Professional Documents
Culture Documents
PROPS:
Footman's Broom
Double Bass & Case
Basic forestry - Bushes & Trees
Fishing Rod & Float
Flowers
Picnic
The Orchestra Band
Music Stand
Music Sheets & Bow
Dress & Shoes
Recorder
SL= Stage Left (House Right). SR= Stage Right (House Left).
SCENE 1 - MORNING
MAJORDOMO
Excuse me, your highness?
PRINCE BIBULOV
Yes?
MAJORDOMO
Where do you wish me to place the
musicians?
PRINCE BIBULOV
Anywhere, anywhere. Musicians are
to be heard, not seen.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
(Entering SL)
Have the strawberries arrived?
PRINCE BIBULOV
No.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Footman, have the strawberries
arrived?
2.
MAJORDOMO
Not quite yet, your Highness, no.
The train was delayed at Minsk.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
With the strawberries?
MAJORDOMO
With the strawberries, yes. But
only for two hours. Bronski is at
the station now.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
But they will arrive?
MAJORDOMO
Oh yes, most certainly, your
Highness.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Cream alone is very unexciting.
PRINCE BIBULOV
What?
MAJORDOMO
(Changing topic)
The Princess and the Count will
be behind you, just to the right.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Very good. You understand, dear?
PRINCE BIBULOV
What?
BIBULOV’S WIFE
(Distracted)
And do-
PRINCE BIBULOV
-Yes?
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Eugh!
MAJORDOMO
Yes, excuse me, your Highness.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Yes?
3.
MAJORDOMO
As Lakeyich has agreed to conduct
the orchestra tonight, I really
do think we should put him in a
prominent position.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Oh! ...Why?
MAJORDOMO
Well, er, he is a most celebrated
conductor, your Highness.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Eugh.
FOOTMAN
Here, tradesmen to the back!
Where’re yer manners? Lout.
SMYCHKOV
Tradesmen?
FOOTMAN
T’ the back!
SMYCHKOV
I am an artist, sir, not a...
fishmonger! What do you think
this is? Groceries? Brahms’
father played the double bass!
Nasty man.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Perhaps the sash could be a
little longer? Darling, you look
absolutely adorable - have you
been practicing?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Yes.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
(Altering her smile)
Well... No darling, not quite so
much... That’s it. Now when you
are told your father is about to
announce your betrothal, you must
both stand a little to his...
behind him. Do you understand?
4.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
With Alexis on my right...
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Alexei, darling. Alexei, Alexei,
Alexei, Alexei!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Yes, mother.
SMYCHKOV
Ah, good afternoon, I am the-
MAJORDOMO
-What do you want?
SMYCHKOV
Ah, I am musician Smychkov, I am
playing at the betrothal ball.
MAJORDOMO
No, no, no, no, not those! The
engraved ones! ...Well?
SMYCHKOV
I am playing at the betrothal
ball tonight.
MAJORDOMO
You’re early.
SMYCHKOV
Ah, yes, I know, yes.
MAJORDOMO
Go away.
SMYCHKOV
...What?
MAJORDOMO
Come back later.
SMYCHKOV
Eh-
MAJORDOMO
-Later.
SMYCHKOV
Eh, yes. Ah, Could I leave this
somewhere?
MAJORDOMO
No.
5.
SMYCHKOV
It’s very heavy.
MAJORDOMO
Good.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
After the toast, you may let him
kiss your hand.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Yes, mother.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Sigh. Oh, do put your arms down,
darling... Elegantly!
MAJORDOMO
I told you to go away.
SMYCHKOV
...Come the revolution.
SCENE 2 - RIVER
SMYCHKOV
(To himself, with music)
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmmm. Aaaah, oooh,
beautiful Smychkov! Yes, yes,
blast. No, no, no, wait a moment.
Hmm. Yes, yes, no, sharp! Not
natural. Hmmm.. E minor! E minor,
yes. Sing, strings, sing! Growl,
bass, growl!
(MORE)
6.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Yes, yes, yes, and now! Good,
ooh, oh, ooh, ooh. Smychkov, that
is beautiful!
SMYCHKOV has been removing his clothes and now dips into
the water. He comes across PRINCESS CONSTANZA sleeping on
the bank, her fishing pole by her, with its float in the
water. He gathers some flowers, and ties them to her float.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
...Come the revolution...
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
(Calling out)
Could someone come and help me,
please? Hello?! Hello? I’ve lost
my float! ...I don’t know what to
do...
SMYCHKOV
Good afternoon!
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Villain! Villain! Villain!
...Villain.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
...Good afternoon-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-Argh! Don’t kill me!
7.
SMYCHKOV
What?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Don’t kill me.
SMYCHKOV
Oh! ...Right.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...Who are you?
SMYCHKOV
Who, me? I’m-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-Shut your eyes!
SMYCHKOV
Certainly. Good idea.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
What are you doing here?
SMYCHKOV
Er, well. To cut a long story
short-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-Why haven’t you got any clothes
on?
SMYCHKOV
Why haven’t I got any clothes
on... Oh! Why haven’t I got any
clothes on?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Well?
SMYCHKOV
They were stolen by a thief,
Princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...How do you know I’m a
Princess?
SMYCHKOV
Err, oh. Err, well, when- Err.
Err, you look like one.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I look like one?
8.
SMYCHKOV
Er, no. Err, well to be perfectly
honest, I did see your... Tiara.
Sorry.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Now then, what’s your name?
SMYCHKOV
Smychkov, Princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
You are to keep your eyes shut at
all times, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Of course, Princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...How am I to get home...?
SMYCHKOV
I do understand how people feel,
I mean, I know double bass
players and trumpeters have this
reputation for being shiftless
and, well, rather high-spirited,
but I do assure you that I am a
most notable exception. I promise
you, Princess, that I shall get
you safely to your father’s
palace.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...I do believe you, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Thank you, Princess. Please do
make yourself at ho- well, not
exactly “at home”, but I mean “as
at home” as is, yes, yes-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-Thank you, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Yes, thank you... Princess? I
shall guard you with my life...
For what that’s worth, I mean I
know it’s only a musician’s life-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-Thank you, Smychkov.
9.
SMYCHKOV
Thank you, Princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Why did you leave me without
permission?
SMYCHKOV
Err, to collect my instrument,
dear Lady. Are you comfortable,
Princess?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Perfectly.
SMYCHKOV
Are you sure?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
One should never look a gift
horse in the mouth.
SMYCHKOV
Ah, yes.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...Hello?
SMYCHKOV
Ah, which way do we proceed, dear
Lady?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
It is a little difficult for me
to tell, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Oh! I beg your pardon, um...
Would you be prepared to have a
look?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
...Yes?
SMYCHKOV
Thank you.
10.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Sorry, my Lady. I do beg your
pardon, Princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Are you getting tired?
SMYCHKOV
(Sounding very tired)
No. No, just a little out of
breath.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
So am I. It’s very stuffy in
here.
SMYCHKOV
Oh dear.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Would you open the case a little?
SMYCHKOV
Most certainly.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Allow me to move the lid to-and-
fro, thereby creating a draft.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Thank you, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
(Fanning the lid)
It is rather close today.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Isn’t it? Almost humid.
SMYCHKOV
Yes! Humid, exactly.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
(Relieved by fanning)
Yes!
SMYCHKOV
That better?
11.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Yes that’s lovely. There was
quite a chill in the air this
morning.
SMYCHKOV
Yes there was, yes.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I didn’t think that it would turn
out quite so warm.
SMYCHKOV
Nope, no, neither did I.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Smychkov? I think I would like to
go into the water.
SMYCHKOV
The water?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I’m hot, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Yes, uh, you don’t think- no, no,
right.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Divine! Divine! How pretty... Do
sit down.
SMYCHKOV
Oh, righto.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Hoo-hoo! It’s like champagne!
SMYCHKOV
Ah... a beverage I have not made
acquaintance with. Now, Vodka-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Argh! Smychkov!!
SMYCHKOV
Shhh!
12.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Haha! Shhh!
SMYCHKOV
Oh, God.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I’m getting a little cold...
SMYCHKOV
Oh, um, of course. I will go
behind that tree while you, ah...
He looks away as she gets out. She passes the case and
accidentally knocks it closed. SMYCHKOV assumes this means
that she is inside, and returns to the case.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
HUH!!!
SMYCHKOV
HUH!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
What shall we do??
SMYCHKOV
Ah, what shall we do, what shall
we do...
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Oh, please be decisive!
SMYCHKOV
Ah, yes! What shall we-
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
-I’ve got an idea!
SMYCHKOV
Ah.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
You go behind the tree again,
then I can get into the case.
SMYCHKOV
...Brilliant. Brilliant.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Are you behind the tree yet?
SMYCHKOV
Umm... I don’t know.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Eugh! Ah, I found it!
SMYCHKOV peeks and realises that she has made it into the
case. He approaches it.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Do you often play on important
occasions?
SMYCHKOV
Oh yes, two or three times a
month!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Really?
SMYCHKOV
Oh yes, well, twice a month
anyway. Most months I play at
least once... usually... It
should be superb tonight!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Should it?
SMYCHKOV
Oh yes, our conductor tonight is
Lakeyich. I’ve never played with
him before; he’s one of our most
brilliant conductors, he’s in
demand all over Russia - he is
reputed to be able to play every
instrument from the violin to the
bassoon.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I’m learning to play the
recorder.
SMYCHKOV
(Overly interested)
Are you?? How marvellous! Ah-ha-
ha! What a coincidence! Ha-ha.
Well... Is anything the matter,
princess?
14.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
I shall miss my life here so
much, Smychkov...
SMYCHKOV
But the Count is rich.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
But he wants me to live on his
estate in Siberia.
SMYCHKOV
Well surely he has many estates!
You must tell him you do not wish
to live there.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Yes, but they say he is very
strict.
SMYCHKOV
Does he love music?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
No. But he looks very fine in
uniform!
SCENE 3 - JOURNEY
LAKEYICH
I’m sure there will be no
difficulty.
SMYCHKOV
(Distant)
Shan't be long!
15.
LAKEYICH
Smychkov...
SMYCHKOV
(Returning)
I’m back again!
LAKEYICH
Is he one of our string section?
SMYCHKOV
We’re back by the road, princess.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Thank you, Smychkov.
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Da-da-da-da-da, dum-dum, duh-dum.
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
I think you’re a little flat!
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Look! Look!
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
What is it?
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
It- it- it’s a double bass!
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Oh... Smychkov’s.
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Who else?
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Perhaps he’s ah-
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
-yes, off ‘picking flowers’...
Smychkov!
16.
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Smychkov!!
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Smychkov!?
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
D’you think he’s all right?
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Perhaps we ought to go look for
him?
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Smychkov!
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Smychkov? Smychkov!!
SMYCHKOV
(Popping his head out)
Oh, hello!
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
What are you doing?
SMYCHKOV
Nothing much, really.
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Come on, you will be late for
rehearsal!
SMYCHKOV
Yes, right...
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Well, there are one or two things
that I ought to, uh-
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Oh! All right, we’ll take your
bass for you.
SMYCHKOV
What?
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
The bass, we’ll take it for you,
but get a move on!
SMYCHKOV
Uh, no, don’t bother!
17.
MUSICIAN RAZMAKHAIKIN
Don’t be late for Maestro
Lakeyich!
SMYCHKOV
No, don’t!
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
That’s all right!
SMYCHKOV
No, don’t bother, please don’t?
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
You’d do the same for us!
SMYCHKOV
No I wouldn’t!
MUSICIAN ZHUCHKOV
Haha, of course you would!
SMYCHKOV
Leave it!! I’d never help you,
never! I hate you both!! Bring it
back, you stupid... tradesmen!!
SCENE 4 - REHEARSAL
SMYCHKOV
Ah, good evening. Musician.
MAID
What?
SMYCHKOV
Rehearsal. I was told -
tradesmen’s entrance?
MAID
Through there.
SMYCHKOV
Ah. Sorry I’m late, Maestro,
sorry, I was, uh-
LAKEYICH
...Smychkov...
LAKEYICH (CONT'D)
(Looking at double bass)
What’s that?
SMYCHKOV
...What?
LAKEYICH
What’s that double bass?
SMYCHKOV
Oh, uh... this is the other one.
That’s a spare.
LAKEYICH
What is it, Smychkov...?
SMYCHKOV
It’s a spare, Maestro... In case
of, uh... fire-
LAKEYICH
-Fire? Ahem, gentlemen...
LAKEYICH (CONT'D)
Smychkov. Your music.
SMYCHKOV
Hm?
LAKEYICH
Where is it?
SMYCHKOV
Ah- in my case, Maestro. I don’t
think I’ll bother.
LAKEYICH
You know it by heart?
SMYCHKOV
Yes! Most of it. Some of it.
Bits, my bits.
19.
LAKEYICH
Get your music, Smychkov.
SMYCHKOV
Yes, Maestro.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
(Whispering)
It’s there. In the pocket. Sorry.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
(Whispering)
...Smychkov?
SMYCHKOV
(Whispering)
The bow. Is this the pocket?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
(Whispering, shocked)
Smychkov! Stop it!
SMYCHKOV
(Whispering)
The bow!!
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
(Whispering)
Thank you.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Sorry. I beg your pardon.
LAKEYICH
Now gentlemen, in this next piece
it is most important- it is most
important on the second entry of
the woodwinds-
SMYCHKOV
(Whispering)
Where? ...you’re mad! ...Right.
LAKEYICH
-What?
20.
SMYCHKOV
Uh... Excuse me, maestro. Sorry,
I’m afraid that I have to be
excused.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
I’m sure I saw her in her room.
Where is she?
MAJORDOMO
I don’t know, your highness, we-
we’ve been looking for her.
BIBULOV’S WIFE
I’m sure I saw her in her room...
These floorboards squeak
abominably; do have them seen to.
SMYCHKOV
Sorry. I was, um...
LAKEYICH
Ready, Smychkov?
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
(Whispering)
Shoes, Smychkov!
LAKEYICH
What?
SMYCHKOV
Nothing, Maestro! -I can’t!
LAKEYICH
May we begin, Smychkov?
SMYCHKOV
-I can’t!
LAKEYICH
We will begin, Smychkov!
SMYCHKOV
Sorry, I have to go again. Sorry.
21.
SMYCHKOV once again heads off into the house. This time
he’s very overt in getting the shoes, and is noticed by
many people. As he stumbles by, the FOOTMAN is looking out
the window and joined by the MAJORDOMO.
FOOTMAN
Woah, woah. Yes, I recognise him.
MAJORDOMO
It can’t be. Excuse me... It is!!
SMYCHKOV
...I forgot these. Ah- for the
Princess.
MAJORDOMO
It- It- It’s the Count, your
highness. He’s here!
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Oh good heavens, I haven’t
changed! My face! My hair! My
dress! Oh.
MAJORDOMO
About your duties! Quick, quick!
To the door.
MAID
Stop, thief!! Stop! Thief!
SCENE 5 - PARTY
SMYCHKOV
Ready when you are, Maestro.
MAJORDOMO
Maestro, play, play; the Count is
here, please play!
MAJORDOMO (CONT'D)
Your Highness, the count is here.
22.
PRINCE BIBULOV
What?
MAJORDOMO
He’s here!
PRINCE BIBULOV
Now? But it’s before time!
MAJORDOMO
I know!
PRINCE BIBULOV
We don’t have a Princess!
MAJORDOMO
Yes, I know!
PRINCE BIBULOV
The strawberries are in Minsk!!
COUNT ALEXEI
My dear Prince Bibulov - forgive
my premature arrival, but I could
not delay the wait a moment
longer... Where is your lovely
daughter?
PRINCE BIBULOV
Ah-ha-ha-where is she?
MAJORDOMO
What’s going on?
MAID
I saw this man steal the
Princess’ dress and shoes!
MAJORDOMO
What?!
FOOTMAN
I saw him with the shoes.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Ah-ha-ha, well, my wife.
23.
SMYCHKOV
I am not a thief; I was asked
here to play, sir. I am a
musician, and an and artiste, I
was asked here as a double bass
player, and I request that you
not touch me.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Wait! What is going on?
MAJORDOMO
Your Highness, this man was seen
stealing the Princess’ dress and
shoes.
PRINCE BIBULOV
Stealing the Princess’-
SMYCHKOV
Nonsense, sir. I’ve been here all
the time. Haven’t I?
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
Well, most of it.
SMYCHKOV (CONT'D)
...Bits of it?
LAKEYICH
(Mouthing silently)
No...
PRINCE BIBULOV
Oh, take him away! Take him away!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Why has the music stopped? Why
has it stopped? My, what are you
doing to this man?
MAJORDOMO
Uh! Leave him alone, let him go.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Good evening, father. Good
evening, mother.
24.
COUNT ALEXEI
Constanza! My dear.
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Alexis-
BIBULOV’S WIFE
(Mouthing silently)
Alexei!!
PRINCESS CONSTANZA
Did you have a good journey,
Alexei?
COUNT ALEXEI
(Dirtily, slowly)
Ahh, hah-hah-hah-hah. Ah, heh-heh-
heh-heh-heh-heh. Mmm...
MAJORDOMO
Play, Maestro, play!
PRINCE BIBULOV
Why did the music stop?
COUNT ALEXEI
Where is my betrothed?
BIBULOV’S WIFE
Where are the strawberries?
LAKEYICH
...Smychkov.
THE ENDING.