Faith

 
Hope and Love

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 Faith Hope and Love
Umera Ahmed

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent and the Merciful

Dedicated to Allah

Preface

Faith Hope and Love (Eman, Umeed aur Mohabat) is one of my personal
favorites from amongst my own writings, as it seems to be of the readers,
whose feedback I depend on to gauge the quality and popularity of my
works.

With the story, Faith Hope and Love I have ventured into newer areas to
widen your horizons so that readers look at life from other angles; angles
that I myself view life from. It is possible that the images that I have
presented are either too insipid or too vivid for your tastes. It is also
possible that the aspects of life I describe here do not appeal to you at all.
Nevertheless, amongst the six billion inhabitants of this wide world we
live in, at least one person, that is I, see life the way I have described it
and have endeavored to paint the canvas of life the way I have told this
story. Heed the colors I have splashed on this canvas of this story, these
are what I want the world to see and what I would like humans to
incorporate into their personalities.

Writing to suit a variety of tastes and opinions is very exciting but to

write what you as a writer wish to express is even more exciting.
Therefore, I have written this story my way and perhaps when you read
it, you might feel that it represents ‘your own’ ideas too.

Umera Ahmed
umeraahmed@yahoo.com

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 Chapter 1

He was slowly rising to consciousness and trying to open his eyes. The
moment he regained consciousness the first sensation was of pain; an
extreme pain at the back of his head. With a groan he closed his eyes
again. He felt a soft touch on his shoulder, a soft pressure of reassurance.
Then he became aware of a soft voice very close to his ear asking him,
‘How do you feel? What are you feeling?’

Reassured by the sympathy in the soft voice, he tried to open his eyes
again. It was difficult but finally he succeeded. At the edge of the bed he
saw images, floating images, like halos. He tried to discern the images
and focus on the moving floating shapes but he was unsuccessful. The
pain was excruciating. He closed his eyes and began to groan again.

‘What’s your name?’ the voice asked another question. For a few
moments he continued to groan with eyes tightly shut; he was trying to
remember his name.. Who was he? What was his name? He continued to
search for the answer in the depths of his mind. At first there was no
recollection…and then a spark of illumination and he softly whispered
his name.

‘What’s your phone number; your home number?’ The voice persisted,
questioning.

He tried to recall his phone number but he couldn’t. His mind seemed to
be confused and his thoughts were all fragmented. Without a word he
continued to groan in distress.

‘What’s your home phone number?’ the voice repeated.

He whispered hesitantly, ‘I don’t remember.’

There was silence for a few moments. ‘Can you tell us your work
number?’ the voice asked again.

He tried to sort through the confusion in his mind and search for the
information requested, but once again he was unsuccessful; he couldn’t
remember his work number either.

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‘Can you remember your work number?’

‘No,’ he whispered this time.

‘Think, try to remember.’ The voice prodded him., Someone patted his
shoulder reassuringly.

‘I don’t remember.’ he repeated. The pain suddenly became more

intense, almost unbearable.

Do you know where you are?’ asked the voice.

He opened his eyes and tried to identify the person who was asking him
all these questions, but the face was unfamiliar. He could only keep his
eyes open for a few seconds, but then the agony forced him to close them
again.

‘Hospital,’ he said softly and hesitatingly. Then the darkness took over
and he was lost.

‘He’s lapsed back into unconsciousness,’ said the doctor holding the
patient’s wrist and feeling the pulse.

‘I hope he hasn’t relapsed into a coma,’ said the attending nurse.

‘No, there is no danger of that. But I think it will be a good half hour or
so before he regains consciousness,’ said the seemingly satisfied doctor
to the nurse.

‘He can’t seem to remember anything but his name. How in heavens
name is the police supposed to inform his family,’ said the nurse in
frustration.

‘I don’t know,’ replied the doctor. ‘It’s their job. They’ll manage to do
so. Our responsibility was saving his life and we have been successful in
doing that,’ said the doctor nonchalantly. The nurse remained silent,
unresponsive to the doctor’s matter of fact attitude. She cast a quick
glance at the patient and followed the doctor out of the room. Now the
patient lay unconscious and alone in the room; no one at his bedside.
*******************

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‘Love is like a dark forest, once you enter, it doesn’t allow you to leave.
And if you manage to do so, the eyes have become so accustomed to the
darkness of the forest that they can’t see because they become
accustomed to the dark and are blinded in the light…. So much so, that
they are unable to discern even that which is clear, evident, and bright.’

Thinking these thoughts she slowly closed her eyes. She tried to recall
who she had said this to and when. And she remembered exactly who she
had said these words to and when.

‘Yes, what I have entered is indeed a dark forest. I can neither remain
here nor find my way out. In fact if I do emerge from the darkness of this
deep forest, I don’t think I will be able to see. I will be of the seeing
blind; I have the gift of sight but I will remain sightless exactly the way it
has been for the last five years when I…’

‘Umeed, Umeed,’ her mother’s voice broke through her reverie.

‘Why are you sitting here in the dark?’ her mother questioned.

‘I just felt like it, Mother…I felt like sitting here. Inside it was too
claustrophobic.’ In the darkness Mother could not see the tears sliding
down Umeed’s cheeks nor could she discern from Umeed’s voice that
she had been crying silently sitting out there in the dark.

‘The oppressiveness that you feel is due to the expected storm. When the
rain comes, the climate will improve and the stillness will lift.’ Mother
spoke reassuringly. ‘Should I turn on the courtyard lights?’ she asked.

‘No, I feel calmed by the darkness, I don’t want the light to disturb this
tranquility’ replied Umeed without turning towards Mother. She thought
to herself, ‘If only Mother knew what I have done, she might let me
remain in the dark forever.’

‘I don’t understand you. Your habits are strange. How can light be a
cause of distress?’ she asked standing behind Umeed. ‘Sitting in the dark
this way is not good for anyone’, she continued.

‘Just for a short while,’ Umeed wheedled. ‘Then I will come in,‘ she
promised, the tears still silently flowing down her cheeks.

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But Mother would not let up. “What about dinner? When will you eat?”
she asked with concern.

‘In a little while,’ replied Umeed.

‘I’m going inside. You come in quickly too,’ she urged.

Umeed remained silent listening to the retreating footsteps. Then she

thought regretfully, ‘I wish she hadn’t remained standing behind me. I
wish she had come in front and faced me. She might have seen my tears
or she would have heard the tears in my voice and asked what was
wrong. Then I would have told her everything…everything, each word,
each letter, everything that I have kept to myself all these years; all that I
have bottled up and haven’t been able to reveal to anyone. I feel as
though I am a grave holding a corpse of secrets unshared.’ She leant back
in the chair in the courtyard, continuing to think thoughts of regret.

‘But why did he do this to me? Why me? I…’ she couldn’t continue.
‘True, even I haven’t been sincere. I always took him for granted, but
then I had no desire for all this…’She bit down on her lip trying to
control the tears that flowed down her cheeks, and dripped down her
neck becoming absorbed into the neckline of her kameez.

The wind suddenly began to blow and she could feel the dust in the wind.
The trees swayed frantically and the falling leaves swirled and crashed
into her inert figure. She stood up and reluctantly went into the house and
closed the door against the storm raging outside. She went into her room
and lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.

How long had she been here? She couldn’t remember. She tried to return
to where she had come from, but she couldn’t muster the strength or the
courage to do so.

‘You’ve fallen into bad habits. The next time he comes, I will talk to him.
Why doesn’t he stop you, why does he let you come and go according to
your own whims and fancies?” Mother rattled on. ‘You must look after
yourself. You can’t continue to be careless, it’s not appropriate under the
circumstances.’

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Umeed remained silent, listening wordlessly to her mother.

She closed her eyes and tried to recall the events of her life. Where had
she gone wrong? Or had she gone wrong? She had only tried to preserve
the ethical values and principles that she believed in. Was that wrong?
Was that a mistake? She felt she was in no position to moralize anymore.

*******************

She opened her eyes. She could hear someone reciting the verses from
the Holy Quran. She knew the voice well and also knew that the voice
would shortly wake her up. She sat up rubbing her half closed eyes and
stifled the yawn with her hand over her mouth.

‘I don’t understand how Dad manages to wake up so early in the

morning, may be he doesn’t sleep all night,’ she said to herself. She got
off the bed, aroused Adeela, her sister, and then she left the room.

‘Very good, you woke up yourself today; I didn’t have to waken you.”
Major Alam Javed said, looking at his daughter as she emerged yawning
from her room.

‘Yes, I thought I would spare you the bother of coming in to wake me,’
she replied sitting next to him. Closing the Holy Book, he held her close,
‘Now that you are awake, perform the ablution and say your morning
prayers’ he cajoled

She was the older daughter of Major Alam Javed. In fact the eldest of all
the children. She had a younger sister, Adeela, followed by twin brothers.
Not only the eldest of the children, she was also her father’s favorite and
therefore very indulged. Despite the fact that she was in Grade 10, and
getting ready to sit the matriculation exam, she was lively and child-like
because of the way her father indulged her. As a child she sat on her
father’s lap most of the time he was home. Now as a young girl, she
remained devoted to him and whenever they were both at home, she
remained his shadow. She preferred her father taking care of her rather
than her mother. She demanded his attention and his time for every little
task that needed doing. He helped her cover her school books with brown
paper, he prepared her lunch box for school, and even combed her long
hair. In fact, Umeed demanded that Father comb her hair for her. This

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demanding indulgence was the outcome of Major Alam’s attention to his
daughter since she was a baby. Now, as a young girl, Umeed’s mother
often objected to this pattern of behavior but Umeed adamantly
demanded from the father and Major Alam Javed obliged in every way
that he could.

Whenever Major Alam went off for a few days on some military
exercise, no one missed him more than Umeed. No matter how much
Mother tried to help her, she was always dissatisfied and cried bitterly for
her father, waiting anxiously for his return. Mother would become upset
with Umeed’s whining and would often refuse to help. In fact the
batman, who was the Major’s domestic aide, was also told not to help
Umeed since she was so bad-tempered while her father was away. She
was a handful, constantly throwing tantrums during his absence.

Usually when Major Alam returned, Umeed had a litany of complaints

and he listened attentively and indulged her littlest desire for the next
many days.

Umeed had always seen her father as a practicing devout Muslim. He

prayed regularly and also encouraged Umeed to start praying from a very
young age. While she remained his shadow, he instructed her in Islamic
traditions and values, some of which she understood, and some she
didn’t. But she looked forward to the instruction and listened attentively
to everything he told her.

*************************

Life was wonderful. Consistent and peaceful and so secure! Umeed

scored high on her annual examinations and completed her matriculation.
She then decided to continue with her education and sought admission in
FSc. Around this time she became aware of unexplained changes in the
atmosphere at home. Mom and Dad both seemed to have become rather
subdued and there were times when she saw her mother secretly wiping
away tears. Father also seemed unusually quiet and withdrawn. His
moments of laughter and merriment were fewer and the light seemed to
have gone out of his eyes. In fact his entire being seemed to have
dimmed. A number of times Umeed approached her parents and asked
what was wrong, but they evaded the issue and distracted her.

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One day Major Alam Javed called Umeed over to him and sat her down.
He held her hand and broke the news to her.

‘I must tell you some important things today,’ he said. She felt something
strange in his voice something she had never encountered before and it
frightened her. He then informed her that during a regular medical check
up the doctor had discovered three tumors in his brain and he felt that
immediate surgery was imperative. She had never been as frightened in
her life as she felt that day, staring into her father’s face.

’I have no option,’ Major Alam continued. ‘If I agree to the surgery, there
are few chances of survival. If I don’t, it is only a question of time before
my condition deteriorates and my eyesight will be the first to go.’ Then,
he became silent; he seemed to be too overcome with emotion to speak.
Umeed stared at him unblinkingly, disbelievingly.

Major Alam Javed started to speak again. He reminded her, ‘You are the
eldest child. After me all responsibility rests with you. You will have to
shoulder the burden of the family bravely and courageously.’ He
continued to provide guidance in a low voice, talking to her alone.

‘But I can’t do anything!’ she exclaimed in alarm.

‘You’ll do it, you’ll learn and do whatever is required…you will have to

otherwise what will happen to the family?’

He went on to tell her, ‘I am being released from the army on health

grounds. The days ahead are going to be extremely difficult especially for
the younger children. Your mother felt it was not fair to tell you the
details of my condition because you would not be able to bear the grief
but I want to share this with you, I think you have a right to know,
because I feel I can depend on you since you are the eldest. I assured her
that you are brave and courageous.’

Her eyes became teary and she said, ‘Mother was right, I’m not strong
enough to bear this news.’ Inwardly though she silently complained,
‘Why is this happening to my father, he has always…..’

He did not say anything, he just looked at her and she felt herself
shrinking into nothingness.

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’Much happens in life, Umeed. If we could change our fate by shedding
tears, everyone would adopt that course of action—the way you are”,
said Major Alam Javed gently. He bent forward and wiped away the tears
flowing down her cheeks. ‘Everyone wants to live…but this decision is
not in our hands; it’s not in my hands either.’

She couldn’t bear it anymore and flung herself into her father’s arms.

‘I can’t believe it; I can’t believe what you are telling me…how can this
be? Why is this happening to us? How will we live without you?’ she
sobbed, and continued to sob bitterly. Holding her Major Alam too began
to weep silently. Father and daughter cried together, embracing each
other for a very long time. Umeed wasn’t aware of time passing; all she
knew is that it felt like a lifetime. When they were finally all cried out
and had become quiet, father and daughter continued to talk softly
together about her role in the future.

************************

That night was one the most horrible of all nights in her life. She couldn’t
sleep a wink. In fact, even closing her eyes was almost impossible. Her
tortured mind questioned, will everything change so easily? Will
everything I have taken for granted in life… my home, my father, and
myself …just disintegrate into nothingness? What will I do? I …I’ve
never been without father…what’s going to happen? Why is this
happening to me? Why is it happening to us? Her fevered mind continued
to think these thoughts and she only knew it was morning when she heard
the familiar voice of her father, calmly and contentedly, reciting from the
Holy Quran as was his daily routine. The familiar routine overwhelmed
her with sadness and like a child, she burst into tears; crying for all she
was going to lose in the near future.

For the next many days, she stayed home from college. She spent most of
the time crying. Major Alam Javed would sit her down close to him and
console her as best he could. Slowly, over the days she was able to regain
control over her tears and grief. No, that’s not true; she hadn’t come to
terms with the situation, but she was able to put on a brave front for her
father, and he was consoled that Umeed had finally come to terms with
the devastating circumstances. However, Umeed continued to indulge in

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her grief when she was by herself and away from the watchful eyes of her
father.

She started going to college again, but this was a new Umeed, sober and
subdued; gone was her frivolity and gaiety. She now began to feel the
burden of her future responsibilities. The family had no personal or
family home nor did they have any substantial savings. Even the financial
settlement her father would receive on release from the army would not
offer any substantial financial security. They would only be able to
manage to buy a small simple abode and put away a small amount in a
fixed deposit scheme. However, there was so much else that they needed
for day to day expenses, where would that come from? And even if they
managed their expenses, Father would no longer be there, the thought
loomed large in Umeed’s mind.

Major Alam Javed had decided not to opt for surgery, as the chances of
recovery from it were negligible. Therefore the next few months were
torturous for the family and more so for Umeed. She saw her father
wasting away before her eyes. Major Alam was against surgery because
he said to his family, ‘I want to be conscious and aware during the short
time I have with you.’ Umeed knew that her father used to sometimes
have excruciating headaches, but he normally took a couple of painkillers
and his headaches would go away. Little did she know that these
headaches were symptoms of a deeper malady—the tumors that were in
his brain. In fact, his headaches seemed quite natural and normal because
the regular painkillers were so effective. No one could have imagined
that these simple common headaches were omens of a dreaded disease.

Major Alam Javed was reluctant to have surgery for one reason alone.
The doctors had said that his chances of survival were very slim and he
did not want that surgery should deprive him of the little time he had left.
He wanted to spend as much time as possible with his beloved family.
But a short life was ordained for him, and one night he passed away
quietly and peacefully in his sleep. For days afterwards the family could
not accept that he was no more. They felt his presence as if he were
amongst them still and that he would appear at any time; that he was in
another room and they would see him in a moment entering the room
where they sat. Acceptance of the fact that he had passed away came
slowly and gradually to all the family, but eventually they were able to
accept the reality of his death and come to terms with it. Umeed

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shouldered the responsibilities of the home with maturity and began to
play her role of caring for the family. A friend of their father’s had
sought grace period for them to remain in the house provided by the army
for the Major’s family, until they could find suitable accommodation.
During this trying period, only one person was her source of support and
strength and that was Jehanzeb. In fact it was due to all the support she
and her family received from Jehanzeb and his family that Umeed and
her family was able to cope with the disintegrated world that was theirs
after the death of her father.

*********************

Jehanzeb’s father and Major Alam Javed had been close friends. In fact,
the two families were well acquainted with each other and used to spend
a lot of time together. Jehanzeb’s father was a businessman who lived in
Rawalpindi, while Major Alam Javed’s family moved from place to place
due to his military postings. Nonetheless, the two families usually spent
the holidays together in Rawalpindi. Jehanzeb was about four or five
years older than Umeed but he was as fun-loving and boisterous as she
was. Because they spent so much time together, the two young people,
Umeed and Jehanzeb, came to care for each other deeply and both
families were aware of the romance blooming between them. The
families, in fact, accepted the romance quite happily and soon the two
were officially engaged to be married at a later date. The two young
people were extremely pleased with this arrangement. At the time of the
engagement, Umeed was still a schoolgirl studying for her matriculation
and she and Jehanzeb lived in different cities. Yet the romance flourished
because they often talked on the phone, with Jehanzeb calling fairly often
during the week.

During Major Alam Javed’s illness too, the families remained well-
connected. Jehanzeb’s family made it a point to travel down to see Major
Alam Javed every weekend. In fact, Jehanzeb’s father was quite insistent
that Major Alam travel to the USA for treatment where medical science
is much more advanced than in Pakistan. Major Alam Javed refused
because there were no guarantees that he would be cured even if he went
to the States. Plus, he didn’t have the money, and what little he had, he
wanted to leave for the family to live on after him. Were he to spend it
recklessly, the family would be homeless and utterly destroyed.
Jehanzeb’s father offered to bear the expenses for the treatment in

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America but Major Alam Javed adamantly refused, because he didn’t
want to take a favor of such a magnitude from anyone. Also, he didn’t
want that his daughter should be under such a deep obligation to her
future in-laws; perhaps, he though, it would make life complicated and
difficult for her later on.

The two families remained close after Umeed’s father died,. Jehanzeb
had completed his graduation and was busy preparing to go abroad for
higher education. Nevertheless, he continued to visit her on weekends
and called her everyday. His reassuring presence and his consoling
attitude helped her cope with the emotional turmoil of those difficult days
following the death of her father. So grateful was she for his presence and
for all the comfort he provided in her hour of distress, that her love for
him deepened with each passing day. After a short while Jehanzeb left
for his studies abroad. He promised to keep in touch and remained true to
his word. He not only wrote to her frequently, he also phoned her fairly
often.

Soon after Jehanzeb’s departure, his father helped Umeed’s family invest
the small amount they received from the army as the Major’s benefits.
Through wise utilization of what little they received, Umeed’s family
managed to buy a small but comfortable home in Rawalpindi and they
moved there. Around the same time, Umeed sat her FSc examinations
and her results were outstanding. She could have easily gotten into
medical college, but she knew the family couldn’t afford that financially.
She knew the returns on their small investments were not enough to live
on comfortably, so she decided to forego her education, and instead
supplement the income from the investments by finding a job and
contributing to the family expenses. At first she tried her hand at various
jobs in Rawalpindi, but when she realized that the opportunities were
limited, she decided it was time to venture further and moved to Lahore
in search of a better job and a more substantial and satisfying salary.

Her own education was limited to Intermediate and therefore a drawback

to finding a job that paid well. She realized that there was no chance of
her finding work that paid a reasonable salary. She knew she would have
to study further in order to improve her chances of getting a better job.
Keeping this in mind, she had already enrolled as a private candidate to
complete her BA. Her life became really hectic now. She would rise at
five in the morning and study until eight. It was then time to get dressed

  13  
and go to work to her job as a receptionist in an office. She worked in the
office until three in the afternoon. After that she would go tutor children
at their homes. This would go on until eight in the evening. She would
return to her room in the women’s hostel where she was living, only to
pursue her own studies until she fell into an exhausted sleep at eleven or
even midnight. This is how she managed to remit a substantial amount as
financial support for her family every month.

Despite the fact that she led such a hard and mechanical life, she was not
unhappy. In fact she was even tempered, content and calm. She always
thought to herself when reading Jehanzeb’s letters, ‘All this is merely a
temporary inconvenience. When Jehanzeb returns after completing his
education, everything will be alright. I will have expended my
obligations, and then Jehanzeb and I will be together leading a happy
life.’

Her roommate Aqeela knew all about Umeed’s relationship with

Jehanzeb, she often eyed Umeed’s letters that arrived regularly and
commented, ‘You are very lucky, Umeed, Jehanzeb seems to be a
wonderful man. I’m surprised he hasn’t strayed despite being in the
liberated atmosphere of the West and he is still true to you and maintains
regular contact with you.’ Umeed only smiled; she knew she was lucky.
In fact, Aqeela was not alone in being envious of Umeed. All the young
women living in the hostel were fascinated and constantly talked about
the romance between Umeed and Jehanzeb. As far as Umeed was
concerned, Jehanzeb’s letters and cards brought her solace and helped her
cope with life.

A couple of times in the month she would go home to Rawalpindi for the
weekend. Jehanzeb’s father pleaded with her to give up this hectic life;
he offered to support her family and felt morally obliged to care for them.
But Umeed had her pride. Her ego would not allow her to put her to have
her family unnecessarily indebted to obligations from her future in-laws.
She told herself, ‘True, life is tough, I have to work hard and we can’t
afford any luxuries, but at least we are taking care of ourselves and not
taking undue advantage of anyone’s generosity. At least we are not
ashamed to face them because we are standing on our own feet.’ These
thoughts appealed to her and she continued working and struggling
willingly.

  14  
She finally completed her BA and also the required computer courses to
enable her to seek better jobs. She found one as a computer operator in a
company. Both her brothers were now in the tenth grade getting ready to
take their matriculation examinations. Jehanzeb reassured her that as
soon as they graduated he would arrange for them to go abroad to study
and seek their fortune. She was overcome by emotion and gratitude. She
felt Jehanzeb was a real savior and that he had done her many favors and
felt she could never repay him. In fact she told him the same thing but he
only replied that he wasn’t doing her any favors, whatever he was doing
was out of his love for her. This reply always made her feel that there
was light at the end of the tunnel; it was just a question of time before she
reached the end of the tunnel.

***********************

Jehanzeb completed his studies and returned to Pakistan. A few days

later, he arrived in Lahore and visited her at the hostel. He seemed to
have become even more attractive than he had been or as she
remembered him. He had driven down from Rawalpindi and said,
‘Umeed, we can’t talk like this sitting in the car or in the garden of your
hostel, we should go to a restaurant, have a meal together and spend
some time by ourselves.’

But Umeed’s conservative nature and her traditional upbringing would

not allow her to accede to his request. She said, ‘All we want to do is
talk, it’s not appropriate for us to go out together in public, people will
talk about me.’ She felt her refusal was perfectly correct.

But Jehanzeb was not appeased; ‘Let people talk, why should it matter to
you.’ He seemed totally unconcerned about her feelings and Umeed was
completely taken aback.

‘It matters to me,’ she said, ’because I have to live here and I don’t want
to be the object of gossip.’

Jehanzeb was not satisfied and argued, ‘Well, you have been here as long
as it was necessary. Now that I have returned I want to get married so
you needn’t be afraid of gossip.’

  15  
Umeed paled and said, ‘That’s true, but at least until I am here I want an
unsullied reputation.’ She tried to change the topic and talk about other
things, but Jehanzeb was not willing to let go.

‘I don’t see why you have to set yourself up on a pedestal of virtue,

Umeed. I thought having lived away from home you would have adopted
some liberal ideas and changed with the times, but you…..oh let it be for
the time being. Just come with me I have driven down to Lahore only to
be with you,’ he said.

‘Jehanzeb, try to understand,’ she pleaded. ‘It’s getting late and going out
with you….try to see it my way and try to understand my reservations.’
Jehanzeb remained unmoved and said, ‘I don’t see the problem. After all,
we are engaged, I’m your fiancé, just tell them at the hostel that you are
going out with your fiancé.’

‘All the girls who go out say they are going out with either their cousin or
their fiancé, and I know how people snigger behind their backs, and I
don’t want to be sniggered about and I just don’t think it’s right to make
myself the subject of gossip,’ she countered.

‘Umeed, this is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘You have to take my feelings into

consideration and agree to go out with me because I’m asking you to.’

She could tell that he was becoming impatient. She was surprised
because she had never known him to be so obstinate before. After they
had gotten engaged, they often talked on the phone and he often visited,
but he had never asked her to go out with him before; it just wasn’t done
in the type of families they came from. And now, not only was he being
insistent but he was also becoming belligerent and annoyed. Umeed was
beginning to feel quite uncomfortable with him and his attitude. In spite
of everything he said, she remained firm and refused to go out with him.
He left in a huff and she returned to her room quite upset.

Seeing her state and noting the expression of anguish that was evident on
Umeed’s face, Aqeela said, ‘What’s the matter? You seem rather upset
about something.’

‘No, nothing,’ replied Umeed sitting down on her bed.

  16  
‘You’d gone to meet Jehanzeb, did you meet him?’ asked Aqeela looking
at Umeed.

‘Yes,’ replied Umeed.

‘Did you have a fight with him?’

‘Yes.’

‘What happened?’

‘Aqeela, he wanted me to go out with him!’

‘So?’ said Aqeela, quite unfazed.

‘So….so I refused.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s not appropriate…my going out with him this way!’

‘Why is it not right? You are engaged to him…he’s your fiancé and he’s
returned after such a long time away.’

‘But it is wrong, Aqeela!’ she almost screamed. ‘What would have the
others in the hostel thought and what about my family, how would they
have felt?’

‘As far as the hostel is concerned, who cares? And as far as your family
is concerned, how would they have found out? They’re in Rawalpindi.’

‘That’s exactly the point. I don’t want to deceive them. I don’t want to
betray their trust’, she said quite plainly.

‘Well, Jehanzeb is quite justified in being annoyed. Girls like you

deserve this kind of treatment. He loves you…and you, you are worried
about your image and the effect it will have on your reputation, and what
will your family feel, and what will people say. Why don’t you think
about yourself for a change?’

  17  
‘What do you mean by that?’

‘The meaning is quite clear. He’s your fiancé and you must give priority
to him and his feelings. If he wanted to take you out, what’s wrong with
that?’

‘But it’s wrong… my father had told me, that it’s alright if you talk to
him on the phone, but don’t go out with him before you get married.’

Aqeela laughed sarcastically and said, ‘Your father died a long time ago.
Instead of staying true to the “pearls of wisdom” of the dead, learn to
consider the feelings of those who are alive.’

Umeed was shocked. She had not expected Aqeela to be so derisive in

referring to her father.

‘Look at me,’ said Aqeela. ‘I go out with Shafiq and we aren’t even
engaged. As far as you are concerned, I must be a “bad” girl.’

Umeed couldn’t understand what Aqeela was trying to do; was she only
being humorous, sarcastic, or…. ‘But that is your own decision. I don’t
care what others do and I don’t discuss their morals. But where I am
concerned, for myself, I don’t approve of going out with Jehanzeb.’

‘Why don’t you approve of it? You’ve been engaged to the man for nine
years, you care about him and that’s why you’re engaged to him. If you
were to forget what your father said, you yourself would realize there’s
no harm in going out him. He’s not going to eat you. If you can talk to
him on the phone, you can write to him, you don’t mind meeting him at
the hostel so then what’s the big deal about not going out with him? You
shouldn’t have double standards; that’s not right.’

Umeed couldn’t explain her reservations to Aqeela, so she quietly left the
room and stepped outside. For a long time she paced the lawn in a state
of anxiety and restlessness. Then she realized that Aqeela was coming
towards her.

‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere,’ said Aqeela. ‘You should’ve told
me you were going outside to sit on the lawn, would’ve saved me the

  18  
trouble,’ grumbled Aqeela. ‘Jehanzeb called on my cell phone. He’s
going to call again in a bit,’ she informed Umeed.

Umeed’s heart leapt with joy. She assumed he was not upset with her any
more. She accompanied Aqeela into her room quickly, in anticipation of
the expected phone call.

Jehanzeb called, and he apologized for the harsh stance he had taken
earlier. Umeed was so thrilled, she accepted the apology unconditionally.
He asked her, ‘Can you come to Rawalpindi this weekend?’

‘Why?’ she asked.

He explained, ‘My parents want to call on your family and I will

accompany them. At least we can meet there.’

‘Ok, I’ll come to ’Pindi’, she agreed readily.

The moment she put down the phone, Aqeela said, ‘You are very
fortunate Umeed to have found somebody like Jehanzeb, another person
would not…. Jehanzeb really loves you, you know.’

Umeed smiled in triumph and said, ‘There’s not an iota of doubt that he
loves me very much, he understands how I feel.’ Satisfied and relieved,
she continued towards the mess hall and dinner.

*********************

On the weekend she went to Rawalpindi. Jehanzeb and his parents paid
them a visit, and as usual, he was lively and charming.

‘My parents are going to set the wedding date today,’ Jehanzeb told
Umeed in an aside.

‘What, Really?’ she exclaimed. ‘So soon?’

‘Is it really so soon? Have you forgotten we’ve been engages for the last
eight, almost nine years? I’ve returned home to settle down. I’ve
completed my education, I’ve got a good job, now it’s time for me to
claim my bride and set up home,’ he said.

  19  
‘But Jehanzeb, you know I still have so many responsibilities. My sister
and my brothers are still…’ she tried to tell him.

‘Dear, don’t worry about your family. I can afford to support them on my
salary. The amount you are contributing, working and slaving, living
alone away from home, I can easily provide that amount….you just stop
worrying about them and leave the rest to me,’ he tried to reassure her.

‘Jehanzeb, I don’t want you or anyone else to take on the burden of my

family. They are my responsibility not yours and I can’t accept anyone
taking on the added expenditure of their well-being,’ said Umeed very
seriously.

‘They are not a burden as far as I’m concerned,’ said Jehanzeb. ‘Our
families go back a long way. And your brothers will soon become self-
supporting, and then they can fend for themselves. It’s only a question of
a few years.’

‘No, not even for a few years…I don’t want them to be obliged to you; as
it is you have done so much for me,’ said Umeed firmly.

‘Umeed, I haven’t done you any favors! Be clear in your mind about that.
I love you! And whatever I may have done for you has been out of
love… a moral obligation towards the one I love.’

‘Nevertheless, I do not want to load anyone with the burden of my

family. That load is for me to bear alone,’ she said.

‘Ok, I’ll tell you what. We can get married and you can continue to work
and whatever you earn you can use to support your family,’ suggested
Jehanzeb as a solution to the issue.

‘Will you really allow me to work?’ she asked.

‘Of course, for as long as your family needs the financial support, it’s
alright with me.’ Jehanzeb agreed readily and Umeed was pacified into
silence with this solution.

  20  
The elders set the date for the wedding; the marriage ceremonies were to
take place six weeks later. Having agreed on the details, and completing
the formalities, Jehanzeb and his parents left. After the weekend Umeed
returned to Lahore. She was happy and felt completely at ease with the
arrangements. She began to prepare for the new chapter in her life. First
of all she informed the hostel management that she would be leaving in
four weeks. All the young women in the hostel who knew her came to
know about the marriage plans, and congratulated her. Life was
beginning to look wonderful again. During this period, Jehanzeb phoned
regularly. He declared his love for her and talked about his hopes and
plans for their life together. The effect of the lover’s spat they had had
earlier, had dissipated as if it had never happened. Umeed was relieved
because she was now convinced he would never again ask her to go out
with him, at least not until they were married. But Umeed was in for a
rude shock.

*********************

One day Jehanzeb arrived unexpectedly at the hostel. The two of them sat
down just inside the gate of the hostel on the bench in the grass. They
were just talking and the next thing Umeed knew, he again started
haranguing her to go out with him.

‘Jehanzeb, I’ve said this earlier also; I don’t think it’s appropriate for us
to go out this way. I can’t go out with you, you know that…it’s the kind
of principles I have grown up with, I can’t do this.’

‘Why not, what’s the problem now? You were worried about your
reputation in the hostel but now that you are leaving and we are getting
married soon what is the issue?.’

‘That is exactly why I don’t want to gad about with you, it’s not
appropriate,’ Umeed tried to explain.

‘Don’t you trust me, Umeed?’ he asked.

‘I do trust you; but I don’t like going out this way, like on a date,’ she
clarified.

  21  
Jehanzeb just looked at her silently for a few seconds; suddenly he
grabbed hold of her hand. Umeed felt a tremor travel through her whole
body; he had never touched her in this way ever before. Umeed was
angry and snatched her hand back and said, ‘What are you doing
Jehanzeb?’

‘All I’m doing is trying to hold your hand, now don’t tell me this is not
allowed either,’ he said bitterly.

‘I’m not that kind of girl, Jehanzeb. You know that.’

‘Oh! Now don’t start lecturing me about your chaste virginal purity.
You’ve been living away from home, in this hostel for the last many
years. You work amongst men all day and all I did was hold your hand
and you snatched it away. God only knows how many men have held
your hand at work,’ he accused her.

Umeed was shocked; she stared at him disbelievingly and thought,

‘Jehanzeb is this really you speaking? The person who claims to love
me? The person I love from the depths of my heart?’ Aloud she said,
‘Contrary to your accusations, no man has ever held my hand. Yes, I do
work amongst men and only because that is something I am forced to do
due to my financial obligations. But I am not flirtatious and wild you can
be sure of that.’

‘I told you not to lecture me about your chastity. I cannot believe that any
girl who works amongst men can remain untouched. Anyway, I’m not
asking for proof of your purity. Whatever you’ve done, I’m not interested
in finding out. All I want is that if I want to hold your hand, you should
let me hold your hand. And if I ask you to go out with me, you should go
out with me without making a fuss. I am your fiancé and we are going to
be married soon, I have the right to expect this much from you. Any girl
who can socialize with her male colleagues can surely go out with her
future husband.’

His tirade was unstopping, he stared at her unabashedly and angrily,

furious with her for not adhering to his wishes.

  22  
‘Jehanzeb, you know the family background I come from. You also know
my family very well and my upbringing. How can you then even cast
aspersions on my character?’ she pleaded with him to see reason.

‘Family! Upbringing! These things hardly matter….especially when

young women get a taste of independence…in fact, for anyone who
becomes independent. Do you think I’ve been a monk all these years that
I lived abroad? I lived according to my rules and did as I pleased,’ said
Jehanzeb quite matter-of-factly.

‘You may have indulged yourself,’ said Umeed, ‘but I am not you. I
come from a stock that frowns upon such behavior, and moreover, I am a
Muslim by faith and you know how sinful such behavior is! I am proud
to say that despite having lived away from home, I have managed to
maintain my chastity and I don’t need to be ashamed of myself neither do
I have to be embarrassed before my family, nor before you, and most of
all, not in front of Allah! I have refrained from deeds that are declared
sinful in our religion, and I am proud of myself for that.’

‘Religion is so outdated! Only hypocrites seek refuge in religion,’

declared Jehanzeb. Umeed stared at him open-mouthed.

‘Your mind is set in traditional values,’ continued Jehanzeb. ‘You can’t

survive in today’s modern world—not if you carry the flag of religion all
the time. That’s over and done with. Happiness is the most important
element in life. And in the pursuit of happiness, one must destroy all
barriers in the way. I don’t want you erecting obstacles of religion around
yourself. I want a liberal wife, a broad-minded woman, because I want to
move in social circles that are sophisticated and modern. Your old-
fashioned ways are not going to help me climb the social ladder! In fact
you will be an encumbrance for me. Now sit down and listen to me and
listen good! I will come to pick you up tomorrow at the same time. Be
ready.’

Having had his say, he walked away without a backward glance in her
direction.

*********************

  23  
Umeed went in and told Aqeela all that had transpired.

‘You’re foolish, Aqeela responded. ‘All he wanted was to take you out
with him. Why didn’t you go? It’s possible that this small concession on
your part would have been enough for him and he would have calmed
down. That would have ended the problem. The more you try to keep
him at arm’s length the more irritated and annoyed he gets. It is obvious
that if he loves you and travels down especially to see you; he expects to
have some private moments with you. But if you refuse to allow him that
and reject his offers of going out with him; he is going to be angry.’

Umeed felt totally helpless and exasperated. She raised her hands to her
head in a gesture of sadness.

Aqeela continued cajoling, ‘Umeed, if you love him you shouldn’t be so

stubborn. In any case you are getting married next month. At this point,
such a short time before the wedding, if he wants to take you out, what’s
the harm? I don’t understand your refusal; there’s no reason that you
can’t go out with him. Every man wants to spend time with the woman
he loves and who he plans to marry. Your stubbornness can have serious
consequences on your future. Imagine if he gets mad at you and breaks
off the engagement! What will you do?’

‘Please Aqeela, don’t say that! He really loves me! It’s been nearly nine
years that we’ve been engaged! He can’t break off the engagement on
such a petty issue!’ Umeed cried.

‘Umeed, you have no idea! Sometimes relationships cannot endure “petty

issues”’.

‘But I love him so much, Aqeela!’

‘That is exactly why I’m telling you not to risk it. Accept his invitation.
He wants to take you out to dinner; go with him. He’ll be happy and the
spat will be over.’

Aqeela lay down to go to sleep but Umeed could only sit there; she felt
she couldn’t sleep yet. She was in too much of turmoil. Jehanzeb’s
attitude confused her; it was an attitude she hadn’t seen in him before and
it hurt her deeply. She never imagined he could be so harsh; that he could

  24  
hurl accusations at her; allegations that were not true. She wondered if he
remembered how far back their relationship went. They loved each other
and yet, could a small matter such as this end the relationship? Is the
relationship so fragile that it could it could be broken so easily? Just
because they disagreed over going out together? Was that reason enough
to break the bonds that bound them together? She wondered if she should
pay heed to the voice of her conscience or acquiesce to his wishes.
Would heeding her conscience really lead to a break up? She replayed
Jehanzeb’s diatribe in her mind and felt again the coldness and harshness
of his attitude. ‘Should I take Aqeela’s advice?’ she asked herself aloud.
‘If I were to go out with him just this once on condition that he never puts
me through this emotional upheaval again, may be he will simmer down
and his anger will dissipate.’

She still hadn’t reached a decision.

*********************

While Jehanzeb reached into the glove compartment, he kept one arm
around Umeed’s shoulders. Then he moved his arm in order to open the
can but replaced the arm around her shoulders very quickly.

‘Jehanzeb, let’s go. Let’s move from here, it’s getting late,’ she said
impatiently, feeling tremors of fear in her whole being.

Slowly and contentedly, he kept sipping from the can. He looked at her
with a smirk and said, ‘I have no intention of taking you back to your
lodgings, at least… not tonight!’

Umeed was dumbfounded.

He extended the can towards her and said, ‘Here, give me company, have
some of this,’ and he held the can up to her lips.

She pushed his arm away and demanded in a louder tone, ‘Jehanzeb!
Take me back immediately!’

‘I told you, didn’t I? I’m not taking you back tonight. We are going to my
hotel. Tomorrow, I’ll take you back to your hostel,’ he informed her of
his plans coolly and dispassionately.

  25  
‘Have you lost your mind?’ she yelled, jerking his arm away from her
shoulder. ‘I will never go down the path you plan to force me to!’

Quite nonchalantly he informed her, ‘You are with me now. If you don’t
want to go to the hotel, its ok with me; we’ll just stay here. I don’t mind!’
He continued to sip from his can.

She looked at him helplessly, unable to believe this nightmare. Then she
reached for the handle, opened the door and tried to get out. But Jehanzeb
was probably expecting her to do that and he moved quickly as lightening
and pulled her back into the car. He pulled the door shut and slapped her
across her face. ‘Stop this melodrama!’ he shouted at her.

‘If you misbehave with me Jehanzeb, I will scream,’ she threatened.

Jehanzeb was unyielding. ‘So, go ahead, scream! Scream as loud as you

want; scream at the top of your lungs. I want to see what you can do,’ he
growled.

She again tried to get out of the car, but Jehanzeb reached over and
grabbed the handle on her side preventing her from opening the door.
With his other hand he started the car, ready to drive off.

‘What will you do now? Will you jump out of the moving car?’ he
taunted, daring her to answer, Before she could even think, quick as a
flash, he let go off the door handle and pulled her towards him. He drove
off with one hand on the steering and one arm holding her towards him.
Fortunately, he was driving too fast and almost immediately they heard
sirens behind them.

Jehanzeb hastily let go off her and turned his attention to the rearview
mirror. They were being followed by a motorbike with two sergeants of
the military police. The motorbike overtook them and stopped, blocking
their path.

‘I’ll tell them you are my wife…and if you deny it…’ he left the threat
unsaid as he stopped the car. The officers approached the car from
Jehanzeb’s and asked him to step out.

  26  
He rolled down the window and asked, ‘What’s the problem?’

The officer poked his head through the window and demanded, ‘What
were the two of you doing back there?’

Jehanzeb replied confidently, ‘We are husband and wife... on an outing,

what’s the issue?’

The officer turned to Umeed and questioned, ‘Lady? Is he your

husband?’

She was dazed, she hadn’t been able to pull herself together yet from the
ordeal she was going through, and probably the officer read the
expressions on her face. Without waiting for a reply from Umeed, the
officer ordered Jehanzeb to get out of the car; his tone ringing with
authority.. Jehanzeb turned to Umeed and gave her a murderous look and
got out of the car. The officer noticed the can on the floor by the
accelerator. He turned to Jehanzeb and asked sarcastically, ‘You are out
with your wife, drinking on the street?’

He then turned to Umeed and asked her to get out of the passenger seat
and into the back seat. She got out, knees buckling and scampered into
the back seat. One of the officers got into the car with Jehanzeb and the
other on the bike, and they were taken to the military police station. At
the station, she was put into a room and Jehanzeb was taken away
separately, she didn’t know where. An officer approached her and sat
down in a chair facing her, and sternly demanded to know the truth about
the nature of the relationship between her and Jehanzeb.

Umeed was still bemused; she couldn’t believe how events had led to her
being here, all within the space of a half hour; this new and unfamiliar
side of Jehanzeb’s personality had shocked her no end and she couldn’t
come to terms with the change she had seen in him and his idea of being
‘liberal’. She was afraid the event of their being hauled up to the military
police station would make it into the press. While these thoughts whirled
through her mind, she could only stare at the officer questioning her in a
state of speechless confusion. The officer probably felt sorry for her and
realized that she was unduly stressed. He got her some water to help her
regain her composure. After sipping at the water she seemed to suddenly
recover from her stupor and without any further questioning hesitatingly

  27  
blurted out to the officer the whole sequence of events of what had
transpired that evening. She gave him the complete picture of her
relationship with Jehanzeb, how she happened to be out with him and
how he was intimidating her. She thought the officer didn’t believe her
because he remained silent throughout the narration. When she had
finished, he summoned a junior officer and said, ‘Take her and drop her
off to her lodgings.’ She couldn’t believe what she heard!

‘Be careful in future! It’s not safe going out in the evenings, even with
your own fiancé’ he admonished her. Umeed was so relieved, she quickly
followed the officer out of the room wordlessly, and thought to herself,
‘These guys are letting me go! They are really releasing me; I’m free!’
The junior officer seated her in a jeep and drove her to the hostel, where
he ordered the watchman to open the gate and gently urged her to go
inside.

Aqeela was waiting up for Umeed. One look at Umeed’s face and Aqeela
knew that something was amiss.

‘What happened, Umeed?’ she questioned.

Without a word Umeed lowered herself on to the bed, slowly removed

her shoes and then began removing the jewelry she was wearing; one
piece at a time; slowly and deliberately.

Aqeela was puzzled and repeated, ‘What happened, Umeed? Is

everything alright?’ Aqeela scrambled off her own bed and sat down next
to Umeed. Umeed looked at her vacantly for a moment, and then she
threw herself into Aqeela’s arms and began to weep loudly. Aqeela was
discomfited by this display of emotion, but she hugged Umeed close,
consoled her and kept asking her the reason for her tears. After a long
while, Umeed’s wailing died down to sobbing and between sobs she
related the events of the entire evening to Aqeela.

She expected empathy and sympathy from Aqeela. She thought Aqeela
would understand how outraged and degraded she felt. In fact, she
expected Aqeela to tell her to call off the engagement. But after she had
spilled out the whole story, Aqeela let go off her and lashed out, ’Do you
realize that your stupidity led to Jehanzeb’s getting caught?’

  28  
Umeed stared at her incredulous, ‘My stupidity? How does this make me
stupid?’

Aqeela defended Jehanzeb, ‘When he told you to tell the officer that you
two are husband and wife, why didn’t you back him up? And then later,
at the station, you had the audacity to spill the story out without caring
what would happen to Jehanzeb!’

‘Aqeela, you know what he was trying to do! How can you say that?’

‘What was he doing?’ Aqeela glared at her. Umeed was dumbfounded.

Aqeela continued, ‘Whatever he was doing is something quite natural
and normal. You are only a short time away from marrying the man! In
fact you two will be married in a matter of days! So, what’s wrong with
the physical contact he was craving for? It is a normal desire to want
some kind of physical closeness with the one you love; you know that;
you aren’t a child!’

She stared at Aqeela, she couldn’t believe her ears; instead of the
expected sympathy and consolation that she sought, Aqeela was turning
her into the culprit for Jehanzeb’s wrongs!

Aqeela wasn’t quite finished yet, ‘You are both mature adults, you love
each other; why did you have to create a ruckus? Now look at what
happened! Jehanzeb is stuck and you’ve calmly abandoned him and
returned home, while he languishes in the lock up.’

Umeed paled in the aftermath of Aqeela’s tirade and stared at her agape.
Aqeela lashed out again, ‘Don’t look at me like that, Umeed! I’m not
telling you anything you don’t already know. You two love each other,
you’ve been together for nine years; you aren’t kids any longer. What he
wanted was the warmth of the woman he loves. That’s not unusual!’

Umeed was outraged! She stood up in agitation and stared down at

Aqeela and shouted, ‘Had you been in my place, and Shafiq was doing
the same to you, how would you have behaved? Would you have let him
have his way?’

Aqeela replied, ‘Of course, I would have. You have to please the person
you love!’

  29  
‘Even if you know what you are doing is wrong and that he has no right
to make the demand on you?’ questioned Umeed.

‘Yes, even if I felt it was wrong. I told you, it all has to do with love.
After all, when you love someone you have to make sacrifices and
compromises; that is what makes the relationship strong.’

Umeed stared at her in disbelief then retorted, ‘Do you have to pay a
price for love? Do you actually need to beggar yourself to prove your
love to someone?’ Her words seemed to echo to her as if from a deep
ravine, as though she were hearing them from faraway.

‘Love does not have a price. Love demands complete submission, total
compromise and endless sacrifice.’ Said Aqeela glaring at Umeed...

‘Aqeela, do you realize what you’re saying? It doesn’t make sense.’

‘Yes, I know what I’m saying. I would surely give up all for love,’
responded Aqeela.

‘Are you trying to tell me that I should have succumbed to Jehanzeb’s

desires?’

‘Exactly!’ said Aqeela.

Umeed was adamant, ‘Well, I beg to differ. I cannot do what I consider

to be wrong, even for the sake of love.’

‘Why not?’ said Aqeela. ‘You needn’t be afraid! He’s not looking for a
one night stand, he wants to marry you; you should have some
confidence in him, you two have been together for nine years, that’s a
long time. Moreover, he’s stood beside you through thick and thin. And
you, you deserted him in a crisis and made good your escape. Girls
generally go out on dates with their boyfriends without batting an eye and
you; you are apprehensive about going out and spending some time with
the person you are betrothed to; he wants to marry you, he’s serious.
What’s your problem?’ lectured Aqeela.

  30  
‘To tell you the truth, the question has nothing to do with marriage… it
has to with “sinning” I cannot sin and premarital relations are prohibited
as far as my religion is concerned.’ Umeed defended herself and burst
into tears.

‘Why don’t you separate religion from your daily life? There is a certain
code of behavior that religion ordains but that is very difficult to live by.
If you are constantly overburdened with right and wrong, and sin and evil
and good, then you can’t live in this world, your life will be a constant
exasperating struggle and you will never be able to achieve anything.
You take my word for it, Umeed; you will never achieve
anything…especially not love. Look at us, we are products of the modern
world, we live in the twentieth century, women should have the freedom
to make their own decisions and also decide for themselves how they
want to express their own independence, it’s all a question of freedom of
choice. You are also a woman of today’s world, break the bonds of
useless traditions and rites that have been handed down to us generation
upon generation. At least remove love from these tight strangulating
chains of sin and beneficence... love is a blessing, consider it a blessing
and learn to enjoy it,’ Aqeela continued to rave at Umeed.

Aqeela seemed so forthright in what she said. Umeed could only stare at
her, tears dripping down her face. Later in bed, the tears continued to
flow and Umeed sat up tense and erect letting the tears drench her face.
She was worried about Jehanzeb and wondered whether he had been let
off. She wondered whether he would call her or whether he would just
return to Rawalpindi without contacting her again. The next day she
waited with bated breath but Jehanzeb didn’t call. She remained worried
over the next couple of days too because she didn’t hear from Jehanzeb.
She was extremely agitated; to the extent that she felt she would choke to
death.

***********************

Four days went by, four days of agonizing anxiety with not a word from
Jehanzeb. Umeed was in quandary. On the fourth day, at ten o’clock in
the night, Aqeela’s cell phone pealed. breaking the silence. It was
Jehanzeb. Aqeela received the call and exchanged pleasantries with
Jehanzeb before handing the phone over to Umeed.

  31  
‘It’s Jehanzeb, Umeed, here take the call,’ said Aqeela extending the
instrument towards Umeed. With trembling hands Umeed accepted the
phone and said, ‘hello’ in a voice that was unsteady.

‘Be ready at eight tomorrow evening, I’ll come get you and this time you
will spend the night with me,’ said Jehanzeb using an authoritarian tone.
‘Jehanzeb! I….’ she tried to say something, but he cut her off sharply and
continued.

‘No,’ said Jehanzeb. ‘First listen to what I have to say later you can have
your say. Make sure you are dressed and ready to go with me tomorrow
at eight. Be at the gate at eight sharp. If you don’t go with me tomorrow,
I will not marry you. I will break off the engagement. Now it’s for you to
decide whether you want to do as I say or……’ his threat trailed off
leaving her in no doubt that he meant what he said.

‘You realize you are asking me to commit sin,’ she told him.

‘Ok, so, I do. So what are you going to do about that,’ his tone remained
intimidating.

‘What’s happened to you Jehanzeb? Why have you abandoned our

traditional values?’ she pleaded.

“Whatever! I have progressed and I think the change is for the better.
Now I want you to prove that you love me,’ was Jehanzeb’s challenging
reply.

‘You know how much I love you,’ she cried out.

But Jehanzeb was in no mood to let up on her he continued, ‘Prove it to

me, and do as I ask.’

‘But Jehanzeb, you know this is forbidden in our religion, in fact it is a

major sin.’

‘I’m not interested in religious sermons and dictates; and don’t ever talk
to me about religion again,’ was his cold reply.

  32  
‘Oh Jehanzeb! Why are you making this so hard for me? I can’t live with
a guilty conscience all my life.’

‘Well, the choice is yours. Then let us part. Can you live without me,
Umeed?’

‘No, I honestly can’t,’ she sobbed.

Jehanzeb continued to pressure her, ‘In that case, you have only one
choice; do as I ask!’

‘No, no Jehanzeb, this is not right.’

‘We are about to get married. Are you afraid I’ll dump you? Is that what
you are afraid of?’ he scoffed.

‘How can you say that! You know I trust you completely!’ said Umeed.
‘I’m only afraid of God and I do not want to do anything that is clearly
sinful and has been declared sinful according to our beliefs. Don’t
compel me to do something that will make me lose my respect for
myself. You are forcing me to do something which will cause me to lose
my dignity and I won’t be able to live with myself nor will I be able to
look at you with respect ever again.’

‘Do you know something, Umeed? There are a lot of single young
women in this women’s hostel that you are staying in,. Were I to
approach any one of them, including your friend Aqeela, I could easily
ensnare one of them and fool her into believing that I love her. She would
be thrilled to move with me in the social circle I want to move in. In fact
she would welcome the opportunity to do so. These are quick thinking
women; they know a good chance when they see one. They have no hang
ups about sinning and earning God’s grace the way you do. I don’t want
to be encumbered with someone like you, it’s boring and tiresome. You
have a choice, Umeed and you need to make the decision now. Do you
want to be part of my life or not? You have to choose, me or your
outdated religious traditional beliefs; make a decision it will make life
easier for both of us.’ At the end of this long tirade, Jehanzeb hung up
without waiting for her to say anything.

  33  
All night Aqeela stayed up with her explaining to Umeed how hard and
how empty her life would be without Jehanzeb. He had been her support
for so long; she wouldn’t be able to live without him that was for sure.
Aqeela reinforced that Umeed and Jehanzeb had spent nine years
together, sharing hopes and dreams, she had depended on him in times of
crises and he had stood by her like a rock. Could she afford to lose all
that? In fact, he had promised to take care of her family too until such
time that they could manage on their own. Who else would accept a girl
from an ordinary middle-class background and shoulder her
responsibilities too.

At first Umeed just stared at Aqeela vacantly. Then she said, ‘Jehanzeb,
how can I live without him? How will I ever be able to accept that he and
I are not a couple anymore? He has been the very breath of my being for
nine long years; I can’t even imagine life without him. Oh, God!! I
realize that pre-marital relations are a sin, but this sin will save my life, it
will save me and my love.’ She tied her dupatta tightly round her neck as
though she were getting ready to strangle herself in agony.

The next evening, Aqeela helped Umeed dress up. It was more like
Aqeela was dressing her up and Umeed just followed instructions; she
seemed to be a lifeless puppet being manipulated by the puppeteer. At
eight sharp, Aqeela’s cell phone rang and Umeed paled and panicked.
Aqeela informed the caller, Jehanzeb, that Umeed was all dressed and
ready to go. She then hung up and turned to Umeed.

‘Umeed, he’s waiting for you at the gate,’ Aqeela said. Umeed left her
room and stepped outside.

It was dark, the lawns were pitch-black in the darkness and the pathways
were invisible in most places. Here and there, a sliver of light lit the
pathway as she continued on her way to the gate. The distance had never
felt so far before. The gate loomed up in the darkness like a supernatural
creature of evil. She stopped and questioned herself, ‘Do I really know
what I’m doing? Do I really know where I’m headed? Do I really
understand what I stand to lose?’ She waited and asked herself, ‘and if I
don’t emerge from the gate, what will I lose? Will I be able to survive
without this man who means everything to me?’ Her feet refused to
continue as a little voice in her conscience began to berate her.

  34  
‘Umeed, you are on the path of destruction. Had your father been alive
today, and had he known what you are about to do, he would have
committed suicide. This act was totally and completely abhorrent to him.
Have you forgotten all his teachings? Have you forsaken all his
guidance?’ the little voice whispered to her.

She bit down hard on her lower lip and claimed, ‘But I don’t have a
choice. I love this man so much that living without him would be sheer
misery.’ She broke into a cold sweat of anxiety and anguish.

The little voice again goaded her, ‘You are a Muslim woman, and
knowingly you are opting for the path of sin, think about it.’

She felt her life-blood seep away but tried a lame excuse, ‘God is aware
of my dilemma. He will forgive me, He knows I am under compulsion,
he will be forgiving!’ she argued with her inner self.

The voice, however, would not be silenced, ‘You are deliberately

heading towards sin, you are well aware that you are going towards a
sinful act. How can you be so confident that Allah will forgive you?’

Umeed felt invisible shackles around her legs, she couldn’t move forward
even though she tried. She now began to question her own decision; she
said to herself, ‘Purity and chastity is a gift of Allah. Am I so ungrateful
that I am ready to sully my soul? But what can I do? I’m helpless,
Jehanzeb has compelled me into this,’ she tried to salve her conscience.
In her mind she could hear verses from the Holy Book, and the
translation, berating the act of premarital relationships.

Her conscience pricked her again, ‘Umeed, you know that this is wrong,
it is sinful and vile and it is abhorrent, yet you continue to argue and hope
for forgiveness from God? There are no grey areas in religion, something
is either right, or it is wrong; and no matter how much you try to
convince yourself, this wrong cannot become a right.’

Umeed became more and more uncomfortable with her decision; the gate
loomed large in the distance; so near, yet so far. She asked herself, ‘Am I
willfully straying into prostitution for Jehanzeb? No, I’m doing it for love
whereas the prostitute sells herself to survive.’

  35  
She felt a sharp pain in her temples and developed a throbbing headache.
‘This high price that I pay for love will turn me into a fake…a fallen
woman trying to be respectable, like a fake coin that is utterly useless.
Will I have the audacity to mouth rules of morality to people knowing I
myself have been immoral? What of my father’s teachings and his
prayers for my safety and security, and his beseeching to God to help me
be a good Muslim and not stray away from the path of righteousness, all
that will have been in vain. I myself have been a good practicing Muslim,
regularly offering my prayers and seeking guidance from God and
praying for my chastity. Now what am I doing? Has God set a seal on my
heart that I can’t tell right from wrong? If not, and I am convinced that I
do what I have set out to do, God will indeed reject me, and then, where
will I be?’ These thoughts swirled through Umeed’s mind as she stood
there waiting to come to a decision whether to continue towards the gate
or to turn back and save her soul. She knew that outside stood Jehanzeb,
the love of her life,; whereas inside was her salvation and faith. She told
herself that if she stepped out she would obtain the love of her life, but
she would lose her own sense of self-worth because she would
knowingly be doing the forbidden and detested, and would therefore be
of those who become lost despite guidance from Allah.

Her head ached, she felt it would burst open at the temples. Vacantly she
looked at the gate and then turned slowly to look at the hostel building.
She said, ‘When you lose all sense of shame, you become dishonored and
then nothing matters, you are lost and can never regain your dignity.’
These were words her father had often repeated to her. They were a part
of the teachings of the Prophet Mohammed that her father used to spend
time explaining to her. She glanced at the gate one more time…and came
to a decision. Chilled to the core, she turned towards a quiet dark corner
in the garden and sat down. She reached up and undid the fancy hair-do
that Aqeela had created for her. She pulled out a tissue from her bag and
wiped off the make-up she had carefully applied. Then she slowly
removed each piece of jewelry she had put on and shoved the pieces into
her handbag, finally, she looked at the engagement ring she wore and
with a sigh of resignation removed it and put it into her bag.

Never in her life had she experienced such deafening silence, nor such
pitch-black darkness. Never had she felt the suffocation she was
experiencing that night sitting in a dark corner of the garden of the hostel.
She sat there alone, looking at the girls walking along the pathways and

  36  
disappearing inside. She sat long, until everyone seemed to have
disappeared. She sat there, eyes dry, unseeing and her heart awash with a
deep pain. She stayed there hidden in a dark corner until all was quiet.
Then she slowly rose and walked towards the gate. She stared at it,
knowing that he had left never to return. She stood there still as a statue
looking into nothingness, then she turned and walked hesitatingly
towards her room.

When she entered the room, she understood Aqeela’s accusing silence.
She knew that when she hadn’t turned up at the rendezvous, Jehanzeb
must have called Aqeela; and Aqeela must have gone in search of her and
must have looked for her everywhere but not found her anywhere. She
knew that Aqeela must be very disappointed with her, to the extent that
she never wanted to speak to her again. Aqeela glanced up from the book
she was reading, gave Umeed a scathing glare and returned to her book
and silence. Umeed changed her clothes and lay down for the night.

At dawn, Umeed rose to pray the dawn prayer. She lifted her hands in
supplication and then felt she had nothing more to supplicate for
anymore. It was as if life was over. She got up from the prayer mat and
instead of dressing for work, she lay down again. Aqeela rose at her usual
time of eight in the morning. She saw that Umeed was awake, but
ignored her. After Aqeela left, Umeed took out all the letters and cards
she had received from Jehanzeb over the last nine years. She read each
one and then slowly burnt them. She watched each and every bit of paper
as it burned, extinguishing her past. The floor was soon covered in ashes.
She sat amongst the ashes wallowing in her sorrow for a very long time.
Then she compelled herself to move and cleaned up the room, ridding it
of the ashes and her memories.

***********************

The next two days Umeed and Aqeela pointedly ignored each other and
co-existed in mutual silence. On the third day Aqeela handed her the cell
phone saying, ‘Your mother is on the line.’ Umeed reached forward and
took the instrument from her.

Umeed’s mother was weeping as she told her, “Jehanzeb’s family has
decided to break the engagement. According to them you are not the type
of person Jehanzeb wants for a wife. He feels he wouldn’t be able to get

  37  
along with you, nor would you be able to adapt to his ways. He says he
had put certain conditions before you and you refused to abide by those
conditions.’

Umeed remained silent as she listened to her mother, then silently she put
the phone down. Aqeela had fathomed what the news must be. She
reached for the phone and softly berated Umeed, ‘What did you gain
from this display of morality? You have been unjust to yourself, to your
family and to Jehanzeb.’ Umeed remained silent. Aqeela continued in the
same vein, ‘You were to have gotten married in two weeks, but now? …..
How will you explain to people what happened and why your marriage
has been cancelled and your engagement broken? In Rawalpindi, your
family will have to face people and what are they going to say? How will
they explain why the engagement of nine long years was broken? It’s
obvious that the blame for the broken engagement will be attributed to
you and people will only say that there must be a good reason, that you
must be an unsuitable person that’s why the marriage didn’t take place.
Do you know that your family must be in agony and anguish at this
news? Now you can warm yourself with your sense of morality and right
and wrong and religious rituals for the rest of your life. When people ask
you, be sure to enlighten them with your preaching and your citing from
religious texts; I’d like to see how many of them really believe in your
virgin chastity. It isn’t stamped on your forehead. You are going to suffer
the same tongue wagging other working girls have to bear with, because
our society never has a good word for single women who lives in a hostel
and work in offices. Ours is a closed minded society, you should know
that. You have thrown away your own life; you have willfully destroyed
your own destiny and your own future.’

Aqeela was outraged with Umeed and continued the tirade. Umeed
remained silent, listening and not reacting. Then her eyes began to tear
up.

That night Umeed cried with heart-wrenching sobs. She cried loud and
long. Aqeela consoled her as best she could. She didn’t want anyone to
see Umeed in this state so she turned the music on loud so that no one
would hear Umeed crying and sobbing from her broken heart. She called
out to her father and to Jehanzeb in her pain to help her lessen the pain
and the sorrow, but alas! She had only Aqeela. When she quietened down
a little, Aqeela made her swallow a tranquilizer so that she would go to

  38  
sleep. This was the first time she broke down, but not the last. Many a
times were the evenings when she cried uncontrollably but alone. She did
not share her tears with Aqeela again after that night. For a few nights
Aqeela continued to ply her with tranquilizers, but when she felt that
Umeed had come to grips with the situation and had regained her former
control, she stopped the pills.

***********************************************************

  39  
 Chapter 2

What happened after that? She doesn’t remember. It was as though she
existed in a void. She was part of the world around her but yet, far
removed from it. She functioned as an automaton—she got up, dressed
and went to work—first to the office, then to the tutoring sessions at the
homes of her students, and finally back to the hostel and what she called
home. All thoughts of her tragedy seemed to have been pushed into the
very crevices in the back of her mind, buried deep not to surface and
disturb the existence of nothingness she found herself in. Two weeks
after the event, the hostel inmates and warden were surprised to see her
still around because she was to have left to get married but she was still
here and that puzzled them. They heard the whisperings and regarded her
with sympathy and some pity. The silence that surrounded her former
friendliness seemed unacceptable to those around her; mainly due to the
fact that she had begun to neglect herself and her own appearance. She
stopped looking at her reflection in the mirror because she couldn’t bear
to look at it.

Her routine activities she attended to half-heartedly. She spread the

prayer mat and performed the ritual prayer but ignored the habitual
supplication after the prayer. On the streets she saw Jehanzeb in every
one around her. This illusion began to stay with her and it seemed to her
that Jehanzeb was constantly on her mind. He seemed to have taken over
her mind and was the first and the last thought of her day. She was aware
that she had become the object of gossip and whisperings in the hostel
crowd. She almost heard them saying, ‘Oh, so this is the girl whose
fiancé broke off the engagement just two weeks before the marriage!
Poor thing, but what was the reason? He must have heard rumors about
her. After all, she has been living away from home for a long time and
she had been engaged for a lot many years. He was rather handsome,
well educated; he used to come to see her sometimes. It’s sad; a real
tragedy….but we don’t know the facts….maybe there’s something wrong
with her and her character… no one would break an engagement
otherwise…though she doesn’t seem to be of a loose character… in fact
she seems quite dignified and well-behaved.’

She remained the object of interest for a long time. She overheard a lot of
things said about her but nothing bothered her. Not the strange looks and
nudging that were exchanged whenever she passed by, nor the sarcastic

  40  
laughter that followed her departure; nothing disturbed her. Could it be
that the real impact of her tragedy had not sunk in yet? In the beginning
she felt it was all a dream; an ugly nightmare; she was grappling with the
facts, trying to come to terms with it and that was what affected her sense
of reality; her mind and her thoughts were fragmented and life seemed to
have become unreal.

She began to feel the laughing joking hostel girls were stupid and
strange. She had always prayed regularly. But now, she began to skip her
prayers; and when she did perform them, she did so rather nonchalantly
and automatically. The after-prayer supplications she dropped altogether;
it seemed so pointless; what did she have to supplicate for? On the
weekends she went home to Rawalpindi, her mother seemed to dissolve
into tears and this disturbed Umeed no end. She didn’t know how to
console her mother nor what to do to stem the tears; therefore, she only
regarded her mother silently and quietly stared at her. Mother repeatedly
asked what conditions Jehanzeb had laid down that she refused to comply
with. But Umeed remained silent and refused to divulge the information.
Mother didn’t realize how Umeed had changed inwardly, what she felt
and how she felt. Her silence seemed to upset Mother but Umeed seemed
unmoved by the effect her silence seemed to have on her. Nor did Mother
realize how deep the hurt was that Umeed felt and silence was the only
recourse she had.

At the hostel things were no different. Aqeela often told her, ‘Playing
mute is not going to help you in anyway, nor is it going to change
anything. I realize that the tragedy has had a deep impact on you, but life
has to go on, try and put it behind you and face life with courage. Let go
of the past and prepare for a new chapter in life. Have you looked at your
eyes recently? How sparkling and lively they were. But now, all I see in
them is intense sadness and a deep unhappiness.” But Umeed ignored her
too.

That day too Aqeela tried to humor her out of her depression, but Umeed
replied, ‘Love is like a deep dark forest, once you enter it, it is virtually
impossible to emerge from it. And if you do manage to emerge, then the
light and the brightness of life seems abhorrent because the eyes have
become accustomed to darkness and the light seems to blind you and
leave you groping to find your way.’

  41  
Umeed continued, ‘I too have sunk into the darkness of the unsighted and
I don’t know whether I’m still in the deep dark forest or whether I have
managed to emerge from the depths of the wilderness..’

Aqeela could feel her pain and patted her sympathetically, like one would
a child to put him to sleep.

The next few years passed by. During this time Umeed’s younger sister
got married. The brothers grew up and began their careers. Saqib,
completed his FSc and joined the army while Moeen also found work.
Initially the job was at a very junior level, but soon he was fortunate
enough to be appointed as a Sales Executive in a mobile phone company.
The burden of financial responsibilities on Umeed’s shoulders was now
much lighter. However, the silent resilience she had adopted after the
unpleasant break with Jehanzeb had now become a permanent aspect of
her personality.

Unlike Umeed, her roommate Aqeela had gotten engaged and unengaged
a number of times. Every time an engagement broke, she was devastated
but soon bounced back to her former good-natured self and sought out
another relationship. But Umeed was not on the look out for another
relationship. Jehanzeb seemed to have the first and the last love of her
life. Aqeela originally came from a smaller town to study in Lahore.
After she completed her studies she never returned home, the lure of the
big city held her captive. Over the years her parents died and her brothers
married and moved into their own homes with their own families. Aqeela
therefore looked on the hostel as ‘home’. Sometimes Umeed pondered on
Aqeela’s life and wondered whether relationships were the essence of
happiness. She compared herself to her roommate and wondered whether
she too could adopt this place as a permanent ‘home’. She told herself
that homes with their trappings were for people who wanted to have
happy lives. But she, Umeed only wanted a peaceful existence without
the encumbrances of relationships.

Umeed had heard rumors that the company she worked for was closing
down. She was concerned because a short while ago she had given up all
her tutoring assignments and she had no savings. Plus, she was not ready
to return home at the moment. She mentioned her apprehensions to
Aqeela, and Aqeela in turn, mentioned it in passing to the other residents
of the hostel. One of the girls at the hostel had decided to return home.

  42  
She worked for a fast food chain and offered the position to Umeed. She
told her, ‘If you want I can put in a word for you. It’s a good job, no
tension and a decent salary.’ Umeed, considering the rumors and
uncertainties, thought the opportunity that presented itself was the ideal
solution and signaled her interest in the job. She was called for an
interview and the job was offered to her. She resigned her position as
computer operator with the company she had been working for and
joined the pre-service training at the fast food outlet.

*********************

After completing her training, Umeed was assigned to a front- of- the-
house position. Her responsibilities included customer service and order
taking and processing. The job demanded being constantly chirpy and
friendly and smiling at all customers. Sometimes Umeed found this very
difficult, and she became so tired of having to smile at everyone all the
time that it sometimes brought tears to her eyes. Yet, the job demanded
this so she did it; whenever she took an order or handed over an order,
she made sure she smiled. Her co-workers found her unduly reserved and
taciturn because she never joined in their conversations; she just listened
and slid back to her position behind the counter to attend to the nameless
faceless lines of customers who frequented the place.

One day she thought she saw Jehanzeb in the outlet placing his order at
the counter to one of the order-takers. At first she told herself that it was
just an illusion, like the illusions she had been living with all this time.
But this time it was not her imagination; Jehanzeb was actually there with
a girl, placing his order. She stared at him from afar. She wanted to run
up to him and talk to him but just then a female customer approached her
to place her order. While noting the order, she glanced at Jehanzeb; he
had obviously not seen her but he and his female companion had seated
themselves at a table. Umeed went behind to process the order and when
she returned and completed the transaction, she glanced at the table, but
Jehanzeb and his companion were not there; they had probably taken
their order and left. Umeed could only stare at the vacant table in a state
of shock.

‘Are you ok Umeed?’ her co-worker Feroza asked her.

  43  
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she replied hearing her voice echoing back to her from a
deep void.

‘But why are you so pale and fevered?’ she said touching Umeed’s brow.
‘Why don’t you go to the back and rest for a while, I will cover for you.’
She took Umeed by the arm and led her to the rest area assigned for the
staff.

Umeed remained in the rest area for sometime, feeling sensations of

shock and slight shivers running through her entire being. She wondered
who the female with Jehanzeb was. Was she his wife? Or was she one of
his girlfriends? She tortured herself trying to work out the identity of the
female who was a stranger to her. Her inner voice whispered that he was
with his wife, and her regrets broke through her reserve once again, ‘If
only…. four years ago….I had accepted his condition… that could have
been me with him today.’ This caused the inner turmoil within her to
weaken her resolve and she burst into uncontrolled sobbing. Being alone
in the rest area, she gave full vent to her tears of pain. Gradually, she
regained control, the tears stopped flowing and she was able to dry her
eyes, wash her face, apply some make up and go back to her position
behind the counter for the last hour before her shift ended.

When Umeed took up her position again, a foreigner approached her to

place his order. Being an outlet of a well-known fast food chain, it was
no surprise that the outlet was frequented by foreigners who wanted the
familiar foods from back home. But this foreigner surprised her by
speaking to her in clear precise and accurate Urdu. As was the usual
custom, Umeed smiled as she noted and handed over his order. Just then
the shift changed and Umeed was finally free to leave her position behind
the counter and go home.

That evening she recounted the encounter to Aqeela, with tears flowing
down her cheeks. At first Aqeela was sympathetic and consoling, but
when Umeed showed no sign of letting up, Aqeela became impatient and
began to rant. ‘A person must have the courage to make decisions and
stand by them. When you had the chance, you let morality and religion
and principles and values stand in your way like obstructions. Now when
he is with another woman, you can’t bear it. If you still feel so strongly
about him, why don’t you go to him? Because if he loves you and you
love him, there should be no problem if he is still single. And if he’s

  44  
married, you can always opt to be the second wife; and if that too is not
possible, you can just have a relationship with him. After all marriage is
not everything. I don’t understand you. You have spent four years crying
your eyes out; no one spends so much time getting over a broken heart.
In fact no one cries so much and so long for even a deceased
person…look at you, wasting all your tears and your time over someone
who is alive and seemingly quite happy; someone you yourself rejected
because you could not compromise on your principles….this is beyond
me!’

Umeed listened to the ranting with the tears sliding down her cheeks, to
disappear down her neck into her neckline, making it wet and
uncomfortable.

For the next many days Umeed was obsessed with Jehanzeb. She
searched every face in the crowd expecting to see him. She was certain
he would appear again out of the blue like he did the other day in the
restaurant. A part of her hoped that he would once again enter her life
and become part of it as he had been in the past. Thinking such thoughts
and waiting for Jehanzeb had become second nature to her, and she
existed and went through the motions of living hoping against hope for a
reconciliation with him. Attending to customers, partly preoccupied, with
her smile plastered on her face had become automatic.

She was attending to a customer, when that very same foreigner, who had
placed his order with her that fateful day when Jehanzeb’s appearance
had unsettled her, approached her and asked her name. She was quite
surprised and looked at him as though confused. He explained that he had
been coming to the restaurant everyday for the last many days and she
had been attending to his order and therefore he wanted to know her
name.

She thought to herself, ‘I have been regularly attending to him…but I

don’t remember seeing him before…’ The confusion over-powered her,
‘I can only remember one face… and that is Jehanzeb’s… I can’t seem to
remember any other faces…’ She processed and served his order and
again he asked her name. This time she told him. After work she found
herself thinking about this customer and at first she drew a blank, then
finally she remembered that she had been quite surprised when he placed
his order in such clear and accurate Urdu. This event must have taken

  45  
place about three or four weeks earlier, she wasn’t quite sure how long
ago it was.

The next day at lunch time, the young man of foreign origin was there
again. Now she began to notice that he actually came to the place
everyday. Not only did he come everyday, but he now started trying to
make conversation with her. She ignored his overtures because she knew
that customers who tried to become familiar with workers were only
doing so to establish superficial relationships, and she was in no mood to
get involved in such a relationship.

She requested a shift change from the manager to avoid this foreigner,
and started coming in to work in the evenings. She was surprised to see
that the gentleman in question now began to come in the evenings too.
She started paying attention to him and observing him. His routine never
varied. He came in placed his order and sat down. He sat there until dark,
and during that time he would keep ordering item after item, a cold drink,
a coffee, some fries and so on. Every time she caught his eye, she found
him looking at her, but when she looked at him, he looked away,
pretending he had not been engrossed in observing her. Not only Umeed,
but her co-workers too began to notice him and his frequent visits to the
place, thus giving rise to a lot of workplace speculation and gossip.

*********************

Over the weekend Umeed went home to Rawalpindi. Ever since her
engagement broke, she had begun to feel rather strange returning home
on weekends. At times she felt she was in the wrong place; a place she
didn’t belong in, one that was alien to her familiar life in the hostel in
Lahore. Other times she felt she had come from a strange and unfamiliar
surrounding into one that she could call ‘home’.

This time mother pleaded with her to return for good. ‘Your brothers are
earning well and they can support us all. There is no dire need for you to
remain in Lahore and work to support the family; come home, it’s been a
long time.’

Umeed was taken aback at Mother’s request. It suddenly brought home to

her the fact that her struggle to support the family was finally over and
she was now free to live her own life.

  46  
Mother continued, ‘I want you to return home and settle down. I have
been talking to people about you and I hope to find a good match for you
in the near future. You need to settle down.’

When she was alone she thought to herself, ‘How will I ever marry a man
other than Jehanzeb? He was my life, how can I marry another when I
have no love left to give? Will I be deceiving myself or the man? How
can I even think of another man?’ She was mentally rejecting the idea.
She continued talking silently to herself, ‘What about all the trauma I
went through? Leave familiar Lahore and return to Rawalpindi? Find a
match and get married? Doesn’t Mother realize how unacceptable the
notion is to me? To marry someone other than Jehanzeb is definitely out
of the question! Mother should know, she should understand!’

Though she had come only for the weekend, she ended up staying a
week, because she needed to think about this new turn in her life. Mother
frequently talked to her about returning home and Umeed thought, ‘What
is home? How can I explain to Mother that I don’t feel at home anywhere
now? Four years ago I yearned for a home and thought Rawalpindi was
home; now nothing matters, be it Lahore or be it Rawalpindi, both places
are the same to me now…I am homeless, despite having a home. How
can I build a home on the ashes of my ruined dreams?’ Nevertheless, she
acquiesced to her mother’s wishes and promised that she would soon
wrap up her life in Lahore and return.

When she got to Lahore, she confided her plans to her roommate Aqeela.
Aqeela was rather stunned and asked the reason. Umeed explained to her,
‘My Mother wants me to return. Both my brothers are earning well, and I
don’t need to carry the same financial burden I have been carrying all
theses years. Plus, she wants to see me married.’ She said hesitantly.

‘Oh, so you plan to marry, is that it?’ said Aqeela. ‘You are ready to
marry someone other than Jehanzeb now! That’s nice, but tell me, will
you be happy doing so?’

Umeed was quite confused and said, ‘Yes…No…I don’t know!’

  47  
‘Well, you are a survivor! You know how to compromise and make the
best of a bad situation. That’s what I admire about you, Umeed; your
resilience and instinct for survival despite adversities.’

Umeed looked up from the ironing she was busy with and said bitterly,
‘Compromise! That’s so ironical! That’s the very quality that I lack. Had
I been able to compromise four years ago, I wouldn’t be in the mess I am
today. My life would have been very different. I would have been living
with Jehanzeb and not with just memories of him.’

*********************

In the morning, as she was leaving to resume work at the restaurant, the
security guard at the hostel gate informed her that a gentleman, a
foreigner, had come from the restaurant to ask for her. She was quite
surprised that someone from her workplace had come asking for her,
when they all knew she was away. On getting to work, she asked around
to find out who had been enquiring about her, but no one knew anything.
Puzzled she settled down to work.

In the evening, Daniel Edgar, the foreigner who had been frequenting the
food outlet, came in as usual and made a beeline for her. This time he
was accompanied by another gentleman. With her customary smile, she
greeted him, however the smile vanished when he demanded to know
where she had been all week.

She looked at him askance, and the gentleman accompanying Daniel

immediately understood that she had taken exception to the enquiry. In
an effort to defuse the situation, he immediately began to talk about the
availability and the order they wanted to place. When she served the
order, the displeasure was still evident by the absence of her usual smile.
She thought that this would be enough to discourage Daniel from any
further effort of trying to become familiar with her, but she was in for a
surprise.

It was the first time that she really became aware that that he actually sat
there for hours. She wondered why he did it and hoped it was not because
of her. She felt him looking at her all the while she was at the counter,
and whenever she glanced towards him, she found him staring at her. His
presence made her uncomfortable and it unnerved her. She hoped that he

  48  
would leave. Instead of leaving, he approached her just as she was about
to relinquish her post at the end of the shift. What he said to her, shocked
her!

‘Will you marry me?’ he asked.

At first she thought he was crazy. And then she began to feel humiliated
because she felt that she had been reduced to a level where she easily
became a target of sexual harassment for every man who came to the
food outlet. She looked away and walked out in silence. On the way
home, she suddenly remembered that someone had come to ask about her
while she was away; that person could only have been Daniel—the
thought sent a shiver down her spine and gave her goose bumps because
the idea of someone stalking her was very unnerving.

All night she lay awake tossing and turning until she reached a decision.
In the morning she told the security guard that if any foreign gentleman
came to make enquiries about her, he must be told that she had moved.
She also phoned in and resigned her job at the fast food outlet. She was
very disturbed. She had been living here for years and had never
encountered such a situation. And now a stranger, a foreigner, was
forcing her to give up her life here. She tried to analyze why she felt so
upset and afraid. She told herself, ‘He can not force me to marry him…I
should have rejected him outright…in fact I should have told him off...’.
She considered her options, she could job hunt again for similar
positions, she could tutor students at their homes or she could return to
her hometown and family. After giving considerable thought to the issue
and weighing the available options, she came to the conclusion that
returning home was the best for her under the circumstances. After all,
what was she achieving by staying on in Lahore? It wasn’t as though she
had any great opportunities or comforts here that she couldn’t have back
in Rawalpindi. Was it because she thought Jehanzeb….?” She didn’t
complete the thought and forced it out of her mind.

She realized she had spent many happy and many bitter years here. She
had indulged in dreams here and had had her dreams shattered here. The
last four years had been the worst she had ever spent. She remembered
every second of the tragic event of that fateful night four years ago, when
she chose morals over love. The memories of the time after the event
were all a blur. She didn’t really remember the details of her existence

  49  
subsequent to that night, it was as though her mind was clouded over and
time passed without her participating in the events of her life. Once she
had made her decision, she moved fast and quickly prepared to return to
her family. Before she left, she wandered through her haunts at the hostel
and felt that she was abandoning a graveyard of her memories when she
left.

*********************

The first few days after she returned home, were very difficult. She was
quiet and withdrawn. She felt an alien in her own home and readjusting
to living with the family seemed rather strange. Nine long years of
having been away made her feel she was a stranger in a strange place
even though she was in her own home. She realized that her life in
Lahore really hadn’t amounted to being much of a life…three square
meals a day, a roof over her head she paid for, and a dozen pairs of
clothes to attire herself in…that’s all she had. Nine long years…the first
five waiting for the return of the love of her life; and the next four trying
to forget him…. Life really hadn’t amounted to much after all. She spent
all day lounging around in solitude and revisiting her memories of the
last nine years; the pain and the sorrow of that night she couldn’t seem to
shake off.

But Mother was very satisfied that Umeed had returned home. Her
brother also welcomed her warmly and seemed to revel in her presence
and the evening meal was the most welcome time for all of them; that
was when they shared the meal and rebonded and were happy to be
together. Umeed came to the realization that life did have things to smile
about.

  50  
 Chapter 3

A few days after her return, she noticed that a gentleman and two women
were frequenting their home fairly regularly. After their comings and
goings, Mother seemed to be preoccupied. Umeed had the feeling that
Mother seemed to be observing her rather closely. In the evenings,
Mother was huddled up with the brothers in a rather animated discussion
as though trying to persuade them about something.

The next day Mother was at the dining table cutting and chopping and
Umeed approached the refrigerator to get some iced water.

‘Do you know Daniel Edgar?’ Mother asked.

Umeed froze mid action; hands trembling she thought to herself, ‘Oh no!
Am I going to have to launch into explanation about this guy of all
people?’

Mother seemed to be waiting for an answer. Umeed was upset but

managed to gain control over the tremor in her voice and said, ‘He used
to frequent the restaurant I worked in.’

‘What’s he like?’ Mother asked her.

Quite taken aback, Umeed replied, ‘How would I know? .But why do
you want to know?’ she continued.

Mother looked at her and said, ‘Well, he has sent a proposal requesting
your hand in marriage.’ Umeed was shocked and the glass of water
slipped from her hand. She felt a sense of dread and wondered how the
man had found her and approached her family. Mother continued, ‘We
thought you knew him well and probably the two of you cared for each
other and that is why he had proposed.’

Umeed replied, ‘No, I only encountered him as a customer. And as for

having any affection for him, how can I even think about marrying a
foreigner and that too a non-Muslim?’

‘He has converted to Islam and changed his name to Eman Ali.’ Mother
provided further information.

  51  
Umeed was not satisfied and said, ‘People who convert for reasons other
than actually believing in their adopted religion, are generally unreliable.
I don’t want to marry him. Please reject the proposal on my behalf.’

Mother seemed to heave a sigh of relief. But Umeed remained perturbed

for the next few days. She felt embarrassed that her family might be
mistakenly thinking that while she lived away from home she had many
male companions. She searched their expressions expecting to see silent
accusations directed at her, and this thought disturbed her greatly.
However, what she encountered instead was complete normalcy and no
signs of displeasure whatsoever. She began to overcome the discomfort
she had been feeling.

Umeed’s relief was short-lived. Within a few days the visitors had
returned and now the frequency of their visits seemed to increase. They
seemed to be visiting two or three times a week with the same request.
Mother persisted in rejecting the proposal but they refused to take ‘no’
for an answer and returned regularly to try and persuade Mother to
change her mind.

This constant coming and going irked Umeed no end and she told
Mother, ‘Why don’t you tell them firmly and clearly that I’m not
interested in this match.’

Mother said, ‘I’ve done that but they are very persistent and keep
returning with the same request.’

*********************

A few days later, her brother Moeen approached her in the evening and
after a casual conversation hesitatingly said, ‘My friend Sikander, knows
Eman Ali well. In fact Saud Irtiza’s younger brother is a good friend of
Eman Ali. They say that Eman Ali is a good person.’

‘I don’t want to marry a foreigner,’ Umeed said.

‘But sister, what difference does it make if he is a foreigner. He is a

Muslim. He has a good job and has been here for a long time so he’s well
acquainted with our culture. Besides, he comes from a family that has
strong values and principles and they’re simple down-to-earth people. Do

  52  
you know he actually converted because he wants to marry you?’ said
Moeen.

‘I’m sorry, I will not marry him. People who convert because they want
to marry a particular person and so adopt the religion of the beloved, are
generally unreliable.’ Umeed was adamant.

‘But that’s not a good enough reason,’ said Moeen. ‘I’ve discussed the
issue with Mother, and even though she was against the whole idea, she
is finally convinced that it’s not such a bad idea after all. Sikander also
tells me that Masood’s family is willing to take guarantee for the man.
I’ve seen his photograph, and Eman Ali seems to be a rather nice looking
bloke, and I don’t think you could ask for more in a marriage proposal.’
Moeen was doing his best to persuade Umeed.

‘Please don’t discuss this issue with me any further, Moeen. I don’t want
to marry that man; in fact right now I don’t want to marry anyone. Just
leave me alone!’ Umeed was angry now. Moeen realized the futility of
continuing and so he let her be.

Nevertheless, the comings and goings continued, with the unwanted

visitors returning again and again much to Umeed’s chagrin. It seemed as
though Eman Ali had a strong advocate in Saud Irtiza, who in turn,
relentlessly dug up common acquaintances in an effort to persuade
Umeed and the family to accept the proposal for the marriage. Finally,
everyone was won over; only Umeed persisted in her refusal. In fact she
was quite adamant that she did not want to marry anyone, and if the
family persisted in trying to persuade her, she would leave home and go
away. She had been bold enough to face Saud’s mother and sister and
repeat her rejection of the proposal to them too. The visits finally stopped
but the persuasion and pressure continued through third party
interventions and this really galled Umeed no end.

*********************

Umeed was adamant, she did not want to marry Daniel Edgar aka Eman
Ali. However, fate intervened in the form of Dr Khursheed and Umeed
now had to listen to the voice of reason. The day Dr Khursheed visited,
Mother requested that Umeed meet with him. Umeed did not know who
he was and imagined that the stately elderly Dr Khursheed brought to the

  53  
house by her brother was a family acquaintance or the father of one of
her brothers’ friends. Though she was a bit surprised that she had been
asked to meet the guest, she agreed and did so. When she entered the
room, Dr Khursheed stood up and she felt quite embarrassed because she
was not accustomed to elderly men standing up for her. She greeted him
and sat down. Her brother introduced the gentleman and began to extol
his virtues and his accomplishments. Umeed was least interested in
knowing Dr Khursheed’s academic achievements, where all he had
traveled or the number of languages he spoke. Nor did she care that her
brother was awestruck by the fact that Dr Khursheed had consented to be
their guest. All she cared about was making a quick exit as soon as it was
considered polite to do so.

Dr Khursheed waited for her brother to finish then modestly said, ‘Your
brother praises me too much. I am just a university teacher and nothing
else. In fact it is an honor for me to meet you because it is for your sake
that a man has converted to the Muslim faith.’

As he continued his comments, she was dumbstruck and thought bitterly

to herself, ‘Another one of Daniel Edgar’s supporters!’ Her bitterness
soon changed to anger and she felt that her privacy was being violated by
strangers advising her about such a personal matter as marriage. More
than that, she was upset that her family were supporting and abetting
strangers who had the audacity to intervene in her personal affairs. Under
this strain, she could only glare coldly at Dr Khursheed.

‘Umeed Alam, what a lovely name you have!’ said Dr Khursheed. ‘And
you are more beautiful than your name and your destiny is even more
beautiful!’ He said softly and confidently.

‘Only I know how fortunate I am!’ she thought bitterly. Just then her
brother stood up and excused himself on the pretext of bringing in tea for
the guest. As soon as her brother departed, she turned to address Dr
Khursheed and said, ‘You are a great scholar, and have immense
knowledge of the world and also spiritual and religious learning; do you
think it’s right for a person to convert only and only for the sake of love
and marriage? Can such a person be considered reliable? And why in
heavens name should a God-fearing Muslim woman marry such a
person? You know that Muslim women are forbidden to marry non-
Muslim men. How can you, as a scholar and preacher, approach women

  54  
to even consider such a proposal? I’m shocked!” she ranted at him but he
seemed unmoved and continued to smile at her and listen to her with
patience and attention, not a frown marring his expression or wrinkling
his forehead.

After she had had her say, he said, ‘Today I come to your house not as a
scholar but as a Muslim come to plead the case of another Muslim.’

‘You mean, a so-called Muslim!’ said Umeed.

‘Can you explain what you mean by “so-called” Muslim, Umeed?

Because in the larger context we should all be regarded as “so-called”
Muslims. Just because we have been born into Muslim households does
not sanctify us in any way. Are we really worth being called Muslims?
Do we really practice Islamic principles the way they are supposed to be
followed? Don’t most of us just pay lip service to our teachings? Do we
actually practice what our religion tells us to do? If we are told to stand
up for our principles and put our lives on the line, how many of us will
do so? In fact we are so quick to call ourselves good Muslims and
condemn other fellow Muslims as non-Muslims; isn’t that ironical?’ Dr.
Khursheed was serious now as he launched into this litany.

‘I’m not one of the so called Muslims!’ Umeed retaliated and continued,
‘I have sacrificed my all for the sake of my beliefs and my faith. You
have no idea what I have abandoned only because religion demands it so!
I suppressed my desires and my happiness and my dreams so please don’t
talk about my actions and deeds, I have done my part. Had my faith been
weak, my dreams would have been fulfilled, but I sacrificed my dreams
to stay on the right path. In fact, what I have done for adhering to my
faith is like abandoning a safe sheltered life leaving all behind and
wandering off into uncharted territories, bare headed and barefoot,
traversing hot sands and blistering my feet and scorching my head! I now
have the right to consider myself amongst the rightly guided!’ Umeed
spoke with a smug satisfaction. Neither of them expected that Umeed
would explode with such intensity in her own defense.

‘God does not accept any obligations for himself, Umeed. If you have
abandoned something precious for the sake of God, God will grant you
something even better and more pleasing than you can imagine. That is
God’s way and His promise to mankind.’

  55  
‘No, I’m not willing to accept that,’ said Umeed near tears. ‘Some things
cannot be replaced with better ones, only because the heart has no desire
for any more.’

Dr Khursheed looked at her in sympathy and said, ‘When you enter into a
deal and it is based on religious teachings, you will never end up a loser.
Also, in life and in this world, nothing is indispensable, there is always a
replacement and you will not believe this until you actually find the
replacement and are willing to try it out.’

‘What if the person doesn’t want a replacement?’ she said bitterly

‘Allah is not concerned about your desires. He shapes human destinies in

the best interest of each individual. What is destined for you will be
yours, no matter how much you resist or desist. It is destined for you it
will eventually end up with you. On the other hand, what is not meant for
you will never be yours, no matter how much you struggle to obtain your
desire. Human beings are so narrow-minded and ungrateful; they spend
their lives lamenting what they have lost rather than welcoming what is
coming towards them! How sad and ironical human nature is! How
narrow-minded and pessimistic human beings are!’ Dr Khursheed sighed.
The learned doctor continued in the same vein, ‘I will not ask you what
you have sacrificed. My only question is why did you do so? I detect a
twinge of regret and discontent in your tone. Remember, if you turned
away from the undesirable, you did no one any favors but yourself. You
cannot wear your sacrifice like a badge of arrogance and martyrdom on
your chest. Allah set you into a situation where there was a definite right
and wrong. He did so after your having obtained the knowledge of right
and wrong. He did not use any force nor did He or anyone compel you to
choose the right path. You have a right to be proud that in the face of trial
and tribulation you were able to choose what is right. You must thank
Allah for allowing you to make the right decision. But what I see is that
you made a decision of your own free will because you knew it was the
right decision, but now you bear a grudge about it as though you were
compelled to do so.’

The visitor was not through yet. He continued, ‘I haven’t come as a judge
to evaluate you and your religious beliefs, therefore, I beg your pardon if
I have offended you in any way. However, I have come to explain about

  56  
Eman Ali and vouch for his character. I personally am convinced that he
is a good man and bears a noble character. He has converted to Islam and
is a practicing Muslim, this I do know. His faith is strong and I, for one,
do not expect that he will abandon his recently adopted faith. Umeed, you
are an extremely fortunate woman to have someone love you as much as
Eman Ali does. Very few men love with this kind of intensity and single-
mindedness. Other women would give their eye-teeth to be in your shoes.
He is pure and beautiful as the lotus that retains its beauty and fragrance
despite the fact that it grows in stagnant water.’

Umeed was quite taken aback by the long and impassioned speech that
Dr Khursheed had launched into. In fact, he still had a lot to say and
continued. ‘Umeed, I told you earlier, that Allah has a way of
compensating by always giving better than what you have lost. Today
Eman Ali wants you. Suppose he is unable to obtain his desire. It is only
a question of time before Allah provides for him another more pleasing
person. But for you, I have this to say. When you are fortunate enough to
have someone care for you the way Eman Ali does, it is not appropriate
that you shun him the way you are casting him away. To date you are the
only woman he has cared about. His reverence when he refers to you is
such that it makes me envious. I know men love who women but I know
of very few who love and respect the same woman. Eman Ali loves you
with his whole being and he also has great regard and respect for you as a
person.’

*******************

Umeed was moved by Dr Khursheed’s talk. She seemed to remember

something vaguely but could not quite recall what it was. She had the
sensation of sinking into the ground. She had not thought of this situation
in this light at all. She had only considered the undesired attention as
harassment.

Dr Khursheed continued, ‘I strongly believe that your deeds have

appealed to God and that is why he has provided you with this
opportunity. It is by Allah’s grace that you have met Eman Ali and he is
so enamored by you that he has even converted to your faith without your
demanding that he do so. Now just imagine how much stronger his faith
will become if you marry him.’

  57  
Umeed was now quite emotionally moved and her eyes misted over, and
she became more attentive to Dr Khursheed as he continued with his
elucidation, ‘The best thing about Islam is that it is non –discriminatory.
It does not distinguish between those who have been born Muslims and
the converts. We must embrace the new entrants to our faith
unconditionally just the way it was done during the time of Prophet
Mohammad. Nor does Islam discriminate on the basis of race and color.
Also, when a person claims to be a Muslim, it is not for us to question his
beliefs or to cast doubts about the sincerity of his beliefs and faith.
Should we become suspicions of others; it will only endanger our own
faith and belief system because Islam does not grant man the right to
question the sincerity of other Muslims.’

Umeed seemed to awaken into a sense of awareness, and wiped the tears
that had overflowed from her eyes onto her cheeks. She quietly listened
as the learned scholar continued. ‘If you believe in destiny and fate,
Umeed, you will have to agree that Eman Ali is your destiny. No other
man before him, nor any other man after him; is in your destiny. This is
so because he has earnestly supplicated for you, and for whatever reason,
it is God’s will that you be his wife. I cannot claim to convince you, I can
only lay down the facts for you to examine. Conviction will come from
Allah, and only He knows how long it will be before you are convinced.’
Umeed was quite overcome with emotion and confusion. Dr Khursheed
had not been able to convince her yet, but he had definitely jolted her into
taking a fresh look at the situation. She had never considered the issue
from the angle of destiny. In her mind and her life Eman Ali was an
intrusion, an intrusion that caused her great distress. She covered her face
with both hands expressing her helplessness and her hopelessness.

*********************

She spent that night reliving scenes from her life. Every scene that
contained an eventful experience contained Jehanzeb as the central
figure. She wondered, ‘How can I marry another when my thoughts and
mind are so full of Jehanzeb? What do I have to give to another man? My
love, my dreams and my heart all belong to Jehanzeb. Will marriage to
another man not be just a farce? Will the union not be as an empty shell
of a marriage that is only a marriage for the sake of marriage?’

  58  
Her thoughts troubled her and she thought back over what Dr Khursheed
had said. She remembered him mentioning that Eman Ali had prayed for
her because he loved her with his entire being and therefore she was now
his destiny. She thought about herself and wondered, ‘I too prayed and
supplicated for Jehanzeb, why was he not destined for me? Eman Ali is
using all available human resources to convince me to marry him. I only
supplicated before God and only shared my desires with God, why was
my supplication rejected?’

She felt suffocated and thought that the person she cared about was not in
her destiny therefore she didn’t understand why she should be part of
another’s fate and destiny, that too someone she didn’t care about.
Nevertheless, she decided it was time for her to meet with Eman Ali face-
to-face and judge for herself his sincerity so that they could thrash out the
issue once and for all.

*********************

Now that Umeed had decided that she wanted to meet Eman Ali, a
meeting was arranged at the residence of Dr Khursheed. Umeed was
extremely disagreeable to Eman Ali and made no effort to be pleasant.
She explained to him that she had been engaged before, hoping to scare
him off. But Eman Ali was not to be frightened away. In spite of her
disgusting behavior, he remained pleasant and well-behaved throughout
the meeting. At first she was angry that nothing seemed to frazzle him
and he remained as pleasant as ever. She then began to sympathize with
him because she knew the pain of unrequited love. She wanted to tell him
to leave her out of his life, to marry someone else because she had no
love left in her to give him. She felt he should marry someone who would
be happy to be his wife.

At the meeting Umeed laid down a set of conditions. She demanded that
for a year Eman Ali would not meet her nor make any contact with her.
During the year that they would be apart, Eman Ali would acquire
religious education. If after a year he still so desired, then she would
marry him. She was hoping that he would balk at these conditions and
would rethink the proposal. That he would come to the conclusion that he
didn’t really want to wait so long to marry and that would be the end of
the issue. But Eman Ali was not to be deterred. He accepted the
conditions she laid down.

  59  
Umeed informed her family of her decision and as she did so she thought
to herself, ‘A lot can happen in a year. A year is 365 days long and if you
don’t see someone for 365 days, nor have any contact with the person for
the entire duration; it is not likely that the level of interest and affection
will remain the same. In fact I am hoping that this condition of no contact
for a year will bring him in get him in touch with someone else and that
he will end up not loving me anymore.’ After she had taken the decision
and informed her family, a sense of peace and tranquility seemed to
descend on her and she was no longer troubled and restless. She had
bought herself a year.

Umeed speculated that for a whole year Eman Ali would not pursue her
and for a whole year her mother would not bother her to meet people who
were good marriage material. A year later she would turn twenty-eight,
she would then be free because God- willing, Eman would have met
someone more suitable and appropriate and would no longer be
hankering for her. As for her mother, seeking a marriage proposal for a
twenty eight year old female in their society was practically impossible.
The years would thus just pass by and she would remain single, just the
way she wanted to be after she lost Jehanzeb. The time that she had
managed to buy for herself made her content and happy.

The days passed. Every time Eman Ali's name was mentioned around the
house, she would change the topic or if she could not change the subject
she would leave the room. She remained true to her memories of
Jehanzeb. She thought of him and only of him all year long as she had
done for so many years earlier. She sought him in all the sights and
sounds around her. She never admitted it, but she hoped that he would
return to claim her in marriage. In her mind she was the sweetheart of her
childhood dreams and the only man she had ever thought about as a
husband. She was not willing to let go of her childhood dreams and
hoped and prayed that he would return. If not, then she did not to be with
another man—that she was sure about.

Mother was keenly awaiting the passing of the year, and a few weeks
prior to the end of the imposed duration; she began making preparations
for the wedding she hoped would take place making Eman Ali her son-in
law.

  60  
On the other hand, Umeed was hoping against hope that even after the
end of the imposed period Eman Ali would not make contact, thus
freeing her from her obligation and promise. In fact she was quite sure
she would not hear from Eman Ali again, ever, after all, in this day and
age who in his right mind would have stayed true to the conditions she
had imposed. She was like the cat that had swallowed the canary, licking
her lips in triumph.

But Umeed’s triumph was short-lived. One day prior to the expiration of
the imposed period, she received a courier delivery. She turned it over
and was shocked and dismayed to see the sender’s name! She trembled
with shock and looked at the envelope in her hand as though it was a
poisonous and foul thing that would defile her. Nevertheless, she opened
it and read the short message: The year is over. I. Eman Ali have
remained true to my word. What about you and your promise?

The card slipped from her hand, she hadn’t expected this. She had
imagined it would all be over and she would be free and rid of Eman Ali,
but her condition and her promise had come to haunt her and she felt
stifled with dismay. She thought to herself, ‘If this guy, Eman Ali is
really my destiny, what about Jehanzeb….?’

  61  
 Chapter 4

Now that Eman Ali had fulfilled the conditions, Umeed had no choice
but to honor her commitment. Three days after the arrival of the courier
delivery, Umeed and Eman exchanged marriage vows in a ceremony
extremely stark and simple. The simplicity of the ceremony was Umeed’s
desire, even though the family would have liked to have a more elaborate
function. Umeed signed the register solemnizing the marriage with a
hand trembling with apprehension, for a long time after she had signed,
she could still feel her hand trembling with anxiety.

Umeed was very thoughtful and acknowledged that fate governed lives.
For nine long years she had imagined the excitement of this moment in
connection with Jehanzeb. She had desired with all her heart to have
Jehanzeb as the groom and her as the bride. But fate intervened and that
was not to be. For the next five years she had contrived to remain single
because she could not even dream of another man in her life. She had
decided that if not Jehanzeb, she would marry no other. But fate had
intervened once again and now despite all she had done to ensure that
this day would not dawn; she was now to Eman Ali. She acknowledged
that Dr Khursheed had been right all along; she was indeed destined to be
Eman Ali’s wife.

*********************

‘Umeed, I have always had difficulty expressing my feelings. I have

never declared feelings of love to another woman. Declaration of love
doesn’t come easy to me. But today, I can tell you that I love you! I love
you with my entire being. I have taken you not only as my wife but as my
soul mate. I love you so much, you can’t imagine it. The last one year
was very difficult. I imagined you with me in this very room, in our
home, and missed your presence every moment. Oh, Umeed! I love you
so much!’ This is what Eman Ali said to her when he brought her home.

For Umeed too the day had passed as though in a state of virtual
unreality. At ten that morning the two of them had wed and by the
evening they had returned to his home in Lahore. His friend Saud Irtiza’s
wife had been here to welcome them and had left shortly before. Now the
two of them were alone the house.

  62  
She had changed out of her bridal outfit into more comfortable clothes.
Eman sat across from her telling her all about his love for her. Where and
when he had first seen her and how attracted he felt to her. He recounted
how he kept returning to the diner just to be near her and how marrying
her had become his dream.

Umeed listened to his tale of love and thought bitterly to herself, ‘How
can I even begin to believe in his love? This man who has known me for
only the last eighteen months! Jehanzeb too declared he loved me and
kept on making the declaration for nine long years; and then one day;
Poof! All gone; like a wisp of smoke. I don’t think I can trust another
man or believe in declarations of love ever again.’ Her eyes moistened as
she thought these bitter thoughts.

Eman Ali was a little puzzled to see her tears and asked the reason. She
told him she didn’t believe him and that she felt in her heart that he was
lying to her. Eman remained silent. He looked at her and said nothing for
a long time. Then he turned to her and said, ‘Umeed, I don’t care if you
don’t believe me. You will one day. Your disbelief does not lessen my
love, nor will it. All I can say is that one day you will realize how much I
love you and care for you. I have waited so long for this day; I can wait a
little more to earn your love.’

*********************

Umeed was amazed at Eman Ali’s personality as she got to know him.
She couldn’t imagine someone so down to earth and realistic and
practical. True, he was a man of few words and didn’t indulge in a lot of
idle chatter and gossip, His time and his life were both well organized.
He had a set routine—home, office, gym and back home—and he
adhered to it.

When Umeed realized how organized and disciplined his life was she
told him, ‘You have your hands fell, you didn’t need a wife! You are
disciplined and well organized in your routine, you should have remained
single and independent you would have been happier!’

‘I would have, if I hadn’t met you!’ he replied simply. The two of them
were at the dinning table having dinner. Umeed was taken back by the
sincerity in the simple reply.

  63  
‘Eman, what would you do, were I not in your life…were I to disappear
from your life!’

‘There is no possibility of that, Umeed. And what is not possible, I don’t

speculate about because I don’t have an answer to that.’ He replied.

‘Anything is possible in life!’ said Umeed.

‘You are right; but not this. You would only leave me if I caused you
distress. I will never be the cause of distress to you, Umeed, then how
can I imagine that you will leave me?’

His answer perturbed Umeed because it brought back memories of

Jehanzeb and his declarations of undying love. She got up and left the
table on a pretext.

Later she reflected on the conversation and her feelings for him and she
realized that if she was not really happy with him, at least she was not
unhappy either. However, marriage to Eman Ali had not erased the
memories of Jehanzeb from her thoughts even though she realized that
Eman Ali was definitely a cut above Jehanzeb in every possible way
imaginable.

No, He wasn’t Jehanzeb! That was for sure! Every time Eman Ali
declared his love to her, her thoughts sprang to Jehanzeb. Eman Ali’s
love and tenderness were unbelievable, but her thoughts and her heart
were with Jehanzeb. She foolishly believed that had she been with
Jehanzeb her world would have been complete and life would have been
ideal, therefore, no matter how much Eman Ali loved her, life was
incomplete without Jehanzeb.

*********************

A week after the wedding, Umeed and Eman Ali proceeded to Germany
to meet his parents. Though Umeed had talked to them on the phone, she
was quite pleasantly surprised when she met them, especially his mother,
Sybil. It was when she got to know her that Umeed realized how much of
an influence his mother had on Eman, how much he adored her and how
much he cared about her. But she was rather puzzled, that he did not have
any strong spiritual affinity with Christianity, nor with any other religion

  64  
for that matter, considering the regard he had for his mother, who was
staunchly Christian. Sybil was very unlike the western woman image that
Umeed had imagined.

The day after their arrival, Umeed and Sybil were in the kitchen when
Sybil said, ‘I still can’t believe Daniel has gotten married and that he has
actually brought you, his wife, to visit with us. You know, he wasn’t
interested in getting married and used to insist it’s too soon, But now that
he is married, I can see he has found a soul mate in you. I’m really happy
for both of you.’

‘What kind of wife did he want?’ asked Umeed, glancing at Eman Ali
aka Daniel, mischievously.

‘Oh, he wanted someone who had never had a relationship nor had she
ever had a boyfriend. He wanted someone with eastern ideas, old
fashioned cultural and moral rules and principles; you know… the kinds
that are considered rather narrow-minded here in our western society.
You obviously come from a family background where gender mixing is
frowned upon and women lead sheltered lives….but then, how did you
and Daniel meet? And how did you marry? It’s rather strange!’ said
Sybil. Umeed was unnerved and she felt the smile leave her face.

‘Mom, Umeed worked in a restaurant. That’s where I saw her first.’

Daniel explained to his mother. Umeed welcomed the intrusion and was
glad of the explanation he gave.

‘Really? And you didn’t mind that she worked in a restaurant?’ asked
Sybil.

‘Oh, Mom! You have such strange ideas about me! I’m not really so old
fashioned!’ Daniel protested. He turned to look at Umeed who had her
eyes on her plate as she deliberately avoided his gaze and continued
eating.

‘What about you Umeed, did you ever have a boyfriend?’ asked Sybil.

Umeed was rather embarrassed by the question, but before she could
formulate a reply, Daniel intervened, ‘Please Mom!’

  65  
‘But I’m only asking, Daniel. What’s wrong with that?’ Sybil said taken
aback at the way Daniel rushed to intervene.

‘Ok Mom, just drop it. Mmmm! This fish is good. How did you make it
Mom? I don’t remember you ever making this before.’ Daniel changed
the topic.

*********************

That night, when they finally retired to bed, Umeed questioned Eman Ali.
‘You knew I was engaged and that I loved him very much and still do.
Yet you married me, despite the fact that you wanted a wife who had
never been involved with a man before. Then why didn’t you have any
objections about marrying me?’

‘He wasn’t your boyfriend,’ Eman replied in short; as though he didn’t

want to get into a discussion on the topic.

‘For me he was more than a boyfriend.’ Umeed challenged him looking

him straight in the eye. Eman paled, but refrained from commenting and
turned off the lamp. Umeed was not satisfied with his parrying the
answer, she continued defiantly, ‘I’m asking you why you had no
objections to my having been involved with a man before we married.’

‘It’s late, Umeed. I want to get some sleep,’ Eman said covering his eyes
with his arm. For a while Umeed looked at him, but when she realized
that there was no more to be said, she turned off the light and lay down to
sleep. But sleep evaded her, and for a long time she stared up at the
ceiling, wondering why Eman had no objections to marrying her even
though he was looking for a woman who had not shared a relationship of
love and affection prior to marriage; the old-fashioned vestal virgin was
the kind he was looking for. She felt intensely sorry for him, because he
deserved more. She had no love to give him, she was still obsessed with
Jehanzeb and she felt she could not love any other man, not even Eman
her husband.

‘Does he deserve the treatment I’m meting out to him? Doesn’t it hurt
him every time I mention Jehanzeb? And why do I do this to him? Why
do I deliberately torment him and hurt him. Why can’t I accept that this
man is everything a woman would want…he’s kind and generous, he has

  66  
a good personality and he is a person of high integrity? Plus, he does
everything he can to make me happy. He fulfills my every
desire….What’s wrong with me? I’ve married him, why can’t I be a little
kinder to him? He deserves to be treated better than I’m treating him. It’s
not fair the way I have no consideration for his feelings and constantly
remind him that I’m hankering after another man!’

Umeed lay a long time, indulging in self-talk then for a moment she felt a
stirring of tenderness in her heart and she turned towards Eman Ali. She
moved his arm away from his eyes and gently asked, ‘Are you really
asleep?’

‘Well, I’m trying to sleep,’ he said. Then he opened his eyes and looked
at her in the dark.

‘It’s not necessary to pretend sleep if you want to change the topic,’
Umeed said gently, resting her head against his shoulder and her arm
resting on his chest. Eman felt joy feeling her head against his shoulder
and her hand on his chest. He covered her hand with his own and the two
of them drifted off to sleep.

*********************

Over the next few days Umeed made a conscious effort to banish all
thoughts of Jehanzeb from intruding into her mind. She paid attention to
Eman, attended social gatherings with him and met with Eman’s family
and friends. On every visit she discovered some new and endearing
quality about him. She also realized that Eman and his parents Sybil and
Peter were well liked and respected amongst family and friends mainly
due to their congenial personalities, willingness to be there for people and
their sincerity and social affability.

Umeed made a concerted effort to strengthen the bonds of the

relationship between herself and Eman. She actually talked to him,
listened to him and even laughed and joked with him. It seemed as
though she had come to terms with the fact that they were a couple and
would remain together through all of life’s trials and tribulations. She
also seemed to be quite reconciled to the reality that she must make an
effort to ensure that the relationship progressed into a healthy and
wholesome marriage. She began to appreciate Eman for himself, for the

  67  
qualities that others found attractive about him and for the care and
attention he lavished on her.

*********************

Despite the love and affection Eman bestowed on Umeed, she was
basically very insecure. Neither she herself, nor anyone else around her
realized that she was so pathologically insecure.

The last couple of days before their departure from Germany, Umeed and
Eman went to the shopping mall. Browsing the stores and looking at the
goods, Umeed turned to address Eman and discovered that he was not by
her side. She looked around, scanning the shoppers but could not see
him. Puzzled, she returned to the counter where she had last seen him.
The sales assistant at the counter informed her in broken English that the
gentleman in question had paid for his purchases and left. The rug
seemed to have been pulled from under her feet. ‘How can that be?’ she
retorted. ‘He’s my husband, how can he leave me and go away!’

The sales assistant pacified her, ‘Don’t worry! He must have stepped
away for a moment. Wait for him, I’m sure he’ll return in a bit.’

Umeed took her advice, but instead of waiting at the counter, she
stationed herself at the entrance of the store and again scanned the crowd
of shoppers hoping to spot him. Time seemed to stand still and her
anguish seemed to increase with each passing second. She wondered,
‘Would he really abandon me this way?’ Her anguish made her tremble
with fear and uncertainty. She tried to recall the address they lived at. But
since it was in German, and difficult to remember, she had not really
bothered to learn it or remember it. Now she realized that her mind was a
total blank about where she lived. What made her more desperate was
that she had not bothered to carry her purse with her on this shopping
expedition because she was with Eman. Now she began to panic in
earnest because she didn’t know where she lived nor did she have any
money or identification on her. Ten minutes passed and still there was no
sign of Eman.

The fear and sense of abandonment Umeed felt now reminded her of that
night five long years ago when she had been abandoned by Jehanzeb; the
night she decided not to accede to his uncalled for demands. She felt the

  68  
same sense of loneliness and fear of being alone all over again and she
wondered, ‘Has Eman deliberately abandoned me? But…. why? Why
would he do a thing like that?’ Her mind was in turmoil of fear and
anxiety. ‘Has Eman abandoned me too just as Jehanzeb did? But what
have I done to him? What will I do? I’m empty handed and in a place that
seems so alien to me without him…. Yes he’s really left me, just as
Jehanzeb left me….’ Her mind continued torturing her increasing her
anguish.

In her distress she became impatient and rushed blindly out of the store
and into the mall. She searched every face in the crowd for Eman, but to
no avail. She pushed and shoved through the crowd unaware of where
she was headed, just rushing and pushing her way through. Finally she
stopped a couple and started explaining her plight to the woman in
English. The man suggested that she approach the customer services
counter and make an announcement on the mall public address system.
She seemed rather lost and helpless so the couple walked her to the
customer services department. The department was well-manned and
they reassured her that they would do their best to help her and
immediately asked for details and began the announcements on the public
address system in the mall.

Looking at her pale face, the service personnel realized that she was in
utter shock and reassured her that it was quite common for people to
become separated in a mall as big and as crowed as this one. However,
Umeed was not reassured, and remained convinced that Eman had
abandoned her just to get rid of her. The announcements continued and
Umeed continued sinking deeper into shock. She tried to think rationally,
and wondered if she should contact the Pakistan diplomatic mission, and
wondered if they would be able to help her. She had no money to return
to Pakistan, no passport and no ticket. How would the mission send her
home? And even if they did, what about the embarrassment; how would
she face the people back home? How would she explain she had been
abandoned in a shopping mall of all places?

Umeed’s whole being felt strangulated; she felt an octopus had gripped
her and was squeezing the life blood out of her and she was helpless…
she couldn’t escape. She lamented to herself, ‘Oh Lord! What sin have I
committed that first Jehanzeb abandoned me and now Eman has left me
stranded. Why did I ever trust hem? Why was Dr Khursheed hoodwinked

  69  
by this man and why did he convince me to marry him only to be
forsaken in a shopping mall without any money or identity documents.’ It
was now five minutes since the announcements started and she felt
herself turn stone cold.

The announcer turned to Umeed and said, ‘Maybe he’s gone home
looking for you; why don’t you go home? That’s the best thing to do,
actually.’ She just stared at the announcer unable to explain what she felt
and how helpless she was under the circumstances. Suddenly the door to
the room was flung open and there stood Eman. Umeed was speechless;
she felt she wanted to hit him for the anguish he had caused her.

Eman approached Umeed; she seemed to have taken leave of her senses.
She started to scream at him and revile him. Then she burst into tears and
Eman could only stare at her, he himself paled at the demonstration of
utter anguish that Umeed was displaying. He apologized repeatedly, but
she seemed unaware of it and continued crying like a baby.

‘I don’t want to go with you, I want to return home to Pakistan, Give me

my passport!’ Umeed ranted on senselessly. For a long time he sat beside
her apologizing and consoling but Umeed would not let up.

Finally he exploded in a frenzy of emotion, ‘Who do you think I am? I’m

not your former fiancé who left you; I’m your husband!’ Umeed was
shocked at this display of emotion and she was offended by his sarcasm
and callous referral to her broken engagement. She was so shocked that
she immediately stopped her tantrum. Eman continued loudly, ‘Let’s go
now!’ He walked towards the door and she followed him out.

Eman explained to her, ‘I saw someone I knew and stepped out of the
store to talk to him. When I returned, you had disappeared. I agree, I
shouldn’t have left without telling you, but you should have waited for
me. You have no idea how upset I’ve been trying to find you! And then
you turn around and childishly throw tantrums! Why in heavens name
will I abandon you? And that too in a place like a shopping mall!’

Umeed was totally unaware of the explanation Eman was offering. All
she could think about was the sarcastic tone he had used earlier. ‘How
dare this man allude to the fact that I was abandoned by my former
fiancé? What right does he have to belittle me this way?’

  70  
Eman continued explaining and apologizing all the way home and even
at home. But Umeed remained adamantly silent. He tried to cajole her out
of her silence and to accept his apology and his uncharacteristic behavior,
but she refused to be cajoled out of her barricade of silence and self-pity.
At that time she hated him and sought solace in memories of Jehanzeb
once again. That night she lay awake thinking about Jehanzeb and told
herself that Eman could never hold a candle to Jehanzeb. Foolishly she
reverted back to her day dreams and once again reached out to grab hold
of the straws of memories that she had lived on for the last many years.

*********************

After their return from Germany, Umeed went to Rawalpindi for a week
to see her family and to spend some time with them. For the entire week
that she was there, Eman called her everyday.

It was during her stay in Rawalpindi that Umeed came to realize how
much a part of her life Eman had become. She realized that she and
Eman had now become a solid unit. Her family constantly referred to the
two of them as though talking about a singular item. She herself seemed
to be talking about him and constantly making reference to him when
talking about even ordinary events of day-to-day living.

Umeed began to wonder how she could ever imagine life without him
now and began to feel embarrassed about the extended period of sulking
she had indulged in—all starting from the day she thought she had been
abandoned in the shopping mall.

After her week in Rawalpindi, Eman came to fetch her and take her
home. By then she was quite glad to see him, she had calmed down and
stopped sulking and happily set off home with him.

When they got back home in Lahore, their life settled down to a routine.
Eman had found a well-paid job with a multinational company and went
off to work everyday. Umeed kept house. In the evenings Eman regularly
visited Dr Khursheed; in fact he did so on a daily basis. Umeed wondered
why he continued to do so, her condition before they were married had
been that he study Islam for only one year, yet Eman continued to visit
the learned scholar everyday.

  71  
The best part about their lives was the fact that slowly and steadily
Umeed seemed to be becoming closer to her husband; she seemed to be
becoming aware of his love and affection and started appreciating him
and the attention and affection he lavished on her. However, that is not to
say that the memory of Jehanzeb had been banished; it continued to
intrude on her mind and her thoughts and whenever the sense of despair
and longing became really strong, she seemed to helplessly lash out at
Eman. Nevertheless, Eman bore her moods and mood swings with great
fortitude and waited out the onslaught until she returned to good humor
once again.

*********************

The next few months continued in this vein and then one day, she had
some happy news. Her doctor confirmed that she was pregnant, and even
though it is the usual outcome in normal marriages, Umeed was thrilled
beyond words and could not seem to absorb the good news. She was
pleasantly surprised to the point of speechlessness.

Eman, on the other hand, wanted to share his sense of joy with all he
cared for. He immediately called his parents in Germany and imparted
the news to them. Umeed and Eman were both overjoyed and all they
could talk about was the baby they were expecting. This new topic of
conversation seemed to draw them closer together and for the first time in
five and a half years since her break up with Jehanzeb, Umeed felt she
could actually be happy again—happy with Eman and the baby to come.

For the first time in all these years, memories of Jehanzeb and his image
had been relegated to the background. No longer did the memories
overwhelm her and no longer did the recollections control her mood her
heart and her mind. She was now quite content with her life with Eman,
with planning for the baby and her new role as mother. She was now
quite sure that she could suppress the memories of Jehanzeb and embark
on a new life, which would bring her peace and contentment. Life, all of
a sudden, was glorious for Umeed.

‘How foolish I’ve been,’ she said to herself. ‘I wasted so much time
letting the horrifying past take control of my life! How stupidly I behaved
at the mall that day and how ridiculous my fears that Eman too would

  72  
abandon me! I can see now that Eman really cares about me and
especially now, that I am carrying his child, he will never abandon me! I
mustn’t let the past haunt me ever again; whatever happened in the days
gone by I will not let it intrude on to my future and the happiness I can
find with Eman and our child. I should let go off the past and banish it for
ever and ever!’

She now began to accept and enjoy her role of wife to Eman. She was
content to keep house, rather she began to enjoy being a wife and a
housewife. She carried out her role responsibilities with pleasure now.
She began to look forward to Eman’s calls during the course of the day.
His return from work brought her pleasure and his companionship was
something she began to cherish. Such was the change in her life, that she
forgot all about Jehanzeb and the hold he had on her mind and her heart
had clearly diminished, all because she had now begun to live again.

*********************

But soon Umeed realized that living in the present was only an illusion
she was living. She became aware of it one even when she and Eman
went out to dinner at a posh restaurant located in a local five star hotel.
They had a pleasant meal and a wonderful evening together. At the
entrance, on the way out, they encountered another couple entering the
hotel lobby. The man was none other than Jehanzeb with a female
companion.

That moment, that she cast her glance on Jehanzeb and his companion
entering the hotel, was the undoing of Umeed and her resolve to leave the
past behind. She could forget anything in life, but Jehanzeb and his face
were etched so deeply into her mind, that even after so many years she
had not succeeded in obliterating the image. At first she thought it was
her imagination and she could only stand still and stare at him. The next
moment she realized that it wasn’t her imagination. Because he too
looked towards her, faltered in mid step and then hurriedly averted his
gaze and brushed past her.

Umeed was devastated with jealousy. She wanted to rush after him and
push his companion away and link her arm into the crook of his elbow
just the way she had imagined all those years ago. She felt an
uncontrollable desire to walk on with him arm-in-arm the way they were

  73  
meant to in that other lifetime that she had lived. She was too overcome
with emotion to even remember or notice Eman and his expression and
observance of the whole scene. All she could think of was her lost love
and the longing to be with Jehanzeb.

She turned around to look for him, but Jehanzeb had disappeared; melted
away into the crowd and she was left staring after him. She felt a light
pressure on her shoulder; a touch that brought her back to the present and
reality and realized that Eman was looking at her with troubled gaze. She
looked up at his face and the hand that rested on her shoulder, and heard
him whisper enquiringly, ‘Jehanzeb?’

The look on her face said it all. She didn’t need to answer the question,
but she nodded her assent. Eman said nothing, he just walked on. Umeed
realized that he must be upset, she cast a last glance at the crowd behind
her and then followed Eman out of the hotel.

Eman was waiting for her in the car. As soon as she had seated herself,
he started the engine with a jerk and sped out of the parking bay.
Normally he was a good driver and a cautious one, but tonight, he was
rash and careless. He drove through the red light at three junctions, which
was uncharacteristic of him. He seemed to be so distraught that he even
took a wrong turn twice and was careless in overtaking other vehicles.
His face was expressionless and did not betray an iota of the disturbance
he felt but his actions told the tale. It seemed as though the devil was
plaguing him. Umeed realized that her loss of self control when she came
face-to-face with Jehanzeb had caused this displeasure. She told herself
she would apologize at home and make up to him for her behavior, which
she realized was unwarranted.

When they got home and she tried to talk to him, he shook her off and
headed straight for the sanctuary of his study. Helplessly she went to
their bedroom to wait for him. After a long time she felt the return of the
hopelessness that she had lived with for so many years. She knew she
didn’t love Eman the way she had and still loved Jehanzeb but she had
tried to be a good wife and their relationship was progressing reasonably
well. She wanted to make up with him; to apologize for her behavior. She
didn’t want to leave him; after all he was her husband and the father of
the child she was carrying. She was pragmatic enough to realize that life
without Eman would be unpalatable.

  74  
After a long wait, when Eman did not come to the room, she ventured
forth to the study. She entered without knocking. Eman was working at
the computer. She approached him and sat down near by and tried to
apologize and explain her behavior. But Eman, for the first time was
consumed with anger and exploded. ‘Umeed, you know you are
hankering after an illusion, it’s not reality, you know you are deluding
yourself, then why do you persist in your longing for the man who threw
you over? After an engagement of nine years, he ditched you, and you
are still yearning for him? I don’t understand you! The man doesn’t care
about you on bit; he doesn’t love you, why are you still enraptured by
him? After all he did leave you…’

Umeed didn’t wait for Eman to finish. She cut him off in a rage and told
him, ‘It wasn’t he who betrayed me, I betrayed him. He didn’t leave me, I
left him.’

Eman was speechless; this was a side of Umeed he hadn’t seen before.
She continued with the story and told him the sordid details of the events
leading Jehanzeb to call off the engagement; the details of that night at
the when he came to get her at the hostel all those years ago and he
listened quietly to the whole tale she had to tell.

In the flow that he had unleashed and the details she recounted, Umeed
continued telling him, ‘No one more than Jehanzeb has seen me through
the most trying times in life. I am more indebted to him than any one else
in life for all that he did to make life easier for me. But the price he
wanted me to pay for the favors was too high for me to be able to afford.
I loved him with every iota of my being; the kind of love that only
happens once in a life time to those who are fortunate to experience it.
Nine years is a long time and despite loving him so much I could not
bring myself to indulge in what I had been brought up to believe as
wrong. My father had filled me full of good advice for sixteen long years;
I couldn’t ignore the sound of his voice still ringing in my ears and I was
oblivious to any other advice from any one else. The verses that you
quote to me from the Holy Book are not unknown to me: These are
verses that I have grown up hearing. You will only understand my
struggle when you are faced with a moral dilemma of your own; it is only
then that you will understand how sharp is the sword of morality!’

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Eman looked at Umeed and he thought she was through but through tears
that were muffling her words she continued, ‘I destroyed the very
happiness that I sought with my own hands. After Jehanzeb left me, I
spent the next four years in a kind of daze; I existed but I stopped living.
Despite the fact that Jehanzeb had left me, I couldn’t come to hate him; I
loved him because every dream I had seen I had seen through his eyes
and every bit of happiness I had hoped for was associated with him, my
very existence was an extension of Jehanzeb, and when he was no more
with me I was bereft; I didn’t know how to face life without him. I
existed for four years not knowing what was happening around me, you
have no idea of the intensity of my feelings that is why you tell me to
forget him. It isn’t that I’m not trying, but I can’t help it. I can never
come to hate him even though his demand was high-handed and unfair; I
can never hate him I have loved him too much.’

Umeed finally broke down completely and Eman held her close and
wiped her tears away.

  76  
 Chapter 5

The next many days were awful! A barrier seemed to have sprung up
overnight between husband and wife. That is not to say that Eman was
not attentive, no, he was his usual attentive caring self. But something
was amiss; it was as though there was an awkwardness intruding between
them. Eman seemed to be uneasy and anxious, which was very
uncharacteristic of him. Umeed understood that he was worried but she
could not muster up the courage to ask him what the problem was. She
regretted telling him the whole story, and sometimes felt that she had
been foolish, and sometimes felt embarrassed that he knew everything.

While the couple was still going through this awkwardness, it was time
for Umeed to go to Rawalpindi to participate in the preparations for her
brother’s forthcoming marriage. Eman stayed back in Lahore, while
Umeed went on to Rawalpindi a fortnight earlier. In Rawalpindi she
realized how much she missed home and how much she missed sharing
her life with Eman, and how much she missed him too. She realized that
she no longer felt at home with the family she was born into; rather she
felt like a fish out of water around them, as though she didn’t really
belong here as though she was a mere visitor who had dropped in for a
short while.

As the wedding drew nearer, Eman too joined her in Rawalpindi and she
again became conscious of the fact that he was not his normal exuberant
self. Not only she, but the whole family noticed and commented on it and
tried to cajole him into frivolities. He participated with apparent gusto,
but something was missing. This made Umeed even more uncomfortable.
After the functions and revelries were over, Umeed and Eman returned to
Lahore and home.

Back home, they went back to their normal routines and the days sped
by. Eman had started spending even more time with Dr Khursheed the
scholar. Umeed was puzzled about this, but it was the only change in the
normal routine. However, she experienced another change in his behavior
in that his declarations of undying love diminished, and the few social
events they used to attend together, were no more. He either stopped
going or he stopped taking her with him. Their social circle seemed to
have shrunk. Sometimes Umeed was quite amazed at the restricted life
Eman led, and the limited number of his social activities and social

  77  
connections. It was as though the home was his nucleus and he had no
other interest.

Eman sometimes shopped alone and brought home little surprises for her.
He loved buying things for the baby that was to be born. Umeed wasn’t
surprised because she realized he was a very sensitive and emotional man
who was not ashamed to express his feelings. She again began to feel
cherished and secure and she was sure that the baby would prove to be a
binding and bonding force between them.

‘I have to go to Germany for company work,’ Eman told Umeed that

night. ‘It will be about a two week trip. I don’t like leaving you alone
here. Would you like to go and stay with your mother in Rawalpindi for
the duration of my trip?’ he asked.

‘No, I’m quite content to stay alone I don’t think I will have any
problems.’ She replied.

‘I don’t think it’s wise for you to be alone in your condition. I suggest
you go to your mother,’ he persisted. But she was adamant and refused
saying, ‘I can stay alone, and it’s only a couple of weeks; then you’ll be
back.’

Despite his repeated insistence she refused to budge and he backed off,
but seemed miffed by her attitude.

The next two or three days he was very busy and finally the time for his
departure arrived. ‘You needn’t bother yourself seeing me off at the
airport, the driver will take me,’ he said rifling through his briefcase.
‘No, I want to see you off.’ Umeed insisted.

‘It’s rather late, and by the time you get back, it will be really late. Wish
me goodbye here,’ he said and called out to Sabir, the domestic staff, to
take the luggage to the car.

Eman picked up his briefcase and turned around and smiled at Umeed.
He held her close for a moment, and with his arm around her shoulder the
two of them walked out of the room. Leaving the house he said, ‘Take
care of yourself Umeed, I’ll call regularly.’ Umeed stood in the doorway
looking at him as he opened the back door of the car and slid his

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briefcase in. He turned and looked at Umeed and walked quickly back
towards her.

“I’m really going to miss you! I don’t feel like leaving you and going,”
he said. His confession made her smile. For a while he just gazed at her
and into her eyes, then he sighed and turned back towards the car. Umeed
stood there staring at the car until it drove off and the gate closed, only
then did she turn and return inside.

After a few hours Eman called from his cell phone. They talked a bit and
then he hung up. Next he called her from Germany. And then it became
routine. He called her two sometimes three times in the day and so a
whole week passed. Then one day she waited but he didn’t phone her.
Umeed was quite surprised that he hadn’t called all day. ‘He must be
busy,’ she thought to herself. ‘May be it just slipped his mind or then he
didn’t get the chance to call.’ She allayed her uneasiness.

The next day again, there was no call. She began to feel uneasy but her
uneasiness increased when the third day passed by without a word from
him. She wondered, ‘I hope he’s okay, it’s not like him to be so careless!’
She waited a few days until a whole week had gone by and she hadn’t
heard from him, and she began to seriously worry. She had his cell
number and she had repeatedly been calling it, but there had been no
response, the message informed her that the phone had been switched off.
Finally she called his parents in Germany. But there too, there was no
response. This continued for the next two days; she called his parents and
there was no response.

Now she was really worried. She thought of calling his office. She was
sure they would be able to tell her his whereabouts, and his contact
details, so she called the office and asked for him.

‘I’m sorry, there’s no one named Eman Ali working here,’ said the
receptionist. She was taken aback, so she repeated the name and the
designation. But again the receptionist replied, ‘I’m sorry ma’am, there’s
no one by the name Eman Ali working here, and especially at the
position you mention.’ By now she was totally flabbergasted! She
remembered well that Eman had clearly told her the company he worked
for and the position he held there. True, she had never been to his office;
neither had she ever called him on the office line. Whenever she wanted

  79  
to talk to him she used to call him on his cell phone. She was really
puzzled, then as though a light lit up in her mind, and she asked, ‘What
about Daniel Edgar? Does he work in your company?’

The receptionist replied, ‘Yes, the position you are talking about is
Daniel Edgar’s position.’

Umeed was quite taken aback. She remembered well that Eman had
initially told her that the company did not know about his conversion.
But prior to his departure, in fact quite a few days earlier, he had
mentioned that he had broken the news to his employers and had also
told them the new name that he had adopted and that everyone in the
company was now using his adopted name. Her intuition told her all was
not right with her world. She told the receptionist, ‘Please give me Daniel
Edgar’s contact number in Germany where he’s attending to company
business.’

‘Excuse me Madam? Did you say he’s in Germany on company work?

That is not correct.He resigned about three weeks ago. He had some
outstanding leave due to him, so officially he is on leave but he has
already resigned his post and he has informed the company that he will
not be returning after his leave is over. In fact he and his girlfriend both
resigned around the same time.’

Umeed felt the ground slide out from under her feet. The hand holding
the receiver shook as she said incredulous, ‘Girlfriend?’

‘Yes, she was his secretary; but Germany?.....I think he’s gone to the
United States because he had applied for the visa, in fact I used to make
the calls for him to the US Embassy,” said the receptionist. The
receptionist was forthcoming with the information, but Umeed could take
in no more and hung up on her.

‘How can Eman do this to me? He can’t do this!’ For a long time she sat
there stunned. Then she got up and went to his wardrobe and flung it
open. It was full of his things so she felt a little reassured. She opened the
drawers and found his check book and also some small amounts of
foreign currency. She opened each drawer in turn and found that they
were all full. But the last drawer, where he kept his documents, was
glaringly empty. She went into the study and checked the drawers and

  80  
she found that all his necessary papers were gone. What remained were
items he could easily dispense with.

Next she called the bank and found that he had closed his account. She
called the US Embassy and she was informed that he had been granted a
visa to attend to some religious ceremonies. This was probably the most
horrifying day of her entire life! Within a few hours she had crash-landed
and her whole life had shattered around her. She felt humiliated beyond
words, and more humiliation was to follow her.

In desperation she called all the acquaintances she had met with Eman.
No one seemed to know any thing. He hadn’t shared any information
with any one or told any one of his plans. She even called up Karachi
where Eman knew a fellow national who worked for a multinational. He
too knew nothing of Eman’s plans. She also discovered that except for
Saud, no one else seemed to be aware of his conversion to Islam and they
were rather taken aback when she questioned them about this aspect of
his life. She was told, ‘Daniel mentioned that the two of you had come to
an understanding by which each of you would remain within the sphere
of your individual religious beliefs and practices,’ is what the gentleman
from Karachi said to her before she hung up.

The next piece of discovery came from the landlord. He told her that her
husband had informed him that they would be giving up the house after
another month. She was devastated! The car in the car porch belonged to
the company; the furniture belonged to the landlord because they had
taken a furnished house. The bank account had been discontinued and all
important documents pertaining to Eman’s life were gone. So, in essence,
she actually had nothing; he had left nothing behind for her. She was
bereft and wondered, ‘Why did Eman do this to me?’ was the question
she kept asking herself and seeking an answer from her tortured mind.
She couldn’t sleep the whole night and wondered what she should do
next.

She knew she would have to go to her family in Rawalpindi, after all,
what else was she to do? She would just have to put up a courageous
front and bear the humiliation that seemed to be her fate. But she couldn’t
understand why life was so cruel to her. What was it about her that every
time her good intentions landed her in a mess? All this while she was so
proud of the fact that because of her Eman Ali had converted from

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Judaism to Islam, and that too with such sincerity. But that was only a
farce it seemed. All this while she had been beguiled into believing that
he was a Muslim, but she had been living with him in a state of farcical
wedlock; she was married to a Jew, and the child she was carrying was
also the child of a Jewish father. How ironic life was! All she wanted was
to be a good practicing Muslim, and the men in her life seemed to be bent
on leading her astray!

*********************

Umeed’s mind was in turmoil with questions as she tried to analyze the
situation. She suddenly remembered that prior to their departure for
Germany Eman had mentioned an annual Jewish convention to be held in
America and that his father, Patrick seemed inclined to attend it. Now, it
seems that Eman aka Daniel had gone there too. She was thinking about
all that transpired before he left. His insistence that she go off to her
family in Rawalpindi was probably a ruse to enable him to give up the
house. She remembered the way he seemed to be unable to tear himself
away from her when he was leaving. She thought maybe he was trying to
tell her that he is leaving for good. But then, why did he need to run
away? He should have just told her that this marriage was not going to
work and that his conversion was only a farce he put on to be able to
marry her. Or may be the reason for his leaving was the child she was
carrying; was it possible that he didn’t want the child? Could it be that
the responsibility of the child scared him away? And why did take such
pains to convince her that he moved in a limited social circle and that he
didn’t enjoy parties and social events? As for his girlfriend; she wasn’t
aware that he had a girlfriend! Was it possible that ‘the other woman was
the cause of his departure? Was it possible that Eman could have changed
so quickly and that another woman could have become the object of his
affections to such an extent that he would abandon his life with her? But
then, it was quite possible, after all, he had forsaken all for her sake
hadn’t he? So why not for another woman?

She wondered what she should do next. She thought about contacting the
German Diplomatic mission to find him; and then what? Even if they
found him, the media publicity and exposure turned her cold. She thought
about the intrusion of the media on her life and the unwelcome publicity
that her mother and brothers would have to face and she surely did not
want to expose herself to all that! What would she and her family say to

  82  
their friends and acquaintances? It would be so embarrassing for all of
them and the thought of her child being born amidst the media circus was
definitely not a wise choice. And if the German mission did succeed in
bring Eman back; she knew she could not live with a man who was from
another faith. How could she? Was it not an injunction in Islam that
women could not marry men of other faiths? Nor did she want to cohabit
with a partner of a faith other than her own.

She thought about getting in touch with Dr Khursheed and may be even
with Saud Irtiza. Both of them had been instrumental in persuading her to
marry Eman Ali. In fact they had both guaranteed his conversion and also
vouched for his character; but then what would they be able to do? After
all, if the man has abandoned her and gone, what could they do? At the
most they might be able to persuade Eman to return; that too was a long
shot; but even if they did, was she ready to accept him under the changed
circumstances? And if they were unable to bring him back? She felt
humiliated at the thought of going to them with such a personal matter;
she did not want to beg and plead after all she had her own dignity and
self-respect to maintain. Eventually she decided to do nothing nor inform
anyone about her predicament until she herself had sorted out the doubts
and uncertainties plaguing her.

The morning brought more unpleasant news. She called Germany again
on the number she had for Eman’s parents, Sybil and Patrick, only to
discover that they had sold the house and moved away. Doubts plagued
her again; could it be that this was a complex devious plan involving his
parents too? Was it possible that they too were part of the charade and
that they knew that Eman aka Daniel had decided to abandon her? Dry
eyed and stone cold, she contemplated her destiny. She remembered that
she had maintained Eman’s confidence when he had requested that she
not inform his parents about his conversion of faith. She had played
along, letting them believe that this was a mixed faith marriage, with
each partner free to pursue their own faith and beliefs. ‘How they must
have laughed at me behind my back for my gullibility in taking Eman’s
word as gospel’, she thought. ‘Imagine, the lengths I went through to
keep the truth from them, which has now turned out to be a lie! Fate after
all cannot be changed. I did not comply with Jehanzeb’s demand because
I tried to save myself from sin, but it seems I was born to sin, here I have
been hoodwinked into sinning, how ironic is fate!’ She came to the
conclusion that her circumstances would not allow her to lead a dignified

  83  
existence, her only recourse lay in death with dignity. And this she
decided was the best course and the one she should adopt.

Lost in contemplation, she was shaken out of her deep thought by a

knock at the door. It was the domestic, Sabir, informing her that her
brother had come to see her. Oh God! She thought to herself, the last
people she wanted to see now were family! But there was no escape. She
pulled herself together and went out to meet him. One look at her and
Moeen knew that something was amiss; obviously she had not been able
to pull herself together. He stood up as she entered and exclaimed,
‘Umeed, what’s the matter?’

Umeed tried to muster up a smile and said, ‘Why? Nothing! Everything’s

okay!’ she sat down on the sofa next to him. ‘I’m just a little under the
weather, that’s why I look pale and worn out.’

Whether convinced or not by her explanation, he sat down next to her. ‘Is
Eman at the office?’ he asked. She wanted to burst into tears and tell him
all, but she restrained herself. Sometimes self-restraint is like burning in
hell fire!

As calmly as she could, she told him, ‘Eman is away in Germany for a
few days,’

‘Then what are you doing here all alone in this condition; pregnant and
under the weather! Come on, pack your things and come home with me
until your husband returns.’

‘No, no! I’m perfectly alright. Just today I feel a little under the weather,
that’s all,’ said Umeed.

‘Well, that settles it. I’m taking you with me, it was just a coincidence
that the company sent me to attend to a problem in the Lahore office,
otherwise we would never have known that you are unwell and alone.
Now pack your bag and let’s go,’ said Moeen.

‘I have a lot to do and Eman had said I should stay here, it’s not
advisable to leave the house and go away,’ Umeed argued.

  84  
‘What nonsense! The domestic servants are here and you can call Eman
and inform him that you are with us, he won’t mind, just pack your bag
and come along!’

‘You don’t understand!’ she persisted. ‘There’s so much to do at home!’

‘That’s too bad! You can do it all after Eman returns. For now, just get
dressed and come with me!’ Moeen was adamant.

Umeed tried to humor him, ‘I’ll tell you what; you go ahead and I’ll
follow in a couple of days.’

‘Impossible,’ he recounted, ‘I won’t budge without you.’

Umeed could not argue anymore and so decided to go along for now, but
thought to herself that she would find an excuse to return in a few days.

  85  
 Chapter 6

When she opened her eyes, she was transported back to all the ugliness in
her life. Jehanzeb, Eman Ali, her abandonment by both men; it all came
flooding back to her mind. Last night had been awful. She had lain awake
for long trying to solve the riddle of her life. God only knows what time
it was when she had finally fallen asleep! If only she could wish away
that the events of her life as nightmare. That way she would have been
freed of the agony on waking up. But now, she had to live with the
degradation and humiliation and continue living.

Her eyes felt heavy and smutty. She closed her eyes and rubbed them.
That is when she realized that her eyes were swollen and sore from the
crying she had allowed herself to indulge in last night. She had shed tears
and wept bitterly, but now, it was time to take action and she knew what
she had to do. She opened her eyes and looked around the room. It was as
it was and should be. She looked at the clock, it was nine in the morning
and the room was flooded with daylight; daylight that she found
unbearable—like her own life—that too was unbearable. She consoled
herself that in a little while all would be the same but she would be not
here, nor would she ever return. She listened to sounds of the house—
people talking and laughing, some silence and then some more
conversational tones. She told herself that she was hearing these sounds
for the last time in her life.

She focused on the sounds and tried to decipher the speakers.

Immediately she recognized Safina due to her infectious laughter;
Safina’s tinkling laughter and real mirth and enjoyment were not hard to
differentiate… her laughter rang with true happiness and pleasure. Then
Moeen’s ringing tone and booming voice; and also Saqib and his refined
tones and finally her mother and her soft and gentle tones. Suddenly she
heard another familiar voice. Was she dreaming? Could it really be? But
how? She waited to hear the voice again so that she could be sure; there it
was, ‘I don’t know,’ he said in answer to someone’s question. She froze
in shock and her mind went blank; this couldn’t be true she said to
herself.

She jumped out of bed and ran barefoot to the door and flung it open.
There was no doubt now; there he was amongst the others, sipping tea

  86  
and smiling at Saqib’s sallies,. Hearing the door open, everyone turned
towards it and her.

“Oh good! We didn’t have to awaken Umeed, she’s woken up herself,”

said Mother. But Umeed stood there in the open doorway, frozen
motionless, staring at Eman Ali who sat facing her on the chair opposite
the door.

In all her life she had hated no one but herself. Not even Jehanzeb who
had been unduly demanding. She always thought that one can only hate
oneself not another person. But now she realized that hatred for another
was possible, and this hatred for another has no parameters in depth and
intensity. At this time not only did she hate Eman Ali, she loathed him
and he repulsed her. She wanted to spit at his face and revile him for all
that she thought he was. She was so consumed with anger that had she
had burning coals in her hands, she would have flung them at him or then
if there were a bubbling cauldron, she would have flung him into it to
burn to death. She wished she had long nails like talons that she could
use to rake Eman’s face up. In fact she wanted to shred him with her
nails, shred him to bits; that’s how upset she was.

‘Assalam alaykum!’ Eman greeted her with a big smile, but she only
stared at him in silence.

‘Umeed, return the greeting,’ said Mother.

Umeed thought bitterly to herself, ‘Greet this man with the Islamic
greeting? This hypocrite!’ her expression was so bitter that even Eman
was a little taken aback.

‘Eman arrived a half hour ago to take you back home,’ Moeen said. ‘I
was explaining to him that you had in any case decided to return home
today. Looks like the two of you have telepathic communication,’ Moeen
joked.

Umeed turned on her heels and returned to her room.

‘What’s the matter with her?’ said Saqib quite surprised at her behavior.
But Eman was not surprised.

  87  
‘She’s upset,’ explained Eman. ‘I told you, for the last few days I had
been very busy and hadn’t called her. I’ll talk to her and fix things, don’t
worry.’ Eman put down his cup of tea and stood up. Umeed heard his
explanation through the door and watched him enter.

‘How are you, Umeed?’ Eman enquired. But she was so bitterly upset
that she could only stare at him silently. Inside, her mind was turmoil;
‘Why has this man come into my life? Why do I have to face so many
ups and downs in life?’ she complained to God. ‘I gave up the love of my
life to obtain your blessings, God, and in return what do I get? A man of
Jewish faith! And I’ve been living with him for the last one year under
the illusion that he forsook his own faith because he loved me. But this is
all a charade, wouldn’t it have been better that I had indulged Jehanzeb;
at least we share the same faith.’

‘I know you are upset, Umeed. But circumstances were such that I
couldn’t make contact with you. I returned to Pakistan today and
immediately set out to bring you home,’ said Eman by way of
explanation and apology.

Umeed was not interested in hearing his explanations and apologies. If

she had her way she would have had him forcibly removed from the
house. She wanted to scream at him and tell him that she knew all about
his charade and she was not fooled by him anymore. But she knew that
this was neither the time nor the place to bring this up. She did not want
her family, for whom she had struggled so hard, to witness her dishonor
nor did she feel it was the appropriate time to tell them all. She just did
not want them to suffer for her.

Life had never been kind to her. Many-a-times she had had to suffer in
silence with patience. This was just another such occasion. But this time,
she only needed to maintain her silence for a short while, may be a few
hours more. And after that, she would be dead, never to return. If he
hadn’t come, it would have been easier; for her to keep to her decision to
end her life. She had convinced herself that she was ending her life to
retain her faith; after all, everyone has to do what one has to, to keep
one’s faith. I want revenge for all the torture and lies he’s put me
through, and death will be ideal revenge for all that I have been wronged.
She looked at his smiling face and looked into his shining eyes and

  88  
decided that killing Daniel Edgar would revive her faith, her Eman or
faith in the actual sense of the word not as in Eman the man.

Eman apologized again, ‘I’m sorry, I’ll never do this ever again; I will
never disappear without contact ever again.’

Umeed just stared and silently discoursed, ‘Today will be the last day
that I will have any contact with you of any kind!’

‘Are you still upset with me?’ Eman asked placing his hand
apologetically on her shoulder. Umeed jerked his hand away and took a
step back. Eman was rather surprised and asked, ‘What is it?’

‘Nothing,’ said Umeed. ‘I’m glad you realize your fault so it’s all ok.’

‘You are not still upset are you?’ asked Eman

‘No, not at all,’ Umeed replied.

Eman seemed relieved and said, ‘When we get to Lahore I’ll tell you all I
did in America. You must be all packed, right? Mother mentioned that
you had planned to return to Lahore today in any case, I too need to
return today I have urgent matters to take care of. I couldn’t get any seats
on the flight so I booked us on the coach; we must leave now if we want
to make it.’ He was calmly explaining his program to her, but she was too
busy planning her own program to pay heed to his.

He again approached her and she felt repulsed by his nearness as he

stroked her cheek affectionately. ‘Oh God! It’s been a whole month and
four days since I last saw you. I can’t even begin to explain how I feel!
But I can tell you this much, looking at you again, being near you brings
me complete and utter peace and joy!’ explained Eman.

Umeed jerked his hand away again and moved away from him. ‘I have to
get dressed if we want to make it,’ she said and quickly left the room
without a backward glance to gauge the impact of her actions on Eman. ‘I
too am seeing you after a whole month and four days,’ she thought as she
left the room, ‘but where you feel tranquility, I feel tortured and
humiliated by your presence.’

  89  
‘Eman says he must return to Lahore today, but I wish you two would
stay until tomorrow,’ said Mother.

‘No, Mother, we must go today. He has some things to take care of in

Lahore, they are rather important so we have to go today.’ Umeed spoke
calmly.

‘But you don’t have seats on the flight and the drive is so long. I don’t
think it’s advisable in your condition,’ Mother worried.

‘No, I’ll be fine Mother. Please don’t fret,’ replied Umeed shortly and
hurried into her room. When she was dressed, she recited the first
chapter, Surah Fateha from the holy Quran and lifted her hands in prayer.
‘Dear God, this is my only chance to avenge the wrong I have
inadvertently committed. The only way I can absolve myself of this grave
sin is to end the life of this man as well as my own. I want to cleanse
myself of the grave sin I have committed by washing my sins away with
the blood of this man who defrauded me and my own blood. I am
ashamed that I allowed him to lead me on and that I believed him, trusted
him and lived with him in what I thought was legal wedlock. Support me
oh Allah; keep me firm and steadfast as I raise the weapon to do away
with him. Let my hands be strong and steady and my heart strong and
resilient. Let not pity and tears and fear blind me in my mission. Make
me unforgiving and hard-hearted in this task I plan to undertake. One
more time in life I am compelled to choose between faith and love, I have
chosen faith above love therefore, Oh Allah, help me in my this
endeavor, Oh the all Knowing, you know what has transpired and what I
have had to bear, give me courage to right the wrong that I have done.’

She felt a suffusion of strength within her being as she emerged from the
room. She returned to the lounge. Eman was talking to her mother. She
cast a cursory glance his way. Safina was serving breakfast. Eman looked
up at her and tried to study her face. But her face was expressionless as
she said, ‘I’m ready; shall we go now?’

‘You must have some breakfast first,’ Mother said indulgently.

‘I’m not hungry.’

  90  
‘It doesn’t matter whether you are hungry or not, you will not leave
without breakfast,’ Mother said firmly. ‘Umeed has this strange habit;
she doesn’t think it’s important to eat. She’s always been this way,’
Mother complained to Eman. ‘Does she do the same thing at home in
Lahore?’

‘Not really. She eats on time there, I think it’s just here that she becomes
careless about her meals,’ replied Eman, looking pointedly at his wife.

After breakfast, Moeen arranged for a taxi and Umeed and Eman walked
out the door. The entire household saw them off at the door, and after she
had hugged them all, Umeed turned round and looked at her Mother
wistfully one last time. Her eyes moistened when she realized she would
never see her mother again, but she quickly blinked her tears away and
with a sigh, stepped out the door. The couple set off for the bus station
where they would take the coach to Lahore.

On the coach, she climbed in and shut her eyes. She did not want Eman
to converse with her. She was too bent on what she had decided to do and
didn’t want to be distracted with small talk. Eman seated next to her felt
like a thorn in her side.

‘Why did you come to Rawalpindi, Umeed?’ he asked.

She wanted to scream at him and tell him that she knew all about his
duplicity, but she restrained herself and remained silent.

‘The reason I didn’t contact you…’

Umeed didn’t let him finish. She interrupted, ‘I don’t want to discuss
anything. I want to complete this journey in silence, therefore, please…’

Eman turned in his seat and looked at Umeed, but she was staring out the
window and he wondered why her tone was so harsh and unrelenting.
‘Your temper hasn’t cooled yet?’ he addressed her one more time, hoping
for an answer, but she remained silent.

‘What can I do to avert your anger?’ he asked.

  91  
‘You have to pay with your life,’ discoursed Umeed silently. Aloud she
said, ‘I told you before, I’m not angry. I have no reason to be upset; I just
want to complete this journey in silence because I don’t feel too good.’

Eman immediately became worried and fussed over her, ‘What’s wrong?
Are you alright?’ he enquired solicitously and covered her hand with his
own.

Umeed felt she had been smitten by a branding iron and she pulled her
hand away, and replied, ‘I’m ok I just have a headache,’ and she closed
her eyes.

‘Do you need a tablet?’

‘No, I only want to be quiet.’

Respecting her wish Eman remained quiet till the coach stopped at the
rest stop mid-way in to the journey to allow the passengers to stretch
their legs and get some refreshments. Eman asked Umeed if she wanted
anything to eat or drink. She refused but he still got her a cold drink and a
sandwich.

‘I told you I don’t want to eat anything!’ she said rather sternly and
despite her best efforts she could not keep the bitterness from her tone.
The rest of the journey passed in silence. Neither of them talked to each
other and she realized that Eman was puzzled and hurt by her attitude,
but she couldn’t have cared less.

*********************

When they got home, Umeed went in while Eman organized the
unloading and collection of the luggage. Umeed had just one piece of
luggage and the rest was all Eman’s. The domestic staff carried the
luggage into the house and Umeed retired to her bedroom. She expected
that Eman would soon leave for work and his engagements that he had
said were important. During the time that he was away she must execute
her plan as that was the only opportunity she would have.

Eman entered the room. Umeed was sitting on the couch. He approached
her and said, ‘Can you explain your attitude towards me?’

  92  
Umeed counter-questioned coldly, ‘What do you mean? What’s wrong
with my attitude?’

He sat down next to her but she immediately got up to move away. He
reached out and caught hold of her am and pulled her back down on to
the couch. ‘Sit down and talk to me!’

‘Don’t you dare touch me ever again!’

Stunned by her words, Eman said, ’What do you mean by that?’

‘You know perfectly well what I mean!’

‘You’re my wife, why should I not touch you?’ he demanded.

Umeed cringed inwardly; she wanted to abuse him and tell him she knew
all about his charade. All she wanted was to kill him. With great
difficulty she managed to control herself and said, ‘I don’t want to argue
with you.’

‘But I want to discuss the issue with you. You know that your attitude is
hurting me.’ Eman tried to reason.

‘Well, I can’t help that!’ Umeed replied coldly and Eman was left staring
at her in shock.

‘Don’t be this way, Umeed. I agree I should have stayed in touch, but at
least listen to me…’

‘Stop it! I don’t want to listen to your excuses and reasons!’ Umeed
screamed at him.

Eman was taken aback by her behavior and asked, ‘Umeed, what’s
happened in this last one month that’s made you hate me so much?’

Instead of answering him, Umeed glared at him and turned away. ‘For
the last seven hours I’ve been so upset by your attitude, Umeed. You
have no idea how miserable I’ve been. I know you don’t love me, I know

  93  
you don’t care for me, but I do, and your every word, every action has an
impact on me.’

Umeed was visibly disturbed. In the last one year this was the first time
that Eman was baring his soul to her, and she wondered what he was up
to and how far he would go in the ruse that he had adopted. She looked at
him searchingly. She thought, ‘Does he really realize that I don’t love
him? Or is he just trying to bluff me?’

She realized Eman was talking to her, ‘Nothing hurts me more than your
indifference and unconcern. I have never demanded that you love me the
way I love you. But at least I expect that you show some consideration
for the love I have for you. Don’t make me feel foolish for caring about
you. I’m the kind of person who develops few relationships, but then the
ones I do develop are for keeps. You have a very important place in my
life and if you want to extract yourself from it, it will cause me
tremendous pain especially now that we have spent so much time
together. If I have wronged you in any way, tell me, I will apologize and
make it up to you, but give me a chance to explain.’

‘Ok, I’ve heard you out, now I want to rest a bit.’ Umeed’s voice was
cold. Eman felt she had flung a glass of iced water at him. His face paled
at her coldness and he got up from where he was sitting next to her. For a
moment Umeed felt a thrill of triumph. She had been living with Eman
for a year now, and this was the first time she had seen him lose his cool,
normally he was very calm and collected, but today she had managed to
rile him. She got up from the sofa and sat down on the bed. Eman went
into the dressing room. When he emerged, he had changed his clothes.
He picked up his briefcase and opened it, looked through it and closed it.
Umeed lay down on the bed and covered herself with a sheet. He picked
up his keys and walked towards the bedroom door. He opened the door,
and before he stepped out, he turned round to look at her as though he
wanted to say something. Umeed saw him turn and quickly closed her
eyes. She heard him approach her and felt him stop by her bedside.

‘I’m going out for a couple of hours, I have something s to attend to. The
cook isn’t here; I’ll pick up something for dinner on the way back. What
would you like me to bring and do you need anything else?’ he asked.

  94  
‘There will be no dinnertime….!’ She thought to herself and ignored him
and his query. He waited for a while, but then turned round to go;
perhaps he had understood that she would not answer him.

Before he left, he told her, ‘I’ve brought some gifts for you; they’re in the
brown suitcase. Take a look when you feel up to it.’ He then switched off
the light and left the room.

Umeed took a deep breath and sat up and waited until she heard the car
start up and drive off. When the sound of the car had receded, she stood
up and hurriedly turned on the light and opened the bedroom door and
emerged into the lounge. The domestic, Sabir, was watching TV there,
and Umeed knew that Eman had told him to sit here and wait until his
own return. It was Eman’s normal routine to have the man wait until his
return in case Umeed needed help or assistance.

She addressed him and said, ‘Sabir, it’s ok, you can retire for the night, I
don’t need you, I’ll open the door for Eman when he returns.’

Sabir stood up and said, ‘Sir has asked me to iron his clothes, I’ll do that
now then go.’

‘Don’t worry about that, Sabir, I’ll do them. You can go.’ Umeed replied.
Sabir left shaking his head. Next she called out to the gatekeeper and told
him to leave after a half hour. ‘I’m letting you go early today because
tomorrow we will be entertaining and we will need you to spend a longer
time here. I think it’s important for you to go home and get a good
night’s rest tonight. Come in at eight in the morning tomorrow.’ She
provided the explanation to allay any doubts that he may have.

‘Madam, sir isn’t home yet. I’ll wait for him to get back before I leave,’
the watchman replied.

‘No! It’s ok. He’s just gone to get something from the store. He’ll be
back soon, you go ahead, and I’ll manage,’ Umeed told him.

After the gatekeeper left she closed the gate and went into the house.
Eman had a revolver for security and he always kept it loaded. He had
shown it to her when they got married and also instructed her in using it.

  95  
‘You see, I’m a foreigner and you know this country is not safe for
foreigners, what with all the kidnappings and stuff….therefore I keep this
gun for security purposes. I’ve had a couple of break-ins too, that’s why I
need to keep the gun and you must know how to use it for your own
security when you are alone at home.’ Eman had explained to Umeed.
Now Umeed was planning to use the very same weapon to eliminate him.
She opened Eman’s bedside drawer and removed the gun. She checked to
see that it was loaded. She took the gun into the lounge and hid it inside
one of the larger ornamental pieces there. She wasn’t confident about her
aim, because she had never used it. Nevertheless, she was determined to
try because this is the only chance she had. If she missed or lost this
opportunity, she would not have another chance to plan the revenge.

In her uncertainty and doubt she wondered, ‘Would it be better to wait

for him to go to sleep then shoot him?’ But then, what if he didn’t sleep
that night? He often worked all night especially over the weekend. She
was now puzzled. She knew she couldn’t wait until tomorrow; whatever
had to be done she had to tonight, but how and when? Finally she
decided, ‘If he comes into the bedroom, then I will shoot him in his sleep.
If he decides to work all night, then I will shoot him in his study.” She
finally had her plan all set.

Now that she had decided to use the gun and decided on the place, she
thought, ‘I should hide the gun in the study. If he comes into the study I
will follow him in a little later. If he looks up at the sound of the door
opening, I will make an excuse that I’ve come in to get a book to read
and he will again get engrossed in his work. I will then remove the
hidden gun and shoot him!’ She found a place to hide the gun. ‘And if he
doesn’t go into the study but retires straight to the bedroom, I can always
come into the study and get the gun and return to the bedroom and shoot
him.’ She had the plan all worked out now.

She went back into the lounge and retrieved the gun and returned to the
study. She walked over to book shelf to find the right book to hide the
gun behind. She knew it should be some book that he would most likely
not use that night, and also it would be within easy reach for her. She
scanned the shelves for the appropriate place to hide the gun. He eyes
embarked on a set of books of Islamic teachings written in English by
local and foreign writers and she felt angry all over again. Eman used to
bring home a lot of Islamic books and she thought it was for the purpose

  96  
of learning all about the religion but she knew better now. It was all part
of the charade. ‘And to think, that I fell for the ruse every time! How
stupid, how foolish I have been!’ she lamented to herself and cursed
herself for being so blind, so trusting, so gullible! She was convinced that
when alone he never touched the books and therefore thought it was the
ideal place to hide the gun. She released the safety catch and hid the gun
behind the books. Satisfied and ready for action, she emerged from the
study.

She suddenly realized that she had not offered the night prayer and
wanted to complete it while Eman was away from home; she consciously
thought that this would be the last prayer she would offer before her
death. Performing the ablutions required before offering the prayers, she
noticed that her hands were trembling. As she did her ablutions she
visualized her entire life as she had lived it for twenty-seven years. The
sands of life seemed to be slipping through her fingers and she realized
that no one knows what life holds for them and what kind of experiences
await one. She thought about her birth and how her father must have
recited the aazan in her ears. He must never have imagined the ups and
downs she would face in life. She thought about how hard he had
worked, how honest he was and how he had ensured that he earn an
honest living for his family. She felt guilty about how she had managed
to get trapped in a situation that made her feel sullied and soiled and on
the threshold of death she felt she had wronged him and had he been
alive, he would have been as ashamed and as sad. She felt she had been
cursed and the curse had brought her to this dead-end. Could it be
Jehanzeb who had cursed her? She wondered how life would have turned
out had she not turned Jehanzeb down that night five years ago. That
seemed to be a minor sin compared to what she had now done. She had
deliberately married a man who was not a Muslim, and according to the
tenets of the faith, she had committed an unforgivable sin for which she
must die. Whereas if she had spent the night with Jehanzeb, she was
hopeful that Allah would have forgiven her. Yet she knew that marrying
a man not of her faith had been a genuine scam and she had not been a
part of it but her innocence had trust had been exploited.

Having completed her ablutions, she returned to her room and continued
thinking regarding the one sin she had exercised her option on and
avoided it, but in this case, it seems to have been her destiny and she had
no control over it, therefore she could not avoid it. Five years ago she had

  97  
chosen faith (Eman) over love and a year ago, she had chosen Eman Ali
as a harbinger of salvation. Both times she seemed to have lost all and
gained nothing; neither love nor faith. ‘I only wanted faith but the first
time round I lost my beloved and the second time round I seem to have
been deprived of my faith too. Was I wrong in my desire or did I make a
wrong decision in my selection…’her mind was in a turmoil.

She started her prayers and found that she could not concentrate on the
prayers. Her mind continued to think the torturous thought that seemed to
have become her companions. At the end of the prayer, she lifted her
hands in supplication and wondered, ‘Is it possible that a person as sinful
as me begs through supplication and has her destiny changed?’ Five
years ago when she failed to hold on to Jehanzeb, she had fallen into self-
loathing and today she felt that she had reached the limits of self-
loathing.

She completed her prayers and picked up the prayer mat. Her eyes fell on
the brown suitcase and she remembered that Eman had told her that the
suitcase contained gifts he had gotten her from his trip to the USA, She
unzipped the suitcase and started removing the things. Chocolates, a
watch, a cardigan, some jewelry, she picked up all the things and flung
them around; she didn’t appreciate anything he had brought her and
smiled sardonically as she said ‘Gifts!’ The suitcase was almost empty
but not quite. At the bottom she saw a large package and removed it. She
opened it and emptied the contents on to the ground, they were little toys
for a little baby. For a moment she froze and felt a strange clutch at her
heart and her hands trembled again. She picked up the toys and looked at
them. Regretfully she thought that no child would play with these toys,
because the unborn child would die along with her and Eman. Holding
the toys she felt an unfamiliar sense of regret that she had not anticipated.
She remembered how excited Eman was about the baby she was
expecting and the plans that he was making for it.

‘I’ll have to alter my working hours and spend more time at home if I
want to be with my child,’ he had told her. He talked about his hopes and
dreams for the child with his mother too and often conveyed to Umeed
the precautions Sybil suggested in order to have a pleasant pregnancy and
a healthy baby.

  98  
‘For years I have had been living a very ordinary predictable life. But my
conversion, marrying you and now the baby, have all been major changes
in my life and have added value and worth to it. Life is suddenly
enjoyable, complete and worth living. Sharing a home with parents and
then living by oneself and finally sharing a home and a life with a wife;
looking forward to a new arrival in the family are all different aspects of
life. It is like an expanding circle. First there is the relationship with ones
parents which forms the initial circle then it expands to include a wife
and child; the increasing number of relationships brings with it a feeling
of completion and harmony and security.

‘I was very lucky to have a wonderful father and I hope to be a wonderful

father to my children,’ Eman had said to her one day.

Holding the toys, the memories flooding her mind, she thought, ‘If this
man had not tried to deceive me, and had our life been what I thought it
to be, I would have had a totally different reaction to these toys from the
one I am now having. Eman wasn’t alone in dreaming dreams about the
baby; I too had woven a web of dreams around this child that I am
carrying.’ She felt tears sliding down her cheeks.

Countless times she had imagined the baby in the house with them,
playing. She had imagined herself doing things for the baby. She had
imagined the baby gurgling, cooing and laughing and smiling and now
she was trying to picture the child dead. She wondered, ‘Do all children
weave chains around the parents’ feet—the way I feel now about this yet
to be born child?’ She felt a strange tremor in her body that started at the
top of her head and traveled like an electric shock down her spine and
right down to the tip of her toes.

‘If only I could have given you life….I am preparing for your death even
before you’ve come into this world.’ She spoke regretfully to the unborn
child she was carrying. For a moment she imagined the baby lying there
smiling up at her and holding the toys and she burst into sobs. ‘I can’t
help it, I’m helpless, the situation is definitely not in my control and
living under these circumstances will definitely be more painful than
death will be for you.’ She seemed to apologize to the unborn child.

She was still crying when she heard the horn of the car and immediately
returned to reality. Eman had returned and now…now she….

  99  
She threw down the toys and rushed into the bathroom and splashed her
face with water to remove all traces of tears from her face and from her
eyes. She wiped her face with her dupatta as she emerged from the
bathroom. She again heard Eman honk again impatiently two or three
times in succession. She unlocked the entrance door and rushed towards
the gate to open it.

Eman was surprised and displeased to see her open the gate. He drove
into the driveway and stopped halfway. He rolled down the window and
asked her, ‘Where’s the gatekeeper?’ and he opened the car door and
stepped out.

Umeed replied, ‘He had an emergency at home and had to leave in a

hurry.’ She approached the gate to close it.

But Eman stopped her and said, ‘Let it be, I’ll do it.’ He walked towards
the gate and she went into the house. Her heart was beating far too fast
and she walked towards the kitchen and got herself a glass of cold water
in an effort to regain control of herself. Eman too came straight to the
kitchen with his hands full of parcels that he put down n the dining table
and asked, ‘Where’s Sabir?’

‘Oh, I told him to retire to his room in the back,’ She spoke nonchalantly.

‘Why would you do that? He was supposed to serve dinner.’

Umeed shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘No particular reason.’

Eman looked at her baffled and left the kitchen. She followed him out
and when she entered the bedroom, she found Eman collecting the gifts
that she had flung around and putting them back into the suitcase with
great care. He glanced up at Umeed, and his eyes said it all. His eyes
portrayed hurt and disappointment; pain and disbelief and most of all
anger and accusation. He zipped up the suitcase and along with the rest of
the luggage, carried it all away into the dressing room. A few minutes
later he emerged having changed into his night suit. Umeed was watching
TV. He walked over to his bedside table and opened drawer after drawer
as though looking for something. He then turned to her and asked,
‘Where’s the gun?’

  100  
Umeed held her breath for a moment. She had forgotten that as a matter
of routine he checked the gun every night before retiring. Too late, she
had forgotten and now he had been searching and couldn’t find it. For a
moment she didn’t know what to say as he stood there his hands on his
hips, looking down at her. He repeated his question, ‘Where’s the gun?
I’m asking you.’

‘I have no idea.’ She replied with apparent unconcern despite the fact that
her heart was beating hard and fast.

‘What do you mean you don’t know where the gun is?’ he asked
apparently concerned about the missing weapon.

‘I can’t be responsible for keeping track of every item in the house, you
must have put it somewhere else.’ She replied with a voice dripping
venom that she had adopted to parry his questions.

‘You know I always keep it here, in this drawer but it isn’t here now.’ He
looked worried, and asked, ‘Do you think you might have kept it
somewhere?’

Umeed was not ready to help and said, ‘Why would I need to do
something like that...but then I don’t remember clearly, perhaps I moved
it, I don’t remember.’ She quickly changed her tone because it struck her
that he might summon Sabir and question him, which would become a
long drawn out affair.

‘Please look for it in your drawers,’ he requested Umeed as he remained

standing. Umeed opened her chest of drawers in turn and made a pretense
of searching them knowing that the gun wasn’t there.

‘Not there?’ he enquired and she shook her head in negation. He walked
into the dressing room. Umeed heard him open the wardrobes and search
the drawers. She sat in the bedroom, pressing her lips together tightly,
reflecting on how a small error of forgetfulness seemed to have ruined
her carefully laid plans and preparations.

*********************

  101  
‘Yes,’ Umeed thought to herself. There was absolutely no need to have
moved the gun. She could have left it where it was. Then, she could have
just taken it out as and when she felt was an opportune moment and used
it. So, if Eman would have retired to the study, she could have removed
the gun from the bedside drawer and gone to the study, and if he looked
up she could have hidden it behind her back until he looked away,
then…bang! She would have shot him. On the other hand, if he had
retired to bed, she could have waited until he fell asleep and then, she
could have quietly removed the gun from the drawer, and …bang!. Either
way she would have been able to get to the gun at the right time.

Umeed cursed herself for being so stupid! Now she had no idea how he
would react to the mystery of the missing gun. ‘Stupid! Stupid, stupid!’
She silently berated herself. How could she have forgotten that Eman was
a very cautious man? Most of his working years he had spent in foreign
lands. And Eman, like all foreigners living in unfamiliar lands, had learnt
to be vigilant and cautious, especially having lived in a hostile third
world environment, like had for the last many years. She now recalled
how every time they went on a road trip or a long drive, he made sure
that he took his gun along. It was a precautionary measure he had learned
to adopt. And now, for the gun to go missing from his own bedroom!!
This was a mystery that had to be solved, no matter what.

While Umeed was trying to get a reign on her frenzied mind and
endeavoring to remain indifferent, Eman had been meticulously
searching every nook and corner of the bedroom. He closed the last
drawer of the dressing table, and tiredly sank onto the stool in front of the
dressing table. Umeed seemed to be engrossed in the TV program, but
actually she was highly conscious of Eman and his search for the missing
weapon. He seemed to be lost in thought for a while, then he let out a
deep sigh and addressed Umeed, ‘Do you think you might have moved
the gun and put it somewhere and forgot about it?’

‘I told you, I don’t remember! I haven’t been at all well for the last few
weeks and I seem to have become very forgetful because of it,’ Umeed
replied with a contrived calmness she didn’t feel as she ran her tongue
over her dry lips.

‘Did you to check the gun every night while I was away?’ Eman
continued.

  102  
Umeed replied shortly, ‘No, I didn’t feel the need to.’

‘Well, I have repeatedly told you to do so; if something had happened,

what would you have done without the gun? You were alone; how can
you be so … careless? Why don’t you listen when I tell you something
for your own good and safety?’ He sounded exasperated; or was it anger?
She couldn’t quite tell.

Umeed turned to him and retorted, ‘But nothing happened!’ Her tone
implied insolence and Eman was stunned by her indifference to a serious
matter such as a missing gun.

He looked at her as she pretended to watch TV and asked. ‘But what if

something had happened? What if you had been in a situation that
required that you defend yourself? What then?’ His tone suggested that
he was truly riled by her careless attitude towards what he considered to
be a serious issue.

‘So, it would have happened, so what!’ Umeed replied with complete

detachment.

Eman stared at her silently for a few moments then enquired, ‘Before you
left for Rawalpindi, do you remember seeing the gun? Was it here at that
time?’ This time Umeed realized there was a coldness in his tone that she
had not heard before.

‘I don’t remember.’ Umeed replied tersely.

‘So, try and remember!’ This time Eman said every word forcefully.

Umeed put on an air of grievance as she said, ‘Do you mean to say I have
something to do with the missing gun? Are you trying to say that I’ve
hidden it?’

‘I never said that.’ Eman replied with suppressed impatience.

‘Well, you seem to be implying that with all your questioning.’ Umeed
accused him.

  103  
Eman replied bitterly, ‘You are not so perceptive as to be able to gauge
the depth of what I mean.’

‘I do know and I have understood and I know a lot more than you think I
do!’ Umeed burst out.

Eman stared at her unblinking and very coldly enquired, ‘Pray, what do
you know and what have you discovered that I am unaware of?’

Umeed quickly restrained herself and replied, ‘You’ll find out when the
time is right; at the appropriate time, you will come to know what I have
discovered!’

‘I think it is time for you to reveal all!’ Eman said in a tone that she could
not fathom.

‘Are you trying to use a small excuse for a full fledged fight?’ challenged
Umeed.

‘I want to fight?’ Eman asked incredulous.

‘Yes, so it seems; that’s why you are making a mountain of a mole

hill….you want to be rid of me! You want me to leave and go away!’
Umeed seemed to be losing self-control as she hurled accusations widely.

‘Why in heavens name would I want to get rid of you?’ he replied rather
surprised at her accusations.

‘You want to be rid of me so that I remain unaware of your deceit. That

your fraudulent behavior and your crimes remain undetected!’ Umeed
replied in rising anger and the thoughts that she wanted to conceal
seemed to come pouring out of her mouth.

She saw the color drain from his face as he stared at her unblinking for
what seemed to be a long time before he replied. ‘I would like to know
what you are referring to when you accuse me of dishonesty, crime and
fraudulent behavior.’ Eman’s tone was exaggeratedly polite.

Umeed had regained control of herself by now. She realized that she did
not want to reveal all yet. ‘I don’t want to discuss this matter any further.’

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But Eman was not willing to give up and said, ‘Oh, But I do!’

Umeed retorted impatiently, ‘Stop it! All for a misplaced gun! Why don’t
you just let it go, I’ll pay for the blighted gun!’

‘What do you mean you’ll pay for it? Who’s asking you for money?’
Eman was really riled now.

‘Well, if it’s not got anything to do with money, why is there such a
ruckus about it?’ Umeed replied.

Eman was stunned, ‘Have I ever asked you to pay for anything?’

Umeed wanted to say that he had asked her to pay the heavy price of her
faith and her life, but she restrained herself and remained silent.

Eman tried to explain his frustration to her, ‘Do you realize what it means
if a gun disappears from the house? That is a licensed gun and if it’s been
stolen and used in criminal activities, the police will come after me, I
could be arrested and my career will be affected by it. And what’s more,
until the gun remains lost, we ourselves are in danger, after all who could
have come into our bedroom and taken it from a safe hiding place! Any
one who has the guts to do that can do anything to us. If it is one of the
domestic help then we are in real trouble. You have let the watchman
take off because of an emergency at home, all this could be part of a
larger plot. I must call one of the security agencies and arrange with them
to send over a guard immediately. In the morning please make sure that
you search for the missing gun and if you can’t find it I will have to lodge
a report with the police.’ While talking to her he walked towards the
telephone. He quickly arranged for a temporary guard with a security
agency. Umeed watched the whole event helplessly and cursed herself
because one small error had alerted Eman and she didn’t know what
would transpire next.

Eman walked out of the bedroom and Umeed was certain that he would
give the whole house a quick once over and maybe even summon Sabir
the domestic help. That is exactly what happened. Eman came into the
bedroom and used the intercom to call Sabir. She pressed her lips tightly
together and watched Eman as he went about his quest for the missing
gun. He returned a few moments later and informed her that the domestic

  105  
Sabir, didn’t know anything about the missing gun. Umeed ignored him
and continued watching TV. Eman went out of the room and Umeed
heard the doorbell peal and assumed that the security guard from the
agency had arrived.

Umeed said to herself, ‘It doesn’t matter, I can still go ahead with my
plans. The security guard will be posted outside. He won’t know what’s
happening indoors. But then, why did I send the watchman away? He
would also have been outside.’ She knew she had sent the men away
because she did not want to risk any intervention in executing her plans.
But now the situation had changed and the absence of the usual indoor
and outdoor domestic help had become a problem.

After a while; perhaps fifteen or twenty minutes later, things seemed to

have quietened down. Umeed suspected that Sabir had retired again to his
room at the back of the house but Eman had not returned to the bedroom.
She stood up, switched off the TV and walked into the corridor. The light
in the lounge had been switched off but under the closed door of the
study, light gleamed suggesting that Eman was there. Without switching
on the light in the corridor, and with her heart beat in her mouth she
approached the study. At the door she bent down to peer through the
keyhole. She could see a portion of the table, but the computer and the
chair were not in her line of vision. She listened at the door, but heard
nothing; the study seemed completely quiet. She straightened up and
stood there outside the study door.

For a few moments Umeed remained where she was to allow her
breathing to return to normal and her heart also needed to slow down
again. Then she slowly turned the door knob and entered the room.
Eman’s chair was unoccupied and she saw that instead of the computer,
he was at the prayer mat in another corner of the room, praying. She was
rather surprised and stood stock still and wondered, ‘Why is he praying?
He isn’t…’ the anomaly was too much for to absorb and she became
quite confused.

She recalled all the other inconsistencies in his statements to her. How
she had called his work place and they had denied the existence of Eman
Ali as an employee but they knew of Daniel Edgar. This information was
quite in contradiction to what Eman had told her. He had told her that at
the work place he had informed his colleagues of his conversion and his

  106  
change of name, and that he was now addressed by his new name. Then
the fact that he had applied for a visa to attend a religious convention in
America; what was that convention about? And then the information she
got from an elderly acquaintance who said that Daniel had not changed
his religion but that Umeed and he had decided to have an inter faith
marriage allowing both to retain their own faith.

Then there was the matter of his resignation at a time when she was
expecting his child; the cleaned out bank account and transfer of funds
and his missing documents; his parents’ sudden disappearance from their
home in Germany. These were all unanswered questions and surely
caused suspicion. All this plus the fact that for a whole month she had
had no contact with him and didn’t know how to get in touch with him.
All the events and evidence combined to arouse her suspicions and
convince her that Eman had abandoned her.

The only part that was mystifying was his return. That was something
that didn’t fit in with the rest of the picture. When he had wound up
everything and left, why did he return? What had brought him back? She
wanted an answer to this conundrum. Yet at the same time she was
impatient to be rid of him, and now when she was on the verge of
eliminating him she found him praying in the study. She asked herself,
‘Did he know I would come into the study, and did he adopt the prayer
posture just to hoodwink me?’ She considered for a moment and then
thought, ‘No, that is not possible. Then did he hear my footsteps and fall
into the prayer pose? But why did he need to pretend to be at prayer? Is it
possible that he realized I have discovered his deception? I did alert him
with my innuendos and indirect hints; may be that is why he was so upset
about the missing gun. May be he guessed I would use the weapon after
he fell asleep and that’s why he decided to stay in the study and then he
thought I might come into the study so to defraud me he decided to
pretend to be praying.’

She stood there still as a statue looking at him praying while random
thoughts ran through her mind clarifying and justifying her suspicions.
‘So, now he knows everything and the two of us are playing bluff with
each other; I started the game in the morning and now he’s joined in.’

She smiled a bitter smile and tiptoed towards the bookshelf where she
had hidden the gun. At the shelf she turned around to look at Eman, but

  107  
he was engrossed in prayer. She turned back to the shelf and carefully
removed the two books behind which she had hidden the gun, but she got
the shock of her life causing her to freeze in mid action—the gun was not
there. It had disappeared from its hiding place! Her hands trembled as she
reached behind the books again. She felt she had become ensnared in her
own trap! She was sure that if she turned around Eman would be looking
at her with a sinister smile, mocking her and her well-laid plans. With
trembling hands she replaced the books and even though turning around
would be admitting defeat, she had no choice so with leaden feet she
turned around, and once more, stood motionless with shock. She had
expected Eman to be standing behind her mocking her; but he was in
prostration position of prayer and oblivious to all that she was doing.

’How long is he going to mock me with pretense! Now he knows that I

know everything and that I plan to kill him, why is he still pretending to
be praying!’ her frenzied mind tortured her with these unshared thoughts
and ideas.

Struggling with her thoughts, her eyes swept over the work table and
alighted on an object that she could only stare at—the missing gun —
without another thought she quickly moved to the table and picked up the
gun, the safety catch was unlocked. She felt an unknown inner strength
flood through her as she approached Eman from behind with gun in hand.
She was sure that despite being occupied in prayer, Eman was aware of
her every move since she entered the room. She aimed the weapon at
Eman’s back who was in still prostrating. She closed her eyes and with a
heart beating rapidly, began to exert pressure on the trigger…but, she
couldn’t do it! Something held her back and helplessly she opened her
eyes and lowered the gun.

‘This guy is being deceitful…but he’s praying…how can I kill him while
he’s praying? All day I’ve waited to kill him but I do that while he is
praying! I’ll wait a few minutes, after all a few minutes is all it will take
him to complete his prayers.’ Umeed lowered the weapon and moved
back a couple of steps; she leant against the bookshelf, her eyes glued to
Eman’s back. She watched him perform the last part of the prayer ritual
and quickly hid the gun behind her. When Eman completed the prayer, he
remained sitting on the prayer mat, but turned around to look at her.
‘Umeed, do want to see me about anything?’ he asked.

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‘Yes, I want to talk to you,’ Umeed replied.

He looked at her and said, ‘Let me finish praying and then we will talk.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I want to talk now. You can pray later, first listen to what
I have to say.’ Umeed was persistent.

Eman explained, “Look, I only have the last two part of the prayer left to
complete; let me do that then we can talk at length and I won’t be
distracted.’ He raised his hands and started praying again.

Umeed complied but underneath she was seething with resentment and
abusing him under her breath like she had never abused any one before.
‘What is he trying to prove? What’s left now in the deception? Does he
think he’s making a place in heaven for himself with his false
declarations of faith?’

Umeed waited impatiently for him to finish. She decided she would shoot
as soon as he rose from the prayer mat. Eman completed the prayer, rose
and bent down to pick up the prayer mat and folding it turned towards
Umeed and froze midstep. There was Umeed with the gun pointing at
him. She saw the look of utter disbelief in his eyes as she pressed the
trigger.

*********************

And then she pulled the trigger again, and again, and again….but there
was no bang and no evidence of any bullets having slammed into Eman’s
chest….the gun was empty, it had no bullets! She couldn’t believe it
because when she hid the gun in the study she had checked that it was
loaded. The only explanation was that Eman had removed the bullets
because he suspected….?

‘Why? Why do you want to kill me?’ Eman shouted.

Umeed lost all sense of reason and control and screamed, ‘I want to kill
you and I will do so because that is what you deserve!’ Normally she was
so calm and cool that Eman was quite shocked to hear her screaming in
this way.

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‘But I haven’t deceived you in any way. I haven’t done anything that
would enrage you to the point of murder!’ Eman replied quite
flabbergasted at Umeed and her behavior.

‘Don’t lie…don’t lie to me …. At least now that I have seen through you
and your charade!’ Umeed screamed even louder. ‘You belong to a
hypocritical race Daniel Edgar, a race that is notorious for deception,
dishonesty, connivance in untruth and conspiracies!’

‘Daniel Edgar?’ Eman said to himself, shaking his head in confusion.

Umeed continued unabated, ‘The web of deceit that you wove around me
is characteristic of your race, how could you be true to anyone? After all
you are a Jew!’ There was loathing in her voice as she said this. The
color drained from Eman’s face as he listened to her spewing her venom
at him. ‘Did you think I would continue living with you in sin and never
know that the marriage is a farce? Did you expect that I would quietly
compromise and accept being married to a Jew? Daniel Edgar, how I hate
you! You cannot even imagine how I hate being near you,!’

‘My name is Eman Ali, I am not Daniel Edgar. Please use my correct
name when you address me!’ Eman replied assertively.

But Umeed was in no mood to be mollified, ‘Do you think changing your
name will change your character? Who are you trying to fool by
changing your name?’

‘I am neither a Jew nor am I Daniel Edgar, and if you continue to call me

Daniel Edgar I shall slap you!’ Eman’s eyes were blazing with anger
even though his tone remained even.

Umeed was not to be cowed down. She used the butt of the gun she held
to hit him on the head. Eman tried to parry the blow but the butt caught
him on the temple and a severe pain shot through his head. ‘You are
Daniel and will always be Daniel; There is no way that you can be Eman
Ali!’ Umeed screamed at him.

Eman approached Umeed and standing nose to nose challenged her,

‘Let’s hear you call me Daniel now!’

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‘I will call you Daniel because that is your name!’ Umeed screamed and
then reeled with the impact of the slap as Eman’s hand made contact with
her face and she fell to the ground.

‘What do you hope to prove by slapping me? Do you think that this will
convince me that you’re a sincere Muslim? I know all about you, you
deceiving creature! Before slapping me you should have slapped the
people in your work place; they are the ones who told me the truth about
you. That’s the place where every one calls you Daniel and no one knows
Eman Ali. Why don’t you slap the US Embassy that knows you as
Daniel? Why slap me?’ Umeed shrieked in protest as she got up off the
ground.

Eman took a step back as she continued taunting him, ‘All your
documents are in the name of Daniel, every one knows you as Daniel,
then why are you being melodramatic and why have you adopted the
name Eman Ali only for me! Why have you pulled me down into this
noxious whirlpool of pretense and deceit? And of course, you want to
abandon me and go away!’ Eman remained silent in the face of her
tirade.

Umeed was not through yet, ‘I can’t believe that anyone can be as
shameless and deceptive as you are. You are cruel and unscrupulous and
satanic! You pretended to love me and to convert so I would marry you;
when I did, I find that it was all a ruse and you don’t care that it hurts my
conscience and disturbs my soul! And after you have had your fill, you
want to leave; tell me to my face that you want to leave me; don’t sneak
away like a thief! And after all this you expect me to continue with the
ruse and call you Eman Ali? ‘Eman’ that means ‘faith’; But I don’t have
faith in you, you aren’t worth being called “faith”!’

‘Umeed, I have not deceived you in any way; as for abandoning you, I’m
right here with you.’ Eman’s reply to her ranting was calm and collected.
‘Ok, where did you go? Did you go to Germany or the United States?’
she asked challengingly. She expected him to be shocked but he just kept
silent while she continued, ‘You applied for an American visa in order to
participate in the annual Jewish convention….You said you were
traveling for work purposes but you had already resigned from the
company. You closed your bank account; you removed your documents
from here. Your parents have moved away from their home in Germany,

  111  
God knows where they are! Or perhaps you know. You have given notice
to the landlord that you will be vacating the house. The car parked
outside belongs to the company you worked for, and will have to be
returned by the end of the month. That’s not all; you even had the
audacity to take your girlfriend along with you.

‘You said that all your documents had been changed to your new name,
that is all lies. Your identity papers still identify you as Daniel Edgar.
You told your Uncle that we have a mutual agreement and that you
haven’t converted, that you are still a Jew but anyway, you told me you
were going away to Germany for a week and then you cut off all
communication and contact; after that you have the audacity to turn up a
month later as though nothing has happened; why have you returned?
What brought you back? That I don’t understand, everything else smacks
of insincerity and deceit.’

She expected Eman to display fear and shame; she thought he would
make excuse or at least apologize for his deeds, but she was disgusted to
see that Eman did none of that. Instead, he just looked at her coldly and
expressionlessly. Finally he said, ‘Ok, so I abandoned you and went
away, is that why you decided to kil me?’

Umeed clarified, ‘I couldn’t care less if you left me; that is not why I
wanted to shoot you. I felt cheated the way you claimed conversion to
marry me but in actuality you had not converted. That, as far as I am
concerned, is an unpardonable crime and you deserved to die for it. I
wanted to kill you and myself too.’

Eman could only gaze at her. The blood from the wound to his temple
was dribbling down soaking into his shirt but he was oblivious to the
injury, and quietly enquired, ‘Are you done? Or do you have more to
say? Do you have any more accusations to hurl at me? Today I want to
hear all the resentment you have been harboring in your heart. So much
hatred! So much venom! So much distrust!’

Umeed by now was spent and her breathing was ragged as Eman
continued, ‘Umeed, you never should have married me because you
didn’t trust me then and you have no confidence in me now.’

  112  
‘You’re right! I should never have married a man as vile and evil as you!’
Umeed replied venomously.

Eman’s face flushed with anger but he managed to retain control while
Umeed continued, ‘You don’t know how much I have regretted this
marriage over the last one month that I have had a chance to think about
the whole affair! You have destroyed my life, all my hopes and dreams
have gone down the drain and I feel as though I have been shoved down
the sewer…’

‘Are you talking about me or Jehanzeb?’ Eman retorted. Umeed was

struck dumb by his question, and Eman stood there glaring at her, his
gaze penetrating into her very soul.

‘How dare you talk of Jehanzeb!’ she growled.

‘I dare, and why not? I have given a patient hearing to your version of
what you imagine happened, Now it’s my turn and you will listen
whether you like it or not! I am not the one who ruined your life. The
person who ruined your life is Jehanzeb; your life fell apart the day he
walked out on you.’

‘Stop it, don’t talk about Jehanzeb!’ Umeed screamed.

‘Why not? It hurts doesn’t it to hear the truth? Or is the pain of

remembrance too much to bear? What deceit are you talking about? Am I
the one who deceived you? What sin and unpardonable crime are you
laying at my doorstep? You are the woman I loved and married and the
child you are carrying is yours and mine and I cannot run away
abandoning my wife and child. I wouldn’t do this to a girlfriend who was
carrying my child, why would I do this to you? I am not unscrupulous. I
admit, there are things I didn’t tell you the whole truth about, some of it
due to expediency and some due to the fact that I didn’t want you to be
unduly concerned and worried. But now that you want the truth, listen
and I will tell you the whole sequence of events.’

*********************

Now Eman began to recount and elaborate, ‘Yes, I did go to America;

first to Germany then to the USA. I applied for a visa stating religious

  113  
reasons. Participating in a funeral is a religious rite; I went to the USA to
pay my respects and participate in the funeral rites of a family friend. My
parents did not sell their house and disappear, I got them a new place and
they sold the one they lived in before. I told you I was traveling for work
purposes whereas I had resigned from my position, yes I did resign I had
some differences. The company I work for is of Jewish origin and I held
a very important senior post in it. Conversion to Islam and changing my
name would have been a great shock for them therefore I had not
revealed the truth to them. Nevertheless, shortly before I left rumors
about my conversion began to circulate and reached the upper echelons
of the company. I could have continued with the ruse but things had
changed,’ Umeed sat listening quietly as Eman continued with the
explanation, ‘I wanted my child to enter this world knowing his
background; I do not want the child to become a victim of an identity
crisis. I have adopted the Muslim faith; therefore I should be recognized
and accepted as a Muslim. I did not want you and our child to face any
awkwardness in the future, and was trying to get things in order on a
priority basis. Therefore, my first step was to resign from the company
where I might end up having to play a double role n life which I did not
want to do.’

‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. In a few weeks you
will see my new identity documents bearing my name Eman Ali and
stating my religious affiliation as Muslim, because I have already applied
for the change. The reason I carried all my documents with me was
because I needed to apply for jobs and had to have my documents with
me for the interviews. The fact is that I had applied for positions here
with some multinationals but the job interviews were scheduled at the
head offices. That was the main reason I went both to Germany and the
Unitized States. I had to close my bank account because this account was
linked to the company. The money from the account I transferred to
Germany and got my parents a relatively better house than the one they
were living in; they did not disappear. True, I informed the owner that I
would be giving up the house and the car will be returned to the
company, but so what? I hadn’t left you homeless when I went.’

Eman’s tone was tinged with bitterness as he went on, ‘Were you
rendered homeless? Did anyone evict you from the house? I’ve returned
before the house has to be given up. The fact that I didn’t share all this
information with you is of no consequence. The next home we move to

  114  
will be of equally nice if not better so there is no need to worry. And the
girlfriend? Who is this girlfriend you are talking about? Are you talking
about Samantha?’ He smiled bitterly, ‘Yes, we did travel to Germany
together, but I didn’t take her along with me; it’s just a coincidence that
we both happened to be traveling at the same time.’

Umeed felt herself slowly turn cold as she listened to Eman. He was not
done yet, he still had to clear up some misconceptions.

‘That I did not stay in touch with you was not deliberate. I was involved
in an accident in America… a mugging. I was walking along a street and
I was mugged by two men. They took away my wallet and hit me with
something on the back of my head. What happened after that, I don’t
know. I regained consciousness a few days later in the hospital and until
then they were unable to identify me or find out anything about me
because I had no identification. I was a nameless mugging victim brought
in to the emergency room. When I regained consciousness I couldn’t
remember many things; my memory was fine in many respects, but I
couldn’t remember simple things about myself. When I called you a few
days later when I had recovered you had left. Since I had lost my wallet
and cell phone in the mugging and I could not recall the Rawalpindi
number I couldn’t call you there either. I thought you must have felt I
was too busy to call and therefore I wasn’t worried.

‘Oh yes, as for my acquaintance in Karachi you mentioned, the one I call
Uncle. I lied to him. Umeed, I love my parents and I didn’t want to
distress them with news of my conversion. I knew that when news of my
conversion breaks, they will have to face a lot of flak from family and
friends; they will face embarrassment and disrespect from everyone they
know. They would be socially boycotted. They don’t live with me
because they like being where we have our origin, surrounded by family
and friends. If they were to tell everyone that I have converted, they
would be ostracized. Therefore I lied, and not just to Uncle, but to
everyone. However, I don’t want to live a lie; I have to think about you,
the children we will have together and our lives.’

He stopped here, as though tired; Umeed looked at him in disbelief and

waited for him to continue. ‘I finally told them the truth. I first bought
them the house, and then told them; the rest of the week I spent with
them was the worst time in my whole life. They tried to persuade me,

  115  
then they tried to scare me, and threatened me and finally…they cut off
all contact and relations with me. I have never seen my parents so strong
about religion. They don’t ever want to see me again; I have finally burnt
my boats and that wasn’t easy. But this time if you call Uncle in Karachi
and ask about me, he will abuse me to high heaven.

‘When I decided to convert, I thought it would be easy; but it hasn’t been

smooth sailing, especially not for a person like me who values
relationships. When I told my parents the facts, their attitude made me
think about all that I have lost. But then I realized that in faith there is no
bargaining; you cannot dwell on what you’ve lost; after all I didn’t decide
to change my faith as a bargaining tool. Now that I have decided to
follow a course of action I feel comfortable with and which I feel is right,
I cannot keep dwelling on all that I have lost; I have to move ahead
towards a more meaningful life and future. No one can ride in two boats
at the same time. I chose what chose, now I have to ride in it for better or
for worse. Now you have to choose.’

Umeed felt she had fallen into a deep ravine from which there was no
climbing out. She listened intently as Eman continued baring his soul. ‘In
Germany I thought of you and our soon to be born child. I realized I
wasn’t alone; I had a family. I had been made to give up my filial
relations, but I had managed to forge new ties; I am a family man. I
thought of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and how some members of his
family abandoned him, but he was right and came out the winner.’

His reference to the Prophet embarrassed Umeed no end; she had accused
him of being a fraud and a pretender, but he wasn’t.

Eman continued, ‘Religion entered my life suddenly. Before I formally

adopted faith, I thought life was complete the way it was; I didn’t feel
there was anything missing in my life. But now that faith and religion is
such an important part of me, I realize what I was missing out on. The
last two years of my life have been the most meaningful years of my life,
but today….listening to your accusations, I wonder, did I do the right
thing? I’m also wondering what other trials and tribulations I’m going to
have to face in time to come. All religions have a period of trials and
tribulations, but Islamic trials and tribulations try a person to the
maximum; the difficulties a Muslim faces either strengthen his faith or
destroy him completely. The difficulties I have faced in the last many

  116  
weeks have forced me to make decisions I have resented; it will take a
while for me to become strong in my faith but I am proud of the fact that
I’m holding on and haven’t given up.’

*********************

Eman smiled an enigmatic smile; a smile Umeed didn’t understand. He

turned to look at her and then continued with his musings, ‘At a time
when I was completely content with the course my career was taking—in
a short while I would have been promoted to a senior position, probably
as Regional Head of the company—I came to a fork in the road and I had
to choose one direction. I made a decision and I resigned from a position
that would have led to a successful career. The strange thing is that I have
no regrets despite the fact that I have to start on my career path afresh. I
had never imagined that my parents would not be there for me, I always
felt very close to them and displeasing them never entered my mind. But
then I had to choose between my faith and them and I chose faith. And
now I am faced with another tribulation—you and your doubts—serious
doubt regarding my sincerity. Daniel Edgar is the shadow of my former
self and it will always hover around me in my life. A person can change
his present and his future but no one can change the past. Facts will
remain facts, whether you like them or not; I am the son of a Jewish
father and a Christian mother but I can’t change that and I can’t help it.
Does that mean you will always have doubts about me? Will you always
find excuses to hurl abuse and accusations at me? You knew all the facts
before we married; you knew I was a Jew; why didn’t you worry about
character traits then?’

Umeed had no answer to Eman’s questions; she was speechless. Eman

continued, ‘I was unreachable for a few weeks and during my absence
you logged up so much evidence against me! You decided to judge me in
absentia and pass sentence without allowing me to present my case?
Even criminals who are apprehended red-handed are allowed a chance to
defend themselves. But you didn’t even allow me that opportunity; you
decided on the death sentence, chose for yourself the role of executor and
planned my execution! Before deciding on the punishment you could
have asked for my version of the story, you should have had the guts to
talk to me. I knew from the very beginning that you don’t love me but
that doesn’t mean love cannot develop later.’

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Umeed lowered her head in shame and felt a few teardrops drip on to her
foot as Eman went on, ‘I thought that if I had patience, you would come
to love me later; I thought after I showered you with love, affection and
care, I would win you over; my devotion and sincerity and sacrifice
would create a place for me in your heart and you would surely begin to
care for me. But, sad to say, that’s not what happened. I was under the
illusion that Jehanzeb was a closed chapter in your life; but I was
mistaken; I hadn’t expected him to be a ghostly intruder in our lives and
this only happened because you have held on to a romantic illusion of
him all this time...’

Umeed was overcome with emotion, her hands shook and she balled
them into tight fists, fists so tight that her nails bit into her flesh. She
could sense the underlying resentment and blame in Eman’s tone of voice
and in his words. He continued to explain some facts of life to her; ‘A
person approaches you with a fistful of sand and flings the sand into your
face blinding you; but that doesn’t mean that everyone who approaches
you is ready to do a similar thing. May be the next person has something
better in his hand that he plans to offer you, but if you close your eyes
and childishly believe that everyone is just out to fling a fistful of sand at
you; Well, that’s your perspective; but I at least I have no intention of
flinging sand at you.’ He held out his hands, palms open towards her as
though showing her that he did not have any sand to throw at her.
‘Umeed, I never believed in love; probably that’s why when I did fall in
love, the feeling was so intense. My falling in love brought me faith and
belief. On the other hand, you always believed in love and you fell in
love, but your falling in love gave you no faith and no confidence.’

Eman looked at her as she sat there stiff and still. But he had more to say,
‘The type of love we felt was of the purest kind; both you and I. The
intensity of our love was also strong; both for you and me. The difference
lay in the people we loved. The person you loved was a fake; you were
not, you were sincere in your love. Jehanzeb was the one whose love
lacked sincerity and depth. Fire will help soften gold and make it pliable
but it will heat water and turn it into steam; steam that rises and
dissipated and disappears’

Umeed grew apprehensive that she had lost out, but Eman offered her
another chance, ‘Umeed, our relationship seems to have strayed off
course, but the pieces are still there. We have to decide whether we want

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to collect them and put them back together, or do we want to trash them.
But if you think you can address me as Daniel Edgar in a voice dripping
venom, that can’t happen; I will not tolerate it. I have traveled a long
distance to change from Daniel Edgar to Eman Ali; I have faced many
trials along the way and dispensed with what I cared for to arrive at what
I feel is true belief and faith. But if my significant other cannot appreciate
what I have gone through and continues to have doubts about my
sincerity, then I cannot spend my life with such a person.’

There was finality in his voice as he made his assertion.

‘It will hurt me to leave you; even more than it did when I left my parents
but I do not want to be held up against an imaginary yardstick. I cannot
spend the rest of my life explaining and convincing anyone about my
sincerity nor do I want to. I haven’t converted to gain acclaim from
anyone, I did it because my heart and my mind convinced me I was doing
the right thing; I did it for Allah, and he is the only one capable of
judging my intentions and my sincerity. No one else has that right, not
even you;’ he said as he pointed his finger at her as though emphasizing a
point.

‘If you don’t trust me or if you still have doubts about the sincerity of my
conversion, then it is best that you leave me.’ He sounded defeated but he
continued, ‘If you feel you can’t be happy with me, then you have the
right to leave me. However, you need to understand and accept that I did
not have any intention of abandoning you nor did I try to do so, neither
will I ever desert you. I accept you and the child we are expecting as my
own to cherish. You can keep the child for as long as you want, I take the
responsibility for supporting both of you and you will never have to
worry about his well being. If you decide to remarry and can’t keep the
child, I will be happy to have him. For the time being I plan to remain in
Pakistan, and as long as I’m here, I will retain contact with you and the
baby. If I happen to go away, I will continue to be financially responsible
for both of you; all I ask in return is that you let me have contact with my
child and occasional visits.’

He seemed to suddenly realize that he was bleeding. He reached up and

touched his temple and then drew his hand down and looked at his
bloodied fingers. He looked at Umeed as though about to say something
and changed his mind. Instead he got up and walked towards the desk in

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the study and opened the drawers. He withdrew something and tossed
them at Umeed. Umeed realized that he had just thrown the bullets of the
gun towards her and she bit down on her lip aghast.

‘Had I known that you had hidden the gun here to kill me, I probably
would never have removed the bullets because death is definitely more
welcome than the doubts and suspicions you have voiced.’

Eman looked towards Umeed as he expressed his regret. Umeed felt

really ashamed of herself, she hoped the ground would open up and
swallow her.

Eman couldn’t stop himself and continued, ‘I love you so much Umeed,
you didn’t have to indulge in this unnecessary planning and conspiring—
sending off the guard on the pretext that he had an emergency at home,
hiding the gun, dismissing the domestic. He laughed sardonically, ‘If you
really wanted to kill me, you could have done it any time you wanted; I
wouldn’t have stopped you, neither would I have hurt you. You can do so
right now if you want to.’

He stood facing her for a while, as though inviting her to complete her
action, but she couldn’t move. Eman moved tiredly towards the study
door and Umeed heard the door open but instead of exiting, he waited in
the doorway and said, ‘Umeed, if you have any regrets about what you
did, stop repenting. I forgive you for anything and everything; I have no
grudge against you.’ Umeed heard the study door shut.

Eman left the study, went into the kitchen, got himself a bottle of cold
water out of the fridge and sat down at the dining table. He poured some
water into a glass and took a few sips of water. He began to feel the
discomfort of his injury but he didn’t have the strength to wipe away the
blood and clean the wound and bandage it. He just rested his elbows on
the table and rested his forehead against the intertwined fist of his hands
and stared at the glass of water on the table. The events that had taken
place seemed like a bad dream, only the thing was, he knew it wasn’t a
dream. He felt he had reached the end of the world and didn’t know what
lay ahead of him.

‘Can I live alone, single, the way I was before I married Umeed?’ he felt
tears starting up in his eyes, but bit down on his lips to control them. He

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felt suddenly tired and settled back into the chair resting against the chair
back and closed his eyes. The light from the overhead light seemed to be
focused only on him. The rest of the room seemed muted and blurred; the
light was only on Eman and his expressions of exhaustion…
disappointment... sadness… disbelief… anxiety… disheartened …and
hope … what did he have? What did he lose?

  121  
 Chapter 7

‘So, what have you decided?’ Sybil asked Patrick over dinner.

‘What’s there to decide?’ Patrick replied, ‘I agree with you. Danny has to
make the decision.’ Patrick seemed quite at ease with his answer.

Sybil smiled, ‘When Danny grows up, he’ll study both religions…yours
and mine…then he can adopt whichever one appeals to him. At least he
won’t feel pressured nor will he feel disloyal to either of us.’

‘You’re right. I think that’s the best choice,’ Patrick said satisfied that the
discussion had ended amicably.

‘To tell you the truth, I was rather hesitant and expected you to object
because you are a more religious person than I am,’ Sybil confided.

‘Well, not really….I’m not as religious as you seem to think I am.

Religion demands too much time and I don’t have the time to be
religious,’ Patrick replied.

‘May be what you say is true, but at least you make it a point to go to
worship every week, which is more than I do,’ Sybil said.

‘Yes, I do, but for me, it’s a ritual more than an act of worship. My
parents got me used to going for worship once a week and it doesn’t
bother me. It’s like doing other routine things, so what’s one more,’
Patrick explained as they continued eating.

‘Life is so busy that it’s really hard to set aside some time for prayer and
worship. I’m quite amazed that you have the ability to cope with it. Look
at me, leave alone every week, for me making it to church once a month
is also an ordeal!’ Sybil shrugged her shoulders.

‘Like I said, with me it’s a habit that’s all,’ Patrick replied as he finished
his meal.

Patrick Edgar belonged to an established Jewish family of Germany. He

came from a family that adhered strongly to their faith and his parents
were staunchly Jewish. They had tried to instill the same religious values

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in their children. Patrick grew up in Germany during the time the Jews
were persecuted and exiled in the hundreds of thousands.

Patrick’s family migrated to the United States during those trying time,
but when Germany was divided, Jews slowly began to trickle back into
Germany. Patrick’s family also returned to Germany like the hundreds
that returned to the homeland. Patrick, however, decided to stay back in
the United States, and though his parents objected, he was adamant. In
America, Patrick had to fend for himself. His parents had returned to
Germany to resettle and couldn’t be of any financial assistance to him.
Patrick financed his own education and emerged with a degree in
mechanical engineering. He then managed to land a job with an
American engineering company of high repute. He was progressing well
and traveled to Germany to visit his parents. That’s where he met Sybil.

Sybil was of Turkish Christian descent. Her parents had migrated to

Germany in search of better prospects from their native Turkey. Patrick
and Sybil took to each other at once, and romance began to bloom and
they started talking marriage. Both families were staunchly religious and
opposed the match. Nevertheless, the couple was adamant and went
ahead and married despite the opposition. The couple then returned to
America to start their life together.

*********************

In America Sybil managed to find herself a good job as a translator and

interpreter. For a time the two families remained obstinately opposed to
the marriage, but as time went by, the families became reconciled to the
fact and contact between them and the couple was reestablished.

Patrick and Sybil came from similar backgrounds; both came from very
religious families. Both families had a set of moral and ethical principles
that were firmly established. Neither family was socially frivolous; as a
result they had a small circle of friends and acquaintances rather than a
large one. Both families were rather old-fashioned and traditional in their
outlook. Sybil grew up initially in Turkey and still harbored Turkish
traditions.

Sybil, taking her cue from her background, dressed conservatively and
modestly, she didn’t like to wear clothes that didn’t cover her well.

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Patrick too was rather traditional in his approach towards life. He was
quite satisfied with Sybil’s conservative appearance and her modest dress
habits. Both were only social drinkers and did not imbibe overmuch. At
home, alcohol was neither served nor consumed. Their social circle was
limited to like-minded families who shared similar ideas and values and
both had some religious habits that they followed faithfully.

Had they continued to live in America, things might have turned out
different. But about eighteen months after their marriage, Patrick was
selected to go to Jordan on deputation to head a large project there, and
he spent three years there. After the project was completed, he was
assigned another one in Morocco where he spent two years supervising
the project. After that, he was transferred from project to project in the
Middle East and Asia, mainly to Muslim countries. They did not spend
much time in the West, and that is probably why they were able to cling
to their old-fashioned ways—in fact, they became even more
conservative than they were in order to adjust to their host country
environments.

Sybil turned to teaching in the schools run by their embassy in the

different countries they moved to. She was extremely kind and caring. As
a couple, they were happy together. Each one made concessions for the
other’s religious sentiments and as a rule they did not argue or discuss
religion as a topic. However, due to the constant moving, and the fact that
places of worship were limited where they were posted, they did not have
much of a chance to observe their own rituals; as a result, after a time,
rituals stopped being a priority with them.

*********************

Daniel was born in Morocco during Patrick’s posting there. For the first
time Patrick and Sybil seemed to be suffering some anxiety about
Daniel’s religious instruction and upbringing. It was obvious that both
were keen for Daniel to adopt their respective faiths, but for some reason,
neither wanted to broach the subject, and Daniel began life without being
inclined or tutored either way.

When Daniel was two years old, Patrick and Sybil traveled to Germany
to visit the parents and to give Daniel a chance to meet both sets of
grandparents. That is when the matter of Daniel’s religion was brought

  124  
up for the first time. Patrick’s parents learned that Patrick and Sybil had
not made a decision about Daniel’s religious instruction and were
enraged.

‘He’s your son, he should be brought up in the Jewish faith, there are no
two ways about it.’ This was decreed by Patrick’s father.

‘You’re right, Dad; but you know that Sybil is Catholic and if I try to
impose my will regarding Daniel’s faith, it will be unfair, and she may
object.’ Patrick tried to reason.

‘This is why I never wanted you to marry Sybil; I expected this issue
would come up.’ Patrick’s father was becoming rather heated now. ‘In
any case, the father’s faith is the one that the children adopt, so Sybil
really has no say in the matter.’

‘Not necessarily; the child should, and normally does, adopt the faith that
appeals to him,’ Patrick argued. Even though Patrick’s tone was
conciliatory and pacifying, his father was not to be humored.

‘Don’t try to teach me commonsense and logic. Your wife has succeeded
in weakening your faith and pushing you into a quandary. You obviously
know that you can’t bring him up to be a Catholic; he’s of the Jewish
faith.’

‘To tell you the truth, Dad, we haven’t made a decision yet regarding
Daniel’s faith.’

‘There is nothing to decide. Jews are born Jews of Jewish fathers. Your
son was born a Jew and will always be Jewish,’ Edgar spoke decisively.

Patrick realized the futility of arguing with his father and discontinued
the argument. But the moment they got back from Germany, Sybil
broached the subject. ‘We mustn’t impose either religion on Daniel. He
should adopt the faith he is more inclined towards. It’s possible that we
may impose one of the two faiths on him now, but when he grows up, he
may become more attracted to the other faith. The best would be for us to
instruct him in both faiths. We should both take him with us when we go
to our prayers and devotions but we mustn’t force either faith on him,’
Sybil suggested.

  125  
‘But Sybil, you do realize that my parents are totally opposed to this idea.
They insist that the child always adopts the father’s faith and therefore
they say Daniel should be brought up in the Jewish faith.”

Sybil smiled and said, ‘My family has similar objections because they
believe that the child takes the mother’s faith simply because he spends
so much time with her it is only natural. But I stood firm and informed
my family that Daniel would choose his own faith in due time. That way
his decision will not cause any strain in our relationship. But if we
succumb to family pressure, we will end up bickering amongst ourselves
and our relationship will be at stake.’

Patrick became pensive. He admitted that he wasn’t religious enough to

let bickering about Daniel’s religious training come between him and
Sybil, it was not a sacrifice he felt worth making. For the two of them
religion was secondary, it was not important enough to deliberately make
it a bone of contention. Therefore, the next time Syil brought up the
matter, he readily agreed to let Daniel make the choice when he felt so
inclined to do so.

Thus, Daniel grew up in this situation where both parents instructed him
about their own faith and religious beliefs. Both parents took him to their
respective places of worship too. Daniel seemed to be equally interested
in the rituals and religious teachings of both religions. He enjoyed going
to the church as well as the synagogue and regarded both occasions as
outings.

To begin with, Patrick was very particular about going to weekly

worship. However, circumstances were such that he worked in countries
where Jews were in such small minorities that often there was no place of
worship for them. As a result of this, Patrick’s weekly worship sessions
began to decline. On the other hand, Sybil was more fortunate, because
wherever they were posted, Sybil always had a Church to go to. As a
matter of fact her attendance at Church increased. She taught at the
school set up by the Embassy, but otherwise, the countries they lived in
did not allow for women to have active social lives, especially foreign
white women. Therefore she spent a lot of time at home with Daniel, and
had more opportunity to go to church. Daniel now began to be

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predisposed to a greater extent to the Christian doctrine than to the
Jewish doctrine.

Daniel became greatly influenced by his mother and picked up a lot of

her ways; some consciously and some subconsciously. Though Sybil was
brought up in the West, she was by nature conservative. The fact that she
and Patrick spent so much time living in the Middle East only served to
make her more conservative in her ways. This in turn had an impact on
Daniel, and he too came to be more influenced by the West than the East.
He grew up in an environment where western liberties were unheard of.
In school, his classmates were mainly Muslims and therefore he had little
exposure to western influences. His free time was spent at home mainly
with his mother. Social outings and events were limited because they
were foreigners in lands, where westerners were not encouraged to
fraternize with the local population, and their homes were also in
compounds reserved for foreigners. As a result of having such a small
community, and due to the fact that they moved around so much, Daniel
himself did not have the opportunity to be influenced by peer pressure
and those tendencies that are so much a part of adolescent life in non-
segregated schools.

*********************

Daniel was fifteen when the family moved back to the United States. He
found life in America to be very different from how he had lived so far
and found it very difficult to adjust to the new lifestyle. He did not
appreciate the independence and liberation of the American life style. He
found that the society did not live up to his ideals and he was therefore a
misfit. One such problem arose due to his reserved nature. Both his
parents were rather reserved and so was he, having spent so much time in
a society that appreciated the reserved rather than the gregarious. He
found it rather odd that here, in America, he stood out as the odd man due
to the fact that he was a person of few words and did not make friends
easily.

‘Dad, I want to go back to India,’ Daniel confided to his father; India had
been Patrick’s last posting. There, Daniel had been sent to boarding
school in Darjeeling.

  127  
Patrick was a little surprised and said. ‘Why do you want to go back to
India, Daniel?’

‘I can’t stay here. It’s all very strange. My classmates use drugs and….’
He broke off without completing what he had started to say. ‘I just don’t
like the way people are here in America. I can’t fit in with my
classmates.’

Patrick could see that Daniel was indeed disturbed and disappointed.
‘Daniel, I understand the atmosphere is different from what you have
experienced in the past .But you will need to be more accommodating,
because you will only be able to acquire higher professional education
here in America.’

‘But Dad, I hate the school!.’ Daniel was vehement.

‘That’s ok, Daniel, you can change schools. ‘

‘But I don’t like the life here Dad! I can’t seem to adjust and I feel I’m an
alien in an alien land. My classmates make fun of me and they are
thoroughly obnoxious all the time!’

‘Son, you just have to learn to ignore them. In time they will come to
accept you. Every place has a culture of its own, and this is the way life is
in America,’ Sybil said, joining in the conversation.

‘But Mom, I don’t like the way they behave and the things they do!’

‘I too feel like an alien, but nevertheless, that’s the way it is,’ Sybil
answered.

‘Send me back to India. I’ll complete my A-levels there and then come
back to University here.’

‘Daniel, you know the quality of education in India, and for that matter,
in any of the Asian countries is not what you have here. You must
concentrate on completing High School here; the next few years will help
you become oriented to life here, then when you go to University you
will be better adjusted,’ Sybil tried to placate Daniel. ‘As far as work is
concerned, you have better opportunities here as compared to Asia. Now,

  128  
as far as your classmates are concerned, you can limit your social
interaction with them, and if they make fun of you, let them; it is sad, but
those who lack moral values always laugh at others, just to make
themselves feel better about their own shortcomings. You don’t need to
compete with them, let them continue with their fun and games, you do
what you do, what appeals to you; be your own person; that’s what
values are all about. Knowing right from wrong and doing the right
thing.’

Daniel listened as Sybil patiently elucidated a different point of view; her

explanation had a profound impact on him and gradually he schooled
himself in adjusting to the new environment that he was thrust in. He had
always been a good student, securing high grades, and gradually he
began to excel at his studies. Teachers and students both came to admire
him and his very differences that earlier made him an oddity, were now
accepted as being attractive in their diversity. Having a British
background in education, he was used to a rigorous program of study. His
British accent and his proper use of English were qualities that made him
outshine others. The fact that he was fluent in written and spoken
German was an asset, and his spoken fluency in Arabic and Urdu, put
him way above the other students who were monolingual.

The fact that he was multilingual came to light one day in the language
class, when he displayed proficiency in German. The teacher asked, ‘Oh,
so Daniel you are bilingual, are you?’

Daniel replied, ‘Well actually I can use four languages quite easily. But
Urdu and Arabic I can’t write.’ Though he spoke softly, the whole class
suddenly went silent and turned their attention to him in awe and
admiration.

‘Four languages? Amazing, but how four? How did you do that?
Especially Arabic and Urdu?’ the teacher enquired.

‘Well, my father worked in Asia and the Middle East for many years; in
fact I was born in Morocco while he was on assignment there. I picked
up Arabic in the Middle East and Urdu when we lived in India for two
years. It is easy to pick up a language when you live where it’s spoken,
so I learned both languages and can communicate with ease in both.’

  129  
‘But India would mean Hindi not Urdu, right?’ the teacher asked for
explanation.

‘Well, they are close enough,’ Daniel shrugged.

‘You seem to have had a lot of diverse cultural exposure, Daniel,’ the
teacher noted. Daniel smiled modestly. Later in the school cafeteria, he
became the focus of discussion. The young girls as it is admired his
physical attributes. The complexion coupled with brown eyes and black
hair made him attractively different from the rest. His taciturn nature, his
academic achievement and his diverse skills, now made him seem
charming and pleasing to the girls. The boys had a degree of resentment,
because he seemed to have become so popular with the girls, due to his
eastern mannerisms.

Daniel, on the other hand, learned to live on the periphery. He took his
mother’s advice to heart, and remained aloof from his school mates. He
attended school, excelled in his classes, participated in sports, and kept to
himself most of the time. He didn’t attend school parties and learned to
deflect attention from the girls, thus making him even more sought after.
However, he got the chance to sing with the school band and that he
enjoyed very much.

One of his teachers asked him about his religious affiliations, and he said,
‘I have no religion.’ This candidly spoken statement sounded like a joke
and teacher and students roared with laughter. However, they quickly
realized that he wasn’t joking and the teacher asked him, ‘What about
your father? What’s his faith?’

‘He’s Jewish.’

‘So then, you’re Jewish too.’

‘No, I’m not, because my mother is Catholic.’

‘So, have you adopted your mother’s faith?’

‘The truth is, I haven’t adopted either faith yet. I will decide for myself
when I’m ready to do so.’ Daniel stated candidly.

  130  
This again was a new discovery about Daniel, and the school was abuzz
with speculation and discussion—he’s not Catholic, he’s not Jewish but
accepts both faiths and goes to church as well as to the temple; he’s been
given the privilege of deciding his own faith—these were all concepts his
generation was not aware of and here was one of their kind actually
living these radical ideas.

*********************

All the data about Daniel boiled down to the fact that he led a very
simple life. He neither smoked nor drank; he had no girlfriends; He
shunned movies and never got into arguments or fights. He brought his
lunch from home rather than eating in the cafeteria; he was driven to
school by his mother rather than taking the bus; and after school he didn’t
hang around wasting time, he headed straight to the gate where his
mother picked him up and took him home.

Caroline had all this data about Daniel summarized and on her fingertips.
Caroline was in the same class as Daniel. Like the other girls, she too was
unusually interested in Daniel; he was so different from the others around
him. Though Caroline was interested in getting to know Daniel, his
aloofness held her back. But the opportunity to break through the reserve
came unexpectedly, and Caroline grabbed at the chance.

The class was going on a field trip and both Daniel and Caroline arrived a
little late. By the time Caroline got to the bus, the only vacant seat was
the one next to Daniel. She was elated. She approached the vacant seat
and Daniel picked up his bag that he had put down on it. Caroline
thanked him and took the seat. When the vehicle began its journey,
Daniel seemed to be too engrossed in the passing scenery. Caroline, on
the other hand, was racking her brains trying to think of a way to get his
attention.

*********************

The students on the bus were laughing joking singing and generally
having fun. Daniel on the other hand, stayed out of it all he glanced at the
others and smiled from time to time, but otherwise, he did not participate
in the revelry. Caroline, his seatmate was completely engrossed in
thinking of ways to break the silence. She was very strongly aware of

  131  
Daniel’s presence and wanted to strike up a conversation. She probably
remembered the old adage, ‘The way to a mans heart is through his
stomach’ and took out a candy bar from her bag.

‘Would you like some?’ she said as she offered the bar to Daniel.

‘No, thanks,’ Daniel declined politely.

Caroline persisted, ‘Why not have a bit? Don’t you like chocolate?’

‘Well, I do but not that much.’

Caroline now had her cue and continued, ‘I love chocolates!’ Daniel
smiled and turned his attention to the passing scenery. Caroline bit into
the chocolate and said, ‘You aren’t very talkative. Is it because you prefer
to be silent?’

‘Not really; it’s just the way I am. It’s my personality. I don’t talk much.’

‘And you’re not seeing anyone either?’ Caroline continued.

This time Daniel only smiled but Caroline was adamant, ‘Is it because
you don’t like girls?’

Daniel blushed in embarrassment and Caroline found this very endearing

and said, ‘Can we be friends?’ Daniel was taken aback by the offer of
friendship.

Caroline pressed on, ‘I can be a good friend,’ She assured him in all
earnestness.

Daniel was very naïve and didn’t know what to answer. This was the fist
time he had been offered friendship by a female. He hesitated and
Caroline repeated, ‘Can we be friends?’

‘Yes, yes sure; why not?’ Daniel finally accepted the offer. Caroline
smiled and stretched out her hand and they shook hands sealing the
friendship. The ice was broken and the two new friends slipped into a
comfortable conversation, with Caroline doing most of the talking and
asking all the right questions to draw Daniel out.

  132  
They talked about likes and dislikes, about family and school, about their
career plans and so much else. Caroline also told Daniel about the stir he
had created and what an enigma he seemed to be. This was Daniel’s first
real encounter and detailed conversation with a female classmate in high
school, and it was a very new experience for him.

Throughout the field trip the two were engrossed in talking and
conversing. Daniel found Caroline very interesting, and she had a
wonderful way of telling anecdotes that he enjoyed listening to. Their
friendship was not a secret and the other students noticed it too and were
quite surprised to see Daniel and Caroline interacting so animatedly. By
the end of the field trip, they had exchanged phone numbers and
addresses and the friendship seemed to be well established.

This kind of friendship was a new experience for Daniel and he seemed
to enjoy talking to Caroline and finally having a female friend. The next
day in school, instead of heading straight for the classroom, he waited
outside for Caroline, they chatted before they both went to class. A new
chapter in Daniels life had just begun.

*********************

That evening, Sybil was in the kitchen preparing dinner, when the phone
rang. She answered it and was surprised to hear Caroline introduce
herself as Daniel’s friend and ask to speak with him. She went to
Daniel’s room, knocked on the door and entered. He was sitting at his
desk working. She informed him that he had a call, and he too was rather
surprised; no one ever called him.

‘Call for me?’ said Daniel.

‘Yes, she said she’s your friend; her name is Caroline.’

Daniel blushed and looked away and said, ‘I’m coming.’

Sybil returned to the kitchen and Daniel talked to Caroline from the
living room; and after a few minutes he hung up and returned to his
room. Sybil was curious but didn’t ask any questions that evening.

  133  
However, the next morning she couldn’t contain herself and commented,
‘So, Daniel; have you finally made any friends?’

‘Not friends; just one friend,’ Daniel replied.

‘Caroline?’ Sybil questioned. Daniel smiled in acknowledgement. ‘What

kind of person is she?’ Sybil asked.

‘She’s nice,’ Daniel replied

‘What’s her family like?’

‘Well, her father’s a lawyer and her mother is a social worker. She has a
younger brother in the same school.’

“How did you get to know her?”

Daniel told her all about the bus ride and the field trip. Sybil listened
while Daniel explained the meeting.

‘I’d like to meet her,’ Sybil said as she dropped Daniel off at school.

‘Really?’ Daniel seemed excited; ‘Can I invite her over?’

‘Sure, let her come to tea with us.’ Sybil encouraged him.

Daniel extended the invitation to Caroline, and she accepted without

making any kind of fuss. The next evening Caroline arrived wearing a
skimpy dress and Daniel was embarrassed. As she entered, she reached
up and hugged him and planted a kiss on his cheek. Now Daniel was
utterly flabbergasted and regretted the invitation he had extended. Sybil
didn’t like Caroline at first sight, but politely concealed her displeasure.
She wondered what Daniel saw in her. Over tea, Sybil kept the
conversation going, drawing Caroline out, while Daniel maintained a
shocked silence. Finally Caroline left; it had seemed forever. Daniel saw
her off at the door and returned embarrassed. Sybil was clearing away the
tea things and Daniel switched on the TV and sat down in front of it.
After putting away the remains of the tea, Sybil too came into the living
room and sat down.

  134  
‘What did you see in her Daniel?’

‘She’s friendly. But I didn’t realize she was so bold,’ Daniel replied.

The next day at school, Daniel lapsed back into his former reserved self.
Caroline was surprised at his attitude and asked the reason but he
remained adamantly silent. In fact, he was this way for the next few days,
but slowly Caroline managed to chip away at his reserve and the
friendship was restored to its former state of friendliness.

*********************

One day Caroline invited him out for the evening to a local night spot. He
tried to wriggle out of it but finally succumbed and said, ‘I’ll have to get
permission from Mom.’

‘That’s ok. You talk to your mom. I’ll wait for you in the evening,’
Caroline replied.

When Sybil came to get him from school he told her about the invitation.
Sybil stared at him surprised and asked, ‘Are you asking for permission
to go on a date?’ Sybil asked as she drove off from the school. She
stopped at the nearby park and addressed Daniel, ‘We need to sort out a
few things today and this is a better place to do so,” she said indicating
the park. They went into a nearby fast food outlet and ordered burgers,
and talked while they ate.

‘I realize you are growing up and it’s only natural for you to be attracted
to girls, to form friendships with them and even go out on dates. But
Danny, don’t you think you’re rather young to be going out on dates
now? You’re not even sixteen yet. It’s not right for you to become
involved emotionally and physically with girls from now. You
understand what I’m trying to say, don’t you?’

Daniel listened attentively as Sybil continued. ‘Today Caroline’s invited

you to a night spot; what next? Where is this going to lead to?’ Sybil said
as she sipped her coffee.

‘You have yet to embark on your journey to adulthood and life. You are
still taking your initial steps and these steps must be on even ground not

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on uneven stony paths. I don’t say that you can’t be friends with girls;
you just need to draw your own parameters and have control over your
relationships. Later in life, when you are an adult and have matured, you
can have all the relationships you want. But for now, it’s only right that
you keep to friendship.’

‘Danny, this is only the beginning,’ Sybil continued, ‘you will meet tens
of Carolines in your life, does that mean you will get involved with every
one of them? Do you remember this is the first thing you protested
about— the girls and their forwardness —when we initially returned to
the USA? Your charm and major attraction was the fact that you
remained aloof and did not succumb to peer-pressure and that is what
made you stand out in the crowd. But if you become like them, there will
be no individuality left. The fact that you are “different” is what makes
you doubly attractive to the girls— first that you are handsome, and
second that you are different. If you become like the others around you,
you will become “one of the crowd” and will become cast in the same
mold. Do you want that, or do you want to be “different”. Now, if you
still decide to hit the night spots with Caroline, it’s alright by me, the
decision is yours.’

Daniel looked at Sybil and said, ‘You don’t like my going out this way,
do you?’

‘That’s a fact. I think you’re too young to be hitting the hot spots at your
age.’

‘In that case I won’t go; not because I don’t want to or because it will
make me less attractive, or one of the crowd; it’s because I have always
acceded to your requests because I love you and hold you and your
opinions and advice in high esteem.’ Daniel gallantly surrendered to his
mother’s wishes. Sybil felt a rush of emotions and a welling of tears in
her eyes as she was overcome with pride in her son.

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That evening Daniel broke his date with Caroline and also informed her
that he was not up to dating and could only offer friendship. Caroline was
upset and slammed the phone down on him. Next morning in school
Caroline made no bones about the fact that she was upset and even
though Daniel apologized, she was really angry. He reiterated his offer of
friendship but made it very clear that he was not interested in any kind of
involvement nor in dating her or anyone.

‘But why?’ Caroline enquired.

‘I just don’t approve of, nor do I enjoy, this kind of stuff,” Daniel replied.
Caroline glared at him with eyes blazing and stomped away. Within a
few days Caroline had found herself a new boyfriend, and their growing
closeness and intimacy made Daniel depressed and he felt a little
heartbroken, and as a result he became even more taciturn and cautious.
Over the next few years he met other girls and even felt the stirrings of
affection for some of them, but the relationships ended fairly soon
because of his mind-set of non-involvement.

*********************

The year he joined Harvard, his parents again raised the issue of his
religion. They wanted him to make a decision about the faith he wished
to adopt. They encouraged him to make a decision because they felt it
was important for him to establish a religious identity for a holistic
personality development.

‘I agree with you Mom, but I’m still not sure. I’ve been so involved with
studies that it’s a long time since I went with either of you for worship.
Give me a little time to think it over.’

Sybil objected, ‘Why do you need more time? You’ve had enough
exposure and instruction in both faiths.’

‘Actually, I’m still not clear in my mind about a number of things and I
don’t want to make a decision I might regret later.’ Daniel explained
patiently. ‘I intend to concentrate on my studies and also ponder on my
choice of faiths and as soon as I have reached a decision I will inform
you.’

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Thus the matter was further postponed.

*********************

While Daniel was studying for his MBA at Harvard, he found that there
were a fair number of Asian and Muslim girls studying at the university.
Subconsciously he was drawn to them; probably because they
represented the culture he so yearned for, the culture of his childhood, the
culture he had imbibed as a youth.

At Harvard he also met Kathy, who started out as a good friend, and then
the friendship turned to romance. Kathy was pretty much near to the ideal
he had in mind as a life partner. One evening he and Kathy went to the
movies. Kathy waited while Daniel approached the booth to get tickets.
When he turned round after buying the tickets there was no sign of
Kathy. He looked around and spotted her a little distance away talking to
a man; they had their arms around each other. Daniel watched and waited
and then Kathy and her friend embraced each other and said goodbye.
Kathy returned to the spot, saw Daniel and smiled. But Daniel was
annoyed and asked her coldly, ‘Who was that?’

‘Oh, that was Richard; we were going out at one time.’ Kathy replied.

‘You never told me you had been seeing someone.’ Daniel was really
upset.

‘You never asked. Ok, let’s go.’ Kathy seemed totally unconcerned.

Daniel refused to budge and said, ‘No, we aren’t going to the movies. We
need to talk.’

‘What’s the matter, Daniel? What happened to you suddenly?’ Kathy was
flabbergasted.

‘Why didn’t you tell me about Richard?’ Daniel almost shouted as they
emerged from the building.

‘I didn’t think it mattered. And anyway, what difference does it make?

He’s not my boyfriend now.’

  138  
‘But he was your boyfriend!’ Daniel raised his voice.

‘There’s no need to shout Daniel. And as far as my past is concerned, it is

of no importance to you or to our relationship, just as your past and your
girlfriends are none of my business.’ Kathy’s reply was delivered coldly,
deliberately and assertively.

‘But I was never romantically involved with anyone,’ Daniel said.

Kathy was quite amused and said, ‘Don’t tell me you’ve been celibate all
this time; it’s hard to believe.’

Daniel was rather taken aback and said, ‘We aren’t talking about me; the
discussion is about you.’

Kathy was now really upset. ‘Whether I have had a boyfriend or many
boyfriends, that’s my personal life and you have no right to probe into
my affairs.’

Daniel flung the movie tickets at her face and shouted, ‘Then find
someone else to go to the movies with you!’ He turned to walk away.

But Kathy was in no mood to be intimidated. She grabbed his arm and
forced him to turn towards her, and snarled, ‘You are nothing but a petty
minded pervert!’

‘Shut up!’

‘Make me! You are always finding fault with me…you criticize the way I
talk, the way I dress, the way I do anything….I can’t seem to do anything
right by you,’ Kathy retaliated.

‘I do not plan to marry anyone who has had boyfriends and involvements
in the past,’ Daniel said.

‘Then what’re you hanging around for. Go; find yourself a purdah
observing illiterate who will be thrilled to be led around by the hand, who
will never allow anyone but you to look at her face nor will she have the
audacity to look at another man’s face.’

  139  
Daniel was fuming now and didn’t trust himself to speak; so he just
turned and stomped off towards the parking lot and his car, leaving Kathy
screaming and abusing at his back. For the next few days Daniel was
distraught because the break up with Kathy wasn’t easy and made him
very unhappy. He decided that western women were not for him and
henceforth kept them at arm’s length.

*********************

Daniel’s next romantic interlude happened during his final year of MBA.
This time he was attracted to an Indian girl, Wajeeta. She was studying
on a scholarship. Daniel met her for the first time at a university social
event, and soon the two began to take interest in each other. Daniel was
in search of a wife and had decided that the western woman was not for
him and he could only settle down with an eastern woman. In Wajeeta,
he identified certain qualities that appealed to him in a wife.

Within a short time of their introduction, Daniel took Wajeeta home to

meet his parents. Sybil too approved of Wajeeta. Sybil had understood
that Daniel was interested in the girl and raised no objections, despite the
fact that she was a foreigner. Wajeeta became a frequent visitor, even
though Daniel had not formally proposed to her. Wajeeta, with the inner
instinct of a female had discerned Daniel’s interest in her.

Daniel was on the verge of proposing when the annual sporting events
gala was announced at the university. Wajeeta decided to participate in
the swimming events. She would go to the pool in the mornings to
practice for the events. At first Daniel was unaware of her interest in
participating or that she had already started practicing for the
competition. A week before the event, Wajeeta proudly announced her
decision to Daniel.

Daniel was shocked! ‘How can you do that, Wajeeta?’

‘What do you mean? Why not?’ Wajeeta was surprised by his question.

‘You have no objections to parading before a crowd in a swim suit? No,

Wajeeta, I don’t like that.’ He was quite upset because he had imagined,
Wajeeta, coming from the East, was not likely to be comfortable with
wearing swim suits in public.

  140  
Wajeeta tried to reason, ‘What’s the big deal? It’s a sporting event and
I’m not the only female participant.’

‘True, it’s a sporting event, but I don’t approve of you appearing half
clad in public.’

“What’s the problem with you, Daniel? Why do the heavens seem to
have crashed down? There’s no big deal about this; at least not the way
you’re going on.’

’“Wajeeta, I don’t approve of my would-be-wife indulging in such events

and activities.’

She kept quiet for a moment, then responded, ‘In certain ways you are
very narrow-minded.’

‘You may be right in a way; but these are my values and I cannot
compromise on them.’ Daniel remained adamant.

‘You don’t need to compromise on your values, but there’s no reason for
you to force them down other peoples’ throats. In this day and age you
have such perverse attitudes towards women, it scares me! You seem to
be almost like a conservative Muslim, who is overly protective of his
females,’ Wajeeta replied.

Daniel looked at her. He seemed livid, ‘I don’t want to hear your

comments about me and my values. All I wish to say is that I do not
approve of your participation in the swimming events, so withdraw from
them.’

‘And if I don’t?’ Wajeeta asked.

‘Then, in that case, we are through. I would prefer to break off our
friendship’

Wajeeta flared up, ‘Do you know what’s wrong with you Daniel? You
are abnormal! Your ideas are not those of a person of this century. You
seem to be living in the past. What are you doing here in America? You
should be in one of the oppressive countries you grew up in! You are not

  141  
of this world! You are so highly influenced by your mother’s ideas and
those of the environment you grew up in, you are a total misfit here! In
fact, your ideas will be constant source of stress and strain between you
and your wife, because it’s hard for you to find such a submissive other-
worldly person here. Women today cannot accept so much interference in
every aspect of their lives. Either you accept that the world has changed,
or stop looking for a wife in America; remember, the woman of today
will not allow you to suppress her.’

Wajeeta was so enraged, she continued to fume, ‘Every woman is not as

stupid or controlling like your mother is; she seems to thrive on regularly
injecting you with her out-dated values and has made you incapable of
independent decision making. If a man cannot allow a woman any
independence, what can he give her? Helplessness and disappointment?
You don’t need to threaten me that this is the end; I want nothing more to
do with you ever again.’ Having had her say, Wajeeta stormed off in a
blaze of anger and rage.

*********************

‘Oh Daniel! Why are you so emotional and sensitive?’ Sybil said when
Daniel related the event to her. For the first time, Sybil did not criticize
the girl, rather she objected to Daniel’s attitudes and ideas. ‘Wanting to
participate in a swimming event is not reason enough to break off a
relationship!’ Sybil objected.

Daniel stared at his mother in shock, ‘Mom, what’re you saying?’

‘Well, at least she was better than the other girls you have known; she
didn’t run around with other men, she has some cultural values and
traditions that she adheres to; if you expect to find an ideal in this society,
you are mistaken. Ideals are not reality; we all have to compromise with
what is.’

‘I’m not willing to compromise, not on this— my wife’s character and

behavior— when my mind is not ready to accept something, how can I
force it to do so?’ Daniel replied stubbornly.

Sybil said, ‘In this case you seem to have rather extremist ideas.’

  142  
‘Mom, you know I’m right. The values you have instilled in me have
become ingrained in me. I cannot change what I am!’

‘Well, the kind of woman you are looking for is hard to find in the West;
in fact I would venture to say it is practically impossible.’ Sybil was
candid in her judgment.

‘In that case, if I can’t find a woman who I can accept, I would rather
remain single.’ Daniel stated decisively.

Sybil was shocked, and said, ‘You’re crazy, Daniel!’

‘Yes, I may be crazy. I’m tired of looking for the ideal wife. The women
I’ve met are right; I am very old fashioned and orthodox in my outlook.
But I can’t help that, that’s the way I am and that’s the way I will be. I’m
not willing to accept a wife who believes there’s nothing wrong with
exposing herself half clad in public, or who has had a string of boyfriends
in the past, or who appears in a swim suit just to gain applause from a
large audience or who feels there’s nothing wrong in embracing male
friends in front of me. I do not approve of these demonstrations of
independence and will not accept them. Instead of seething inside, it is
better I remain single and independent.’

‘Your extremism will get you nowhere, Daniel!’ Sybil gently rebuked
him.

‘Mom, why do you say that? I’m not an extremist! Do you think there are
no women in this world who are the kind I’m looking for? After all, you
are a conservative too. I’m looking for someone like you. You are
educated but your values are intact. Coupled with that is the fact that
we’ve long lived in Muslim countries where women, may be not all but
the majority, encompass the same value system I am talking about. So,
what I’m seeking is not impossible.’

‘Daniel, you don’t understand! I come from a different generation! My

parents were Catholic, but our situation was highly conservative, so I
grew up in that environment. Then I married your father who held similar
ideals, so it was not difficult for me to cling to my values and behavior
patterns. But if Patrick had been different, I would have had to adapt in
order to have harmony in our lives. In addition, we spent a great part of

  143  
our younger days in countries that had conservative lifestyles. What I’m
trying to say is don’t measure women using me as a yardstick. As for
Muslim women, they have a lot of restrictions to deal with, some cultural
some related to family and some to religion. Even if they wanted to they
couldn’t break with the traditions because their cultural and traditional
ties don’t allow them to do so. We are very different from them. We have
not only cultural differences, but religious differences too. So using them
as yardsticks is not valid either. You have to look at the society you
belong to and you will eventually marry in this society.’ Sybil reasoned
with Daniel.

‘You know I don’t like this society and I don’t want a woman from this
society for a wife.’ Daniel remained adamant.

‘What do you plan to do then?’

‘Nothing, I’ll continue the way I am. Life will continue in the same vein.’
‘You mean you will remain single, Daniel?’

‘Yes, I’ll remain single.’

‘That’s a tough one, Danny!’

‘Marrying the wrong woman will be even worse.’

This was the first time he had argued with his mother. For Sybil too, this
was a first. She had not realized how adamant and strong his ideas were.
He stuck to his thoughts, and despite his parents’ persuasion, did not
make up with Wajeeta, neither did he get romantically involved with
anyone else. After he completed his education, he secured a job with a
multinational company and was posted to London for a year. At the end
of this posting, he was offered a position in Pakistan that he gladly
accepted. Pakistan was not an unknown entity for him since he had lived
in India in his early youth and with his parents had become acquainted
with Pakistan. In addition, he met many Pakistani students studying in
America and had come to become quite familiar with the cultural
lifestyle of the country. Therefore, moving to Pakistan was not the
culture shock to him that it would have been for someone totally new to
the country.

  144  
 Chapter 8

Daniel’s arrival in Pakistan was the beginning of a new chapter in his

life. The first year proved to be a period of adjustment, but by the end of
the year he was quite comfortable with his surroundings. He also began
to enjoy the lifestyle that was so particularly Pakistani.

For two years he worked in the Karachi office of the company and then
moved to the Lahore office. He began learning Urdu all over again, and
as was his nature, kept very much to himself. At the Lahore office he met
another expatriate, a German female who was working for the company
too. The two of them struck up a friendship and often spent the weekend
together touring and visiting places of interest and entertainment. During
his vacation, he returned to the United States to see his parents and spend
time with them.

Patrick, developed cancer of the digestive system and was very ill for a
whole year. During his illness he sought retirement. For a while after the
retirement, Sybil and Patrick remained in America, but then they decided
to relocate to Germany because Patrick had family there and wanted to be
in relative proximity to them. The two of them tried their best to persuade
Daniel to get married and settle down but as usual, Daniel was adamant
and found an excuse to postpone the event. This continued until he had
been in Pakistan for a total of eight years.

By now, Daniel was pretty much set in his ways. He worked until
evening and then took himself off either to a party, or out to dinner, to the
movies or such else, returning home at ten or eleven in the evening. He
then took in the news, spent some time reading and went to bed. He
seemed quite settled and content with his life. But nothing remains
constant, and Daniel’s life too could not remain constant; it was about to
change.

Daniel generally went to lunch at a fast food outlet near the office. That
day too he went to the same place. He placed his order and while waiting
for it, just cast his eyes around— the outlet staff were rushing to and fro
processing orders and attending to clients. That’s when he saw her—
attending to a couple and their order—the most beautiful girl he had ever
seen. She attended to the couple and disappeared into the doorway behind
the hustle and bustle. Daniel kept staring at the door as though willing her

  145  
to reappear. As though she had heard his plea, she re-emerged and took
up her place at the counter again. Daniel could only stare at her from a
distance. She was talking to someone, and he tried to look away, but as
though mesmerized, he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He wanted her to
attend to his order. To his pleasure, she approached him, smiling, and
handed him his order Daniel quietly picked up the tray and walked away.

He found himself a table near the counter and sat himself down where he
could see her. He kept looking at her and was drawn to her eyes; long
lashes shielding clear deep black eyes. Eyes that seemed to be hiding a
deep pain and sadness, eyes that seemed to be moist with tears belying
the smile with which she attended to customers. Daniel wished he could
paint those eyes. His mother painted well, and Daniel too was genetically
talented in drawing and sketching, though he had not trained in the field.
He finished his lunch and quickly pulled out a business card and used the
back of it to sketch her eyes. He left then, but all day, the image of those
eyes seemed to haunt him and he wondered at the sadness in them and
the reason for the sadness.

The next afternoon he returned to the same place for lunch. He saw her
again, and as the day before, her eyes seemed to be misted with unshed
tears but she was smiling as she attended to the customers. Daniel
deliberately manipulated the queue so that she would process his order.
He collected his meal and set himself down at the same table that he had
used the previous day and began to sketch her eyes again. This time he
had come prepared with paper and pencil to produce a better sketch. He
spent a good quarter hour sketching, then stopped as though satisfied. He
turned to his meal and as he munched he kept his eyes glued to the girl
and watched her every move. He finished his lunch and left the place.

It then became a routine with him. He seemed to have developed an

affinity for this girl and every day during lunch at the diner he sketched
her,; he observed her from different angles, paying special attention to
her captivating eyes. This continued until he was required to make a
weeklong trip to Karachi. During the trip, he missed the routine of
sketching the girl and found that the week passed very slowly, because he
was anxious to return to the diner. Every night that he was away, he
pulled out the portfolio of sketches that he had created and looked at
them with satisfaction and yearning.

  146  
On his return to Lahore, he headed straight to the diner, expecting to see
her behind the counter as usual, her smile masking the sadness that lay
deep below the surface in her eyes as she attended to the customers in her
usual friendly way. But he was disappointed; she wasn’t there. He waited
a bit, but then with laden footsteps, left the diner and headed to work.

The next afternoon, Daniel decided to try his luck again, and headed for
the fast food outlet. He was in a state of anxiety, hoping against hope that
she would be there. He didn’t even want to imagine that she may not be
at her usual position behind the counter. As soon as he entered, he heaved
a sigh of relief; there she was, at her usual spot; looking at her Daniel felt
an unfamiliar pleasure course through his entire being and a satisfaction
he had never felt before. He approached her and placed his order, and
while doing so, he asked, ‘What’s your name?’ the customary smile
vanished from her face and she stared at him blankly.

Daniel realized that his question was rather strange and tried to clarify,
‘Actually, I come here every day and you generally attend to my order,
so I thought it’s only right that we introduce ourselves; I’m Daniel
Edgar.’ Daniel noticed that she seemed reluctant to establish any kind of
familiarity and in fact, he noticed a strange restlessness in her eyes.

She echoed him, ‘You come here everyday?’ and Daniel was surprised
when she spoke and he was puzzled. He couldn’t understand it; for the
last month or so he had been coming here regularly and she was asking
him if he came everyday! He had expected that she would have become
familiar with his face by now, but apparently she wasn’t even aware of
his existence.

‘Yes, I come here every day, and you generally attend to my order….at
this time…every day…I thought you would have noticed!’

‘No, no; I don’t recall seeing you here,’ She replied truthfully and
disappeared to process his order. For some reason he felt slighted, and
thought to himself, ‘I’m not so ordinary looking that she wouldn’t
remember me! Is she lying? Or is she just so unconcerned as to really not
care?’ He was frustrated; maybe he expected that she would also have
developed an interest in him?

  147  
The girl reappeared in a few minutes with Daniel’s order and handed it to
him. He addressed her, ‘I asked you your name.’ She looked at him
expressionlessly, said her name and walked away.

‘Umeed!’ he whispered the name to himself. He had picked up enough

Urdu during his stay in Pakistan to clearly understand that the name
meant hope and expectation. The next afternoon he returned to the food
outlet and walked up straight to the counter and to the girl.

‘I’m back!’ he said, ‘Remember I asked you your name yesterday?’ He

noticed a flicker of recognition in her eyes, but she walked away
wordlessly. The next few weeks were the same; each time Daniel tried to
talk to her, she either busied herself or walked away without saying a
word to him. Each time this happened, Daniel left the place disappointed
only to return with renewed hope the next day.

Then the roster changed and she was put on to the late afternoon shift.
This meant she finished work quite late in the evening. For Daniel this
was ideal. Very evening after work he came into the food outlet and
lingered on until she left. The girl seemed to have become an important
element in his life and he didn’t feel awkward hankering after her the
way he did. He felt a compulsion to be there while she was on duty.
When she finished work and left, he too left to go home.

This routine continued for three months. Daniel now decided it was time
to take a step further. One evening at the end of her shift, he left the diner
but waited in his car. Soon she emerged. She had changed out of her
uniform and was now wearing her normal street wear of shalwar kameez.
She boarded the vehicle that the restaurant provided for the staff to get to
and from work. That evening, for the first time, Daniel followed the
transport van to see where the girl lived. The vehicle stopped outside the
gate of the working women’s hostel and the girl got off and disappeared
into the gate. Daniel now made it his routine to follow her home and to
drive off after he had seen her go into the hostel.

He also noticed that there were days when she left work early and took
the bus at the corner bus stop, arrived at the stop that was a five-minute
walk from the hostel and proceeded home. During these walks home, she
seemed to be unaware of things around her; had she been aware, she
would have noticed the black car that seemed to follow her regularly.

  148  
When she entered the gate, Daniel waited a while, looking at the closed
gate, and then drove away.

Daniel couldn’t understand himself. He realized he was behaving like a

callow youth; sitting in the diner, following her home, staring at the
closed gate and then returning to his own place and wondering what he
was doing. He felt foolish, but he was helpless; he felt as though he was
under a spell that made him do what he was doing; that was the only
explanation he had; after all, he was a mature adult male and adults did
not do such things.

Perhaps things would have continued in the same vein endlessly, except
for the fact that for a whole week the girl seemed to have disappeared.
One day she wasn’t there, and though upset, he waited patiently for her to
reappear. The next day he approached the counter and asked about her,
only to be told that she had taken off for a couple of days. He heaved a
sigh of relief, and went in the following day expecting to see her there;
but she wasn’t; no one knew why she was absent. With a heavy heart he
let the diner and drove around aimlessly. Yet another day, and no sign of
the girl; he was rather perturbed now, and the constant enquiry seemed to
arouse interest. The girl he accosted wanted to know why he was asking
for her with such regularity. He became flustered and made some
noncommittal response and quickly left the place.

In the car and he sat and wondered to himself, ‘Where could she have
gone and why?” Then an idea struck him; he quickly started the car and
drove off arriving at the hostel. He approached the gatekeeper and
addressed him in Urdu. The gatekeeper was quite impressed to hear a
westerner, speaking such clear and fluent Urdu. Daniel enquired about
Umeed’s whereabouts.

The gatekeeper asked, ‘Umeed who? What’s her full name? A lot of
young women live here, I don’t know who you’re talking about.’

‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know her full name,’ Daniel confessed helplessly.

The gatekeeper was helpful and said, ‘I’ll just enquire at the reception.’
The gatekeeper went off, and then as though he realized something, he
returned and asked, ‘What is your relationship with this young woman
you are making enquiries about?’

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At first Daniel didn’t know what to say, but then he mumbled, ‘I’ve come
from the restaurant; she had taken leave for two days but she hasn’t
returned yet and I’ve been sent to find out if she’s alright.’

Immediately the gatekeeper seemed to recognize and realize who Daniel

was enquiring about, ‘Are you asking about Ms. Umeed Alam?’ Daniel
nodded in assent. The chowkidar continued, ‘She’s gone to her home
town.’

‘And where is her home town?’ Daniel asked

‘Rawalpindi,’ was the reply.

‘When is she expected to return?’

‘I have no idea.’

‘Can you find out for me?’ Daniel requested.

‘I’ll try.’

The chowkidar disappeared and returned within a few minutes. ‘She was
to have returned within two days but hasn’t returned yet.’

Daniel was silent for a moment then asked, ‘Can I have a contact number
for her?’

‘We can’t give out contact details of the young women until they
themselves authorize us to do so,’ the gatekeeper replied.

Daniel realized it was best not to arouse suspicions by insisting and left
the hostel. That night, probably for the first time in his life, he couldn’t
fall asleep, much as he tried. Life suddenly seemed to have lost all
meaning for him, and he wondered what he would do if he never saw her
again. He tossed and turned all night; got up and paced the floor until he
was exhausted; but the obsession would not leave him.

The next day at work, he seemed dysfunctional; for the first time in his
life he was unable to work efficiently. He was distracted dictating to his

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secretary and she was puzzled; this was an aspect of Daniel she had never
seen before. He called for the wrong files, then sent them to the wrong
departments; he couldn’t decipher the faxes he received. Meeting with
the company auditors he took exception to a minor issue and lost his
temper. No one in the workplace had ever seen Daniel in such a rage;
normally he was even tempered and easy to get along with, but that
particular day he seemed to have gotten up from the wrong side of the
bed and nothing seemed to satisfy him, and he walked out of the meeting
leaving the attendees open-mouthed at his behavior. For a few moments
there was pin-drop silence; then the meeting resumed without Daniel.

Observing this unusual display of anger and frustration, the zonal chief,
John Boulevard, opined that Daniel seemed to be under stress; either due
to work pressure or due to a personal crisis; and instructed the HR
department to send Daniel on rest and recreation leave for three days.
The meeting ended on that note.

Saud Irtiza was a colleague, and he and Daniel had developed a good
rapport. After the meeting Saud went to see Daniel. ‘What’s the matter,
Daniel, you seem upset about something.’

Daniel didn’t answer, but the way he lowered his head, was answer
enough for Saud.

‘The chief has instructed that you be granted three days off for rest and
recreation, and I have been delegated to find out what kind of help you
might need,’ Saud informed Daniel. He pulled up a chair and sat down
across the table from Daniel. ‘What’s the problem, Daniel?’ he asked
sympathetically.

Daniel leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes; he wondered whether
he should discuss the issue with Saud or not, and if he were to discuss it,
what would be the consequences and how would Saud regard the feelings
he had for the girl? Finally, he took a couple of deep breaths and
unburdened himself by sharing the events of the last many weeks with
Saud.

‘I seem to see her everywhere! Here in the office while I’m working, on
the streets, at the crossroads; her image haunts me and I can’t seem to get
her out of my mind!’ Daniel confessed in exasperation.

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Saud remained silent, trying to absorb the impact of what Daniel had just
shared with him. Then he broke the tangible silence.

‘So, you’ve fallen in love with this girl,’ Saud said.

Daniel seemed startled, ‘Fallen in love? But I’ve never been in love with
anyone, neither have I felt the need to love anyone!’

‘That may be true, but this time you seem to be badly smitten. Just
because you have never loved doesn’t mean it will never happen!’ Saud
replied wisely.

‘Do you really think I’ve fallen in love with this girl? How can that be,
and that too out of the blue; without knowing her or anything about her?’
Daniel was flabbergasted but the idea seemed to appeal to him and he
was relieved.

*********************

Daniel was surprised by Saud’s observation. He wondered, ‘Have I really

fallen in love with this girl? And if that is the case then it’s so
surprising… how did it happen? How did I fall in love without even
realizing it? And that too, out of the blue? So suddenly?’ But the idea
was not unpleasant and he felt a thrill of happiness course through his
entire being.

Saud continued, ‘And now the girl seems to have disappeared and you
are distraught; you’re trying to find her and can’t; but the question is,
what will you do if you do find her? Do you want to find her only
because you want her to take your order and process it at the food
outlet?’ Daniel hadn’t really thought about that, so the question left him
dumbfounded and Saud only smiled as he continued, ‘or do you plan to
declare your love for her and propose marriage to her?’

‘Yes, yes I want to marry her,’ Daniel replied spontaneously.

Saud became serious as he explained to Daniel, ‘I don’t know what faith

the girl belongs to, but if she’s a Muslim, she can’t marry a Non-Muslim;
it’s against the edicts of Islam, therefore you would have to convert and

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adopt the Muslim faith. Are you prepared to change your faith, and that
too, there’s no guarantee that she will accept your marriage proposal.
May be she’s already married or engaged to be married; it’s also possible
that she doesn’t care to marry you because you don’t appeal to her;
there’s also the added possibility that the idea of marrying a newly
converted foreigner may not appeal to her or to her family… there are too
many ifs and buts, especially in our society where people are clannish
and tend to marry within their own sphere of influence. Considering all
the possibilities and probabilities, where will “love” get you? We are
trying to become liberal in our attitudes and have succeeded in certain
aspects, but as a nation, there are still situations where we tend to be
traditional especially in those situations where religion is involved and
marriage is just one such situation. Why don’t you think about what I’ve
explained to you; sleep on it and consider the problems and hindrances
you’re going to come up against? Every step that you take in this
situation will be a gamble; the odds of winning and losing are even; but
in case you lose, will you be able to pick up the pieces and carry on? If,
after due consideration to all the possibilities, you do decide to go ahead
and try to win the girl over, I will assist you in any way that I can.”

Saud finished explaining and got up and left but Daniel just sat there;
Saud’s warnings echoing in his mind. Daniel left the office and went
back to the diner, hoping against hope to find her, but she wasn’t there,
and he felt a gush of tears threatening to burst out as he left the place
disappointed yet again.

That night, he recounted all that Saud had explained to him about the
intricacies of marriage in Islam. The scepter of religion had once again
raised its head; the very decision that he had been avoiding; only this
time there was a third faith involved; a faith he had never even
considered. And this time he couldn’t postpone his decision because his
future hinged on it. He wondered, ‘Can I convert to Islam?’ The question
raised many memories and images that lay deeply buried in his mind.

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 Chapter 9

Islam was not a new concept for him. He was introduced to Islam way
back as a little boy. He was born in Morrocco a Muslim country; then he
lived in a number of other Islamic countries as a young lad while his
father held various positions. Like his Muslim classmates, he had learned
to respect the Adhan, the call for prayers, by observing silence while the
call was recited. In fact he had followed this tradition until he was fifteen.
When he initially came to Pakistan, he was once again reminded of his
childhood, and he again began to observe the required silence during the
call for prayers. This observation of silence was just a habit he had
developed. He observed it without really being conscious of it nor did he
know the significance of it.

The first time he seemed to have been confronted with the idea of
religious differences was during the time the family spent a year in
London. He was only six then and had accompanied his mother to
church. The preacher addressing the congregation spoke about the
injustices that were meted out to Christians in Muslim lands like
Lebanon. The preacher painted such a pitiable picture that many in the
congregation were moved to tears, including Sybil. Daniel had looked up
at his mother in surprise, and being so young, had followed her cue and
become sad.

On emerging from the church he asked his mother, ‘Mom, why do the
Muslims hurt the Christians? Why are they so cruel?’

‘They cannot tolerate any other religion. That’s just the way they are and
that’s their cultural tradition,’ Sybil replied.

‘Yes, but isn’t it wrong to hurt and kill people?’ Daniel persisted.

‘Yes, it’s wrong; but the Muslims don’t care about others and they do a
lot of other bad things too. Let’s go now, we’ll talk at home.’ Sybil
hurried him along and stopped him from asking more questions. At home
Sybil took down a book about the Muslim conquest of Spain, and related
to Daniel all the gory details of the Muslim atrocities against the local
Christians. During the next week she related the one-sided Christian
version of the Crusades to Daniel.

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The following week there was a fund raiser in the school to collect
donations for Christian children in Asian lands. The church
representatives appealed only for the price of a candy bar. The children,
including Daniel, listened attentively as they were told, ‘Surely you can
spare the cost of a candy bar; you can do without a candy bar for one day
so that children who are starving can have food.’ This refrain won over
the children and the donations poured in.

Daniel returned home and recounted the incident to Sybil and told her
how he too had put his candy money into the donation box. Sybil was
pleased with him and told him so. He then asked, ‘Why don’t the kids
have food to eat?’

Sybil replied, ‘They don’t have food because they live in Islamic
countries and Muslims do not like people of other religions. They treat
the local Christians badly because they are the minority and cannot stand
up for their rights. The money collected from such donations is used to
provide food, housing, medical care and education for these deprived
minorities.’

What Sybil failed to tell him, and what he found out by reading an article
about fifteen years later was that the funds were actually used for
missionary activities of converting poor Muslims to Christianity.

The tales of woe that he heard when he was six, had a huge impact on
Daniel and from then on he regularly contributed to the fund for Christian
minorities and also made a contribution to the Church whenever he went
there with Sybil.

*********************

At the age of six, Daniel became a regular donor to the school charity
box and to the church. He wanted to help the Christian child victims of
so-called Muslim atrocities.

The anti-Muslim refrain was also taken up at the Jewish Temple. During
the 1967 Arab-Israel war the rabbi at the Jewish temple spewed venom
against Muslims and declared ‘Muslims are wicked, brutal and
treacherous!’ For many days after hearing this malicious tirade, Daniel
continued to deliberate over it. He had been exposed to this slandering at

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the local temple where he went to attend Saturday service with his father.
The allegations were followed by an appeal for funds for the victims of
Muslim atrocities. Patrick presented a generous check to the Rabbi, and
Daniel again donated his pocket money. As he held out his donation, the
Rabbi drew him close and applauded the effort and said, ‘It is children
like him (Daniel) who will be the future of Israel and the Jewish
community’ The praise from the rabbi warmed Daniel’s heart, and he
looked at his father as though seeking his confirmation. Patrick was
glowing with pride that his son had been singled out for such
distinguished attention. And so the routine was established: Daniel gave
to the Church and Daniel gave to the Synagogue—he was proud to be
contributing to the well-being of both faiths that were being persecuted
by the Muslims.

Had this brainwashing continued, Daniel too would have developed a

hatred for the Muslims. Fortunately, his father was assigned to a project
in Egypt, and the family went along. A number of his teachers and
classmates were Muslim, and they were no different from the non-
Muslims in behavior and attitude. They were equally friendly, polite,
hospitable and helpful.

The accommodation provided to the family was the family home of a

Muslim widow. She had moved into a smaller portion of the house and
rented out the larger portion for financial reasons. The woman, Hamida
Asad Al Zuberi, was actually of Turkish origin, but had married an
Egyptian and moved to Egypt. Sybil developed a good rapport with her
and the two women became quite friendly. In fact, Hamida very often
took care of Daniel and acted as babysitter whenever Sybil required her
to do so. Daniel was well cared for by Hamida the neighbor-landlady.
Daniel noticed that she was always covered in a white chadar and she
recited regularly from the Holy Quran.

When Daniel was with her, she spent enough time with him, settling him
in and getting him comfortable; then she got him involved in something
constructive and returned to her Quran recitation. In the beginning Daniel
was a little shy, but his curiosity got the better of him, and he soon began
to ask her questions about Muslims and the Muslim faith. He mentioned
to her all the misconceptions he had been taught to believe. Hamida
listened to all he had to say. Some of the things he said she just smiled at
and let pass; some she laughed heartily at; but then she always found the

  156  
relevant verse from the Quran and translated it for Daniel so that he now
had a chance to hear the other side too.

She told him, ‘God and our Prophet have provided guidance to do the
right thing; and that is what we practice. Unfortunately, people have told
you all the atrocities the Muslims have committed but they haven’t told
you all the indignities and injustices meted out to Muslims at the hands of
the Christians and the Jews.’ She recounted the historical details about
the Palestinians and how they were made to yield their land. She talked
about how the Turkish Empire was carved up by the allies after World
War I. She also told him about the sufferings of the Muslims of the
Indian subcontinent at the hands of the British. Hamida’s lessons from
history were an eye-opener for Daniel, and the eight-year old came to
understand that there always two sides to a tale and that it was important
to know the other point of view too.

Hamida went on to explain, ‘Muslims are not the way you imagine them
to be; we have our religion, our culture and our way of life. If we live our
lives according to our own traditions and principles, what’s wrong with
it? After all, even in the west you follow your own cultural traditions and
principles. We don’t object to your beliefs nor do we interfere in them.
We don’t restrict your freedom or your rights then why is it that Muslim
beliefs and principles, Islamic freedom and rights are restricted by
others?’

Hamida didn’t treat him like a kid and fob off his questions. In fact she
treated him like a person who was capable of making sound judgments.
Not only did she objectively explain things to him, she also gave him the
chance to ask questions to clarify points, and analyze events before he
made an informed decision about what he had learned. Daniel
appreciated the way she let him derive his own conclusions and also the
fact that she didn’t force her ideas on him. This encounter was a
wonderful experience for Daniel. He developed the capability of
objective observation that obliterated the biased brainwashing and
sensational emotional blackmail that he had been subjected to during the
year he lived in the west; he learned valuable lessons in critical thinking
with Hamida.

The next few years growing up in Muslim lands firmly removed from his
mind anti-Muslim prejudices and misconceptions about the Islamic faith.

  157  
The few Muslim girls he met, he was comfortable with because their
home environment was pretty much like his own. He no longer objected
to the fact that his male friends did not introduce him to their female folk;
he accepted it as their tradition. He even appreciated the purdah that
Muslim females adopted in the presence of males. In fact he quite liked
the veil and what it stood for. He could see a number of similarities in
Sybil and the Muslim women. Like the Muslim women, Sybil too
dressed modestly and conservatively. She was helpful, kind and
forthcoming to whoever required assistance, as were the Muslim women
he met and observed.

When Daniel returned to the United States at the age of fifteen, he had
become quite comfortable with and accustomed to the Muslim ways,
therefore the liberal ways of the Americans proved to be a culture shock
for him. He began to make mental comparisons between East and West
and the lifestyles of both, and he seemed to prefer what he had seen in the
East. There was no doubt in his mind that he approved of the veil for
women. In fact he had made the choice of the veil while he lived in the
Middle East. When he encountered Muslim women who had abandoned
the veil in Egypt and Jordan, they didn’t appeal to him and he generally
cast aspersions on their moral values for abandoning such an important
cultural tradition.

Daniel experienced the anti-Muslim bias with a degree of awareness

when he was at the sensitive age of seventeen. A relatively minor issue
was blown out of proportion. A young Muslim girl, using a scarf as a
head covering was asked to either remove her scarf and attend school, or
else remove herself from the school. Daniel was used to seeing young
girls using the scarf head covering and he felt that the girl was being
unnecessarily persecuted. He wanted to support her, but didn’t know how
to go about it. The girl’s parents approached the courts and the issue
became a sensation in the press. The case dragged on for a few months
and finally the courts upheld the decision of the school authorities. The
girl had lost; she was forced to leave the school and seek admission
elsewhere; at another institution that did not make a big issue of her
wearing the scarf. The press heaped praise on the school and the courts
for not allowing an inch to those who were considered non-conformist—
the fact that the girl did not agree to remove the scarf made her a non-
conformist.

  158  
The next day in the cafeteria a Pakistani student bitterly expressed his
opinion, ‘If the judge is Jewish and the religion of the land is
Christianity, do you expect a Muslim girl to get justice? On the other
hand if a girl comes to school immodestly dressed, she will not be
hassled or considered biased or non-conformist. But Muslim girls, in the
habit of using a head scarf, are considered dangerous elements who may
disrupt the usual pattern by dressing differently and spreading bias and
prejudice. How ironical is this!! They think they can prevent the growth
of Islam by their petty attitudes, Islam is not about pettiness, its very
basic tenets is what attracts converts and they should know that.’

Daniel listened while his friend vented steam; he too was outraged that
such a petty issue was blown out of proportion. The whole idea of asking
a student to leave school was a violation of, human rights. For a few days
Daniel was disturbed by the event and continued to dwell on it, but
eventually, he too got involved with life and he forgot about it.

One time when his parents were really pressurizing him to make a
decision about the faith he wanted to adopt, he joked, ‘Don’t worry, you
won’t have to be troubled about the last rites for me. Either I’ll be a Jew
or a Christian, and worst come to worst, I’ll be a Buddhist or a Muslim!’

This light-hearted conversation was taking place over dinner, and the
final remarks were uttered by Daniel while he was concentrating on his
bowl of trifle pudding. Daniel sensed a strange silence; he looked up
from his plate, and realized that both parents were staring at him aghast!
He was surprised and asked, ‘What’s the matter? Why are you so
shocked?’

Sybil replied, ‘How could you even consider converting to Islam?’

‘I haven’t considered it; it was meant as a joke,’ Daniel explained.

‘How could you joke about something so serious; don’t even joke about
converting to Islam!’ Patrick said harshly. ‘Adopt any faith you want;
become a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Jain or whatever form of paganism you
want, but never, ever a Muslim! I’m a Jew and I can never accept a
Muslim as my kin.’ Patrick took recourse in history to substantiate his
assertion.

  159  
Daniel looked at his mother cautiously and said, ‘That’s all history and
old hat. We have to let go off of that; actually even the Christians have
persecuted the Jews, especially in Germany; not only did the Jews in
Germany bear atrocities beyond imagination there was also expulsion.
Chronologically German atrocities against Jews are relatively more
recent than the Muslim-Jew conflict and the early Diaspora. If you want
to retain a grudge against the Muslims, it’s only fair that a grudge be
against the Christians.’

‘Daniel! How dare you?’ Sybil shouted as she banged her fist on the
table.

‘Hey Mom, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you. But I’m only stating
facts and facts can’t be changed, you know that,’ Daniel adopted a
conciliatory tone as he explained his point.

‘So, are you trying to tell us that you want to adopt the Muslim faith? Is
that it?’

‘Of course not; I just meant it as a joke; just forget about it, it’s not
important,’ Daniel clarified and changed the topic.

But later he pondered and wondered why his parents were so against the
Muslim faith. They didn’t care if he became a pagan, but the very idea of
adopting Islam was anathema to them, they were adamant that they
would sever all ties with him if he were to chose Islam. He wondered
why his generally tolerant parents were so biased and prejudiced against
Islam he felt that they were afraid of Islam and wondered what it was
about Islam that seemed to terrify them.

He felt he would like to find out more from history. He had read about
and heard all about the religious differences from the Jewish and
Christian points of view. He felt it was only fair that he now examine
history from the Muslim perspective too, in order to understand the
strong animosity that people of the western religions bore towards the
Muslims.

Daniel began his research in earnest. He studied Islamic history and read
the Quran and its translation and explanations. He spent a whole six
months in data collection and analysis. At the end he was even more

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confused about which faith he should choose. Nevertheless, he had
decided that he now had three choices —Judaism, Christianity and
Islam—to choose from.

Kathy’s chance remarks reverberated in his mind, ‘Instead of an educated

western woman, you should find yourself an illiterate veiled Muslim
woman who will be willing to be led around by you, and who will never
even consider looking at another man’ Kathy had told him. These
remarks drove him to look at Islam more favorably once again.

Daniel began to compare the purdah observing Muslim woman to the

independent western woman. He came to the conclusion that the Muslim
woman was more reliable; she was modest and chaste and faithful.
Moreover the Muslim woman was not an exhibitionist. Based on these
qualities, he felt that any religion that teaches and allows its adherents to
develop qualities of chastity and modesty must definitely have a more
superior bearing than the other prevailing religions. The reason Kathy
had targeted Muslim women was the fact that the western concept of the
Muslim woman was that of a backward, uneducated and helpless creature
who was held up as a symbol of pity and humiliation. However, this was
true. What attracted him to Muslim women was the quality of chastity
and modesty.

Of course, his disastrous affair with Wajeeta and her comparison of him
had shaken him. She had likened him to a narrow-minded fanatical
Muslim male. He felt insulted by the unfair comparison and truly
believed that he was right when he said he would not like his wife to
appear half-clad in public. He felt that precious things are cared for and
protected; not left out in the open to tempt others to apportion. He
appreciated the Muslim male and the care he lavished on his women folk;
and he felt that the west was being unjust in labeling Muslims as
barbaric, narrow-minded and fanatical.

When his work brought him to Pakistan, he was quite sure he would meet
his soul mate here. However, he was rather disappointed because the
women he met at social events seemed to be clones of their western
sisters. They wore western clothes and proudly drank with abandon; they
flirted with men and it was as though he had not left the west. He
wondered what had happened; how had the west imposed itself on the
east? The women he met were not the kind he was looking for to marry

  161  
and settle down with; they seemed to be chasing wealth, social status and
all material aspects of life and seemed to lack moral values. He felt it
would be a mistake to marry someone who belonged to this kind of social
circle.

Daniel was now completely disillusioned and despaired of finding the

kind of wife he was seeking. Therefore, he cut down on his socializing
and partying and concentrated on his work. He spent time at social
events, but his interactions with the opposite sex were rather perfunctory
and casual and he maintained a safe distance from them. His transfer to
Lahore did not help, because the crowd he met here was also similar to
the ones he had left behind.

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 Chapter 10

And now he had fallen in love with a girl who he knew nothing about
except for her name. ‘Supposing this girl doesn’t come up to my
expectations; suppose she also turns out to be like the girls I have broken
up with in the past because I couldn’t accept them the way they were;
will I abandon the idea of marrying her too?’ Self-doubts assailed him as
he pondered the dilemma he was faced with.

He asked himself if he would be able to leave her if she was not what he
expected her to be. He asked himself the question in due earnestness and
decided, ‘I won’t ask about her past, because in this case the past is not
important. As for our life together, our present, that life style we can
arrange and take it from there. The past can’t be changed but with the
present we have the choice of making our own decisions. I will love and
cherish her to an extent beyond her expectations, I’m sure she will
develop some regard for me. I’m sure she will because she is an eastern
woman and she is probably a Muslim; such women generally are caring
and willing to make compromises.’

At the age of thirty five, Daniel had reached the point where he needed to
make decisions about matters he had been postponing for years. He asked
himself if he would be able to find it within himself to adopt the Muslim
faith in order to marry the girl. It took a bit of soul searching but he
finally decided that she was important enough for him to adopt her faith.
His decision had suddenly become so easy to make; he would do
anything for the woman he loved.

The next afternoon he again visited the fast food outlet; but alas! She
wasn’t there. Though disappointed, he was not deterred from his
decision, and that evening he took himself off to visit Saud Irtiza. Saud
asked him, ‘Ok, so you are ready to change your faith for the sake of the
woman you love, I accept your decision. But, just suppose, for some
reason the marriage doesn’t work out, what will you do? Will you revert
to your earlier faith?’

Daniel was bewildered, ‘What’s the connection between a failed

marriage and reverting to the previous way of life or staying with the
adopted faith?’

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‘There’s a very strong connection,’ Saud replied. ‘You’re not adopting
Islam because the faith has had an impact on you; you are accepting the
faith because it is the path that will help you marry the woman you care
for. In case of a break up, there’s no reason for you to retain your adopted
faith. Pardon my saying so, but a person like you, who has never had any
strong religious ties, it is easier to drift out of a religion than it is to adopt
one.’

Daniel stared dumbfounded at Saud but then he said, ‘As far as I’m
concerned, the main reason for joining the ranks of the Muslims is the
fact that I want to marry a particular Muslim woman. However, I’m sure
adhering to the tenets of Islam will make me a better person. A failed
marriage would not drive me away from the folds of Islam because I’m
of the opinion that marriage is a social condition, while accepting a belief
system or religion has to do with your faith.’

‘Then you must accept that certain social conditions are tightly interlaced
with faith,’ Saud replied.

Daniel strongly asserted that he would not allow social conditions to have
any kind of impact on his faith, and that he was ready to accept Islam as
his religion.

‘Ok, I won’t argue with you. If you have made up your mind and are
ready to accept the challenge of accepting Islam as your faith, I will pray
that you remain steadfast and firm in your beliefs and practices,’ Saud
said,

The next evening Saud accompanied Daniel to the fast food outlet. The
moment they entered, Daniel grabbed hold of Saud’s arm and excitedly
turned to him, ‘She’s back; look! There she is.’

Saud was surprised to see the excitement and happiness evident on

Daniel’s face; gone was the tension and stress lines that seemed to have
become permanently etched on Daniel’s face; he was as ecstatic with joy.
Saud looked towards the counter, but there were so many girls there he
didn’t know who Daniel was referring to. Daniel led him towards
Umeed. She looked up with the customary smile as was required of her
job but Daniel didn’t place an order, he asked her, ‘Where were you all
week?’

  164  
The smile faded from her lips but before she could react, Saud intervened
and placed the order. She noted the requirement and disappeared. Saud
admonished Daniel, ‘Control yourself, Daniel! Stop behaving like a
callow youth! You don’t know her well enough to demand to know why
she wasn’t at work.’

Umeed reappeared with their order and handed it over without a glance at
Daniel, nor the customary smile. The two men picked up their trays and
settled down at a nearby table with their meals.

‘So, she’s Umeed Alam,’ Saud said.

‘Yea!’ Daniel replied as he continued to stare at her.

‘I’ll try and find a mutual connection so that we can establish contact.
Don’t you think it would be better for you to propose marriage to her
directly, Daniel? This way you will be able to find out how she feels
about the whole thing,’ Saud suggested.

‘Propose to her? Hmm! Sounds like a good idea! I think I’ll do that
tonight.’ Daniel replied, still staring at Umeed.

Saud was quite surprised to see Daniel so excited. Daniel was generally a
man of few words and had his emotions well under control. This was an
aspect of Daniel that had never been revealed to his workmates before.
The way Daniel kept looking pointedly towards Umeed brought to
Saud’s mind the image of a thirsty traveler in a desert who couldn’t seem
to quench his thirst; Daniel couldn’t seem to get enough of Umeed, or
then, maybe he was afraid she would disappear again. Saud finished his
meal and sat around for a short while and then left. Daniel stayed almost
to the end of Umeed’s shift, and shortly before her shift ended, he
approached her. She was distressed to see him coming towards her, but
there was no escape.

‘Umeed , will you marry me?’ he noticed her stiffen, as though she had
turned to stone. She held her breath and then quickly disappeared into the
service area behind the counter. Daniel waited for her to return, but she
didn’t. Daniel was disappointed and left the place but waited in the car.
In a short while Umeed emerged and boarded the van that ferried the

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staff to and from work. As was his routine, Daniel followed the vehicle
until Umeed got off at gate of the working women’s hostel. Then he
returned home and called Saud and recounted the details of the approach
he had made.

Saud reassured him and said, ‘Don’t worry; I’ll try to make enquiries and
identify an intermediary we can approach to carry your message to the
Umeed and her family.’

The next day Daniel was disappointed to see that she wasn’t at the
counter in her usual spot. On enquiring, he was told that she had resigned
from the position. He felt the ground slip away from under his feet! For a
while he stood there confused, then he left the place and headed for the
hostel. He questioned the gatekeeper about Umeed’s whereabouts. The
gatekeeper was rather standoffish, but informed him that she had moved
out of the hostel the previous day, and he had no information regarding
her whereabouts; he closed the gate indicating that Daniel should go
away. Daniel stood outside the gate for a long while confused and lost.
Then he rapped on the gate again,’Is Umeed a Muslim?’ Daniel asked the
gatekeeper.

The man found the question rather strange but replied, ‘Yes, she’s a
Muslim.’

Daniel turned round and walked towards his car. He drove around
aimlessly for a long time. Finally he stopped at a mosque; he wasn’t
familiar with either the mosque nor did he know the locality he was in.
He entered the mosque and spoke to the Imam—the prayer leader of the
mosque—about his intentions. The Imam was surprised. He sought
counsel of the members of the congregation already present there. A long
discussion ensued while Daniel waited. The prayer leader then returned
to Daniel and congratulated him warmly.

An hour later, Daniel emerged from the mosque with his new name—
Eman Ali— and the new faith that he had embraced. He had offered his
prayers along with the congregation and remained in the mosque while
the prayer leader offered special supplications for all. He arrived home
and called Saud to inform him about what had transpired.

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‘I’m not Daniel anymore, I’m Eman Ali. I don’t know whether I’ve made
the decision well in time or too late. Nevertheless, the deed had to be
done and I’ve done it. Now you tell me; how can you help me find
Umeed. Also, I need to meet and become associated with a religious
scholar who will be my guide in matters of Islam and its teachings.’

Saud was surprised to hear the undertones of peace and contentment in

Daniel’s or rather, EmanAli’s voice. When the two men met at work the
next day, Saud congratulated Eman warmly on his decision and for
joining the ranks of fellow Muslims.

Daniel aka Eman Ali explained to Saud, ‘For the time being I do not
want to divulge to anyone the fact that I have embraced Islam. The matter
is confidential, please keep it to yourself.’

‘I understand; you can rest assured that I will not utter a word,’ Saud
reassured him. ‘Tomorrow I hope to have some information about
Umeed and I will let you know what I have been able to find out. This
evening, I will take you to a scholar as you requested, so that you can
learn all that you want to from him.’ Having said that, Saud left to go to
his own workstation.

In the evening Saud took him to the scholar he had mentioned earlier in
the day. The scholar lived in a relatively obscure part of town in a small
but tastefully furnished house. The scholar a darkish but impressive
looking shook hands with Eman and then embraced him as was the
tradition when congratulating new comers to the faith. The men then
retired to the drawing room, which was simple but neat and tidy. The
most significant aspect, aside from the simplicity, was the number of
books in the room. As soon as the men sat down, a bearer entered the
room with a tray laden with tasty tidbits and refreshments.

The scholar, Dr Khursheed Asghar, and Eman Ali sat across from each
other. Eman kept his eyes glued to the learned man’s face while the man
directed the bearer in laying out the refreshments. The scholar seemed to
be entirely at peace, and seemed to have an endless amount of patience
and that had a great impact on Eman. The bearer finally left after serving
the refreshments. Over tea, Dr Khursheed Asghar finally addressed Eman
Ali.

  167  
With customary modesty that is so much a part of the local culture, the
learned doctor put Eman at ease by apologizing for the meager repast.
Eman, replied with customary formality, ‘You should not have taken the
trouble; a cup of tea would have sufficed.’

The formalities continued, ‘This repast is not enough for a person who
has come to visit and from whom I hope to gain much in knowledge.’
Dr Khursheed continued to make Eman feel at ease. Eman was surprised
by the modesty and humility displayed by the learned man; and he turned
to Saud impressed by the sentiments of humility and modesty that doctor
Khursheed displayed.

Dr Khursheed now came to the point, ‘I believe you have changed from
Daniel Edgar to Eman Ali for the sake of a woman. I would love to meet
this woman. To tell you the truth, there are very few women for whom
men are willing to adopt the Muslim faith.’ Before Eman Ali could
comment, the scholar continued, ‘Are you aware of of what is entailed by
the path you have chosen to follow?’ he questioned Eman.

Eman replied simply, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The scholar smiled. Eman

continued, ‘I had three options and I believe I have selected the most
suitable option. Where the road leads, I don’t know, I have come to you
to understand the directions and the destination the option will take me
to.’

‘The path you have chosen is one of trials an tribulations. Do you

understand what I mean by trials and tribulations?’ the scholar asked.

Eman only shook his head in the negative. The scholar continued, ‘The
reason you do not realize the nature of trials is because you have never
been a strong adherent of any faith. However, you will now begin to
understand the true demands faith places on an adherent. It is only then
that you will decide whether you have the steadfastness to remain a true
adherent. I suggest you come to me at this time every day. I will try to
educate you on the tenets of the faith. As for the love for the faith, only
Allah will guide you to acquire that if you really want to follow the
chosen path,’ Dr. Khursheed explained this with an enigmatic smile.

The first session of induction into the faith lasted a good two hours. The
scholar explained a lot of the basic concepts and tenets of Islam to Eman.

  168  
At the end of the session he gave Eman some books to study. By the end
of the evening, Eman seemed to be at peace when he left Dr Khursheed.
At night, just as he was falling asleep he remembered the supplication
made during the night prayer.

The supplication he recited went something like this, ‘Oh Allah! When a
person is seeking something, he turns to you and your teachings. My love
for a woman has brought me to this faith. And now that I have embraced
this faith, I beseech you in my first prayer as a Muslim, to make me
steadfast in faith and grant me my desire. If I am sincere, I pray to you to
make it possible for me to be successful in securing the hand of the
woman I love. This is the first prayer of my life as a Muslim and I
beseech you on bended knees. I am certain that I will not be spurned and
my desire will be fulfilled and that I will be granted my heart’s desire.’

While reciting the supplication, Eman had his eyes closed. As he ended
it, he opened his eyes he reassured himself with confidence that his
prayer would be answered, and then he closed his eyes and fell fast
asleep.

*********************

The next day Saud had some preliminary information for Eman Ali.
‘Umeed is the daughter of the late Major Alam. She comes from
Rawalpindi and has a sister and two brothers. She is still staying at the
hostel; and oh yes, she’s single.’ Along with this information, Saud also
produced the Rawalpindi phone number and address for Eman Ali.

‘But the gatekeeper said she no longer resides at the hostel; why would
he do that?’ Eman was surprised at the deliberate distortion of the truth.

‘True, the gatekeeper must have told an untruth and may be Umeed
herself asked him to do so,’ Saud reasoned.

‘So, what do I do now?’ Eman seemed so helpless.

Saud reassured him and said, ‘I’m seeking an intermediary who will
carry your proposal of marriage to her family.’

‘But how will you do that?’ Eman wanted to know.

  169  
‘Don’t fret; I’ll find a way,’ Saud said confidently.

Eman had no idea how Saud would approach Umeed’s family. He had
just put the entire problem into Saud’s lap and was awaiting the results.
Eman continued his daily visits to Dr Khursheed. Eman was quite
accustomed to having discussions with scholarly persons. During his
Harvard days too, he often met eminent professionals and scholars and
some of his professors had also had a great impact on his learning and
development. However, none had impressed him the way Dr Khursheed
did.

This eminent scholar from a small and insignificant third world country,
impressed him like no one had ever done so.. Dr Khursheed was indeed a
versatile person. He spoke Urdu, English and Arabic with fluency. But
what surprised Eman the most was when in the course of a discussion,
Eman spontaneously responded in German. Dr Khursheed responded in
to his argument in fluent German.

‘You speak German?’ Eman asked, quite surprised.

‘Like you, I too am multilingual,’ Dr. Khursheed replied tranquilly. From

that day onwards, the two often conversed and discussed things in
German. In addition to languages, Dr Khursheed had a vast repertoire of
logical and reasoning skills; he had great persuasive strategies and an
amazing ability to convince those he talked to.

Dr Khursheed had a thorough grasp on world religions aside from Islam.

Therefore he could understand Eman’s difficulties and like an expert
weaver, he would undo the knots of uncertainty that plagued Eman.
Untying the knots helped him unravel the mysteries and problems and
helped him get a better understanding of his teachings. Sometimes Dr
Khursheed used such powerfully convincing arguments that Eman was
left speechless. At such times, he would praise the learned scholar.

Dr Khursheed was modest about his abilities and said, ‘No argument can
leave one speechless unless it is strong and powerful and logical. Islam is
based on logical conclusions. Even an illiterate Muslim can provide
convincing arguments if he is well-versed in the Quran because that is
where we get our knowledge from. The Quran is the word of God,

  170  
delivered by the Prophet of God and it contains the message from God
therefore how can such a divine source be faulty? Man has no choice but
to believe.’

The more Eman talked with Dr Khursheed, the clearer his ideas seemed
to get. In fact the doubts that were clouding his vision began to clear up.

Dr Khursheed explained to him, ‘There are two kinds of soil. One is

infertile. No matter how much you water it, nothing will ever grow there.
The other is fertile soil. Even a small amount of water will cause the soil
to produce foliage. But even the foliage that blossoms has to be of the
useful kind, because foliage also includes poisonous herbs and thorny
bushes. If care is not lavished on the plantation, the green fields will be
taken over by fast growing poisonous and leeching herbage. Therefore,
it’s not just watering the fields that is important but also how the fertility
of the soil is exploited. Similarly, the human mind and soul is blessed
with fertility for the planting of good ideas and thoughts. It is the
responsibility of man to nurture its development and rid it of toxins that
poison the soul. You must nurture the new set of beliefs and ideas that
are taking root in the newly ploughed field that is the result of embracing
of Islam. I have great confidence in you and I am sure you will be
successful.’

Eman was surprised at the amount of confidence and faith the learned
man had in him. By the way, Eman was not the only converted foreigner
of western origin who was seeking guidance from Dr Khursheed; the
scholar introduced them all to each other so that they would be a source
of support for each other. Eman now began to experience a new pleasure
in life. The kind of pleasure that comes from the confidence that
existence is meaningful. This new experience brought a great change in
the way he viewed life and life’s events, and every experience now
seemed so much more worthwhile than before he became religiously
inclined.

‘I did believe in God, and also accepted that all religions are from God;
but I never understood the value of religion in life. No belief system
impressed me enough for me to want to adopt it wholeheartedly. Not
being an adherent of any faith didn’t seem to bother me at all, nor did I
feel I was missing anything. I never experienced trials that frustrated me
enough to seek divine intervention, and life has always continued

  171  
smoothly for me. Therefore I never needed religion,’ Eman explained his
attitude towards life and religion to Dr Khursheed.

Dr Khursheed listened attentively and smiled calmly before he replied.

‘You have been fortunate that you have always followed the path of good
rather than of evil. You are also lucky that you didn’t have to face trials
and tribulations. Therefore, you thought that believing in the existence of
God and being tolerant towards all religions was enough for you. But just
because you have not faced trials does not mean you will never encounter
difficulties. You only understand the true value of religious belief when
you are faced with circumstances that cause untold distress and you have
nowhere to turn to. Such tribulations are like whirlpools that pull you
down and the harder you struggle, the more easily you seem to sink. At
such times you need something to hold on to; a strong rope and a strong
arm to help you come out of the whirlpool. The rope and the hand that
rescues you in such situations are religion and faith. A drowned body will
come up and float, but one drawn into an eddy will be lost; not even his
corpse will be found. But the man who is rescued from a whirlpool
emerges strong and courageous and will never be afraid of another
whirlpool. He will always be confident that help is at hand. Now look at
yourself; you have finally joined the ranks of those who are courageous
and bold because you are confident that help is at hand.’

Eman enjoyed his visits to Dr Khursheed. He returned home invigorated

and enthusiastic. He felt he was learning a lot and that it was all
meaningful and relevant to life in general and particularly to his own lie.
He was highly motivated and the visits became the highlight of his
evenings.

*********************

Saud Irtiza had relied on the goodwill of his family to approach Umeed’s
family and request her hand in marriage for Eman. The family requested
a few days to consider the matter. They finally turned the proposal down.
Repeated requests to reconsider were also turned down much to Saud’s
frustration. Saud conveyed the news to Eman. Eman was extremely
disturbed and frustrated.

‘Can’t you think of some other way?’ Eman said to Saud in desperation.

  172  
‘I do know some others who may be more persuasive. Let me give it a
shot.’ Saud said. However, it was quite obvious from his manner that he
was not very hopeful.

Eman continued his studies with Dr. Khursheed despite the fact that he
was really distressed. Dr. Khursheed knew him well enough by now, and
quickly detected that Eman was disturbed about something. He was able
to persuade Eman Ali to talk about his distress and Eman unburdened his
soul to the scholar.

Dr Khursheed listened attentively and then asked, “How much do you

love this woman?”

‘I don’t know but….’

Dr Khursheed interrupted and said, ‘But you do love her,’ he thus

completed Eman’s incomplete utterance. Dr Khursheed reminded him,
‘You said you had prayed that your feelings and sentiments be
reciprocated; now implore before Allah, that if marriage with this woman
is right for you then let it be done because only reciprocation of love is
not the answer. When you have made the prayer and entrusted the affair
to Allah, you must wait patiently. He will find a way for you.’

‘But I can’t live without Umeed!’ Eman exclaimed.

‘You cannot exist without faith and you do have faith,’ Dr Khursheed
replied.

‘You don’t seem to understand; I don’t know what to say to you. I can’t
seem to explain my plight to you.’ Eman was all flustered. He had
expected a ready made answer, instead all he was told was that he should
wait patiently.

‘If you can’t find the words to say what you want to say, it is better to
rethink and then state your ideas. This will help you clear your mind and
gain better control over what you want to convey,’ Dr Khursheed tried to
help him clear his mind.

  173  
‘I can’t live without her. I love her more than life itself. My very
existence becomes meaningless without her,’ Eman explained more
eloquently.

‘No one is indispensable. You can live without a person, even if it is but
for a short while, but you can’t live without God and his power.’Eman
was not convinced but he kept quiet and listened while Dr Khursheed
continued to expound.

‘A thirsty man believes he is going to die without water. But the moment
he is provided even with a small amount of water, his mind turns to other
issues. He forgets that just a few moments ago he felt he would die of
thirst.’

Eman looked up amazed at the insight of the statement, but he was not
totally convinced. He said, ‘But people do die of thirst…’

‘No, they die at their appointed hour, the lack of water is only an excuse
because God has willed the cause of their death. But in life, we have
made so many things as important as water to us and we thirst for so
much; this thirst of ours is unquenchable and therefore we feel near death
due to our deprivations.’

‘Are you trying to say that I should not love her? How is that possible?’
Eman asked in confusion.

‘Love her by all means, but do not become so desirous of the culmination
of your desires to such a great extent that it becomes all important for
you. Remember, if you are fated to be joined in marriage with this
woman, you will be. But if you allow your desires and dreams to become
all consuming, they will erode your faith. For the attainment of your
dream of marriage you have tried, and are trying to convince the woman,
plus you have also prayed to God. Now is the time to have patience and
trust in Him. Getting distressed, spending sleepless nights, chasing after
mirages; none of these actions will help you obtain your desire.’

That night Eman lay wide awake pondering over what Dr Khursheed had
said. Finally, when he was exhausted he told himself helplessly, ‘But I
can’t live without Umeed, she means everything to me.’ .

  174  
A month passed since he had lost sight of Umeed. Saud kept trying to
ease the way for Eman, but had not been successful in doing so. And
Eman could not overcome the feelings of hopelessness and depression
that he seemed to be steeped in. He obtained a little relief and distraction
during his daily interactions with Dr Khursheed, but when he returned
home, he would again lapse into brooding about Umeed.

And so matters stood. That particular day too as per his routine he paid
his daily visit to Dr Khursheed. He had been there a mere half hour and
the scholar looked at his watch. Eman was a little surprised because this
was so out of character with the scholar. Then Dr Khursheed smilingly
said, ‘I’m going to introduce you to someone, and I’m certain you will be
very happy to meet with this person.’

Eman was intrigued, but the scholar would tell him no more. Eman had
to be patient for another ten minutes. The bell rang and a member of the
domestic staff led a female into the room. Eman took one look at her and
spontaneously stood up in surprise. Umeed glanced at him and then
turned all her attention to Dr Khursheed. The scholar greeted her and
welcomed her warmly. Eman couldn’t believe his eyes and his heart beat
in his ears. Umeed took a seat. Saying that the two needed no
introduction Dr Khursheed left the room telling the two of them to talk
things out. Eman and Umeed were left in the room, just the two of them.

‘Why do you want to marry me?’ Umeed asked in a rather aggressive

tone.

‘Because I love you,’ Eman replied simply and truthfully.

‘That is a ridiculous answer. You don’t know me, you’re a foreigner and
you and I don’t share the same faith.’ She quickly corrected herself, ‘I
mean, you have embraced Islam only because you want to marry me. It
doesn’t say much for you; anyone who converts for such a frivolous
reason cannot be depended upon.’

Eman replied, ‘I have not converted, I have acquired a faith. Prior to this,
I belonged to no faith’

‘Whatever! But I’m a staunch Muslim and to marry someone who has
recently embraced Islam is not an easy thing to do. I’m not a risk-taker;

  175  
and why should I take a risk for someone whom I don’t know; about
whom I have no information? No, I can not marry you.’ Umeed was
forthright in her refusal. Eman listened to her objections patiently and let
her continue. ‘How can one forget religion? The other things I may even
consider overlooking, but religion; never; it’s not possible.’

Eman said, ‘But I am from your faith. We are co-religionists.’

‘But you’re not a born Muslim. Your parents are not Muslim,’ Umeed
said.

‘However, I’ve become Muslim. I am a Muslim,’ Eman replied simply.

‘For how long?’

For the first time, Eman felt a degree of impatience with Umeed. ‘You
have no right to doubt me or voice aspersions about my intentions.’

‘People prefer to marry by choice. To hassle and hound someone is not

right; in any case, I don’t think I can make a decision about you,’ Umeed
replied flustered.

‘If you have a marriage proposal from another man who is more
acceptable to you, I will withdraw. But if the other option is not better
than me, then why not marry me? I’ve been in Pakistan for the last eight
years and if you prefer, I don’t mind settling here permanently.’

‘But I’m not sure that you have embraced Islam with sincerity or whether
this acceptance of the faith is just a game for you,’ Umeed persisted.

‘This is not something for which I can have any proof for you,’ Eman’s
tone suggested helplessness.

For a while both fell silent; each lost in contemplation. Finally Umeed
broke the silence and said, ‘What do you know about me? You know
nothing about me or my life.’

‘Then tell me,’ Eman told her.

  176  
She looked at him and said, ‘I was very young when I was engaged to a
man whom I loved very much. We were engaged for nine years. Then he
refused to marry me.’ As she spoke, she seemed to choke.

Eman looked at her and asked, ‘Why?’

‘Because I…’ she stopped. ‘The reason is not important; you are free to
draw your own conclusions; what’s important is that he refused to marry
me.’

‘That’s ok. I conclude that he didn’t marry you because you were
destined to marry me therefore your fiancé refused to marry you.’ Eman
was quite matter-of-fact in his reply.

He saw the agitation in her expression and then the two lapsed into
silence once again. This time the silence was broken by Dr Khursheed
who entered the room and asked, ‘What have the two of you decided?’
Neither answered..

‘Umeed, did you get a chance to talk to Eman Ali and ask him all the
questions that were bothering you?’ Dr. Khursheed probed gently.

‘Yes…but I have a set of conditions.’ Umeed replied. Eman looked up

and noticed that she seemed rather disturbed.

‘Has Eman Ali agreed to your conditions?’ Dr. Khursheed asked.

‘I haven’t disclosed them to him yet.’

‘I will unconditionally accept whatever conditions she puts up,’ Eman

remarked.

‘Please don’t make hasty decisions, first hear me out and understand my
conditions,’ Umeed retorted briskly. ‘Since he has already embraced
Islam, therefore, for one year he must learn about the religion and adhere
to the tenets of the faith. If for a year he follows Islamic practices and
proves to be a devout Muslim, then I will have no objections to marrying
him. My second condition is that for this one year, he does not have any
contact with me.’ Umeed was looking straight at Eman as she said this.

  177  
Dr Khursheed addressed Eman, ‘So, what do you have to say about the
two conditions that the lady has put up.’

‘I have already said that I accept any and every condition she puts forth,’
Eman appeared absolutely content and peaceful as he accepted the
conditions. ‘But can I safely assume that on fulfilling these conditions
you will marry me?’ This time he addressed Umeed.

‘Yes,’ Umeed replied. Then without a glance at him she stood up and Dr.
Khursheed escorted her out.

Eman couldn’t believe what had just transpired; it was a miracle! She had
actually sat with him and talked to him! He was so happy, and though he
couldn’t judge the extent of his happiness, he knew one thing; his
desperation and depression had vanished. ‘You have only asked me to
wait for a year, I can wait for you forever!’ he said to her in his thoughts.

Dr Khursheed returned and asked, ‘What do you think, Eman. Can you
last out a year?’

‘Yes, I can,’ Eman replied with a new confidence.

‘She wants you to develop a sustained interest in Islam as a religion,’ Dr

Khursheed explained.

‘No, she doesn’t. She expects that I will forget her in a year. She thinks
that if I don’t see her nor have any contact with her for a whole year, I
will forget her and lose interest in her. But she has no idea how much I
love her.’ Eman explained Umeed’s ruse to Dr Khursheed. He thanked
Dr Khursheed and left.

*********************

A year passed; how did it go? He did not know. But during that period,
Eman followed Dr Khursheed’s guidance to a T. He stopped the social
drinking which was so much a part of his life. He no longer flirted with
the women in the workplace, as was his normal practice. Every night he
visited Dr Khursheed as per the conditions imposed on him. He discussed
with the scholar the daily happenings in his life, and learned to observe
all the minor details of religion of which he was otherwise unaware of or

  178  
careless about. By nature a patient person, he became a stoic. His morals
improved and his whole personality changed for the better; to the extent
that he developed an awareness of the greatest blessing of all that he had
received; he had found faith. Not every Muslim finds faith; many of them
are Muslim because they are born Muslims. But he felt fortunate; he met
a woman who he fell in love with and she led him to embrace a faith he
came to appreciate. His regard for Umeed multiplied manifold; she was
his redeemer.

He hadn’t informed his parents about his adoption of the Muslim faith,
but he had informed them that he planned to marry a Pakistani Muslim
woman.

‘You’re going to marry a Muslim woman? Does that mean you plan to
convert to Islam?’ Patrick questioned his decision as though he were
afraid of the inevitable.

‘No, Dad; I’ll continue the way I am and she’ll continue in her own faith.
We have already reached a compromise on this issue.’ Eman reassured
his parents with a white lie for the time being because he did not want to
cause them any distress for now. They were both apprehensive about
Umeed and the kind of person she may turn out to be, but when they
expressed their apprehensions he was reassuring and they were soon
content.

One year to the day that had been imposed on him, Eman sent off a card
to Umeed at her address in Rawalpindi to remind her of her promise. The
same day Dr Khursheed approached Umeed’s brother to inform him that
Eman had fulfilled the conditions laid down for him.

Two days later, Umeed returned to Lahore and the two of them met at Dr
Khursheed’s house. He was as thrilled to see her as he had been when he
noticed her; she looked the same; he again saw before him the loveable
face and features that had etched themselves in his mind’s eye.

‘A year has passed; I am a devout and practicing Muslim. This proves

that my embracing the Islam was no façade. I have followed all the
practices including regular prayers and observing the obligatory fasting. I
have not indulged in the forbidden—I have stopped the social drinking I
used to do, nor do I have any relationship with any woman. In fact I have

  179  
broken up with the woman I was seeing on a regular basis. I have
completed reading the Quran and I am well aware of Islam and its
teachings. I have fulfilled my conditions now it’s your turn to fulfill your
promise.’ Eman said in a long speech to Umeed.

Three days later the couple took the marriage vows at a simple ceremony
held in Rawalpindi. The only guests Eman invited were Saud Irtiza and
Dr Khursheed, who also acted as witnesses on his behalf. As for Umeed,
she was adamant and the only participants were her own family.

Eman was really happy the day he got married and the memory of his
elation remained with him for long afterwards. Overcome with joy, he
shared with Umeed the entire story of how he fell in love with her, how
he continued visiting the fast food outlet only to be near her and he
showed her all the sketches he had made of her while he sat at the table in
the diner. Umeed could only look at him in amazement while he revealed
all, then her eyes teared up and she bent her head to hide her tears.

He tried to ask her the reason for her tears but she remained silent, and he
felt a little hurt because he had bared his soul to her and she did not
reciprocate. ‘Are you unhappy that you married me?’ he finally asked.

‘I don’t know; I just can’t seem to wholeheartedly believe in you; I feel

it’s all a sham!’ she looked at him with tears streaming down her face.
Eman was speechless; he didn’t know what to say or do; he had no words
and no answers to her insecurities.

*********************

A week later the couple went to Germany to meet his parents. The day
before their departure, Eman told Umeed, ‘I haven’t disclosed to my
parents that I have embraced Islam. It would have been too much of a
shock for them. I will inform them in the near future, I request that you
continue with this charade for the time being.’

He was rather surprised that Umeed had raised no objections as was her
want. He heaved a sigh of relief. He realized that even though Umeed
was a reluctant spouse, her attitude wasn’t quite as bad as he had
expected it to be. She looked after his creature comforts and did all the
wifely chores that are normally done by eastern women. She talked and

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laughed with him but often, in the middle of a conversation, she seemed
to lapse into a trance and once in that state, she became quiet and taciturn
and nothing could breach that state she went into. However, Eman felt it
was just a phase and he wasn’t unduly concerned about it. He consoled
himself, ‘As time passes and she develops confidence in me and my
feelings towards her, she will start to love me and she will lose her
insecurities too.’

Once they arrived in Germany, Eman began to feel confident that he

could deal with Umeed and her insecurities. He felt he was right in
expecting that with time the relationship would mature and they would
develop strong bonds of rapport, confidence, love and understanding. The
two weeks in Germany were good. To begin with, Umeed managed to
enchant Sybil and Patrick. In addition, the couple seemed to be moving
closer together on an emotional level; in fact Eman felt the beginnings of
a growing rapport between them; a relationship based on mutual
confidence and understanding. Eman talked endlessly; he told her all
about his childhood and the places he had lived in; about his return to the
USA and the feeling of being a misfit; he told her all and held nothing
back. His parents arranged a social event so that they could introduce
Umeed to their family and friends and Umeed made a great impression
on every one.

Time passed quickly and it was nearing the time to return home. Two
days before their departure, a minor incident sent Umeed into her shell
again and she remained encased in it for a long time. The incident
occurred at the shopping mall. Eman and Umeed had gone shopping to
one of the malls. Umeed was still browsing while Eman went to the
counter to pay for the purchases. While the transaction was being
processed, he espied a cousin walking past the store. He paid and
spontaneously rushed out of the store to meet his cousin who had by now
moved on quite a ways. The crowd impeded his progress therefore it took
him longer than he thought it would. He had a word with his cousin and
informed him about his departure, then rushed back to the store where he
had left Umeed browsing amongst the racks.

But he couldn’t find her in the store. The sales girl informed him that
Umeed had left in search of him. Worried he stepped out of the store but
she was nowhere in sight. He waited for a while, expecting her to return
to the store, but to no avail. He was really concerned now. He was

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anxious and didn’t know whether to continue waiting or go off in search
of her. He went back into the store and requested the sales girl to ask
Umeed to wait right there in case she returned to the store. He then set off
in search to try and find her.

He regretted his impulsiveness in leaving her alone for that time. His real
cause of worry was that Umeed did not speak a word of German, and that
not only was she new to the country, she had little travel experience. He
wasn’t even sure whether she knew the address of his parent’s home. He
was really upset.

Suddenly he became aware of the announcement on the public address

system in the mall and he rushed headlong to the administration office as
advised. He entered the office, saw Umeed sitting and rushed towards her
in relief. But he was shocked at her reaction. She pushed him away and
started screaming at him.

‘Don’t come near me! I don’t ever want to see your face again!’ she
yelled. ‘Is that why you brought me here so you could abandon me?’
Eman was taken aback at her screaming and hysterics.

‘I knew you were not to be trusted!’ Umeed continued ranting and raving
at him. ‘I knew you would leave me! I knew you were not sincere! I
knew you would defraud me in some way or the other! I should never
have married you! I made the biggest mistake of my life when I married
you!’

She was completely hysterical; she broke down and burst into tears. The
administration officers were quite shocked at the event but they couldn’t
follow the conversation that was taking place in Urdu.

Eman was embarrassed by the display of emotions, and tried to coax

Umeed, ‘Let’s go out and talk this over,’ he said to her gently as he
approached her and held her arm.

But she jerked her arm away and screamed, ‘I don’t want to go with you.
I want to go to Pakistan now!’ Crying, she collapsed back into the chair
she had just vacated.

  182  
For two hours he sat there apologizing and comforting her, but then he
too lost patience with her and yelled, ‘I’m not the man you were engaged
to who abandoned you! I’m me; I’m your husband!’

Umeed immediately quietened down and meekly followed him out of the
administration office and out of the mall. On the way to the parking lot,
he explained his impulsive behavior and apologized to her yet again. But
Umeed had withdrawn into silence, and in their last two days in
Germany, she remained silent and withdrawn, lost in her own world and
thoughts.

On their return, he tried to cajole her out of her withdrawn state, he

apologized repeatedly, but Umeed remained steadfast in her silence.
On their return, she went off to Rawalpindi to see her family, while he
stayed on at home in Lahore, and returned to his routine of work and
visits to Dr Khursheed.

He told the scholar all that had transpired and the scholar said, “A
Muslim man is required to be gentle and patient with his wife. You
continue being loving and gentle, she will gain confidence in your love
and affection and recover. Don’t forget, this is the woman you wanted,
now that she throws small tantrums, you are upset! Don’t worry, it will
all work out for you,’ he advised Eman.

Eman was mollified and smiled as he said, ‘These are not small tantrums;
she throws big tantrums.’

Dr Khursheed laughed and said, ‘When she falls in love with you, she
will stop throwing tantrums. After all, it’s only a short time since the two
of you have gotten married. Wait; give it a chance; she will settle down.’

Eman calmed down after his visit to the scholar and after a week he went
to Rawalpindi to fetch Umeed. Umeed was her normal pleasant self, as
though there had been no unpleasantness between them. Eman was
thankful for the return to normalcy and heaved a sigh of relief.

The couple returned to Lahore and resumed their routine. On the whole
Umeed was a pleasing companion. But when she fell into one of her
moods, life would become difficult for Eman. At such times she was rude
and venomous. Despite this condition, Eman did not regret marrying her

  183  
because she gave meaning to his life. He seemed to have acquired a
stability that was lacking in his life and he developed an inner strength
that he hadn’t had before. Therefore, he bore her bad humor with a
fortitude that was unusual.

In one of her phases of such moods Umeed lashed out at him and said,
‘You know I don’t love you, don’t you? I have married you but it is a
marriage of endurance; a marriage to get through life. Everyone needs a
nest and I have that with you, that’s why I married you but I don’t love
you.’

‘I know that you don’t love me, you don’t need to tell me what I know!’
Eman replied with patience.

‘Of course I need to tell you that I don’t …’

But Eman interrupted her and said, ‘…..love you. But that’s ok; I’m not
demanding love from you.’ Umeed stared at him as he continued, ‘You
only say that because you have been fortunate and have been showered
with love. If you had not been showered with love, you would have
known what it feels like to be unloved.’

‘But I haven’t received love,’ Umeed said sadly.

Eman understood only too well what and who she was referring to.
Though he was upset at her remarks, and it showed in the flush that
spread on his face, he quickly gained control on his anger and said, ‘But I
do love you.’

‘Don’t! You don’t need to love me! I haven’t asked for your love,’
Umeed retorted with indifference.

‘You know it’s not possible for me to not love you,’ Eman replied before
he got up and walked away and Umeed once again lapsed into her trance.

He continued his regular visits to Dr Khursheed because the scholar was

a source of inspiration for Eman. They shared a rare form of
communication. At times, Eman didn’t even have to tell him how he felt.
The scholar was uncannily perceptive and knew how to lighten the
burden for Eman.

  184  
Eman’s growing interest in religion and spirituality was also due to the
fact that he gained inspiration and solace from it. He now regularly set
aside the time after the night prayer to study the Quran in his study. The
night prayer he was very particular about because that was the time he
could rightly devote to his own interests. At times he spontaneously
quoted from the Quran, and he was aware that at such times Umeed
regarded him rather strangely, but he only smiled because he knew
Umeed suspected him of trickery and deceit.

*********************

A few months into the marriage, they realized that Umeed had conceived
and was expecting their child. Umeed was extremely thrilled and excited
and not only that, there was a drastic change in her attitude and behavior.
She became calm and contented. Gone were the anguish, anxiety and
bitterness from her attitude towards Eman and towards life in general.
She paid more attention to her husband and displayed an unusual caring
attitude towards him and his needs.

Umeed often initiated conversations regarding the forthcoming addition

to the family. Like any other couple, they made and shared plans for the
baby and the future. Eman was quite amazed at this unexpected change in
her, but reveled in it nonetheless. He, himself was so excited that he
informed his parents as soon as they were sure of the result of the test.
Sybil and Patrick were thrilled; they had long waited to become
grandparents and Sybil often called and talked to Umeed about the
pregnancy and offered advice on mother and childcare. Eman was
relieved; he felt that Umeed had finally laid the ghost of her broken
engagement to rest.

As a celebration treat, Eman took Umeed out to dinner at a fine dining

restaurant located at the PC Hotel in Lahore. The hotel was the famed
hangout of the elite and upper-class of Lahore. They had a wonderful
meal and a pleasant evening and were leaving the hotel quite relaxed.
Suddenly he realized that Umeed was standing immobile like a statue and
was staring at a couple entering the hotel lobby. She visibly paled as
though the blood from her entire body had drained out. Eman was
shocked to see this change in her. As the couple approached the entrance,
he noticed the man glance at Umeed, stiffen and then quickly recover and
carry on.

  185  
Umeed turned round and watched his progress as he disappeared into the
hotel lobby along with his companion. This moment was Umeed’s
undoing and Eman realized that she was beginning to drift back into her
trance like state. The couple had disappeared but Umeed stood there
staring with a vacant expression as though trying to determine where they
had vanished to. Eman placed his hand gently on her shoulder and said,
‘Jehanzeb?’ in a questioning tone.

Umeed returned to reality and nodded her head in affirmation to his

question. For a moment Eman’s blood boiled; this woman was his wife;
she was carrying his child; and yet she hankered for a man who had
betrayed and abandoned her years ago. The mere presence of the man
from her past had such a profound effect on her that she lost all
awareness of people and happenings around her. Eman managed to
maintain control of his anger and headed towards the car park, leaving
Umeed to follow slowly behind.

On the drive home, neither of them spoke. When they got home, Eman
hurried into his room, he changed quickly and came and stood in front of
the mirror of the dressing table brushing his hair. In the reflection of the
mirror he saw Umeed approach him and place her hand on his arm.

Umeed started to say, ‘Eman…actually I…...’ She seemed to be

apologizing or clarifying something. Whatever the case, Eman brushed
her hand off his arm and retorted, ‘I’m going into my study, I have some
things to take care of.’ Though he tried to maintain his usual tone, but the
bitterness came through.

‘But I need to talk to you.’

‘Umeed, I’m sorry, but at the moment I don’t want to talk to you about
anything…please don’t try to talk to me now ….don’t try to tell me
anything at this time,’ Eman said desperately trying to keep the
unpleasantness out of his voice.

He quickly walked out of the room and into the study. As per his normal
routine, he first attended to the night prayer and then sat down at the
computer to work. However, he was still so disturbed that he found it
difficult to concentrate on his work.

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About an hour later he heard the study door open but he didn’t turn
round. Umeed came into the room and sat down, but Eman ignored her
and continued working.

‘Eman, you are upset and overreacting to a small incident.’

‘I’m not upset,’ he replied.

‘Then why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you talking to me?’

‘I am talking to you,’ he replied shortly.

‘Not the way you talk to me normally.’

‘I’m busy, let me work.’ He kept his eyes glued to the keyboard and
monitor.

‘I’ve come to apologize,’ Umeed said.

‘You don’t need to,’ he replied indifferently.

‘Why are you behaving this way?’ She retorted frustrated.

‘I’m not doing anything except trying to be patient.’

‘What are you being patient about?’ she asked puzzled.

‘You know what I’m talking about.’

‘So, I am apologizing.’ She was vexed.

“What’s the point of apologizing when you know that you will
continuing doing wrong; why are you doing it? Why do you persist in
your mistakes? You are still hankering after a man who ditched you after
being engaged to you for nine years. Why are you still hung up on him?
Why do you keep thinking about him and longing for him? The man
betrayed you.’

‘He didn’t betray me; I betrayed him. He didn’t leave me, I left him.’
Umeed was vehement in her own defense.

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At first Eman was shocked, but he regained his composure and said,
‘Why did you leave him?’ he could hear his own voice asking from far
away, as though from a deep ravine.

‘Because I couldn’t fulfill his demands,’ Umeed replied

“What were his demands? Pray let me know?’ he asked. He saw Umeed
hesitate so he repeated his question.

Nothing had ever puzzled her nor caused her so much anguish as she
related the events of her relationship with Jehanzeb, haltingly and in
detail; how she had refused to go out with Jehanzeb. How she stood
steadfast for her principles, despite feeling a sense of obligation to him
for all his favors and all the help that she had solicited at the time of her
father’s death and after. How she refused to succumb to him and how she
developed a superiority complex about herself and her steadfastness. She
confessed all, with tears flowing down her face, and Eman listened
attentively while she unburdened herself. He wondered at the strength of
this woman, and despite all her faults, applauded her for her courage
because she had overcome temptation and strangled her desires for the
sake of the teachings of her faith. She had not fallen prey to pressure but
had stood up for what she believed in. Eman felt a sense of pride in being
married to this woman who had sacrificed her happiness for the sake of
her religious beliefs.

‘You did the right thing,’ he finally said. ‘You behaved correctly and you
should have no regrets. The price he was asking for his favors was too
high; I’m proud of you that you managed to stand steadfast and strong
against his threats and warnings. If in return for favors one is asked to
sin, the only recourse is to spurn the proposal the way you did. Your
friends were wrong in enticing you and in blaming you for the break up.
You are fortunate you gained freedom from a selfish man; a man so
selfish that he was not content to sin alone but would have dragged you
down into the pits of hell with him. I am amazed at the audacity of your
friends their ignorance in trying to persuade you to succumb to his unjust
demands. I can’t believe that these people were encouraging you to
indulge in lewd behavior that Islam strongly forbids and recommends the
punishment of stoning to death for this kind of behavior. You chose your

  188  
faith and its teachings over love; you did the right thing,’ Eman lauded
her for her principles and embraced her gently.

‘But why does he continue to haunt me? Why can’t I erase his memories
from my mind?’ She was crying uncontrollably and hysterically as
though pleading for help.

‘Just keep trying; eventually you will forget him.’

‘I’m trying, but I don’t know what happens to me; maybe I need some
kind of help, maybe I need medical help to overcome my insecurities of
the past; especially now, when I’m carrying your child and I want to start
life anew.’

She seemed so helpless and so disturbed in her plea for help. He finally
managed to calm her down with a tranquilizer and put her to bed. But he
remained awake long after she had fallen asleep. He pondered over her
confession and tried to imagine the emotional strains she had been put
through at such a young age.

*********************

A few days after the incident, Dr Khursheed advised Eman that since he
was soon to be a father, it would be best if he were to declare his
conversion and get his papers changed into his new name— he needed to
undergo a declaration procedure that would allow him to become Eman
Ali instead of Daniel Edgar. Eman himself had been considering this
because he to felt it made sense to undergo all the changes before the
baby was born, rather than create complications after the birth of the
child.

Eman began the procedure by providing in writing a declaration of his

change of religion and name to the company’s senior management. It was
a great shock for the company and the promotion he was scheduled for
and well deserved, was held in abeyance. Eman had expected this to
happen, so he wasn’t surprised. The company regional head had held a
special meeting with him and conveyed to him that his change of name
and faith would affect his loyalties towards the company. Eman didn’t
need to be told of this because he was aware that the company was
financially backed by Jewish American financers and that they would not

  189  
allow a Muslim to hold such a sensitive and high position in the
company. Therefore, rather than continuing to work at the existing
position, Eman preferred to resign. He felt he was entitled to the
promotion and that he deserved it and holding it back was a violation of
his rights. After he resigned, he started applying to other multi
national companies.
He had not informed Umeed about this turn of events. In her delicate
physical and emotional condition he did not think it wise to add to her
distress, in fact, in this particular situation, he felt ignorance was bliss as
far as Umeed was concerned. His next step involved visiting his parents
in Germany and informing them of the change he had initiated and then
proceeding to the USA for interviews with prospective employers.
However, in his desire to protect Umeed, he only told her that he was
proceeding to Germany on company business. Initially he had thought he
would apply for a USA visa while he was in Germany since he was a
German citizen. However, before he left Pakistan, he received
information that a close friend had passed away in the USA. He changed
his plans and decided to attend the funeral in America and then proceed
to Germany. Therefore, he applied for an American visa in Pakistan on
compassionate grounds in order to attend the funeral of the friend. The
visa was granted, and he prepared for departure.

However, he had to change plans once again for when he spoke to his
parents; before he had actually confirmed his reservations, they expressed
the desire to participate in the funeral too. Therefore, Eman again
changed his plans. He decided to go to Germany, inform his parents
about his conversion to Islam, accompany them to America to attend the
funeral and appear for the interviews as planned. The fact that he ran into
his colleague, his former secretary and former girlfriend, Samantha, at
the airport was a mere coincidence. She had resigned her position in
Pakistan and was returning home and the two happened to be on the same
flight.

Eman’s parents were shocked to hear about his conversion and change of
name. They expected him to either adopt Christianity or Judaism; but
never in their wildest dreams did they imagine that he would embrace
Islam. He had made his declaration at a family social and his parents
were both embarrassed and upset, especially Patrick—he was grief
stricken and angry. Patrick felt he had lost face because he, an upright
Jew of high standing in the community, had a son who had adopted the

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Muslim faith out of choice. The Jewish community prevailed upon
Patrick to persuade his son to renounce the Muslim faith and rejoin the
folds of the Jewish community and barring that, he must publicly disown
his son. Sybil and Patrick tried their utmost to convince Eman to revert to
his earlier stance; they used all the strategies they could include
emotional blackmail, but Eman stood steadfast in his decision. They
realized that Eman had bought them the new house to soften the impact
of his conversion, hoping that they would not oppose his decision too
strongly. But his parents were not prepared to yield even an inch and the
situation became an impasse.

His parents finally gave him an ultimatum— either he revert back from
being a Muslim or break off all ties with them. This was a painful
decision for him, even though he had half expected it. When buying them
the house, he thought that this was probably the last gift he would be able
to give his parents. Being an only child, he was very attached to them,
and they to him and he realized that the decision would hurt them too.
But he had no choice; he could not abandon his faith—the faith that
brought him solace and helped him become a better person. Thus he had
no choice but to say goodbye to his parents with a heavy heart. On the
flight to America he was extremely distressed and depressed, but the
decision had been made.

In America he appeared for the scheduled job interviews and was hopeful
he would find something soon. One evening he decided to walk to the
open mall near his hotel. He didn’t realize he was being followed by a
group of muggers. The muggers intercepted him and at gunpoint asked
him to empty his pockets. When he resisted, they turned violent and beat
him up, hitting him on the back of his head with the butt of the gun. He
was so badly hurt he passed out. The muggers emptied his pockets and
left.

A week later, he regained consciousness in the hospital. He had nothing

on him to identify him, so he remained unknown and unidentified for the
duration of the week he was unconscious. Even when he came to, he was
unable to provide any information about himself. It took him a while to
overcome the temporary memory loss but decided it was not worthwhile
informing Umeed about the accident because she would worry
unnecessarily and he did not want to bother her because of her fragile
emotional state. Once he was discharged from the hospital, he called

  191  
Umeed but found that she had gone to Rawalpindi to be with her family.
He knew she was safe so he didn’t call her. He stayed on for a few days
to regain strength and during this time he received two job offers.
Satisfied and stronger now, he decided to return to Pakistan.

In Rawalpindi he was shocked at Umeed’s attitude of indifference. The

shock soon changed to worry. He was aware that the fact that he had
failed to retain contact would upset her, but he had not expected this kind
of silent treatment. He wanted to tell her all that had transpired, but she
was not prepared to listen.

*********************

They returned to Lahore, but Umeed remained aloof and unapproachable.

He finally left home to attend to some personal chores. He expressly
instructed the gatekeeper to wait until he returned, but when he did, he
had to honk repeatedly before Umeed opened the gate for him. On
inquiry she told him that the gatekeeper had to rush off due to a family
emergency. When he entered the house, he was surprised that the
houseman was not there either. Eman had instructed him not to await his
return. Umeed informed Eman that she had let him go because there was
no reason for him to hang around. Eman found all this rather unusual but
remained silent. In the room, he saw that the gifts he had brought her
lying scattered on the ground. Though upset he maintained his peace; he
picked up the gifts and took them into the dressing room.

That night, as per his normal routine, he reached into the nightstand to
check the gun, but it was not there in its usual place. He looked in all the
likely places but did not find the gun. He thought Umeed must have
moved it; but when he asked her she professed ignorance. This he found
alarming and he began a detailed and thorough search for the missing
gun. He searched high and low, but there was no sign of the gun. He was
really upset now and Umeed’s unconcern for the missing gun irritated
him no end.

He tried to get her involved in the search by stressing the importance of

the weapon, but she was unmoved; what is more she picked an
unnecessary fight with him. She accused him of being a liar, a fraud and
a sinner. He was hurt that she was hurling accusations at him despite the

  192  
fact that he had given up his entire life, his everything to return to
Pakistan and to her. He had started a new life with her and had erased his
past only because he did not want her and their child to suffer. He failed
realize in the depth of Umeed’s anger and disgust. He retaliated a bit,
tried to explain what had transpired during his trip, but her rising anger
and hysteria caused him to retreat because he understood the delicacy of
her condition and thought it wise not to agitate her further.

His sixth sense alerted him to danger; the circumstances were too
coincidental— the missing gun, the emergency that the gatekeeper had to
attend to at home, the absence of the house staff— all pointed to a
planned course of action. He immediately called up a security agency he
knew of and asked them to send over a guard. Next he used the intercom
to summon the bearer back to the house and questioned him about the
missing gun. The man knew nothing about it causing Eman further
distress. Nevertheless, he sent the man away again. When the security
guard assumed his position, Eman carefully checked the house for any
unusual details before he locked all the doors and ensured that all the
windows were appropriately closed and locked.

Having checked that the house was now securely locked, Eman then went
into the kitchen and had something to eat. It was time for the night
prayer, and Eman retired to the study as was his routine. For a while he
sat in the study recalling the events of the day. He was particularly
disturbed by Umeed’s attitude because it hurt and discouraged him
greatly. In order to divert his mind from the looming issues, he opened up
the English translation of the Quran and began reading it. After a short
while, he closed it and decided to reshelf the volume.

In the shelf he noticed the books Dr Khursheed had lent him and which
he hadn’t read. After returning the volume to its place, he removed one of
the scholar’s books and as he did so he was surprised to se the gun lying
in the space where he had removed the book. He couldn’t understand
how the gun had gotten there. He returned the book to its place after
removing the gun. He checked the chamber and found that the gun was
loaded as usual, but the safety catch had been released, which was not
usual. He took the gun and sat down behind his desk. He emptied the
chamber. He thought maybe Umeed had used the study and brought the
gun with her for her security; but how did the gun get behind the books?

  193  
Did Umeed place it there and forget? Or had a member of the house staff
done so? But why? He was puzzled by his discovery.

He put the bullets into the drawer and left the gun on the table. It was
time for the night prayer, and he thought he would reload the gun after
prayers and return it to its usual place. He laid out the prayer mat in the
corner and started praying.

While praying he became aware that someone had entered the room. He
was a bit surprised because he thought that Umeed would have gone to
bed by now. He completed the prayer he was offering then turned around
and asked her if she needed something. She said she needed to talk to
him urgently. He wondered what remained to be said and asked her to
wait until he completed the whole set of prayers.

He completed the prayers, stood up and turned around and froze. Umeed
had picked up the gun and stood there pointing it at him. He saw her pull
the trigger, and everything fell into place, as though he had found the
missing piece so vital to completing the jigsaw puzzle. The entire
sequence of events now made sense to him…how the gun happened to be
hidden behind the books, the uncharacteristic dismissal of the gatekeeper
and the house staff before their duty hours were over…..everything fell
into place.

He wondered at this woman; the woman who was his wife and was
carrying his child; was she so deranged that she could be a cold-blooded
murderer? Did she really want him dead? He was so disillusioned by this
woman he held in such high regard that for a moment he wished he
hadn’t emptied the chamber…he felt the loss of everything; the
relationships he had given up, the trust and confidence he had placed in
her, all was lost in a moment only to be replaced by a sense of
helplessness coupled with utter desolation.

Then he remembered the words of his mentor, the wise scholar. Dr

Khursheed had told him, ‘You have taken the first steps towards trust in
God and you must have faith in your decision. You will soon be beset
with trials and tribulations.’ For the last one month he had been faced
with trials, and each time he had remained steadfast in his belief and he
was proud of the way he had remained true to the path of God. But now
he realized that the tribulations he had encountered thus far had been

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simple in nature. His true test of faith lay ahead of him now; and he felt
that this test would prove extremely difficult for him.

He had never seen such hatred towards him as he had seen that night in
Umeed’s eyes. Neither had he heard her spew such venom as she did
now. He saw her throw the gun at him and wondered how she could be so
ruthless when he had shown nothing but gentleness and kindness towards
her. She was hurling accusations at him that pierced his soul, screaming
and shouting at him and he just stood there listening to her. Maybe he
would have stood there patiently absorbing her anger if she had not
referred to him by his former name—Daniel Edgar—that had goaded him
to action. He had spent the entire last month trying to erase the name
from his life. He had given up his parents; he had put his brilliant career
on the line only for the sake of his newly acquired faith. He was proud
that like devout Muslims he too been able to withstand the test of time
and had remained firm in his beliefs. He was determined t show that a
converted Muslim could be as devout as a born Muslim. The fact that
Umeed did not appreciate his strength of faith, hurt him more than
anything else; nor could he bear the fact that she had the audacity to
denounce him and cast aspersions on his sincerity.

Looking at her he wondered how it was possible for a person to so

completely destroy the personality of another, as had happened in
Umeed’s case. How, despite the passage of time and the establishment of
new and more permanent relationships she could still be so fragile in her
trust and confidence. How little it took to shake her faith in people who
tried to show her sincerity and devotion! He wondered if she would have
been as untrusting if Jehanzeb had not been part of her past. He loved her
and wanted to convince her of his sincerity. But today he realized that
this would never be. She would always have doubts about him and would
never fully trust him. He was tired and didn’t want to continually prove
his religious allegiance to her for the rest of his life. Standing there
bearing the brunt of her allegations he wondered, ‘Should I continue to
live with her because I love her and repeatedly bear this hurt and
humiliation? Would it not be better to end it now and get over the hurt
once and for all?’

And he decided it would be better to leave her. ‘It’s probably best that I
leave her. Or else this constant haranguing and the constant doubts about
my devotion to the faith may cause me to developing an aversion for her

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and then I might not be as strong as to resist the onslaught the next time
round.’

He thought that this woman had brought him towards true faith; he did
not want her to become the undoing of his devotion to God. It took him
just a few moments to reach this conclusion and then he left the decision
to Umeed.

He walked out of the study and into the kitchen. He felt the exhaustion
drain him of all strength he sat down at the dining table in the kitchen, he
leaned his elbows on the table, closed his eyes and rested his forehead on
his clenched fists helpless with despair. He sat there waiting, and heard
footsteps approaching him…..

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 Chapter 11

She heard the door of the study close. But the sound of the closing door
opened up a huge number of doors within her. The view that the newly
opened doors presented were not unfamiliar. She slowly lifted her head.
She realized that blurry eyes present a blurry vision. She leant back
against the book shelf and slowly slid down and sat down on the ground.
She opened up her clenched fists and stared at the lines on her palms as
though seeking the answer to her fate in the lines. But the lines were
silent. She clenched her fists again and leant her head against the
bookshelf.

‘The night does not necessarily cast darkness into life. Some nights are
illuminated with the moon; and the moonlight thus cast down on life
brings with it light and tranquility.’ She remembered that her father had
once told her this and it brought her solace in this hour of decision
making to remember his words.

She also recalled Eman’s words uttered a little earlier, ‘Every divinely
revealed religion brings with it trials and tribulations for its adherents.
But the trials that Islam puts man through either make him or break him;
if he is patient he becomes like solid gold with immense value; but if he
is weak, he is utterly destroyed as though turned to ash.’

She thought to herself, ‘I too was faced with such a situation in life a
mere six years ago. What happened to me? Did I turn to gold or to
ashes?’ Thus contemplating, she felt her heart grow heavy with emotion.

She continued to think about that time, not so long ago, when she had to
choose between faith and love and she chose faith over love. And since
the day I chose faith, I have lived with regret…..why? I am a Muslim, my
faith should be strong and unshakeable; yet when I chose the right path, I
was unhappy with my decision and have remained so for the last six
years. I have spent the last six years of my life as though consumed by a
fire of my own making. When faced with the choice of either loving and
sinning or retaining faith and chastity; it took me days of contemplation
to arrive at the decision I made. Not succumbing to Jehanzeb and his
pressure tactics was not easy. I, , born into my faith, found it so difficult
to choose between right and wrong; it took me so much time. On the
other hand, here is Eman Ali, my husband, a recent convert to Islam; he
has managed to make the right decision within a matter of minutes and
that too without bitterness. His faith is definitely stronger than mine! Oh
my God! How foolish I have been! I have been chasing an illusion all
these years.

Addressing herself she said, ‘You know, the worst thing that Jehanzeb
did to you was to sow the seeds of doubt in your mind. And you, watered
and nourished the seed until it blossomed into a fully-grown tree with
many branches. This tree of doubts and mistrust has now spread itself so
wide, that no matter what you do, you cannot cut it down. Yes, Eman Ali,
that is exactly what has happened. But have no fear; maybe I cannot cut it
down, but I can dig it up and remove it from its very roots.’

Eman had said to her, ‘I did not believe in love, that is why I probably
began to experience love and this love allowed me to develop confidence
and faith. Whereas you always believed in the existence of love; you got
love, but instead of gaining strength from it by developing confidence
and faith, you acquired a bitterness that has brought you to where you
are.”

“Yes, my experience with love robbed me of my self confidence and also

my faith.” Umeed confessed to herself. “You’re right, Eman.” She
continued talking to herself, ‘My experience with love took me away
from faith and belief whereas your experience of love has brought you
closer to belief and faith. The difference does not lie in the person you
love; the real difference lies in the way different people approach love.
Some love and lose all; others love and gain all. I truly have no right to
judge and moralize about your faith and belief, nor does anyone else. I
have been fortunate to have been granted the love of a man of your
caliber; instead of accepting it and being grateful for it, I have been
drowning in a whirlpool and trying to reach out for a hand to pull me out;
a hand that is neither willing nor available.

Today for the first time I feel I have escaped from your prison Jehanzeb.
For the first time I have realized that you were trying to blacken me with
your sins. I realize now that if I had chosen you, I would have been
doomed. For the first time I am aware of the fear you instilled in me; a
fear I could not release myself from. Today I see you for what you are;
dirty and unclean; a pollutant and a contamination that has clung to me

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despite being away from you for so long. I have been lucky that God
raised me to be the queen of Eman Ali’s heart not the dirt of your shoes.

I realize now that I did the right thing six years ago, when I decided not
to succumb to you and your pressures. Today for the first time I can
proudly say I’m glad I didn’t fall into your trap. Thank God I was saved!
I have what others don’t have, the love of Eman; the love of faith.’ The
blurred vision was finally clearing up. ‘Were I to go back in time, and I
have to make such a choice, I would surely take a leaf out of Eman Ali’s
book and make a cut and dried decision like he did; placing faith topmost
in priority, calmly, confidently and steadfastly. I hope I encounter you
once again Jehanzeb; I would love to spit in your face and tell you that
for me, Allah and his obedience is more important than the love of a
debauched man. Allah, the supreme being who takes away evil from us
and replaces it with that which is good and pure.

Can religion ever become outdated? Can anything take the place of faith?
Can you place your desires above the word of God and Allah’s laws? Is
life just for fulfilling your wanton desires? Can darkness and light ever be
the same? So, when the answer to every question is in the negative, bury
your doubts and lift yourself out of the humiliation you have buried
yourself under and live life anew.’

The inner voice seemed to raise her morale and she slowly stood up,
rubbed her cheeks and eyes clean and walked out of the study to find
Eman Ali. The whole house was in darkness, except for the kitchen, and
she knew that Eman would be there. She collected the first aid kit she
kept in the house and headed towards the kitchen.

She saw him sitting at the dining table. He was the only thing she focused
on, all else receded into the background. The light falling on his face
made his every expression evident. She could see the tiredness, the
sadness, the anxiety, the anguish and the calmness and peace and
expectation and hope…..it was all there in the fleeting expressions of his
face.

She saw Eman, still as a statue, and envied him his serenity. At that
moment, she felt he was one of the chosen ones, and felt she was
fortunate to be loved by a chosen one.

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She approached him. He lay back in the chair, his eyes closed. He felt a
gentle touch on his face. For a moment he stiffened, but then he felt the
rush of blood begin to course through his being and he felt peace. He
kept his eyes closed as she gently cleaned up his wound and dressed it.

Eman felt calm and peace descend on him; the pain and the hurt
vanished. Her touch was magically relaxing and even though she had
bandaged the wound, she continued to rest a gentle hand on his forehead.
He felt her tears on his cheeks and he wondered whether this was the
beginning or the end; then he remembered that Dr. Khursheed had
instructed him, ‘Our every action should be for God; our friendships and
our enmities, our love and our hatred; it should all be for God not for
ourselves.’ He thought, ‘If for God, I forgive her all that she has
tormented me with, and give her another chance to become confident and
strong….I who have received so many bounties from Allah, can I grant
her entry into my affections again?’ He searched the depths of his heart
for the answer and realized that this very woman was the one he had
fallen in love with; with all her virtues and her faults; and he smiled.

‘I must be generous because only generosity will help us both overcome

our trials and tribulations in life. Such small acts based on higher values
of life make relationships stronger and trials more endurable. Now that
we are on the threshold of a new role, that of becoming parents, I must
show kindness and generosity because a chaste wife deserves to be
forgiven for her faults and mistakes.’

He softly asked, ‘Can tears come so easily to Umeed?’

‘For Eman they can,’ she whispered softly.

‘What about for love? she heard him ask.

‘Not anymore,’ she replied. She knew what he was referring to. He kept
silent and she continued studying the details of his facial features. The
lamp swung with the breeze, and cast shadows on his face. The silence
and the light seemed to be dancing a strange dance and along with it,
Umeed ran her hand down his face and over his eyes as though trying to
protect his eyes from the swinging shadows sweeping across his face. He
smiled and relaxed into a state bordering on oblivion.

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The breeze turned into a wind and she could taste the grit of an
approaching dust storm. She looked around, and every item she looked at
seemed to have a new preciousness about it. She did not want anything to
be soiled or polluted by the nastiness of the storm. She moved her hand
away from his face and raced to the window to close it. Eman opened his
eyes and saw her struggling to close the windows and he got up and
rushed to her aid. They saw a whirl of dust and dirt lift itself off the
ground outside and batter the window panes. But it stayed outside; it
could not come in, they had both made sure that the windows were
tightly closed against the raging storm outside.

Umeed looked at the storm battering the window panes, and she felt a
sense of security seep into her being. She thought to herself, ‘The dangers
and the pollution from the storm cannot enter because both Umeed and
Eman— Hope and Faith—stand side by side against the raging storm.
Eman was struggling with the other windows while she looked on.

He grumbled, ‘I hate these dust storms; all day Sabir will be cleaning up
the house and he won’t be able to attend to anything else. I don’t know
who opened these windows or who left them open.’ Muttering he left the
kitchen to examine the damage done by the open windows to the rest of
the house.

She followed him out of the kitchen thinking to herself, ‘It doesn’t matter
how much dust settles on the glass of faith, all you need to do is wipe off
the dust and the glass begins to shine again. Just like Eman Ali, no matter
how much he is tried, just a little remorse and he is willing to forgive. In
fact, he is so generous that each time he forgives, he reveals a new and
finer aspect of himself.’

THE END
 

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