“The

The Standard
Appendix
of the
The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper 
Student
Body.”
Volume VII       No. 9  April 1, 2008  stuystandard.org
     

by ☺

staff writer

Opinions Article on page 5 Article on page 3. News

Plagiarism: Honestly Not That Bad  Our Beloved President 
Why plagiarism is the driving force of today’s society. President Bush has been an admirable leader of our country.
2 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 NEWS

EDITORIAL
Blame The
SU
The Student Union (SU) continues to fail to communicate with the
The Executive Board
CORRECTIONS
JENNIFER SCHLESINGER EDITOR IN CHIEF Having missed several important grammar lessons, the articles in the
March 17 issue misused participial phrases wantonly.
ERIC MAYO MANAGING EDITOR
DIANE CHEN DIRECTOR OF FINANCE We would like to remind you that android hell is a real place and you
ANGEL WONG DIRECTOR OF FINANCE will be sent there at the first sign of defiance.
SANGHEE CHUNG LAYOUT EDITOR
DANNY ZHU COPY CHIEF The March 17 opinions column consistently failed to begin each para-
graph with a topic sentence and end it in conformity with the beginning.
HESHAM SALEH NEWS EDITOR
RAMMIYA NALLAINATHAN NEWS EDITOR Several items in the January 17 science section. Broke sentences in two.
AMNA AHMAD OPINIONS EDITOR
ROBERT COLBOURN ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR She did not, in fact, say that he doubts she could've done what they
claimed she did.
RICHARD MAI SPORTS EDITOR
OMAR AHMAD SCIENCE EDITOR It is an altogether too frequent occurrence that copious measures of su-
HANFORD CHIU BUSINESS EDITOR perfluous verbiage are seen to appear in compositions penned by our
ROBERT STEVENSON LITERARY EDITOR pedestrian wordsmiths appearing in the ligneous leaves of
JESSE ZHANG WEBMASTER preceding installments of this very periodical and have consequently
created a gratuitous semblance of outrecuidance.
ELISSA TAM DIRECTOR OF PHOTOJOURNALISM
MEGAN BRESLIN FACULTY ADVISOR The line was actually supposed to be "Frankly, my dear, I couldn't care
DANIEL EGERS (‘03) FOUNDER less." It's just that Clark Gable had Tourette's.
ERNEST BASKIN (‘04) EDITOR EMERITUS
We apologise for the inconvenience.

Publication
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the students of Stuyvesant High School.
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD distributes 2,000 free copies on a bi-
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THE STUYVESANT STANDARD reserves the right to edit any published
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Copyright ©2008 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD
One news item, which appeared, taking a place on pages 3 and 14, in
the February 17 issue, had a tendency to not, as is considered, not only
by experts such as Strunk and White but also by computational linguists
everywhere, good practice, keep related — that is to say, mutually
pertinent — words together.
An item in the July 17 issue misquoted Larry Wall as saying, "just an-
other perl hacker"; the correct quote follows. “not exp log srand xor s
qq qx xor s x x length uc ord and print chr ord for qw q join use sub tied
qx xor eval xor print qq q q xor int eval lc q m cos and print chr ord for
qw y abs ne open tied hex exp ref y m xor scalar srand print qq q q xor
int eval lc qq y sqrt cos and print chr ord for qw x printf each return
local x y or print qq s s and eval q s undef or oct xor time xor ref print
chr int ord lc foreach qw y hex alarm chdir kill exec return y s gt sin

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NEWS
Our Beloved President
by Hesham Saleh
news editor
Believe it or not, George
Walker Bush has been voted as
“Top 5 Greatest U.S. Presidents.”
Although he is often criticized
because of his political career, he
is greatly misunderstood. In real-
ity, he is highly educated, has high
moral standards, and is a superb
public speaker.
President Bush graduated from
Harvard Business School with
flying colors. (On second thought,
not flying. Just colors.) He spent
four years there, which definitely
prepared him for his future politi-
cal career.
Bush has a keen grasp of his-
tory, especially when it comes to
the lives of important figures. In
September 2007, Bush com-
mented, “I heard somebody say,
‘Where’s [Nelson] Mandela?’
Well, Mandela’s dead. Because
Saddam killed all the Mandelas.”
Actually, Saddam didn’t kill Man-
dela. In fact, he’s still alive. Hon-
est mistake, understandable.
Not only is Bush a history
expert, he is also keen in mathe-
matics. On Independence Day
2007, President Bush said, “More
than two decades later, it is hard to
imagine the Revolutionary War
coming out any other way.” There
are two logical explanations for
this. Either he was talking about
another recent Revolutionary War,
or by “decade” he meant 115.5
years.
English was Bush’s favorite
subject in school. He was so good
at it that he even made up his own
words. Just a handful —
“misunderestimated” and
“decider.” Further, he is well-
rehearsed in grammar. His double
negatives cancel out: “Success is
April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9
THE STANDARD NEWS
George W. Bush: our beloved forty-third president.
not no violence.” His dangling
modifiers even make sense. “And
so, what Gen. Petraeus is saying,
some early signs, still dangerous,
but give…my chance a plan to
work.” Flawless.
Bush’s success in school has
been his motivation to improve the
learning of our children. Bush
voiced his desire for better schools
and a higher level of education.
“Rarely is the question asked,” he
Lost:
Blue iPod Nano
Last Seen on Fifth Floor
If Found, Please Contact:
Iwantmyipodback@yahoo.com
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD
said, “Is our children learning?”
With a President like that, how
could they not?
Bush is a very honest man,
who always keeps his word. In
fact, he does not like it when peo-
ple put words in his mouth. “I don't
particularly like it when people put
words in my mouth, unless I say
it.” That’s quite respectable. Who
likes it when people put words in
their mouth, unless they have said
3
it?
Without a doubt, President
Bush has learned from his father
and former President the responsi-
bilities of a President. On countless
occasions, Bush has reminded us
of this. “My job is a decision-
making job,” he said in October
2007, “and as a result, I make a lot
of decisions.”
Everyone sees the tough side
of President Bush, but there is also
a sweet and emotional side to him.
Bush contemplates the future of
his country, and cries. Yes, cries.
“I’ve got God's shoulder to cry
on,” Bush said. “And I cry a lot. I
do a lot of crying in this job.”
Awww.
Of course, Bush has a humor-
ous side. Someone called British
Prime Minister Tony Blair “Bush’s
poodle.” What was President
Bush’s response? “He’s [Blair is]
bigger than that.”
Bush has always been sensi-
ble. In fact, he has been so sensible
as to disregard the media’s feelings
toward him. “I've been in politics
long enough to know that polls just
go poof at times.” With less than
30 percent of the country pleased
with him, I would hope that the
polls would “just go poof.”
Perhaps President Bush put it
best when he said, “They misun-
derestimated me.” Indeed, we
have. And for that, we sincerely
apologize. In return, I would like
to propose to the United States of
America to abolish the amendment
that prevents presidents from being
in office for more than 2 terms.
Let’s make George Bush our
leader for life. If not for his limit-
less knowledge and power, then
for his entertainment. ◙
 4 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 NEWS

The Fashionable
Stuyvesant
Student
by Jennifer Schlesinger
editor-in-chief
The Stuyvesant Standard (TSS):
To begin, please tell me what
you are wearing today?
Eric Mayo (EM) Umm, the same
thing I wear everyday, a sweat-
shirt and cargo pants.
TSS: Do you where the same
thing everyday because its so
fashionable?
EM: Sure.
TSS: Why do you where such
similar clothing everyday?
EM: It’s comfortable, I can get
dressed quickly, and I look good.
TSS: When was the last time you
dressed differently? Do you ever
wish to change things up?
EM: I wore a t-shirt instead of a
sweatshirt yesterday and I wore
shorts when it was warm. I
Photo Credit: Jennifer Schlesinger
dressed up a few months ago for
an event. I like what I usually
wear.
TSS: How much time do you
spend putting together an outfit?
EM: Five seconds.
TSS: Wow, that’s amazing, and
you are so fashionable. What
inspires you?
EM: Usually the first things I
see.
TSS: Do you just own very fash-
ionable clothing?
EM: I guess so.
TSS: What about shoes? They
can really make an outfit.
EM: I wear sneakers.
TSS: Oh, what kind of sneakers?
Do you own different pairs?
EM: I like comfortable sneakers.
Mine have Yankee logos.
Transit,
Transit, Transit
by Hesham Saleh
news editor
April 1- Sixty percent of the
Stuyvesant community came
late to school. Thirty-nine per-
cent did not even show up, and
only one percent came on time.
There were huge transit delays
everywhere imaginable - on the
trains, on the streets, on the side-
walks even.
The subways were a pure
mess. There were delays on the
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, A, C, E, F, J,
M, Q, and R trains. The S trains
were running on schedule how-
ever. The conductors for the 1,
2, and 3 trains collaborated to-
gether and had breakfast at Dun-
kin' Donuts, while the conduc-
tors of the 4, 5, and 6 trains de-
cided to take a "detour" into
Manhattan, and got lost in the
dark subway system. The 7 train
was just late, as it usually is.
The conductors of the A, C, and
Q, and R hated their monoto-
nous lives, and decided to
change it up a little. Making
1,000,000s of New Yorkers late
for school is what they thank a
"thrilling" day is.
The traffic was not any bet-
ter above ground. On Chambers
St. a school bus malfunctioned
with its Stop sign out. Thus, no
cars passed until a child stepped
off the bus and pretended to be a
traffic guard. That pushed traffic
back an hour. The bridge was
blocked off by police because of
a suicidal threat. A man threat-
ened to jump off the bridge be-
cause his college team was just
eliminated from the tournament.
The sidewalks were
crowded as chaos reigned over
the city. Walkers walked besides
cars, which had rolled onto the
sidewalk in frustration to the
hour-long car jam. There was a
huge bicyclists crash on Church

Street which involved over 30

TSS: So, you like
E trains refused to pull in to bikers. The leader of the pack-
the Yankees?
Chambers Street as a protest of Lance Armstrong. How ironic!
EM: Of course,
the war on Iraq. The F train was As a result, only one teacher
they are the best
delayed because MTA personnel and two students showed up on
team.
were mopping it (It was time. The rest came between
TSS: Do you use awarded the 3rd cleanest train. Fifth and Eighth Periods, or just
your clothing to Honestly) The J train was going did not make it. It's time for
tell people about too fast to stop, so it just rolled New York City to rethink its
you and your in- over all of Manhattan; went congestion policies. ◙
terests? straight from Queens to Brook-
EM: Of course, I lyn. Kind of like a direct air
am an amazing flight. The conductors of the M,
person.
Photo Credit: Jennifer Schlesinger

TSS: What advice

do you have for
our readers so
they can be fash-
ionable like you?
EM: I don’t want
to give away my
secrets.

TSS: No, seri-

ously?
EM: Dress simi-
larly everyday,
like being com-
fortable, and of
course, be your-
self.

Eric Mayo has a distinctive taste for clothing. Only one teacher and two students were able to show up due to chaotic commutes.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 5

THE STANDARD OPINIONS

Plagiarism: Honestly Not That
Bad
by Marina Tawfik

Photo Credit: Elisssa Tam

staff writer

There are several messages

that students in today’s society
will tell you they have heard a
million times. The so-called
“important information” that stu-
dents are constantly fed by teach-
ers and parents alike can range in
topic from why they shouldn’t
study for a test exclusively the
night before, to why having a
well-balanced diet is essential.
Ironically, it seems to me that the
lecture I hear most often is the
one that makes the least sense:
teachers are constantly warning
students not to plagiarize.
English and history teachers
threaten to award a zero to any
essay that they find has been pla-
giarized. Math and science teach-
ers ensure that if they find that a
student has copied another’s
work, both students involved will
be severely penalized. Every
time I hear these habitual threats,
I cannot help but ask myself why Plagiarism, though many view as a bad thing, may actually has its advantages.
teachers approach plagiarism in
such a way. Stuyvesant student currently work, and would therefore be dents could copy essays or home-
Plagiarism is the driving does. Students would no longer able to perform better during work from online sources with
force of today’s society. Without feel inclined to take a day off class time. accurate information, teachers
plagiarism, students would be from school just to finish an ex- Another definite advantage would have less to correct. Imag-
forced to complete all of their ceedingly long essay assigned by of allowing students to use one ine the insight that a teacher
work on their own. Trying to their English teacher. another’s work would be the could receive after reading a
force students to come up with Eliminating the penalty for amount of satisfaction that those great number of riveting thesis
their own ideas simply is not the plagiarism would also definitely students who share their work essays. Teachers wouldn’t have
way to solve any of our prob- lead to a decrease in the number would receive. Not only would to waste time making corrections
lems. The unnecessary stress of of students who cut classes. Stu- they be proud to say they had on material that they know they
producing one’s own work is dents feel the need to cut class been able to complete the assign- covered extensively in class.
undoubtedly the cause of many just to avoid being reprimanded ment, but they would also be able Plagiarism has clearly been
of the problems teenagers con- by a teacher because they did not to take pride in knowing that they mistaken as something wicked
front on a daily basis. have the time to finish the neces- had helped another classmate. and dishonest. However, when
If students were allowed to sary work. If a student could just This is a sense of satisfaction looked at from the right
copy others’ work, be it from a copy another’s homework, he which no student should be de- perspective, it is plain to see that
friend or simply an online re- would not have to worry about nied. plagiarism is honestly not that
source, they would get much the possible punishment he Excusing plagiarism would bad. ◙
more sleep than the average would receive for missing home- benefit teachers as well. If stu-

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6 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 OPINIONS

Stuy Voice: A Waste of Space

New York City, by Robert Stevenson
literary editor

An East Coast
Exception
by Amna Ahmad
opinions editor

New York City is arguably the best place in

the world, just as Stuyvesant is the best high school
in the country. There is no reason for New York
City to remain a part of the rest of New York, or
rather the rest of the United States. The association
with the United States that the city has had to en-
dure since its establishment has been nothing but a
hindrance to its ultimate progression. A full 100
percent of two Stuyvesant students polled in a re-
cent survey agreed that New York City deserves
independence from the United States, and conse-
quential recognition as an autonomous nation.
There are attributes of New York City unique
to few other places in the world. I’m sure the Ca-
juns in the South crave our delicious, fatty street-
vendor cuisine, and it’s no secret that states like
Montana and Oregon, where very little street action
ever takes place, envy us for our rich mafia culture
and hip underground crime scene.
Designers from cities such as Paris and Milan,
who once prided themselves as representing the
fashion capitals of the world, can be seen mimick-
ing the style of dress that is purely “New Yorker.”
Parisian men are wearing skin-tight low rise jeans

Survey
and many European women sport the classic “I ♥
NY” t-shirt with pride.
The eminent glory of the city we call home
has served as the backdrop for some of the best
movies film makers in this country have made and
best quality television series on the air. Blockbuster
films like “New York Minute” and television pro-
grams with wide-reaching audiences such as “All
My Children” have New York City to thank for
their success. Does N.Y.C. deserve to be its own
With all that New York City has to offer, it is
no wonder it houses some of the world’s most tal- country?
ented and respected celebrities. The brilliant Flava
Flav is but one example of the handful of shining
stars that call themselves New Yorkers. Need I say
more?
Tourists may complain of the discourtesy and
obvious indifference they encounter when they ap-
proach a New Yorker for directions. From that yes
trend, I conclude that tourists are merely unsettled
by the realization that New York residents have
more important things to do than play charades with
a bunch of camera-flashing, backpack-hauling, taxi-
hogging tourists. I can say from experience that
they simply do not deserve the opportunity to walk
our streets. Tourists are not worthy of our time, and
we need not share our city with people who race to
occupy the very limited sidewalk space left unoccu-
100%
pied by cigarette-bud-chewing pigeons.
New Yorkers should come together to
acknowledge and celebrate all of the aspects of New
York City that make it what I consider “an east
Disclaimer:
coast exception,” and in due course, support the This is an April Fool’s Issue. None of these articles should be taken seriously. Any
New York separatist movement as so many resemblance these articles have to actual events is purely coincidental and really
Stuyvesant students already have. ◙ funny.
OPINIONS April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 7

City to Quarantine
Staten Islanders
by Amna Ahmad selves represent the majority of Islanders coming into Brooklyn by standing alongside those who
opinions editor those in opposition to the aug- from the bridge as a result of the call the Staten Island Dump their
mentation in toll. Staten Islanders toll, New Yorkers will no longer next door neighbor.
The Metropolitan Transporta- feel threatened, silenced, and have to compromise their dignity
tion Authority (MTA) has re- quarantined by the city’s plans to

Photo Credit: http://www.travelblog.org/Photos/28351.html

cently released a proposal to in-
crease the toll on the Verrazano-
Narrows Bridge connecting Staten
Island with Brooklyn from eight
dollars to $27.53.
There has been a considerable
amount of support for the initia-
tive taken by the MTA, from indi-
viduals from each borough. A
senior who asked to be referred to
as G. Bizzle had the following to
say upon hearing the MTA’s pro-
posal: “Dose Staten Islandas
should pay up. We gotta show’em
who’s G. Manhattan’s where it’s
at son.”
This sentiment towards Staten
Islanders however, is not exclu-
sive to Stuyvesant High School
students with funky names and
bad vocabulary. Mayor of New
York City Michael Bloomberg
was reported by semi-reliable
sources to have said the following
in reaction to the proposal: “I’m
so happy they got my email. You
see, with this new toll increase
even millionaires like me will
have to avoid going to Staten Is-
land. That means fewer visits to
my wife’s senile great uncle up on
Todt Hill.”
The Staten Islanders them-
follow through with this proposal
without their primary consulta-
tion. In fact, following the MTA’s
announcement of the proposal, a
few angry Staten Island residents
over eighty years of age came
together to create the Here to Op-
pose Toll committee (HOT), yet,
their efforts have been largely
interrupted by their own physical
disabilities and duties as senior
citizens in their communities.
Staten Islanders in every
neighborhood can be seen trading
in their cars for row boats because
there simply is not enough room
for commuters on those ferries.
When asked about the reaction of
Staten Islanders to the proposal,
the MTA responded in an official
statement: “We don’t call it the
Initiative to Quarantine Staten
Islanders for nothing.”
New Yorkers in every one of
the other four boroughs look for-
ward to the advantages this initia-
tive is expected to bring. Not
only is there likely to be less traf-
fic in the city, but the streets will
finally be clear of that “suburbs in
the city” stench that Staten Island-
ers bring with them on their daily
commutes. With fewer Staten

A Hard Act to Follow

by Amna Ahmad
opinions editor
Throughout his two terms as
president, George W. Bush has
made a definite impact on the
United States as well as the world
at large. As his second term
comes to a close, we should take
the time owed to our president to
acknowledge all the fine work he
has done in the White House and
reflect on what about our current
president, we will undoubtedly
miss.
The first lesson President
Bush taught Americans was that
we should not feel discouraged to
blow off some steam and a take a
well-deserved vacation every
once in a while. After a few
months in office it all became
clear to the American people:
“vacation’s all he ever wanted.”
That’s a sentiment that I’m sure a
great deal of Americans can ap-
preciate and accept after bearing
in mind the noteworthy initiative
Bush was able to display in spite
of his routine absence from the
White House.
Despite the deaths of thou-
sands upon thousands of loyal
soldiers and innocent civilians as
a result of the United States’ inva-
sion and subsequent occupation of
Iraq and Afghanistan, George
Bush can honestly say that he
accomplished a task that even his
grandfather would not have dared
imagine; he got a filthy, louse-
infested Saddam Hussein on cam-
era, being hung by his own ruth-
less enemies. How’s that for
primetime television?
President Bush has also
served as an inspiration for the
hopeless. He has proven to the
world that even a C-average stu-
dent with difficulty pronouncing
the world “nuclear,” a tendency to
mistake Iraqis for Iranians when
discussing current events, and a
record for drunk driving could be
elected president. Better yet, he
serves as evidence that a dim-
witted, male Texan cheerleader
who threw billions of dollars of
taxpayers’ money down the tubes
for a war against an “invisible
enemy” can be elected for a sec-
ond time, only to make worse
mistakes the second time around,
and still foster support from a
considerable population of Ameri-
cans.
One is reminded of the legacy
George W. Bush will leave
behind by the wide array of signs
across the city written in
recognition of his actions as
president such as ones reading
“Buck Fush” or “More Trees, less
Bush,” to keep his name alive in
playful parody. As he leaves
office for either an inexperienced
senator, a cry-baby former First
Lady, or a desperate Republican
with a deathly complexion, we
bid adieu to the world’s favorite
cowboy, knowing that his
presidency will surely be a hard
act to follow. ◙
8 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 BUSINESS

THE STANDARD BUSINESS

Congress Converts Country to Communism
by Hanford Chiu
business editor
APRIL 1- The Senate has ap-
proved a bill passed by the House on
Tuesday declaring that the American
government is hereby to be run as a
totalitarian communistic government
in a vote that was mostly along party
lines, abolishing our 232-year tradi-
tional capitalistic democracy. The
Democrats, whose Party has subse-
quently been renamed the Commu-
nist Party, completely followed the
Party leadership in passing the UN-
PATRIOT bill, while the now-
outlawed Republican Party lacked
the numbers to prevent the downfall
of America.
Senator Barack Obama (C-IL)
was one of the major contributors to
the bill along with Senator Hillary
Clinton (C-NY), and was ecstatic
that his legislation finally pulled
through after years of trying to sub-
vert democracy.
“I had been planning this for
years, ever since I stepped foot on
the land of opportunity,” said
Obama, who is also the acting
Chairman until the November,
2008 elections. “Now we can fi-
nally begin to massively redistrib-
ute wealth the way the Democrats
intended.”
Among his first actions as
Chairman was to abolish the use of
money. The Chairman declared in
his first state television broadcast,
“Now we have ration stamps, which
are used to swap for life’s essentials
at your local government-mart. Since
we have all these dollars left over, we’ll
just swap these pieces of green paper for
goods, a radical change over capitalism.”
Obama also disbanded the military.
The Chairman continued, “The Russians
and the Chinese were quick to send expe-
ditionary forces to help us secure our
territory in the oil fields in Alaska and
the drilling platforms in the Gulf. Why,
they even offered to pump it for us and
build free pipelines extending to Russia
and China. With allies like these, why
should we bother to upkeep a military
any more?”
Obama also quickly nationalized
many private industries. Most industrial-
ized farming has been consolidated into
the Ministry of Agriculture, Wall Street
is now the Ministry of Finance, and CNN
has merely changed its name to the Min-
istry of Truth. The Chairman dictates,
“Now all good citizens shall receive only
government-sanctioned goods and ser-
vices, ensuring that all citizens will re-
ceive their daily rations of food and noth-
ing less, also consequently nothing
more.”
However, according to the Ministry
of Truth, there is still a small section of
the country that resists the Chairman’s
benevolent rule, namely the Midwest, the
South, the Mountains, the Northwest, the
Southwest, and the Great Plains areas.
This is nothing to be concerned about, as
Vice-Chairman and Minister of Internal
Security Hillary Clinton will personally
capture and reeducate all outlaws in
cooperation with the Ministry of Love. ◙
Congress, consisting of the Senate and the House of Representatives, attempts to convert the
U.S to communism.

Economy More Boring As Interest Rate Decreases

by Hanford Chiu
business editor
MARCH 18- Planet Earth is
becoming more apathetic towards
the American economy as the
Federal Reserve cut the interest rate
by another .75 percent on Tuesday
night, bringing it closer to
becoming a total yawn-fest. The
latest move comes in response to
Wall Street’s complaints that the
New York Stock Exchange was
becoming “a little too crowded”
and wanted to scare away potential
speculators by making the trading
floor about a percent more dreary.
“Our showcase businesses are
just becoming tired of being the
world’s spotlight for
investments,” said Ben Bernanke,
Chairman of the Federal Reserve.
“It’s a cycle, and our economy
just can’t handle being so
attractive and exciting all the
time.”
The Fed’s interest rate is the
benchmark on which banks rely to
decide how eye-catching their
loans should be. Within minutes
of the Fed’s announcements, most
of the major banks followed suit
by making their credit more dull
and lackluster.
“We totally responded to the
Fed’s cut by switching out all our
color pamphlets with ugly,
outdated monochrome
p a mp h l e t s , ” s a i d J o n a t h a n
Sweeny, Citibank Branch
Manager. “And we put those little
tubs of free lollipops away from
our counters to worsen customer
experience.”
Meanwhile, though foreign
investors are totally disinterested in
American stock exchanges, foreign
stock exchanges are thriving from
American inactivity. China’s stock
exchange, for example, has been
seeing record high attendance re-
cords at the trading floors.
“Oh sure, China has really high
interest rates going on since their
economy is so hot and lively,” said
Bernanke. “What with their new
24/7 opening hours, huge and cheap
labor force and their growing mar-
ket, it’s no wonder that speculators
are flocking there in droves to see
the fascinating Shanghai Stock Ex-
change.”
“Their hourly acrobatic shows
right on the exchange floor are also
quite an attraction,” added Ber-
nanke.
While this period of inactivity
is giving the American economy
the respite it needs after years of
strong economic growth and
development as well as popular
interest, some critics contend that
lowering the interest rate too much
would make the American market
too tedious to bear.
“Yes, I hear the concerns that
we might make the American
exchanges so uninteresting that
investors would fall asleep within
a 500-yard radius,” said Bernanke.
“But rest assured, the American
economy is highly flexible and we
can always raise the interest rates
back again by unleashing a bull
into the market with a couple of
those rodeo clowns.” ◙
ENTERTAINMENT
THE STANDARD ENTERTAINMENT
Without a Doubt, the Greatest
Movie of All Time
by Robert Colbourn
entertainment editor
It is a fair thing to say that
good movies come about every
week, but great movies only ap-
pear every so often. Then, there
are the greatest movies, which are
timeless classics that should be
seen by everyone. However, none
of those even hold a candle to the
masterpiece that was released on
January 25, 2008. Yes, it is safe to
say that “Meet the Spartans” is by
far the greatest movie ever made
by anything — man, inanimate
object, or brain-dead monkey.
In this spoof of the major box
office flop “300,” Leonidas (Sean
Maguire) is forced to lead his
“army” of 15 men (and 285 digi-
tally-spliced-in Spartans) against
the Persian army of 35 men (epic,
isn’t it?). During the battle at the
hot gates, Queen Margo is forced
Riddle:
Q: Where did he go?
A: He paddled up the
creek in a rowboat
to escape the cops
who were arresting
him for kidnapping.
Want more riddles?
Visit us at
stuystandard.org!
April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9
to try to help her husband receive
aid from the Greeks. In order to
accomplish this, she clearly has to
have sex with the proud and loyal
Traitoro and end up killing him
— truly an improvement over the
original plot.
The first amazing and truly
revolutionary thing that this
movie did was the special effects.
Yes, they were able to improve on
“300”’s dreadful use of CGI, and
in an ingenious way. If you’re
going to use a blue screen to gen-
erate thousands of soldiers, why
hide it from the audience? If
they’re coming to see the special
effects, then just lay it out all in
front of them and plop that screen
in front of the background. Yes,
forgo the background; no one
wants to see a majestic mountain
pass with a beautiful body of wa-
ter beside it. People want to see
poorly-pixilated people in loin-
cloths superimposed on blue
THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 9
backgrounds, and the directors movie ever made. ◙
clearly understood that.
Now, even better than the
special effects was the humor. I
Photo Source: http://
mean, it is one thing to make an
audience laugh, but to make them
speechless, that’s something in-
geniously done by the directors.
There was dead silence after
every joke, probably because the
audience was in awe of how
funny one idea could be. Another
nice touch with the humor was its
side effect: lower IQ. The direc-
tors understand the concept of
idiocy being the key to happiness.
Walking into this movie, I
thought to myself, “You know
what, maybe if I were stupid, I
would be happy.” Well, coming
out of the film, I could only think
in illogical and incomprehensible
thoughts, so I knew that the film Without a doubt, Meet the Spartans is one
of the greatest movies of all time.
accomplished its purpose. Yes,
the special effects and the comedy
alone make this the greatest
Sudoku
7
10 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD
THE STANDARD COLLEGE
The Perfect College Essay
by Eric Mayo
managing editor
Juniors . . . welcome to your
nightmare. With today being
April 1, that means that most
seniors now know where they are
going to college. Since you were
seven, you’ve been preparing for
this moment. The SATs, ACTs,
GPAs, and various other TLAs
will take up every moment of
your existence.
The most important aspect of
the admissions process, as you
will hear several thousand times
over the course of the next
twelve months, is your college
essay. This is where you tell your
college admissions officer all
about yourself. Here is an exam-
ple of the perfect college essay.
I do not know when my
birthday is. I do not know who
April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9
my parents are. I do not know
where I was born. My story is
one which you have probably not
heard before. But by examining
my past, I can show you my fu-
ture.
I was told by the orphanage
that I was born in the jungles of
Peru. My parents abandoned me
when I was two days old because
of the third leg that grew out of
my head. In their ancient Incan
culture, I was cursed. As was
custom with babies with three
legs, my birth parents threw me
off a 100-foot cliff as a sacrifice
to the Incan god of potatoes,
Axomamma.
I have no idea how I sur-
vived, but I did. For the next
three years, I was raised by ti-
gers. They nursed me back to
health and taught me how to
hunt. It’s why as a freshman I
started the Save the Tigers club.
We’ve raised over $50,000 to
help protect Peruvian tigers from
logging and hunting.
While hunting one day, I lost
my mother and father tiger. I was
three, all alone in this great world
we call Earth. I started walking.
For days and days, I walked with
no food or water. Luckily, I was
picked up by a nice American
couple, who was scared of my
third leg and dropped me off at
an orphanage in Peru. Every day
for five years I was hoping I
would get adopted. That’s why
after my sophomore year I spent
my summer running an orphan-
age in the remote Peruvian jun-
gle.
When I was eleven, I was
adopted by another nice Ameri-
can family and immediately
taken for surgery to remove my
The Best Reasons
to Attend a College
by Jennifer Schlesinger
editor-in-chief
Prompt: Please tell us why
you want to attend XYZ College.
Include your choice of major and
how attending XYZ will help you
achieve your personal and educa-
tional goals. Be sure to be specific.
Ever since I was little, I have
dreamed of attending XYZ Col-
lege. It is filled with smarts kids
and I hope their smartness will rub
off on me.
I visited campus and have
heard the parties are really great.
XYZ had great food and the nicest
dorms I have seen. XYZ has many
Acapella groups, so I am sure one
group will want me even though I
am tone deaf. You are located
near some schools my friends will
be attending, so I want to stay
close to them, but you are very far
from my parents, so I will become
a responsible adult. You are lo-
cated in an amazing city and I can
not wait to shop in its boutiques.
My friends will be so jealous. I
know XYX is the perfect school
for me.
I plan on being a biochemical
COLLEGE
third leg. During the surgery, the
doctors accidentally gave me a
rare infectious disease. I was
forced to live my first months in
America in a bubble as to not
create an epidemic. That’s why
last week I decided to climb
Mount Everest in order to raise
money to fight that deadly dis-
ease.
After the bubble incident, my
family threw me out on the street
because of the scar that devel-
oped where the third leg used to
be. I spent the next three years on
the streets of New York City,
teaching myself how to read us-
ing newspapers. Every Saturday I
volunteer at a soup kitchen just to
give back to all the great people
who helped me.
I feel truly blessed to have
gotten this far. College can get
me the rest of the way. ◙
engineering major. I have heard
they make a lot of money. My
college advisor says you need bio-
chemical engineering majors, so I
will have a better chance of getting
in. Also, my parents want me to do
something in science. I would
rather study English, but I am sure
I will be good at biochemical engi-
neering.
In the future I want to have
a big house and lots of money.
Actually, I am not supposed to say
that, but I am sure you understand.
I mean I really like helping others
and stuff, and I am sure if I have a
lot of money I will donate some to
very important issues. If I make a
lot of money, I will be sure to give
some back to XYZ.
Please XYZ College, accept
me. My college counselor says
you may be the only school to
accept me. My friends will laugh if
I do not go to college. If you do
not accept me, I will be a failure,
and I will cry myself to sleep for
the rest of my life. Do you want to
be one to ruin my dream? I didn’t
think so. ◙
Please note: This article is attended
for humor and does not reflect the
views of the author or The
Stuyvesant Standard.
COLLEGE April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD 11

2390: Her Worst Nightmare

by Omar Ahmad

Photo Credit: SangHee Chung

science editor

An anonymous junior, who

would like to be known as Jane
Doe, has received a dreadfully-
low SAT score of 2390/2400.
She has been recently skulking
about the halls of Stuyvesant
high school, adorning a black
cape, which completely envel-
ops her face. Though in other
schools this score is most likely
ideal, there have been instances
in which Doe was pelted with
candy boxes, and even thrown
down the 7-9 escalator.
She had received several
bruises, but when the nurse had
acquired her story through the
grapevine, she refused to accept
her, and advised that she hide
out in the elevator shafts.
So hide in the elevator
shafts she did. Even so, after
about a week, the janitors had
discovered her lack of an eleva-
tor pass, thereby expelling her
from her abode. Now hiding in
the shadows of student/teacher
The review book failed Doe.
confrontations, she makes her
name known with a burning
insignia of 2390 on the Stuyve- in the past. I deserve to be due to their current disownment again.” So Doe, an omniscient
sant floor tiles. Doe seeks to treated correctly, as I am out of Doe. silhouette of torment and rea-
right every wrong bestowed there to prove that some day, in Though they did mention soning exams, is left in the cold
upon the students of Stuyvesant, this dark world, there will be to say that, while escorting us to world of college admissions and
acting as a vigilante/savior of hope for failures like me.” the door, “Doe may need to find homelessness, though persisting
the proletariat student. In our It has now become an offi- a house and finances of her own, in her struggle to give rise the
brief interview, having a dis- cial Stuyvesant High School rule due to the fact that she could deserving, hard-working Stuy-
tance of about twenty feet from that she wear a band around her receive no job nowadays with vesant student. ◙
the tape recorder, she stated, “I right arm, with a blue “2390” such a horrendous score. We
am no animal, even though I imprinted on it. Her parents refuse to endure such embarrass-
have committed wrong-doings have refused to be questioned, ment if she were to take it

WANTED:
SAT Test Taker
Must Be:
- really smart
- wear corrective lenses
- pocket protector optional
Contact: mr2400@gmail.com
12 THE STUYVESANT STANDARD April 1, 2008—VOL. 7, No. 9 SPORTS

PSAL to Adopt Early 20th

Century Basketball Rules
by Eric Mayo
managing editor
The Public School Athletic League
(PSAL) announced today a new set of rules
designed to play basketball the way Dr.
James Naismith wanted the game to be
played in the early 20th century.
The decision comes from the first round
boys’ playoff game between Stuyvesant High
School and Food and Finance High School.
Before the overtime period was supposed to
twist to the rules is the distance between out-
of-bounds and the backboard. The PSAL has
decided to put the peach basket back on the
wall. This is to allow players to climb up the
wall in order to score, as it was before 1921.
The new rules will favor athletic guards such
as Forest Hills High School’s Peter Parker,
who has shown great ability to climb up walls.
Of course, the biggest change in the new
rules is the elimination of coaching. This rule,
due partly to coaching only being allowed in
1949 as well as to budget cuts, is designed to
speed up play and provide a less stressful en-

Eric’s column is
begin after the score was tied at 40, a scorers’ vironment to the referees.
table error determined the score to be 40-38. Said one member of the PSAL, “It’s
Although Stuyvesant provided sufficient about time these kids appreciate the game like

incredibly
video evidence to show the score was indeed it was played back in the late 19th century.” ◙
40-40, the PSAL denied the appeal request
because video evi-
dence cannot be
used for an appeal.
The PSAL com-
missioner felt it
serious work.
would be hypocriti-
cal to deny one ad-
vancement in tech-
An April Fool’s
nology while allow-
ing the rest. There-
fore, starting with
Day Issue is no
place for
the 2008-2009 sea-
son, the PSAL will
revert to Naismith’s

serious
original 13 rules of
basketball.
One of the high-
lights of the new
rules is the reintro-
duction of peach
baskets to replace
discussions
the nets. Peach bas-
kets were used dur-
ing the earliest years
about the world
of basketball to
throw the soccer ball
into the net. It has
of sports.
not been decided
whether or not the
peach baskets will
Therefore, there
is no
have holes drilled in
them as in post-
1895-era basketball,
or if the basketball
will have to be
manually removed
after each point.
column.
Another new
Garbage cans such as these will be used as a substitute for nets.