Jokes Some Jokes Again!

Some Jokes Again!

The silliest selection Ever?

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Version date: Jul 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

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Jokes Some Jokes Again!

Bestsellers for Revenge Humor from Amazon.com

Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy: Revenge of the Ridiculous Robo-
Boogers (Captain Underpants, 7)
by Dav Pilkey
Our Price: $4.99
Sales Rank: 84 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: 30 September, 2003 - ISBN: 0439376122
The Revenge Of The Baby-Sat
by Bill Watterson
List Price: $10.95
Our Price: $8.76
Sales Rank: 10,797 - Avg. Rating: 4.9 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1991 - ISBN: 0836218663
Chasing Horses
by Christy Tillery French
Our Price: $19.95
Sales Rank: 45,431 - Avg. Rating: 4.9 (out of 5)
Released: 20 March, 2001 - ISBN: 1588512592
The Little Voodoo Kit: Revenge Therapy for the Over-Stressed
by Jean-Paul Poupette
List Price: $12.95
Our Price: $10.36
Sales Rank: 73,911 - Avg. Rating: 4.3 (out of 5)
Released: 15 February, 1997 - ISBN: 0312154151
The Big Book of Revenge: 200 Dirty Tricks for Those Who Are Serious About Getting Even
by George Hayduke
List Price: $14.95
Our Price: $10.47
Sales Rank: 19,439 - Avg. Rating: 3.7 (out of 5)
Released: March, 2001 - ISBN: 0806521414
21st Century Revenge: Down and Dirty Tactics for the Millennium
by Victor Santoro
List Price: $15.00
Our Price: $10.50
Sales Rank: 9,444 - Avg. Rating: 3.7 (out of 5)
Released: June, 1999 - ISBN: 155950191X
Don't Get Mad - Get Even : The Fine Art Of Revengemanship
by Jane Inder Hilary Eyre
List Price: $19.95
Our Price: $13.97
Sales Rank: 63,626 - Avg. Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Released: September, 1994 - ISBN: 0873647963
Your Revenge Is in the Mail
by Keith Wade
Our Price: $12.95
Sales Rank: 426,397 - Avg. Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1988 - ISBN: 0915179741
Screw Unto Others : Revenge Tactics For All Occasions
by George Hayduke
List Price: $22.95
Our Price: $16.07
Sales Rank: 230,521 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: June, 1987 - ISBN: 0873644050
Poison Pen Letters: Using Mail for Revenge
by Keith Wade
Our Price: $12.95
Sales Rank: 419,470 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: August, 1984 - ISBN: 0915179156

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Jokes Some Jokes Again!

Heaven?

A nurse dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter meets
her. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat with
a stethoscope around his neck.
"Oh Man!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?"
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just
thinks he's a doctor."

Trainee Doctors

A nurse is walking down a hospital corridor when her supervisor spots her.
The supervisor is amazed. The nurse has unkempt hair, her dress is
wrinkled, and one of her boobs is hanging out of the front of her uniform.
“NURSE SMITH! How do you account for standard of dress?” asks the
supervisor.
"Oh," says the nurse, as she pushes her boobs back into her uniform. "You
know what junior Doctors are like. They NEVER put anything back where
they find it!"

Senior Girls

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch watching the world go
by. Bettie turns to her friend and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
"Oh sure I do." Replies Mildred
Bettie continues, "What do you do about it?"
"I suck on a lifesaver." Replies Mildred.
After a few moments Bettie asks, "So, who drives you to the beach?"

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Want to Play Doctor?

Morris complains to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife is
becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try role-
playing? Try being a doctor for an hour. That's what I do," says Irving.
"Sounds great! But how do you make it last for an hour?" asks Morris
"Easy, sit her in a chair, tell her you’ll see her shortly and make her wait
for 55 minutes!"

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in a hospital hallway complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up. She does everything backwards!” says one
Doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of
morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He
nearly died on us!"
The second doctor says, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas
in one hour. The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly they hear a bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my
God!" says the first doctor, "I just told her to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Stock Market Crash

If you’d bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.
If you’d bought $1,000 of Worldcom stock you would have less than
$5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Yet another good reason to stay at home and drink beer!

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Jungle Safari

A big-game hunter is on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife wakes up and finds her
mother is missing. Rushing to her husband, she insists that they trying to
find her mother.
The hunter picks up his rifle and start to looking for her. In a clearing
not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law
is backed up against a thick impenetrable bush, and a large male lion is
facing her. The wife cries, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," says the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it!"

More Question and Answer

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Q: What did the nurse with a rectal thermometer in her pocket say?
A: Some ass has my pen!

Q: What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

Q: Why are dead lawyers buried 18 feet down, when everyone else is
buried 6 feet down?
A: Deep down, they really are very nice people.

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?

A: Buy a deck of cards.

Q: How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
A: They had reservations.

Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?

A: Steal its chair.

Q: How do you make an egg laugh?

A: Tell it a yolk.

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Q: What kind of transport does a pig use to go to hospital?

A: A hambulance.

Q: If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armour?

A: Silverware.

Q: What bird can lift the most?

A: A crane.

Q: What bone will a dog never eat?

A: A trombone.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?

A: A conversation.

Q: What clothes does a house have?

A: A Dress.

Q: What country makes you shiver?

A: Chile.

Q: What did one elevator say to his friend?

A: I think I'm going down with something!

Q: What did one magnet say to the other?

A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

A: It's time to go to sweep.

Q: What did the necktie say to the hat?

A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

Q: What did the police rug say to the floor?

A: Don't move, I've got you covered.

Q: What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

A: Seven months old.

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Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A: A cartoon.

Q: What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A: A goat.

Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A: A bricklayer!

Q: What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny.

Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

A: Wet feet.

Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally?

A: They get toad.

Q: What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors?

A: A piano.

Q: What kinds of cats like to go bowling?

A: Alley cats.

Q: What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A: A red carnation.

Q: What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A: A pink car-nation.

Q: What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

A: An in-car-nation.

Q: What's round and bad-tempered?

A: A vicious circle.

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Q: Where do fortune tellers like to dance?

A: At the crystal ball.

Q: Why did the doughnut shop close?

A: The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A: She couldn't control her pupils.

Q: What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress?

A: A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime?

A: A small medium at large.

Q: How can you tell when a used car salesman is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What animal can jump higher than a house?

A: Most animals, because a house can't jump.

Q: What are two things you can't have for Breakfast?

A: Lunch and Dinner.

Q: Did you hear about the man who applied for the job of human
cannonball at a circus?
A: He got hired and fired in the same day.

Q: How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They'll have to get back to you on that.

Q: How many car mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to do it the first time, then another to do it right.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but the soonest he can do it is in two months.

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The Genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife hacks
her first shot, and is smashes through the window of a house adjacent to
the course.
The husband cringes, "I warned you to be careful! We'll have to go up
there apologize and see how much your drive is going to cost us!"
The couple walk up to the house and knock at the door. A warm voice says,
"Come on in."
When they open the door they see the damage. Glass is everywhere and a
broken antique bottle is lying near the ball.
A man asks, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replies.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband says. He ponders a moment and blurts
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asks.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in ever country
in the world," she says.
"Consider it done," the genie says. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looks at his wife and says, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulls it over for a few moments and says, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I won’t mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," says the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman go upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie is insatiable! After about three
hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolls over and looks directly into her
eyes.

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"How old are you?" he asks

"Why, I’m 35," the wife responds.
"OK! Thirty-five years, and you still believe in genies?"

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