Professional Documents
Culture Documents
b
Sugar and Spice and
Everything Nice
times, editing and reediting it before she hits send. “My hus-
band thinks I’m being neurotic when I do that,” Janet told me.
“I think I’m being thorough. But if I’m being really honest,
I’d say I’m being cautious so I don’t annoy or offend anyone.”
I work with an executive coach who tells me all the time
that being liked is overrated. She does not say this to the über-
successful male CEOs she coaches; she doesn’t have to. After
all, their role models are men like Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos
who are notorious for not being people pleasers, so they don’t
give a damn whether they’re liked or not.
Despite my coach’s urgings, I do worry about being liked.
Running for office, especially in New York City, I built a
pretty tough skin when it comes to public criticism. But on
a day-to-day level, I care whether my team likes me. I care a
lot. I want them to think I’m the most amazing boss they’ve
ever had—which makes giving them critical feedback really
hard. I do it, because I know I have to be the CEO, but ugh.
In my personal life, I get completely twisted up inside if I have
a disagreement with a friend or if I sense my parents or hus-
band are upset with me. I’ve definitely spent nights worrying
about how a colleague, an acquaintance—even a complete
stranger!—may have interpreted something I’ve said, and I’ve
soft-pedaled way too many times when I really should have
ripped someone a new one.
Just yesterday a guy cut in front of me in line while I was
buying a sandwich and even though I was pissed, I didn’t say
a word because I didn’t want to be rude—and this was some-
one I didn’t even know and would likely never see again.
And I too have been guilty of saying nice things even when
I secretly think the exact opposite, so as to not offend (hello,
salty lemonade). Haven’t we all?
The result of all this toxic people pleasing is that your whole
ment in our early life sliced into our resilience. We just didn’t
get the practice we needed to give us the bounceback that life
demands. The good news here is that it’s never too late. We
can build resilience through bravery, and in later chapters, I’ll
show you how.
Perfection or Bust
When girls first walk into our Girls Who Code program, we
immediately see their fear of not getting it right on full dis-
play. Every teacher in our program tells the same story.
At some point during the early lessons, a girl will call her
over and say she is stuck. The teacher will look at her screen
and the girl’s text editor will be blank. If the teacher didn’t
know any better, she’d think her student had spent the past
twenty minutes just staring at the screen.
But if she presses “undo” a few times, she’ll see that her
student wrote code and deleted it. The student tried. She came
close. But she didn’t get it exactly right. Instead of showing
the progress she made, she’d rather show nothing at all.
Perfection or bust.
Dr. Meredith Grossman is a psychologist on the Upper
East Side of Manhattan. With its concentration of highly
competitive private schools, it is arguably the high-pressure-
school capital of the world. She works with many girls to help
them manage anxiety, and I asked her to tell me a little about
what she sees on a daily basis.
“What’s fascinating is the extreme amount of work they
put into everything, and how much they underestimate their
performance,” she said. “I work with a lot of highly intelligent
girls, and the quality of their writing is superior to what most
adults can produce. But I constantly hear, ‘I couldn’t possibly
Sound familiar?
When you tell someone with a fixed mindset that they are
smart or talented, they etch these messages into the “this is
how I am” truth in their minds. That sounds like good, posi-
tive self-esteem building, but the problem is that after being
Silenced Voices
On a gray afternoon in late January, I sat around a conference
table talking with a group of high school girls from Harlem.
Kim, the most opinionated of the group, sat up straight with
unusual presence for a girl her age. All outward signs pointed
to a confident, secure young woman so I was surprised when
she shared her inner reality with us.
“I feel like whenever girls speak up for themselves, we get
slapped down for it because it seems like we’re being bossy,”
she said. “Especially if I stand up for myself as a black woman
specifically, boys really don’t get it. If a boy does it, it’s like he’s
a boss man . . . but if it’s me, I’m just an angry black woman.
Boys will say dumb stuff like they only like light-skinned
don’t despair—a ll hope is not lost, for you or for your daugh-
ter! As psychologist Dr. Meredith Grossman says, “It’s not
about parents screwing up. It’s about becoming aware of these
internalized beliefs and making different choices.”
We can reverse and relearn these habits—and help our
daughters do the same—w ith just a little awareness and prac-
tice. And in Part Three I’ll share my best tips, ideas, and strat-
egies for doing exactly that.