Professional Documents
Culture Documents
to August 14th of 2016. I was a first year baritone and trombone member at the Cadets Drum and Bugle
Corps, having previously marched one year as a baritone player with the Boston Crusaders. To frame
2016, I must mention that a reality TV show captured our summer. You may view clips from the show,
v=fMemH8hVA_Q&list=PLFTqEaWqgwMQLMOBl7dytGuh_RvIhxOyZ
I feel the need to clarify a few things. I wrote this when I was 18, having just finished my year of music
school as a music theory and music education double major. I have changed, and I went on to march with
the Cadets for two more years, acting as section leader the next year and horn sergeant in my final year.
No names have been changed, and I encourage questions and reactions to this transcriptions from anyone
interested. Everything is transcribed exactly. I have not omitted anything. The final word count is around
23,000 words, written at the end of every day. 2017 and 2018 journal transcriptions are forthcoming.
As a rookie, part of my responsibilities to the corps included my tour job as a field liner. There are two
crews on field lining: “skeleton” and “ropes.” I was on the ropes crew, meaning that a skeleton crew
would go the field and line the end zones, front and back sidelines, and the 50 yard line using tape
measures and a triangulation method so that the ropes crew could simply fill in the field. Usually, we
wake up around two hours before the rest of the corps to transform empty grass fields into up to three
complete football fields with hashes and four-four-step grid marks using only ropes and cans of spray
paint.
Our 2016 program was titled “Awakening.” It is split into different movements, which I often write about.
The opener is Appian Way, the second movement is Villa, the ballad is Turning, and the closer is Wine
Dark. If you would like, you may watch the show at the following link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=8ThMfq-qlmI
Thank you for reading. I hope this document is of some use to you.
2016
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May 17
It’s not about awareness. Consciously fixing something takes legitimate focus and time.
I think this will be the only free time that I have to write in this book.
May 18
Field lining was a fantastic way to describe today’s rehearsal: easier than expected, but hella wet.
If you don’t stretch, this body is going to give up on your gay ass.
May 19
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*Fuckton of changes to the Appian Way Music that you should probably write down.
May 20
Sunburned again.
Memorize everything.
Ensemble is amazing.
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I have found my home.
Am I human or am I Cadet?
May 21
We did fucking P90X in the gym. Jeff Young makes me feel young.
We (the trombones) caused a tear in ensemble today because we were so loud that Kendall
My favorite moment of the show is the last set of Appian Way. I’m on the end of the form and I
can see the hornlike step off together. I don’t feel like a rookie. This is my family.
NO MET, NO PROBLEM.
May 22
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I think people are getting a little tired. Still riding the high, even through the rain.
Keep stretching, practicing your scales, and memorizing all of your music. Rocky Point and
May 23
I am a dance/visual soloist as of right now. I hope we keep the ballad the way that it is.
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Cleaned water jug and wrote all my drill in.
Lonnie has started junior teching me. That was a big talk with Riley. The vibe got a little scary
today. Lonnie said he wanted to win DCI, and that’s a big taboo to say at the Cadets.
My back is hurting. Not in a “I need to do something about it” sense but in a “Day 6 is over”
sense.
We sprinted with Kendall. Running in the big pack gave me an anxiety/overstimulus attack. I got
May 24
Basics block kicked my ass. We did asterisk drill at 180 bpm and the direction changes
Staging the ballad. This is the most abstract way that I’ve ever learned drill in a corps setting. It’s
Lonnie back-talked Sam, and we had a meeting about perfection. Dot test soon.
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Posture isn’t horrible, but it’s sad that I look better than most of the rookies. We gotta get
stronger as a section.
May 25
I switched seat partners. Danny is my bus mate, and I feel much safer. AJ is a good friend, but I
“I love how the visual staff talks to the battery like we’re special needs third graders.”
Still not done staging the ballad. It’s incredible, says the box. Gino is mildly miffed.
Everyone here wants all the knowledge in the world. I don’t know if there is significance to that,
I am afraid that we will all look severely malnourished at the end of this. I am afraid that my
wright will drop too far below what is safe for me.
Things are looking up. Letter from home received. I hope everyone feels as well as they look.
May 26
I did my first breathing block. It was incredibly easy. I wish we pushed harder.
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Visual basics tend to kick our ass, which surprises me because our drill looks fine. Color me
confused.
Speaking of drill, I’m frustrated. I hope Lonnie leaves because his attitude is shitty and I don’t
We may finally finish the ballad tomorrow. Also, we got up to 69-89 in Villa. I’ll be damned if
There’s so much FUCKING RUNNING in Villa. Park and blow occurs, but I’ve never run this
much in my life. This is excellent. Conrad says we’re starting to look good. It made my day.
Second baritone lower split are hype. We never get to stand in the shade or shelter.
May 27
It must be nice.
History night was tonight. Video and slideshow. People really love this organization. It’s
inspiring. I hope to care that much about what I do someday. Why am I here? Why am I bad?
Morning block was rough but things go by fast when we play. Visual is hard because we are still
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Field lining got absolutely shit on today. We have to use poker chips to line the field. No snack
I just want to be good. I don’t think I look good visually. I have a lot of time here and I want it to
Villa is just running. I love performing this show. I feel like a badass. SCV had a free day and we
rehearsed.
May 28
We held our trombones up for half an hour today, per Travis block.
I ran into a glockenspiel today. What a wild ride. No one was harmed in my annual butt injury
We almost have the first three productions in their entirety on the field. Only 16 sets away. That
blows my mind. I love the ballad. I play a total of ten notes. What a time to be alive.
It was hot and humid and storm as fuck today. I want to leave the hellhole that is Pennsylvania.
I believe that Sonpar, myself, and Big Matt will be the only baritone vets from 2016 when we
age out.
Hop talk: where we met the entire staff, and it took 90 minutes. We don’t need sleep here at the
Cadets.
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My body doesn’t hurt. Two baritones holes now. Eddie has to do physical therapy. So many
people are breaking down. Hang tough. Stay alive out there.
May 29
It’s free-evening! Much excitement. I need alone time. It’s time to go into the woods once again.
We finished Villa finally. We can officially get through the first three movements with drill and
I love my section, but we argue a lot. I think so many people are here just to march, not to be a
Cadet. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially given how many amazing vets we have. Fuck their
attitudes. I’m here because I wanted to march here, not because I got cut at the Blue Devils/
I want to do some laundry and organize some things. I need to not play tonight. My face needs
rest.
Chili’s took forever, but there was so much FOOD. I donated fries to C-Pit. I sat with the
mellophones and Claire. It was a great time. Walmart silliness ensued afterward. Keaton is really
funny.
I’d rather walk away with friends and memories at the end of the day than a ring. It’s more than
band.
Hop: “When your goal is to win, what do you take away if you lose?”
May 30
Don’t forget that the sun sets eventually, and it’s all worth waiting for.
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Quick entry as there is a datebook test tomorrow.
Died our first full run of everything that we know. I was much less exhausted than I thought I
would be, and I had so much energy. I love performing this show.
Visual basics destroy me. Joe said I was the best rookie that he has ever seen, and that means the
world to me. It’s nice to know that the effort is not unnoticed. I love my vets.
I was in a collision today and got scraped up pretty bad. I was more mentally shaken up than
physically hurt. I hope people fill our holes soon. The drill is very scary at this point in time.
There are so many hurt people. Torn hamstrings and groins are the most common. I think there’s
ten people who are out or have to not fully participate. Vets blame this on lack of stretch time. I
Everyone is excited. I’m excited. I miss seeing the stars. I want to wow people. I want this to be
undeniable.
May 31
We got our asses beat today. Everyone was over it. I hope tomorrow is better. Field lining is
tomorrow. Fuck.
First dot test complete. I believe that I fared well. If not, so it goes.
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Drama continues at Club Cadet as tension mounts. I want people to stop getting hurt, and for
people to stop saying hurtful things. I’m so afraid I may give off a bad vibe on accident and then
Stretch after the run through felt so good. I was achieving new levels of flexibility. Mental note
to self to build in stretch time later in the season. I miss being on my own schedule.
Lack of sleep is probably the biggest issue. My face is so beat at the end of the day that all of my
scales and tunes have to be mental runs. I wish there was more time to practice.
June 1
“Drink some milk, and grow, will you? Your height is inconvenient.”
We learned show hair today and it’s unnecessary as fuck. I don’t understand why it’s so
complicated. Jenna, Cameron, and Christine are arguing about it. I broke all the rules because my
Started learning the closer. It’s going to be quite a haul. We did ensemble without a met, and we
Morning began with field lining. Wearing flip flops was the best choice. ALWAYS WEAR FLIP
I have a theory about my show. It’s about statues coming to life, but Daryl left the interpretation
to us. I think that the show is about depression. In the opener, the person with depression is
coming out of a low point, and feels good. Villa, the second movement, is a manic state—riding
high. It may possibly be the depressed person masking their feelings. In the ballad, the mask is
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removed—OR—the person thinks that they can be happy at last. Adonis turns around, and the
person realizes they can’t be happy, or that their depression takes hold once more. The closer is
about inner feelings; it is characteristically angry and full of emotion. This may be resentment
and anger—that one has to put on a mask, or realizing that this is the life they must lead. This
“Don’t march Cadets in the even years. It’s all kinds of fucked up.”
June 2
Field lining got shit on again today. Rest in pieces, dinner break. I’m over not being set up for
success.
The Adonis is our prison guard, and we can’t properly escape. Conrad makes excellent teaching
My period started, which was a nice way to begin the morning. It was kind of shitty weather
Hop’s focus on today was that everything was, and is, a choice. Hop talks bother me because the
very analytical part of me agrees with and has previously considered all that he talks about. But
the humanist in me disagrees with every fiber of my being. I don’t know if I want to be right or
We learned a dance sequence today. I think success is so relative to perspective. The hornline
kids thought I was really good at dancing, but the colorguard looks at me like I’m just flailing
around. I don’t know. I feel good about what I do until someone says it isn’t good. It makes me
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doubt myself. I think I’ve lost the ability to know when I’m doing well (without feedback from
I put on my uniform and shako today. I’ve lost weight since being fitted—two weeks ago. I’m
I still haven’t wanted to go home yet. This isn’t real life. The more I think about what I’m doing,
the more I marginalize it. This is just band. I get out of this what I want, and I think I just want
more time to come to terms with the fact that I’m dropping my Ed major. I feel so inadequate,
like I would never do justice to being an educator. I think that theory is the route for me.
Everything is changing.
June 3
It’s almost time to leave, and I don’t know if things are fast or slow.
I am passive, and I don’t care enough to change it. I fluctuate between very present and very
passive. I don’t feel a need to change anything. I love me for who I am. But I don’t want to know
any more. I don’t like learning about who I am; I like keeping my head down and working hard. I
It is 1:27 AM and Ines is finally here. Lonnie is done forever, but all the holes are filled. In
Tonight, we put on half the super suits and then had an etiquette meeting. We walked in silence
until [redacted to preserve Cadet initiation tradition.] We had emotional moments with each of
our bigs. I can’t wait to stand with my brothers and sisters in front of the hornline. I’m starting to
love my hornline more and more every day. Trust the process.
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Show day tomorrow. I feel like I finally committed to the straight leg technique, despite the
heavy jacket. It is disgustingly difficult to move around in. I’m excited to lose my sense of
identity and just be the best cast member that I can possibly be. I love performing because I don’t
I’m not sure if I like feeling nothing. It is, however, easy for me to remain in this mainframe for
long periods of time. Music helps me stay here, and I know it also has the potential to help me
leave.
I want to do music theory for the rest of my life. I would like to own a dog, and just understand
June 4
Really productive rehearsals today. Clarified and cleaned a TON of things before the community
Ines was here today. She is very funny, and called Trump the next Hitler. A fantastic first
impression. We jumped right into the drum break drill and she should be fine by next week.
Root beer floats. Keaton and I had a long talk. I think everyone has an important story worth
sharing, and where he came from (Spirit of Atlanta and Bluecoats) is a huge element of what
defines him.
We did our first full uniform run of the first 75% of the show. It went by so quickly and I felt so
empowered throughout the entire experience. It was incredible. I just need to learn how to
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Packing up Johnstown was a SHITSHOW.
I feel like we’re really getting into a good groove. Everyone knows how to rehearse well, and our
ensembles are so full of energy. I hop Bob returns soon because he knows that we need water
during rehearsal (his techs don’t give us water). Ben treats water like a reward, and we went 45
minutes without it during rehearsal. Gotta stay hydrated. I hope we get more water when we get
June 5
Donuts, Starbucks and Walmart. Goodbye Johnstown, hello free day. My shoes and clothes got
soaked on the way to and from Walmart. RIP comfort. At this point, we’ve loaded the buses
(which were late) and will soon be on our way to the ‘Burgh.
Our bus bay has an air conditioner inside of it. So, we have no storage. I’m blown. Bummer.
We began Pittsburgh free day with a visit to Burgatory, which is a burger place that has veggie-
friendly options. What an incredible meal. We proceeded to explore an arts festival, where fried
oreos occurred. I then found a drum circle and we played with strangers. Then we found a dank
fountain and there were a fuckton of dogs. Then we went on a subway, up a giant hill in a trolley,
and then back to the bus. I am not hungry, but I will be once we get to Ada. Three hours between
me and sleeping in a lovely dorm room. See you soon, drum corps. Don’t forget what it’s like to
be free.
June 6
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Got back into the groove today. Field lining took a complete dick to the ass and had to line with a
singular line of measuring tape and maroon and gold paint. This process took two hours and ate
My dad arrived in Ada this evening. Apparently, he grilled out for the corps and Mike Pfeil loves
him. Add this to the list of Mike Pfeil Facts. I dislike him less now.
Letter from one of my former staff members at Boston. It seemed genuine, and so rarely do
people take the time to write a letter. There was no apology for what had happened in 2015, but
Still haven’t learned the new Wine Dark drill. Waiting on Daryl for that. We added body to Villa
and fixed the drum break in a five hour visual block where nothing else of note occurred.
Complete ass kicking in subs today. Travis must have been pissed as fuck because we held the
trombones for almost half an hour. He was merciless. There were no survivors: we went down
the line.
We officially pissed off the Queen of Ada, Ohio, and now we have to stop rehearsing one hour
early tomorrow. Let’s see if the Cadets can’t find some way to rehearse without metronomes or
megavoxes.
Assisted Ines with trombone music and uniform fittings. All of the new baritones are here, and
our drill will no longer look like swiss cheese. They have saved us.
I want sleep and less time spent in sectionals at night (which are hard to make productive).
Running on four hours of sleep, and it took its toll on my body today.
There was a potentially deadly storm before ensemble that quite literally blew over. Death was
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June 7
Learned more of Wine Dark and got shit done because Bob returned. He is an excellent caption
head, and I like working with him. He took a field view of the run through like a VP judge. I’m
Full run, no met (with the exception of Wine Dark) was this evening. It will be done so soon
There was supposed to be an “evening activity.” I don’t know what that means, but I am afraid,
because the stated “lights out” was at 1 AM after the evening activity. Oh well?
Dad came to rehearsal and took photos. The members really like him and were surprised to see
that he was indeed my dad. Wait until the action shots are uploaded—ready for the storm.
It’s oddly cold outside in Ada. It was cloudy all day, and my sunburns healed.
Down the line finally happened again. I may be removed from a part, pending how I play
tomorrow. Not much practice time happened, as I helped Ines with the euphonium music.
I do not know if I want to pursue the education aspect of my degree. I am surrounded by so many
excellent teachers, and I fear that I will not ever be as good. I also fear not being as good at
music theory, or being expected to play much better as a music theory major. It would free up my
schedule so that I could work more hours, and I would graduate early. But job prospects would
be fewer, and I would likely have to enter a graduate program immediately upon graduating. But
that does not bother me. I like the idea of finishing school early and starting to focus my studies.
Education isn’t too hard for me, but I feel as though it is not my calling. I am mostly just afraid
of relying primarily on theory, or changing my schedule right now. What would my future be?
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June 8
Changed all my classes just now. I am officially just a music theory major. The timeline is much
brighter.
Admin team loved my seat partner photo with Dan. They also helped me decide on a class for
next semester. I will think of them when I take it. I’m not doing Green Brigade—fuck that.
Ines and I had a lovely free block. Dad went went to the store with us and we got some good
Dot test tomorrow. I know the dots but not the counts. Here’s to late night memorization projects.
Curtis was a dick today, and visual is getting rougher. They are hellbent on finishing this batboy
as soon as possible. We’re up to “jugs are up” in Wine Dark. God bless vocals. I wish I could yell
more on the field, but I am usually out of breath, especially in Wine Dark. The choreography is
incredible. Curtis is an ass but is great at what he does and how he does it.
Hop took away our free block, but staff revolted and graciously gave us time off. Everyone
needed that time off. Back at it again until next Sunday, I suppose. We leave here in so many
days. It is almost a week and a half from now. We are moving so quickly, but it is so slow at the
same time. Members have given up on us placing well. I won’t lose hope yet.
June 9
Today was a hard, but excellent day. We learned a lot more of Wine Dark and failed to have brass
sectionals because visual dominated our day today. There was a lot of movement and running in
the chunk we learned today, but it got us through the baritone feature. There isn’t much Wine
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We met for a Hop talk in the union and the snares were playing in the ballroom, I think to annoy
students. Incredible.
Dot test rescheduled. I need to study more, as those dots are rough (it is top of Villa to Letter K).
Rough.
We continue to be late to arc set and stack badly, which frustrates most of us. Ada is so far spread
We ran through everything we knew in ensemble. No met, but we used a met in Wine Dark. I
was less tired than I assumed I would be. The uniform will make it harder, but I think the show
Curtis and Bob kick our asses, but there is still somehow a lack of expectations. Both of them are
moving very quickly, and I think it is so that the cleaning process can be longer than the learning
process. The box is somewhat hesitant to call people out. The vets are disappointed with Bob. I
just want my drill clean. Techs often mention “winning,” but it is not a stated goal of the corps. I
want to do well, and all I know is that the expectations placed on me in music block are so
different than the expectations from the visual staff. I hope things change.
June 10
Passed my second dot test. Easy peasy. Visual, however, was so rough today. Bob ripped my
asshole open for explaining a horn move quietly to Aaron while we were supposed to be at
standby. If Julian makes one more comment to me about not being in the form when I’m on my
dot, I’m going to get really upset. Also, today I fell because someone near me missed instructions
in basics block. I believe that it was well handled by both of us. But visual block was so quiet
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and uptight today. I think Bob cranked it a bit too far today. But I felt so good in basics. I think
I’m finally getting the technique; now I must apply it to the drill. It’s rough.
Jarrett has come to save our lives. We finally got better today. The way he cleans things is
fantastically efficient, especially when compared to other techs. God bless Texas band.
It’s starting to get hotter, which means more whining and less field lining. Almost no one showed
Dad leaves today. He came and fed us on top of taking incredible pictures, as always. I need to
be more thankful for his presence in my life. Having other members tell me they’ve liked having
Fixed our uniforms today. I love our new baritones. I can’t wait for everyone to be in the show
June 11
The monotony of our schedule is setting in. Visual blocks feel like forever, but then the day goes
by much more quickly after that block ends. It’s getting warmer as well.
I want everyone to stay safe. The drill is getting dangerous, and more people are getting ill or
injured.
Jarrett sectionals are the best part of my day. He is an incredible educator, and I have massive
I am resolving today to stop causing a ruckus on the field during visual block. Julian catches me
at bad moments. I will HENCEFORTH not have bad spacing, or talk unless spoken to. I’m tired
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of getting pissed at myself during block because I distract myself or fuck something up. I don’t
want Bob to know my name from the box. Also I refuse to fall down.
There is a proposed free block tomorrow evening. I hope George allows us to have an evening.
As of today, I still have not wanted to be home yet. Even though I have to say things carefully
and can’t always be pleased with myself, I am not at home. Every day I escape East Tennessee is
June 12
Jeff Young should be caption head. That was the best visual block of my entire life. Also, he held
a conversation with members at lunch, and even did P90X abs with us after rehearsal. P90X
Lots of changes happened today. Bari feature in Wine Dark 1 changed and everything is
Free evening was excellent. I always enjoy my time off. I believe that it is well deserved. In
ways, Ada goes by slower than Johnstown. I think maintaining the same schedule is very
Had nuggets and oreos. I just want normal person food. NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: bring extra
I like my jams and walking around with music playing from my backpack. I feel like a cool
teenTM. I think I will get more ear piercings. My job will not be in the public schools, so my
appearance no longer matters. I just have to be good at what I do. The task is simple.
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I think about how I defined myself in the Music in the Human Imagination class on the first day
of school. It is very different than who I am now. I don’t know what I have grown toward, but
I’m starting to take shape in the image of what I would like to be, or what feels right.
June 13
We ended up not playing a lot today. We had so much visual block, one with Jeff and one with
Curtis. I hope we can just finish out Wine Dark. I want to be able to say we have finished the
Field lining got fucked once again. We had to line the indoor sports complex. NOTE TO
FUTURE SELF: don’t use all the tape to line the indoor field. Break strips up.
Got all of our frustration out with morning P90X with Jeff. It was a low impact punch and
kicking exercise series, and Kayla and Matt started yelling three word phrases to align with the
Afternoon/post run-through P90X with bars and Jeff was also an adventure. It was called
“Warrior,” and after the workout, Jeff, Riley, Ines, and I explored our tumbling abilities. Turns
out I’m a fucking gumby, and can kind of do a back handspring. I just have to refine my
Ines and I are experiencing Nerds candy. Way too sweet. I got three boxes from the volunteers.
Study for your dot book test (174 of Villa to the end of Villa—good fuckin luck, bitch!)
I will see Boston soon. I have mixed feelings about this. Seeing Boston again will be similar to
meeting with an ex-lover. There are parts that I really miss. I miss my friends. But I know that I
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am in a better place for me now. I feel that I would be infinitely frustrated anywhere else. At
Cadets, I am mentally and physically engaged all day, and I love how hard it is. I am independent
and responsible for my mistakes. This pleases me. Accountability. I love it. It’s different. But this
June 14
I don’t feel good about my abilities as a performer. I’m trying a lot, but I don’t think that I am
good enough. I think I try a moderate amount in relation to my colleagues, but there are probably
people who work a lot harder than I do. I realized today that I would not ever be satisfied with
the amount of work that I put into something until someone else verifies that it was good enough/
Stargazed yesterday evening with Tom. I now know how to find Draco and friends. It was a good
talk. I like learning more about the people around me and seeing them as people and not just
I think we will finish the show tomorrow. I just want to clean things and not look wrong when I
go to my dot. Sam had a talk with me about getting in the form and having better awareness
when we check and adjust. Julian touched me, trying to get me to go to two steps off the yard
line. I’m not stupid, and I know I’m supposed to be two off. Step sizes are difficult and I am not
used to looking for people and not using field references in the drill. I don’t know if I’m doing
well or not. I have no concept of what the vets or other rookies think of me. Lack of information
makes this very stressful because I don’t know what to change or do differently.
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I want spring training to be over. I want to be on the road and remember that I am more than my
mistakes. It is very difficult for me to let things go, and it is also difficult for me to know that
people may think I am not good simply because of an error. My frustration comes from spending
such a large amount of time on something and still failing to be perfect at it. This wears at my
soul. Will I spend a lifetime on something, only ever to be mediocre at best after years of work?
June 15
“The low brass sounds like a school bus on a Monday morning. No, scratch that. A train. A
GEORGE WENT LIVE AND MY FAMILY SAW MY FIRST RUN. I ticked at the end and was
totally gassed, but I completely and totally love my show. It feels like 30% first three movements
Tomorrow begins the whirlwind. We have a fake EPL and on Friday, prom and a dot test.
We woke up so late today. The weather was screwy, but we incorporated the two cake props
today. Getting on and off is horrifying. As of right now, I am on the top tier with Joe, Wes, and
AJ. It’s all starting to come together beautifully. I’m so excited for my first show. I want this so
bad. I know we work so hard, harder than anyone. This makes me feel fulfilled. I love working
this hard and with people all around me who do the same.
I love living in the moment and being able to spend my summer doing everything and also
nothing. This activity has no meaning outside of what I assign it. This is somehow therapeutic. It
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takes me all day to warm up to it, but I will miss being here when it is all over. Things are going
by so quickly. The days feel shorter, and almost the whole show is on. I can’t wait to clean, and I
can’t believe we have a week to clean—NOT learn—before our first show. This group is
amazing.
Today, Jeff asked us what we are thankful for. I said that I was thankful that I am here. And I am.
June 16
I had a rough rehearsal day today. I don’t know why. I think I got frustrated with myself too
easily. It was difficult for me to receive as many comments as I did. I want to be doing this
correctly, and at all times. Frustration with myself inhibits my ability to perform. I need to get
I don’t want to be cut from any parts. This will mean more individual practice time. Keep
working.
My second valve is fucking me over. I scrub it out as best I can, to no avail. I hope it stops
We had fake EPL today. Low stress, lots of candy from the volunteers, and finally truly
appreciating field lining. Even if we gave up lunch to tape the turf again.
The weather was fantastic. Nice and cool, a little bit of rain during sectionals. I wish I had
appreciated it more. I don’t know when we leave here, but I want it to be sooner rather than later.
The dot test was moved to Saturday due to Prom being tomorrow evening. Owen is my prom
date. He is one of my friends. I need to be keeping better track of Ines; I want her to succeed
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with as little interference on my part as possible. Maybe someday I’ll lose my mother instinct,
The run through this evening felt easier, even though ensemble kind of gassed us. We work very
hard, and I appreciate how much the members give as well as the staff.
Boston had their Concert in the Park tonight. This is where I want to be, but I miss so many
wonderful people.
June 17
Prom was this evening, and it was very lit. I liked dancing with my friends. Claire is hanging
with Ines and me in our room. I want everyone to feel included and Claire is a really great human
There is a dot test tomorrow and I have not studied at all yet. I am starting to enjoy visual much
more, and I am excited for tour to begin. I want that Walmart run bad. I am afraid I am the bearer
of transition visual staff that suck. I just want to be clean. Let’s rise above.
I think I am doing much better in runthroughs. I need to really focus at Y to the end and during J
of Wine Dark. The drill kicks my ass, but less so every day.
I just want to get out of Ada. There’s too much drama and windmills. I want to see my friends
perform. I’m getting very frustrated by being in Ada. Change of scenery will make things better.
Also, when we begin competing. That will help (or hurt) morale.
I don’t really know how I feel. I’m caught in the middle of a lot of things. I know things that I
shouldn’t, or, lack the ability to change. I am a rookie and I can’t change anything. I said the
same thing last year. This is why I think Joe got frustrated today. The members have little control
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over what we are taught. I have information that I shouldn’t. All I can do is boost morale and
self-clean the fuck out of my show. I just hope everyone realizes that we have to be our own
techs this summer. I’m so disappointed by my visual staff. I’m a rookie with no right to have an
opinion. I can only help in little ways, like smiling and doing my job.
June 18
Today was THE day. Visual block destroyed me, emotionally. The sunglasses broke and I didn’t
notice until they were completely irreparable. We did basics block for three hours while the other
half of the hornlike was inside learning choreography with Curtis. Bob ran exercises until he
I called field lining getting fucked again. And we will be again after this. At least the dot test is
I finally was told to not play so loud. My triple tonguing is much better. I hope I won’t get cut.
I got a scary-ass message on Facebook with words edited onto my body. Keep an eye out for me.
I thought about being at home. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I am anxious to get on the
road and see my friends and get away from the drama here. Everyone works hard, but people are
rubbing each other the wrong way. I just want changes in scenery and new faces and new things
to write in this book because it’s the same damn thing every day. It’s going to be done soon (cue
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June 19
Today was the last official day of spring training and it began with field lining. I felt better about
the creepy photo the more I talked to people about it—they offered to stay with me at shows, and
Visual went by very quickly, and we’re finally starting to clean things. Bob let the fundamentals
crew from yesterday leave block early and we got an extra fifteen minutes at lunch.
We had our last sectional block by the fans, and Jarrett got serious work done. Not much of it
showed up in ensemble because we stumbled over horn moves, but it will come with time. I can
march and play the triple tongue when my horn works. I was in a mild collision this afternoon
that totaled my second valve. I couldn’t play after brass on the move, which meant my run was
open notes and visuals only. It was very frustrating for me. I hate not playing.
Ezekiel and Joel come and watched ensemble this evening. They were very positive and very
inspired. That was all that I wanted. I think this is going to be a truly defining show. The ballad
We have a performance tomorrow, and after the fifth alteration, my uniform finally fits me.
Northing flew off my body in ensemble and shake stayed on delightfully well. At last.
Things have gone by so quickly. The days themselves move slowly (until brass ensemble), but I
cannot process that I have less than 2/3 left with this group. It is a risky year, and I feel so lucky
that I am part of that process. I am the beginning of a new Cadet generation. What a concept.
It’s the last evening in Ada, and Tom and I will look at the stars again. Wake up at 7.
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June 20
Show day happened. I think I’m going to love being on tour—rehearsals were paced perfectly
(even if field lining got shit on during snack #1). Warm up was great, and the show went by so
At the end, I consciously thought “I can’t do this show right now” because the demand (physical,
mental, and playing) is incredibly high. John, the person from Black Gold filling a color guard
hole, brought up an excellent point—we have built up endurance over the past 34 days and it’s
insanely demanding to just jump in. It made me think about how much progress we’ve made and
I felt almost ill at the end of that run-through and didn’t feel too great, but after seeing the
multicam that DCI filmed, I felt so much better about it. We had improved so much just from
Bob pissed me off today. I dislike it when a tech or the box talks to us during a rep—I am
distracted and it makes me lose a lot of focus. During a rep of Wine Dark, he said “Get behind
someone” almost every two seconds (the trumpets made it a vocal for their horn move
afterwards). It was incredibly disparaging and distracting for me and many others as well. I feel
Getting dressed for the show was still stressful even though we were given 90 minutes Cleaning
the baritone took longer than it usually does. I’m back to struggling with show hair. I am
considering shaving the side of my head where my hair is too short to fit in my already awkward
bun. I think I need to grow up and just figure out how to deal with curly hair much more
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June 21
TOUR BEGINS. Solid last rehearsal, and I am ready to leave Ada. Food was decent today. I
I realized that I have to find a job in August. Oops. Bands, please hire me.
Tony sent out a request for players at First Flight week and my trombone quartet accepted. I feel
so unprepared, but I am very excited that the band is getting back together. It’s time to visualize
scales before I go to sleep. I think that will help me in the fall. I am forgetting how to play
trombone.
I can’t wait to performing knowing that my friends and family are watching at home as I play
Goodbye for a year, Ada. I will not miss the temperamental weather and medium length walk to
the stadium, or the same goddamn schedule every day. But I will miss these people and working
so hard every day. “My only goal for the season is that the new people come back.” -one of the
vets
And if I wanted a ring, I would be at the Blue Devils. But Cadets take potential, and the Blue
Devils take talent. I think this is an important distinction, and I love that everyone here is willing
It gets easier now, but everything went by so quickly and I can’t process that we are a third of the
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June 22
Today was a DAY. Rough, rough, ROUGH beginning this morning. The day began with field
lining in the rain with maroon and gold paint and not enough tape (now a true field lining
classic). Wake up was then delayed, twice, but I could not fall back asleep. Rough times.
I helped fix a horn facing, which was exciting. Visual blocks are getting nicer, but I wish we had
Brass is alright. I have yet to get back into the feature. I just want to play. It’s very frustrating for
We had a three hour long uniform top ensemble and I was dead set on pushing myself until I
passed out. This, unfortunately, did not happen, and we chunked through the entire show. We
proceeded to learn to get onto the field (still don’t know how to get off yet) and everything went
Sectionals kept me out late, which frustrated me because I wanted to call home. I feel horrifically
guilty about how little I talk to my family, to the point of being ill. My stress levels are
ridiculously high. I don’t understand why. I’m just as easily putting on a very cold, unaffected
exterior as I am breaking down into tears. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
The weather in Knightstown is ridiculously shitty. I do not appreciate the humidity and tiny
stadium, as I know it will only be worse when we return in August. This is all going by so
quickly. I don’t know how to cope with the rapid passage of time.
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June 23
First show day over. I felt like we rehearsed for so long today. It was a very different ball game.
We were in third and visual tanked us. We got spanked in visual scores. Everyone is frustrated,
and it comes through in how we perform on the field. At least audience members and judges are
acknowledging that our show is incredibly difficult. I loved performing it and seeing that the
I like show days—A LOT, but I want to be better at visual. I think that is the largest source of
Noah and David and I met up and had some good times. I was so happy to see that everyone was
all in one piece. It made me very excited for the fall semester. Going home is now an exciting
prospect. I will have so much time in the fall. Who knows what will happen? I miss Texas and
Melissa and Juan and David and Noah and all the dumb shit we get ourselves into. Seeing a lot
of people that I love reminded me that there is a light at the end of this third place drum corps
tunnel.
June 24
Today began with a field lining obligation, as is becoming more frequent now that we are on the
road. I need to start sleeping near the field liners to help them all wake up.
Hop spoke to us for half an hour about “doing our job.” This was an incredibly important talk, as
people are starting to not trust the process and rehearsals get looser and looser. I find myself
wanting rehearsals to be a bit more in control at times. Visual was a good block; Bob prefaced it
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with telling us it would be difficult because we have to build up enough endurance to finish our
show. Apparently major changes are coming to Wine Dark because crowd reaction died during
the closer because Wine Dark is hard as fuck and we still can’t do it. I struggle with it just in
rehearsal and when the uniform is on, it is nearly impossible to achieve my maximum potential.
We got a lot stronger today because we ensembles for two hours in halves and then did a full run
in full uniform. I hate it so much but I know we get much better each time we do this. I trust the
staff.
Travis complimented my playing in both features that I was cut from, which irks me. Jarrett says
I can get back in as soon as I can perform it perfectly the first time. R I P
We did half an hour of 3 to 5 jazz run in an attempt by the visual program to get us to have
consistent technique across the board. I could see my shadow more today and I am pleased with
how I look. I got told that my legs are TOO straight. I couldn’t believe it.
We are in the process of learning how to be a first rep drum corps and it is slowly starting to
create layers within the corps (we’re finally figuring out who the ticks are). In other news, field
lining will get fucked over after 6 hours on the bus with 0 floor time. I’m becoming a fucking
badass at EPL.
June 25
Today I peed on a tree in Wisconsin. It was a very hard day. I got 0 floor time because of field
lining, which made the day that much harder. George bitched us out at the gate (and I write this
now because I’m frustrated) for knocking buckles, telling us that we aren’t getting any better by
doing that before the show. I don’t know what happened, but visual warmup was 8 minutes lon
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and felt extremely rushed. Brass was fast as well, and we were very pushed for time by the time
we got to the gate, which stresses everyone out. Then our synth wouldn’t work and we stood in
the pre-show setup for what felt like 10 minutes, waiting for the synth to plug in. My show was
not the best. I struggle a lot with Wine Dark. Everyone is starting to get frustrated with the
general effect of our show. Ben and I are both asking what happened? What did I sign up for?
What are the Cadets becoming? And it sure as shit is not entirely our fault/lack of member effort,
as George put it. We bust our asses. I don’t know how we can get stronger when the closer is
repetitive and generally impossible. I want this to be badass, to be a statement. It says a lot that
someone who commits as much as Ben does is not fully in the game. I don’t know what this is.
I will see Melissa tomorrow and we will try to celebrate her birthday a day late. I miss her dearly
Saw former instructor. It was alright. Nothing horrific happened, and I got to vent about ticks and
shitty visual stuff. The attitude this year sucks. I can either dwell on that or try to turn it around. I
June 26
ZADITE. Today after morning block was absolutely fantastic. The show/warmup was straight
fire. I felt like I wasn’t tired. I could give it my all. Everyone around me was hype, and the staff
was proud of us after the show. Our warmup was incredibly focused, and I was very hyped by it.
100/10.
Morning was not so hot. No floor time yet again (thanks field lining—the fields were even pre-
lined! Why did I not get sleep????), and a near breakdown at breakfast because I felt so anxious.
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I called a friend who helped me through it and they reminded me that I see Melissa today. That
was also a huge hype—even though she only got to see our ballad and closer. I loved performing
Morning visual was scary because Bob got severely dehydrated (dehydration=heart attack???)
and almost had a weird heart attack condition thing. They took him to the hospital on a stretcher
and in an ambulance, but we were still rehearsing through visual block as he seized and moaned
in the stands. It was very macabre. I did not focus well after that happened. We just turned away
from him and kept repping. I wanted to scream because it felt so wrong.
I don’t know what to do. Days like today remind me why I’m here, doing this all summer, but it
is so hard to be away from my friends and my life. If I saw Melissa, SJ, and my family every
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you will get there. I can’t wait to start school up
again next fall and make meals for the people I care about and not eat shitty truck food and take
June 27
CHANGE EVERYTHING DAY. Wine Dark was put on an operating table and absolutely got
hacked to pieces. Great changes were made to the grid section and the first/second baritones got
a nice little pentatonic run! My drill got SO MUCH easier! However, we will perform the “old”
We spent a whole lot of time on the bus, and Hop had asked us to share our thoughts with him
via personal emails. As I was lining fields with half of the ropes crew, I shared some thoughts on
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accountability. Hope then proceeded to volunteer to show up to field lining and even forwarded
my email to Kendall, Matt, and Eric. I am really glad I worded things the way that I did because
my email was viewed by so many important vets. I am glad things will change.
We had a 45 minute ensemble tonight and I felt great all day, honestly. We are staying here for 3
days and 2 nights, which means EPL will be lovely. I am looking forward to another day of hard
work.
The corps is on an upswing. I hope the positive energy continues into the rest of the season. I
think everyone really truly wants to get better, and I think it has to do with having a fantastic
show yesterday. I know we can’t have great shows every time, but it really makes a difference in
rehearsal attitude when we do well. We pushed our staff today. I am glad I’m here. See ya
tomorrow.
June 28
We fixed field lining today. Matt and Eric absolutely laid down the hammer and even personally
thanked me for letting them know about it. I was so excited to help.
Rehearsals were lit. The changes in Wine Dark will help us so much. It was great to know we are
performing old Wine Dark for the last time this evening.
I accidentally slept on the way to the show and was very blown until I listened to some music. It
I saw my old crew after a second FANTASTIC show, and also met David’s dad, who gave me
food and talked to me about Phantom Regiment while Sam Dima talked to the other Phantom
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Bus interview round 2. One of the members interviewed is outright racist and has a lot of shit to
say about the last corps he marched. The brass bus heckled him accordingly—welcome to the
East Coast. Brass bus is fucking wild, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
June 29
“Can you not prance around like a fucking pony?” - Travis. Last full rehearsal day in FUCK???,
Pennsylvania. It was stupid cold and I wore a jacket for most of the day. We “fixed” Wine Dark,
and it is so much easier than our old closer. Everyone can achieve it, and the grid still exists.
There is some challenging body and an odd count structure, but it is SO, SOOOOO much better.
I’m hype for Allentown tomorrow. Strap in, bitches, here we are.
Today I totaled my baritone. I mean absolutely fucked it up. I was taking off my jacket and was
kind of unconscious and dropped my horn on its bell while I was at standby. Stevie B is not here
to fix it, so I am using the alternate horn for tomorrow’s performance. I haven’t gotten my
The food chef guy left and now we’re eating better. We had Kebabs for dinner??? and they have
I experienced Sheets today. It is like a gas station but classier and Pennsylvanian. I got Reese’s
Pieces and everyone got mad about how to pronounce it. Autobots roll out. Sheets is good.
I pre-EPL’d, and it helped a lot. I didn’t do jack shit during EPL. I loaded everything and went on
my way. The last three days have been suspiciously easy. I fear for the coming week, especially
when we get to Florida. I am ready to die. Fuck the cold, but fuck Florida even more. I am very
afraid. “Never have I ever” with bus lights was odd but on brand for brass bus.
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June 30
“That’s not good enough. That’s not loud enough.” - Gino. Today was a really rough last day of
June. Field lining got floor time! But was then really pushed for time at breakfast before the
MUSIC IS COOL campers got here. We spent forever and a day on a shitty grass field with
We had to walk from the housing site at Raub middle to the J Birney Crum stadium, so about
half a mile with all of our equipment. Carry a trombone and a baritone and a water jug and a
backpack half a mile. Yeah… We got FUCKED during EPL because of the distance. It was not
enough time and we ended up having a three minute long visual warm up. Ensemble went too
long because we had to chunk through the new Wine Dark, which killed Tom because he got hit
by a tuba and almost lost a tooth. Rip the 20 count move. It was better in the show tonight.
Holy fuck, those showers. Those showers were worse than the wolf school showers. The city of
Allentown needs to figure hot water out. Merciful christ. My hands turned white because it was
The show, despite not being set up for success, was again straight fire. Our GE score went up
because Wine Dark makes sense now, and tomorrow, we’ll add the costume changes in the
Today was very stressful, but EPL is finally over, and I just wish for more floor time. The next
day is a show day, and I hope it will be better. Fingers are crossed that I live to see tomorrow.
July 1
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A rough start to July drum corps. The weather shat on us today and so did the staff. We
eventually were rained out of BRASS STADIUM and took shelter for an hour while working on
Tanglewood music. Ensemble occurred and we added counts to the ballad for some reason
(colorguard costume change, I think) and then did a full run for the alumni, who gave us bright
gold hats. It was very sweet of them, but I couldn’t focus because we weren’t fed properly.
The show got cancelled right as we were about to set up twos. The weather was terrifying, and I
was upset that we weren’t able to perform this evening’s changes. I thought we earned our show
today.
Tom gave me Garfield Water, which is really strong alcohol mixed with Gatorade. I highly
appreciate it. There is a lot of it. I am excited by how long this could last me. Bless the vets.
We have a show and a parade tomorrow, and the holiday weekend begins. I don’t think we have a
straight up rehearsal day until the 7th. Tanglewood is before that, I think. Tanglewood will last
I think we are getting dinner from a fucking rest stop. That’s some Cadet shit right here.
July 2
Parade of death in nowheresville, Massachusetts. It took three hours, and we went back to the
housing site to have ensemble… after marching a parade… which field lining had to prepare the
fields for, so RIP eating food today. I’m looking forward to the fourth of July activities. Parades
aren’t too terrible until you run out of water. That was one of the worst things I’ve ever done in
my entire life.
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Had another short EP-HELL and got everything done at the last minute yet again. The bus ride to
Boston College was ridiculously long, and we got lost as fuck, leading to a very short warmup
and a rather rushed show. The energy was still there, which I appreciated. I love the maturity in
performance with this group. No matter what, we always bring it on the field.
I gave David the Garfield Water. He needed it more than I did. I’m struggling, and I don’t even
have other kids to worry about—I don’t know how he’s managing as a section leader at
Phantom. I don’t know if I could ever be a section leader like the excellent ones here. Riley is so
perfect all of the time, and I don’t think I could ever be good enough.
I talked to Kait and saw Larry. Kait needed a morale boost because Boston is having a hard
summer. I deeply considered going back to Boston after the summer ends. The people are my
first home and first love, and I feel estranged. This turned into a rather nihilistic conversation
about how I view myself and how I don’t have feelings, and I drove myself into shutting down.
The less I think about myself, the better. If I think about what’s happening to me, I shut down. I
don’t know what I am, but I do things, and it seems very pointless at times.
July 3
The day began with yet another field lining adventure. They were supposed to bus us to the field,
but of course no one came through. We walked ten minutes to a locked stadium, and waited for
someone on admin to rescue us. We got back in time to barely eat something, pack, and go to
laundry. I was completely alone in the shower, and it was surreal. It was so dishearteningly quiet.
Laundry went well. Rhys allowed me to share his washer, because the rookies clean the bus
before they get to wash their clothes. NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: help the rookies out during
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laundry. Pay it forward. Rookies have to clean the bus, and somehow I was able to convinced the
laundromat owner to lend me her brooms so I could sweep the bus. I cleaned the fuck out of that
bus.
Ensemble was quick and painful, as always, and we made our way to the show. The show was
weird (B E A N P O T) because of wind, fireworks occurring during the show, not being able to
hear ANYTHING on the field, and god knows what else. George was not happy, but we had too
many good shows in a row for us to have yet another good show. Apparently, we’ve won music
ensemble three nights in a row, so that was a shock to me. Visual is killing us score wise, but
apparently Marc Sylvester is coming soon to destroy our asses. I don’t know if I am excited or
worried or scared. I want to be clean, but at what cost? Let’s see how millennial Cadets act…
I watched Boston’s show. I worry about their ability to make finals this year. It’s not the
members fault, it never is. I hope things go their way. You’re in my thoughts, Giants.
July 4
Today began poorly. I was late to get my uniform off of the truck, and I felt very guilty for a very
long time. The Bristol parade wasn’t horrible, but I do not believe in “good” parades. They
bought us ice cream and we made our way to what was supposed to be our rehearsal site. It was a
long drive and I felt disgusting after waking up. I barely ate anything for lunch, and there were
no restrooms which was an issue for us female-bodied people. So I just bled all over myself for
three hours. We relocated rehearsal sites and learned a new closer tag in brass rehearsal. I am
excited to put it on the field tomorrow and perform! Yes, low brass!
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The second parade was not as rough because it got cooler as we went. Everyone was just very
tired and waterlogged. Then to cap off what had been a rough day for admin (and us, because
people were loosing shakos, plumes, gloves, everything), Mike Pfeil dropped us off for free
block in an industrial park that had a fireworks show in the evening. The only issue? NO FOOD.
There was no food to be found. Eventually, we walked two miles to a gas station and made a
rather sad dinner there. Bonus, no feminine hygiene products available for purchase. I was
extremely blown until having a long talk with Claire, Daniel Regalado, and Nick Franck, all of
whom I hold in high esteem. It made me extremely excited for upcoming seasons, especially
because ew are going to define this millennial generation of Cadets. I want to know what I can
do, how I can help be the solution to the problems we are facing (apathy, bad rookie-vet
dynamic). I think the right people will leave. We can make Cadets the Cadets again!
July 5
The morning was rough. I assumed field lining would be pushed back due to bad weather, but we
lined in the rain and got the day started. Visual block was really rough because of the wet grass.
I’ve lost my watch, so time seems to move faster now, but that block was straight up deadly. We
tried “massaging” the back passthrough of the DNA set and it worked until we ensembles it (and
I died/fell along with the mass of other people). We got a lot better visually today, but it really
Music block was fine and we haven’t put the new tag in the show yet (I’m sure it will be a
project for our free time tomorrow). My personal favorite part of the day was Zabo lining field as
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we destroyed the Rhode Island grass. His field lining form is: one hand back in a claw, tongue
EP-Hell was especially interesting today because I was accidentally rooming with Ben, and they
were doing room checks to make sure that no one roomed with someone of the opposite sex.
Oops. SOOOO, I sprinted to our room as soon as ensemble ended and got all of my stuff out of
our room. Who needs to eat when you can avoid getting kicked off of tour because no one
thought to organize room assignments for the members and allowed them to just pick rooms? I
Visual warmup was interrupted by a cop who told us we couldn’t be in the parking lot of a bank
to warm up. LOL. The show was apparently high energy, but I had the roughest show I’ve had to
date. I was physically drained and still a little blown from the negative rehearsal vibe today. I’m
Hype for Tanglewood tomorrow and some floor time and a free day!!!
July 6
I was too sick to write anything after Tanglewood, so I’m writing this on the 7th. It was a
combination of dehydration and really terrible cramps. I wanted to lay down and die. I actually
wanted to die rather than exist in this pain. I threw up at a rest stop. I have no idea why I got so
sick.
During the day was fine; I spent a lot of time with Kait, which was nice. We started the day in
subs and did down the line. Volume down the line. As in, play an Ab3 as loud as you possibly
can. It was a really weird subs block. We rehearsed some more while the other corps actually
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walked around Tanglewood, so that fucking sucked honestly. My friends from Boston and
We ate off of Boston’s food truck, and OH MY GOD REAL FOOD!!!! We had another rehearsal,
and then a masterclass with the Boston Pops Brass and Mike Martin and John Mackey. They
answered bandos’ questions, and I just took a nap. I wish they’d talked about being a great
Our standstill onstage performance run of the show began poorly because the tubas missed their
entrance and the trombones had a rough time recovering from that error—half of us came in. The
rest of the show went swimmingly. I was happy to be performing on that stage as a Cadet.
Finally.
1812 was, according to audience members, better than 2015. Joe and I just kept laughing (we
were in the offstage choir that surrounded the pavilion, so we didn’t play until the last minute of
the piece—less for me to memorize!) at all the bullshit going down onstage—mostly horrific
timing and poorly executed releases. It was not nearly as much of a free day as 2015, but I got to
see so many friends and hear an incredible medley of all four corps’ songs from the Boston Pops
July 7
Sully, Gino, and Kristi came back today. We got wrecked, but in a good way. Etiquette was crazy
good today (I think because Sully’s reputation for wrecking students precedes him). Even field
lining was extra careful this morning; Sully pulled up to the school, backed a Mercedes Benz
into a handicap spot and immediately unbuttoned his shirt. He’s a character, cursing at us, but I
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get the vibe he already cares about us more than our other caption head. RIP Bob, I don’t know
what’s going to happen. Visual just got ramped up because now we have two caption heads. I’m
The music push continues, as JP also arrived today. We got even louder, and the bari line is
completely burying the high brass. I’m so proud of my boys and the three other girls and myself,
Reflecting on the past few days, I think I was in a slump because I wasn’t getting better (or at
least didn’t feel like I was). Today, I felt how strong I am and was able to push even harder.
Having everyone around me be as equally determined helped, too. Things are changing around
here. They tightened uniform etiquette as well (Cadet mode until dismissed after the show). I
need to get better about keeping a straight face. I break in terms of eye contact easily because
I’m so distracted and my eyes are drawn to colorful things at showsites. The moral of today was
that the slump is over, and it’s time to start the ass kicking process. Watch out.
July 8
“I sweat too much today to have a bad show tonight.” The day was real rough—South Carolina
was HELLA hot. My dad was waiting outside the bus when I got off; he brought Gatorade and
his cameras! Everyone was so thankful. I am so thankful for my family. I would like to make it a
goal to stay in touch more and be more present even while I’m here.
They intentionally kicked our ass today; George took 15 minutes of EPL to tell us that we gave
up during ensemble (specifically the battery for some reason). This group of people takes harsh
criticism very well. We were able to move past a “bad” ensemble and had a fantastic, high
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energy show. It was a home show of sorts because we are in the Deep South, and seeing my dad
on the sideline taking photos was really cool. I had fun performing, even if my body/chops were
Post show, I saw Collin while we were trying to grab some Pokemon Go catches. Apparently
someone has gotten in trouble at Crossmen for playing the game? Odd. I ran into Hermes as
well. I talked about how I wanted to stay at Cadets, and how I want future hornlines to be very
strong. It’s the little things that keep you going. I think I need to do a better job of seeing the
July 9
Today was not as bad as yesterday—though still a grass field—but I think I overexerted myself,
because I had endurance problems in the show. It’s that or dehydration issues. I don’t really
know what’s going on, but I need to figure it out soon because I can’t keep dying in shows.
I was able to visit with Matt Carstensen for a bit—he misses marching and won’t be able to
march for a bit due to some family troubles. He misses doing band so much, and I really miss his
JP really tightened down the screws today. I don’t think I said a word during rehearsal today—I
talked more in show warmup, which is to say none. Today was good from an etiquette
standpoint.
SUPER RIP field lining—we were on time in the morning, but skeleton crew really fucked us
and we had to line a third field at lunch, which ended up resulting in ten minutes to eat because
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I don’t have much to report from today other than that it was a typical day. Die on the bus ride
(pass out), get no floor time, line 3 fields (two grass, sometimes three grass, and one turf),
prepare for a show, get my ass beat, eat shitty food, rush through EPL, sit on the bus forever,
perform my ass off, try to see friends, get on the bus and hope we get fed, don’t get fed and eat
saltines for dinner, and wait for the next day to begin. I don’t know if I like spring training more
than tour or not. Field lining is putting a damper on things—mostly my body. It would help if
everyone showed up. I feel like I complain here a lot. There are good moments, certainly, but
right now, it’s rough. I put on a tough kid face and deal with it, but tour is 100% where I
July 10
Today is the Disney free day, and I write to you from the one and only EPCOT park. I am across
the river from Britain and I am on the same side as the giant globe thing. It rained, and my shoes
are drying in the sun to my right. Florida isn’t so bad right now. Wait until tomorrow, though.
Today began with laundry, and this round, I split my machine with Joe. We were done
ridiculously early, and we had time to have breakfast at IHOP with Alec. We discussed Bob’s
decision to leave and our collective excitement that Sully would be running our visual program.
A woman in the gas station expressed interest in my group that went with me to Circle K, and
went so fat as to return with the laundromat with us to ask more questions and see our buses. It
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Then began chaos. Fake show hair, and we were ready to go parade through the Disney parks. It
was ridiculously hot outside and it didn’t cease being disgustingly humid until the parade was
over and a torrential downpour ensued. We thought we were going to have to not go into the
I had dinner in Japan (Ines went to Germany to laugh at American perceptions of Germany) with
the pokemon go squad, and then I broke off to be an introvert. I conclude with: everything is
going alright. The free day was well-placed, as my body needed a break (RIP Wine Dark last
night). It’s abut a month left now, and I’ll see my family in Kentucky. The light at the end shines
brighter.
July 11
We’re still in the hell that is Florida. Woke up to no field lining, but still re-lined the field (RIP)
during stretch. Visual block was chill, and Sully is beginning to gt a little testy. We’re moving
slowly because we are learning how a new process works (minus one?). I like it a lot, but it’s
making me nervous. It’s July and we don’t have a ton of time left.
Brass blocks are going better for me every day. I’m progressing (what feels like FINALLY), and
I think I’m going to be put back in on some parts. Who knows. They’re re-pacing the show soon
Ensemble was the easiest it has been in the last few days. We’ve stopped having full runs, I
think, because they realized we are in Florida and we wilt if we do the full run and then have a
show later that night. JP gave me a serious compliment, and it meant a lot to me. I want to
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The show was fine, save a near GATOR ATTACK during subs brass warm up in the swamp. We
got eaten alive by mosquitos as well. I pushed through Wine Dark like I never have before, and I
played the hell out of Letter Y to the end. I have set my new standard. It’ll be easier to achieve
once we’re out of Florida hell and have made the right pacing changes. I look forward to it.
July 12
Today will henceforth be known as Bee Hell Day. Sully had us have visual block on a field with
three different species of bees/wasps/deadly animals. I was quite stressed about getting stung
after one landed on my bell and I watched it destroy another, smaller bee. It was brutal. I kept
dodging bees after that; there are two kinds of people: Bee Dodgers and Bee Destroyers. It was
Brass got cut short because EPL is long, as we are staying at the show site. Ensemble went
quickly and was not of note, other than I got my first comment from Sully today. “Don’t run up
onto the stage, you look like a mess.” Conrad says that will be changed. For now, I jazz split on
the ramp instead of running up front. Nothing much changed other than some dots in Villa and
count structure in Wine Dark (at F of Turning). We were told to back it down because people
keep sticking out. I hope we make the right design choices, and soon. We are VERY gassed at
I fantasize about returning to UNT, sitting in Winspear, in the air conditioning. It is cool and
dark, I am with my friends. I can feel the texture of a paper program in my hands. Concert
announcements play, and offstage clapping begins. Corporon walks onstage. Downbeat. Bliss.
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Our warmup was so long today, and I was afraid that we would be tired once we finally got to
perform. However, we had a fantastic show (and a surprise encore… thanks for letting us know,
Mike). I can’t pinpoint what makes us have good/bad shows. They seem to be getting
consistently better. Cleaned the buses, and now chilling in the air conditioning for another night.
July 13
You thought we were done with Bee Hell? You thought wrong. We started putting the new
ending in, and it’s much harder. I have a set that is twelve steps away and I have to get there in
six counts. So thank you Daryl? We got through about ten charts in three hours, which is
hellishly slow, but these dots are nails—and we know what to look for in the drill. I get to coast
behind Blue during what is (as of now) the Maestoso. After that, all hell breaks loose. It better
EPL was great because we are headed to a beach free day. We had a noteworthy lunch—ciabatta
bread sandwiches with nothing on them and trail mix—and decent showers. There’s a nasty 12
hour bus ride coming out of Florida, unfortunately. No floor time for the entire corps. I hope we
make the right design choices. The point gap is getting much smaller. Also, just try not to talk in
The weird knee thing came back. It cannot be felt when I march, but when I sit down or stand for
long periods of time, I feel the inability to lock my knee. We are a month away from finals, and I
hope everything will be okay. I don’t want to not finish the season.
Something isn’t working anymore. Maybe it’s temporary. Who knows. But no matter what, I
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July 14
Today was a really hard day. It began alright, with field lining ending early plus a lift from the
stadium on the gator. Breakfast and all the other meals were the best parts about today. Morning
visual wasn’t even that bad—save the rushed drill learning process and some ridiculous step
sizes. It was when the rain began that all things went to shit. We took cover, tried to absorb 3
massive music changes, and then we were back outside. We went two hours over to recover lost
rain time, and they took out a break between Brass Stadium and ensemble. What was supposed
to be a twelve hour day became a thirteen hour day. Schedule and logistical nightmare.
Today, things just kept piling up. I think I realized how dire our circumstance was when people
started ticking on Remington exercises in subs…and then Sully’s laptop died during block, so we
couldn’t learn the connecting drill from M to N (grid) in Wine Dark. The staff was super on edge
today as well, I’m sure because they’re under a metric fuckton of pressure to get this working by
tomorrow’s show. Everyone got cranky because the staff was panicking, and there was a ton of
shit talk on the field level today. How vets and rookies handled the day’s challenges was just
unacceptable. I was most disappointed in my fellow members. Incredibly proud, but so lost as to
why people were treating each other so poorly. I am looking forward to not lining any field
July 15
Today was stressful because yesterday was a fuckton of changes and we had the pressure of a
show in the evening to push us over the edge. Everyone was getting upset with themselves and
seemed to take it out on others. For the first time, I really wanted to go to subs during visual. JP
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likes me, I think, because he wished me a good show. I like the way he runs subs. This is likely
because I have yet to tick in front of him, by sheer luck. But visual today: Daryl ripped me in
front of the hornlike because I missed a cover down. I think I have issues with seeing the form,
because I am often called out for not being in the form. I don’t know how to fix it other than by
being in a better drill spot… And not marching baritone… At Cadets… (oops/yikes)
The show had a weird vibe, I think because we were so focused on nailing the multitude of
changes. Thankfully, I didn’t see/hear anyone miss them, but apparently a few people still
missed. I am proud of myself today because I think I said less stupid things. I am learning when
to speak and when to be silent quite well. I want everything to be alright. I suppose it will be
July 16
Home show hype! I got to see Cheryl, Jim, Seth, and Dad. Seth even got to meet JP. Rehearsal
was incredibly efficient, and I had high energy all day. The brass specifically was rehearsing well
today.
The show was odd. I was fighting hard, but it felt really strange. Gino said it was the best brass
show of the year, but George told us we look weak and tired. I don’t know what I can personally
do to make it better. I feel anxious—I want to make the surge now. I know we have so much time
left in the season, but I’m getting antsy. What can we fix from a GE standpoint? What’s in and
out of my control as a performer? Am I costing the corps points? I don’t know if I should stress
about it or not. I just want high energy, high achievement shows to be our norm. “How good can
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we be on August 13th?” I don’t know what to do. I have so few responsibilities but so much to
July 17
Today began with field lining getting shit on. No on woke us up, and we had to line during
breakfast while it rained. We eventually got to eat, though, so that was good. Rehearsals were
fire, we deep cleaned like 2 pages as is now the norm in Sully block. Subs were excellent; JP is
gone and now it’s Jarrett time all the time. He told us to prepare to get 6th tonight. We apparently
aren’t achieving our show. I just don’t know what I can personally do to fix this. I play as best I
can and do my best visually, but people do weird shit in shows! I don’t understand. I just want
consistency. People re starting to blow up at one another as well; there was big drama in the
group chat about a horn stack. We’re breaking down. I don’t know what’s in my hands and what
isn’t. I keep giving it all that I’ve got, and it’s not enough. Frustration. I shared some special
brownies with David and Noah. Scott is having quite the summer with SCV, and I hope it turns
around for him. I can’t wait for August. Not to be fine. Not to be done. To begin the next chapter.
To work, to live with Melissa, have family dinners, enjoy sleeping in a real bed and eating well.
July 18
Today was an emotional rollercoaster. I got a really sweet compliment from Jeff during ensemble
about my lift, so that was cool. But in the same rehearsal, I got bitched out by a vet for trying to
help set up a form. It really hurt me. I got so upset that Noah had to calm me down after the
show. It made me appreciate my friends even more. But I’m doubting my time here more and
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more. I love the staff but the membership wears on me. But is it worth leaving? Won’t I just
encounter the same problems elsewhere? Why does every drum corps have the same issues? We
run so differently and we’re from all over the world. What causes us all to act the same way? It’s
hard for me; I get so much performance purpose from the people around me. It’s hard to perform
well when I am upset with them. I don’t know how Matt Carstensen did it. What the fuck is
wrong with people… Also, I have resolved to study my dots more often because we need
July 19
I’m writing this a day behind because I needed total floor time. We stayed the night in Broken
Arrow and I wanted extra sleep. NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: Broken Arrow is AMAZING. What
an incredible housing/show site. Jesus Christ. I can’t believe it’s a public school.
Hop made us watch clips of “The Pursuit of Happiness” and it really made me think about what
I’m doing here. Ian TOTALED Keith during stretch because he hit a pressure point on Keith’s
shoulder.
We changed the whole ballad and we were mentally and physically fucked y the time we hit
ensemble rehearsal. However, Laymon came to ensemble and we had a long conversation
afterward. I cannot believe the connections I have made through marching arts. It is incredible,
honestly. So many changes were made, and I think they are the right ones. It’s so close to San
Antonio; time is both crawling and flying by. We did a run-through and it felt ridiculously easy
compared to performing in uniform. I had steam coming off my head. Yay, Oklahoma.
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July 20
It was Broken Arrow show day, and we started with Mike Pfeil bringing Starbucks McDonalds
straight black coffee for field lining as a way of apologizing for our lives being a living hell
every morning. We were mildly blown because we were promised Starbucks, but I said thank
you to Mike, and he seemed appreciative. Visual get better process continues and we cleaned a
fuckton of shit today. Brass was great, as we added in those ballad chords and got to rehearse
inside Broken Arrow’s cafeteria with Jarrett. Brass stadium was stressful because we didn’t learn
a ton of things correctly in visual block. Ensemble was mostly ballad and Wine Dark and then we
got the hell outside. Wes died in sectionals (sleeping) and we only found out because Jarrett did
the thing where he had us repeat back what he said and Wes kinda fell over in response. EPL
sucked because we fail to communicate as a drum corps, but I was able to make my way to a
Casey’s and buy a 5 hour energy as a way to punish myself. Alan and Dan both saw my show,
and I didn’t get to see Diane for Jacob even though Blue Knights was here. I was really able to
live out my life philosophy (spend each second well) and focus up for the show. It was a step in
maturing as a performer.
July 21
We have arrived in the motherland: Denton, Texas. Chris saw my show!!! Trenton also came—it
was good to be home in Texas for a little bit. It refreshed my soul and made me more excited for
next fall. Reed and Jeff were also in my lot. Texas tour is going swimmingly. Shocker, it was
hellishly hot today, but it still wasn’t as bad as Florida. Tony sent out audition information
(August 23rd/24th) and it will be published on August 1st. Mildly stressed, but I’m going to
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practice my butt off for these auditions. Take. No. Prisoners. I’m ready to work. Let’s kill these
scales and tunes. I don’t care if it kills me, I want an A on that jury. It’s happening, and that’s a
promise. Today, the visual staff lit into our asses. It was much more aggressive than it usually is,
which is why I felt an aversion to visual block today. Subs with Jarrett felt like going to church. I
love subs. Richard also has me on the train of just worrying about myself and it has really helped
me with my patience levels. San Antonio is SO soon and from then on, it’s easy. I contacted my
third cousin today—he’s marching in the Scouts colorguard! I’ll meet him in person eventually.
How odd—marching arts talent runs in the family? We are Houston-bound. This is starting to go
by faster. The gaps are closing, and we are starting to get competitively hungry. More and more I
see myself returning here. The performance rush is overwhelming and undeniable—it’s like a
drug, even though I hate that metaphor. This is trying, but it is making me very strong.
July 22
I’m writing this two days late, but we stained in Houston and had BlueBell ice cream. Rehearsal
was good—less hot than anticipated and not as long a day as the day before. As always, we
began with a field lining debacle, and we rode in a van to the rehearsal site, which was not where
we slept. Fire ants abound. I saved a trombone from the truck because my section is still failing
to properly keep track of their own equipment. EP Hell was especially rough because our bags
were thrown under random buses and we had to search for them. They kicked our asses in brass
stadium, but the rehearsal was not of much note. The show gets almost 0 crowd reaction. People
are probably sitting on their hands. Peopled clapped more for Kobe’s solo in “Kashmir” during
encore than for our opening hit. It’s extremely discouraging that my show is not exciting.
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Met with Scott, and it was his home show, so Ma Taylor was there. Our food truck broke and we
were all given a single chicken wing… so Scott’s dad went and got me saltine crackers. I was
think partly because the techs inspire a rehearsal-like environment by giving comments in the lot.
I stepped off late because I was so distracted… I continue to be disappointed with myself. I think
the show is designed to be not performable, not humanly possible. Judges and more importantly
the audience does not entirely understand what we’re doing. I hope we fix their (and our)
attitudes soon.
July 23
It is San Antonio regional day, and we rehearsed a fuckton. Visual block destroyed us. We were
just blown about having to do so much on such an important day. All else in rehearsal was fine—
it was what happened in warmup halves that got me angry. A vet called out my show hair and I
pushed back. I said that I couldn’t help it now, and that I wanted to focus on my show. That was a
mistake. “Don’t give me that shit, rookie ass bitch.” I thought I was making a lot of progress in
standing up for myself, and that I was refusing to let myself be walked over. Our vets are just as
valuable as the rookies. I am tired of being treated like I am less than. Perhaps it is all in my
head.
The show itself was a high energy, high achievement run—it sucked to be 5th, if I can be honest.
It really, really sucked. I sat with Melissa and Juan in the lot and got to hear about their summers.
I worry about Boston making finals. I met Devin, my third cousin. He is very kind and I really
hope his summer takes a turn for the better. Bobo and I interacted through the bus window. It
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made me more excited for the fall. We returned to the housing site and I talked to Riley and Tom
for multiple hours. Tom thinks he is watching the demise of the Cadets. I am hopeful that we
figure it out next year. I talk about next year differently to different people, but I know in my
heart of hearts that I will come back if I know I could help. There’s too much turmoil for vets not
to come back. Maybe I can’t help. But it will pain me if I don’t try. Who knows what will
become of us.
July 24
Writing to you from a laundromat in San Antonio, post free day. We spent four hours in rehearsal
this morning, as the music staff got the ending music to the hornline. The drill is getting put on
tomorrow. I really don’t like the new ending music. It is an almost comical copy-paste of Appian
Way; plus, the modulation is displeasing. Most everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so perhaps it
will grow on me. From rehearsal, we walked back to shower and pack our laundry. We rode on a
bus without A/C to the Riverwalk (a.k.a. Hell). I walked around with Tom for a while. I do not
know what we even specifically talk about when we talk, but we both achieve flow state when
talking to one another. I’m sad he’s aging out. I was avoiding someone mostly, but I eventually
forced myself to meet with him. I felt that I needed to make myself do that so that I could heal.
Still no apology for last summer. He paid for my meal because I pretended to go the bathroom
and left instead. I did not miss butt-in-seat. We travelled even further, and roasted Mike Pfiel on
Facebook for our A/C not working on the brass bus. It was 102 degrees. But all is well, because
we were headed to laundry anyway. Everyone just got naked. Texas is a lawless place. I will
smell nice for about a week or so, which is enough to keep me going for the last 20 days here.
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I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think I’ll come away from the summer much more appreciative
of the life I have. There will be a lot to do, but I am ready to return to Texas. I want nothing more
than to be my very best. Make decisions from the heart and use your head to make it happen.
July 25
“Guys, I wrote a song for us today. It’s called… This is Texas and it’s warm outside here!” Merry
Christmas in July, we have a new closer and a tornado as our presents. The drill took a long time
to learn, even though it is so much easier than the old closer. I have princess drill and I can melt
peoples’ faces off. We end in a badass company front—I end next to Josh Heckler and Jay. San
Antonio treated us well—we had nice weather and ate well. Until ensemble—then the actual
storm began. We would do a rep and then look at the storm coming from backfield and it would
be much closer. And much darker. It got the point that Gino said, “Hope, when do you want them
off the field?” And then a tornado siren went off. We loaded everything extremely quickly and I
helped prop crew load the stage. We couldn’t take shelter immediately because we had to clear
the field. By then, the wind was so strong that I could barely stand. Then the lightning began.
And the rain. And the green clouds. I was taking photos of the storm when we had to evacuate to
the bathrooms under the stadium. I was stranded in a shitty stadium bathroom for two hours. At
least I got to talk to my friends for a while. We are currently in a weird EPL and I don’t know
what to do with my life. I saw Bobo twice today and she was kind enough to bring me some
food. Every time I see someone from school, I get more excited for the fall. I made a to-do list
for when I return home. I’m beyond ready to be done with band. It seems like it has been a short
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July 26
Last day in Texas. We had a (mostly) full rehearsal day, because Mike let us into the pool. And
we have a 10 hour drive to Mississippi. Mostly that. Field lining got uber fucked and lined
during stretch (and missed some of visual block). A short lunch later, sectionals with JP were in
full swing. We played 1a by age group: Sonpar and I are the only 18 year olds. Woof. We started
ensemble early because of a rainstorm quickly approaching (like yesterday but worse). To
everyone’s surprise, we didn’t have to stop ensemble. The light drizzle felt cool and it was
actually enjoyable. We did a full run and I super went on autopilot—not that I ticked, but the
motions of the show were very familiar. Afterward, I EPL’d quickly and went with Ben and Dan
to a gas station to hit up some Blue Bell ice cream. It was a ridiculously long walk on the way
there because we went by road. Realizing we only had 15 minutes left until BIS and were a bit
under two miles away, we started to make shortcuts on the way back. This included a detour
through a horse pasture. I pet the horse. We continued sprinting. We got back with five minutes
to spare and had some victory gloats. I’m looking forward to getting some good bus sleep and
July 27
Mississippi happened today. Field lining got HELLA fucked because we painted the wrong field
first. We got to ear, but we were late to rehearsal again. We finally had full brass line rehearsal in
brass, which was neat, and then we got wrecked for having bad first reps in brass stadium.
Ensemble was shorter than it was been the last few days, but still kinda shitty—production and
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wine dark chunks for reps. It was oddly cloudy today. I hope the nice weather holds when we go
to Chattanooga tomorrow. The EPL today was ridiculous. We didn’t get any “chill” time. I feel
like right now is the first time I have sat down all day. Ian’s pants ripped at the beginning of the
show (hiss) and the show tore when we hit the new ending. I was mildly blown, especially when
a trombone ended up on the ground/left on the sideline. RIP. post show cheered me up, and Dan
and I went to the gas station. A man asked for $15, and I refused, but Dan said yes. He pumped
the man’s gas, and the man offered him drugs in exchange. Dan said no, and we got the HELL
out of there. Hop talked to us about deciding to be what we want to be—we closed a lot of point
July 28
This is three days late, but we rehearsed in Chattanooga today. It was mostly rainy and shitty all
day, but field lining was honestly impressively bad. The crews were split in half and the stadium
had no football field lines—it was a soccer stadium. Here comes the stream of consciousness of
what I remember. My aunt and uncle came along with dad; I love seeing my family. Ben is super
done with this season. We had a long chat about what was fulfilling and what wasn’t. We think
this year is a transition year for the Cadets and we lost the luck of the draw. Craig bitched me out
for having an unachievable drill set in Appian Way. Tension off the field was honestly upsetting.
Rais-Semble was great until we did a run on wet turf and a ton of people fucking ate shit. We had
brass in the Chattanooga Farmer’s Market and it made me realize just how good we are. I don’t
think we could be working any harder than we are now. Everyone is fighting all the time to do
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the right thing. I just don’t know what to do, or what more I can do as a member. Onward to Red
July 29
and we made our way to Vanderbilt Stadium. Go ‘Dores. We had ridiculously fast paced
rehearsals because we went on 3rd tonight and didn’t have much time. The staff really pushed us.
But before the day began, Ian told us the story of the wildest and most stock Nashville
experience he’d ever had. There was a fight over drug money in a McDonald’s at 10 AM, and I
got to witness the exact moment that it dawned on Ian that the world is not a nice place.
Ultimately, EPL came and went and we were rather pressed for time. It was cool to shower in the
football lockers, though. The show itself was very meaningful as it was the stadium I saw my
first DCI show in. I was ready to inspire the good children of Tennessee. The audience sat on
their hands. I don’t get it. Why does this keep happening? We went and had coffee after the show
(finally) and I briefly saw some Maryville kids. Dreams are worth protecting. I need to delineate
July 30
It’s a regional day! We started with a decent amount of floor time and even field lined at a
reasonable time in the morning. Rehearsal was fast-paced, as Craig wanted to fix the trombones
today (and we did). It shit stormed on us at the end of visual, and we had subs with JP. Ensemble
was fast and rough because of the second impending doom storm, but we ended up receiving an
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extra 15 minutes. Hop bought the field liners Dairy Queen. Worth it. The show warmup was
visually average and musically above average. This carried over into our performance, which felt
extremely gratifying. I loved every second that I was on the field. There wasn’t a single moment
of give up on that field. People finally stood up. For a long time. STANDING O, BABY.
Everyone felt amazing about that run. And then we got 5th. It feels like we are spinning our
wheels as members. We fight the good fight. No one gives up. I don’t know what more I can do.
It’s not really in my control, either. Who knows what the season will bring. Who knows what
July 31
Today was certainly a day. It was what I would describe as the worst day mentally until our show
was rained out and we got to talk to the Blue Devils for an hour while we took shelter. I don’t
know what specifically made today bad—Julian and Craig being our only visual staff, Collin
running ensemble, Ryan cutting people from the trombone feature, the general shithole that was
our housing site in North Carolina, or painting the field incorrectly and having to give up stretch
to fix a mistake that wasn’t mine—but today was kind of fucked up. Then we had a discouraging
lot because everyone was concerning about the oncoming storm. I was downright afraid for that
show. I am, in truth, glad we did not go on the field. Currently we are the last corps left in the lot.
After talking to the Blue Devils, I learned and realized that the lack of sleep we receive
significantly impacts our performance, especially because our ticks and blow ups are so
inconsistent. I find it also odd how I learned to prioritize sleeping over eating meals and 1) how
fucked up that is and 2) how fucked up it is that I readily accepted that as a normal sacrifice. I
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think that everyone is so ready to be home. Today was so mutual in that feeling, throughout the
entire ensemble. We fought but there just wasn’t any passion. I feel like a weird robot. Help.
August 1
Rehearsal day in Navy Stadium, Maryland. The rain continued to follow us. I didn’t feel as bad
as I felt yesterday. Everyone is feeling real rough, though. We changed the ending again, this
time with cheesy horn moves. We also added a Super Mario jump and plume antics before the
accel. in Wine Dark. I don’t know what the focus of rehearsal is anymore. We have started doing
pointless reps. I feel like we waste a lot of energy. We did a full run today and it was mostly fine,
but there is still a large part of the show that lacks clarity (at least from my point of view). I feel
odd about it because the staff will say a rep got better but I will have not tried any harder or
changed anything. We are grinding to a halt, slowly but surely. Wind studies audition music came
out toady and I got extremely stressed. The music seems easier than last year, but I don’t know if
that’s because I know my studio or if it is actually easier. I want to grind or die on that audition
music until I’m happy with how I sound. Real life is starting. Shit.
August 2
Today, the unimaginable happened. My bra came undone during a rep, in front of a stadium full
of Music Is Cool campers. I was not exposed, but I was so terrified. It was a train wreck, but
happened during the drum break so there wasn’t a horn move that would have ended it all for me.
I super lucked out. Ines helped me fix my wardrobe malfunction. Logistics otherwise were a big
mess, as they now always seem to be—we were in Navy Stadium day two, plus a clinic for the
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kiddos. We still managed to justify a seven AM wakeup and six hours of rehearsal. We got one-
pointed by SCV again but we’re somehow three points away from BD? This is a super weird
season of DCI. The tenths are really present in visual; we were so close in music and general
effect (oddly). Is it just not showing up? Are we too tired to execute? What’s happening? We
work so hard, and I feel like we just aren’t seeing the results. What are we even doing… I am
August 3
Another rehearsal day. The end is nigh. Field lining got super wrecked—Craig stopped rehearsal
until we got back from lining an impromptu extra field for the battery. Visual block was
subsequently productive but tense. I felt this was unfair, as our lateness was admin’s mistake, not
ours. A quick lunch later and we were in brass fulls. A man paid $100 to hear us play “Rocky
Point”—he said, “I want to feel it.” It was a cool moment. The trombones then proceeded to get
wrecked during brass ensemble because we still aren’t nailing Appian Way excerpts. The
trumpets got it even worse, though, because apparently they got nailed on the tapes for poor
tuning on the field brass tape. We sound just as good as anyone from the box, but field brass
judges are going the town on us. Ensemble was kind of rough00it was about high reps of hard
chunks before the run. I don’t remember most of my runthrough, but I remember it being the
worst physical pain I’ve been in this season. My knees will be gone by the time I’m thirty. I am
thankful we just did laundry because our bodies are completely destroyed right now and I don’t
know how we’re going to get through these last few rehearsal days. Fighting to the end doesn’t
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have to mean destroying ourselves until we can’t perform anymore, which is what I fear will be
our fate.
August 4
“I’m not mad, just disappointed.” -Gino. I’m tired of inconsistent ticks. I’m tired of being
blamed for bad shows. I don’t get how it isn’t blatantly obvious that lack of sleep is seriously
handicapping us. How can George say “We just can’t seem to get a show right” when the
hornlike has the most effective lot we’ve had all season? What the HELL can I do differently?
Can I do anything? My phone is dead and I can’t charge it or the portable until we get to the
housing site. We have a rehearsal day and I guess it’s time to clean the same old shit that we
always get clean and then blow up in the show. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. How can I
not be frustrated? I feel like 45% of mistakes that are “mine” are my actual own fault while the
other 55% is due to inconsistencies around me that cause me to make errors. I feel like I”m in
some sort of weird hell. I have so much to look forward to and I feel like I’m stuck here. I
haven’t found a redeeming quality in these last few days; we are marginally getting better and
our shows feel like they are getting weaker and weaker, not stronger. I don’t want more time. I
want us to be smarter, to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it faster. Allentown is in two
days. I remember feeling very differently at this point last year. I don’t feel like I’m going to
miss this at all. A lot of people argue and fight. There’s so much tension. I just silently observe
the world falling apart around me. I can’t do a thing but wait it out.
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August 5
Today was not bad at all. We had a rehearsal day and shared our housing with Cadets2 ( which
meant a nice early lunch between our two visual blocks). We got to watch their ensemble and
runthrough; they are quite good! We were lucky enough to get to hand them their member hats. It
was a sweet moment. The morning was questionable for me because I woke up completely alone
on the bus with a dead phone. No one woke me up to let me know that we’d arrived at the
housing site. I went inside the school and tried to find everyone, but I couldn’t. I found an outlet
and learned that field lining was meeting at 8 AM. I set up my mattress in a bathroom and went
to sleep. I kept waking up to roaches crawling all over me, so I moved into the hallway. Nick
Franck walked by me at 7:30 and told me that we’d been sent the wrong time. It was fortunate
that I was sleeping where I was. Craig announced that he would return next year as caption head
and we rode that high all day. Subs were fun and I found myself smiling a lot. Ensemble and the
run were enjoyable and I even had time to sit down and work on my audition music for the fall.
It isn’t as bad as I thought. I am so happy. We are currently in a Hop talk. Allentown is tomorrow.
Things are looking up. The journey is coming to a close and we are pushing. I am back on board.
August 6
A baritone player caused a collision in the DNA passthrough, and other than that moment of
panic, I had a good Allentown. We did end up fourth but I stopped giving a shit two weeks ago.
We’re fighting a general effect war, and it’s really a bummer. We do well in captions we (and the
hornline) have control over, but general effect kills us all. I don’t even know. We are on a six
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hour ride to Buffalo, where we have another show day tomorrow. Then we have Massilon before
rehearsal days and then finals sequence. The passage of time is strange. Feel like i have a month
left. I have been doing this so intensely and for so long that it’s hard to imagine real life. Brass is
getting so consistent. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do. I won’t give up. I fight until
the end, knowing that this show is the hardest show available this summer. It’s just frustrating to
not be given credit for it all. I don’t know what we can do. All I do is keep going. I was helping
Ines walk back to the bus because her ankle got turned around and I kept thinking about the
corps song lyrics. I am where I am and see what I see because of everyone I’ve spent this
summer with. Those who came before. That means more to me than a placement. As long as I’m
here, I’ll be okay. At some point. I just have to decide to not give up.
August 7
Today was fast. Everything just happened really quickly. We went on third, so we had a “short”
day, meaning that we have a two hour visual block and that was our longest block. It went by
oddly quickly. My favorite thing about today was JP having us “play” our feelings; no one had
picked up their trombone, so I picked up my trombone and played “Low Rider.” Everyone
laughed and I felt that it lightened the general mood. Contrast this with our show later, when an
audience member yelled, “Get rid of the trombones” before our show (I got a lot of support on
social media for that one). The show was weird. I was ridiculously self aware the whole time and
through of chunks as rehearsal chunks and not show performances. I think this was due to a
weird warmup lot and a delay because the gates to the stadium wouldn’t open. We have no visual
warmup and a more than complete brass warmup. It was a whole lot of hurry up and wait. I think
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it is important to acknowledge that the days are starting to move faster. Also, Julian stood in for
Victor at the pass through and got hit. So, I don’t even know. But I’m ready for it to end. Also
August 8
I think we passed Vanguard and we got our sign back from one of their buses. No idea what we
took in brass, but the fight is on. You could tell me that we have 4 days left or 4 months left and
it would feel like the same amount of time. We line our last fields tomorrow and we’re staying in
hotels. Craig blocks excite me, but I am tired of the grind. Only a few more days of tolerating the
staff waiting for us to make mistakes so they can jump on us. Brass is exciting because we are
doing so well. I had a good show because I viewed it as a chance to pour my heart out onto the
field. It gave me a lot of energy and it helped that it was generally a good show. It’s time to move
on, and end this journey. This is the last chapter. This is how this ends. “My dream is for you to
not give up.” I’m not giving up and I’m going to finish this. I hope I get something out of this
season. I want a reason to come back. I want everyone to be okay. Return home safe, friends.
August 9
Second to last rehearsal day and it began with the final episode of field lining: Ropes crew
edition. The three friends in Knightstown took a long time to line (we didn’t get stretch but it was
alright because Kendall got me coffee) but it felt so good to finish those fields. I threw a paint
can into a corn field as hard as I could. It was cathartic. Visual block with Craig was centered
around the ballad because we hadn’t ever cleaned it, but then we realized we had officially gone
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set to set, taping it, through the whole show, which is kind of incredible! We then warmed up in
fulls and went to subs, where we went through the dumb chord change at the end. Then we had
trombone stadium and JP repped us so hard. Not at all enjoyable. Brass stadium wrecked us, too,
and people got kicked off the field for being asshats. The brass bus made its return and we got an
extended snack so we could move things back. Ensemble started and I felt very numb. I wasn’t
having bad reps/wasn’t distracted , and I was doing fine, but I felt so numb. I couldn’t feel. We
did a runthrough and I don’t remember it. It took speaking with Cameron about music ed and our
passions to get me to really “wake up” again. I still feel pretty empty. The thousand yard stare is
very real. It isn’t bad. It is like a calm feeling of detachment, but slightly more negative and
terrifying. I could rehearse like this. I think I am alright. Things are happening to me. What do I
do?
August 10
I am writing from a desk, by some miracle. Hotel night #3, coming at you. Today was our last
official rehearsal day and we refused to let rain weather stop us. We got it, and we made the
necessary final tweaks (mostly applying extra counts so that the audience has time to clap and
react). Ensemble was great but Gino didn’t say much to the brass, which had us worried. The
rain storm hit at lunch and we took shelter on the buses until master JP set up sectionals in the
choir room. Today was not hype, but it didn’t feel like a grind. Apparently more rain is coming.
The next few days are going to be quite rainy. I am not looking forward to it. We had one of our
last few Hop talks and Hop asked us to reflect upon what we had learned this summer. In my
group, I said that I had learned which aspects of drum corps were healthy to apply to my life at
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home, and which were not. I spoike about “holy moments” and transcendence. Things are finally
winding down. The bees are leaving, and I have a guaranteed warm shower in the evening… The
end is so soon. Three shots left and then it will be over. I really don’t know how I feel about it.
Mostly relief, but I think I wish I had more time to reflect on all of this. It amazes me how I can
still learn things about myself even though I am in rehearsal more than I am not. David and the
rest of Phantom are very sick, and I fear that they may not make it to finals. I see Melissa
tomorrow, and many of my friends might have their last show tomorrow. I hate the competitive
component of this.
August 11
I can’t write not, I have to sleep. I have a lot to say. The day kind of blew, to be honest. The run
was good but not great, ensemble taxed us as it always does, and we warmed up so far away
from the park. We went from 4:30 PM to 2:30 AM without food, and I had to get up at 7:30 for
field lining, so I tried desperately to sleep on the bus while starving. It always scares me when I
see people sleeping on the way to shows. Our bodies are so broken that it isn’t even funny.
Scott’s kindness overwhelmed me; he stole me food from the SCV food truck. I feel that I have
changed, and not necessarily for the good. I believe it was the role we were forced into as rookies
this year. The promo for the reality television show came out and it was pretty far off from what
it’s actually like to march, and I am so ashamed to be part of this. I hope that show isn’t nearly as
bad as its commercials are. They compared DCI to the Olympics. Ridiculous. Josh, Claire, and I
cried on the bus to the hotel because of how wrecked we are in terms of lack of sleep and show
design. I’m not even disappointed in the results, I just get so upset that we worked so hard for
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this and keep getting completely shafted. The end is here and I’ll be on a plane home sooner than
I’m ready to be. I am resilient. Wake up and keep fighting, you’re so close.
August 12
It’s semis and we are in 6th. We moved to 6th. On semifinals. I un-ironically punched a wall
because I don’t know how else to process what I feel. I did not go to watch the age-out
ceremony. That and after I punched the wall, I applied to be on leadership next year. I was the
first one. I think I did this because I hate myself on some level. After our excellent show, Nick
and I went to the gas station and then just talked for a while. I cried on the field because I was so
proud of Boston—we’d just gotten the news about them making finals. I cried for Scouts as well.
I felt everything for all of my friends, and nothing for myself. I don’t like how Craig heckles us
in the lot. Everyone is very on edge. Today was the last day in Knightstown because we are
anticipating rain tomorrow and will be rehearsing in an indoor stadium. We sleep in the
auditorium tonight. I’ll be missing my hotel bed. This is a ridiculous year for DCI. I don’t know
what to make of it. I need a redemption year after this. I want another shot with another year.
This show is just too much. I’m ready to be home, mostly because I need to process everything
that was this summer. What I’ll tell people. How I actually feel. I am ready. There are many
people I’ll miss but some that I won’t. I hope the right people come back. The best people are the
ones who never seem to come back. I’m ready to kick some ass this semester. I’m not leaving the
activity on this note. Try and catch me giving up. I am close, but I cannot. I want this to go well
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August 13
I have been thinking about how to start this entry since May 17th. I am on a bus to the indoor
rehearsal facility. The first thing that I have to say is that I have changed. I am thankful for this
opportunity, because it guided me to what I love (music theory, weirdly enough). And it taught
me that if I absolutely love something, I will fight for it. I learned how to protect my dreams. I
am an old soul and I am destined to make a lot of change. I am ready to stand on the same field
as all of my friends. I am ready to get back at it with a renewed intensity. This has been a
ridiculously long and taxing summer. Remember what it felt like to come off of that field.
Remember what Gino said (drum corps just stops, and then you go home) and remember how
proud George was. Remember setting the retreat block and standing on that field with everyone
you love. Remember the anger that you felt. What it’s like to be sixth place for the first time
since the 1990’s. To pour your soul and all of your summer into a product and to be completely
invisible. To have to clean the bus and do inventory at 2:30 AM and then be woken up at 7:30
AM for banquet. Remember how far you’ve come and how much you accomplished. Remember
long bust rides and getting to sit with Danny. Remember the brass bus antics. Remember feeling
less home than last year, but more fulfilled. Remember how much you wanted to be on that field
again, with another show and another show. Remember your killer instinct. Remember everyone
who’s returning and everyone who cannot. The fire is still there, and we will be incredible. We
are incredible and no score can take that away from me and my people.
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August 14
Delta flight 431: Indianapolis, 8:06 PM. It rained. A lot. We threw out trash and loaded up amid a
monsoon and made our way to banquet. I really enjoyed banquet and the visual caption gave me
a distinguished service award. The bears got Travis, Jarrett, JP, and Conrad bathrobes as our staff
gift. We got to the airport and I spent a ton of time just chilling and catching up with all my
Boston peeps on the flight to Atlanta. The man next to me on the flight recognized my jacket and
we talked about band until I fell asleep mid conversations. Oops. I chilled with Wes for a good
while and now I have about two hours until my summer travels end for real. I am excited for next
year. This was such a tough year to march Cadets, and I got through it with but a few scratches. It
is time to turn the page. The next few days will be an organizational nightmare for me. I want to
just focus on getting everything done these next few days and to not stress about what’s not in
my control. I will do what I can, and that is all. There is a lot to be proud of, and I am very lucky
to just be part of the Cadets, I think. We end up places for certain reason, and I think this is what
I needed to help myself believe in my abilities the way that others do. I feel renewed already and
I haven’t even had my day off yet. I think it’s hard to return from being all out all the time and
then have the pace change like that. But I am ridiculously excited for the next semester, and
August 15
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