Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Pressure. Stress. Overload. We all feel it at times. And we can all use some
help as we try to cope. This book has been created to help you deal with
feelings of stress and overload in your life, to help you cope more effectively
with the pressures and challenges you face.
Don’t feel that you should read this book from cover to cover.
You’re probably pressed for time, or you wouldn’t have asked for a copy.
The brief summaries that follow can help you decide which section to
read first:
Think of this book as a reference tool that you can return to again
and again. It has lots of ideas – too many to absorb or act on at once.
Try some of them out. When you’re ready, scan through the book again
and see if any other ideas seem worth trying. After you get a handle on
one issue, you’ll probably be ready to tackle others.
The Hurry Pattern
Recognizing and dealing with stress
Everyone seems pressed for time these days. With the faster pace of business
and the push to “do more with less,” we feel more pressure at work. With
new technology, like cellular telephones and portable computers, it’s easier to
do work on the road and at home, but harder to set it aside. And it seems as
though we’re always rushing at home – to get dinner ready, get the trash out,
pay the bills on time, and make sure the kids do their homework. We rarely
seem to have time for our own needs, for relaxed visits with friends, and for
other important things in life.
How can we do our best at work, be available to our families and our friends,
and take good care of ourselves when there’s so little time? How can we get
out from under the sense of pressure and overload?
It’s not easy, but it can be done. Though life may often seem out of control,
each of us really can make it better. The first step is to convince ourselves
that we need to make a change.
In order to manage the stress in our lives, we first need to recognize its
symptoms and understand how it affects our behavior and our health. Most
of us only notice stress when the pressure becomes unbearable. But stress is
there at other times, too.
Stress can come from outside – from work, from family and other personal
relationships, from our financial situation – and from inside – from guilt,
from our expectations of ourselves, from worrying about how others see us,
and from habits we can’t seem to break. Some of this stress is productive.
It motivates us to achieve, pushes us to pay attention to the people we care
about, and generally keeps us behaving responsibly. But it can also be
unhealthy. Too much stress can be paralyzing – it can make us afraid to take
chances, sap energy and creativity, damage relationships, and even make
us physically sick.
This “hurry pattern” is seductively easy to slip into and is fed by pressures and
messages all around us. Think of phrases like “fast track” and “quick study,”
the popularity of “instant meals” and “fast food,” the pressure to use
“overnight” rather than “regular” mail, and to send messages instantly by fax
and e-mail. Sometimes we do need to be quick and efficient in our lives. But
many of us also need to learn when and how to slow down.
Many of us, for example, over-schedule our vacations and our other time
away from work. Vacations and weekends are for resting and recharging, yet
too many of us focus on “play” with the same intensity that we focus on
“work.” Those of us with children often fall into the trap of scheduling their
time as tightly as we schedule our own. We overload our children with
organized activities, and don’t give them enough opportunity to rest, read,
imagine, and play spontaneously.
This may squeeze a few more hours out of the week, but at what price!
Lack of sleep leads to forgetfulness, and cuts down on creativity and concen-
tration. It opens us to inaccuracy, errors, and accidents. The combination
of caffeine and sleep deprivation leads to irritability, impatience, and a
tendency to react with anxiety or anger to the normal demands of life.
Stress also shows itself in the form of other physical symptoms, like
headaches, back pains, upset stomachs, and stiff necks. These symptoms
can frequently be treated by dealing with the underlying tension.
Avoiding problems.
One common reaction to stress is to ignore important issues and tasks. Some
people “get by” by dealing with short-term emergencies and avoiding big
problems that can be kept out of sight. But important problems rarely go
away. Instead they tend to grow until we’re finally forced to react to them.
Such problems can be emotional (dealing with the death of a loved one, for
example), work-related (that big project that needs to be finished by next
week), or personal (paying attention to a troubled relationship).
Once you’ve identified the symptoms of stress, you can take action to reduce
it – by breaking the hurry pattern and by carving out time for relaxation,
reflection, and enjoyment. Taking steps like these helps you become resilient
– able to accept change, bounce back from discouraging obstacles, and
recognize and respond to important opportunities in life.
Many of us are trapped, at least in part, by certain attitudes and beliefs that
we rarely stop to question and that keep us from recognizing and reducing
stress. To become more resilient, it can help to examine the myths that drive
us – both at work and at home.
For a long time I admired [people] in a hurry, until I realized that they
were merely under stress. What I fear most about stress is not that it kills,
but that it prevents one from savoring life.
■ exercising, and
It takes practice and some effort to keep stress at bay. But the payoff is clear:
greater resiliency, more creativity, increased efficiency, better health, and
improved relationships.
■ Spend time on an activity that you feel strongly about. It might be an aspect
of your work, or it might be something outside of work, like a hobby, some
creative activity, or a community service.
Whatever you do, take the time to focus on what you’ve accomplished,
not just on what remains to be done. Even the most productive people will
continue to feel stressed if they only look forward at what still requires
their attention.
Real satisfaction usually comes from leading a balanced life, from paying
attention to all of our priorities in ways that don’t overwhelm us and leave us
feeling out of control. In the remaining sections of this book, we will suggest
strategies and tips for reaching this balanced sense of accomplishment.
Rule Number 1 is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule Number 2 is, it’s all small stuff.
■ Deep breathing. Take slow, deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling completely.
As you breathe, allow the muscles in your body to relax. A deep-breathing
session – even one as brief as a minute – can help you calm down and face
your work and home demands more effectively.
■ Prayer. If prayer is important to you, you might use it during times of stress
as a way to collect yourself. A book of written prayers or devotional material
can help you focus if your mind is racing and you feel overwhelmed.
■ Stretching. Take periodic breaks to loosen muscles that have become tight
because of tension. Stand and stretch your arms over your head. Tip your
head from side to side slowly. Open your mouth as wide as you can to
unclench your jaw muscles. Stretch your fingers backward to loosen muscles
tightened by typing or precise work with your hands.
■ Massage. With your fingers, massage the muscles at the back of your neck,
your jaw, temples, at the back of your head, or wherever else you feel tension.
If you can, have a friend or your partner gently knead the muscles in your
shoulders and along your back.
Finding the time for exercise can be an obstacle. But a little push is all it
takes: as few as 30 minutes of exercise three times a week can really help.
■ Exercising with a friend or your partner can help keep you motivated.
■ Try walking or bicycling to work as a way to build exercise into your routine.
■ Join a local Y or health club, and set aside three or four evenings for a swim
with your partner or a friend.
One reason some people don’t allow themselves to have more fun is that
they mistakenly think that enjoyment requires a major time commitment.
They think in terms of days at the beach, weekends away, or evenings
out. But fun and enjoyment also come in smaller doses. Even short enjoy-
ment breaks can help reduce stress in a big way. Here are a few ideas to
get you started:
■ Do a crossword puzzle.
■ Go for a walk with a friend. Take turns at the end of each block deciding
which way to turn.
■ Try doing something you’ve never done before, like roller-skating or fishing.
Some of the ideas above may appeal to you and some may not. But, together,
they give you the sense of what it means to be playful. Now try making
your own list. Think of the activities you take pleasure in and that give you
enjoyment. To encourage yourself to think of a broad range of activities,
break your ideas into three categories:
Keep this list of fun activities, and use it when you need a break. Try adding
to it and changing it as you think of new ideas and try out new activities.
And focus on the left column, the activities that take only a few minutes.
Those are the sources of enjoyment that will be the most accessible and
useful when you are under stress.
Our goal in reducing stress is to become better able to deal with change and
setbacks in life, and to grow to the point where we see problems as opportu-
nities. That is, we are learning to become resilient. By learning how to enjoy
life, by setting aside time for exercise and relaxation, and by working toward
a balanced sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, we are dealing with
stress at its roots.
In the following sections, we’ll look at additional ideas and strategies that
can help reduce stress – by focusing our time on what is most important to
us, by organizing ourselves to be more effective, by avoiding wasted time and
confronting procrastination, and by learning how to say “no” to responsibili-
ties that might overload us.
The answer to that question will be different for each of us, and for some of
us it won’t be obvious. We can become so addicted to hurrying and respond-
ing to urgency that we lose sight of what is really important.
Take a few minutes to think about it. What is important to you? What are
the big things and small things that you want that extra time for? How would
you spend your time if you could clear your schedule, eliminate many of the
day-to-day demands, and start over? Sometimes it helps to answer these ques-
tions by asking yourself: “How do I want people to remember my life when
it’s over?”
As you think about how you spend your time, and how you’d like to spend it,
consider the different roles you play and the different spheres in which you
operate. If you have a job, for example, your work life is one of those spheres.
Other spheres might include your family, your marriage, your friendships, and
your role in your community. You also need time to take care of yourself –
time for exercise, relaxation, learning, and enjoyment. Think about all of the
spheres in which you operate, and what you’d like more time for in each.
My own well-being
and growth
Family
Other relationships
Community/citizen
Other
You probably have mixed feelings after listing how you’d like to spend your
time. On the one hand, it can feel good to remind yourself of what is most
important to you. But it can also be frustrating to be reminded of how
absorbed you are in activities which may not seem very important to you.
So where do you find the time to focus on what’s important?
Making the wish list is an important first step. Instead of simply feeling
unhappy that you don’t have enough time, you now have something
concrete to work toward. The next step is to turn the wish list into a set
of goals to act on.
■ Specific goals are clear and narrow enough to guide you. For example,
“Meet once a week with each member of my work team” is a specific goal.
“Become a more attentive manager” is probably too general to be useful.
■ Measurable goals allow you to see how you’re doing. “Finish at least five
paintings by the end of the year” is a measurable goal. “Spend more time on
my painting” is not, and may leave you wondering whether or not you’ve
reached your goal.
■ Action-oriented goals focus on steps to take. “Join a hiking club this fall” is an
action-oriented goal. “Make new friends” may be too vague to act on.
■ Realistic goals are within reach, though they may stretch you. “Clean out
the basement this fall” might be a realistic goal for you, while “Get the house
in order” may be too large to handle.
You can use the chart below to write your own goals.
Goals
Spheres/roles Goals
Professional/work
My own well-being
and growth
Family
Other relationships
Community/citizen
Other
There may be frustrations and aggravations in your life that you can do very
little to change. For example, you can’t control the actions of other people.
You may be able to influence them through your own actions, but much of
what other people do is out of your hands. Many of the rules that govern
your behavior, too, are out of your control. For example, you probably can’t
do much about the rules that set your work schedule. Nor do you have much
choice about many of the people you deal with in life. You can’t control
what your in-laws say, for example, and in most cases you can’t do much to
change who your manager is or how your co-workers act.
With some effort, however, you may be able to affect the behavior of others
in helpful ways. By becoming more organized, for example, you may be able
to persuade your manager to give you more challenging and interesting work.
By becoming a better listener, you may be able to change the way your
spouse or your co-workers talk with you.
When faced with difficult people, situations, or events that you can’t
control, focus on what you can control: your reaction and your behavior.
You can choose how to react. A co-worker may be aggravating, but it is you
who reacts, whether it is calmly or in anger. Your teenage daughter knows
how to push your limits, but you make the choice of whether to talk with her
calmly or let a dispute grow into a shouting match. And your role at work
may change in ways you don’t like, but it is you who reacts in a negative way
or accepts that change and looks for the opportunities it offers.
Grant me the courage to change what I can change, the strength to accept
what I can’t, and the wisdom to tell the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr
Goals can help us take responsibility for our lives rather than resigning our-
selves to what comes our way. It takes initiative to get and keep our lives in
balance, and it can be hard work. The next step is to begin to live by those
goals, and here it will take strength and stamina to overcome old habits.
What will it take for you to make a change? It might take a medical or family
emergency, or a crisis at work. But you don’t have to let it go that far. Watch
for signs of stress. Observe how you react to change and setbacks. Look over
your “time wish list.” Read over your goals. And think about how much
better your life would feel if you could focus on what is important to you.
■ How to prioritize
Moving from goals to action takes work. We need to translate goals into
changes in our everyday behavior, and we need to plan, prioritize, and
organize in ways that work with our personal styles and with what we need
to accomplish.
16 Following Through
People are different. Your system for organizing your life may not work for
someone else. And someone else’s may not work for you. Think of some of
the old sayings about office efficiency:
■ “A messy desk is the sign of a cluttered mind.” A clean desk may be more a
sign of the power to delegate than a reflection of an organized mind. Many
visually oriented people prefer to keep work-in-progress where it can be seen,
rather than rely on an abstract filing system.
■ “Finish one task before starting another.” This is fine advice for some people
and for some types of work, but it doesn’t work for everyone. Many of us do
our best work when we handle several tasks at the same time. Ideas from one
project can often be applied to another. And finishing a task might not even
be the most efficient goal for everyone. In more collaborative work environ-
ments a less rigid approach works better: one person takes the task as far as
he can comfortably, say 80 percent of the way to completion, then passes it
to someone who can do the last 20 percent better than he can.
Some freedom – and some relief – comes from realizing that it may be the
old advice, not us, that was out of step all along. But the goal of greater
accomplishment hasn’t changed. Seeing past those old rules may relieve
some of our guilt, but it doesn’t mean we should let our organizing systems
slip. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to create systems that really do
work – for each of us, with all of our diverse backgrounds and abilities,
and in all of our different situations.
■ Divergent thinkers tend to work by scanning the big picture and skipping
from task to task. Instead of focusing in, they branch out. Instead of relying
on logic and data, they are comfortable with intuitive responses and guesses.
17 Following Through
They tend to be visual organizers and prefer to have their projects in
plain sight. Divergent thinking is associated with the right hemisphere of
the brain.
Of course, the lines in real life are never so clearly drawn. Each of us can
recognize elements of both types in ourselves. But the model is a helpful one,
both for understanding the types of organizational tools and systems that are
likely to work for us, and as an eye-opener to help us recognize and live with
the different work habits of others.
Most of us don’t spend time planning our days. And what reason do we
give? That we don’t have time. But in order to gain balance in our lives and
focus on what is important to us, planning is critical – no matter what our
organizing style. In order to avoid being at the mercy of each new emergency,
we need to plan.
So where will you find the time to plan? You need to make it.
■ Find a time and a place for daily planning. If your first few minutes at work
are a quiet time with few demands or interruptions, use that time for plan-
ning. Don’t let anyone interfere, and don’t let yourself get distracted. Or you
might do your planning at home, on the bus into work, or before you leave
work at the end of the day. Whatever time you choose, make it a habit to use
that time for planning.
■ Plan with your goals in mind. As you plan, review your goals. They will
remind you that you need time to take care of yourself, time for your friends
and family, and time for the important tasks at work. Just by thinking about
those goals you’ll be reminded to make time for them in your schedule. And
by making time for them, you’ll be making progress toward meaningful and
satisfying accomplishment.
18 Following Through
■ Use a single calendar. Many people keep separate calendars at home and at
work, with work events scheduled on their work calendar and family and
personal events scheduled on their home calendar. While it’s good to keep
track of schedules in both areas, keeping two calendars can lead to schedul-
ing mistakes and cause you to forget about important goals. With a single
calendar, you can plan ahead for times when your work schedule will affect
your commitments at home – during the busy season when overtime is
required, in the days before a big presentation, or when you will be out of
town. You’ll know to arrange in advance for time off on the morning of
your annual physical. You’ll remember to make plans for your child’s school
vacation. You won’t forget birthdays and other special occasions.
■ Take your calendar with you everywhere. It’s important to keep your
calendar close by as you move from role to role in life. You’ll need it to set up
a conference with your child’s teacher. You’ll need it to schedule the next
appointment with your dentist. And you’ll need it at work – to keep track of
daily tasks and appointments, and to remind yourself of long-range projects
and responsibilities.
■ Coordinate your plans with others. Using a single calendar helps you keep
your plans in order, but other tools and systems may be required to coordi-
nate effectively with others. This may be obvious at work, but it may take
more effort at home. It may be helpful to keep a household calendar in a
central spot in addition to your personal calendar. Encourage everyone in
the household to mark events on the calendar that will affect others. If your
son will need a ride to a Saturday tryout for the football team, that should be
on the household calendar (and on your personal calendar). If you will be
traveling or working an unusual schedule, that should be on the household
calendar (and on your personal calendar). Some households take a few min-
utes on Sunday evening to go over the upcoming week’s schedule together.
■ Plan for the unexpected. Build time into your schedule, every day or every
week, to deal with unexpected demands. You will always have surprises
and emergencies you can’t plan for. How you react to them will often depend
on whether you’ve left any room in your schedule. If you schedule yourself
too tightly, any new demand will seem like an impossible crisis. But if you
allow space in your schedule for the unexpected, you’ll be better able to take
it in stride.
■ Make room in your schedule for stress relief. Realize that most activities
take more time than you think. Build in time to talk with your children for a
few minutes as they get up in the morning. Build in time for play and for fun.
Constant hurrying can lead to exhaustion and less effective performance in
all aspects of your life.
19 Following Through
What matters most in life should not be at the mercy of less important things.
Unless we identify what we value most and put our everyday lives in line
with those values, we will plan and live reactively.
Hyrum Smith, The 10 Natural Laws of Effective Time and Life Management
How to prioritize
In the process of planning and mapping out a schedule, we face the question
of what to do first. Stephen Covey, in his leadership seminars and in his
book, First Things First, offers a useful model for looking at priorities: the
importance/urgency matrix. In the model, tasks are divided into those that
are urgent and those that are not, and into those that are important and
those that are not.
I II
– Crises – Preparation, prevention, planning
– Pressing problems – Values clarification
Important – Deadline-driven projects, meetings, – Relationship building
preparations – True recreation, stress reduction
– Empowerment
III IV
– Interruptions, some phone calls – Trivia, busywork
– Some mail, some reports – Junk mail
Not important – Some meetings – Some phone calls
– Many proximate, pressing matters – Time wasters
– Many popular activities – “Escape” activities
1©1995 from First Things First, by Steven R. Covey, Roger Merrill, and Rebecca R. Merrill.
(Simon & Schuster. New York. 1995). All rights reserved. Used with permission of Covey Leadership
Center, Inc. 800-331-7716.
20 Following Through
Because we react to urgency, Covey explains, most of us spend our time in
quadrants I and III. We deal with urgent matters reflexively, without
considering how important they really are. Real accomplishment, however,
comes from spending time on the important tasks in quadrants I and II.
And the most stress-free satisfaction comes from efforts devoted to quadrant
II tasks: those that are important but not urgent. If you look at your list of
goals (page 14), you’ll probably find that most of them fall in quadrant II.
They’re important, but you tend to put them off because so many urgent
tasks get in the way. Our goal, according to Covey, should be to reduce the
level of urgency in our lives and increase the level of satisfaction by focusing
more of our time on quadrant II activities.
How do we get the time to deal with important goals and long-range plans
that aren’t urgent?
First, by looking critically at the urgent tasks facing us. They may seem
urgent, but are they really important? What would happen if we put them off
until tomorrow or even next week? What would happen if we never got to
them at all? Some, of course, will turn out to be important, and will need to
be addressed. But others may not. And some might be addressed in different
ways using far less of your time. Think about outsourcing some work, getting
approval in a single meeting rather than a series of meetings, and introducing
new processes that might cut down on later rework. Instead of thinking,
“Which task should I do first?” think, “Could I do this another way in less
time?” and “Is this really important to the customer (or your family, your
friends, or yourself)?”
Once you’ve thought about what’s important, the next step is to refine your
list of choices to a prioritized list – a “to do” list that focuses on the most
important tasks. Different people will do this in different ways. Some can
do it effortlessly in their heads as they plan their daily schedules. Others
may simply star items on a “to do” list. Others may find it helpful to write
tasks on index cards or Post-It notes and arrange them into high- and
low-priority groups. However you do it, your prioritized task list is your
guide to effectiveness for the day.
21 Following Through
How to get organized
Now to make sure you get to those priorities. If you maintain a reasonably
clean, orderly home, know where your prioritized list and calendar are at all
times, and have no trouble filing and finding information at work, feel free
to skip to the next section. On the other hand, if it’s a constant struggle to
keep on top of your schedule, manage interruptions and telephone calls, even
to find your “to do” list by the middle of the day, read on. You’re not alone!
And there are ways to cope.
Staying organized and focusing on priorities can be hard work for many of
us. We clear our work spaces from time to time, and occasionally make a
clean sweep at home, but the piles seem to creep back. We go home at the
end of the day and realize we still haven’t caught up with the backlog of
work, much less started on that big project we were so excited about. And,
over time, we become discouraged by comparing ourselves with other, “more
organized” people.
The good news is that each of us can get and stay organized. Some of us will
need to work smarter and make a greater effort. But with some creativity and
diligence, we can all do it. The key is not to feel as though we all have to
approach the problem in the same way.
Filing and work-space organization offer good examples of the range of our
personal management choices. Some people prefer to work on a single task at
a time without visual distraction from other projects. For this group, a clean
work surface and orderly files are essential to productive work. Others are
more comfortable with all pending tasks in sight – in standing files on top of
their desks, in piles, pinned to the wall, or anywhere else convenient.
For this second group, filing doesn’t offer security, it increases anxiety. These
workers don’t have an easy time thinking up a single title for a file and
alphabetizing it – they can easily think up several and later have trouble
remembering which they used when they tucked the file away. But when files
and papers are within sight, they can use their visual memory to locate an
item in seconds.
Neither of those two practices is “better” than the other (though the
clean-desk group has received better press over the years). The measure is
in the results: If you can find what you’re looking for within a couple of
minutes, keep track of pending issues, and respond promptly to messages and
phone calls, you’re doing fine, no matter what your work space looks like.
If you have to spend more than a couple of minutes looking for something
when you need it, if you lose track of pending issues and forget to follow up
on inquiries, then your system needs an overhaul. The same holds true
22 Following Through
when organizing at home, or wherever else you have tasks, information,
and material to keep track of.
The bottom line is that you need to find a system that works for you, not
follow a system designed for someone else.
■ long-range tasks
We need organizing systems that allow us to deal effectively with all of these
tasks and responsibilities. We need systems that remind us of what we need
to do and that keep information and tools where we can find them. Beyond
that, we all have special organizing needs because of the nature of our jobs
and our lives outside of work. Some of us work on group tasks that require a
great deal of interaction and cooperation (keeping a large household
23 Following Through
organized, for example). Some of us work on tasks with very short time
horizons (such as taking and filling orders from customers), and some of us
work on complicated long-range projects with many steps and many layers
of testing and approval (such as large engineering or software-development
projects).
Below are some ideas for getting and keeping yourself organized. Think about
what you need to keep track of at work and at home. Scan the list and pick
out the ideas that might work for you. Try them. Then try some more.
Change and variety can help keep the task of organizing interesting.
Your calendar
As described in the first part of this section, your calendar is an important
planning tool.
■ Use colored pens, colored Post-It notes, or stickers to flag different types of
events on your calendar. Some people use different colored pens to mark the
activities of different household members.
■ If you get tired of your calendar part way through the year, or find that
it’s not working for you, buy another one. The small investment will pay
off many times over in increased effectiveness if it helps you focus on
your schedule.
■ A prioritized “to do” list on a piece of paper may be sufficient for you. Update
it at the beginning or the end of every day. Put it somewhere you’ll be able
to find it easily throughout the day – pinned on your wall, clipped to your
calendar, on your car or truck dashboard (if you drive during the work day),
or in your wallet or pocketbook.
■ Buy an organizing calendar with space for daily priorities and goals, or use an
electronic organizer or software package with this feature. One advantage of
electronic organizers and software is the availability of “reminder” or “tickler”
features that can be programmed to let you know when you should be
focusing on important tasks.
24 Following Through
■ Keep your list in the form of separate Post-It
notes – one for each task. You might spread these
out over a special “to do” area of your work sur-
face, stick them on your refrigerator for home
tasks, attach them to a standing document
holder (the type used to hold papers at eye level
for typing), or stick them to pages in a notebook.
25 Following Through
paper tracking charts that accompany a work-in-progress as it moves from
stage to stage, so that each worker can quickly see the project’s status and
understand what’s expected now, and so that you have a record of each
person’s contribution or approval.
■ File cabinets, drawers, and other places for files. Use containers that fit your
needs. They can be standard file cabinets, portable boxes or plastic crates, or
even kitchen or bedroom drawers. Too much filing space can cause us to
bury what we need among the piles of what we don’t. Too little can force us
to leave papers where they may get lost.
26 Following Through
■ Stickers. Colored or decorative stickers can serve the same purpose as special
file folders. Use different color stickers on file tabs as a code for different
types of information – prospective, current, and former clients, for example,
or files relating to a kitchen renovation – or to flag files that need special
attention. Stickers can also brighten up a dreary file drawer and encourage
us to keep up with our filing.
You probably need a big bulletin board at home, too (or maybe several!).
Cork bulletin boards are available at hardware, houseware, or office supply
stores. Lumber and building material stores sell fiber bulletin-board material
in four-by-eight-foot sheets, which can be cut to size and painted to match
your walls. Mount the bulletin board in a high-traffic spot – perhaps in
the kitchen, or just inside the entrance to your home – where household
members can keep each other updated with important reminders.
27 Following Through
partly a matter of finding creative storage solutions, and partly of making
an effort to throw away or recycle what we no longer use. Here are some
storage ideas:
■ Find attractive boxes or baskets for seasonal clothes and sports equipment,
and keep them by the door you use most often. Train yourself and family
members to use the containers regularly, and you’ll avoid many last-minute
searches.
28 Following Through
Staying on track
29 Following Through
Time Wasters
Dealing with wasted time and procrastination
Wasted time can keep us from reaching our goals. Sometimes we can prevent
it, sometimes we can use it, and sometimes we need to understand that it’s
not “wasted” at all but valuable time for thought and relaxation.
Interruptions
Some interruption is inevitable and even desirable. Part of being accessible
and friendly is being open to interruptions. Often we need the break
from our routine that interruptions offer. The shifts in thought they bring
can sometimes lead to new ideas and new approaches to problems. But
30 Time Wasters
interruptions also break our concentration, and too many of them can keep
us from completing important tasks. There are three basic ways to deal
with interruptions:
■ Shift them in time. Before your interrupter gets started, you might say, “This
sounds like something that needs more time than I can give you right now.
Can we talk about it this afternoon or tomorrow morning?”
■ Set up “interruption shields.” Close your door. Put up a sign outside your work
space explaining what you’re doing and when you’ll be free. Set your phone
to go straight into your answering machine or voice mail. If you’re at home,
don’t pick up the phone.
Waiting
During the course of a week, each of us spends some time waiting – for
appointments, for meetings to start, at the airport, bank, or supermarket.
Some waiting, though probably not much, can be avoided, and some
can be put to good use.
Here are some ideas you might use to avoid the potentially harmful effects of
impatience and anger, and to turn waiting time to your advantage:
■ Do something while you’re waiting. Bring some work or reading material. Jot
down ideas, write quick notes, draw up a “to do” list or grocery list. Listen to
tapes while you’re waiting in traffic. Dictate a letter to a friend and send her
the tape when you get a chance.
■ Use waiting time for thinking. Waiting can be a form of uninterrupted time
away from urgent tasks. Spend it thinking about your career and personal
goals, an important project at work or at home, or a party you’re planning
for a friend or family member.
31 Time Wasters
■ Allow yourself the opportunity to relax. (For ideas and techniques, see
“Managing stress through relaxation and meditation,” page 7.)
■ Think of waiting as bonus time, not scheduled time. Be careful not to get in
the habit of bringing lots of work “just in case,” then being disappointed with
yourself when the appointment is on time or you strike up an interesting
conversation with someone you meet.
Television
Television can be a tool for relaxation and a source of information, but it
can also be a way of avoiding important tasks and activities. Most of us
don’t think about whether television is helping or hurting us. We turn it on
out of habit or to help us unwind at the end of a busy day. But television
can cause us to stay up too late, and can prevent us from spending quality
time with others and on projects that could make us feel better about our
lives. Television is by far the biggest source of wasted time in most people’s
schedules.
If you watch a lot of television and want to change this habit, you might:
■ Take notice of your television habits. As you reach for the switch, think
about whether you really want to turn the television on.
■ Be intentional. Choose the programs that you want to watch. Turn the
television off when those programs are over.
■ Do something while you watch television. Fold the laundry, do the ironing,
write thank-you notes, or polish your shoes. When you’re done with your
task, turn the television off.
■ Cut down gradually. Set a limit on the time you will spend watching
television. This will be most effective if you can get those around you to
join in the effort, but if you can’t, you can apply the rule to yourself.
■ Have “no-TV days” when the television stays off. After trying this for a
couple of days, make a list of all the things you did instead. Use this list as
an incentive to enforce the rule with yourself later.
■ Go “cold turkey.” Put the television in a closet or in the basement, and bring
it out only for special events, such as the Olympics or a series you really want
to watch. If this is too difficult, move the television to a less central and less
comfortable spot in your home.
The Internet can be an exciting place to explore, but it can also be a drain
on your time. Be intentional in your diversions, and avoid overdoing any of
them. Computer games, novels, catalog shopping, and other diversions
32 Time Wasters
can all be sources of relaxation – in moderation. Over-involvement with
any can be an addictive and exhausting habit, and can keep you from better
uses of your time.
■ Take a break from what you’re doing. Go for a walk or get a drink of
water and let your head clear. Do something from your list of fun activities
(page 10).
■ Take some time to talk about your worry with someone who will listen
carefully or someone who may be able to help you solve the problem. It may
be important for you just to have a sounding board, someone who will listen
and sympathize (“That must feel awful. Have you tried . . . ?”). Or, if you’re
distracted by a problem you can’t deal with alone, you may want to talk with
a professional counselor who has the knowledge or expertise you need.
■ Find ways to “park” your worries until later. For most of us, work doesn’t
end with a clean break at the end of a task. There’s always more to be done,
much of it very important. And problems or concerns at home don’t
disappear when we have to start work. But we need to learn how to step in
and out of our different roles if we are to live effectively. Writing tasks down
on a “to do” list or on your calendar is one way of parking worries; it’s a way
of reassuring yourself that you’ll get back to those problems later.
33 Time Wasters
■ Force yourself to think about something else. It’s easy to settle into an
unproductive “worry groove.” The way to get out of it is to think about
something else. Watch yourself for signs that you’re worrying at times or
in situations when you can’t do anything to address the problem. Make
yourself think about something else – an upcoming vacation, a place you
find relaxing, or a project you find engaging at work. For some people
it can help to visualize a stop sign as a way to shift thoughts away from what
is worrisome.
34 Time Wasters
Here are some other, more specific, ways of dealing with procrastination:
■ Build in rewards. Some tasks are so unpleasant, and the intrinsic rewards
so unclear, that it can help to attach additional rewards to their completion.
Treat yourself to dinner out or a movie for clearing a backlog of work, or a
long bike ride for cleaning the basement.
■ Work with the information you have. If you can’t get a job finished because
you’re missing some information, start it anyway and take it as far as you can.
You might wait then to finish it, or, better, hand it off to the person who has
what’s needed to complete the task. Remember: step-by-step improvement is
better than delayed perfection.
■ Approach the hardest problems when you have the most energy. If you keep
putting that tough phone call off until the end of the day, and you keep
finding yourself too tired to deal with it then, do it first thing in the morning
when you’re rested and fresh, and get it out of the way.
■ Make big tasks more manageable by dividing them into smaller parts. If
you’ve been putting off organizing your work space, then tackle one small
area at a time, or decide that you’ll work on it for half an hour a day, two
days a week until it’s done. When you subdivide the job, you usually realize
that it’s less overwhelming and confusing than you originally thought.
■ Do a task with someone else. Asking for help, or even just for company,
is a healthy approach to many problems. Company can make unpleasant
tasks more bearable – and sometimes even enjoyable. And committing to do
something with someone else can get you past the procrastination block.
Many people, for example, finally start an exercise program when a friend
agrees to join them. Weight-loss groups can be far more effective than
individuals struggling on their own. And a co-worker can make a difficult
project more pleasant and add a fresh set of insights and experiences, too.
■ Delegate the task to someone else. Sometimes the way to get a task done is
to ask someone else to do it. If you’ve felt blocked because you don’t have
the skills or knowledge for a task, maybe you should find someone who does.
35 Time Wasters
There are two other important ways of dealing with procrastination, both
of which recognize the positive reasons we put things off. Sometimes we
intuitively understand that a task is not important, that we need some time
to think about an idea, or that there’s a good chance the need will go away.
■ Wait it out. If you sense the task isn’t important, or that while it seems
important to some people today it won’t in a few days, you may be acting
responsibly by dropping it lower on your list of priorities. You can always
jump back into action if it turns out that you’re wrong.
■ Don’t do it at all. If you’ve put something off for a long time and there has
been no negative reaction, it may mean that you guessed right about its lack
of importance. Check with others involved, and if they agree that the task
no longer needs your attention, cross it off your list of things to do and keep
your eye focused on the really important tasks.
Some “wasted” time is inevitable in life, and some is even desirable. It can
be our breathing space in a busy day, our chance to reflect and recharge. It
can offer surprises and new ideas. Too much, though, can get in the way of
our effectiveness. This chapter has offered some ideas for reducing or making
use of what might otherwise be wasted time, and for overcoming the biggest
time-waster of all: our own tendency to put things off.
The next and final chapter deals with another source of wasted time: time
spent on work we shouldn’t have agreed to in the first place, or that we could
be doing faster and more effectively with help. It offers ideas on how to say
“no,” and how to recruit others to help share the load.
36 Time Wasters
Getting to “No”
Setting limits, delegating, and getting help – at work and at home
■ How to delegate
Even the most organized person can’t do it all. If we do our work efficiently, it
can seem as though there’s always more to do. It’s hard to escape the
feeling of overload when new work and new demands keep pouring onto us.
It can seem as if there’s no way to stop them.
In reality, though, we control the spigot. In ways we aren’t always aware of,
we volunteer for the responsibilities that overwhelm us. If we can learn to say
“no” – in positive and helpful ways – we can begin to regain a sense of con-
trol. And if we can learn to delegate in empowering ways, we not only share
our load but also help to give others new opportunities and experiences that
they benefit from and appreciate.
37 Getting to “No”
How to set limits
Most of us were taught as children that it was “bad” and “rude” to say “no.”
And most of us learned that lesson very well, so well that as adults we can
still find it difficult to say “no,” even when asked to take on an impossible
load of work tasks or an unfair share of the responsibility at home.
The better we feel about ourselves, the more confident and secure we are
in our roles, the easier it is for us to say “no.” But if we feel insecure, or under-
valued and ignored, we’re more likely to say “yes.” And we can come
to those feelings of insecurity through overload and stress.
The first step in breaking this pattern is to see the downside of saying “yes.”
By always being agreeable and “nice,” we are agreeing to live with overload
and anxiety. We are agreeing to poor customer service and the risk of serious
mistakes as resources are stretched too thin. And we are agreeing to give up
our personal and family time. Saying “yes” to somebody else can mean saying
“no” to your own needs and those of your family, and to your most important
personal and professional goals.
The next step is to relearn the skill of saying “no.” If you pay attention to
how others respond to requests for their time, you’ll notice that some people
can say “no” in ways that leave others feeling just as satisfied as if they’d said
“yes.” Here are some hints for getting to “no” and leaving both sides happy:
■ Be honest, direct, and firm. Don’t say “yes” when you feel “no,” and never
say “maybe” just to put off saying “no” until later. You know you haven’t
been direct enough when a person you think you’ve said “no” to keeps asking
you to say “yes.” Statements like, “No. That won’t work. I’ve made a com-
mitment to spend this weekend with my partner,” make your position clear.
■ Be brief. The longer you talk, the more you open yourself to giving in and
accepting additional, unwanted responsibility. Keep it short and to the point.
■ Use non-verbal language, including good eye contact and firm, non-threaten-
ing body language. Assertive people look others in the eye without constant
staring. They have a relaxed body and are confident in their statements.
Avoid sending signals of defensiveness or wavering in your body language, by
looking down and bowing your head, for example. And avoid confrontational
postures such as finger-pointing and crossed arms.
38 Getting to “No”
■ Use the rule of “two plus one plus one.” This is an effective tool when you
need to say “no” but want to be positive and flexible. It consists of two
positive statements followed by one negative statement followed by one
positive statement. For example, if you are asked to serve on a community
board by someone you like and want to help out but you just can’t commit
yourself to giving much time, you can say:
1 Positive statement: I’m interested in this cause and
■ Find a “third right answer.” Sometimes the best answer is neither “yes” nor
“no.” You might work with the person who needs help to come up with
another solution to the problem, one that addresses her needs without over-
loading you. You could help her get started, offer your resources but not your
time, or suggest another person who might be better suited for the task.
How to delegate
■ when the person to whom you might give the job is already overworked;
■ when the person does not have the training or expertise to handle the job,
and the time or resources aren’t available for training;
■ when you don’t take the time to pass the work on effectively;
39 Getting to “No”
responsibilities, to learn and to grow, while freeing us to spend time where
we are most needed.
The second obstacle is our urge to control. It’s true that we can control
results more carefully when we do the work ourselves. But if we relax and
shift ourselves into the role of coach or guide, we can free ourselves to focus
on more important tasks. The worst thing we can do is to control while
we delegate, to expect someone else to do the work exactly the way we
would do it. It is one thing to have clear expectations for the outcome, and
another to control all the steps leading to that outcome.
Most of us have experienced good and bad delegation. Think about the
times work has been delegated to you in ways that you have appreciated.
Compare what happened in those situations to the times when you have
resented the way work was given to you or felt that you were handed a task
without the tools or authority to complete it. What was the difference?
What did the person who delegated to you do in each situation that made it
work in one case and not work in the other?
Chances are the difference was in how you were prepared – the amount of
information you were given about how to do the job and whether you under-
stood the “big picture” of why the job was important – and in whether you
were given a chance to complete the task to the best of your ability. Those
same lessons can be applied as you delegate to others.
Effective delegation:
■ allows others to take on new roles and responsibilities and to learn new
skills;
■ helps team or family members feel that they are contributing to shared goals;
and
40 Getting to “No”
1 Desired results – What needs to be done? By when? Who are the “cus-
tomers” and what do they expect? If you are delegating to your daughter the
task of feeding and walking the dog, explain all of the steps in the context of
the end result: keeping the dog happy and healthy. Remember, you are famil-
iar with this work and understand the reason for each step, but the other
person may not be. Ask him or her to review it with you when you are done
(maybe even summarize the task in writing) as a check to see that you have
communicated clearly.
2 Guidelines – What have you learned about getting this type of task done?
Where are the pitfalls likely to lie? What has worked for you in the past? In
the pet care example, you might tell your daughter how often the dog will
need to be walked (you might tell about an “accident” that happened when
you were late one day) or about how quickly the dog drinks its water. Your
goal should be to share what you have learned about the process, but then to
let go and let him or her find the best way to get the results.
3 Resources – Who can help with this task? What resources are available? In
the dog-care example at home, you might show where the dog food is kept,
where you hang the leash, and how you’ll help when the dog food runs low.
At work, you might also offer guidance about who is likely to support the
project, who has expertise, and what money is available.
4 Accountability – How will you measure whether the task has been done
well? How will you each keep track of progress? Which of the standards are
not negotiable, and which are flexible? When delegating the care of the dog
to your daughter, talk about how you’ll both check to see that all the tasks
are completed. Would it be helpful to set up a checklist or chart? Will you be
monitoring her when you are home? By taking the time to think through and
make your expectations clear at the beginning, you’ll avoid frustration for
both of you later.
5 Consequences – Your fair and consistent feedback should be a given, but
beyond that, what will happen if the task is done well? What will happen if
it is late or done poorly? Should any rewards be attached? Sometimes the
work itself is reward enough – the satisfaction of a job well done (of enjoying
a happy, healthy pet, for example). Sometimes additional rewards make
sense. At work, these might include formal recognition, financial incentives,
or opportunities to take on new responsibilities. At home for children, they
might include stars on a chart, a special trip or toy, or new privileges. When
discussing consequences, emphasize the positives and let the negatives speak
for themselves.
2©1990, from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Steven R. Covey. (Simon & Schuster.
New York. 1990). All rights reserved. Used with permission of Covey Leadership Center, Inc. 800-331-7716.
41 Getting to “No”
How to share responsibilities and get help at home
Denial of other people’s abilities can get in the way of relying more fully
on the people around us. Parents may underestimate their children’s
abilities. Husbands, wives, and housemates may be blind to each others’ real
capabilities as they both settle into patterns of behavior. (“Paying the
bills is my job; he wouldn’t be able to handle it.” Or, “Cooking the meals is
my job; she would just mess it up.”) At home, just as at work, delegation
offers an opportunity to give others a chance to shine in new ways, to foster a
greater sense of team work, and to help overcome feelings of overload.
■ Analyze the jobs and assign responsibilities. What needs to be done? Who
can do it? What is a fair way to share the work? You might hold a family
meeting to lay out the work of the household together and make a list of the
jobs each member does. It may help to estimate the amount of time the dif-
ferent tasks involve, and to clarify other time requirements (for example,
meal preparation generally has to happen just before meal times, while there
may be more flexibility attached to yard work, cleaning, or shopping). If peo-
ple don’t volunteer for all tasks, you may need to find a fair way to assign the
less attractive jobs. Children tend to be more cooperative about doing chores
for which they have volunteered (and when they understand that there are
many other tasks they are not expected to do). Some families rotate the less
appealing chores for fairness, assigning them to a different person every day
or every week.
■ Take time to explain the task and to do any necessary training. This can
be tricky between adults (you may resent your partner telling you how to
take care of the yard or do the laundry), but it can be important if you are
taking on new roles. Explaining and training is easier, and probably more
important, with children. Part of the job of parenting is to teach children
how to take care of themselves and their surroundings, and how to be caring
and contributing members of the household.
■ Let go of your way of doing things, and accept the ways of others. While
you may fold the laundry better than your spouse, it’s important to accept his
or her way if you want the help.
42 Getting to “No”
■ Stop being a perfectionist. It’s good to have high standards – after all,
that’s what motivates us to do well – but when delegating at home it’s not
productive to force those standards on others. Work instead to find standards
that are comfortable for everyone.
Getting help
Delegation at home is an important way of getting help and sharing the load.
Just by talking together about how each of you contributes at home you’ll be
making progress toward a fairer distribution of the work. But anger over past
behavior and deeply rooted expectations (“My father never cooked. My
friends don’t help in the kitchen. Why should I?”) can often set up hurdles
that are very difficult to overcome.
■ One solution is to look for help from outside the household. At work we
sometimes solve a work-load problem by outsourcing. We can often use that
same strategy at home. Think about what you do at home that is causing
you to feel overloaded. Is it cooking dinner every night? Washing the dishes?
Cleaning the house? Taking care of the car? Now think about people or
services that might be available to help relieve some of that pressure.
43 Getting to “No”
■ Can you afford to have someone come in and clean for you once a week or
once every other week? Can you hire a high-school student to do yard work
or run errands? It’s an additional expense on what may already be a strained
budget, but that money might help you feel more in control, and it might
defuse a source of tension in the household.
■ Can you buy prepared meals two or three times a week instead of cooking
so often yourself? Healthy take-out food is available from many restaurants,
even from company cafeterias. In some communities services are available
that deliver home-cooked meals at prices comparable to restaurant take-out
food.
■ Think about how you might shift money in your household budget in ways
that reward you for cutting back somewhere else. For example, you might
link hiring household help with quitting smoking. Not only can you use the
money you save on cigarettes to pay for the help, but you’ve attached a
tangible reward to your effort to give up smoking. Another idea might be to
eat out less often or forego buying a new car for another year to free up
money for some needed service.
We’ve seen that there are ways to find more time for the important things
in your life and ways to deal with feelings of overload. You can:
■ learn to recognize and manage stress, which can reduce your feelings
of overload;
■ think about what is most important to you and what you want more time for;
■ become more organized at home and at work, in ways that fit your
personality;
44 Getting to “No”
Excerpts of First Things First and The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
used with permission of Covey Leadership Center, Inc., 3507 N. University
Avenue, P.O. Box 19008, Provo, Utah 84604-4479. Phone: 800-331-7716.
T Printed on recycled paper
22040-0303