Jokes The Business !

Jokes

The Business selection

Hide it from your Boss!!

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Version date: Mar 2002

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Jokes The Business !

Bestsellers for Business Jokes from Amazon.com

Little Red Book of Firehouse Pranks
by Jeff Hibbard
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The Totally Unauthorized Microsoft Joke Book, Second Edition
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Best Lawyer Jokes Ever
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Nurses: Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes 2004 Day-To-Day Calendar
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Teachers: Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes 2004 Day-To-Day Calendar
by Andrews McMeel Publishing
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The Best Doctor Jokes Ever
by Beth Tripmacher
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Accounting for the Global Economy: Measuring World Trade and Investment Linkages (International
Finance and Development Series)
by Joke Luttik
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Best Lawyer Jokes Ever
by Beth Tripmacher
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Working For A Loser!!!!
by Claude B. Carter
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Totally Useless Office Skills: 75 Great Ways to Play at Work
by Rick Davis
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Jokes The Business !

Airsick...

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to
him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he
can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there,
looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the
little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Paper Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Great Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you
sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipp-Ex. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1. " ... Amen."

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Jokes The Business !

Words of Wisdom:

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistil and shoot other people in the eyes.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never pet a burning dog.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of
high explosives.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R.
Young
The Dictionary of Appraisal Evaluation Comments

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Jokes The Business !

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee
appraisals …

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:

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Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

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Jokes The Business !

Excuses For Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns
today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john,
but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and
spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up
Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not
showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins,
huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my
employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't
bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Un-dead and we must track her to her coffin to drive
a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

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Jokes The Business !

Engineers' Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED

- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

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Jokes The Business !

100 percent

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
Here's to achieving 103%.

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??

IF,

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

HARDWORK

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

KNOWLEDGE

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only

But,
ATTITUDE

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %

However,

BULLSHIT
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

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Jokes The Business !

Memo

To: Computer Programming Dept.

cc:
From: Engineering Dept
Subject: Engineers

There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an
electrical engineer and a computer engineer. Unfortunately, the car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized up." says the mechanical engineer.
"We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again."
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I
think we should clean out the fuel system."
"I think it might be a faulty plug lead", says the electrical engineer.
They all turn to the computer engineer who has remained silent and say:
"Well, what do you think?"
"Um - perhaps it will help if we all get out of the car and then get back in again?"

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Jokes The Business !

Government Contracting Dictionary

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different

union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect
control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs
and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

End

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