Understanding Your Communication Style Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness.

Understanding your personal style of communicating will go a long way toward helping you to create good and lasting impressions on others. By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more readily to their styles of communicating. This does not mean you have to be a chameleon, changing with every personality you meet. Instead, you can make another person more comfortable with you by selecting and emphasizing certain behaviors that fit within your personality and resonate with another. There are three basic communication styles:

Aggressive Passive Assertive

Discovering which style best fits you can be done in a number of ways including personality tests such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), psychological assessments, and self-assessments. However, to get a general idea of your communication style, the following descriptions of the three basic types can help. Elements of the Aggressive Style 1. Mottos and Beliefs o "Everyone should be like me." o "I am never wrong." o "I've got rights, but you don't." 2. Communication Style o Close minded o Poor listener o Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view o Interrupts o Monopolizing 3. Characteristics o Achieves goals, often at others' expense o Domineering, bullying o Patronizing o Condescending, sarcastic 4. Behavior o Puts others down o Doesn't ever think they are wrong o Bossy o Moves into people's space, overpowers o Jumps on others, pushes people around

5.

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7. 8.

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Know-it-all attitude Doesn't show appreciation Nonverbal Cues o Points, shakes finger o Frowns o Squints eyes critically o Glares o Stares o Rigid posture o Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice o Fast, clipped speech Verbal Cues o "You must (should, ought better)." o "Don't ask why. Just do it." o Verbal abuse Confrontation and Problem Solving o Must win arguments, threatens, attacks o Operates from win/lose position Feelings Felt o Anger o Hostility o Frustration o Impatience Effects o Provokes counteraggression, alienation from others, ill health o Wastes time and energy oversupervising others o Pays high price in human relationships o Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up o Forces compliance with resentment
o o

Elements of the Passive Style 1. Mottoes and Beliefs o "Don't express your true feelings." o "Don't make waves." o "Don't disagree." o "Others have more rights than I do." 2. Communication Style o Indirect o Always agrees o Doesn't speak up o Hesitant 3. Characteristics o Apologetic, self-conscious

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Trusts others, but not self Doesn't express own wants and feelings Allows others to make decisions for self Doesn't get what he or she wants Behaviors o Sighs a lot o Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict o Clams up when feeling treated unfairly o Asks permission unnecessarily o Complains instead of taking action o Lets others make choices o Has difficulty implementing plans o Self-effacing Nonverbal Cues o Fidgets o Nods head often; comes across as pleading o Lack of facial animation o Smiles and nods in agreement o Downcast eyes o Slumped posture o Low volume, meek o Up talk o Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful Verbal Cues o "You should do it." o "You have more experience than I do." o "I can't......" o "This is probably wrong, but..." o "I'll try..." o Monotone, low energy Confrontation and Problem Solving o Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones o Withdraws, is sullen and silent o Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally o Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking o Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision o Agrees too often Feelings Felt o Powerlessness o Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work o Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities Effects o Gives up being him or herself o Builds dependency relationships o Doesn't know where he or she stands
o o o o

o o o

Slowly loses self esteem Promotes others' causes Is not well-liked

Elements of the Assertive Style 1. Mottoes and Beliefs o Believes self and others are valuable o Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you handled the situation as effectively as possible o "I have rights and so do others." 2. Communication Style o Effective, active listener o States limits, expectations o States observations, no labels or judgments o Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible about feelings and wants o Checks on others feelings 3. Characteristics o Non-judgmental o Observes behavior rather than labeling it o Trusts self and others o Confident o Self-aware o Open, flexible, versatile o Playful, sense of humor o Decisive o Proactive, initiating 4. Behavior o Operates from choice o Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it o Action-oriented o Firm o Realistic in her expectations o Fair, just o Consistent o Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denying rights of others 5. Nonverbal Cues o Open, natural gestures o Attentive, interested facial expression o Direct eye contact o Confident or relaxed posture o Vocal volume appropriate, expressive o Varied rate of speech

6. Verbal Cues o "I choose to..." o "What are my options?" o "What alternatives do we have?" 7. Confrontation and Problem Solving o Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises o Confronts problems at the time they happen o Doesn't let negative feelings build up 8. Feelings Felt o Enthusiasm o Well being o Even tempered 9. Effects o Increased self-esteem and self-confidence o Increased self-esteem of others o Feels motivated and understood o Others know where they stand Clearly, the assertive style is the one to strive for. Keep in mind that very few people are all one or another style. In fact, the aggressive style is essential at certain times such as:

when a decision has to be made quickly; during emergencies; when you know you're right and that fact is crucial; stimulating creativity by designing competitions destined for use in training or to increase productivity.

Passiveness also has its critical applications:

when an issue is minor; when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself; when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective; when your power is much lower than the other party's; when the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.).

Remaining aware of your own communication style and fine-tuning it as time goes by gives you the best chance of success in business and life.

Uncovering Your Personality Type

by Cory Caplinger For some people, typing themselves is relatively easy. When reading a chapter on a personality type, it's like reading a biography of them. But for others, simply reading about a type isn't good enough for them. Just like some people easily fit in a type, others do not fit in a type easily at all. They may be able to identify a few types that they could be, but can't distinguish what their main type is. This section is for those people, written by a person who has had (and still has!) difficulties typing himself.

1) Be honest with yourself. By far, the most important tip. When you type yourself, what you are really doing is typing your self-image. You may see yourself as hard-working and dependable, even though you constantly procrastinate and have gotten into trouble for being irresponsible. Others see a type they really like and identify with. For example, Enneagram type Four might be alluring to some people since Fours tend to be creative, moody, dramatic - and very interesting to them. Type Four may be your ideal type, but is it your true type? Or it could swing the other way, and a person has low self-esteem. "I'm not intelligent enough to be a Five", "I'm not good at leading enough to be an ENTJ", "I can't be the same type as Mozart - I'm not that gifted!", etc. These people might not recognize their innate qualities and only focus on the negative.You have to look at yourself objectively - it's hard, but you must. You have to recognize the real you, not the ideal you. Accept the fact that some qualities you desire may not be present in you - and accept the fact that there are qualities in you that you may overlook. Most importantly, why lie to yourself? You're only hurting yourself when you convince yourself you are a type that you are not. But, when you be honest with yourself, and realize the type you truly are, you have taken your first step on the road to self-actualization. 2) View yourself during your whole life, not just in the now. A common mistake people make is basing their type simply how they are now. While its easiest to know about yourself in the present, since you have fresh memories and observations, it can be downright misleading. External environmental circumstances may change a person. If there is a lot of stress at work recently, some "ugly" sides of you can pop up. In Myers-Briggs, you may type yourself according to your inferior function, or in the Enneagram, a number you are disintegrating to. A normally calm person would see himself as anxious and reactive under a high degree of stress. Or an introverted thinking woman who has just given birth might suddenly become more open and emotional with her baby's arrival. Then there's an internal circumstance, like you've decided to change your life for the better or are suffering from a mental illness like depression. Someone who is normally introverted but decides to be more extraverted to escape loneliness, is still an introvert. Look at yourself your whole life, and notice what it has in common. Look for patterns and what you have striven for. 3) Careful if you're a young adult. This could've probably been included in the previous paragraph, but I believe it merits one of its own. Many teenagers and young adults have an interest in personality psychology. The problem however, is the lack of experience in order to draw a conclusive personality pattern. Your personality is still forming in many ways when you're a child. Psychologists involved with the Myers-Briggs say we only begin to really use our second function once we get around age twelve. As well, the teen years involve a lot of personality

changes, and it may be difficult to type yourself when you are just finding yourself. It's common and even a stereotype that teenagers are moody, self-conscious, individualistic, even involved in poetry. Does this mean that they are all Fours? Not necessarily. It's common and even a stereotype that teenagers are impulsive, motivated by peer pressure, like drugs and drinking, and engage in promiscuous sex. Does this mean they are all SP Artisans or Sevens? Not necessarily. During our formative years we may "try on" different personalities to see how they fit. Please be aware that this does not mean a young adult can't type him or herself. You may have a strong sense of yourself and know who you are. This is just something to take in consideration, though. 4) Examine yourself throughout the day. Every now and then, take note of how you react to situations, talk to people, what you focus on, what you are trying to get, etc. If you constantly notice you are nervous and "fake" when conversing with others, you're most likely an introvert. When you are deeply criticized by someone and it just bounces off of you, hardly even affecting you, you may be of the Solitary style. What's important is to act naturally, and not in your alleged type. Let yourself go how you want, and make your analyzing mind the observer of the situation, not the controller. 5) Act naturally, not artificially. As mentioned in the above tip, it's important to go with who you really are, instead of what type you think you are. It has been observed and noted, by others as well as me, that once you think you are a certain type, you tend to behave that way...even subconsciously and unintentionally! Someone who is normally very emotional and reactive may believe themselves to be a Five for whatever reason, and most likely, their emotions will be dulled down to a certain degree. It's very difficult when it has become unconscious, but when it has, you need to learn to see through the pretense and realize you are just acting out your alleged type. 6) Take as many tests as possible. Don't ever assume that a test is telling your type; assume that it is giving you a potential type. The test only tells you what you already know, it just rearranges what you said into something different. Answering yes to "I am organized and a hard worker" is the same as saying "Judgers are organized and hard workers", giving you a J preference in Myers-Briggs. Also, please remember that tests may have been designed wrongly, and can be quite innaccurate. They may attribute too many points to a certain type, or ask too many vague questions. Still, tests can be quite useful. I believe the best method is to take as many tests as possible over a lengthy period of time. There should be a pattern of a type you score as 90% of the time at least. Don't ever just take a test once, even if it's the Myers-Briggs, and assume it's your type. It's very important you score it over time...the longer the better. During the period between tests, some things change and some things stay the same. Those that stay the same are most likely your natural personality characteristics. 7) Talk to people of all types. You should talk to people not just of your alleged type, but people of all types and see what you have in common with them and if you "click". Can you relate to each other? Do they feel the same way about some things as you? How many similarities are between you and them? The internet is a great place for this. There are discussion boards for personality typing, including the one here and the one at Enneagram Dynamics. Or introduce personality typing with your friends and find out their types. And if you have the money and the time, attend a typing seminar or convention, where you will come in contact with many type experts and people of various types. 8) Watch movies involving different types. Are there any characters in movies you identify with? What types are they? Which characters are so much unlike you? What types are they? This is similar to the above tip, but if you're quiet and have difficulty talking with others, this is a good alternative. 9) Read many books. The internet can offer so much without trampling over copyrights. Many authors will give overviews and introductions to types and their books, but get the books themselves! Unless you're extremely sure of your type and don't have much interest in

personality typing, books are mandatory. What you need in typing yourself is information, and books provide lots of it. 10) Focus on type as a whole, not a few traits. It's very important to not get caught up in details and trivialities when determining a type. For example, a person who is a vocal social reformer and sees a description of Type One: The Reformer and how they are involved with social issues may suddenly assume they are a One, when in fact they are an Eight, a Five, a Six, etc. Someone who makes their living as an artist and likes poetry might assume they are a Four. A scientist may think she is a Five, a successful businessman might think of himself as a Three, and so on. It is vital that you understand type as being something that needs to be viewed as one, not as a bunch of pieces. 11) How you find your type may reveal your type. It's commonly accepted that Enneagram type Nines have the most difficulty in typing themselves and can easily see themselves as all types. Twos, Threes, and Fours can also have problems because they identify strongly with selfimages. Fives may overanalyze. Sixes might have too many "what if's" and possibilities when determining their type. 12) Don't overanalyze; follow your intuition. Sometimes we may understand our type immediately, but get caught up in so many "what if's?" and "but could's" that we see ourselves as any type! You really can see yourself as any type if you try, which can be good, because usually when we find the right viewpoint, we "click" with it. Don Richard Riso says once you find your type, you will know it. When you discover your type, you will suddenly know things that were previously unconscious. You will gain a new understanding of yourself and think "Ah! So that's why I did it." When you have found your type, your intuition will know.

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