Professional Documents
Culture Documents
More Jokes
Version: 1/00
GOLF
Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain.
"What happened?" asked the club pro.
"I got stung by a bee," she replied.
"Where?"
"Between the first and second holes."
"Hmmm." the pro murmured.
"Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."
THE DRUNK
A rather drunk man walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
"I'm sorry sir," replies the landlord, "I'm afraid you have had enough."
"Fine," says the drunk and walks out of the pub.
A few minutes later he comes back into the pub through a different door, walks up to the bar
and orders a pint.
"I'm sorry sir," replies the landlord, "As I have already said, you have had enough."
"Fine," says the drunk and walks out of the pub. Again a few minutes later he comes back into the
pub through another door, walks up to the bar and orders a pint.
"Now look," says the landlord, "I've told you: you're drunk: go home!! You’re not getting served."
"Okay, fair enough," replies the drunk and walks out. A few minutes later he comes back into the
pub through yet another door. He walks up to the bar and stops.
"I know you wont serve me but can you answer me one question?" he asks.
"Sure"
"Do you own all the pubs in this village?"
FLASHLIGHT
A man and a woman started having sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this,
the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight".
The women says, "So do I, you've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."
THE GRADUATE
THE INTERVIEW
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh
out of university,
"And what starting salary were you looking for?
The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, full medical
and dental cover, company pension with retirement on 80% of salary, and a company car changed
every 2 years"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it!"
FASCINATING …
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
TWO-HUNDRED BUCKS
A guy named John goes over to his friend's house rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and John says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I’ve ever
seen. I'd give you hundred bucks if I could just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second
and says to her self, what the hell – A hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free!
So she opens her robe and shows one. John promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the
table. They sit there a while longer and John says, "They are so beautiful, I've got to see both
of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives John a nice long
look. John thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any
longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend John came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
DRUGS
Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One
of the men stands up and says "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen
and make one of my speciality spliffs". Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin,
Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a
spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag.
Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to
take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and
asks "So what have you been doing then, smoking cannabis?"
"Well sort of", replies one of the guys, "But we ran out, so I made a home-made spliff."
"Ah" replies the doctor, "And what did you put in it?"
"Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it."
"Why, what's wrong with our friend?" asks one of the men.
"He's in a korma", replies the doctor.
LOST?
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question,
"Have you ever been arrested?"
"No.", he replied.
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous
question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
THE FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around wtih a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asks.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replies
Intrigued, she asks. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
Q: Did you hear about the man, who bought a bottle of HP sauce,
A: It cost him, 5 pence per week for 10 weeks.
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Business is Business
End