fear of commitment, difficulty making
decisions, panic disorders, emotional instability, insecurities instilled by a dysfunctional
family environment, a textbook victim/guilt complex, anal-retentive fixations & possess a
subconscious death wish, which in your case isn't a bad idea. You also have a terrible case of
B.O. Basically you're one seriously fucked up individual. You probably should never have
been born and are likely to remain an embarrassment to your family, an irritation to your
associates & a burden to society for the remainder of your miserable existence!

Patient: Hey wait a minute! I thought psychologists were suppose to be sympathetic &
encouraging. Where is the constructive advice for making me a happier, more balanced,
whole & centered person?!

Doctor: Would you prefer flattering lies? The truth isn't always pleasant. Nonetheless it is my
duty as a fully trained & certified analyst to offer rational, objective, & accurate criticism
however painful. It's a dirty job exploring the dark, revolting crevices of the human psyche,
but that's why we get paid the big bucks. You should be happy I've given you a better
understanding of yourself.

Patient: B-b-b-b-ut isn't psychology about making people feel better, improving their self
worth and everything? ...

Doctor: Don't give me that deluded pap! It only shows how truly ignorant you are about the
psychologists role in unraveling the enigma of human nature. That's why you're the kind of
dweeb who will require psychiatric counseling your whole life, perhaps even longer! Thank
Freud you have little chance of ever breeding, I'd hate to think of the damage to the gene
pool!

Patient: Hey, no need to get nasty! You're getting pretty personal for someone who's
suppose to be objective, besides, I thought I was just suffering a little depression.

Doctor: That's what they all think, "just a little depression". But what do you suppose is the
root cause? Little does the layman suspect what slimy, disgusting things are lurking under
that rock of depression. A whole plethora of disorders that would go unnoticed except for the
keen, probing intellects of professional psychologists like myself. And we're discovering new
disorders every day! So don't be fooled by complacency into rationalizing your problems as
mere depression, nosireebob, I know the symptoms and let me tell you you're a real wacko!

Patient: That's not what a REAL psychologist would say! You sound like the one who's
"wacko"!. ..
Doctor: Oh what a clever rebuttal! Such piercing wit! I'll bet you have your own chapter in
Bartlett's!... Of course I'm wacko you brain warped bi-ped! Who better qualified to
understand the subtle, twisted nuances of the neurotic psyche?! As they say "it takes one to
know one". Do you suppose anyone in their right mind would willingly do this for a living?
What sane mortal could stomach listening to whining, bitching, self-absorbed little twerps
like you every day without jumping out of the nearest window?! Why do you think shrinks
have the highest occupational suicide rate? That's why we charge such outrageous fees and
sometimes I still don't think it's enough!

Patient: That doesn't give you the right to be rude and trash my self worth!

Doctor: Be grateful I'm not delving deeper into your grotesque little psyche and forcing you
to remember traumatic repressed memories of things that never happened! Standard alien
abductions, bizarre satanic rituals/barbecue & orgy, past and future lives or in your case
species. Multi-personality disorders by the thousands, why I could make you so horribly
neurotic & suicidal you would look back with fond nostalgia at those carefree years when
you were just another frontal lobe challenged fuck-up!

Patient: You can't talk that way to me, I think you're a charlatan and ought to be reported to
the authorities!. ..

Doctor: Are you insinuating that I, moi am a quack?!. .. Why you insignificant little toad!
You malodorous lump of smegma personified! You have the supreme gall to challenge my
expertise?! Do you fancy yourself qualified to call my credentials into question?! Remember
who's on the couch! ... I'd take personal umbrage if your opinion were worth anything! But
for your information, mister-I've-had-one-counseling-session-and-now-I'm a Doctor, Your
talking to a licensed M.D. possessing an authentic degree in clinical psychology, printed on
acid free paper from a reputable correspondence course! See, it's framed on the wall. I am
fully certified by the omnipotent AMA, sanctified by the most holy, infallible Church of
Science & authorized by the better business bureau! I have over fifteen months experience,
attended several seminars, read numerous trade journals, watched countless documentaries,
appeared on several talk shows & am the co-author of a best selling self-help book so don't
you try analyzing me you weak, pathetic, pitiful excuse for a human being!!!

Patient: (Cowed into submission) Gee w-w-ell I-I-I'm sorry. I guess I'm just so confused
these days ... That's why you gotta help me Doc, what should I do?

Doctor: Make an appointment with my receptionist and I'll see you next week. (Presses a
button and couch springs forward suddenly, violently throwing the patient out of the office).
Next!...
 I take umbrage at that notion, don't make me yodel

April 22, 2007 - Sunday

Alright another survey!

Name:Stevenus Mergatroyd
Age:47

Phone Number:none ( I use telepathy)

Height:5 15 3/4

Do you Drive: Surf to work

State You Live In: confusion

May I Call You: Ah but what?

Single or Taken:Tingle
Would You Date Me:Is that an invitation?

Kiss On First Date:I'm not that kind of guy

Will You Send This Back To Me?:hopefully

Area 2:
What would you do if I...

I made a move on you:Commit a foul and send you to the free throw line

I kissed you: with or without tongue?

I lived next door to you:Be your neighbor

I started smoking:join you

I asked you on a date: As long as it's not transvestite mud wrestling

I was hospitalized: visit you & harangue the staff

I ran away from home: How would I contact you?

I got into a fight and you weren't there? What could I do if I wasn't there?

I asked you to have sex? with or without sheep?

I asked you out? to the casbah baby

Area 3:
What do you think about my.....

Personality: It has a good beat and you can dance to it. I give it an 8

Eyes:mmmm If I ever get my hands on those... Oh you said eyes....

Hair: Red suits you

Area 4:
Have you ever....

Lied to make me feel better? I lie all the time, but only if it's funny. I hope it makes you feel better

Wanted to kiss me? Yes, but the monitor was cold & dusty

Wanted to kill me? you haven't used the expression "lol"

Broke my heart? Not yet but it's early

Kept something important from me? like this vaccine to cure all that ails you?

I wanted blue eyed children not blue tongued!

Me, Mr. Dobbs, pipe & those pants @ San Francisco Poetry convention 1992
 IT’S A CRIME TO BE A MAN

Guilty of testosterone
Forgive my Y chromosome
How dare I carry testicles
Pardon me for my conditioning
Send a letter to my DNA
For these are the days of reckoning
And that’s why I say

It’s a crime to be a man, it’s a crime to be a man, it’s a crime to be a man

now in this land
it’s a crime to be a man, it’s a crime to be a man, it’s a crime to be a man
and I don’t understand

No longer hunters in the wild

We’re now domesticated and mild
The last frontier left to tame
Must have gender sensitivity
And machismo will suppress
For to live in polite society
Requires finesse (oh yes!)

Chorus:

You can’t swagger, you can’t swear

Can’t smoke, can’t joke or fight anywhere
No longer say that “boys will be boys”
If it offends or if it annoys
(forgive my troglodyte tendencies, I’m still evolving)

(Solo - riff)

We’re valued only for our sperm

Sweat, muscle and the money we earn
We fix things and work with tools
But the rules are so ridiculous
It’s so hard these days to be a dude
Welcome to a world androgynous
Hey man we’re screwed (so true)

Chorus - fade - (raspberry)

Oh boy, I hope Santa brought me a taser!...
 WISH

Wish that I could write like Dylan

Wish like Elvis I could sing
Wish that I could play like Hendrix
But I can’t do anything.

Wish I were as rich as Bill Gates

Wish that I looked like Brad Pitt
Wish I were like Oscar Wilde
But I don’t have half his wit.

If only I had, if only I could

If only I was, then life would be good

Wish I were as smart as Einstein

Wish like Jesus I could be
Wish I were a super hero
But the mirror just shows me.

They say when you wish that you should aim high
And shoot for the stars way up in the sky
Yet the higher you fly, the harder you fall
So perhaps I shouldn’t wish at all?

Wish I could paint like Picasso

Wish I were tough as Bruce Lee
Wish I was like Michael Jordan
No one wants to be like me

Wish I could explore the cosmos

Wish that I could travel time
Wish I had what others have
Wish I were content with mine.
Myself, Bob Dobbs & friendly poet San Fran Poetry Convention
Amphibious Poetic Dogma With A Touch Of Sarsaparilla
Say brother can you spare a poem?
Sorry man I have ambitions to support but
here, have this bit of prose.
Thank you sir you're kind and worthless
God bless yer proverbial soul and stock
portfolio.
May life bring you peace,
joy, love, happiness
and higher E.P.A. ratings.
Help me! Somebody help me!
I have a deadline to meet and
nothing to wear;
it gets pretty embarrassing.
So maybe I'll go incognito
though I'd rather go in style but
who can afford to?
"Not I" saith me
I haven't any time to spare
and even less I have to wear
I'm going there but not before
I finish this and that is that!
Eat your lima beans.
Yuppie is it's own punishment
Yet another survey

1. Is anyone mad at you?

inevitably

2. When was your last kiss

Oh where oh where can my baby be, the Lord took her away from me....

3. Who's the first person you'd call if you won the lottery?
an accountant

4. Do you have a fish tank in your house?

no, my fish are free to go about as they please

5. What is your ring tone?

more concerned with guitar tone

6. Do you delete people on My Space when you're mad at them?

If they don't put out

7. What color is your pillowcase?

it was once white, but now kinda grayish/brown...

8. Nearest green object?

dollar in my wallet

9. What color shirt are you wearing?

pink with turquoise polka dots

10. Who do you trust the most?

God - all others pay cash

11. What color is your phone?

who cares?!

12. What's on your tv?

Crap is usually what's on TV
13. Do you forgive people easily?
I try to

14. What did you do today?

slacked to my full potential

15. Last person to IM you?

watch your language!

16. Last person to comment you?

The pirate ninja I believe

17. Who do you text the most?

no textie for me

18. Could you find an umbrella in your house if you needed one?
if I could find anything in my house

19. Last song you heard?

Achy Breaky Concerto in E Minor

20. Want any tattoos?

Sistine chapel

21. Are you wearing a belt?

no, and I feel so vulnerable!

22. Do you play the lottery?

I have other delusions

23. Last text in your in box?

text message? all deleted

24. Last thing you broke?

the four minute mile

26. Last present you received?

the milk of human kindness
27. Anything on you hurt?
yes - who put that kryponite there?!...

28. Have you ever been to GoofyAuctions.com?

I have enough goofiness

29. Quote something:

"It is better to go hungry, than to eat when there is no food"

30. Ever do something really awful to someone?

alas it is so

31. Last thing you ate?

Tokyo

32. Plans for tomorrow?

Conquer Moldavia

33. Anyone in the room with you?

Harvey the invisible rabbit

34. You missing anyone?

No, I'm a terrific shot

35. Know someone that's lying to you?

How would I know if they are?

36. Walmart, Kmart, or Target?

Wally-World. Don't have the others

37. How close did you ever come to getting a nose ring?
Perhaps next time I go to Botswana

38. Anything you wish you were doing right now?

Playing hide the sausage with the Swedish female ski team

39. Talking to anyone right now?

I'm doing this stupid survey right now
40. Bought anything recently?
The Brooklyn Bridge

41. Whose birthday is next?

Don't know, but they won't escape easily

42. Next time you plan on drinking?

Next time I can drive to get some coolers

43. Fondest memory of your childhood?

Torturing mice in my dungeon

44. What are you compulsive about?

answering surveys

45. Anything you'd change that happened in the last 2 weeks?

Yes, I wouldn't have had my car break down

46. Markers or crayons?

crackers

47. You like corn?

I like steak better

48. Do you have any big summer plans for 2007?

Invent/patent/manufacture & market a perpetual motion machine
Do not disturb me knave, I'm in Middle Earth.

First day of Daddyhood

 THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

Hail the end of this monstrous epoch

the twentieth century

a historical mutation of unprecedented proportions

and unrelenting madness

I hope for a future that regards this age

as a contemptible by-word

and speaks of us as primitive barbarians

clever but unwise

referred as a barometer

to how far they have progressed

and may future generations

laugh at our pretense, mock our dogma

scorn our hypocrisy, lampoon our culture

marvel at our folly, analyze our psyche

and look upon our legacy

shocked by our cruelty, appalled by our greed

amused by our achievements, amazed at our survival

ashamed of their heritage

and I visualize the day

when I can look back on these times

with ambivalent nostalgia

and drink a toast to our delusions.

And if you order now you'll also receive this adorable child...
 10 Never Before Aired Barney Episodes

10. Hey boys and girls let's smoke crack

9. Your first tattoo and piercing

8. BJ and the beer bong

7. Kicking bully butt

6. Huffing and tagging; fun with aerosols

5. Baby Bop gets spanked and likes it

4. Flashing your backyard gang colors

3. Let's talk about birth control

2. Why mommy gets cranky every month

1. Giant purple dinosaur genitalia

Such innocence gone the way of nickel candy
 C-RAP (IT’S AN S-HIT)

Listen up pilgrim got a tale to tell, it’s all about some crap that is straight outta hell
my life was really thorny and I was getting pretty horny
when I started correspondin’ with a Jezebel
I was courtin’ me a female with some really funny e-mail
‘cause she said she like my humor on the Internet
when she said “come down to Texas” hit me in the solar plexus
I was half insane and on that plane and that is how we met
Took no time to be her lover, we was living with her mother
so you know that pretty soon I had to get a job
I had me one fine babezoid but pretty soon I got annoyed
when it became apparent that we had a prob
see my gal was really stinkin’ with her alcoholic drinkin’
she relapsed before we met when she broke up with Bob
I was walkin’ shaky ground, seems I had her on the ‘bound
and I couldn’t take the way that things were goin’ down
well you love ‘em and you hate ‘em so I gave the ultimatum
toss the sauce or face the loss ‘cause this fool won’t be around
so she quit the shit, cold turkey it, four days of pukin’ as she went
then that was that and no time flat we tied the knot and she got pregnant
granny bought us digs, we was livin’ in the bigs
suddenly a normie spouse with job, a family, yard and house
the American dream, or so it would seem
then things got fucked and out of luck ol’ dumbshit here got reamed
her mom got cancer started dyin’, pretty soon my woman’s cryin’
the demon juice returned it’s curse then things got ugly bad to worse
her mother died while she stayed drunk and that began the downward funk
we moved back to her mama’s home (and I did all the work alone)
actin’ crazy like she got rabies, she could not take care of babies
toxic mom and drunken slob and so I had to quit my job
tried medication, tried to pray, treatment centers and A.A.
but nothing, not pleas, threats or reason would make her break from her own treason
drunken driving, blackout binges, broken promises, nurse syringes
suicide try, incarceration, arrests for public intoxication
I couldn’t leave the ugly scene, must save the children from the queen
I took her keys, she called the cops, they took my side, but the shit never stops
they came so often they finally asked “why don’t you just divorce her ass”?!
and so I did, then took the kids, moved back to home and said “good rid”!
but it was tough, yeah it was bad, living with family as a single dad
I felt irate dealing with the state, ‘cause filling out a million forms just made me really
mad!
I found it hard to get around when all my cars kept breaking down
then you know who, out of the blue, decides to move up to my town
it was a no win situation, ‘cause she had rights to visitation
cont:
but I was feeling flustered, ‘cause I damn well could not trust her
and the cops would never bust her, so like hot dog to the mustard
we all moved in together even though we’d cut the tether
and soon it was like little big horn must have felt to Custer
what a fucking fool was I, for even though the bitch was dry
her selfish damn manipulation of every single situation
made me see that her and me were never gonna fly
I got so pissed off at my ex I even turned her down for sex
so co-parenting became the name we gave our sick and twisted game
I worked part-time getting ready for school, while every day I played her mule
but stress was building for the man, until the shit just hit the fan
we got in a fight and I kicked her chair, but she said I kicked her somewhere
she took the phone to call a cop, I took it away and said “let’s talk”
she ran out the door and called them back, then they came over in search of fact
they called it domestic attack
next thing I know my butt’s in jail, until my sis could post the bail
what a merry Christmas gift, happy new year if you get my drift
no contact order she got next, (as if I wanted to see my ex)
and then she pulled a legal gambit, to steal the kids back like a bandit
temporary custody, she got ‘cause I was too busy
to contest her legal guile, since I was at my other trial
she gets her way , there’s no denial, you gotta say the system’s vile
her evil plan came to fruition, I lost my state aid and tuition
they offered me the devil’s deal, admit to guilt then beg and kneel
I told them all “c’mon, get real”!
no deal as such would I partake, ‘cause in my heart the crime was fake
they tried to abort my day in court
I’d have my say though the chances were short
“guilty until innocent” is how I felt the longer it went
as if the verdict were already made and the trial just a big charade
the prosecutor unleashed his fury upon my person to the jury
and if this weasel had his way, then I was surely going to pay
or go to jail till I was gay
instead as everyone predicted, two criminal counts was I convicted
my ex was there to testify, (in other words to pose and lie)
then next week had the balls to dare and ask my help to pay day care
now I’m lookin’ at court costs, fines, probation and kids lost
DV class and the final nail, they still might send my ass to jail
my ex said she would write a letter, on my behalf - gee I feel better!
doubt this will help in family court, guess who’ll be payin’ child support?
my life now ruined, can it be fair?, all this because I kicked a chair?
to any guys who hear this rap, just stay away from the hormone trap
avoid the bitches, your decision, better lonely than in prison.
LET THEM BE SPINSTERS!!!!!!!!!
My lovely ex Kaye & Aria in happier, more sober times
 WE’RE ALL PRISONERS
(sung to the tune of “Farmer In The Dell”)

Everyone’s in jail, yes everyone’s in jail

we are all prisoners ‘cause everyone’s in jail

We can’t afford the bail, we can’t afford the bail

we are all prisoners we can’t afford the bail

Our lawyers are a joke, our lawyers are a joke

we are all prisoners our lawyers are a joke

So many crimes to break, so many crimes to break

we are all prisoners so many crimes to break

Tax payers pay for it, tax payers pay for it

we are all prisoners tax payers pay for it

So throw away the key, yes throw away the key

we are all prisoners so throw away the key

Someday you’ll be with us, someday you’ll be with us

we are all prisoners someday you’ll be with us

‘Cause everyone’s in jail, yes everyone’s in jail

we are all prisoners ‘cause everyone’s in jail
Whodda thunk I was once a member of the military industrial complex?
 LAWYERLAND

(opening sample: Judge pounding gavel saying “order, order in the court” which turns
into drums and guitar riff)

It’s dangerous to be a male

Unless you have money for lawyer and bail
When speaking your mind is verbal abuse
And kicking a chair can land you in jail.

“Justice” to the highest bidder

Sue me sue you who’s the winner?
Got a grievance who to call
The one who profits from it all.

Can’t plant a seed without permit

Don’t try to serve me with a writ
I’ll only wipe my ass with it
Because our legal system’s shit
And there is no escaping it
In lawyerland.

Litigation, it’s the game

Always someone else to blame
Forget responsibility
Just play the courtroom lottery.

“Respect the law”, instead we fear it

Cruel’s the letter without spirit
First amendment, falling hard
We’re one nation under guard.

The government it wants your face

A mugshot for its database
So they can keep you in your place
I tell you now no man is safe
With laws like these we’ve lost the case
In lawyerland.

You can’t fight it, don’t deny it

Pay retainer, sign disclaimer

Cont:
I ask you now, “who’s without flaw”?
The judge replies “that’s not the law”
“I hold you in contempt of court”
“Why state the obvious”? I retort.

Speeding tickets, parking fines

Federal quotas, bottom line
Generating revenue
Another tax for me and you
(And I object!)

More laws to break more criminals you make

New inquisition, same mistake
“Land of the free” yet we lock up more
Than the Nazis or the Commies before.
Be scared of a gun in the hand of a fool
But beware of the graduate of law school
Once it was gangsters, now isn’t it funny
Today we pay lawyers, protection money
Blind’s Mcjustice, blind, deaf and dumb
It’s all about process, just leaves me numb
So just take a number and enter your plea
Over a billion served and found - guilty!

(solo)

Protection orders a paper chain

Don’t stop the desperate or insane
To solve domestic aggravation
Just outlaw cohabitation.

Anger management, victim boards

Treatment centers for the hordes
Three piece suits and legal jargon
All in all the devil’s bargain.

Now it’s time to end this rant

Addressed to those who say you can’t
Who make the laws while getting fat
The shyster and the bureaucrat
Go reap the harvest that you plant
In lawyerland.

(riff fadeout with spoken legalese)

Allegorical painting I made after my experience with the American legal system
 DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASS
(or “rhymes with witch”)

So you’re a teacher, ain’t that swell

within your grasp the keys to Hell
and to your captive audience
the pearls of dogma you dispense

for all us here against our will

no choice but take your poison pill
inside these torture chamber walls
you squeeze men tightly by the balls

watch them squirm, make them kneel

use your power/control wheel
revel in our impotence
invoking with smug arrogance

Orwellian indoctrination
(or as you call it “education”)
never will admit defect
your every word politically correct

and yet we must confess our error

or be subject to the terror
sentenced to your purgatory
delayed graduation glory

so like parrots we recite

and time-out sheets each week re-write
“empathy” is our acquittal
you display so very little

feel your spite, yet what’s it show

but no man’s love you’ll ever know
profess infallibility
you’re like the Pope, but I can see
behind that brittle, cold facade
a little girl playing God

you’re not worthy of my hate

for my contempt is all you rate.
Excuse me, can you direct me to the local Rotary Club?...
 RIFFIN’ ON RODNEY

I’m a loser, Rodney Dangerfield never respected me

When I was born my mother asked for a refund

I cause nymphomaniacs to get headaches

Even my hand just wants to be friends

I once slept with somebody who had AIDS, but the virus rejected me

When I pray I get God’s answering machine

My wife married me only because I can reach tall shelves

My children call me “Dud”

School was tough. I flunked Kindergarten but with hard work I eventually got a D in recess

My dreams have commercials

I get roughed up by nuns

Tried to get on the Jerry Springer show but they said “even we have standards”

Was voted in school “Most Likely To Get Hit By A Bus”

I’m refused service by vending machines

My shrink told me “perhaps life isn’t for everyone”

People ignore me behind my back

Rumors of my life are greatly exaggerated

I joined the Air Force and rose to the rank of “Airman No Class”

My resume has no references

Black cats avoid me

Back in the 70’s I had a Pet Rock, but it ran away

I tried cultivating weeds but they died

Telemarketers hang up on me

Women consider me utterly resistible

“Apathy Now !” is my motto. I’m a political inertiavist

My DNA is only a single helix

When I went to church the preacher told the congregation to repent or spend eternity with me

Tried to sell my soul to the devil, but he said “Hell’s already bad enough”

Once had a near life experience

Companies pay me to not use their products

I’ve received a lifetime under achievement award

I have such a non life the IRS said I couldn’t even claim myself

The census said I didn’t count

I eat lots of humble pie, but I only get crust

The cockroaches in my house have a superiority complex. They tried to have me exterminated

In Sunday School my favorite hymn was Amazing Disgrace

I fly the astral plane - coach

Went to the greyhound races. I lost betting on the rabbit

In the cartoons a depressed person has a little rain cloud over their head. Mine is El Nino

I received a curse with a lifetime warranty

My astrological sign is Scorpio with black hole rising

My horoscope said “you should never have been born”

Went to cinemaplex, got a rain check

At retail stores I have to show ID when I pay cash

My computer sends me flames

When I ran away from home as a kid my folks would change the locks

My family crest is a lemming

I told my wife I loved her. She threatened libel

At social gatherings my wife refers to me as her retarded brother

The government tried to have me sterilized because I was classified a threat to the gene pool

I got kidnapped while vacationing in Mexico. My family demanded the kidnappers pay ransom or else
keep me

Won an all expense paid vacation to Siberia

Dr Kevorkian sends me brochures

Happiness is overrated

I’ve paid so many dues I have blue chip credit

My tombstone will read a “A Waste of perfectly good dirt”

Growing up my role model was Wile E. Coyote

I dream of someday having my own gutter

I wear a doomsday wristwatch

On my birthday I receive condolence cards

My lucky number is a fraction

I collect two leaf clovers

My life sucks; my wife doesn’t

Strangers are always giving me their spare change without me asking

I aspire to mediocrity

Sometimes I feel melancholy, but this feeling of ecstasy soon passes

As a kid my sister got a stuffed Winnie The Pooh; I got Eeyore

I have bum trips without drugs

I never enjoyed getting stoned, those rocks hurt!

I belong to A.A.: Angst Anonymous

I eat so much crow I have to floss feathers out of my teeth

The Government declared my life a national disaster

Every couple has their song; ours was a dirge

At Christmas my stocking always had a reindeer turd

I joined the Boy Scouts; they taught me how to tie a noose

To me everyday is Monday

The mind is a terrible thing

My favorite holiday is unconsciousness

Existentialists find me depressing

I believe life is a game: Russian Roulette

If I were an NBA team I’d be the Clippers without the lottery picks
Pygmies dunk in my face

I’ve mastered the art of failure

Bums refuse my money

I’m chronically unfashionable; I’m the poster boy for the terminally un-hip

My sexual fantasies are impotent

Even my fingerprints are generic

When I eat Chinese I get misfortune cookies. They say things like “have you checked your insurance
lately”?

I went to Vegas and lost all my money in the change machines

I view death as a career move

There are dog people, and cat people; I’m a fungus person

Life is like food, no matter what it is it all comes out the same

I’m hope challenged

Machines mock me

I have a toxic waste dump named in my honor

Terrorists threaten to clone me

I have day mares

The highlight of my vacation was an ulcer

Norman Vincent Peale never met me

When you have babies you nap when you can
VAINLY PURSUING ELUSIVE EQUILIBRIUM WHILE EXISTING IN A STATE OF
PERPETUAL AMBIVILENCE

Call me Steve or call me lazy

I’ve been called much worse
I’m ecstatic, I’m despondent
forward and reverse

I’ve dreamed about the future

and grieved about the past
either way I’ve changed my mind
and neither for the last.

My gears are stuck in neutral

short for neutralized
riding waves of perpetual emotion
planned and re revised

I’m never where I want to be

but don’t know where to go
I only know two sets of speed
very fast and very slow.

Some days I feel in such a groove

and some days out of sync
some days I’m really in the zone
and some days just plain stink!

I go the wrong direction

although I know the way
I’ve learned my lines to sure perfection
but don’t know what to say

I set my mind to something

then do the opposite
sometimes chase majestic dreams
and other times just quit.

A house divided cannot stand

I know it very well
still I wonder is my house
a haven or a shell?
I’ll check behind, each door I find
to confirm what’s on my mind
I always feel unsatisfied I never am content
so if I can’t be rectified I’ll be ambivalent.
Giddy up daddy, don't make me use my spurs...
 10 REASONS TO BUY THIS BOOK

10. User friendly ergonomic design

9. Will impress dyslexic friends
8. Guaranteed to bring wealth, health & happiness to all who read it
7. Oprah hasn't recommended it
6. Uses many words not commonly found in dictionaries
5. Does virtually no harm to the ozone layer
4. Not manufactured in China
3. Gives people the impression that you're literate
2. It will be much better than the movie
1. Does not pertain to wizardry in any way

My sentiments precisely
Thanksgiving '05
April 23, 2007 - Monday

Guess what - another survey!

Kissed someone on your top friends? When they weren't looking

Been arrested? yes

Kissed someone you didn't like? It's just what they deserved!

Do You like someone romantically? perpetually

Held a snake? yup, but we're just good friends

Been suspended from school? once for shooting a fire extinguished at a janitor

Been fired from a job? multiple times

Sang karaoke? Once, but only in front of two people (Song was "I Should Have Known Better" by
the Beatles)

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? So often I no longer presume the future

Laughed until you started crying? Yeah, but I've never cried until I laughed

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes. He put up a good fight but I prevailed

Kissed in the rain? Felt someone up in the rain

Sang in the shower? Despite all warnings & threats

Sat on a roof top? Of course, and the walls too

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? My entire wardrobe?

Broken a bone? Yes both wrists simultaneously playing basketball

Shaved your head? The Air Farce did

Had/have a gym membership? Oh yeah

Shot a gun? But not without a trial first

Had your heart broken? Yes so I had it replaced with a newer, stronger titanium model

Broken someone's heart? I'd like to think so

last person you texted? don't text - only normal email

You were in a car with? My chauffeur Bubba

Went to the movies with? My daughters

Went to the mall with? no mall here in podunk burg

You talked to on the phone? Someone breathing heavily

Made you laugh? My life

You cried with? The aliens who abducted and forced me to watch soap operas

Go on a date or go out with your friends? depends who

Be serious or be funny? Hmmm... Let me think...

Drink whole or skim milk? 2% (but the cow gave it all)

Die in a fire or get shot? Tickled to death by cheerleaders

Sun or moon? Soon

Winter or Fall? Wall

Left or right? Light

Sunny or rainy? Runny

Where do you live? In an alternate dimension

Do you want to get married? I hardly know you!

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Fling it

Do You Cook? At gunpoint

Current mood? Very silly & suicidal

In The Last 48 Hours Have You slept? If I hadn't would I be answering this?

In The Last 48 Hours Have You Been Hugged? Yes but I forgive them

In The Last 48 Hours Have You Cried? not that I've noticed

In The Last 48 Hours Have You Had Sex? Real or imaginary?

Lawn flamingo, icon of American culture
 DUALITY BANJOS
(or “dichotomy, dichotom you”)
Good & evil, right or wrong
God & Devil, weak or strong
up & down, left or right
over, under, dark or light
hard & soft, day or night
particles, waves, loose & tight
dry or wet, hot & cold
male, female, young & old
beauty, ugly, short or tall
fat & skinny, big or small
birth & death, rich or poor
joy & sorrow, peace or war
hawk or dove, bear & bull
cats & dogs, push or pull
wisdom, folly, dumb or smart
linear, holistic, brain & heart
church & state, straight or queer
fact & fiction, faith or fear
all or nothing, black or white
offense, defense, ball or strike
land or sea, East & West
North & South, worse or best
sun & moon, near or far
space & time, Earth & stars
loss or gain, major, minor
dull or sharp, discourage, inspire
teacher, pupil, intelligence, ignorance
chaos, order, omnipotence, impotence
crucify, deify, damnation, salvation
revere & vilify, bondage, liberation
dogmatic, pragmatic, cop & criminal
capitalist, communist, reactionary, radical
poetry, prose, terrestrial, celestial
profit or debt, wonderful, terrible
Summer & Winter, severe or mild
spirit & matter, domesticated, wild
bravery, cowardice, living & dying
sincere or deceiving, honesty, lying
silence & eloquence, genius, insanity
speculative, concrete, fantasy, reality
master or servant, power & submission
penalty, reward, denial & admission
relative, absolute, doubt & conviction
honor & disgrace, acceptance, rejection
jaded or awed, enraptured, enraged
discipline, sloth, inactive, engaged
introvert, extrovert, left brain or right
liberal, conservative, heavy & light
reaping & sowing, Heaven & Hell
creating, destroying, buy or sell
destiny, chance, idea, realization
profit & debt, drive, resignation
mourn or celebrate, circulate, hibernate
tasteful or tacky, exaggerate, understate
passion & cool, anger & sympathy
famine or feast, ambition or apathy
progress, tradition, virtue & vice
sexist or chivalrous, naughty & nice
for or against, oblivion, nirvana
asleep or awake, paranoia, Pollyanna
prosaic & exotic, cosmopolitan, provincial
innocuous, toxic, agrarian, industrial
pride & humility, paradise & pollution
harmony, discord, creation, evolution
sacred & profane, pretentious or ingenuous
criticism, praise, impressionable, impervious
presence or absence, dirty & clean
demons & angels, gentle or mean
publicity, secrecy, advance, obsolete
puberty, menopause, finished, incomplete
guilty or innocent, mediation, litigation
ideal & antithesis, logic, imagination
renaissance, inquisition, concur or dissent
leader or follower, patriot, dissident
barbaric or civilized, eating & drinking
primitive, sophisticated, action or thinking
decline & ascendance, happy or sad
corruption, transcendence, good & bad
questions & answers, pictures or text
problems, solutions, simple, complex
permanent, temporary, volatile & stable
champion & challenger, partisan or neutral
rhythm & melody, silence or sound
classic, contemporary, lost & found
sadism, masochism, virgin & whore
alienate, communicate, hostility, rapport
synthesize, segregate, expand or contract
consolidate, diversify, retreat or attack
vengeance or mercy, greedy & generous
stoic, excited, sacrifice, selfishness
platonic, romantic, smooth & rough
callous, or sensitive, fragile & tough
karma & luck, succumb, persevere
course & refined, return, disappear
historical, mythical, trivial & great
rude or polite, conform, deviate
save or delete, empower & neutralize
hired or fired, memorize, improvise
nightmare or dream, body & soul
success or failure, empty & full
credit or blame, defeat & victory
expert or amateur, prejudice, empathy
hunter & prey, physical, cerebral
function & form, solid or malleable
secure or vulnerable, depression, ecstasy
cyclical, static, fame & obscurity
objective, subjective, imperical, alchemical
magnetic, repellent, irresistible, immovable
sickness & health, bitter or sweet
carnivore, herbivore, vegetable, meat
synergistic, parasitic, state & federal
microcosm, macrocosm, local, international
maximum, minimum, shallow or deep
sensible & whimsical, expensive or cheap
masculine, feminine, thinking & feeling
sensation, intuition, hurting & healing
passive, aggressive, sanguine or cynical
positive, negative, natural or clinical
vertical, horizontal, mundane or magical
madness, charisma, instinctive & logical
modern, archaic, rigid & flexible
generic, unique, divine, diabolical
prophesy, fallacy, future & past
pleasing or painful, sensual, chaste
losers & winners, slowly or fast
saints or sinners, first shall be last
sobriety, drunkenness, fuzzy or clear
heroic & villainous, psycho or seer
reveal or conceal, impossible, miracle
married or single, worthless & valuable
king or queen, tranquility, strife
blessings or curses, husband & wife
high or low, singular, polarity
alpha, omega, overture & finale
country or city, mountain & valley
gather & scatter, sunny or cloudy
dangerous or safe, cause & effect
efficiency, waste, error & correct
satisfy or disappoint, work & play
digital & analog, chic or passe
straight & curved, proceed or abort
vision & hindsight, long or short
heads or tails, give & take
friend or foe, real & fake
yes or no, do & don’t
laugh & cry, will or won’t
in or out, here & there
on or off, circle, square
slave & free, choice or fate
cruel or kind, love & hate
pro & con, false or true
ying or yang, me & you.

Thank you sir, but I really don't deserve a Purple Heart for a paper cut...
 NOT A SONG ABOUT ANYTHING

This is not a song about Rock N’ Roll

Parties, cars or sex
This song is not about anything
at least what one expects

This is not a song about getting high

Or hanging out at the scene
It’s not a song about fortune, fame
Or the cover of a magazine

This song is not a song, this song is not a song

This song is not about anything
This song is not a song, but please don’t get me wrong
This song is not about anything

This is not a song about teenage angst

God or politics
It is not about guitar technique
Or playing really fast licks

This song is not about feeling blue

Or falling deeply in love
In fact it’s not about anything new
Nothing I can think of

Chorus:

Verse, chorus, verse, chorus - time for the bridge

I hope you like it yes I do
I’ve worked out the chords - copy written to boot
In another minute I’ll be through

This is not a song about dancing - no

Or being a sharp dressed man
It’s truly not about anything
At least according to plan

This song is not a song that goes on long

Just a verse and chorus to go
I thank you much for listening
It wasn’t easy I know

Chorus: - fade
Nose to nose
 FAKE

In the world of today seems like nothing is real

Things are not as they appear to be
Imitation, artificial, lots of special effects
All we see is what they want us to see
Now they say that you can never judge a book by it’s cover
And that frosting only covers the cake
Yet there’s women spending billions on cosmetics and fashion
In pursuit of a beauty that’s fake

The perfect disguise, to turn on the guys

She’s got fake breasts, fake hair

Fake nails and smile to wear
She’s got a fake nose, fake eyes
Fake orgasms and fake cries
Na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na (repeat)

She will do what it takes for an hour-glass figure

Got a trainer help to work on her bod
Celebrity workouts and new diet each week
So that she can have a firmer facade
Now she knows how to mix and match accessories
She is always dressed in fashion nouveau
Cause she wants Mr. Right, so those buns must be tight
If she wants to snag a rich, handsome beau

‘cause she’s got appeal, though none of her’s real

Chorus:

A skin deep illusion, she’s the male ideal

But it’s only a cosmetic mirage
Striving to be goddess of fantasy
A chameleon in her tight camouflage
Flawless and soul less as a store mannequin
She is nice to look at I must agree
But her mind is shallow as an unmarked grave
Look behind the mask there’s little to see

only good for the bed, cause nothing is in her head

Chorus:
Life is so easy when you got the genetics of a perfect ten
Get what you want just put on those high heels and put out for men
Don’t have to learn how to think or cook or even type real good
Just take your card and go shopping at Frederick’s of Hollywood
(does this make me look fat?...)

Solo:

Learned all the tricks to attaining her whims

She’s accustomed to her will and her way
Many try their luck but her favor’s not cheap
If you want her brother you gotta pay
So don’t be misled by her glossy veneer
She’s as phony as a four dollar bill
But remember just the same, if you can’t pay her price
Know for certain that somebody else will

‘cause she’s got appeal, though none of her’s real

Chorus:

Fadeout (spoken): Glamourpolitan: Ten tips for marrying a millionaire/firmer buns while
sitting in traffic/are you dating a sociopath?/happiness through plastic surgery/balancing a
career and menage a trois/what men really want and how to avoid giving it to them/E-Z
stoplight makeovers/hydraulic implants - are they really for you?/how to dress sexy
without getting hit on by scumbags/what you need to know about restraining orders/his
mother - how to appease the bitch/diets of mutant super models/meaningful relationships
and how to fake them...

Steven Moss
Mmmm unicorn tears, and an excellent vintage I might add...

You'd sit in an irrigation ditch too if it was 110

 WHERE THE BIRDS GO TO DIE

The song of a bird on a warm summer day

can gladden the heart when we hear it
but there comes a time when it ceases to sing
relinquish it’s song to the spirit
I wonder sometimes to myself late at night
just where they go to on that final flight
a magical place where a bird can fly free
somewhere between here and eternity

Girl let’s take wing and away we will fly

off to the place where the birds go to die
we’ll travel so far, go soaring so high
I’ll take you there where the birds go to die
I’ll take you there where the birds go to die

The eagle and hawk are lords of the sky

swooping down fast on their prey
building their nests and raising their young
then suddenly vanish away
wish I could talk to these proud, noble birds
if only to ask with a few simple words
eagle and hawk now your hunting is through
when you depart will you take me with you?

chorus

It sounds kind of sad but each heart here is glad

in this heavenly aviary
so babe take my hand and we’ll walk through the sand
just close your eyes and you’ll see

The sparrow’s among the most humble of birds

yet God counts each feather that falls
oh to be there in that rarefied air
when he flies through the heavenly halls
the skies of this world are all choked with debris
filled with the hubris of humanity
so let’s take a cue from our fine feathered friends
and go to a place where the sky never ends

chorus
Oh yeah it's worth it
 ZAP! BAM! POW! HUH? ..

I think - therefore I concoct warped communiques such as this. Writer, poet, artist, musician
(ha! ha!) anarchist, saint, philosopher, fool. Fresh Seattle import looking to interact with like-
minded bi-peds & kindred spirits of compatible ilk ( ah, the power of redundancy)! Eclectic
by nature~ musically loves everything from Abba to Zappa, Rock, Pop, R&B, Blues, Jazz,
Armenian folk music & sundry jingles. Special faves & raves include the Fab Four, Zep, U2,
REM, Jimi, Nirvana, Cream, Purple, Floyd, Doors, Police, Who, Stones, Stevie Ray, Rasta
Bob, & The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Pathological interest in a multitude of shit: Sports, politics, religion, metaphysics,

quantum mechanics & Monty Python. Trek, Dwarf, Xanth, Wilde, Psychology, psychiatry &
psychosis. History, fantasy, relativity & altered states, Time travel, future shock, parallel
universes, & multi-media-mondo-mojo. I enjoy a warm pipe, some cool juice & peripatetic
cogitation in a Northwesterly direction. So come all ye mutants, stand and be counted! Let us
engage in compadre-like discourse, establish an alternative empire, undermine the dominant
paradigm or maybe just jam. Hey the worst that could happen is you get struck by lightning
and die a slow, hideous death ....
Pulitzer Prize winning humorist Dave Barry & I doing the lefty handshake
Davedelic!

Davedelic!

Davedelic!

Davedelic!

Davedelic!
 SHAMAN

The shaman is chosen for the gifts of power

led by the teacher and benefactor
to the way of the warrior
leading an impeccable life
and walking the paths of knowledge
in the place of personal power
learning the art of seeing, and not doing
silencing the internal dialogue, stopping the world
and acting without believing
using the will, losing-self importance
finding joy without wanting
and without expecting rewards
assuming responsibility
knowing ones allies will help to understand
that time is now - our life but a moment
and the world is just a view
with death as our advisor
we fly on the wings of perception
balancing the tonal and the nagual
and overcoming a worthy opponent
by means of personal power
walking the right way to our place of predilection
discovering that true awareness brings humility
and permanent change
seeking the sorcerer’s explanation
to burst the bubble of perception
experiencing the unspeakable
split in two
a world composed of glowing fibers
life force of the Earth
discovering we are luminous beings
spirit bound with matter
a cluster of disparate feelings
bonded uniquely together
in a transitory vessel
knowing without thinking
finally arriving
at the totality of oneself.
 Oh wo wo, sweet child o' mine....

May 4, 2007 - Friday

Mary Poppins Survey

If you were Mary, would you pop pins?

Are they addictive?

If you were god for a day what world issue would you like to solve first?
Fix Donald Trump's hair

If you had to choose between a colonoscopy or 12 bee stings what would you choose?
Are they cute bees?

If you could have sex w/ anyone in the world just once(you can only choose one) who would it
be?
Someone not named Rosie O'Donnell

If you had to loose either an arm or a leg which would you choose and why?
Definitely the leg, then I could still play guitar
What super hero do you relate to the most and why?
Wonder Woman, because Lynda Carter is a babe. Too bad her airplane was transparent and not
her costume...

If you were Brittany spears would you have married Kevin Federline?
Even if I was blonde I think I would make better a decision

Oatmeal or grits?
Oatmeal with hummingbird eggs

Chitlins or Caviar?
Caviar, it's disgusting but more prestigious

Peach Cobbler or Ice cream?

Peach Cobbler WITH ice cream

Okay I'm hungry, r u?

Yeah, for some reason I have a craving for Peach Cobbler with caviar on top

Favorite TV show of all time?

Red Dwarf

If you had to choose between a man w/baby's mama drama or a man who didn't have a job what
would you choose?(if your a man do you have either of these problems?)
A millionaire without a job

If someone offered you $100 to delete your my space page forever would you?
I've invested way more that that into it in time alone

Whose funnier-Martin Lawrence or Will Farrell?

Jim Carrey

Whose Hotter-Sponge bob square pants or George Bush?

Well Bush is usually in hotter water
Bubble baby
 PARASITES

How much money will they pay

for a picture expose?
Scum can make a lot of cash
selling shots to tabloid trash.
Rumors, lies & innuendo
the weekly’s need a fuzzy photo.
Fodder for the bored housewives
to fill their mundane, empty lives.

Take another shot of me

capture for posterity
new sensational infamy
available at your grocery

See the vulture paparazzi

on celebrity safari
Pay is good, the work is easy
if you got a nose for sleazy.
can even be a full-time job
feed the voyeuristic mob.
Courtesy, civility
have gone the way of privacy.
Congratulations! This is fame
you’ve become public domain.
Chorus:

You’ve worked hard, and struggled long

to reach the highest pinnacle
today they cheer, but tomorrow they
will knock you off your pedestal

Flashbulb wielding media

a feeding frenzy mania
However fast their victims flee
one can’t escape celebrity.
The jackals chase beleaguered prey
and no where’s safe to hide away.
Curse them, punch them, what a drag
get sued, and still end up in rag.
So if you should become a face
expect them camped outside your place
prepared to violate your space.
And it wont stop, let’s not deny it
as long as there’s someone to buy it. (Chorus - Fade)
One surreal day in the Summer
 I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE CONSISTANT

I’m intelligent but crazy

ambitious and lazy
I’m a saint and a rebel
a dreamer so cynical
I’m a giver and a stealer
a hurter and a healer
I’m a lover and a fighter
a dissenter and uniter
I never claimed to be consistent

I’m a skeptic and believer

both deluded and deceiver
I’m a father and a loner
an ascetic and a stoner
I am humorous but serious
lucid or delirious
ambivalence is my middle name

I’m indifferent and impassioned

progressive and old fashioned
I’m a loser and a winner
a professional and beginner
I’m ingenuous and pedantic
an iconoclast and fanatic
I never claimed to be consistent
Refining my loitering technique

Classic Kaye
 SUCK

You call me on the telephone

I hate your whine annoying tone
And now you wont repay my loan
Which only proves what I have known
You suck!

You say what people want to hear

But follow through is nowhere near
Your words ring hollow to my ear
So listen just this once my dear
You suck!

I find your preaching rather odd

You love to talk of faith in God
But when in church you snore and nod
I see behind your vain facade
You suck!

Serve yourself your only creed

You twist things ‘round to suit your need
Denying fault is how you plead
But in the end you wont succeed
You suck!

How many friends do you retain?

You use their trust for your own gain
Then disillusion them with pain
You’re not stupid or insane
You suck!

You play the victim oh so well

To countless fools like me who fell
For all the shit you love to tell
So kiss my ass and go to hell
You suck!

Up till now you’ve had your way

But trust me there shall come a day
When even you will have to pay
For now I’ve but one thing to say
You suck!
 More classic Kaye

10 REASONS AMERICA HATED BY THE REST OF THE WORLD

10. Refusal to adopt the metric system

9. American currency only comes in one color
8. Human rights fetish & condescending diplomacy
9. American movies lack existential poignancy
8. Trying to make world safe for democracy via superior firepower
7. Failure to understand the genius of Jerry Lewis
6. Too religious for some, too secular for others
5. Cultural imperialism: McDonald's, Star bucks, Wal-Mart & other U.S. corporations
reduce unique foreign cultures to plastic strip mall uniformity
4. Always reminding everyone about World War II
3. Obnoxious tourists
2. Lacks appreciation for the subtle nuances of soccer
1. American beer is laughable
 Rhema and a couple of asses

April 27, 2007 - Friday

They haven't made a survey yet that can contain me!

Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered.

1. Describe your ex in one word?

Aggravating

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?

no, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

3. Did you know that May 16th is National Piercing Day?

And what authority ordained that?

4. What does the 4th text in your in box say?

"Save the fruit fly"!

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?

my 360 reverse slam dunk in yo face!

6. What color are your bedroom curtains?

dust

7. What color are the seats in your car?

grime
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
yes, and it's name was "Clue"

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?

A bowling ball

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?

should I?

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
Because I didn't have any cash on me

12. Who was the last baby you held?

Baby or babe?

13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?

The Bill of Lefts state quite clearly that I am not required by any federal authority to know twins.
And I know nothing about that Llama either...

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?

Better than radish

15. What kind of Car were you driving 2 years ago?

The same car as I'm driving now, or at least until it totally gives up the ghost.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?

Nuke 'em both

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?

4th of July, 2004, San Antonio, TX

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?

Just drawings we taped up

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?

My spine

20. Last person to give you a business card?

some guy named Bill Gates

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?

My utility co-op.

22. Closest framed picture to you?

The picture is innocent, it was the butler!...

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?

Well my daughter made me a hot dog yesterday

24. What did they cook for you?

steamed canines
25. How many emails do you have?
countless, but I'm caught up

26. Last time you received flowers?

Never. Nobody loves me, wa!!!!.....

27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
A man, several women & assorted farm animals

28. Do you play air guitar?

I'm a virtuoso

29. Name the people who like to show you their "naughty" piercings?
That would be violating a confidence

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?

PCP

31. Do you have any willow tree figurines?

I have no idea how those got there

32. What was your high school's rival mascot??

I went to too many High Schools to remember

33. Last person you spoke to from high school??

The ghost of study halls past

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?

I don't. Bacteria needs love too.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?

Only if I channel the spirit of Buddy Rich

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?

Who the fuck cares?!...

37. Would you let gay Mickey PIMP you out on eSellOut.com?
I wouldn't let someone named gay Mickey cut my lawn

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?

Changes, although I usually like to end with the comics after reading all the nasty stuff humans do
to each other

39. What was the last pageant you attended?

Life's rich pageant

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?

Guido's Pizza Emporium & Loan Sharking

41. Have you ever worn a crown?

My secret ambition is to be the Queen of a small duchy
42. What is the last thing you stapled?
wow, now that's an insightful question

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?

Only semi-translucent

44. Are you ticklish?

Enough to know better

45. Last time you saw fireworks?

4th of July and that Saturday night I spent with some nymphomaniac

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually responded? A highly evolved
race that lives in Alpha Centauri keeps sending me medium frequency brain waves about time
share condos on their moon...

48. Last time you parked under a carport?

who wants to know?

49. Do you have a black dog?

No, but it's a rockin' Zep song

50. Do you have pickles in your fridge?

You can't prove anything!

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?

All the time

52. Who has the nicest eyes that you know?

Whenever necessary put people on hold

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?

Oh yeah

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?

Not to his face

55. Do you have a "notice me" part on your body?

Do you mean this neon arrow?
Verily my banana, I knew thee well...
 VERILY MY BANANA

c2005 Steve Lineberger AKA Venus Mergatroyd

(CLOSE CAPTIONED FOR THE INTELECTUALLY IMPAIRED)

“I am surrounded by white lies, I am surrounded by white lies, I am...”

Hick 1: “whad’ya make of that there sight, eh Orville?”

Hick 2: “I dunno Clem, but I reckon it’s from another planet...”

Greetings and saliva! What a lovely day for undermining Western Civilization!
But let’s be Incongruent - if you’ve seen one universe, you’ve seen ‘em all.
Gargoyle mucus.
I’m an exchange student from another dimension. I have a PhD., DNA, IOU and LSD.
Inrageous. Another humbling experience.
Take the best, ignore the rest and never let them see you grieve.
Arg, ungowa and then some.
My brain seethes with critical mass. So many realities, so little time.
I love lucidity. On the threshold of finding my niche.
Working the paradigm shift. Mutation is beautiful.
So cruise on over to the salad bar... Try the ranch style dressing.
Space Boogie Opus 23.
All I ever wanted was to be a cultural icon; have a few beers, a few laughs -
establish an aesthetic empire and pray I suffer not a significant loss of viscosity.
Everyone’s entitled a delusion.
Equal lefts. Know the truth and the truth will piss you off.
Death by perfectionism. I’d hate to die a mass of unfulfilled particles.
An ounce of encouragement for a pound of advice.
Vitriol distilled from experience.
I’m confident in my incompetence, eclectic in my ignorance.
No idols, only influences.
Earth, fire, water, air, mono sodium glutamate.
Are there subversive elements in your breakfast?
What can I say that’s still legal? Talk is cheap, except in libel.
You can’t put intangibles on an application form, so don’t even try lest you be vain.
Anti-social club. Peace on Earth. Goodwill to all men, women and colas.
Normal doesn’t work for me.
Your papa’s a pansy, yo mama’s a pansy, your brother’s a pansy, your uncle’s a pansy, your dog’s a pansy,
your gorilla’s a pansy.
Delectable wench. You inspire ravenous visions in my frontal cortex
I wish to dispel these vicious truths about my libido.
Verily my banana.
Many women dream to marry, each at heart a mercenary.
Woman: ah, yes, my favorite flavor; they turn me on, they piss me off - mess with my metabolism. Sweet
young lotus blossom (genus foxus maximus): I cherish the slobber from your lips, your kinky
nomenclature - and I love it when you talk relationship to me! It warms my heart...and other organs. Uh-
oh, receiving strong neurological impulses!... Baby, pass the glockenspiel?! Pillow diplomacy. I’m
looking for a woman who can defy entropy, but alas they love me only for my mind. Had a woman once -
dumped me for a computer
.
BREAK: (riff motif)

Give a damn! No thanks, I gave at the office.

Reality may be hazardous to your health.
Whining & denying. Death doth make a marketable commodity.
I saw the dark.
In a politically correct society we are free to say anything but our opinion. Tyranny fears jokes more than
guns.
Mauve supremacist. Garcon! Garcon! There’s a giraffe in my soup!
Marriage: The certified form of prostitution. Help prevent domestic violence - stay single! Nuclear family
meltdown. God bless this dysfunctional home. Have you hugged your minivan? Yuppie love: From
matrimony to alimony. Love, honor and pre-nuptial ‘til irreconcilable differences do you part.
So little time, so much to loathe.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame somebody else.
Selective memory covers a multitude of sins.
If you can’t be good, be moral.
Society’s not bad, just misunderstood. After all, we live in the best of all possible hells.
Therefore take nothing for granted lest they boil you in oil and eat your cookies.
Isn’t love bland?
The three branches of government: Executive, judicial and special interests.
How to make fiends and influence peons.
A grave disservice to your species.
May you consume something not at all wholesome!
Atom and Evil. The Most Holy Infallible Church of Science.
Don’t worry, it’s only progress.
In between polarities are often found the verities.
Do blind men dream?
Pills for headaches but none for heartaches.
Who needs drugs when you’re naturally psychotic?
A voyeur to my own life. Lost what I never had.
When I see, graffiti, think of dogs, pissing on a tree.
Trendscendence. The malls are alive with the sound of car alarms...
Jesus wept, Nero played, Americans shop. What would Zippy do?
Vainly pursuing conflicting aspirations while existing in a state of perpetual ambivalence. Thank God for
Prozac!
Earth: A good place to conduct scientific experiments, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Know thy gonads.
Convicted in court isn’t the same as convicted in heart. Your empathy or your life!
All's forgivable when everybody's fallible. When everything’s a crime then everyone’s a criminal.
I’m guilty, of poverty, gotta have cash, in the land of the “free”.
Twelfth grade indoctrination, you taught me everything I ever ignored. Illness is luxury, freedom a myth,
justice will prevail for those who can afford it. But at least you have cable.
I’m not disturbed by situations so much as by their implications.
Vacuum cleaners suck!
A song in the heart is worth two on MTV.
Heavy mental. If you’re not yourself, then you’re nobody at all.
Better a mutt on the street than a pedigree on a leash.
More leaders, less lawyers. Government controls everything but itself.
Uncitizen of uncivilization. Dark days for the planetary zeitgeist. Virulent software in the tribal matrix.
Collective unconscious. Sure I’m American, but don’t hold it against me. Hate the hive, not the
bees. Posturing patriots, consult thy history: A nation founded through revolt by a bunch of
radicals. Star Spangled Bummer. Don’t worry, be brainwashed. I pledge a grievance, to a piece
of cloth. Scorn at your abomiNation. Placebo junkies. Psyched like Pavlov’s kennel, salivating
to their idol. Play it again Uncle Sam - Nationalism’s Greatest Hits. A chorus of lemmings
whistling in the dark. Ideology: The most dangerous drug. Blinded by the hype. When does
consensus become reality? For people will always choose a comforting lie over a disturbing truth.
Mess media, redundant as the radio. So much to unlearn.

BREAK (riff motif)

Ripe for rebellion.
It is inevitable that those who deem human sacrifice as necessary always designate somebody else as the
offering.
Another day another controversy.
Hell is an equal opportunity employer. Hell hath no fury like a women’s lawyer.
Better to be buried up to your neck in an anthill covered in kimshee and forced to watch infomercials,
televangelists, PBS fund drives and a Gilligan’s Island marathon than to be politically correct.
P.C.: McCarthyism for the new millennium. Trojan horse for totalitarian dominion.
Everything offends somebody. Yet there are many things more obscene than a naked human. (well, most
humans anyway)
Today’s slang, tomorrow’s cliche. Trendiness is it’s own punishment.
Psychedelic Mongolian clambake. Right wing transvestites doing the Watusi in hyperspace. Vivid
epiphany, Einstein on acid, square root of dude
This continuum ain’t big enough for the both of us! Had a near life experience.
What vicarious pleasure we derive from the misfortune of others.
Always nauseous, never sick. It’s not easy being me.
I am the anti-hip. Alien to cool. Antithesis of smooth. I make the worst decisions with the best intentions.
How to succeed in spite of yourself. Embrace your inner fool.
A thousand howdies! What do for you can I? Bask in my charisma.
It is better to have lived and loved than to be beaten with a blunt object.
Ladies Home Cabala. Bless this oh Lord, my daily ration of shit. I want all that nothing has to offer.
.Consider the immortal greats who got their start in fast food.
It was a dark and smoky bar. Looks like talent night in the tar pits.
You can count the virtuous on the toes of a snake.
The Aesthetic Empire Quantum Dimensional Road Show (coming to a reality near you)
I'm my best friend, worst critic. Knee deep in skulduggery. Tradition: The enemy of innovation. I'm an
artist - we do things differently. An artist never stops being an artist.
For nothing was ever achieved by the easily contented. Still water stagnates.
You’re real progressive man, exhibiting acute signs of moral acumen. May your daddy’s balls ache with
pride!
High on stress. Bliss and blues. From agony to ecstasy, no in-between when you’re extreme.
Rock with impunity!
If wishes were horses we’d still prefer Porches.
Archetypes R' Us. Catharsis for fun and profit.
Chaos, calamity, and ruin; light showers with partial clearing, high in the 60’s.
Guns don’t kill - it’s the bullets. Our technology for healing is exceeded only by our technology for killing.
Career martyr. Better death as an artist than life as a laborer.
I don't do mornings. Just looking for a reason to get up everyday.
Babies cry before they laugh.
A short demonstration beats a long explanation. Justification by volume.
Many words go in the ear, but still we hear what we want to hear.
Passion kelp. Love is never having to say “you sleep on the wet spot”.
Who can resist the comeback? Success the best revenge.
Lawyers are gangsters with lesser tailors.
If lawyers are a necessary evil then I declare there to be an overabundance of necessity.
Love is a choice, not an emotion.
(back masking) Eat your vegetables, eat your vegetables, eat your vegetables...
Life: A four letter word. So is what.
These are the stress years of our lives. All is insanity and chasing after sin.
Another defiling moment. To live and die with courage, humor and grace.
If you can’t be happy, be funny.
Have faith - ignore the facts. For the less you say the better you say it.
Poetry: You can’t dance to it so why eat a condominium?
Rant & Roll. A critic's job is never done.
Behind me plebeians! I’ve places to avoid, things to put off and people to alienate. So pardon me whilst I
disintegrate.
This country’s gone tuh hell! Mark my words the days is coming when we elect a black, female,
homosexual computer President!
Democrat/Republican: Two sides, same coin. Majority of one. I swear to uphold the vested
interests of those who put me in office.
O'er the land of the Freemason, and the home of the brave new world order. Have a nice
lobotomy. America: The best and worst of everything. Land of litigation, lawyers utopia. One nation on
parole, incarcerated, with legal costs and appeals forever.
How quickly revolution turns to dissolution. What would Jefferson think?
Our skin is white, our record is not.
In the annals of human endeavor, stupidity is the one constant.
History: Sitcom of the gods. If we close our eyes maybe it will just go away.
The dead don’t contradict.
No need to misquote me, I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.
I love aphorisms; they’re short, I’m lazy.
For a certain degree of maturity is inevitable however hard it's resisted.
Beauty is in the eye of the surgeon. More questions than answers.
Does a woman in a forest make a sound if there’s no one there to ignore her?
Mating habits of famous fish.
A crime in the street will get you arrested, but corrupting the elite still gets you elected.
Brevity is the essence of having nothing to say.
Disparage my pizza. Engulf my obelisk. 'Skuze me while I vent some spleen.
Do the pages of your life stick together? Only is this and nothing more; forever is not enough and then
some.
Jehovah’s witless.
Build a better mousetrap and your house will reek of dead rodents.
Church of the Immaculate Sporting Event.
Fat stats and contracts don't mean a thing, compared to the gold of a champions ring.
Will the last hippie please put out the candle?
Elvis Hitler.
Profit: The reward of excellence not reason for existence. Just say no to slogans.
Idolatry ain't what it use to be.
For materialism without spirituality is empty no matter how many gigabytes you have.
Trapped by the Internet, caught in the worldwide web.
Go and pun no more!
Absolutes exist; interpretations are relative.
So thank you for not pontificating.
Once inconsistent never inconsistent.
Sure she's cute, but can she recite the preamble in Swahili?
I fell in loathe. Life a slow suicide.
Rage at audacious circumstance. Wasted days of degradation. If I had it all to do again I’d feel
deja vu. The Air Farce - A Great Waste of Life. Production slave, industry fodder. For your most
heinous crimes I sentence you to life in retail. Vex me how long such mundane drudgery? Ye to
transcend this bogus charade. Vindication or bust.

BREAK: (riff motif)

Elect your oppressor.

Weirdness frolics rampant through the galaxy. Vulcan foreplay, Klingon ballet; not about interplanetary
consciousness. Live long in syndication and prosper in merchandising.
Beating the odds senseless.
Oh yeah, I’ll bet you can’t pat your head, rub your tummy and recite the first amendment in Esperanto
doing 69cartwheels blindfolded through a swamp in Southeastern Honduras during a monsoon, on a leap
year, in your pajamas! I quadruple dare ya!...
Wave your made in China American flags - that'll stop terrorism.
Islamic comedy. Anything but FUNdamentalism. Is there humor is their heaven?
Humor: A dirge disguised as a waltz. Beats slashing your wrists.
For only a comedian knows what pain goes into comedy.
Wang-dang-sturm und drang! Fascist swine torment my canary.
Neurosis: The apex of enlightenment. I think - therefore I pay outrageous therapist fees.
For human potential is limited, especially by other humans.
Deviate.
World peace: What a noble delusion. Nuclear war cures acne.
Sex: The universal pastime. Thou art groovy. May I compliment your DNA. You give great alchemy!
Spare the rod, abort the child. Die healthy.
Viagra: 'Cause every man deserves a boner.
If perfect consistency were a criteria for speaking out we'd live in a very quiet world indeed.
The Aesthetic Empire - In odd we trust.
I don't care what you think so long as it's what you think.
Be your own rock star. I dream of genius.
Plagiarism: inspiration to the unimaginative. You have the right to be stupid
For if Hollywood represents our culture to the rest of the world it's little wonder they all hate us..
Money: The root of all envy. What we wont do for pictures of dead politicians.
Numb my neurons. Paisley sweat socks with glee, spiffy day feeling well adjusted.
Be angry, but be cool. For the mind is a mans most valuable asset - besides chest hair.
Serendipity in reverse: Oh shit, not again!
I party discreetly. A little ambiguity never hurt anybody.
For it is better to go hungry, than to eat when there is no food.
Say brother, can you spare a latte? Welcome to Seattle - gridlock city.
Something in the Northwest rain inspires moss upon my brain.
Whatever you eat, it all ends up the same.
Assholes anonymous. Happiness is a warm pipe.
If everybody thought like me, oh how boring life would be.
I was a teenage pot roast
The world and I aren't ready for each other.
I don't accept reality checks without identification.
Cause surely a women’s love can never be bought - only rented.
For love is transitory, bureaucracy forever.
Give me liberty or give me lite beer!
I ride my own wave.
Just yer average ADS, mel/phleg, right-brain, latter-day, west coast, late bloomer, baby boomer, Scorpio,
Christian, mutant
Pokemon: Crack for kids. Clutter expands to fill all available space.
You're a painus in the anus on Earth or on Uranus. So take your syntax and stick it in your vortex.
Buttercups are killers.
Objectivity or faith: Both difficult abstraction to attain.
So may a malevolent purple dinosaur rip your guts out and leave them wherever it pleases!
You bourgeois pud! Speak softly, and carry an Uzi. Treat each day like a Saturday night.
Eat, drink and be melancholy.
The thumbscrew, the rack, the iron maiden, the student loan
Who am I to resist a compelling urge? One good mind fuck deserves another.
For every book an agenda. Every biographer an assassin. Yet everything starts as a dream.
What going on is the heck here?! Angst a lot. Original sin and extra crispy. Who could foresee the
repercussions?
Fourth down eternity to go. Lost. I’m just a babe in Babylon. Screaming heathen nights, secret rites to
some punk religion. So he hardened his heart and pressed on.
The joy of semantic abuse. Doris Day versus Gladys Knight.
Great gargantuan gobs of green galactic goo. Makes no censor.
The battle hymn of the military industrial complex.
Behold ye receivers of immeasurable contempt! Where will you be in eight billion, five hundred
and seventy two million, three hundred forty six thousand, two hundred thirty nine years, eleven
months, two weeks, four days, sixteen hours and twenty three minutes? Now that’s a loaded
question, but for your edification I’ll give it to you off the cuff. Meet my poodle Beelzebub.
 Life: A tragic interlude between eternity and oblivion. Gorging on primal ecstasy. Quick, the
antidote! Tough noogies comrade. Some of my best friends radiate without even trying. So y’all
be good avatars and I promise not to eat the universe. Stick that in your major arcana!
I'm here to validate my existence.
Hey Colonel. how’s yer mojo? Talking out of something other than your mouth? You insolent imp!
Thank you sir, I’ll consider the source. For they could not refute my cheeky vernacular.
Good sense prevails where government fails.
So how paranoid do you wanna get? If you look for conspiracy you will find it - or it will find you.
It’s a good thing we’re not stoned. A bozo-colonial no-no. Not wrong, just illegal. Attack the
symptoms, forget the cause, ignore all precedence. Crime is all Prohibition will bring, ‘cause
everybody’s addicted to something. But but not everything shows up in a urinalysis cup. I'm
addicted to thinking.
Torque my frontal lobe. May your neurotransmitters throb with bliss.
Income attacks. Pay more and more for less and less.
Taxation is extortion. Stop feeding the beast!
Who polices the police? Who judges the judges? Who watches the watchers?
Fine print is anything but.
So how poor do I have to be to qualify for all these stupendous benefits?
Life would be great if it wasn’t such shit. Something to enjoy not endure.
Just because they got the world doesn't mean they have to get you.
Polarization is inevitable. We appreciate your money.
Prison: Criminal finishing school. Few walk out the better.
Fun as a barrel of evolutionists. It is better to forgive than to seethe.
Cyber hootenanny (void where suppressed). Prosecutors will be violated.
Lofty is the view from the mountain of my mistakes.
Hedonism, debauchery, licentiousness (not necessarily in that order)
The eyes have it, and the hands want it.
Do what you money, the love will follow. Go ahead, exploit me!
(back masking) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Bless our proverbial soul and stock portfolio. May life bring us peace, health, prosperity and even bigger
screens.
Remember the Alamo! Forget Vietnam. Save the tuna casserole! I brake for art.
Our dumps and landfills: the gold mines of future anthropologists.
History's a mockery, a litany of fallacy.
It's a fine line between faith and complacency. I vow to never vow.
Indulge in tranquility. I wonder what my government dossier looks like?
Been where? Done squat.
I find strange comfort in my infinite capacity to say and do the stupid thing. Keeps me humble.
Willful ignorance: The universal religion.
Certainly I’m a tyrant, but all in good fun.
From baseball cards to tarot cards; the strange metamorphosis of an enlightened weenie.
Change yourself and you change the world.

BREAK: (riff motif)

Marriage: The triumph of duty over passion. Common cure for incorrigible romanticism. Love
on the installment plan. Activating hormone sensors. Seeking the perfect catalyst: A woman
with all the right flaws. Charming in every dimension. Ah, come hither fair maiden of ample
bosom. Yea, what excellent symmetry! Terrific bone structure, my corpuscles run amok. Thou
art worthy of many adjectives. My little Amazon, mere words cannot convey the weirdness of my
heart. I’m raptured by your extremities and long to exploit your natural resources. So let us revel
in glorious excess - for one cannot indefinitely ignore a biological imperative. Love isn’t
measured in inches.
Heavier than thou. Seems I'm always running up hill. Just a bit actor in a shit play.
Gnashing of teeth. Dear John e-mail. Poseurs to the left, philistines to the right.
Tackiness is an American heritage (and I’m leaning towards asylum).
Conspiracy theory? I'd say it's rather obvious. (And most people aren't even aware they're part of it).
If insanity is a crime then truly we are ruled by criminals. In a land without justice, silence is the only
defense.
For the greatest tribute to our founding father's vision is that it's taken this long to get this bad.
Censorship creates vacuum. When will it all end? (false ending) just kidding.
My Scorpio made me do it.
Just because we're doomed doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs.
For nobody plans an accident except in cases of insurance fraud.
Fear not this too shall pass. In less time than it takes to watch a sitcom.
Paranormal, metaphysical, supernatural. Who’s the mechanic if the universe mechanical?
Drugs: Similar to sex but safer. Everything’s a mixed bag.
And all too often our only choice is the lesser of two evils.
Som uv meine beste fruenda bin jude. Hey, they're only words.
Innocence is not to be confused with ignorance.
What an awesome assemblage of sentient protoplasm!
There’s no business like none of your business.
You are here, but you’ll get over it. God bless this cardboard box.
I am a vast repository of useless knowledge.
Repressed on the inside, oppressed from without. Annoyed, vexed, & irritated.
He who grabs life by the balls reaps furious karma.
Have a nice death. If you can’t enjoy the sunset then wallow in the slime.
Zen rugby. A mood for every occasion. Shazam, me thinks she’s a gastropod!
To my beloved a flower, a bouquet, a garden, alright dammit a whole forest!...
We shall overkill.
The wicked receive their recompense, and the hottest babes.
Have pipe - will time travel.
Socks to better symbolize the dualistic nature of the universe.
Dues paid with interest. Forged on an anvil of shit.
The biggest lies require a leaven of truth.
Inertiavist. An Empire built on sloth.
Vitamins, irony and a synchronicity a day.
You can drive to a bar but you can’t drive back.
Learn from the past, apply to the present, project to the future. Disregard the status quo and strive to
overcome even though it be futile. It’s not over till the fat lady sits on you.

BREAK: (riff motif)

Nothing is free, especially thinking.

Government: What they don’t know won’t hurt you. No man is an island, but I’ll settle for a
peninsula. Yet what is freedom compared to the promised security of a gilded cage? United
States of Amnesia - working towards a kinder, gentler police state. Read my - oops!...
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it read Ulysses.
Existential kumquat. I have no aardvark.
If you know what I’m talking about you more than likely need help. See your doctor, lawyer,
shrink or guru for advice
Thrills and ills. Till death do you party.
No lie in the world is half as deceiving as those of our own we persist in believing.
Open mouth - close mind. I possess the capacity for filling the void.
From minimum wage to center stage.
Where there’s a will, there’s a lawyer.
Women: Give ‘em an inch and they want nine more.
Life in the right brain. Arranging disparate elements.
A single idea can earn more than a lifetime of labor.
Can’t teach imagination, computers don’t dream.
No muse is bad news. Damn it, I’m an artist not a doctor!
To judge is wrong but oh so gratifying!
If only our hearts were as big as our egos.
Suffering as an offering.
Veritas, Marinatha, Dominus Vobiscom, Et com speri tu oh.
A smile is universal currency.
Flair, panache, verve, strawberry flavored vertical hold.
Up against the wall! Please?
Terrorist humor. The word processor is mightier than the AK47.
Where do you go after you’ve burned your last bridge? Nowhere is home.
Conformity is tyranny. Many sacrificed their lives so you might have the freedom to think, act, dress and
speak exactly like everyone else.
E. Dubious Unum. This space reserved for future statement.
One small step for man, one giant budget for nationalistic propaganda.
Two’s company, three’s a menage a trois. Boffo!
I admit to indiscretions, pretentious, faux-paux, breaches of etiquette, broken promises, assorted
eccadilloes, miscellaneous misdemeanors and unsportsmanlike conduct. I cop a plea. Guilty of
various infractions, violations of regulation, civil disobedience, slander, libel, contempt of court,
treason and a tendency to leave the toilet seat up. But I don’t drive fifty in the fast lane or mow
the lawn at eight a.m. And I’ll be the first to admit I’m wrong, within seven to ten working days.
So relax or I’ll kick your ass!
Don't be ludicrous, that's my job.
“Reality” is subject to constant revision, often by the rudest of editors.
No one ever said existence was easy. Without struggle our character muscles would atrophy.
My cold flame. When an irresistible need meets an immovable fear - you’re lonely.
About as exciting as a Presbyterian orgy.
Spoilt, delinquent, in-debited, decrepit. The four stages of life.
Today is the nostalgia of tomorrow.
Better nothing than something half-assed. Meet my attitude.
Every exhibitionist needs a voyeur like a criminal needs a lawyer.
Feeling good as the government will allow.
Insanity is a liberal education.
Evolution: an insult to apes.
Some things have always been beyond the comprehension of man: The vastness of space, the mystery of
death, the mind of a woman...
I’m not lazy, I’m energy conservant.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, how can you stand to look at us all?
Optimism: Sweetest of delusions. Happiness is overrated. Why crave what you can’t have?
Politically corset. Candidness is inversely proportional to the size of one’s audience.
Flew the astral plane - coach. Everyone's a philosopher.
Fear: The enemy within. Afraid to lose one cannot win.
No one remembers who finished second.
Yes I'll have the cholesterol bomb burger with fascist fries, and a DMSO milkshake made with
reagent grade hemotoxilin frozen at room temperature to go please
Consumer proof packaging. A mans home is his dungeon.
If frustration were hair I'd be a Yeti.
Access not process. Deeds not words. Are we communicating or exchanging monologues? So let us
engage in meaningful dialogue followed by meaningful sex...
Subliminal yodeling.
Jesus died for morons like me.
The Devil: I can’t honor any being responsible for Top 40. Does God need another “o” to be
good? Earth: Heaven’s slum. Cauldron of simmering despair. Dammit! How casually we
invoke divine retribution. It’s a cruel world, what’s your contribution? Utopian abstracts, state-
of-the-art standards, morality by decree. Instant salvation - just add money! My god’s bigger than
your god...Blasphemy! Blasphem you! Distinguish divine will from cause and effect. Righteous
primates. Stupendously qualified for ridicule. Stained glass minds, medieval architecture,
stairways to nowhere. The greatest evils perpetrated by the largest groups in the name of the
highest principles. Surrealigion, surrealpolitik, surreality. If only more people were as concerned
 for the living as the unborn.
Dare to keep kids off television.
Cultural dissident. Impervious to opportunity.
Little worth having is worth the trouble getting.
We have infinite options but no choice. Make mine marsupial.
The willing never get tempted.
For love is a many splendored thing, but what is the gross national product of Mozambique?
I digress.
Language: A tool for expressing thought or a system enslaving it?
To each his jargon. Everything’s been said but no one was listening.
Mock my world. Destiny in all the right movies.
Persevere, and someday you too can have a second mortgage.
I am not redundant! I am not redundant! I am not redundant!...
To pace is bliss. Groovin’ on a friendly buzz, mondo reverie in the dream arcade.
Disturb me not you impetuous knave! Can’t you see I’m in the process of intense cogitation?!
Rave on oh my soul. Praise the Lord and all his vegetables. It’s Thursday, and birds fly, so I’ll play my
guitar.
Life’s too short for static cling.
Mommy and I are one.
Sublime.

Mommy and I are one, sublime

Groucho, Harpo, Chico & Sometimes Zeppo
May 1, 2007 - Tuesday

Gee, could it be another survey?

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

At work, being a wage slave for a pittance per day

2. Who are you in love with?

This delicious nectar I'm drinking at the moment

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

Not raw...

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

I wish

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

Depends on one's definition of a "mall"

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

no, potato chips

7. Do you have a car worth over $2000.00?

I wish some more

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

At the moment can't even drive in town

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

Only in my mind

10. Are you hot?

Yeah baby!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Bottled Ambrosia nectar imported from Valhalla

12. What are you wearing right now?

A designer barrel
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Cars are suppose to be washed?...

14. Last food that you ate?

Sauteed Armadillo

15. Where were you last week at this time?

Probably right here

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Tights and a cape

17. When is the last time you ran?

It was a really large bear...

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?

NBA play-offs, Suns beats Lakers game 4, Nash ties assist record

19. What is your favorite animal?

Platypus

20. Your dream vacation?

What are those?

21. Last person's house you were in?

Hey, it was consensual!..

22. Worst injury you've ever had?

Decapitation

23. Have you been in love?

Been a lot of things, but I can't say for sure which

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

Yeah, Ed McMahon with a really big check

25. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

Gamma rays & pheromones
Guitar avatar James Patrick Page extrapolates on the virtues of distance miking
May 31, 1988

TO: KISW, Attention: John Lyle

FROM: Sea to Shinning Sea
RE: Percy's Britches

Aaaaaahhhh .... come from the land of moss and rain... "
II

Wow! A chance to win Robert (don't call me Bob) Plant's

pants! What a stupendously uh ... novel concept! (Almost
as good as a bottle of "Genuine Elvis Sweat".) Now I can
hardly wait for the "Win Michael Jackson's Chin" contest!
Actually I've always been a foam at the mouth Zep monger,
who also intends to catch Plants' solo show this year. I
think it would be real neat to show up at the concert and
yell towards the stage "Hey Percy, I got yer britches!".
It would also be a great way to meet girls. I could say
"See these are Robert Plant's pants, really" and they
could say "too bad he's not in them".
What further justification do I need? Well at five feet
fifteen and three quarters inches height, I at least
qualify as the "Tall Weird One". Not good enough? Well
how 'bout this one: I have a young nephew sick in bed
with AIDS, leprosy, scurvy, mononucleosis, athletes
foot and the plague.
Now I know it would bring immeasurable joy to the poor
lad's heart to see me in Robert Plant's pants and no
doubt expedite a speedy recovery. Still not convinced?
Consider this. There are certain excerpts from
Nostradamus' prophecies which, when translated in
Armenian and read in a mirror, predict that there will be
"wars, plagues, famines, floods, droughts, earthquakes
and an increase in Seahawks ticket prices" if I don't win
Robert Plant's pants. Sobering stuff huh? Surely it's
obvious by now that I am the one most entitled to the
hotly contested, no doubt lemon scented trousers. (And I
didn't even mention timber!)
I can be reached at 788-3518 after five p.m. should you
wish to contact me concerning any of this or simply to
tell me what a wonderful humanitarian I am. For your
amusement/irritation, I have also enclosed a cassette
containing if not the key to the universe, at least
something pretty damn peculiar! Guaranteed to stimulate
right hemisphere activity if not brain damage. While I'm
being audacious, I might as well request a Plant/Zeppelin
double-shot; "0ver the Hills and Far Away" and "Helen of
Troy". Rave on goldie lungs "baby, baby, baby..."
Be fruitful and transmit

Venus B. Mergatroyd
The Sultan of
Hyperbole Aesthetic
Empire Headquarters

Robert Plant looking for that confounded bridge & a pocketful of Acapulco gold
10 REASONS LED ZEPPELIN STILL SING THE BLUES

10. Sorcerer's union claims Jimmy Page owes back dues

9. Jason Bonham attempting to channel the spirit of deceased dad Bonzo instead gets the spirit
of Karen Carpenter
8. Lawyers for Countess Von Zeppelin demands group play reunion gig under name "The
Nobs"
7. Classic rock stations still wont play "In The Light", "Achilles Last Stand" & "The Song Remains
The Same"
6. Robert torn between Zep reunion and Hobstweedle reunion
5. John Paul Jones demands more time on the spotlight
4. Lloyd's Of London refuses to insure Jimmy's fingers
3. Eddie Van Halen claims Van Halen reunion is better
2. Grandmother groupies
1. "Stairway To Heaven " ring tones

Why yes, I do like posters...

Wo-o-o-o-o-o she just satisfies, so good....
 THE COST OF LIVING

electronic eyes, camera in the skies

the world I despise so unforgiving
everything’s a trap, I gotta take the rap
it’s all a load of crap I’m just a pawn
every single day in every single way
I can’t afford to pay the cost of living
stuck me with the bill, can’t even buy a thrill
the future looks so nil I can’t go on

wanna die but I’m afraid

I don't believe in suicide
all I want is to escape
but there is nowhere left to hide

no reason or rhyme, everything’s a crime

symptom of the time this aggravation
deadlines to be met, deeper into debt
getting real upset, take a timeout
regardless what I do, still just end up blue
I think I’m coming to the realization
life cannot be won, and everything’s a con
now my faith is gone replaced by doubt

chorus:

I know the world owes me nothing

yes, I must agree
but I’m not asking for a thing
but opportunity
I’m so tired of being angry
hungry, cold and poor
and though I try I can’t deny
the world’s a closed door
(unless you know the right handshake)

Negativity, free will, destiny

what’s “reality” define your terms now
everything is black, when sustenance you lack
it’s just a simple fact, wish it weren’t so
victim of excess, the price paid for success
pursuit of happiness I wish I knew how
truth is hard to find, guess I’ll follow blind
the visions of my mind until I know.
 Ah feel those endorphins!...

If there are hummingbird's, then why aren't there yodeling birds?

 INVOCATION

A pox upon your person hood!

you contemptuous piss-ant, spawn of lemmings
source of malodorous emissions
I smite your balls, pummel your posterior
spill ink on your tie and spit in your soup
I disturb your peace, obstruct your view
edit your diary and taunt you with extreme vigor.
I eat your brain, shit in your skull
dance on your grave and piss in your pool
I kick your wife, rape your dog
corrupt your children and drink your last beer
I spam your computer, hide your remote
scratch your car and park in your spot
I mock your beliefs, question your heredity
and make crank calls to your mother
I violate your space, desecrate your sanctuary
thwart your purpose, and soil your towels
I steal your identity, run up your credit card
do 360’s on your lawn and mix your whites with colors
I slander your name, discredit your reputation
diddle your mistress, and leave crumbs in your bed

I’m your greatest adversary, I’m your lifetime foe

I diss you to the nth degree
and I’ll be there to let you know
just who you are and where you can go

May your spleen be ungently removed

And used to provide sustenance for weasels
may a colony of fire ants find refuge in your trousers
and your feet play host to a multitude of corns
may the IRS take special interest in your finances
and you experience joy as an eternal root canal
may your car break down at 3 AM in the south Bronx
and you find yourself trapped in a broken elevator with a Jehovah’s Witness Amway
Salesmen
may you define impotence in all it’s forms
and your life reek of a thousand used sweat socks
may you be a candidate for retroactive abortion
and your children sue you for genetic damage
may your spouse elope with your best friend
and your television debut be on 60 Minutes

cont:
may your dreams be preempted, your fears made manifest
and all your travels on the road of life be stuck behind a school bus driven by an old asian
woman
may you expire on the first day of your annual vacation
of spontaneous combustion while talking to a telemarketer
may nobody bother to show up at your funeral
and your epitaph be written by Albert Goldman
may your grave be paved over for a new freeway
and any memory of you be scorned, ridiculed and discarded into the dustbin of oblivion.
yo mama wears polyester!

Hendrix was in the paratroops, myself the Air Farce

 CAROUSEL
Riding a carousel wheel of fire
burned by the flames till the day we expire
rehearsal for the celestial choir
around and around till we’re dust in the ground

Life a perpetual wheel of sorrow

can’t change the past or insure a tomorrow
time is the one thing that no one can borrow
sacrifice all in pursuit of the goal
we gain the world and forfeit our soul

Knowledge is pain we get older and sadder

instead of wiser are we only fatter
if we’re just molecules what does it matter?
aspire to be more than just energy

It’s easy to follow the well trodden avenue

harder the journey on less traveled road
few have a clue as to where they are going
struggling to carry the weight of our load

Solo:

Riding in circles in pursuit of something

trying to grasp the unreachable brass ring
chasing the carrot attached to a thin string
what if we tried to just enjoy the ride?

All of us born to this human fraternity

destined to know only one common certainty
death is the door where we enter eternity
living to die is the lie we transcend
life is a ride every ride has to end

It’s easy to follow the well trodden avenue

harder the journey on less traveled road
few have a clue as to where they are going
struggling to carry the weight of our load

Riding a carousel wheel of fire

burned by the flames till the day we expire
rehearsing for the celestial choir
around and around till we’re dust in the ground
just close your eyes and get lost in the sound of it (guitar solo fadeout)
Rhema exhibits early scholarly tendencies
 POSSIBLE BAND NAMES

The Avatars Scheist Kopf Raging Yahoos

Lepers On Parade Teutonic Candy Celebrity Zombies
New World Mordor Vermin Need love Canned Lemmings
The Bitchin' Kumquats Garage Prog Your Mother's Abomination
Adler,Freud,Peck & Jung Visigoths on Furlough Weapons Of Mass Instruction
Mondo Dilettante Popular Angst Sulu You Prat
Beautified Field Theory Uber Thing Veritas
Earplugs Please Nth Degree Solitary Refinement
Gall-Mart The Reversible Wombats Fun Plague
Elegant Septic Primal Confetti Punkadelic
Cyber Junkie Bjorn Again Spurned By Sheep
Saved By Plastic Succulent Ego The Bloody Muse
Yeti Flavored Caffeine Free Diet Aphrodisiac My Latest Greatest Afflatus
Murder's Not Nice My Favorite Continuum The Rhythm Czars
Not Made in China Umbrage Excelsia The Infinite Duh
Boomers Echo Dream Fungus Bopcicle
Garlic Sherbet Disney's Dungeon Of Death Glamor Weasel
Jaded Virgin The Maternal Fornicators Fluff Nazi
Acoustic Eel Corporate Mystics Wonder Pus
Insult To Islam Prozac For Eeyore Crave The Whales
Gourmet Porridge Committed To Excess 3 In 1 God
Whore Mongers Yup Inverted Nostril The Shitty Amateurs
Keith's Liver The Spiffy Mutants Poodleholics
The Grateful Dad Sultans Of Swine Silly Fascists
Dudeasaurus Lefty Groove Aliens For Lunch
Zen Bedwetters Legends Of Suburbia Gargle Prism
Where's The Chops? Galactic Enema Fly Guy
Bold Sissies Brazen Arizona AbbaZappa
Karma Soufflé The Majestic Maggots We're Full Of It!
Divine Boner Horny Gentlemen V3
My Kingdom For A Noodle Well Hung Jury Funky Protoplasm
We're In It For The Money The Ruling Drones Grounded For Life
Werewolves Of Peoria The What Generic Band Name
The Kitchen Sink Socrate's Last Drink Druid Floss
Dross Gnarly Lumps Pelvic Prerogative
Fabtastica Wanton Accountants In Fraud We Trust
Rot In Peace Virtual Wiener Slack For All
A Tree Named Bob Smegmarama The Preening Dwarves
Wallowing In Logic She Gives Great Personality The Platonic Deltoids
Ten Minute Marriage The Swashbuckling Turnips Code Name Gertrude
The Savage Bunnies Pierced By Syllogisms Avuncular Curfew
Bigger Than Texas Snuggling For Dollars Banned In Sodom
Atomic Mom Really Loud Leprechaun Topical Diva
Why Elementary My Dear Buffy Pseudo Chile
Einstein's Bunions Laser Face Trappings Of Stardom
Bona fide Miscreant Gerbil Jello Glass Half Empty
Alpha Centauri Debutante The Cell Phones Of Destiny Left Clavicle
Kudos A Go-Go Everlasting Nap Peace In Our Time
Barnyard Elitists Existential Tofu Lawyers In Heat
Edible Lingo Virile Eunuch Pumpernickel Of The Gods
Bastards Of Virtue Pandora's Socks Hooligans For Hire
Stairway To Nordstrom's Death By Cliche Merit Ad Nauseum
Numb By Choice Defunct Democracy Stellar Chump
Axis Bold As Fish Pure Mongrel The Nose Hairs Of Glory
Define Thy Gimmick Cheese Barons 4 Tune Yes Certitude!
The Noble Henchmen Sump Pump Manifesto Armed & Delirious
Model Deviant Fist Full Of Pharmaceuticals Verisimilitude On Rye
Squidward's Euphoria Tantalizing Emus Toenail Rapture
Pardon My Genius Prophetic Slander Milk Of Human Malice
Transcendent Hootenanny Fuzzy Dominion Lessons In Chaos
Quagmire Of Hope The Chosen Pun Gilligan's Theorem
Black Hole Fun Brain Massage Gobs Of Verity
Goosestep & Skip French Troll The Nattering Nabobs
Damn The Spam! Fear Of Unicorns The Don'twannabe's
Fancy Turds Of Glee Shiny Happy Androids Silly With Vengeance
The Band That Couldn't Shoot Straight Poseur Free Zone
The Inscrutable DJ's Opossum Lust Just In Case
The Mind Boggling Awesome Regurgitators The Barking Spiders
The Kitchens Of Valhalla Guys In Pants Bodacious Squid
Crazed Rutabaga Turgid Vessels The Swamps Of Ecstasy
Enlightened Barnacles Meat Eaters Anonymous Powerswill
Well Meaning Bipeds The Origin Of Feces Oodles Of Plunder
The Rockin' Nematodes The Mighty Scum Creeping Malaise
Middle Girth The Space Primates Anthropologists On Crack
Betwixt Thy Goiter What's It All About, Algae? Seed Donation Imperative
Vermin On The Make The Follicles Of Splendor Discreet Devastation
Whole Lotta Umbrage Ripe For Exploits The Wailin' Wallabies
Pocket Lint Magic The Sissy Studs Guilty Till Proven Goofy
Voyeurs Of History Nerds Of The Underworld Puke For Joy
Tastes Like Chicken Deft Lefty Clever Till It Hurts
Elvis Beethoven Squash Me Not The Riff That Wouldn't Die
Now Try It Fashion Corpse Cabala Nouveau
Very Very Kill The Trendy Thunka Thunka Thud Thud
The Intrepid Moguls Bono Talks Worthy Of Copy
Kosherdelic Bereft Of A Plan Spontaneous Compulsion
The Choosy Beggars Vestiges Of Pork The Great Whatevers
Not Your Bitch Apathy In Action The Proud Lemmings
Vex The Tyrant Scrotum Largess Sacred Toxin
Force Manure Safer Than Drugs The Merry Montage Of Mirth
Cute When Mad The Masters Of Squat Doggy Style
The Bards Of Commerce Emerson, Lake & Pomegranate Slacking For Profit
Mother Mayhem Love Us Or Die The Boogers Of Delight
Modest Implants The Happy Your Escatology Sucks
The Ripsnortin' Dopplegangers Of Lent Wasted Minstrel's
Now You've Done It Voter's Disdain Glad Marsupials
When In Doubt Shout Apoplexy For All Aim Low
Modest Implants The Happy Cynics Molecular Dynasty
A Group Of Musicians Zest World Class Wankers
Exegesis Loves You Roast Behemoth Forensic Zoom
Last Of The Post War Craftsmen The Murky Depths
Hit Or Hit Again Poindexter's Paradox Chairman Mao Flash
Play Loudly & Carry A Small Stick Led Zippy
Ripe Conjecture The Bleedles Sausage Slam
Men Who Ask Directions Phlegmtastic Pearls Before Lawyers
Friendly Neighborhood Car Jacker Prudent & Punctual
Marsupial Parfait Classical Grunge Lucy In The Salad With Dressing
Ear Candy For The Masses Proxy Lady The Side Effects
Bask In My Plumage Your Inner Chimp Caveat Ala Mode
The Rowdy Scholars Extra Dimensional Cuckold Shirley You Jest
Malice In Blunderland The Whimsical Militants Stealth Hammock
Liver & Minions Extinct & Loving It Backsliding To Infinity
Very Clean The Bodacious Ta-Ta's Randy Missionary
Terminal Jest Doldrums & Dolguitars Temporal Resistance
The Yodeling Magpies Extreme Frolic Void Where Disintegrated
Ascetic Follies Cretins Beerlather Reviled Crematorium Emporium
Eat My Crust Heck's Angels The Existential Bumpkins
Audible Gas Trump's Combover Eek Swellness & Swagger
The Pernicious Hobgoblins Love's Residue Vroom For Vrent
Immanuel Rant Slackers Paradise The Thrill Of Vitriol
Suntuna Nasal Prestige Granny's Clitoris
Sentimental Gulag The Intangible Kings Secular Saint
Bambi Must Die Manifest Density Curse The Credit Card
A Load Of Wit Afro Pope S*T*A*S*H
Vulcan Rap Acid Barrett Perfect Spleen
Crass Nuptials Have A Nice Conspiracy The Super Bolsheviks
Orthodox Anarchists The Omnipotent Retards Cruel & Unusual Pun
Lucid Hangover Vegicide The Truckers Of Uranus
Nature's Quaalude's Causality For Beginners Crud Tacular
Trip Ax And You Shall Receive Chuck Cherry
The Kinetic Brotherhood Crude Masterpiece D.U.M.
Great White Grope Dr. Zeus Chez Road Kill
Anthems R' Us Ubangi Fritz The Clod Stompers
Vehicular Mishap My Favorite Felony Tunes For Goons
Psychic Hairpiece Crab Fibula Slums Of Atlantis
Cannibal Gourmet Chest Beatin' Floor Flushers Love That Stench
Renaissance Graffiti Cacophony Wallaby State Of The Art Nostalgia
Spock's Libido Fetchin' Gargoyles Where's My Mullet?
Hear Ye, Hear Ye Quantum Limericks Chicken Spit
Artistic Licentiousness Regal Skank Phallic Integrity
Bask In My Magnetism Udders Insatiable Computer Spawn
The Highfalutin Mollusks Quality Crime Jolly Circumcision
My Good Fi Fi La Mohawk Empty Cupboard
The Cold Cuts Of Glory Hiscules & Hercules Scary Blotter
Bold Certitude Tunis Maximus The Power Of Poultry
Holy Foolz Geek Bravado Taser Tag
Meek Inheritance Urf Now! Hungry For Babes
The Semi-Literate National Obscurity The Originals
Cursed But Content Bust A Soliloquy Aliens From Earth
And Then There Were None Bond, Vagabond Masters Of Mediocrity
The Artist Formerly Known As Doug The Punctual Demagogues
Distributors Of Semen Eloquent Malaprop The Inner Sanctum
Politically Suspect The Odors Of Paradise Terrorists At Play
Smiling faces tell lies...
Relationship Survey

ARE U SINGLE OR TAKEN?

I haven't been told yet

WILL YOU...
...DO ANYTHING FOR UR B/F, G/F?
I won't suck the pus from a dead weasel's eye

GET OUT OF THEIR WAY FOR THEM TO BE HAPPY?

Well I'm not going to just let them hit me!

LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN?

And as often as capable

YOU WILL BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR B/F, G/F?

I and my mistresses will be loyal as necessary

AGREEMENT....

WHAT IS YOUR FAV. COLOR?

I don't play favorites lest I damage the self-esteem of the other colors

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SODA?

bi-carbonate

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOITE TYPE OF MUSIC?

Mongolian Acid Jazz

YOU...

NFL TEAM?
Seahawks even though they perpetually break my heart

NBA TEAM?
Sonics unless they end up in Oklahoma City

MLB TEAM?
Seattle Marinators
GOLF PLAYER?
The lesser known Woods sibling Cheeta Woods

NHL TEAM?
Don't care, never did, never will

FAVORITE ATHELETE?
The third string catcher for the Marlins

ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT YOUR B/F, G/F RIGHT NOW?

Well I don't currently have one, but I do have an excellent imagination...

HOW OFTEN DO U THINK OF THEM?

Six times daily facing towards Mecca

ARE U FAITHFUL?
Didn't we cover this already?

EVER THOUGHT OF CHEATING ON YOUR B/F, G/F?

Well now that you bring it up...

WRAP IT UP...

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR TODAY?

Devise a theory that will create a new paradigm in human understanding

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND?

Collect my Nobel Peace Prize

WHO DO U MISS THE MOST?

My fairly Godmother, where have you been ya bitch?!...

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?

My daughter, or was it a toad?...

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED?

That would be a violation of their personal space
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?
Ghostbusters!

IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW, WHO WOULD U SPEND TODAY WITH?

Probably my doctor

HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE?

Not that I know of

DID U LIE AT ANYTHING IN THIS SURVEY?

I never "lie", I use artistic liberty with the truth

Mom & I with early prototype of ill-fated color coded sticker moving system we developed "Color
Moves It!"
As the Days Grow Colder One Appreciates a Warm Blanket

Your hands give birth to many good things

small eager instruments of perpetual joy fueled with positive energy
flowing from a cup so full
it pours out to everyone
your spirit
like a flower on a bleak
landscape thrives
untainted through long jaded years
smiles
while dealing shrewdly with a cynical world
trials
transcending harsh environment
with persistent hope anchored in your heart
like a firm stake driven deep
dynamic montage task to task
Unflagging purpose drives you along
day to day into the evening
charmed results soon to follow
your latest endeavor
nourished on quiet faith
Confident
without dwelling on past accomplishments
or failures
accepting praise as a bonus
rather than a fee
eyes that find light in people and circumstance
no one else can see
assuming the role of the servant
but still in charge
respect
not gained through arbitrary rule
but with unconditional love Sometimes
makes it hard to believe
I am your son.
Mom & myself looking geekier than usual
 FROM WHERE I STAND

(Man standing on sidewalk near a retail shop smoking a pipe and staring at traffic in a
trance)

Cop: Hey, what are you doing?

Man: Nothing particularly tangible.

Cop: Are you waiting for somebody?

Man: We’re all waiting for somebody, we just don’t know it until we’ve met them.

Cop: Then why are you standing around here? Just what is it you’re doing?

Man: Seems as good as any other place to stand. As to what I’m doing I was just
pondering the cultural significance of gargoyles in medieval architecture.

Cop: Say, what are you smoking in that pipe?...

Man: A product of domestic agriculture which is of a no longer socially acceptable but

not yet illegal nature.

Cop: Well I’m telling you to go smoke it someplace else.

Man: Do you have a particular location in mind? What’s wrong with here?

Cop: I really don’t give a rats ass as to where you go, just go somewhere else. Don’t you
have anything else to do or somewhere else to go like everyone else?

Man: If I didn’t, would it be a crime?

Cop: Look you’ve been here for several hours according to some of the store owners and
they’re complaining that you’re scaring away customers.

Man: Are you suggesting my presence discourages others from engaging in commerce?

Cop: I’m suggesting very strongly that if you don’t find some place else to contemplate
the universe I’m going to bust you for loitering!

Man: You’re referring to the civic ordinance that specifies how long an individual can
remain relatively stationary in a fixed location?
Cop: That’s the law if I choose to enforce it, and right now I’m getting pretty close to
choosing just that.

Cont:

Man: Sounds rather arbitrary to me.

Cop: Look, this is absolutely the last time I’m gonna tell you, take your sorry ass to
somewhere else or I’ll take you somewhere you can stand and think all night. You have
five seconds.

Man: That’s hardly time for an adequate rebuttal. (moves before cop can lose his
temper)

Cop: (walking down another street sees same man standing on different corner) Hey
you!...

Man: So how much time am I allowed here?

Squadron barbecue. I loved that "Slam Duck" T-shirt

 FOLLOWING ORDERS

The world of today is in such a sad state

full of poverty pollution, war, hunger, and hate
and everyone contributes yet we blame it on “them”
those anonymous phantoms, “you can’t change the system”
“the world’s gone mad” we all murmur and cuss
but no one wants to rock the boat or make any fuss
or to look in the mirror and admit that it’s us
we’re just following orders

Hey I didn’t know, I’m just doin’ my job

I’m just following orders
I don’t ever question, only do what I’m told
I’m just following orders

Remember the ol' Nazi's back in World War Two

Yeah the SS and Gestapo were out huntin’ the Jew
killin' men & woman, young & old, rich & the poor
for they had lost their soul before losing the war
but you ask any German and they all said the same
oh what a pity, ya, oh what a shame
it wasn’t my fault and I wasn't to blame
I was following orders

chorus:

No one wants to talk about being accountable

and thinking ‘bout these things gets us feeling uncomfortable
‘cause when it comes to fault no one wants to be liable
so careful what you say it must all be deniable

The language of today’s full of if, ands or buts

our demise is slow, death by ten thousand cuts
the legislative, judicial, and executive
they reserve the right to judge but will never forgive
then trickle down the chain flows the rank residue
that's going to your boss, teacher, me and to you
‘cause we don’t have the time and we don’t have a clue
we’re just following orders

chorus/fade:
This isn't all I can do with my tongue...
 ALPHABET SOUP

A is for attitude
B is bad
C is for certitude
D is for Dad
E is for execute
F is for fear
G is for gratitude
H is for here
I is for innocent
J is for just
K is for kindness
L is for lust
M is for mercenary
N is for nil
O for obituary
P is for pill
Q is for quiver
R is for rent
S is for shiver
T is for tent
U is for under
V vacillating
W wonder
X for a rating
Y is for yearning
Z is for zoo
hope you are learning
your ABC’s too
With fru fru's at Christmas time
Survey infinity

1. Do you know anyone's my space password?

Sure, sell it on the black market

2. Do you think your love life right now will last long?
what love life?

3. Are you an emotional person?

Sometimes. I'm pretty easygoing and rational most of the time, but I can be pretty passionate

4. If you had one last breath to say something to someone you love, it would be?
diversify your portfolio

5. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Lust at first sight, all the time. But "love" is a complex thing that takes lots of time to develop

6. Ever felt jealous of your friend?

No. So what if he lives in a mansion, Eats lobster, drives a Ferrari, and has a bevy of super
models for a harem what do I care?...

7. What was the last thing you did?

Breathed

8. Who is right next to you?

Napoleon Bonaparte

9. Who was the last person you ate with?

My daughters

10. How many times has your page been viewed?

As many times as necessary

11. How's the weather right now?

It's Arizona - Hot! But not as bad as it can be

12. Last person who called you today?

The Dali Llama
14. Last song you sang?
The Hokie Pokie Song

15. Last time you danced?

With or without a lampshade?

16. Lost a friendship over something stupid?

Yes, and losing any friendship is stupid

17. Smoke?
A pipe

18. Last thing you ate?

Humble pie

19. Been really depressed before?

Breathed oxygen before ?

20. Faked being sick to miss school?

Forged my own notes

21. What time did you wake up today?

Wake up or get up?

22. Current taste?

French Provincial

23. Do you like the person who previously posted this survey?
Yeah she's a sweetheart

24. What are you wearing right now?

Victoria Secrets lingerie, pope hat & ice skates

25. Are you too shy to ask anyone out?

Can't deny I'm a bit gun shy in that area

26. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their weapons
27.Where are you right now?
Southwest North America, early 21st Century

28. What date and day is it?

MAY THE 5TH

29. Did you go somewhere yesterday?

to pieces

30. What did you do there?

Nothing that doesn't show

31. How old are you?

Chronologically impervious

33. Are you mature or immature?

Depends on who you ask

34. What do you call your parents?

Mom & dead

35. Are you an only child?

4th of five, youngest male

36. Where do you go shopping?

Sachs of Fifth Avenue, Wall-Mart

37. Do you like where you work?

I've worked in worst

38. Do you like books?

Pathologically

39. Do you want to get married?

Is that a proposal?

40. To whom?
A woman I think - or perhaps a llama...
Oh say can you see…I believe this is a G major barre chord
10 REASONS THE U.S. IS STILL BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD

10. Our extensive prison industry provides more jobs

9. World leader in theme parks
8. American football superior to soccer and nobody riots
7. Rapacious media and dysfunctional celebrities help distract people from more
disturbing issues
6. Cutting edge special effects
5. American basketball players better dunkers
4. Gargantuan debt spending keeps world economy afloat
3. Constitution guarantees the right to blow away people who look at you funny
2. Corrupt politicians provide more entertaining headline fodder
1. Bigger breasts

Sure I’m American, but don’t hold it against me

 THEM

Can’t trust federal monopoly

a centralized bureaucracy
that operates in secrecy
without accountability
justified by fallacy
for “National security’
classified for few to see
in a so called democracy
“freedom” - what a mockery
“executive privilege” decree
would Thomas Jefferson agree
anything but "land of the free"
elite enjoy prosperity
manipulate economy
increasing our dependency
on government totality
invasion of our privacy
the dominant depravity
defining our reality
power corrupts absolutely
so we are and doomed completely
for who watches the watchers?...
 Aria was born photogenic

VARIATION ON AN OBSESSION

Her face radiates warm comfort

framed with strands in teasing disarray

smooth contours of Aztec gold
a playground for impish shadows
dark gems flash demure animation
pleasing to the senses
Untainted smile
reveals lines of delicate symmetry
arouse
a kaleidoscope of visions provocative,
inviting.
milk with a little moonshine
potent is to drink
from the cup of her charms.
Off Campus School Graduation
 CRITTER RAP
All we animals agree
as for the human race
this planet would be paradise
if you weren’t in the place.

Dissect us in your laboratories

lock us up in zoos
God gave you dominion
and now look at what you do.

Train us for your circuses

domesticated pets
entertain you with our tricks
but an elephant never forgets.

We’ve carried you upon our backs

your burden we have born
labored in your industry
and fought for you in war.

Our skin you use for clothing

and our flesh provides you food
perfumes and aphrodisiacs
or for your sporting mood.

Is not the Earth our common home?

Us other creatures wondered
you talk of the environment
while habitats are plundered.

“Survival of the fittest”

says the creed of evolution
a testimony to your progress
one world of pollution.

Religion and philosophy

gives man such proud distinction
to manifest your destiny
you drive us to extinction .

Man alone has consciousness

proclaim your scholars and priests
if this is what a “soul” does best
then better to be beasts.
Yes all we animals agree
as for the human race
we hope you find another home
somewhere in outer space.

Wilbur am I oppressing you?

May 6, 2007 - Sunday
Sunday Bloody Survey

1. Story behind your My Space song?

I don't have one as yet. But I figure if I put on one of my own I won't have to worry about it being
"deleted by artist". Of course I may have to worry about people sending me flames but life's a risk

2. What's bothering you right now?

Ferrets in my armpits

3. Where do you live?

Class M planet near a third rate sun in a nondescript little galaxy. But it's home to me

DESCRIBE YOUR...

4.Wallet?
Not full enough

5.What is your heritage?

Primarily German, yet I have no urge to invade Belgium

6. Background on your cell phone?

Last human to have a cell phone

7. Jewelry worn today?

Ceremonial dagger in heart

8. Where was your default picture taken?

Inside a crypt

9. Eyes:
squishy things in a skull

10. Life:
A four letter word. A mixed bag at best but it's the only one we got (unless you have a 2 lives for
the price of 1 coupon)

11. House:
Mobile home, but I've lived in worse
WHAT ARE YOU...

12. Doing/did this weekend?

Stressing

13. Wearing?
Suit of armor with sunglasses visor

14. Wanting?
whatever it is you don't have

15. Where are you?

a green/blue planetoidy little orb

16. Listening to?

The fan

17. Something you're afraid of?

The Boogiewoman

18. What do you smell?

hey, it wasn't me!...

19. Eating?
Raoul?

20. Do you believe in love?

Yes I do, but I also believe in the tooth fairy

21. Do you believe in soul mates?

You mean someone who doesn't invoke a prenuptial and take half your stuff?

22. Do you do your own laundry?

Regrettably, yes

23. Do you like seafood?

No I love it! Crustaceans are my friends
24. Do you remember your dreams?
Not often, but I can always rewind the tape

25. Do you consider yourself a study freak?

No, just an all-around freak

26. Do you believe in miracles?

Our very exhistance is one

27. Do you burn easily in the sun?

No, I am coated in asbestos

28. Do you speak another language other than English?

I speak gibberish fluently

29. What's something you wish you could understand better?

Life, death, the size of the universe, the mind of a woman...

30. What did you do last weekend?

Nothing you can prove

31. Who do you miss?

Sarah Hoffman

32. Would you ever do a beauty pageant now?

I would "do" a beauty pageant winner or even most entrants...

33. Orange or apple juice?

kumquat

34. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
My ego

35. Who was the last text message you sent to?
Don't do TM (that's text messaging or transcendental meditation)

36. Last text message you received?

see #35
37. Last time you ate a home grown tomato?
A year ago but it deserved it

38. The most annoying sound in the world?

American Idol contestants

39. Last thing you ate?

my words

40. Last person you hugged?

An irresistible porcupine

41. Who do you hate right now?

Don't do "Hate". Occasionally I do intense loathing

42. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
A very humbling question

43. Do you like someone right now?

I'm always the last to know

44. What are you doing?

Finishing this survey

I may be biased, but are they not adorable?

 DAUGHTER

You can be the smartest supermodel

or the cutest physicist
posing passionate paradoxes
or giving brilliant kisses
you can be a writer, a wrestler
a Barbie doll
a business woman, housewife
or anything at all
‘cause all I want for you to be
is whatever makes you happy
my little girl

I remember when you were a baby

crawling ‘cross the floor
always the apple of my eye
and who I still adore
now you’re growing up so fast
very exciting and yet so sad
I know I shouldn’t live in the past
but I can’t help being your Dad
‘cause all I really ever hope for you
is that your dreams in life come true
my little girl
 10 MODERN COMMANDMENTS

10. Thou shalt not talk on cell phone while driving or in public places such as theaters &
restaurants
9. Thou shalt declare all earnings to the penny on the IRS long form
8. Thou shalt not drive below the speed limit in the fast lane
7. Thou shalt not smoke tobacco anywhere at anytime lest civilization collapse
6. Thou shalt not put spam or viruses on the Internet, nor steal songs by illegal
downloading
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's trophy wife, at least until he gets a new one
4. Thou shalt have no God
3. Thou shalt honor thy lawyer and accountant
2. Thou shalt not say, write or think anything that may be offensive to somebody else
1. Thou shalt recycle and think green thoughts

My lil' sis and I back in the 70's

 THE LORD’S COMMUNIQUE

Our cosmic progenitor, who occupies the choice space

excellent is your rep
your kingdom’s happening, your will’s no problem
on this class M planet, as in dimensions we can hardly fathom
give us this day our whole grain bread
and forgive us our debts, as we strive to maintain credit
and lead us not into litigation, but deliver us from lawyers
for yours is the turf, the muscle and the raves through infinity
right on!

Moseying along with a pigeon at the U Dub

 HEAVEN

No mortal human in their psyche

can know what Heaven's really like
but I imagine and believe
it's nothing like how we conceive
forget your halos, harps and wings
Heaven's not about these things
just fellowship with the Heavenly host
the Father, Son and Holy Ghost
no sex, no drugs or rock n' roll
but you would never find it dull
no famine, pestilence or war
just peace and joy forevermore
no money, gender, class or race
all are equal in this place
no lawyers, laws, no courts or jail
for all our crimes Christ posted bail
no Devil, demons, sin or hate
no evil at all - now ain't that great?!
no philosophy or theology
the ultimate reality
no church, no priests, as a matter of fact
there's no religion - imagine that
in Sunday school we're often told
of heavenly mansions, streets of gold
but none shall care 'bout any of this
compared to everlasting bliss
no hunger, pain, disease or sorrow
don't have to buy, beg, steal or borrow
no need for labor, sleep or food
no one is selfish, mean or rude
no TV's, stereos or books
nobody cares about your looks
no suits, nor ties or Sunday best
no one judges how you're dressed
no media, no hype or blame
no litigation, loss or shame
in congregation of the elect
there's no politically correct
no politics, democracy
no money, credit, property
no violence, anger, greed or crime
no birth or death, no space or time
no schools, no factories or malls
denominations, borders, walls
no deadlines, bills, computers, spam
the lion lies down with the lamb
no pride the mother of all wrong
humility in praise and song
no science, art or literature
no use for these in hearts so pure
no morals, myths or superstitions
no rituals or inquisitions
nobody hurt, depressed or sick
the ills of life forgotten quick
no cynicism, scorn or doubt
for all will laugh and none shall pout
no curse, disdain nor ridicule
or called a liar, failure, fool
corruption and injustice none
the final prize has now been won
spirit, love, fraternity
the children of eternity.
 Three generations of squirrliness

10 THINGS THAT ANNOY GOD

10. Prayers interrupted by call waiting

9. Gets credit for nothing but blame for everything
8. Religion, theology & televangelists
7. Children of Abraham still can't get along
6. Evolutionists won't acknowledge the second law of thermodynamics
5. Gnostic heresies remain popular
4. Text messaging among the Heavenly Host getting out of hand
3. Sales of Bible in Esperanto slow
2. Satan gets credit for all the cool songs
1. The NFL
My Duane Allman look
May 7, 2007 - Monday
60 For Sunday

1.Where's the closest hoodie to you right now?

with or without the blowfish?

2. What restaurant do you think has the Best French Fries?

The Manor House - sweet potato fries oh so decadent

3. When's the last time you played the board game Clue?
Haven't a clue

4. Name 2 or more sports you play/played?

Basketball, Baseball, Volleyball, Ping-Pong, Hide the salami

5. Who did you last get in an argument with?

somebody who was obviously wrong

6. Do you think you could live without your cell phone?

I'll be the last human to actually own a cell phone after the aborigines

7. Where is your dad right now?

Dead

10. How many people do you know of named Adam?

why should I?

11. How about Jessicas?

Who gives a rodents anus?!

12. Do you do your homework?

Not even when I was in school

13. Are you friends with any cheerleaders?

I'd like to be

15. What was the last thing you burnt?

an animal sacrifice
16. Admit it, have you ever gone on a date with someone for their looks?
No beautiful women turn me off

17. Who was the last person you texted?

I'm textless

18. Who the last person you added on My Space?

Jimmy Hoffa

19. What was the last picture you took?

I pay for them!

20. If you could move anywhere, and take one person with you, where and who?
The Taj Mahal with Little Orphan Annie (I dig chicks without pupils!)

21. Number of texts a day?

zap

22. Is your computer slow right now?

Not for an abacus

23. What's the best thing about your job?

It pays me money and lets me keep my teeth

24. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?

Does puke count?

25. Have you ever been in the hospital?

Yes, two broken wrists and for the birth of my two daughters among others

27. Would you date someone that none of your friends like?
Nobody's asking them to date her

28. Does your phone have to be charged every day?

very phone oriented questions

29. When is the last time you held hands with someone?
August 17th 1996 at approximately 7:38 PM
30. If you woke up as the opposite gender, what's the 1st thing you would do?
Probably get a headache

31. Who did you last hug?

daughters

32. Have you ever crawled through a window?

And out of them...

33. Where is your mom?

Olympia Washington

34. Morning or night person?

Might

35. What was the last movie you watched?

Test Patterns For Glory

37. Any cool scars?

just uncool ones

38. Things about the opposite sex you notice first?

left elbow

40. Would you ever dye your hair red?

nyet

41. Last text says?

And they lived happily ever after

42. What career would you wish to be in?

Well paid hedonist

44. Do you want a well-paying job or a job you enjoy?

Right now I have neither but I want both

45. What did you wear today?

A live crocodile
46. When were you last on your phone?
Enough of the phone crap!

47. What were the shoes you wore today?

cheap tennies for work

48. Do you like math?

loathe it

49. Are you currently in a relationship?

Not to my knowledge

50. Do you like hugs?

As foreplay?...

52. Where do you want to go to college?

University of Jupiter

53. Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?
Who told you?!...

54. When is the last time you failed a test?

Everyday presents different tests, some I pass, some I fail

55. Do you regret it?

Naw, was so thrilled I got a boner

56. How many friends do you have on my space?

depends on how you define "friends"

57. What are you planning on doing today?

I'd like to finish this survey

58. What did you do last night?

Slept & played racquetball with a dwarf

59. Do you miss anyone right now?

Why does every survey have this question?!...
60. Are you generally a happy person?
I'm generally a smart-ass

Now that he's asleep there's nobody that can thwart my plan for world domination!...
 AMBITION KILLS

Consider all the tragedies

befall political families
the Ghandi's and the Kennedy's
the destiny of dynasties

Waterdog, Air Force recreational camp with some of my contemporaries

 DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE
HEADQUARTERS 82ND FLYING TRAINING WING (ATC) WILLIAMS AIR FORCE BASE AZ 85240-

REPLY TO ATTN OF:

SUBJECT:

TO-
A Guy Who Wears Funny Looking Uniforms
Finding Your Niche in a Doomed Culture

David Letterman and a Host of Technicians

Yo Dave,
Greetings and sarsaparilla! My name is Venus Mergatroyd
which is Latin meaning "discerner of truth & wisdom who'd someday
like to get in real estate". I'm a soon to be ex-airperson who
when not defending the nations shopping malls likes to cultivate
delusions of an aesthetic empire and chain smoke. Being a true
philanthropist, I was inspired to produce the epic "Verily My
Banana" for the edification of the masses. It's an old
traditional folk song passed down through the family for
generations and now transcribed for future posterity. Being the
sentimental kind of guy, I thought you might like it.
I've magnanimously donated to you a copy of the original
recording and the "
revised lyrics which I plan to record unless given $500,000 in
unmarked bills.
(This offer has been forwarded to various government agencies and
Ed McMahon) So that's the poop, the ball's in your court.
However, I wouldn't suggest you come snooping around with cameras
as I "work" in a building full of high-strung military employees
armed with bad tasting coffee and very sharp paper clips.

VENUS Q. MERGATROYD, SRA, USAF Personal Affairs Peon

AIR FORCE-A GREAT WAY OF LIFE

Give us candy now!
 CALLING NAMES

Cheryl, Sherry, Mary, Marilyn

Teri, Jeri, Kerry, Carolyn
Connie, Bonnie, Wanda, Wendy
Amy, Angela & Cindy
Lola, Lila, Lela, Layla
Shannon, Meagan, Kaye & Kayla
Julie, Joni, Jenny, Sarah
Michelle, Janet, Kate & Tera
Val, Christina, Debbie, Dolly
Tammy, Heather, Heidi, Holly
Dee, Denise, Danielle & Ann
Norma, Kia, Jean & Jan
Sally, Chrissie, Lisa, Claudia
Melanie, Rebbecca, Monica
Robin, Jasmine, Susan, Sharon
Pamela, Kelly & Karen
Rachel, Rhonda, Betty, Brenda
Elizabeth, Bree, Lea & Linda
Janis, Candice, Beatrice, Brittney
Barbara, Andrea & Whitney
Sheila, Tina, Creda, Carla
Patty, Penny, Dawn & Donna
Jackie, De Ann, Diane, Jo Ann
Lana, Louise, Laurie, Lauren
Jessica, Joyce, Jill, Sabrina
Naomi, Nicole & Nina
Shelly, Shirley, Nancy, Sandy
Sonja, Tanya, Nazy, Brandy
Chelsea, Kelsey, Cathy, Maya
Alice, Aria & Rhema
all the girls to love in life
oh to blend them in one wife!
 FILTHY LUCRE

Few rich ever walk through that cold prison door

and not cause they’re morally superior to the poor
but as OJ proved almost anyone can
walk out of court as an innocent man
provided of course, you can pay off their ransom
the suits couldn’t care if you’re Charles Manson
in America only one thing’s invincible
not talent, looks, brains or cunning
‘cause a lawyer wont take your case just out of principle
if you want justice you better have money

money, filthy lucre opens up any door

it’s the only thing that separates the rich from the poor
ain’t it funny how they say it don’t buy happiness
yet it’s always been the way that we measure success
so go ahead and bow to the golden calf
‘cause money is the god of the world

power: the ultimate weapon to engage

but power don’t come cheap in the information age
campaigns need resources, if you hope to win
machine must be fed daily, doctors paid to spin
ads on TV, and statements to the press
the time honored paths to election day success
a well rehearsed smile to show that you care
and campaign contributions to stay in the running
‘cause the media wont give you time just to be fair
if you want power you better have money

chorus:

money it’s the drug of choice

we’re made addicts by it
it’s the universal vice
don’t you dare deny it

‘cause when it comes to legal tender

there’s nothing we wont do
Judas got his thirty pieces
what’s the price for you?
“love”, most abused of words, dare I disparage
those who will say it’s what matters in marriage
women pay lip service to true romance
but the man with the cash is who gets in her pants
“to love and to honor be it rich or for poor”
but when it comes to money every woman's a whore
acquired by the bidder who pays the high price
and that’s just the cold bottom line to it sonny
‘cause women won’t marry you just ‘cause you’re nice
if you want love boy you better have money

filthy lucre, cash that’s cold, mullah, dough, silver and gold, greenbacks, big bucks,
mucho dinero, .etc...
May 7, 2007 - Monday

A Whole Lotta Questions

1. How old will you be in 10 months?

Older than a fruit fly but younger than a redwood

2. Do you think you'll be married by then?

How the hell am I suppose to know?!

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?

Filling out even more surveys like this

4. Who was the last person you called?

Don't remember, too bad I don't keep a phone diary.

5. Who was the last person to call you?

the voices in my head

6. Do you prefer to call or text?

I prefer email

7. Do you have any pets?

My T-Rex fluffy

8. What were you doing at 12am last night?

snoring probably

9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?

Mom alive, both dad & step-dad dead

11. When was that last time you saw your mom?
February 07

12. How many states have you lived in?

4 if you don't count the state of euphoria

13. How many cities/towns have you lived in?

Too many to remember
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
stilts

15. Are you a social person?

No, I'm anti-social

16. What was the last thing you ate?

TV Dinner

17. What is your favorite ice cream?

Abalone & garlic

18. What is your favorite dessert?

Cherry cheesecake

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?

kumquat

21. Do you like coffee?

Require it every morning

22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?

I usually drink it out of a hose

23. What do you drink in the morning?

Coffee, juice

24. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

Depends on whether I actually want to sleep

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

In the middle between my two daughters

26. Do you know how to play poker?

Some, but not that good at it

27. Do you like to cuddle?

I'm a cuddleholic
28. Have you ever been to Canada?
Victoria B.C.

29. Do you eat out or at home more often?

in suspended animation

30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

No, I'm special

32. Do you speak any other languages?

Raving Hyperbole

33. Have you ever gotten stitches?

I've laughed a lot

34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?

No, nor a hearse

35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?

How about a pool viewing the ocean?

36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?

Aisle, I have long legs and need room to stretch

37. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?

Yes, but prefer automatic

38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?

My daughters

39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?

Just this albatross around my neck

40. What is your favorite TV show?

Off

41. Can you roll your tongue?

I can do more than that with it...
42. Who is the funniest person you know?
Everyone is funny in different ways

43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

I sleep with my children and they sleep with stuffed animals

45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
No, nor the innocence

46. What is the color of your bedroom walls?

Fake wood paneling

47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
I brush my teeth with sand

48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?

Couldn't care less

49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?

A big bee

50. Do you flirt a lot?

Whenever possible

51. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Caviar

53. Can you change the oil on a car?

No, the oil was incorrigible

54. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

More than once

55. Do you dance while driving in cars?

No, I ice skate

56. Who are you thinking about?

many people for many reasons
The embryonic stages of "Verily My Banana" - flash cards with assorted phrases & one liners
later compiled, arranged & continuously edited

Do not adjust your picture

 HARRY POTTER'S PET PEEVES

10. Inviability cloak won't work in girl's locker room

9. Not permitted to turn the Dursley's into newts

8. Malfoy spitting in his pumpkin juice

7. Professor McGonagal confiscating his "Witches & Wenches" magazines

8. The Weasley's get all the funny lines

7. Professor Snape's B.O. during potions

6. People leaving scratches on his Firebolt

5. Cho never puts out

4. Hogwart's mandatory urinalysis

3. People touching his lightning scar for good luck

2. Voldemort gets all the hot babes

1. Cleaning owl poop

Winnie The pooh & Rhema Roo
 NETWORK TV

Can’t say fuck and you can’t say shit

can’t show a butt, can’t show a tit
on network TV
but while there’s words you cannot say
indulge in every lame cliche
on network TV
aim for the basest audience
insult viewer’s intelligence
on network TV
seek lowest common denominator
market by demographic barometer
on network TV
canned laughter is asinine
commercials pay the bottom line
on network TV
recycled formats each Fall season
genuflect unto the Nielsen’s
on network TV
nipples you must never see
but murder’s fine, so’s adultery
on network TV
explosion’s good and cleavage great
young males you must titillate
on network TV
give ‘em blood and E.R. trauma
screaming is the same as drama
on network TV
pander to the lifeless creeps
win the annual Winter sweeps
on network TV
and every viewer does their part
‘cause it’s a business not an art
on network TV
The Breeon, the Steevon & the Jason
 MY HUMBLE CHRISTMAS WISH LIST

Anti-gravitation sneakers
Inflatable forest
1927 Packard autographed by Calvin Coolidge
3 tons of mint flavored walrus lard
Matching lobbyists
Electric kazoo with Marshall amp stack
Artificial ignorance
Solar cellphone with magpie ring tone
1 vial of sasquatch lint
Titanium socks
Book "Confessions Of A Cross dressing Druid Statesman" by Elvis Einstein
A generation of wasted potential
Carton of Venison Helper
2 week vacation to an alternate universe
Shot of free will with self control chaser
Rune engraved talisman and hand buzzer
A fresh airline stewardess
Lemon scented Armenian hockey puck
A harem of no small measure
Ionic pillar and flying buttress
Genuine solace
The unused potion of a sportscaster's brain
Ruby encrusted tennis racket
A menagerie of marsupials
Do it yourself colostomy kit
The ability to think lucidly without even trying
Scale model of the Great Wall of China
Analog sound on a compact disc
Mahatma Ghandi's snuff box
Holographic pop up book "The Legend of John Doe"
Serendipity
Music box set "Acid Country Greats"
Reverse polarity key chain
Autographed 1st edition of book "Paris Hilton's Guide to Superstring Theory & Shopping Tips"
Unicorn spleen
The Louvre covered in bratwurst
A woman's prerogative
Propeller from the Titanic
7 Llama's dressed in spandex
A five leaf clover
Commemorative Area 51 tour program
Pocket supercollider
120 pounds of exactly what I'm looking for
Napoleon's lucky rabbit's foot
Dazzle minus the razzle
1903 Honus Wagner & 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle baseball cards
Fillet of endangered species
Book: Quotations of Marcel Marceau
Cutting edge do-hickey
Brilliance without shame
Anthology of Latin Limericks
Osama Bin Laden's ball's in a thimble
Verisimilitude on rye
A weekend in zero gravity with Anne Hathaway
Assorted mollusks
Sheet music to song "The Cockroach That Ate Cincinnati" in braille
Superior top spin
A New state-of-the-art arena for the Seattle Supersonics
Wrist sundial
Radioactive isotopes shaped like bunnies
More than enough justification
Sacred cow or sacred duck
Tribe of Zulu warriors dressed in kilts on stilts
Vat of vintage hair styling gel from Atlantis
Eternal bliss on a silver platter
12 rolls of chartreuse colored wallpaper with trilobite motif
Tripe
Hearst Castle autographed by Orson Welles
Pyramid shaped orgone accumulator
Customized stereo system loud enough to make extraterrestrials cry
30 acres of choice swampland in Honduras
Suffering succotash
Special bonus features DVD "The Care Bears Meet Darth Vader"
Something unusual

It's either a CD or a box of cyanide

May 10, 2007 - Thursday
Another female type survey

01] Do you still have feelings for your ex?

I'll always have "feelings", transitory as those are. You can't marry someone and just disconnect
all you've invested in them

[02] Have you ever been given roses?

No, only thorns

[03] What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

Deep Throat

[04] How many times have you honestly been in love?

I can't honestly say what constitutes "love". There's lots of different interpretation and use/abuse
of that word

[05] Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

That's a stupid, overused term. I believe God may have someone in particular intended for us, but
I doubt many actually ever end up with that person

[07] Have you ever had your heart broken?

Severely bruised

[8] Your thoughts on on line or long distance relationships?

I met my ex through the Internet so I know it can happen. Whether it works or not is another
matter

[9] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?

Yes, but I generally don't impose that on them

[10] Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater?

Everybody has the potential for change, but more accurately would be to say "once a cheater,
usually a cheater"

[11] How many kids do you want to have?

I have 2 and wouldn't mind more

[12] What is your favorite color(s)

blue, purple, plaid
[13] What are your views on gay marriage?
It should not be legalized, but neither should it be criminalized. Everyone should be allowed to
make decisions that affect only themselves, but I don't think it's right to legitimize it either. Gay
"marriage" should not be entitled to the same benefits & status in society as a hetro marriage.
Homosexuality being a dead end is the only thing a Christian and an evolutionist hold in common

[14] Do you believe you truly only love once?

bovine feces

[15] Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?
Highly unlikely

[16] At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?

[17] What song do you want to hear at your wedding?

Under My Thumb - The Rolling Stones

[18] Do you Know someone who likes you?

"like", sure. Beyond that who knows?

[19] Do you like anyone?

Well I don't hate everyone

[20] If so, is that person from your school, church, etc?

could be from anywhere except perhaps the morgue
 REFLECTIONS ON LOVE

(Scene: A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. He sits down on a stool and
the parrot goes down the bar where a female parrot is sitting. A nearby scantily clad
floozy checks him out like prospective prey. The bartender approaches the man)

BARTENDER: What can I get ya?

MAN: A Shirley Temple on the rocks, in a dirty glass

(Bartender spits in a glass and throws a few actual stones into it. Floozy approaches and
sits down next to man)

FLOOZY: Hey stranger, is that a bazooka in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

(Man reaches into his pants and pulls out an actual bazooka)

BARTENDER: (Gives him his drink) Hey buddy, can’t you read the sign?! (Points to
sign behind bar)

SIGN: ATTENTION! This establishment has a zero weapons tolerance. No guns,

knives, truncheons, chains, torpedoes, lasers, swords, arrows, bats, pipes, bombs,
numchucks, slingshots, pea shooters, mortars, missiles, TNT, nuclear explosives, cannon,
chemical agents, hand grenades, catapults, flamethrowers, spears, mace, javelins, broken
bottles, sticks, stones and definitely no bazookas!

(Man hands bazooka to bartender who casually throws it into a large pile of assorted
weapons. Man puts straw in drink up his nose and snorts)

FLOOZY: I like your style. My name’s Gwen, I’m an Aries. What’s your sign?

MAN: Deaf child at play

FLOOZY: Is that a water sign? Doesn’t matter so long as you’re not a Gemini

MAN: I eat raw ninjas for breakfast

FLOOZY: I’ll bet you do, macho guy. You got the right stuff to keep a girl interested. So
what’s your idea of a good time?

MAN: I enjoy reciting Beowulf in Portuguese while dancing naked in a morgue or

delicatessen
FLOOZY: Kinky! It’s rare to find a man with interests outside his career or sports. Now
what about with other people (winks)

MAN: (Pauses - then gets on one knee) Would you by chance care to frolic & cavort with
me in a tall grassy meadow?

FLOOZY: I thought you’d never ask

(He takes her by the hand and they step sideways immediately into a grassy meadow
dancing in various silly ways to the Nutcracker Suite Waltz. In the middle of the song he
swoops floozy down low in his arms and gazes longingly into her eyes, which sparkle.
Cut back to his face as his teeth sparkle in response. Then he abruptly drops her. As you
hear her thud to the ground man stands up, faces camera and begins walking towards it
while speaking a monologue. As he walks towards the camera it moves back at the same
pace as he walks)

MAN: Love sucks! I know that’s a bold statement but I’m fully prepared to back it up.
Throughout the annuls of history love has caused innumerable heartaches, headaches,
ulcers, aneurysms, strokes, nausea, ring around the collar, pain, suffering, wars, rumors of
wars, financial ruin, loss of sleep, severe hair loss,, social strife, cultural upheaval,
disease, death & singles bars. Makes you wanna throw up on a Harlequin Romance
novel!

Love can be summed up as merely a temporary hormonal imbalance used to romanticize

the propagation of the species. Aside from that it serves nobody but lawyers, the
wedding industry, toy manufacturers and sundry insurance salesmen. I mean, what good
can be said for a condition that shortens your life, ruins your health and causes otherwise
rational people to purchase dining room furniture? Does that sound like something to get
all worked up over like these third rate poets, a bunch of frustrated bi-sexuals who
probably have never wrestled a live grizzly bear. And if love is so great, how come it’s
still legal?!

(stops and lights a cigarette)

Extensive empirical tests on laboratory rodents prove conclusively that love is nothing
more than a social conspiracy designed to enslave people into a life of subservient
misery. A sham, a fraud, a lie; fraught with danger, coated in sugar, destined to be the
ruin of us all. And yet fate has perversely ordained that we shall blindly surrender to this
masochistic impulse, this emotional/intellectual fallacy, this puerile delusion regardless
of the ultimate consequences we are doomed to reap. Then again it beats stamp
collecting… So who am I to argue with my hormones, I mean I’d look pretty silly
wouldn’t I?

(Man takes last drag of cigarette, flicks it to the ground and walks sideways out of the
picture which after a short pause suddenly erupts into flame)
The 70's were a very weird decade
May 13, 2007 - Sunday

Another Typical Survey

1. What is a question that people ask you that always gets on your nerves?
Are you using those kidneys?

2. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?

Belly buttons

3. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured?
Being married

4. What number of drinks constitutes your limit?

Depends on the size of the glass

5. Do you fold your underwear?

Fold?! I hardly bother to even put them away

6. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?

Sarah Hoffman

7. Have you fired a gun before?

Yes, but only at non-living targets

8. Name someone you consider a genius.

That Einstein fellow was pretty smart

9. What was your favorite childhood toy?

Young Jihad Martyrs Dirty Bomb Jr. Kit

10. Do you have any pets?

Peeves

11. Have you kept up with American Idol?

I don't care about singers, I care about songwriters

12. Sweetest thing someone you've dated has done for you?
It was consensual you know...

13. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Yes, Summer re-reuns

14. Name a song that makes you happy?

War Pigs - Black Sabbath

15. Name something that made you laugh this week?

Genocide
16. Where was your first kiss?
With or without tongue?

17. List four people you could count on NO MATTER WHAT:

John, Paul, George & Ringo

18. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby would you be able to?
No, but perhaps I could deliver a pizza instead

19. What do you like about being in a committed relationship?

The white suit with really long sleeves & padded room

20. What do you dislike about being in a committed relationship?

Being unable to itch your nose

21. If you were famous, what would you be famous for?

Creator of a new worldwide paradigm which was funny

22. Is marriage in your future?

One never can say what misfortune may befall them

23. What is one thing that could make your life better?
an alternate universe

24. What is on your refrigerator door?

kids pictures

25. Name the closest thing to you that is green.

the slime oozing out of that dead creature

26. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what would it be?
hey schmuck!

27. Name something you have to do tomorrow.

Jog on water

28. Name a movie you are looking forward to watching?

Pirates Of The Caribbean 47
29. Have you ever called 911?
unfortunately, yes

30. Name something you've heard about women that tends to be true:
They're all ruthless mercenaries

31. Do You Own An Ipod?

Somebody has to hold out

32. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?

Roxie And The Friendly Horse

33. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?

Yupperoonie

34. What CD is currently in your CD player?

5 are in there and the CD player is broke so I have to take it apart to get them out

35. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?

Logan Berry

36. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?

If they did would I talk about it here?

37. When was the last time you had Star bucks?
Last time I was in Seattle. They don't have them here

38. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

More like bats

39. What was your last alcoholic beverage?

Absinthe Lite - Tastes bitter, less filling!

40. How is your mood today?

Average to good, slight chance of euphoria, followed by lows in the evening

41. Where was your first kiss with your current significant other?
What other?
42. Who is the friend you can count on the most?
People named Mike generally

43. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?

Soylent Green is made out of people!!!..

44. Do you like anyone right now?

This very second?

45. Do you know anyone who is engaged?

all my friends are sloths

46. What's your favorite number?

Four

47. Who was the last person to make you cry?

Big boys don't cry, they implode

48. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

Yes, but I dug a tunnel and escaped

49. When was the last time you cried?

What's all this crying business, is this a survey by the sensitive poets association?!

50. What is one thing you miss about your past?

Having an unlimited future

51. What is one thing you've learned about life recently?

It's a four letter word

52. Are you jealous of anyone?

why?

53. Is anyone jealous of you?

Could care less

54. Has a friend ever used you?

yes, but I'm recyclable
 The pipe is an excellent accessory for cogitation

THE AESTHETIC EMPIRE 10 SUGGESTIONS

10. Thou should to thy own muse be true and trust thy intuition
9. Thou should laugh often and not take thyself too seriously, for a sense of humor
covers a multitude of sins
8. Thou should be extremely wary regarding "new recordings" of classic songs by the
so-called "original artists", for they inevitably suck
7. Thou should regard the mob with disdain, for the lowest common denominator
equates to mediocrity
6. Thou should remember that inspiration comes in many guises, for one cannot
schedule creativity but merely be receptive to when it calls
5. Thou should not hate the critic, for they are a necessary evil
4. Thou should regard the deal making moguls in the arts & entertainment industry,
who think art merely a profitable product as the most contemptible scum in the universe
worthy of eternal wedgies
3. Thou should strive for originality and avoid cliches like the plague
2. Thou should never scorn thinking as "not working", for it is the highest form of labor
1. Thou should not covet thy neighbor's idea, for it is plagiarism
Don't mock me mommy, someday I'll be the emperator of my own empire...
 HISTORY LESSON

If through time I could meander

through antediluvian splendor
oh the wonders I would see
alive from the pages of history
the pyramids of Egypt’s glory
only tell part of the story
who built the ancient monoliths
to separate truth from the myths
from the comfort of our pews
we hear the tales of the Jews
Moses, David and Abraham
Kings and prophets, promised lands
Saul - chosen by God himself
yet lost favor and all else
Solomon so rich and wise
still was done in by his wives
generals and mighty kings
from legends we learn many things
Alexander called “the great”
but he could not conquer his fate
no power equaled classic Rome
yet Vandals sacked and burned their home
Marco Polo saw mysteries
when visiting the storied East
Lewis and Clark found wilderness
when they explored the virgin West
enlightenment and reformation
from each new arrogant generation
the only constants death and birth
befall all who inhabit Earth
the only constant death and birth
but in between what was it worth?
technology and revolution
the bitter fruit of evolution
from shoulders of the giants tall
watch kingdoms rise and empires fall
disease, upheaval, famine, war
invent, discover and explore
proud creators of civilization
yet man so blind to the realization
that all our progress and achievement
can’t diminish the bereavement
found in the pages of history
the chronicles of vanity.
Formal portrait with hole in pants knee
 YER DECLARATION OF INTENT

When, in the course of humorous events, it becomes necessary for one peon to disparage the
political bums who have alienated him ... Oops! Wrong declaration ...

Let us, instead consider Verily My Banana, a swell, nifty opus which I've generously enclosed
for your inspection/amusement/consternation. An old family folk song passed down orally through
generations, Banana is a fairly unique piece of psychosis. While much of it is of a highly personal
and subjective nature, I also believe it expresses many sentiments of universal appeal (not to say
apoplexy). In these cynical days of marketing product to the lowest common denominator, some
would suggest it incredibly naive, foolish, hopeless, (insert adjective) to entertain any thoughts of
corporate support for something as blatantly unorthodox in form and intellectually challenging, i.e.,
subversive in content ("will it play in Peoria?" "Don't talk concept to me! I have an MBA!").

Yet winning support is precisely what I must do, for without financial, logistical and immoral
support, Banana is certain to die a stillborn death for which the world (not to mention me) will be
infinitely poorer. As a result, I will be forced to resign myself in disgust to a fate of perpetual
drudgery as a disillusioned wage slave in an increasingly sterile and oppressive society (apply
handkerchief). But before allowing myself to succumb to such purgatory, I am at least willing to
make some semi-valiant attempt to initiate awareness of my existence among select kindred spirits. It
is my sincerest delusion to somehow produce my concept independent of those brilliant corporate
taste makers; to seize the beast by the balls, establish an attitudinal precedent and fulfill my density.
Any advice, suggestions, kudos, constructive criticism or fervent hosannas welcome. Below are my
simple, logical and keenly pragmatic objectives towards achieving world conquest and shorter skirts.
Pretentious? Certainly! But pretension is an artistic prerogative. So it is with great boner that I offer
the following scenario as my plan of action:

1. Obtain financial, technical, legal and divine assistance necessary to implement production of
Banana audio/video project.

2. Create, acquire and assemble extensive catalog of various ambient sounds and effects samples
including the missing chord. Break for lunch. Record Banana in state-of-the-art, digital, multi-track
recording studio hopefully utilizing revolutionary holographic sound technology and sundry
stimulants (I already have a producer/musical co-conspirator). Banana's musical form will be every
bit as bizarre and unorthodox as its lyrics, but then what did you expect, a string quartet? It will be a
truly surreal aural collage composed of a diverse variety of musical instruments recorded both
forwards and backwards; a swirling pastiche of complex sound textures weaving in and out of the
mix in a mind-boggling sonic souffle guaranteed to cure autism! Forget your standard production
dogmas; its arrangement will employ extreme dynamics adhering to no known musical dictums but
the muse (mine!). This is by no means to suggest that it will be merely a bunch of random noise.
Nosiree, it will be carefully crafted, internally consistent noise, albeit very strange. Once recorded,
mixed and sprinkled with holy water, it should be approximately 15 minutes in length and
immeasurable in depth (serve with red or white wine).

3. Create video whose components will be hundreds of individual short segments utilizing the whole
spectrum of existing film styles and techniques (and a few we'll invent): color, B&W, computer
 animation, claymation, holographic 3D, slick techno, mock amateur, etc. I consider myself primarily
a visual, right-brain artist, so the video I hope to make even more interesting, humorous and altered-
state inducing than the audio. The images will primarily--though not exclusively-feature myself in
various incongruent garb and locations correspondent (most of the time) to what's being said in each
particular line. This affords the opportunity for multiple quick cuts in the editing--all the better to
hold the ever-decreasing attention span of the MTV generation. The stream-of consciousness style of
Banana lends itself particularly well to this approach, especially considering the regressing literacy
of today's youth who figure to be the primary demographic target. However, I point out that
intellectual ability is not really critical since the combination of words, visual images and sounds
should produce a compound, synergistic effect sufficient to both convey the message and keep it
entertaining for even the densest of dudes. It even has potential crossover appeal: Baby Boomers,
X'ers, alienated youth, stoners, intellectuals, non-conformists, subversives, the avante garde,
aesthetes, misanthropes, misogynists, cynics, philosophers, film auteurs, anyone with an ounce of
humor, or those who simply wish to annoy their parents.

4. Film additional low-budget material for inclusion in "The Aesthetic Empire Home Video." While
Banana will be the centerpiece, other segments filling out the video will include various sardonic
sketches, existential monologues, strange interludes, Empire hyperbole and maybe even a skewed
poem or song (not to mention the true secret of the Illuminati!). After completing the editing and
packaging of the video, we come to the final stage of how to market it, and naturally I favor a guerrilla
methodology. Since this is obviously a not-yet-ready-for-the-mainstream project, I propose that
instead of using the traditional theater/mass media hype formula (even if available), a more low-key
approach would, in the long run, be both more cost effective and productive. Limit theater release, if
any, to hip midnight head establishments and channel promotional budget into advertising in
appropriate periodicals read by the sort of people most likely to appreciate this brand of humor (basic
target marketing). Permit video to be purchased by mail order and in select video/CD outlets. Focus
on college towns and cosmopolitan cities. Allow message to spread via informal networks, rag
journals, word of mouth, telepathy. Let it build momentum gradually, organically seeping up to the
mainstream before the critical reactionaries have a chance to issue the inevitable denouncements. By
that time, their criticism will only serve to enhance its underground credibility (what is the sound of
one tooth gnashing? .. )

5. Sit back and gleefully watch the feces strike the air conditioning.

6. Exploit controversy while carefully avoiding media saturation (a little notoriety never hurt sales).
Deny everything. Maintain financial/artistic autonomy at all costs. Transcend business. Expand
Empire network with newsletter, happenings, books, posters, clothes, art, monolithic montage
machines, Empire party house, extemporaneous phenomena, badges, action figures, secret handshakes
and breakfast cereals culminating in the manifestation of the Aesthetic Empire in all its crass glory-
Rah, Rah, Dis-Boom-Bah!

Far fetched? Ludicrous? Clinically insane? They once said the same thing to the man who
invented Velcro, but if not for this visionary, where would we be now?! Surely the merits of such a
humble yet brilliant plan are self evident! I therefore beseech thee for valuable critical input and/or
generous monetary contribution for which you will receive my eternal gratitude and a personally
autographed copy of the Aesthetic Empire's "Ten Suggestions" suitable for framing. So quit being a
bourgeois pud! Read Banana and reply to: A.E. HQ, P.O. Box 527, Issaquah, W A 98027 (I live in a
tent on a mountain, so I have no phone. Hey, an empire has to start somewhere). Tons of thanks,
arriva-Deutsch. Be fruitful and carry the decimal point ...
VENUS B. MERGATROYD

Sultan of Hyperbole
King of Kinetic Cogitation
Grand Vizier of Holistic Studies
Chief Visionary, Dept. of Subversive Affairs
Mutant Pipe Monger, Resident Wit, Critic At Large
Imperator, Bi Czar, Magnum Primi
Aesthetic Empire H. Q.

P.S. Primitive but charming demo tape of Verily My Banana available upon request or threat of
lawsuit.

I seem to have owned a lot of U2 T-shirts over the years (1987 Final two shows of Joshua Tree Tour–
Sun Devil Stadium)
may 15, 2007 - Tuesday
.>

Guy Confessions

I have watched porn:Of course

I have played/cheated on a girl:nope

Ive slept naked:sure

Ive drank because of a girl:not really

I currently have a girlfriend:not that I'm aware of

I'm cocky:in some ways

Ive acted like a man whore:I wish

Pamela Anderson is hot:well I wouldn't throw her out

The whole "if a guy has big feet" thing is true:Don't know, but I wear 12

I've messed around with a cheerleader:lusted after

I shave my hair down there:not even

I've danced around naked:define "dance"

I've skinny dippedYup. Nude beach too

Ive snuck out to meet girls:Naw

I don't need a girl to please me:Need, no. Like, sure

I've snuck a girl in my room:uh huh

Girls suck:One hopes anyway

I've fooled around in a truck:Just a car

I have gotten road head:I like to concentrate when I drive

Ive been hit on in public:Yeah, I guess

I've gone commando:I don't have any BDU's

I turn myself on:hubba, hubba

I've asked a girl for her number who I just met:too shy

I cheated on my girlfriendnope

I've masterbated:releases are necessary

I've taken dirty pictures of myself:don't think so

My penis is too big:It can never be

My penis is too small:I've had no complaints

I have my tongue pierced:Kill the trendy scum!

I have a tattoo:I refuse to succumb

All else aside, Kaye has always had a great smile

 JEZEBEL

Jezebel, you’re the queen of Hell

see the river run, but the water’s not pure
no Jezebel, only time will tell
if I’ll be redeemed, but I’m really not sure

Oh Jezebel, when you cast your spell

work your charms at night, never see the day
yo Jezebel, you’re a man’s death knell
once he’s in your bed he will never get away

Get away, get away, just as fast as I can

mistress of darkness, queen of the underworld
it really no mystery that throughout human history
woman is the bane of man
from Madonna to Eve, using sex to deceive
Jezebel you know no shame, to love or lie is all the same
you mesmerize by candlelight, repaying every wrong for right
oh Jezebel you evil witch
you hellish whore, you callous bitch
you bait the trap, you make the kill
feel no remorse, you never will

Woe Jezebel, no soul to sell

your magic, clothes and your heart are black
oh Jezebel, but you wear it well
for victims are a thing you will never lack

So Jezebel, you’re a femme fatale

has there never been a time you ever thought twice?
no Jezebel, just an angel who fell
but don’t you know sin has a very steep price?
woe Jezebel, oh Jezebel, Jezebel

fade:
Potent Green Carbuncle Leverage Imposturating Royally Random
Concubine Poses And The Meter's Running
Blather on oh noble Mergatroyd
lend credence to the cause of your ignominious
choosing and choosy choosers are pretty petty
especially in the clutch;
they don't care how long your anti-antiperspirant works, but
I do I'm sensitive.
Those callous cadavers! They should try
to be a little more humble, more humble like
I and I for I and tooth for dentures
three strikes for an out is unfair - so there!
But be unreasonable, after all she is your
mother and you shant deny it even if you try
lest the stars begin to cry
and extinguish themselves.
Oh but you rave so approximately my sweet nadir
like the song of a buzzard in flight in a
blizzard searching for rhema and California.
Cherish rare naivete
and if you have some give it to me!
Forever be spiffy, have choice, but
why? My seasons sorrow draweth nigh
and you and you and always you say nothing but a
sigh. I'm not finished!
You reek of mortal
destiny sauteed in all
your apathy
my cheeky vernacular leaves you cold
not much of a chore - or so I'm told.
Ever wonder what makes you wonder why?
Rip out your roots and ride the
dragonfly and here is an offer you
cannot ignore
you're yours all yours for now and forever bore.
I offer my incongruities, but don't take it for granted.
I'll just be alibi myself, goodbye, the best that money
can go ahead and leave me now I'll take it like a man.
No I lied, please wait but one infallible moment
here and here and here and only here
for nowhere else is even near!
I mean, I don't mean what you think I mean
and if I did you'd be the last to know - but
woe alas I see you're already gone, very well
I say so verily I too must ramble on and on my
way.
The time is ever so ripe and is for shunning rude and
crude still, carrots never hibernate regardless of their
mood. And if you say you do not care
it only shows your fault - not
rare but if you quit these vain
gyrations desist from all your
provocations
I might forgive your err.
So make mine quadruple explosions make
noise and people make whoopie make girls
and boys I'll make up my mind as I make up
this poem
to search for the place where the grizzly mice
roam and if I knew do you think I'd care?!
May 21, 2007 - Monday
Stevenusology

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?

A. Cream of Endangered Species

Q.What is your favorite fast food restaurant?

A. Binge & Purge

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

A. Sal's Greasy Spatula

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?

A. 14.3%

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick off of?
A. Non spoiled

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?

A. Muscrat & Dandelion

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?

A. Buffalo chips

Q. What is your favorite type of gum?

A. Sturgeon

TECHNOLOGY
Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone?
A Classified, I'd have to shoot you

Q. Number of contacts in your email address book?

A. not nearly enough to know better

Q. How many televisions are in your house?

A. 1
BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

A. lefty and proud of it!

Q. What's your best feature?

A. For intimate or non intimate occasions?

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

A. Alien implant

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?

A. sense of ludicrous

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?

A. Wouldn't you like to know?

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?

A. Anthology of Existentialism & Other Depressing Thoughts

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

A. Been knocked enlightened

BULL[CRAP]OLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Sure, then instead of taking a sick day I could call in dead

Q. Is love for real?

A. surreal

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Your Exhaultedness

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?

A. Chrome

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?

A. A Cadillac
Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. I've probably ruined a few

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?

A. Perhaps when I wasn't looking

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Naked, singing, & dancing for a whole mile

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?

A. Not French kiss

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000
A. No, they're needed for certain chords

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?

A. In a heartbeat

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?

A. With their animal of choice

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

A. So long as I could also drink a whole bottle of Pepto Bismol

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Human life is priceless, although some lives are more priceless than others

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?

A. No problemo

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?

A: A unicorn, hey how'd that get in there?!...
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: Yes, a cinematic masterpiece surpassing Citizen Kane - in my subjective opinion

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?

A: Moss

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?

A: Jumping jacks

Q: Could you live with roommates?

A: Could they live with me?

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

A: None, sad to say

Q: Where were you born?

A. In a hospital

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

A: For some peculiar reason they seemed to object to my unauthorized bank withdrawal

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?

A: Emperator of my own dimension

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8

A: I'm numberless

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to?

A: Brianna

Q: Last person you called?

A: Brianna

Q: Person you hugged?

A: My daughters

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number?
A: 4

Q: Color?
A: Blue

Q: Season?
A: Spring

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: No everyone is accounted for

Q: Mood?
A: Frequently

Q: Listening to?
A: Swamp cooler

Q: Watching?
A. This screen

Q: Worrying about?
A: Existential dilemmas

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?

A: bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?

A: Be pampered by a horde of servile concubines

Q: What's the last movie you saw?

A: Rocky 6,419
Q: Do you smile often?
A: No, hurts my lips

Q: Are you a friendly person?

A: Don't push me

Q: Now that the surveys done what are you going to do?
A: After this everything else is anti-climatic

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

Chillin' in an office at the Off-Campus School

 10 REASONS PAUL MCCARTNEY FEELS OPTIMISTIC

10. Beatles sales still earn more than GNP of most third world countries
9. With John & George dead he can now get Ringo to do his bidding
8. Pot much better now than it was in the day
7. If he marries J..K. Rowling their combined assets would enable him to finally fulfill
dream of buying Britain
6. Michael Jackson's career not getting any better
5. Consistently voted world's cutest grandfather
4. Having already been knighted there's still the possibility of sainthood
3. Mad cow disease gives him reason to feel smug about his vegetarianism
2. Yoko Ono backs down on threat to cover "Yesterday"
1. Still has his hair

The Beatles always make me happy – Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

 GHOSTS
You see them each day, the throwaway people
out on the streets of the city
others walk by, but few meet their eye
pretend they’re not there, much less pity
some of them beg, some talk to themselves
others just walking to nowhere
they’ll sleep on the sidewalk, soon they will die
alone and nobody will care

they were somebody’s baby, daughter or son

a mother or father, but now they are none
somebody’s husband, somebody’s wife
but then something happened to mess up their life

Bob was a businessman, had a good life

a mortgage, a wife and three kids
but business got bad and he lost all had
fast on the road to the skids
there were hospital bills, and legal debts too
fighting ‘cause money was tight
as the pressure increased then so did his drink
until she divorced him and put out his light

Helen married young, stayed at home with the kids

never finished her school education
doctors gave her pills for her various ills
then she supplemented her medication
speed and cocaine, then finally crack
her husband ran off with his secretary
then the state took her kids ‘cause they found her unfit
and now she has no sanctuary (chorus)

people call them drunk, call them addict or bum

say they’re a loser, say they are scum
“go get a job”, “why don’t you clean up your act”?
but when you hit bottom it’s hard to get back

Bob spent his days begging coins on the street

Helen in a car turning tricks
filling the holes of their desolate souls
doing what it takes for their fix
Bob was found dead in a back alleyway
Helen in a hotel room blue
their bodies were cremated John and Jane Doe
don’t think that it can’t happen to you (Chorus)
 Hey Uncle Kyle will you buy us Disneyland?

May 25, 2007 - Friday

One more survey
1. Are you smiling?
on the inside

2. When is the last time you met someone new?

do you mean meet, encounter, see, become friends with, have lunch with, taken to bed?...

3. What is irritating you now?

some of the questions in these surveys

4. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets

Depends on the who's playing

5. Do you drink beer?

No I mainline it
6. Do you have any friends who are famous?
Vaguely infamous

7. Are you any good at poker?

Why should I tell you?

8. What do you want?

only the impossible

9. Are you tired?

I suppose I get enough sleep, but I still feel tired

10. Last spoken words you heard?

"if you are captured eat this document"

11. Have you ever kissed anyone named John?

No, nor Joan

12. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?
My daughters

13. Coke or Pepsi?

Fruit juice

14. Have a crush on someone?

perpetually

15. Do you have a best friend?

lots of different best friends

16. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?

nay - do you enjoy being hit in the mouth?

17. Taco Bell or McDonald's?

McTaco

18. Are you restless?

Ambivalent
19. Is your computer a laptop?
I could put it on my lap, but it would be bulky

20. What does your bedroom look like?

Federal disaster area

21. How many my space views do you have?

As many as necessary

22. Want to be a princess?

No, I look terrible in a tiara

23. Do you believe dreams come true?

I believe in delusions

24. Last song you heard?

The sound of crashing dreams

25. Do you like Batman?

we're just casual acquaintances

26. Who is in the room with you?

Nematodes

27. What are you wearing on your feet?

Pineapples

28. What is/are your favorite pair of shoes?

Platform soles with live canaries in them

29. Who was the last person you told you loved them?
That's confidential

30. What was the last thing you ate?

A wildebeest on a bun

31. What were you doing before this?

Listening to the Llama song
32. What is the closest item near you that is blue?
The Rolling Rock logo on my beer bottle

33. How old do you want to be?

old enough to know better

34. What instant messaging service do you use?

Yahoo but I'm considering Yippy

35. What is your favorite website?

My Space, until I have my own website

36. Who's house did you go to last night?

I didn't steal anything I swear!

37. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants?

Armor

38. What is the last movie you watched?

Spiderman 379

39. What do you currently hear right now?

The sound of silence

41. When did you last take a shower?

yesterday, I swear!

42. Where's your favorite place to be?

in my imagination

43. Have you ever heard of the band Our Lady Peace?
no, but if you hum a few bars I'll try to fake it

44. Who do you go to for advice?

my invisible friends

45. Where do you sleep?

In a casket
46. Where do you shop the most?
Little Shop Of Whores

47. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

took it off a dying man

48. What are you wearing?

avocado

49. Where was your default My Space picture taken?

Inside an active volcano

50. Why did you pick your background?

It was there

51. When was the last time you had sex?

Wouldn't you like to know?

52. Are you happy with where you are?

Everything's a mixed bag

53. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is OK?
In games or in sex?

54. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Don't know, depends on a lot of variables

55. Have you ever talked about marriage with someone before?
Not only talked, but did it

56. Do you want something you can't have?

Chronically

57. Do you believe love at first sight exists?

Perhaps, but usually it requires multiple sightings

58. Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?

As if men had any choice
59. Do you believe that you can change someone?
Only their diapers

60. Would you ever consider getting engaged or married right now?
Never say never

SIX LASTS:
1. Last beverage: beer
2. Last phone call: her
3. Last instant message: her again
4. Last e-mail: can't recall
5. Last annoyance: let me count the ways
6. Last text message: don't do it

FIVE YOU EVERS:

1. Dated someone twice: sorta kinda
2. Kissed someone & regretted it? hard to say
3. Lost someone special?: of course
4. Been depressed: breathed oxygen?
5. Gone skinny dipping: yes

YOU'RE GIVEN $200 TO GET FOUR PIERCINGS WHAT ONES DO YOU GET:
wooden stakes in a vampires heart

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Blue
2. Purple
3. Dark matter

LIST TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. sign my will
2. Climb Everest in a tutu
 Aria Jenae embraces the feline way

FYI

(Scene: Perky blonde tour guide is giving a tour with characteristic enthusiasm)

GUIDE: Thank you and that concludes our tour of the facilities. We sincerely thank you all for visiting
"St. Buffy's Academy Of Advanced Cheer leading And School Spirit". Are there any questions?

MAN IN GROUP: Yes, I have a question. If a hypothetical space ship were approaching a black hole,
how much acceleration thrust would be required to break the quantum singularity's gravitational pull once
said ship had passed the event horizon?

GUIDE: (pauses - completely blank expression on her face, then speaks with calm authority) Well if we
assume that once past the event horizon nothing, not even light can escape the gravitational pull of a black
hole; then the correct answer is that no amount of thrust will be sufficient to escape the vortex, ergo said
ship and it's crew would ultimately be torn apart and compressed into subatomic oblivion. Any other
questions? Great! Now if you will all follow me, refreshments have been provided in the guest lounge. We
also have brochures for anyone wishing to learn more about St. Buffy's Academy...
Mickey Mouse ears or Princess Leia starter kit
 RANT #47

Once was a dreamer, but now I don’t dare

there doesn’t exist a more dangerous snare
I don’t make promises ‘cause I can’t guarantee
what the future may hold for you or for me
go ahead and make predictions if you care.

You know that the saint’s ain’t famous as sinners

and history’s always written by the winners
coerced into heaven, seduced into hell
anything can happen it’s too early to tell
give me a break in life we’re all beginners.

Many I’ve met are those who would change me

so many people who just want to save me
they have the “truth”, or so they say
and of course their’s is the “only way”
if I disagree will you think that I am crazy?

They say “just ask and you shall receive”

and all you must do is sincerely “believe”
so does that mean like a bird I could fly
if only by flapping my arms to the sky?
I’ll give it a try if only by flight I can leave

Wasting of life is the greatest crime

you know I’m not living I’m just passing time
‘cause I wanna thrive, not just survive
there’s more to living than staying alive
if only I could learn how to do it without a dime.

I’m not good enough to sound like someone else

can’t be a spokesman for anyone but myself
I work hard to find the easy way out
I’m born again but full of doubt
I think It’s starting to affect my mental health

Discontent inherent in the human race

regardless of the situation, time or place
for even if we could achieve
the lofty ideals we conceive
surely we would just aspire
to something bigger, faster, higher.
 Pimp my ride. Chrysler K car before it went through three transmissions

Oh the shame!
1. Is sex best morning afternoon or night?
Men are at their sexual peak in the mornings when they're well rested, though we'll take it
whenever we can

2. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

middle

3. Pork, Beef, or Chicken?

cheerleader

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke
Yes, food poisoning

5. What leg do you put in pants first when pulling them up?
I jump into both simultaneously

6. Candles or Incense?
witch
7. Do you dance when no one is watching?
I've yet to be caught

8. Did you play doctor when you were little?

Once I remember, first time I saw a girls naked butt

9. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

I hardly get a chance for free

10. Stove top cooking or microwave?

funeral pyre

11. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?

mind

12. Shower or bath?

dry clean

15. Mexican or Chinese?

Mongolian

16. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

alive

17. Do you love someone on your top friends?

Impossible to say

18. Do you own sex toys?

just the one between my legs

19. Corn Dog or Hot Dog?

Black Dog

20. Your favorite restaurant?

The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe

21. What did you have for lunch today?

No food yet, just adrenaline
22. Which do you prefer, iceberg or romaine lettuce?
romaine didn't sink the Titanic

23. When did you last fall down?

metaphorically speaking, all the time

24. Have you ever wished someone were dead?

perhaps in severe temporary agony

25. Love or Money?

You can't have the first without the second

26. Credit Cards or cash?

Gold bullion

27. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't?
at times, but generally nah

28. Oreos or Vanilla Wafers?

why are these surveys Oreo obsessed?!

29. How do you like your steak cooked?

writhing in agony

30. How do you like your eggs?

oblong

31. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?
mostly just verbal jousts

32. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?

Never heard of a 5 star camp

33. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?

sexual ecstasy

34. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)
Only if I was an Olympic swimmer
35. Would you rather have head lice or an STD?
lice you can get rid of

36 What is your favorite candy?

The happy stewardess

37) Ever been to a strip club?

An Amish strip club

38) Ever been to a bar?

oh yeah, especially sports bars

39) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

tickled out

40) Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

If I was I don't remember it

41) Kissed someone of the same sex?

relatives, not sexually

42) Thrown up from drinking too much?

prayed to the porcelain deity

43) Had sex in the car?

heh, heh, heh

44) Had sex at the beach?

I wish

45) Had sex in a movie theater?

only during previews

46) Had sex in a bathroom?

see 43

47) Had sex at work?

Only as my job required
48) Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
well I am an adult

49) Bought something from an adult store?

it was a gift...

50) Have you spent over $200.00 in one visit to the adult store?
nay

51) Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Absolutely

52) Have you been caught having sex?

Never convicted

53) Have you ever kissed a stranger?

define stranger

55) Does anyone have naughty pics of you?

if they do they haven't attempted blackmail yet

Yes I'll take these two children, I believe they were a special two for the price of one
 DISPOSABLE DADS

Work and pay until you die

then say goodbye, just say bye
struggle hard to scrimp and save
but you ain’t nothing but a slave
you give your blood, you give your sweat
but she cares more about her pet
‘cause women only value men
based on how much they can spend
and like an ant without a dream
you’re just a cog in some machine
perform your duty, do your chores
pay your taxes, fight in wars
give your all and do your best
then die of cardiac arrest

disposable dads, expendable men

I said it before and I’ll say it again
in peacetime must be sensitive
in war time must be fighters
and all the time we have to be
financial providers
get taken to court or thrown into jail
if you step out of line or otherwise fail
the only reason they even want us around
is to work till we’re six feet underground
(then they can collect the insurance)
that’s why a dad is only an “e” away from dead
 I WANNA BE HAPPY

I’m not a normal guy

but in my heart I try
to giving my best
each day is a test
living life seems so hard
gotta be on your guard
and ready to fight
it just don’t seem right

I always hope for good

but things just turn out bad
why does pursuing dreams
always make me sad
I wanna be happy
like everybody else
seems like it’s the hardest thing to do

Everyone makes mistakes

sometimes we get the breaks
sometimes you must pay
and not get your way
so each day resolve to win
the battle I fight within
for victory starts
in the field of our hearts

chorus

There’s no point in whining or in making excuse

there’s no profit giving blame
you’ll get nowhere talking like “what is the use”?
“what a pity, what a shame”

No one said life is fair

we all have our cross to bear
it may seem unjust
but go forward we must
yet still I wonder why
we struggle till we die
when my time has passed
hope I’m happy at last

chorus: fade
 I find the Northern Titmouse strangely erotic

May 28, 2007 - Monday

If captured, eat this survey

Are you taller than your mom?

by a good 8 inches at least

what color is your car?

was white once

What is the closest thing to you that is red?

my blood

What is your ring tone?

Incendiary

Are you sick?

some have suggested it
What color is your favorite pillow?
gee that's important

What is your favorite video game?

Pong

Had a nap today?

I wish

Gold or Silver?
Titanium

Is there an animal that creeps you out?

two headed sasquatch

Who was the last person you rode an elevator with?

I didn't demand ID

Did you go ice skating as a kid?

prefer water skating

Ever have stitches?

I'm not a rug

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?

fruit drinks of any sort

What's something you want to do before you die?

live

Have you ever caught something on fire?

toast

Have you ever seen a ghost?

they don't believe in me

Have you ever seen the northern lights?

my screen saver
Do you know how to use chop sticks?
when necessary

Name something good that happened today.

I woke up

What room are you in?

A white padded one

Are you worried about something you can't control?

I'm not a control freak

Do you take daily medication?

Prozac, Ibuprofen, multi-vitamin, & LSD

Ever been in a fight?

I've slain a few dragons, but it's nothing to brag about

Are you wearing nail polish?

inside my nostrils

favorite color?
Deep Purple

Inni or Outi {bellybotton people}?

Inni with 3 prong adapter

Ever used a Ouija board?

No and I never intend to

Sweet or Sour?
SWOUR

Sun or Moon?
for what?

What shoes did you wear today?

Dutch wooden shoes with anti-gravity soles
Favorite eye color of the opposite sex?
Orange

Favorite zombie movie?

Night Of The Living Insurance Salesman

Time of day you were born?

7:30 am

Do you know your blood type?

we're just casual acquaintances

What would you spend 5000 dollars on right now if you were handed it?
Wall to wall squid

Name something annoying in public transit?

no personal hot tubs

Did you grow up in the city or country?

Burbs

Would you ever consider going on a reality tv show if offered a large sum of money?
I'd do a surreality show

Have you flown in your dreams?

no, I had to take the bus

You have 10 dollars to spend in the dollar store..what do you get?

Diamonds, rubies, emeralds & assorted gemstones

Slurpee flavor?
Avocado
 Gee I wonder how the Powerpuff Girls smell things without noses...

10 REASONS KIDS WISH THEY WERE ADULTS

10. Can smoke & drink legally

9. Can drive and with less expensive insurance
8. Don't have to eat vegetables
7. Can watch R & X rated movies
6. Old people don't pinch you on the cheek and call you "child"
5. Fully developed breasts and body hair
4. No school or homework
3. Can stay up as late as you want and not get grounded
2. Can leave your room as messy as you like
1. No acne
Last (only) year of Senior League, Sunnyvale CA. Got only one hit all year, but it broke
up Joey Pauly's perfect game in the last inning of the last game. Yet Joey still
congratulated me gracefully after the game when anyone else would have been pissed.
Joey Pauly was always a class act
 MR. CLEAN

Down the street lives Mr. Clean

his yard always immaculate
a lawn that looks like a putting green
but are you happy, Mr. Clean?
In the driveway stands Mr. Clean
washing up his trophy car
polished to the brightest sheen
but are you happy Mr. Clean?

Suburban man is Mr. Clean

his house is painted, it’s windows shine
he’s got a mortgage just obscene
but are you happy Mr. Clean?
Mr. clean I see your pride
on neighborhood display
show all you have, oh what a scene
but are you happy Mr. Clean?
someday your car a pile of rust
your lawn long gone to seed
like you your house return to dust
a home for growing weeds

Her home a showroom Mrs. Clean

everything in its place
keeps it spotless and dust free
but are you happy Mrs. Clean?
A sterile temple for Mrs. Clean
her furniture covered in plastic
take off your shoes, touch nothing please
now are you happy Mrs. Clean?
Polish everything Mrs. Clean
your fittings shine like a mirror
in the reflection what do you see?
are you happy Mrs. Clean?

Mrs. Clean, how efficient you are

“oh what a nice place you have”
work hard everyday to perfect your display
but are you happy Mrs. Clean?
Someday your fittings nothing but rust
and all your clean glass shattered
like you your home shall return to dust
and to the winds be scattered
A Get To Know me Survey

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? St. Stephen, the apostle who got stoned

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

I had my tear ducts removed

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Hate it. Only use it for my signature which is more a
scrawl

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Panda

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Two lovely daughters who I beat daily

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'm already my
best friend

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Fluently

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yep. Call me sentimental

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure, into a vat of jello

10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Colonel Crunch

11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope, I use Velcro straps.
Once you gone Velcro you can never go back

12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Except in the presence of kryptonite

13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Lima Beans & Cream

14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Shoulder blade

15.RED OR PINK? I have pleasant associations concerning pink and feminine anatomy

16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? Still haven't
mastered turning base metals into gold

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Do people get a commission for asking this question?

18.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Naw, I just send it to whoever
sent it to me

19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? What difference does it make?!

20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Fillet of Nun

21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Biker gang doing Gregorian chants in the
front yard

22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I'd aspire to be a pastel

23.FAVORITE SMELLS? see question #15

24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? God. He called collect

25.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes and for sending me this I have
made them the primary beneficiary of my will

26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Transvestite mud wrestling

27.FAVORITE HAIR COLOR? Brown

28.FAVORITE EYE COLOR? Green

29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, glasses for driving

30.FAVORITE FOOD? Brontosaurus

31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Crappy endings

32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Last original question you asked

33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Yawn

34.SUMMER OR WINTER? In Arizona I prefer Winter

35.HUGS OR KISSES? Doggy style

36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Strawberry tart with less rat

37.MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Henry Kissinger

38.LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Don't care

39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Velcro

40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? the mouse

41.WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Crap

42.FAVORITE SOUND? Stratocaster cranked through a Marshall Amp

43.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones are Great (seen them twice in concert) but The
Beatles are my most fab band

44.WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Delta Quadrant

45.DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I lie creatively

46.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Pasadena California, home of the Rose Parade, Rose Bowl &
Van Halen

47.WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING? God's

 Aria emotes
TEENY SHOPPERS

Tunes for tots

music for minors
who calls the shots
the culture designers

market demographics
knows what it means
how to make product right
for angst ridden teens

syncopated synth grooves

synchronized dance moves
only thing pop/disco proves
in commerce teeny shoppers rule
teenage boy bands
of corporate design
safe for consumption
and bottom line

bottle blonde sirens

puberty tease
show a little navel
bring boys to their knees

born with CD’s and computers

children of the baby boomers
paint by number youth rebellion
generation of consumers

Rhema catches saber tooth butterflies

June 9, 2007 - Saturday
Tiger Beat

Read this or u will b scarred 4 life....................

*Did you know kissing is healthy

So imagine what sex does for you?

*Bananas are good for cramps

among other uses

*It's good to cry

It's better to laugh

*Chicken soup actually makes you feel better

But not the chicken

*94% of boys would love it if you sent them flowers

So long as it's not poison Oak

*Only apply mascara to your top lashes

Then the bottom lashes will develop a inferiority complex

*It's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you!
Got that right wench!

*89% of guys want YOU to make the 1st move

Then it's not considered rape

*Chocolate will make you feel better! (does that even need to be stated?)
Then chocolate must be made illegal!

*Most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.
But even cuter when you say the wrong thing naked
*A good friend never judges.
They consult their lawyer first

*Boys aren't worth your tears

Just your unquestioned adoration

*More boys than girls are going to look at this bulletin

We're more horny

*We ALL love surprises!!

Is that so?....

*Now.... make a wish!

What are the ingredients?

Wish REALLLLLLY hard!!!

the veins in my neck are exploding

WISH WISH WISH WISH

***

**

*
Congratulations!!

Your wish has just been received

So...

repost this with the title *for teenage girls eyes ONLY* in the next 15 mins
and...Your wish WILL BE GRANTED

So long as I'm not prosecuted for it

Behold, a Radio Shack TRS-80! This most ancient of personal computers bears a statement on
its side that reads: "To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer"
 SOURCES

Once people learned from the wise elders in their midst

those in the tribe, village, town or their family
wisdom derived from a lifetime experience
has now been replaced by a mass media-ocrity

I read it in a book, I saw it on TV

I heard it in a song and now it’s part of me
I found it in the paper, or a magazine
a movie or the Internet just what does all this mean?

Are we computers, the sum of our programming

and are we downloading a software of quality?
looking about seems like garbage in - garbage out
what does it say ‘bout the new aristocracy?

chorus:

Overloaded. saturation
too much to receive
exposed to all this information
what can I believe?

Antidotes for tedium

No time to reflect
And yet it’s not the medium
But message I reject

attitudes forged in the smelter of evil times

traced from the template of new relativity
why be amazed by the darkness across the land
when no one assumes any responsibility

chorus:

what is the source?

what is the source?

repeat - fade:
 It's my party and I'll be cross eyed if I want to...

10 REASONS ADULTS WISH THEY WERE KIDS

10. You can drive your parents crazy instead of your kids doing it to you
9. Discount admissions
8. High metabolism allows you to eat what you like and still see your toes
7. No corporate politics
6. Can spend every day playing video games and watching TV
5. No bills, mortgages, credit ratings, or dealings with the IRS
4. Full head of hair
3. The idea of marriage is still far off and romantic
2. Summer vacation
1. You can get away with murder
 After a hard day of slacking one needs to just chill

NO LOVE

No Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, there’s no Santa Claus

no Shangri-La, no Valhalla, Never Never Land or Oz

no missing link, no age of reason, no big bang only bust

no Middle-Earth, no Federation, no one you can trust

no Peace on Earth, no Hell below, no Heaven up above

no promised land, no helping hand, and no such thing as love

there’s no such thing as “love”, no such thing as “love”

just emotional pretension
a romantic myth invention
to appease social convention
no such thing as “love”
propagation self-hypnosis
passing hormonal psychosis
the antithesis of gnosis
no such thing as ”love” - no such thing as “love”
no Olympus, no Atlantis, no aliens on Mars
there’s no heroes, there’s no leaders, there’s no more rock stars

there is no democracy, no workers paradise

I just see hypocrisy, greed, ignorance & vice

There’s no such thing as “love”, no such thing as “love”

An ideal dream illusion
Camouflaging sex confusion
Just a nice word for delusion
No such thing as “love”
Strip all instinct from the species
And replace it with a thesis
Just a bunch of bovine feces
No such thing as “love”

You can say that you love chicken

music, sex or sport
you can say that you love film
or books of every sort
you can say that you love life
but as for you and me
don’t you ever call it love
it’s just biology (and there’s no chivalry)

there’s no freedom, no free lunch, no doors without locks

there’s no justice, there’s no glory, no gold in Fort Knox

there’s no art for sake of art, there’s no sympathy

no solution, there’s no future, and no charity
(‘cause ignorance is verity)

chorus: fade
 Otto, dachshund from hell

Random Survey

1 .Where were you at 3:18am today?

Performing an incantation to give me magical powers

2. How did you get the idea for your My Space name?
It was revealed to me in a vision

3. What song are you listening to right now?

Just the ones in my head

4. What is the last thing you ate?

An orangutan

5. Do you click on pop-ups?

Put voodoo curses upon them
6. Do you own an iPod?
Don't like pods since "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers"

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning?

Must have coffee!...

8. Is the person that you have a crush on older or younger?

considerably younger generally

9. Do you own a big screen or plasma TV?

Someday

10. Whats your favorite memory from this weekend?

what weekend?

11. What is your current mood?

Goo-goo, ga, ga

12. What was the last thing that you bought?

Commemorative sasquatch

13. Who is the last person that you hugged?

Andy Rooney

14. Are your toenails painted?

Sculpted

15. What do you really dislike at this moment?

leeches in my ears

16. What is the last gift you received?

An inflatable forest

17. What did you dream last night?

It's alright we told you what to dream...

18. What was the last TV show you watched?

Family Guy
19. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
Jewell encrusted hand cuffs

20. Name 3 ppl on your Top Friends who are most like you?
They broke the mold

21. Do you always lock your door?

Whenever dragons & ogres are around

22. Do you like your boss?

I have yet to kill him

23. Are you on any medication?

whenever possible

24. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

I float horizontally in mid-air above center

25. What color shirt are you wearing?

42

26. What is your favorite frozen treat?

Frozen Reptile Intestines

27. How many piercings do u have?

Never been crucified

28. What's your favorite store?

Bimbos R' Us

29. What are your plans for tomorrow?

Preemptive nuclear attack

30. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?

Sarah Hoffman

31. What is the last compliment?

You look almost human
32. Do you care what people think about you?
Only those who I really care about

33. Your last kiss was?

strategic

34. Do you lie about your age?

I lie about everything

35. Are you picky?

Perfectionist

36. Are you at home right now?

A house is not a motel

37. Have you ever moshed?

In my heart

38. Next concert you will go to?

Jimi Hendrix - The Rockin' Resurrection Tour

39. Do you like the person who posted this last?

I have her image tattooed on my right buttocks

40. Who can you always count on?

The IRS

41. What is the thing that you would most like to change about yourself?
Penis reduction

42. What words do you say a lot?

a, who, when, where, what, how, ugh, oops, serendipity

43. What do you smell like right now?

Dogs

44. Fave book?

The one I intend to write
45. Are you bored?
Never!

46. What do you tell yourself when times get hard?

I knew I should have invested in Microsoft stock

47. Would you ever sky dive?

How about bungee jump from an airplane?

48. Who will copy this first?

Someone not original enough to think of their own

49. Last place you went?

Mud wrestled in the Oval Office

50. Who was the last person you saw with their shirt off?
The President's daughter

51. Do you enjoy giving hugs?

Better than giving blood

52. Have you ever been to Australia?

alas no, and I revere marsupials!

53. Do you own a digital camera?

No, I fear it will inadvertently steal my soul

54. What celebrities do people say you look like?

Weird Al Yankovich

55. Are you rich?

no but I am creamy

56. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but don't?
Naw, I just track them down and rip their heart out

57. Are you a jealous person?

Jealousy accomplishes nothing
58. What was the last thing you typed?
This

59. Do you ever feel guilty about eating meat?

If I did then I'd end up feeling guilty about eating vegetables too

60. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Bitch

No sweetie I shant eat the kitty, for I am humane

 STUFF
Stuff for work, and stuff for pleasure
stuff that's junk and stuff that's treasure
stuff desired beyond measure
we must have our stuff

We get stuff from every place

it only seems to grow
we keep it locked in storage space
or move it where we go

We never seem to get enough

however hard we try
so we'll just keep collecting stuff
until the day we die

(at which time all the stuff ends up distributed among relatives, sold at estate sales, given
to Goodwill or simply thrown away to end up in the dump buried in dirt just like you)

furniture, appliances, stereos, TV's

CD's, records, videos, cassettes & DVD's
letters, artwork, poems & posters, all your photographs
old newspapers, magazines, collected autographs
High School jacket, souvenirs, baseball cards & mitts
toys & tools & jewelry, balls & model kits
gadgets, games, recorders, phones, assorted instruments
certificates, receipts & forms, files, documents
boxes, bags, trunks & safes, computer discs & books
bikes & trailers, guns & boats, fishing reel & hooks
beds & pillows, blankets, sheets, all the clothes you wear
computers, grills, dishes, pans, and stuff beyond repair
30 "Dirty Questions"

30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?

I can't divulge that information

2. What were you doing this morning at 8 am?

Line dancing in the bowels of the Earth

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

On the computer

4. What are you wearing?

Giant tortilla shell

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?

often annoyed, rarely mad

6. Last person to say they loved you?

My pet tarantula Huey

7. Last time you kissed someone?

Ectoplasm

8. Do you know the words to the song on your My Space profile?

Haven't put any songs on yet even though I'm a music fanatic

9. Last thing received in the mail?

Complete Red Dwarf Series DVD

10. Last person to give you butterflies?

I prefer cash

11. Have you ever had sex in a public place?

nudge, nudge, wink, wink

12. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

Yes, but they found nothing incriminating

13. How long is your hair?

Shoulder length and growing

14. How many different drinks have you had today?

5: coffee, water, milk, juice, spotted owl blood

15. What have you eaten today?

I gnawed my right leg off

16. Are you any good at math?

Are you any good at death?

17. Do you have plans on Saturday night?

Polarize the status quo
18. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No I construct cathedrals

19. Do you prefer beer or liquor?

Unicorn plasma

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Once - then I was asleep for like 48 hours

21. Do you like the ocean?

We're good friends

22. Do you stay friends with your exs?

Neither friend nor enemy

23. What are you excited about?

Wouldn't you like to know?

24. What did you do last night ?

Invested in my potential

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?

Not even the not so great grandparents

26. Where do you keep your change?

In a chest buried on a tropical island

27. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?

Can't say since the nights I don't remember may have been naughtier

28. Would you rather sleep with someone or by yourself?

I'm content by myself, but prefer another or several

29. What was the weather like on your birthday?

Fire and brimstone

30. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends list?

More than kiss
 DRIVE LIKE A WHITE MAN

When I'm in a hurry and there's places I must be

I don't wanna be slowed down by those in front of me
hey you talkin' on your phone, hang up and listen here
heed this simple message I will try to make it clear

drive like a white man, drive like a white man

drive like a white man, or get out of my way (repeat)

I won't wait behind the wheel I like to travel fast

when I'm late can't hesitate my foot is on the gas
so move your ass or let me pass, 'cause I ain't got all day
to all you slow and timid drivers this is what I say

drive like a white man, drive like a white man

drive like a white man or get out of my way (repeat)

though everyone has there own pace

one thing I must disperse
whatever culture, age or race
the women drive the worse

I can't help it if I have a sense of urgency

life is short and time is money my philosophy
so if you are a Sunday driver see me in your mirror
speed I must so eat my dust and watch me disappear

chorus
Princess Rhema rules her duchy with an iron fist
The Essence Of What Is, What Was And Another Cup Of Coffee
Do you ever feel like a cliche?
Tell me
do the clouds still look the way they use to?
Or are you brooding about potential rain
and tax loopholes?
Has the passing of time given you food for thought?
Or is that just something you got from that chili not
at all profound?
Does the song of a bird ever touch your heart?
Or do you worry about them flying over head
bearing gravity's curse?
There there, no use crying over spilled milk
or nineteenth century metaphors.
Oh pity poor you;
slapped on the day you were born
raised thereafter in ignorant bliss
youthful days like soft powdered dirt
rubbing warmly between the toes of your
bare feet
running naked along sandy ocean shores
like a regular son a beach.
You never can go back again
even if you could
so you turn on the television.

Hey which way to the festival?

 LATTER DAY BLUES

Took away my self-reliance

nothing left but cold defiance
got no money, got no food
all I got is attitude
so many things we can abuse
a symptom of the latter day blues

Living in this mad asylum

I survive by playing possum
how much longer can I play
somehow I must get away
the headlines scream their savage news
one more symptom of the latter day blues

Don’t try to judge me, you can’t accuse

till you’ve seen with my eyes, and walked in my shoes
you can’t understand, and you can’t sympathize
till you’ve walked in my shoes, and seen with my eyes

People are sheep, it make me ill

‘cause time is short, so get your fill
I'm loaded for bear, I’m critical mass
wanna fuck the world, right up the ass
y’know I’ve nothing left to lose
another symptom of the latter day blues

To waste a life, what greater crime?

‘cause I’m not living just passing time
when all you got fits in a spoon
apocalypse can’t come too soon
pursuit of happiness, what a ruse
terminal symptom of the latter day blues

Push my back up to the wall

how much further can I fall?
if I try to make amends
slay the beast and buck the trends
is there choice for me to choose?
a final symptom of the latter day blues

listen to my intuition
how’d I get in this position?
not a choice of my volition
let begin the inquisition
 Oh crystal prism I knew thee well...

10 REASONS TODAYS YOUTH ENVY THEIR PARENTS

10. Drug tests were rare

9. Going to the airport was simple
8. You could smoke in bars or virtually anywhere else and cigarettes cost less than a
dollar a pack
7. Sports heroes weren't multi-millionaires on steroids
6. Gas was under a dollar a gallon
5. It was okay to tell jokes
4. painful piercings and tattoos weren't obligatory
3. It was relatively safe to hitchhike
2. Way cooler bands you could see for under $20.00
1. Could go to school without worry of being shot
 Rusty, me & Topps 1971 Frank Robinson

June 11, 2007 - Monday

Another Long Ass Survey

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
I could think of more appropriate punishments

How do you flush the toilet in public?

Are there varied techniques?

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

Yes, in order to counteract my subconscious death wish
Do you have a crush on someone?
Yes, but they'll survive

Name one thing you worry about running out of?

Ming Dynasty Vases

What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
If I become famous someday then I can look like myself

What is your favorite pizza topping?

Virgin heart, Pepperoni, toxic waste, jello, pelican

Do you crack your knuckles?

Yes, but then I repair them

What song do you hate the most?

So little time, so many to loathe

Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
No, my brain is equipped with a special bad song firewall

What are your super powers?

I can mail a letter and curl my tongue simultaneously

Peppermint or spearmint?
Sergeant Peppermint

Where are your car keys?

I left them in the Space Shuttle

Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?

Voltaire

What's your most annoying habit?

Filling out surveys

Where did you last go on vacation?

A parallel universe
What is your best physical feature?
Depends of the purpose

What CD is closest to you right now?

I never trust a CD

What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?

juice, cheese, assorted body parts

What superstition do you believe/practice?

That I am living in the best of all possible worlds

What color are your bed sheets?

scum

Would you rather be a fish or a bird?

A flying fish

Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?

naw, I just scream at other drivers

What are your favorite sayings?

My own

What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?

The Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin

If you could go back or forward in time,where would you go?

4:38 PM last Thursday

What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?

Raiders of The Lost Jedi

What CD is in your stereo?

Stereo is broken so I must hum to myself

What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?

"Stevenus' Greatest Hums"
How many kids do you plan on having?
So many sperm, so little time...

If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

Anne Hathaway

What do you do when no one is watching?

God only knows

If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be you?
Flipper

Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?

In a blaze of glorious sleep

Coffee or Tea?
Both

Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?

U2 the most times, too many others to name

Have you ever been in love?

A wonderful delusion

Do you talk to yourself?

Continuously

Rutabagas, gimme rutabagas!...

Congrats bro on your bondage – er, marriage

Hey, these things don't let you see through clothes!...

 ISSUES

Another troubled celebrity

makes front page gossip news
goes in detox facility
to help resolve issues

he’s got issues, she’s got issues

everyone we know has issues
grab a hanky and some tissues
another buzzword we can misuse

should her parents get the blame

or her recent divorce
was it drugs or was it fame
that knocked her off her course

chorus:

in our closets we all got

a skeleton or two
some acknowledge, some may not
but nonetheless it’s true

still I remain dubious

about our need to know
the lurid and the ludicrous
details of human woe
(denominator low)
chorus:

to an image we must cling

don’t put that up your nose
you can do most anything
so long as no one knows

we take vicarious delight

in other’s acts absurd
so like parrots let’s recite
that psychobabble word

Identify the non dalmatian

 HARDWARE MAN

I’m your handy hardware man

and I can help you like no one can
I’ll mix you paint, I’ll make a key
I’ll cut some chain, the smile is free
cause I’m a hardware man (hardware man) (repeat twice with female answer)
and I’ll assist you like no one can

there’s nowhere like a hardware store

where a man can be a man
and speak in jargon women love
but never understand

got screwdrivers, male connectors, lantern fuel

for what you need baby I got the tool
I’ll show you pipe big, long and round
don’t need a stud finder when I’m around

flashlights, fuses, and electrical wire

my propane torches will light your fire
“can you help me, I need a screw”?
yes I can and yes you do!

ladies like flowers, well I got the crops

especially for girls in shorts and tank tops
and for your garden I got seed
to meet your fertilizing need

appliances, canning, home cleaning supplies

I’ll guide you to housewares and tell you no lies
staples and rivets, plungers, or pails
my customer service never fails

I’ve traps for rodents, gophers, moles

And plenty of caulk to fill all your holes
Door bells, chimes, phones to be rung
For picture hanging I am well hung

I got balls and lots of tube

plenty of fluids to help you lube
things to hammer and to measure
to enhance your shopping pleasure
got a home improvement issue
I’ll be happy to assist you
look for my vest and I’ll help you to see
how handy a hardware man can be

I'm sorry, we're fresh out of weapons-grade plutonium

June 18, 2007 - Monday

Box Of Crayons Survey

RED = ANGER
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Naw, just slightly insane at everyone

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?

Is their such thing as "best" temper?

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?

certainly, but nothing lethal
4. Does your face turn red when you're angry?
no, paisley

5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?

Yelling feels better as far as venting goes, but staring angrily is more effective in being scary

ORANGE = EXCITEMENT
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
Yes, but by throwing it the party broke

2. Are you easily excited?

Depends on the stimulus

3. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?

My Appendectomy

4. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?

What's the catch?

5. If you could have anything right now what would it be?

A can of deviled ham

YELLOW = SELF DISCOVERY

1. Name:
Hey you!

2. Birthday:
Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away...

3. What's your main goal in life?

To be a cultural icon, have a few beers, a few laughs, & raise wonderful daughters

4. Do you want to have children?

Have two, can't say what the future holds

5. How do you want to die?

Beaten to death by a swarm of saber tooth butterflies

GREEN = OPINIONS
1. Are you against gay marriage?
Absolutely. They can cohabitate all they want but it shouldn't be given equal credence or legal
status with heterosexual marriage

2. Lower the drinking age?

Make it the same age as whatever age a person is allowed to be killed in a war

3. Capital Punishment?
lowercase

4. Abortion?
Only in certain circumstances

5. Democrat or Republican?
Same suit, same haircut, same bullshit

BLUE = LOVE
1. Do you love someone?
Depends on ones definition I suppose

2. Do you have a bf/gf?

Rutabaga

3. Is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

Anything's better than a tie

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Slap!

5. Would you tattoo your lovers name on your body?

Lovers are transitory, tattoos are forever

PURPLE = Q&A
Q: How many beds did you lay in today?
One - how many am I suppose to lay in?!

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?

A question scholars will be debating for generations to come
Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
Cure cancer

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?

Enough to buy a pizza but not enough to buy a Ferrari

Q: Is Tom on your Top friends list?

Tom is automatically on everybody's list whether you want him there or not

Q: Look to your left. What's there?

The Holy Grail

Q: What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?

Oh that's a brilliant, insightful question

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?

Kinky Dwarves

Q: Do you have plants in your room?

No, fungi

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My brain

Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?

Atlantis

Q: Do you own a picture phone?

No, it's braille

Q: Recent time you were really upset?

@#$%%^*&)(*(_+*(_%^^$%!!!!!

PINK = LAST
1. Person you saw?
Saint Augustine

2. Person that said they loved you.

The bounty hunter
3. Movie watched in cinema?
Pirates of Antarctica

4. Song you listened to?

Incidental soundtrack music to my life

5. Person you talked on the phone with?

Her Briness

GREY = TODAY
1. What are you doing right now?
Turning into a pumpkin

2. What are you doing tonight?

Rolling a drunk priest

3. What are you going to eat?

Sauteed hummingbird gizzard with red wine

4. Did you accomplish anything today?

Brought peace to the Middle-East and took a bath

5. What shoes are you wearing?

Mine

BROWN = TOMORROW
1. Is?
Tuesday and always will be

2. My plans are?
Go to work and not be crushed by errant meteorite

3. Are you going to laugh?

Are you going to die?
I do not recognize the dominion of Puget Power
 BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU
Rebel, insist, rise up, resist
murmur, bitch, complain
bite the hand that feeds you
if it hold you on a chain

short-sighted trend chasers

bottom line bean counters
obscene, grotesque deal makers
market driven bottom feeders
wannabe hip poseurs
corporation in breeders
vision challenged imitators
thriving local scene killers
slick and stupid style gangsters
hand in the retail tillers
fat and jaded fast talkers
pompous, plastic product pushers
cliche spouting pseudo rockers
obsolete sit on their tushers
opportunistic death vendors
don’t know their Gibson’s from their Fender’s

those who run the music industry are the very people least qualified to do so

Daddy I fail to derive cognitive stimulation from this multi-colored plastic

Associations
1. Your 'ex' and You= Are separated by a good 1000 miles

2. I am listening to= Artillery shells fired by the local militant Amish sub cell

3. Maybe I should= inseminate somebody

4. I love= Rock n' roll, put another dime in the jukebox baby

6. I don't understand= What happened to question #5?

7. I have lost my respect for= Serial killers with bad odor

8. I last ate= An Irish Setter

9. The meaning of my display name= Give me all your money or else I will tell you

10. God= Someone I could probably never defeat in ping pong

11. Someday= Theater food will be cheap & nourishing

12. I will always= Answer surveys until I am deported to Nepal

13. Love seems to= Be one of life's more sinister dangers

14. I never ever want to lose= My hairs

15. My my space is= Full of fraud but occasionally fun

17. I get annoyed when= People insert steel toed boots in my anal region (though that probably
excites others)

18. Parties= A social event apparently attractive by the inevitable prospect of puking & fighting

20. Simple Kisses= No kisses are simple except when it's your mother

21. Today I= Willed myself to clearer skin

22. I wish= I had a magic genie

Contemplating the utilities industry. Gas works park, Seattle Washington

My beloved dog Corky. Note all those vinyl records!

 SEATTLE TRAFFIC
On the road it’s gridlock in the drizzle and the rain
and not just during rush hour but all throughout the day
stuck behind a cement mixer, school bus or the cops
welcome to Seattle where the traffic never stops
old lady in an Oldsmobile, a mom in minivan
a semi in the fast lane, somebody driving Asian
there’s another clueless yahoo yakking on their phone
never pay attention to exactly where they’re goin’
sitting in this traffic jam I’m gonna blow a fuse
got them waitin’ for delay of road construction blues

welcome to Seattle where the weather’s wet and cold

land of milk and lattes and the cost of housing’s gold
got the Needle, Microsoft, Boeing and Star bucks
but when it comes to driving man Seattle traffic sucks!

people drivin’ 20 miles under the speed limit

is goin’ 45 too fast? c’mon now let’s get with it!
405, I-90, route 520 or I-5
pick your poison it’s all shit no matter where you drive
commute from hell sit stranded in the daily rush hour crawl
hardly budge on floating bridge be thankful you move at all
year after year it takes longer to get anywhere
and there’s less parking where you’re going when you finally get there
a victim of our own success see growth that’s run amok
by greedy rich developers who just don’t give a darn

you can only drive as fast

as the slowest car in front of you
it only takes one timid soul
to keep you from where you’re going to
so when in traffic I will dream
my car’s equipped with a laser beam
and then with glee I blow away
each obstacle that’s in my way
‘cause I’m getting tired, I’m getting sick
of wasting my life in Seattle traffic

from Pikes Place Market to Bellevue Square, the city, suburbs, here & there
Seattle to the great East side, ferry, plane or Park & Ride
Bellevue, Bothell, Redmond, Renton, Kent, Auburn, Tacoma
Sea-Tac, Ballard, Federal Way, Burien , Tukwila
Maple Valley, Mercer Island, U-District , Northgate Mall
Issaquah, Sammamish Lake, Woodinville, Duvall
it's gridlock over all
Back when the Sonics were a good team
 10 SIGNS THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS NEAR

10. Red Sox win the World Series - twice!

9. Euro worth more than the dollar
8. American Idol
7. Democrats have viable shot at Presidency
6. Terrorism becomes redundant
5. Yoko Ono has hit record
4. Best golfer is black and best rapper white
3. Hannah Montana biggest music tour of the year
2. Wrestling and monster truck rallies more popular than ever
1. When The Rolling Stones retire
 JUST DO IT LIKE THAT
(inspired & co-written by my daughter Aria Jenae)
lick your own tongue
smell your own nose
kiss your own lips
touch your own toes

feel your own feelings

think your own thoughts
touch your own ceilings
cast your own lots

smell your own smells

hear your own sounds
wish your own wells
lose your own pounds

see your own eyes

spank your own butt
give your own surprise
sink your own putt

be your own boss

make your own rules
carry your own cross
use your own tools

spend your own money

drive your own car
eat your own honey
be your own star

sing your own song

write your own book
right your own wrong
show your own look

give your own heart

take your own time
make your own start
bust your own rhyme

heal your own health

fight your own fight
be your own self
do yourself right
dream your own dream
light your own fire
join your own team
know your own desire

do your own work

run your own race
find your own perk
set your own pace

make your own luck

pay your own bills
pull yourself up
climb your own hills

play your own games

quench your own thirst
name your own names
be a friend first

use your own brain

be your own wiz
stay in your own lane
mind your own biz

slay your own dragon

add your own math
hitch your own wagon
take your own path

ride your own rainbow

plant your own tree
follow your own vision
set yourself free

float your own boat

dance your own beat
scratch your own back
rest your own feet

choose your own friends

show your own style
meet your own ends
walk your own mile
fly your own flag
swing your own bat
find your own bag
just do it like that

Just do it like this

July 10, 2007 - Tuesday
An incomplete And Rather Mediocre Survey

1. Name someone who made you smile today

Knute Rockne

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning

Exposing the Illuminati

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago

sitting at this stupid machine

4. What was something that happened to you in 1992

Living in Seattle during the "Grunge" era. I still like flannel

7. What color is your hairbrush?

what color is your I.Q.?!

8. What was the last thing you bought

Some choice swamp land

11. Where do you keep your money

stuffed in a mattress

12. What was the weather like today?

miserably hot & humid as per usual in July in Arizona

13. Where did your last hug take place

On a glacier

14. What are you excited about

Try me

18. Last person you kissed

Daughters

19. Do you wanna cut your hair?

No, it will sap my strength and the Philistines will hurt me
20. Are you over the age of 25?
Way over, if not in spirit

21. Do you talk a lot?

Only when I open my mouth

22. Do you watch The O.C.?

The what?!

23. Does your screen name have an "x" in it?

Should it?

24. Do you know anyone named Kelsey?

Should I?

25. Do you make up your own words?

Oh yes, I have my own language

26. Are you ticklish?

In certain places perhaps, but that's classified

27. Are you typically a jealous person?

Naw, jealousy is for insecure people

29. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "C
Clitoris

30. Who's the last person to call you

Bri

32. Do you chew on your straws?

Now there's a deep question

33. Do you have curly hair

Yes all my hairs curl

34. What is the next concert you're going to?

Elvis Return From The Dead Tour
37. What is something you say a lot
Polyunsaturated

40. Do you have to work tomorrow?

Always and forever

42. Who was the last person you said "I love you" to you?
The ghost of Ghengis Khan

43. What should you be doing right now?

Probably something more productive than filling out this survey

44.Do you have a nickname?

Your sublime buttheadedness

45. Are you a heavy sleeper?

No I'm relatively skinny

47. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
Visions in my frontal lobe

48. Is there anyone you like right now?

I like lots of people, animals, plants & other carbon based life forms

49.When was the last time u did the dishes?

I plead the fifth

50. Did you cry today?

Did you take your medication today?
Suffering evolutionary disadvantage from lack of opposable thumbs

SHEEP

You got attitude but it’s all show

dressed in angst from head to toe
so go ahead, express yourself
by looking just like someone else
show individuality
by copying a celebrity
wear backwards hat and baggy pants
but it’s all pose without a stance
your standard piercings and tattoo
which superstar endorsed your shoe?
one becomes a million “them”
with all their hair like Eminem
the corporate logos you display
just shows you’re but a new cliche.
 Say cheesecake Aria

SO SAD
(also written with a little help from my daughter Aria Jenae)

The world is so cruel, and life isn’t fair

nobody acts the way they should and nobody cares
there’s always a war, and we don’t get along
it's hard to be an optimist when everything’s wrong

it’s sad (it's sad), so sad (so sad), so sad, so sad about us
it’s sad (it's sad), so sad,(so sad), so sad, so sad about us

mess up so much, wish we could start again

if life is just a game it seems like no one can win
a rainbow is full, of colors to choose
but when we deal with each other there’s only blues

chorus:

many use discourse

and other's swear by force
some will yell and some people cry
oh why can't we agree
to simply disagree
the sound you hear is only a sigh

cont:
now all of us have, an opinion or two
and it's okay if we don't share the same point of view
but sometimes I feel, an inviable wall
and we speak volumes when we're saying nothing at all

chorus:

say that you want, to instruct and explain

but every word is tainted with distrust and disdain
it’s not about you, and it’s not about me
it’s more about the way I feel when we disagree

chorus:

The four dudes of the Apocalypse

July 16, 2007 - Monday
Another Lame Survey
have you ever been asked out? yes

where is your default picture taken? yes

your current relationship status? define "relationship"

does your crush like you back? I have no idea who likes me and to what degree

what is your current mood? turquoise

what color underwear are you wearing? plaid

what color bra are you wearing? pink

if you could go back in time and change something, would you? sure, like who's had a perfect
life?

do you still like your ex girlfriend/boyfriend? yes which is why I stalk her whenever time permits

ever had a near death experience? No, but I did have a near life experience

ever had a 1 night stand? 1 hour horizontal

something you do a lot? breathe

the song stuck in your head? Revolution #9

name someone with the same birthday as YOU? No clue

when was the last time you cried? Big boys don't cry, we just occasionally have tear duct
malfunctions

have you ever sung in front of a large audience? Not yet but I hope to some day

if you could have one super power what would it be? Ability to send electric shocks to
telemarketers

What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Mace

what do you usually order from star bucks? All their cash in unmarked bills

what's your biggest secret? I'm a quadruple agent

favorite color? Aardvark

ever lie to spare someones feelings? should feelings be spared?

do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? Absolutely!

what are you eating or drinking at the moment? whooly mammoth

do you speak any other language? Pig Latin

what's your favorite smell? freshly mowed kangaroo

do you like the smell of your farts? They are exquisite

If you could describe your life in one word what would it be? ambivalent

when was the last time you gave/received a hug? I sent one overnight delivery yesterday

ever been kissed in the rain? How could one avoid that if you lived in Seattle?

what are you thinking about right now? Why do I keep answering these inane surveys?

what should you be doing? winning the Nobel peace prize

how often do you pray? not nearly as often as I should

do you like working in the yard? I prefer play to work

If you could have any last name in the world, what would you? Gates

do you act differently around the person you like? What discriminate?! No I treat everyone equally
shitty

what is your natural hair color? Purple

who was the last person to make you cry? Santa Claus

Why yes I do speak fluent non-sequitur

Red Herring Is The Secret Ingredient To A Zesty Guacamole Dip

Back off ye nefarious mudgrubbers!

Keep yer impetuous paws off

my burgeoning apathy!
Gimme
two hundred and thirty seven trillion tons
of buttonholes
and filibusters.
Rapture me Uncle Walter
with the sweet, sweet sound of your all
encompassing monotone. I want to see
flamingos flying in pink formation
over and beyond the call
of national honor
for the sheer hell of it!
I wanna hear a zillion voices
sounding like they mean it
and I don't want anybody throwing
the yellow flag.
Doesn't anybody care?
Where are you Groucho, Ogden, Spike now
that we need you?
Crisis?
No thank you, I have enough already
could use some equity.
 10 TELEVISION SHOWS THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE AIR

10. CRACK WHORES: Life can be tough in the projects, especially when you're a teenage single mother
addict with HIV. That's why Roxanne, Salome & Desiree have to stick together to survive. When not
getting high or turning tricks these inner city heroines fight for truth, justice & the skank way.

9. CPA ACTION HERO: Thrill packed adventures of maverick certified public accountant Jeremy
Plodstein as he takes down white collar criminals, fraudulent off shore banks, money launderers &
unverified travel deductions. Fighting for truth, justice & the honest write-off.

8. BRUCE AND CHAD: Gay police officers who always got each other back. They're tough on crime but
know how to have a good time. Car jackers, thieves, gang bangers, homophobes beware! These campy
cops fight for truth, justice & the queer way.

7. CA PASA: The trials, tribulations & laughs of illegal immigrants trying to earn an illegal living in the
U.S. Sadistic smugglers, hard work, language/cultural barriers, avoiding the border patrol, trying to find a
decent chalupa & the dream of a green card. Demonstrates value of earning an MBA.

6. GROOVY: Sit-com based on a retirement home for brain damaged old hippies. Tie dyes, shuffleboard,
naps, organic buffet, & 60's acid flashbacks. "Nurse, did I ever tell you about the mescaline I took during
Woodstock"?...

5. JUMPIN' JIHAD COMEDY HOUR: Old fashioned family variety show hosted by a troupe of Islamic
terrorist comics. Songs, dance routines, skits and communiques lampoon infidels, Israel & of course the
great Satan U.S. Assorted pyrotechnics include blowing up public buildings, innocent civilians & more
often than not themselves. "Laugh or we will kill you".

4. PONDEXTER HOWARD - GEEK DETECTIVE: Takes on cyber criminals, rogue hackers, network
virus', I.D. thieves, illegal song down loaders & other computer evils. Now if only he could get a date... A
21st century sleuth fighting for truth, justice & the slacker way.

3. YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT? Drama. intrigue & passion in the high stakes world of fast food.

2. RIGHT WING DEATH SQUAD: Zany antics of Latin American paramilitary organization fighting a
leftist insurgency & boredom. Laugh out loud with Juan, Pedro & company during escapades involving
night-time abductions, cocaine trafficking, Maoist rebels, & political corruption. A spicy blend of comedy
the whole family will love!

1. YOU WANNA SCORE?: Hilarious hijinks of a couple of fun loving meth dealers, wacky narc
detectives & a variety of colorful paranoic/scitzophrenic addicts. Catch the buzz!

HONORABLE MENTIONS: "What's My Disease?", "Desperate Cheerleaders". & "It's My Gulag And
Welcome To It"
 Would you buy a fluglehorn from this man?

Yeah sure
FINALLY NOT THE SAME OLD QUESTIONS

1. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?
Don't have a clue where she even is

2. Is it harder to be rejected or to reject someone else?

Both are tough. But tougher still is an icepick in the forehead
3. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
Top 40, some of which is now "Classic Rock"

4. What is the best thing about your current job?

It won't be forever

5. Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class?

Absoposilutely!

6. What's the last thing you drank?

A Seagram's wine cooler "Jamaican Me Happy" (still working on it)

7. Have you been on a date in the past week?

Not in the flesh

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?

Vacation?! Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!... If I ever do get one of those things I'm obliged to take my daughters
to Disneyland. Muslims make a pilgrimage to Mecca - Americans to Disneyland.

9. Have you ever thrown up from working out?

Is putting a bottle to your mouth considered working out?

10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

Some are old, some are new, some are borrowed, and the rest are psychotic

11. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didn't know what was going on?
Don't have to be wasted for that

12. Do you like pulp-y orange juice?

Any orange juice except with dead rodents in it

13. Are you touchy-feely?

With certain peoply

14. Did you cry at your high school graduation?

No, it was all rather anticlimactic

15. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun?

I prefer the sleeping bed & clouds
16. What are two of your favorite places to eat?
sewer, dungeon

17. What could you tolerate...someone who snores or a sleepwalker?

Anything but a snorewalker

18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?

No, but my brain doesn't naturally generate enough serotonin

19. What's something your friends make fun of you for?

What's something they don't?!

20. What's your worst personality flaw?

torturing nuns

21. Have you ever gone to therapy?

Yes, but I survived it

22. Would you ever parachute off of a plane?

I would parachute off a curb

23. Have you ever ridden an elephant?

No, my insurance won't cover it

24. Are you Irish in any way?

Well I love U2, Oscar Wilde & Bailey's Creme

25. Have you ever ridden in a U-Haul?

Driven them

26. Do you like to play Scrabble?

Haven't played it much, but I kick ass on Jeopardy

27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?

Yes, and my parents took us!

28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?

Yes, yuck
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
I'm waiting to remake the movie "From Here To Eternity"

30. What are you saving your money up for right now?
A reliable car or Hovercraft

31. What was the last gift card you received?

"Beth's Cat house, Tavern & Tattoo Parlor"

32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

affirmative

33. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your opinion of them?
Depends on who, what species, how old, and how many

34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?
Don't recall, but then I can't recall the one's I wasn't sober at either

35. What do you do when you spy a bug in your house?

Set off fireworks and notify the National Guard.

I declare that in my subjective opinion your eschatology is goofy to the Nth degree
 ARG

Arg is just a simple sigh

you season with a touch of "why"?
to say when things are so awry
through vacant deadpan face resigned
to face a fact of fates design
expressed in one impassive line
"arg".

Arg, ungowa and then some

Sarah Hoffman, my favorite non related human - veritas, maranatha, dominus vobiscum

Elementary my dear daddy

 10 FAILED FAST FOOD FRANCHISES

10. Grits La Ritz

9. Chunks Of Stuff
8. The Anorexic Gourmet Binge & Purge
7. Tofu Shack Healthy Snack
6. International House Of Plankton
5. Ho Chang's Yummy Pet's
4. The Roadkill Grill
3. Haggis, Kimchi & Headcheese Please
2. Kentucky Fried Weasel
1. Chew & Spew
TO: KEYX

RE: Alive At Five (Attn: Jackie Selby)

FR: Denis & Steve (or Steve & Denis)

A thousand howdies from Denis & Steve here at Williams Air Force Base! We're a
couple of cheeky airmen who are bullish on the Key. As we toil in obscurity here in
military playland we would like to refresh our souls with some nifty jams (it beats
muzak). No, we're not pilots; we work in Personal Affairs, in an office performing
various mundane tasks like glorified secretaries only we're paid less (details in our best-
selling paperback, look for the movie soon). As warriors and defenders of our nation's
shopping malls we feel entitled to some tunes other than taps. Thanks for the music, our
hearts swell with gratitude.

Steve & Denis (or Denis & Steve)

Air Peons

Requested songs:

I'll Melt With You - Modern English

Rejoice - U2
Rat In The Kitchen –
THE SEVEN WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV SUBSTITUTES

1. Feces
2. Urine
3. Coitus
4. Vagina
5. Maternal fornicator
6. Phallic engulfer
7. Mammary glands

THE DEVIL'S TEN MOST EVIL INVENTIONS

10. Top 40 radio

9. Organized Religion
8. Political Correctness
7. Theory of Evolution
6. Multi-Level Marketing
5. Spam
4. Nationalism
3. Lawyers
2. Taxes
1. Bureaucracy

Hey it wasn't me who said it...

 KIDS AND ANIMALS

I love kids & animals, they like games & tricks

tell no lies, wear no disguise
and don't do politics
I love kids & animals, they know how to play
they are fun and wonderful
in every single way

I WANNA BE INVISIBLE

To best observe it's better to see

looking in from periphery
don't want a soul to see me at all
just wanna be like a fly on the wall

I wanna be invisible, yeah I'd be outasight

you say it's impossible, and maybe you are right
camouflaged is how I'd be, a chameleon in a tree
oh what fun to have total invisibility

The Rhema Roo in the flesh

 THE SOLAR SYSTEM

Saturn's rings are made of cheese

and Mars though red is made of peas
the moon consists of chocolate white
the Sun is big, so orange & bright
Pluto, man that's way too cold
and if the cheese of Saturn spoils
you'll have lots of mold
Mercury's by far too hot
and Jupiter sure has a lot
of methane gas and hydrogen
nowhere I would want to spend
my time if I were on vacation
get my fill of radiation
Venus can be kind of fun
but it's still too close to the Sun
Earth's is where I want to be
the best place in the galaxy
10 ALBUMS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO AGAIN THANKS TO
"CLASSIC ROCK" RADIO (excluding "Greatest Hits" compilations)

10. Van Halen I - Van Halen

9. Boston - Boston
8. Rumours - Fleetwood Mac
7. Fly Like An Eagle/Books Of Dream (tie) - Steve Miller Band
6. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
5. Machine Head - Deep Purple
4. Are You Experienced? - Jimi Hendrix Experience
3. Who's Next - The Who
2. Untitled/Runes/Zoso/Fourth Album - Led Zeppelin
1. The Dark Side Of The Moon - Pink Floyd
Come to think of it, I've never been to Nova Scotia

Shazam – methinks she’s a gastropod!….

 THE PIRATE NINJA SONG

I 'm a pirate ninja, don't push me too far

or I'll kick you in the head and then say "yarr"
so don't you piss me off or take it to the bank
I'll give karate chop and then make you walk the plank

Here I come so you better stay clear

'cause I'm one bad-ass buccaneer
I'm a mistress of the martial arts
breaking faces and breaking hearts

I plunder booty on just a whim

aboard my ship "The Invader Zim"
don't need a compass to know where it's at
who needs a parrot when I got a cat

My blood is red and so's my hair

you think you're cool well I don't care
yeah I'm a powderkeg with sparks
fed Emma Watson to the sharks

Got my numchucks and shiny sword

we're setting sail so all aboard
for I'm a rogue of the seven seas
wish I could curse in Japanese

Grab the wheel, full aft astern

the yuppie yachts are going to burn
anchors aweigh, now swab the deck
save the whales, oh what the heck
"16 knives in a supermodel's chest
yo-ho-ho and a bottle of diet Dr. Pepper..."
At last, the secret of the Illuminati can be revealed
 HALLELUJAH! I'M DEAD

Credit card company penalties climb

but I won't pay another dime - I'm dead
ruin my credit, see if I care
try to collect it if you dare - I'm dead
alimony, child support
debt collectors of every sort - I'm dead
IRS go gnaw a bone
you can take all that I own - I'm dead
people from the student loan
can't harass me on the phone - I'm dead
repossess my house and ride
doesn't matter once I've died - I'm dead
no more job I'm calling in dead
listen boss you hear what I said - I'm dead
judge can't can't make it in to court
parole officer close report - I'm dead
hey you hackers no more spam
I won't see it where I am - I'm dead
life insurance what you say
no more premiums to pay - I'm dead
life is a half empty glass
so world you can kiss my ass - I'm dead
dead and lovin' it!
 Bright colors combined with Mozart make for brilliant children

ONE DOZEN THINGS THAT ANNOY CAPTAIN PICCARD

12. 23rd Century and they still haven't developed a cure for baldness
11. Starfleet uniforms give him wedgies
10. Counselor Troi's constant psycho-babble
9. Shakespeare unappreciated by other life forms
8. Ensign Crusher downloading porn on ship computer
7. Worf's Klingon B.O.
6. Data's positronic brain not Windows compatible
5. Riker always cheating at poker
4. Q causing Piccard's voice to sound like Betty Boop during red alerts
3. Suspects Geordie's visor enables him to see crew naked
2. Doctor Crusher wont come to his quarters so he can demonstrate "The Piccard
maneuver"
1. Borg TV
 I HATE COMPUTERS

Thank you geeks for computers and all they do for us

the Internet, the world wide web, the dimension known as cyberspace
blogs, web-sites, search engines, chat rooms
My Space, U Tube, Google & Yahoo
hackers, squatters, ultra violent video games
and all the porn anyone could stomach
virus', flames, identity theft, spam
pop up ads, online shopping and e-mail
hard drive crashes, software pirating
incompatible systems, instant obsolescence
incomprehensible jargon
and don't forget technical assistance (or lack thereof)
laser printers, special effects, state of art animation
high speed, high def, CD ROM, RAM and gigabytes
and maddeningly random arbitrary things like voltage spikes
cyber stalkers, commercial profilers, federal watchers
a camera on every corner
obliterating our last shred of privacy
(don't say I didn't warn ya)
lap tops, cell phones, ipods, blackberrys
and all the other techno bastard off-spring
that consume our post modern lives
CD's, DVD's, camcorders, bar codes, digital cameras
ubiquitous as Nigerian investment scams
drum machines, answering machines, voice menus
cut off from human touch
robots, satellites, digital pets
data entry, data processing, computer dating
passwords, pin numbers, binary system heroes
a new world order paradigm based on one's and zeros
revenge of the nerds indeed
Rhema Laona gives one of her looks that no mortal can resist
SUGGESTED NAMES FOR PROPOSED WEBSITE DEDICATED TO
INTELLECTUAL SUBJECTS & ISSUES

Gray Matter Chatter

Tickle My Neurons
Dialogue De Jour
Cuss & Discuss or Curse & Converse
Viewtopia
Elitists Come Meet Us
The Intellectual Buffet
Opinions Galore
Full Spectrum Speech-O-Rama
Your Two Cents Worth
I.Q.H.Q.
The Cyber Soap Box
Rant & Roll
Topics To Titillate
Say What?
First Amendment In Practice
Diverse Perspectives
Fraternity Of The Frontal Lobe
Brain Candy
Cute & Pretentious
Feed Your Head
Elvis Socrates
Cerebral Boner
Philosopher's Forum
The Reality Gourmet
Say It While You Still Can
Sentient Whoopee
State Your Delusion
Mutant's Like Us
Bohemian Impulse
Verbal Zeitgeist
Anything Goes
Blog & Magog
I Postulate Therefore I Am...
Buffy Goes Mental
 10 REASONS BONO REJOICES

10. Having played everywhere else on Earth, U2 set to become first rock band to play
Antartica, Amazon Rain Forest & The International Space Station
9. Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame wants to display his liver
8. While not agreeing to forgive debt of Third World nations, big powers promise to
provide developing countries free satellite TV
7. Technology now exists to have sunglasses surgically attached
6. Northern Ireland civil peace settlement assured by government subsidizing free
Guinness to all Irish citizens
5. He's first Protestant the Catholic Church has ever put on fast track for sainthood
4. Dance remix of UN speech big hit in clubs
3. Statistical increase in babies named Bono & Edge
2. Wife warming up to idea of polygamy
1. Leather pajamas help retain natural juices

I can see those fighter planes...

 NEGATIVE GUY

My daddy blew his brains out when I was seven

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
doubt that I will see him if I get to Heaven
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
the mother of my children is a drunken mess
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
till death do you part to a life of stress
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
wish I were easier to satisfy
I've paid my dues but I can't deny

I'm a negative guy (he's a negative guy), just a negative guy (such a negative guy)
my attitude is shitty 'cause I see the glass half empty
I'm a negative guy (he's a negative guy), just a negative guy (what a negative guy)
it's how I am don't ask me why - I'm a negative guy

Feel ill-fated and alienated

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I'm always angry and so frustrated
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
yet there's no one but me to blame
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I'm in the loser hall of shame
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
give me a reason I should even try
I'm so sad but I never cry

chorus:

I fail at everything I do
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
if you were me you'd be negative too
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
got family, shelter, food & health
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
but I never recognize my wealth
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
'cause I got a log stuck in my eye
positive thinking is just a lie

cont:
chorus:

The day is bright and sunny

but my heart is full of rain
ironic those most funny
are the people most in pain

chorus:

Of all possible world's this one's best

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
is it any wonder that I'm so depressed?
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
they say every cloud has a silver lining
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
but I can't see it 'cause I'm busy whining
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
I've taken drugs but I don't get high
they say life's good but I wanna die

chorus:

Don't ask me why

Cousin Naphtali holding the baby Aria prior to engaging warp drive

Pookie po po in the making

 ALPHA MALE

Your prerogative the pick of the litter

you will always get the cream of the crop
you have final say in anything that matters
if there is a fight you're always on top

alpha male's big, alpha male's strong

and you know that his way is the only way
'cause alpha male's right, he is never wrong
and even if he is nobody dare say

when it comes to advice you so seldom bother

for in everything you just impose your will
never give a thought to any needs of others
might is always right come time to make the kill

chorus:

you don't fear, you don't fear, you don't fear anything at all
no you don't fear, you don't fear, anything but a fall

the goal is always to hold onto power longer

dominant genes passed on to your heirs descended
till you are eclipsed by one younger and stronger
not a tear is shed for when your reign is ended
 SWINETOPIA

Hail the King of Swinetopia

long live the lord of myopia
all hail the Breeon
the prince of peon
hail Swinetopia

listen up you nerds and geeks

blog on all you dweebs and freaks
"all I'm saying" the Breeon speaks
hail Swinetopia

rest your carpal tunnel wrists

the mouse is mightier than fists
where Windows and Mac coexist
Swinetopia all hail

chorus:

hail the King and his Queen

Princess Pentium
before the throne sits his machine
from whence all wisdom come

to monitors now genuflect

upgrades to make you drool
with gigabytes who needs respect
in the kingdom of uncool

chorus:

a pencilneck society
one Swinetropic dynasty
you can't deny your destiny
Swinetopia all hail

chorus:
The King of Swinetopia receiving a 21 ruberband salute
 His liege in action

ALL WOMEN WANT IS A MAN WHO'S NOT:

A beater, cheater
gambler, fraud
an alchy/addict or tightwad
a control freak, a slob or geek
workaholic or bum
afraid of commitment, mama's boy
selfish, conceited scum
a psychopath, a seriopath
a hustler or wimp
sports obsessive, pedophile
or one who's always limp
fat or lazy, cruel or crazy
humorless or liar
insensitive, vain, insecure
or head bald as a tire
who cannot talk, wont walk the walk
who's routine is unvaried
unromantic, old or gay
and most of all not married
Pork – it's what's for dinner
January 20, 2007 - Saturday

PROFILE

NAME: Stevenus Mergatroyd

GENDER: Y Chromosome

MAN OR GUY: Guy

AGE: Impervious to entropy

ETHNICITY/RACE: Mauve supremacist

HEIGHT: '5 "15 3/4

WEIGHT: Pulling mine

EYES: The better to see you with

HAIR: All there, mostly brown, naturally curly

OCCUPATION: Oracle/Fool

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Ah shucks, golly gee

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: Libertarian Fascism

RELIGION/IDEALOGY/BELIEF SYSTEM: Unorthodox Christianity

MINISTRY: Missionary to Shangri-La

EPISTIMOLOGICAL PARADIGM: Jesus saves - all else is negotiable

ESCHATOLOGY: Only God knows when the end will come and he hasn't told me

EDUCATION: Everything I learned to ignore

CURRENT RESIDENCE: Safford Arid-zona

BEEN WHERE: California, Washington State, Texas, Arizona, & Alpha Centauri

DONE WHAT: Wouldn't you like to know?

LANGUAGES: Fluent in English, non-sequitur, gibberish & hyperbole

VICES: Light drinker, pipe smoker (but only outdoors), no current drug use of the illegal variety,
although in the past I've been known to inhabit altered states. Peripatetic, picks nails, enjoys
crustaceans, cheats at solitaire

MARITAL STATUS: No longer married to woman who is by no means a raving, alcoholic

psychotic

PARENTAL STATUS: Proud single-parent, raising a pair of wonderful daughters to someday

become ballerina astronauts
CHILDREN: Aria Jenae, age 12, Rhema Laona, age 10

WHERE I SEE MYSELF IN TEN YEARS: A decade older

GOALS/DREAMS/ASPIRATIONS/DELUSIONS: Finish this blog/eat, drink & be

melancholy/establish an aesthetic empire/write books/record albums/make movies/invent a
stringless guitar/design, engineer & market a monolithic montage machine/survive my children's
adolescence

FAVORITE NUMBERS: 4, 23, six hundred thousand seven hundred ninety two and three tenths

FAVORITE NON-SEXUAL FANTASIES: Time travel, efficient government

FAVORITE FOODS: Ambrosia, weasel helper, sauteed aardvark nipples, gruel with cheese

FAVORITE BEVERAGES: Unicorn tears, Chateau Lafitte 1927, elixir of life, virility nectar, diet
mead

FAVORITE MARSUPIAL: Platypus

MOTTO: Cast your bread upon the water and you shall have soggy bread

MILITARY DISSERVICE: Air Farce (honorably discharged believe it or not)

CONTRIBUTION TO SCIENCE: Abduct extraterrestrials and conduct medical experiments upon

their person

ENTREPRENEURIAL ENTERPRISES: Development of full-service Middle-Earth condominiums

for disabled hobbits

PLACE I'D LIKE TO VISIT: The bathroom

THING I'D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE: Buzz the White House in the space-shuttle

INTERESTING MEDICAL FACT: My DNA has a triple helix

TRANSCENDENT DESIRE: To be in the world and yet not be of it. To be successful on my own
terms without selling out. To achieve everlasting peace, joy, love, wisdom & tranquility while
fulfilling divine providence without being harassed by tele-marketers

MY EPITAPH: He rarely parked in the handicap spot

QUESTION MOST OFTEN ASKED: Is this your yak?

SOCIAL WORK: Card carrying member of "Society For The Eradication Of The Lima Bean" and
"Agnostics For Jesus"

MISCELLANEOUS TALENTS: Kazoo virtuoso, enjoys existential basket-weaving, composes

limericks in Swahili

PUBLISHED WORKS: Author of best-selling book "Brain Surgery For Dummies"

SECRET AMBITION: To someday be the Queen of England

RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT: Cheap, clean, reusable energy source that also whitens
teeth, freshens breath, enlarges breast size & regrows hair

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I slightly exaggerate the truth on occasion

BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: Third rib, left side

WOMAN MOST LUSTED AFTER: Betty Boop

IN A PAST LIFE WAS PROBABLY: A daffodil

GREATEST INFLUENCES: The Teletubbies, Orville Redenbacker, Attila The Hun

REGRETTABLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT: You can't expect all the jokes to be funny

LEAST SUCCESSFUL ECONOMIC VENTURE: Raising money to construct monument honoring

America's lawyers

PRIZE POSSESSIONS: World's third biggest ball of lint, Holy Grail autographed by Thomas
Aquinas

MOST DARING, DANGEROUS STUNT WORTHY OF JACKASS: Shopping on Christmas eve

PROOF OF MY MANLINESS: Wrestling grizzly bears in my pajamas. How they got in my

pajamas I'll never know

PET PEEVES: Cliches, small talk, political correctness, humor challenged mutants, selfishness,
callousness, certitude, propriety, willful stupidity, really slow drivers, cell phones in public places,
& being attacked with a machete by angry mongoloids

RAVES, FAVES & HOBBIES: My daughters, art, music, reading, writing, sports, movies,
dreaming, pacing, sleeping, snuggling, turning base metals into gold & really kinky stamp
collecting

MUSIC: Classic rock, pop, oldies, newies, classical, jazz, reggae, blues, reds, R&B, soul, world
beat, gospel, industrial, avante garde, novelty, country, techno, disco, psychedelic, punk, garage,
grunge, glam, thrash, shred, grindcore, gothic, folk, sea shanties, Gregorian chant & Armenian
bluegrass metal

FAVE ARTISTS (among too many to list): Beatles, Zep, U2, REM, Purple, Sab, Floyd, Doors,
Hendrix, Stones, Who, Mozart, Cream, Yardbirds, Parable, Rush. Dylan, Police, Marley, Eagles,
Kinks, Queen, Van Halen, Elvis, Kitaro, Return To Forever, CCR, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Oasis,
Stevie Ray, Abba, Zappa & Slim Whitman

MOVIES: Comedy, fantasy, sci-fi, action, animation & classics E.G.: Lord Of The Rings, Star
Wars, Harry Potter, Saturday Night Live alumni, Back To The Future, School Of Rock, Being
John Malcovich, Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, A Hard Days Night, Ferris Buehler's Day Off,
Planet Of The Apes, Rush Hour, Phantom Of The Paradise, Pink Panther, MIB, 10 Things I Hate
About You, Naked Gun, Forrest Gump, Enter The Dragon, Disney, The Marx Brothers, Monty
Python, Jim Carrey, Will Smith, Johnny Depp, Arnold Swartzenegger, Robin Williams, Woody
Allen, James Bond, Mel Brooks, concert films & movies documenting the inevitable historical
supremacy of Marxist/Socialism

TV: Red Dwarf, Star Trek, Monty Python, Dilbert, Cheers, Frazier, Mystery Science Theater, The
Tick, Powerpuff Girls, Kim Possible, Simpson's, Seinfeld, 60's stuff, Saturday Night Live, Sports,
History Channel, Looney Tunes, X-files, Felix The Cat, Three Stooges, M*A*S*H, Spongebob,
Letterman, Sliders, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, documentaries, Jeopardy, News, test
patterns & off.

BOOKS & GENRES: Humor, history, sci-fi, fantasy, biography, Christianity, philosophy,
psychology, metaphysics, science, comics, classics, picture books, reference, off-the-wall novels,
gonzo journalism, sports, music, trivia, lists, poetry, quotes & anthologies of assorted runes
AUTHORS & PUBLICATIONS: J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, C.S. Lewis, Oscar Wilde, Dave
Barry, Mark Twain, Hunter S. Thompson, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Isaac Asimov, Piers Anthony, Robert
Anton Wilson, Ivan Stang, Lewis Carroll, John Steinbeck, Alvin Toffler, James Blish, Scott
Adams, Tom Wolfe, Ambrose Bierce, Ogden Nash, National Lampoon, MAD, Rolling Stone,
Creem & Ladies Home Cabala

FAVE COMIC STRIPS: Doonesbury, Dilbert, Zippy The Pinhead, Bizzaro, The Far Side, Non-
Sequitur, Garfield, Foxtrot, Beetle Bailey & Brenda Starr

OTHER AREAS OF INTEREST: Conspiracy theories, secret societies, quantum physics, chaos
theory, angels, alchemy, alchem you, UFO's, ESP, telekinesis, crop circles, MIB, CIA, the
Philadelphia experiment, Montauk project, Majestic 12, DMSO, orgone, chakras. Jung,
synchronicity, psychedelics, mind control, ley lines, hollow Earth, anti-gravity, moth man, shroud
of Turin, Padre Pio, Vatican II, prophesy, eschatology, Bible code, para-psychology, poltergeists,
doppelgangers, astral projection, near death experience, AI, third wave, temperaments, brain
hemispheres, Council of Foreign Relations, Area 51, the Kissinger memo, Discordians, big
brother, one world government, space/time, Einstein, parallel universes, irony & paradox,
disinformation, sub conscious dream state, NASA, News of the Weird, Church of the Sub-Genius,
Murphy's Law, the Peter Principle, Charles Fort, Carlos Castenada, Velilakovsky, Tesla, Leary's
circuit model, Loch Ness Monster, urban legends, Harvey the invisible rabbit and all the usual
esoteric X-Files stuff

MY IDEAL FEMALE: Must have pulse. Flawed in all the nicest ways. Playful, loves to laugh,
sense of humor. Kind, sweet natured but with some spunk & spirit. Kindred soul, empathetic, &
secure with herself. Christian values but not rigid, frigid or stupid. Never bored, easily contented,
homebody. Curious, vivacious, sensuous. Not selfish or overly materialistic. Loves kids and
animals. Open minded, comfortable, compatible. Sexy elbows. Finds joy in simple things.
Sensitive, yet not overly concerned with what others think. Independent but enjoys intimacy.
Values friends & family but not Mormon. One with whom I could share happiness and make
magic. In other words the usual contradictions that couldn't possibly exist in one person but hey,
that's why it's called "ideal".
 ASSORTED FRAGMENTS

Hooray for us, the leading nation

in citizen incarceration
we're full of lawyers, guns & dope
lots of channels, not much hope

When everything's against the law

then everyone's a criminal
the sentences are maximum
when opportunity's minimal

Before employing that erection

don't forget about protection
unless you'd like a new disease
or paying for paternities

Punctual as a Swiss watch; diligent, conscientious, easy to get along with. No make
pattern baldness. Smarter than your average marsupial; I transcend space/time, transmute
base metals into gold, and leap medium sized duplexes in a single bound...
Multi-faceted; I redefine the paradigm, coin a phrase, bust a rhyme, ride my own
wave. Intuitive, imaginative, strives to view in context. Knows meaning of serendipity.
Complimentary team player, I am a lubricant to the bearings, my talents are intangibles,
let me enrich your corporate gene pool with my personal alchemy.

KAYE-OS

You know the world revolves around Kaye

must have a crisis every day
a hypochondriac, paranoid
more neurosis than Sigmund Freud
'cause Kaye is crazy, Kaye is loony
she's in E.R. more than George Clooney

STUFF HUMANS LISTEN TOO

Blues, Rock, Pop, Rap, Hip-Hop

Jazz Ragtime hot, Cool, Be-Bop
New Age, Rave, Ambient, Trip-Hop
Surf, Garage, New Wave, Do-Wop
Thrash, Metal, Rock N' Roll
Gospel, R&B make Soul
Ska, Reggae, World Beat, Calypso
Mosh or pogo, Dance & Disco
 The girls make a pug sandwich

Industrial, Teutonic, Techno

Fusion, Roots, Progressive, Retro
Psychedelic, Funk, MOR & Punk
Indie, Alternative, Glam & Grunge
The Waltz, The Twist, The Charleston, Square dance shuffle, Polka
Country/Western, Bluegrass, Swing, minstrel songs & Folka

The girl with no arms

fell asleep with her guitar
and then she traveled upside down
in the seat of her car

Science makes me cry

don't tell me I can't change the rules
I wanna be a baby flower
a star princess with jewels
Nothing to tell, got nothing to hide
nowhere to run, got nowhere to ride
nothing in front of me, nothing inside
each day a little more of me's died

There's too many books yet to be read

too many words that need to be said
too many movies yet to be seen
too many places I've never been
too many things still left to be done
too many tears and not enough fun
too many foods that I'd like to meet
too many people I wanna eat
too many lessons I haven't learned
too many prizes yet to be earned

too many hours I've wasted away

too many dues I still have to pay
too much to do before I have aged
too many regrets for just one page

Every day's a new decision

on each so much depends
life's a script in constant revision
can't wait to see how it ends

To strive for perfection will drive you insane

to know what you want not how to attain
perhaps if we pause from our folly and fuss
we'll see it is God who is winking at us

I'm barely competent as a player

and even less a singer
to try to do them both at once
I'm adequate at neither

Lingering dissatisfaction
frustration, fear & rage
I'm like a beast who's always trapped
and pacing in my cage

Always want what you can't have

and "reality" just makes you mad
nothing ever goes as planned
life's not perfect, that's too bad
Each day resolve to fight anew
the battle with no end
I'll wage to win the war within
again, again, and again

THE AESTHETIC EMPIRE ANTHEM

A fantasy, philosophy
a viable commercial entity
it's sublime so be inclined
the Aesthetic Empire's a state of mind
so listen dude, don't be a goob
all you need is an attitude
the Aesthetic Empire rocks
The Aesthetic Empire calls
join the party, be yourself
if you've got the balls
I once had a dog
but now he is dead
he pissed on the carpet
so I kicked him in the head

In determining guilt or innocence

the scales of justice weigh the dollars & the cents

With all sincerity in her eyes

she recites that fatal line
we all have heard too many times
"we can still be friends"
five words like the kiss of death
"we can still be friends"
you tell me that I'm "too intense"
well now pardon me
perhaps I would be more your style
with a lobotomy
so listen just this once my dear
I'll try to make it crystal clear
five words I never want to hear
are "we can still be friends".

I can tell you what I think

and tell you how I feel
I can share experience
but can't tell you what's real
I can utter words of wisdom
and show great folly too
I can offer my opinion
not tell you what to do

I became your prey the day

I fell into your bed
and now no way can I escape
my fate within your web
such a knave, I to believe
in courtship quick to wed
no one can save me now your slave
at least until I'm dead
 Thomas & Alice Laffey – Parental Units

people tell me what to do, how to be, and where it's at

got nothin' better than to worry what's under my hat
petty minded small thinkers, can't see the forest for the trees
spend their lives being consumed by trivialities

Eat it, fuck it, fight it, flee

the operating system of humanity
genetic survival program in our core
yet opposable thumbs alone don't make
music, art or poetry
we may be animals, yet so much more

Hope for the best, expect the worse

life can be a blessing or a curse
sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it rocks
full of irony and paradox
I'm tired of thinking, why can't I see
I'm tired of trying, just want to be
tired of talking, talking about me
time to surrender, then you are free

I've spent too much time, lying in bed

way too much time, inside my head
I want to try doing something instead
I want to try living before I'm dead

see the glass darkly, as through a haze

we're scrambling around like rats in a maze
living like robots most of our days
that's not enough - I'm changing my ways

Seems like life is giving me

a case of extreme third degree
heap on another indignation
what's one more humiliation

I've said all I can

and done all that I could
but trying to love you baby
is like trying burn wet wood

You've dragged me through the dirt

and shook me to the core
you've taken everything I have
and still you ask for more
Like a moth to the flame
this fatal attraction
it's you who I blame
for my dissatisfaction
what a pity and a shame
I followed your instruction
no surprises when it came
my ultimate destruction

Why do I do evil
why can't I do good
why can't I be faithful
and do as I should?

Why am I so lazy
and so full of fear
am I just crazy
the answer's not clear

And even if it was, I have no will or inclination

for I can resist everything, that is, except temptation
worst of all, the saddest truth in this whole damn equation
I always fail to live up to my own expectation
POISON

Poison in the water, poison in the air

poison in the Earth, there's poison everywhere
poison in our mind, and poison in our soul
poison in our body, yes poison takes it's toll
poison in our corporations, poison by the hour
poison in our politics, poison is in power
poison in our media, poison in our courts
poison in our prisons, and poison in resorts
poison from the pulpit, poison in the pew
poison in the Pagan, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jew
poison in the drugs we take, poison in our foods
poison in our feelings, thoughts, beliefs and attitudes

Another gray hair taunting me

reminder of mortality
every day of my decay new evidence I see
there is no escaping from the law of entropy
and death alone our one and only common destiny

Early Aesthetic Empire meeting – The Emperator, the Bug Meister & Lord Boogie
Go ahead and laugh, I can take it!
Meeting the Wheedle, the Seattle Sonics masot prior to Squatch. I had won two free
tickets to a game for making the Wheedle a birthday card. The Sonics beat the Chicago
Bulls (pre Michael Jordan) 99- 95
Peek-a-boo it’s Rhema Roo…
Aria Jenae with glasses that are amazingly not lost at this moment
Hey how do you drive this thing?

A Tylenol moment
Please wash using gentle cycle
I was just sitting there minding my own business when this blue orb attacked me…

Aria's set for stun look

 You meet all kinds of weird people in the city

Long time buddy Mike Toll and I during our ad-dude-lescence

 Oh no Rhema don't look, it's clowns!...

Catherine Deneuve – semi-famous French actress, Channel #5 spokeswoman

Hey if I become a trucker can I have my own CB handle?

Bongo baby
The Pug and Uncle converse on strategy

Daddy can I have a pet dragon?

Alright I'm ready to perform the lobotomy, where's my hatchet?...
We’ll talk about a Harley later dear…
Look Daddy, Robberbarons!
Hey mom does beer make you smarter?

Aria about to be embraced by Michael Stipe

Ah you shouldn't have...

It's just a little vertgo

 Zzzzzzzzz......

The Sasquatch will never find me here

 Is that a rhetorical question?

Tim congratulating me on fatherhood

Do I look sexy?
Alright Dad, this will do for now, but tomorrow I want a real pony

One small step for Rhema…

Would you like to hear some Stockhausen?
Safford Gothic
Another family Christmas long, long ago and far, far away…

Hey about that reindeer turd in my stocking….

Ah, vinyl!….
A boy and his mutt. Reunited with Rusty
Her majesty Aria
Queen Rhema
Aria’s favorite daddy pic
Bondy & I (plus Bondy’s dog) - Pasadena California

The infamous running, lefty, bank, hook shot

Hey these flying bears are making us paranoid

San Antonio Texas

The traditional Christmas potato

A vegetable of a different sort

 45’s for Christmas

Linda gets into the holiday spirit

This Martian would have us believe he comes in peace, but I don’t buy it (note antenae)
The fro bros
Ungowa! What do for you can I?
Nothing better
THE ULTIMATE SURVEY!!!!

Take this survey if you have the guts & stamina and send it back to me. There will prizes
for the most creative answers

What is your full name?

What is your birthday?

What is your ethnic origin?

Where do you live?

What is your occupation?

Parent, if so how many that you know about?

What color is your hairs, eyes, nipples?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite marsupial?

Have you ever eaten a bug?

Do you still believe in Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, true love?

If you could own any car (or other vehicle) in the universe which would it be?

Where in the world would you most like to visit, live, nuke?

What would be your ideal occupation?

What characteristic of yours would you like to change the most, both physical & other?

Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or Rick Moranis?

Favorite & least favorite food?

What historical place/time would you most like to visit/live?

Favorite Beatle?

Five dead historical people you’d most like to meet?

Five living people you’d most like to meet?

Five people on life support you’d most like to meet?

Ever had an orgasm via grocery produce? Other method?

Ever used an “illegal” drug before? Which ones? Which the most?

Ever dated outside your species?

Greatest hope & fear?

If you had any new children what would you name your son/daughter?

Top three pet peeves?

What piece of technology could you least live without?

Do you believe in 1: Aliens 2: Angels 3: Demons 4: justice?

When was the last time you laughed/cried?

Has any male ever treated you in a manner less than a perfect gentleman would?

Favorite fantasy/daydream?

Do you dream in: 1: stereo 2: mono: 3: quadraphonic 4: surround sound?

Ever been kissed? Where?

Least favorite fungi?

If you had a tattoo (or another tattoo) what would it say, what would it be, & where would
it be?

How would you like to be remembered?

What would you like to most forget?

What do you believe happens after death?

Closest to death you’ve ever experienced?

Do you believe the human soul is immortal?

Religious affiliation & importance in 25 words or less?

Are you a virgin, and if not would you like to regain it?

Ever bungee jump, sky dive, fly a glider or light airplane?

Have you ever owned a painting/poster of dogs playing poker?

Favorite cartoon characters? Name three

Best/worst subjects in school?

Did you ever eat food that fell on the floor?

3 times you laughed hardest in your life?

3 most embarrassing things you ever said/did?

3 Biggest regrets?

Your ultimate ambition in life?

Top 10 fave musical artists/albums/songs?

Top 10 fave movies?

Top 10 fave TV shows?

Top 10 fave books?

What is the one thing you lost that you wish most you could have back?

Ever broken a bone in your life?

Worst injury ever sustained?

Best injury ever sustained?

Do you swallow or absorb via osmosis?

Ever been mad enough at someone to want to kill them?

Ever hear of Oscar Wilde? Favorite quote?

If a genie (or is it Jeanie?) gave you 3 wishes what would you choose?

What superhuman power would you most like to possess?

In lieu of a black hole, what color hole would you like to travel through?

Ever eat paste or sniff glue?

Favorite dinosaur or other extinct animal?

Scariest torture you could imagine other than filling out this survey?

Favorite/least favorite sport to play/watch

Ever been arrested or go to jail. What for? How long?

Ever steal anything? Have something stolen from you?

Dumbest fad you’ve seen in your lifetime? Dumbest you’ve actually participated in?
Favorite & least favorite holiday and why?

Favorite board game?

Favorite video game?

Favorite card game?

Favorite Disney cartoon?

Favorite comic strip?

Favorite ice cream?

Favorite crustacean?

Favorite archipelago?

Ever play with dolls?

Ever get into a physical fight? Did you win or lose more?

Ever told someone you love them? Been told by someone?

Ever told someone you hate them? Been told by someone?

Ever told someone you want to bear their two headed alien love child?

Ever attempt suicide, think about it, know somebody who did?

Have you ever been institutionalized?

Ever kicked a guy in the nuts?

Celebrity you’d most like to date?

Celebrity you’d most like to smack?

Greatest mystery in the world/life?

Best 3 concerts you ever attended? Worst?

Worst offense that can be done to you?

Greatest gift ever given to you? (by a human)

Favorite wood/tree/plant/flower?

Most despised cliché?

In your opinion is there such thing as a “just” war?

Is there anything you feel strongly enough about to die for? If so what?

Nicest compliment ever received?

Worst insult ever given?

Subject you most/least like to discuss?

Biggest turn on/turn off?

If you knew you were going to die in a month what would you do or do differently?

Something you made that you are most proud of (excluding children)?

What makes you feel the most: 1: humble 2: in awe 3: bored 4: happy 5: sad?

What book, musical album, movie or other artistic experience have you NOT experienced
but are most curious about?

Have you or would you ever: 1: parachute 2: bungee jump 3: streak 4: wrestle an
alligator?

What are you most vain about?

What aspect of the world/society is now gone that you feel is the most tragic loss?
Most unusual experience?

Do you or have you ever played a musical instrument?

Did you ever attend a school prom?

Worst date, why?

Have you ever water or snow skied?

Most exhaustive thing you ever did besides this survey?

What belief/attitude that you once held do you now think just the opposite?

Most disgusting thing you ever ate/drank?

What do you collect or have you ever collected?

Ever seen a Marx Brothers movie? Favorite?

Favorite Black & White film?

Favorite beverage, snack food?

Ever walk out of a theater in the middle of a movie?

Most overrated person/thing in the world today?

Greatest bliss you could imagine experiencing in this plane of exhistance?

Oldest musical artist you like?

Do you like British humor? Name examples

Ever written a poem, sonnet, limerick, graffiti?

Something you never tire of?

Political affiliation?

Ever voted in an election?

Ever served on a jury?

Most offensive question asked in this survey?

Ever cut school?

Ever tell a lie?

Ever roll a nun?

Worst crime ever committed?

Best crime ever committed?

Ever been raped?

Ever been rescued?

Funniest thing old people do?

Funniest thing babies & children do?

Do you ever hope to be (re) married?

Do you ever hope to have (more) children?

Thing you dread most about growing old besides fat belly/sagging boobs?

Ever have a crush on a teacher?

How would you describe your ideal man/woman?

When driving do you ever speed/drive too slow?

Are your sins forgiven?

Do you like Star Trek? Favorite series/episode/character?

Do you ever get 1: car sick 2: sea sick 3: airsick 4: dimension jump sick?

Ever commit an act of charity?

Favorite Marvel superhero?

Favorite underground comic?

If you could be another animal which one?

Worst musical genre?

Funniest movie you ever saw?

Ever kissed a maggot brain scum sucking parasite?

Favorite sandwich?

Favorite breakfast cereal?

Favorite Monty Python sketch?

Would you rather be able to fly like a bird or breathe underwater like a fish?

Foreign languages you know or would like to learn?

Tallest building you’ve ever been in?

Favorite ethnic cuisine?

Would you rather roller blade around the world or eat tripe?

Most embarrassing outfit you ever wore?

Most recurring dream/nightmare?

Do you like smegma?

Ever flipped somebody off while driving? Other form of road rage?

Earliest memory? Earliest forget?

Stupidest religion in your opinion and why?

Ever play mumbletypeg?

Ever violate known laws of physics?

Animal name you find funniest?

Can you do a pull up?

Ever shoot a gun? A bazooka? An intercontinental ballistic missile?

Ever play strip poker, spin the bottle, or skinny dip?

Ever wear dreadlocks or a mohawk?

Craziest thing you ever said/did/think?

Do you sing in the shower?

Do you yodel in the shower?

Do you do bird calls in the shower?

Ever been spanked for pleasure?

Greatest frustration?

When you die, how do you want your body disposed of?

If you were married were you in a: 1: Church 2: garden 3: courthouse 4: casino

5: graveyard 6: parking lot 7: other
Favorite orifice?

Favorite condiment?

Ever been homeless?

Favorite geometric shape?

Ever fall asleep during: 1: Church 2: school 3: public speech 4: sex?

Ever been shot or shot at?

Most acceptable flaw in a man/woman?

Do you prefer the company of men, women or hermaphrodites?

Favorite property in Monopoly?

How old were you when you first saw a penis (excluding babies)?

Ever hear of female circumcision? Would you like to experience it?

Ever puked in public?

Ever take a psychedelic drug? Ever hallucinate?

Ever had sex in a public place?

What kind of dancing do you like?

Ever snow board down the Matterhorn?

Ever cheat on your taxes?

Ever cheat at a game?

Ever cheat on a boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife?

Favorite self-help/inspirational book?

Favorite meat/fish/fruit/veggie?

Cake, pie or camel dung?

How many politicians can’t be wrong?

Do you ever swear?

How many word per minute can you type?

Do you think I’ll ever run out of questions to ask?

Skill or aptitude that you lack that you most wish you had?

Do you believe farting to be immoral?

Do you think special effects is cheating?

Have you ever danced at a disco?

Best/worst pickup line you ever heard?

Why are men fundamentally better bullshit artists than women?

Why are there more men comics than women?

Do you believe men should have the right to bear children?

Which is worse? Beer gut, small penis, receding hairline, bad B.O.?

How many angels fit on the end of a pin?

If the meaning of life is not “42” the what is it?