Jokes Harmless 2

The big book of harmless Jokes
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The Big Book of Harmless Jokes
Version: 1/00
Version date: Mar 2002
Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/
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Version : 1.00 Page No : 1
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Bestsellers for Halloween Jokes from Amazon.com
Boo Who? : And Other Wicked Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes

by Katy Hall Stephen Carpenter
Our Price: $6.99
Sales Rank: 521,403 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: September, 2000 - ISBN: 0694013595
Halloween Book of Fun: Puzzles, Games, Jokes, Ideas, and More
by Jeffrey O'Hare
Our Price: $7.95
Sales Rank: 1,127,309 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: August, 2001 - ISBN: 1563979594
Hocus Pocus: A Whole Book of Spooky Fun
by Phoebe Spelling Sarah Symmonds Sarah Symmons
Our Price: $4.99
Garfield's Halloween Adventure (Formerly Titled Garfield in Disguise)
by Jim Davis
Our Price: $6.95
Released: October, 1985 - ISBN: 0345330455
Funnie Haunted House (Doug Chronicles , No 6)
by Tim Grundmann Matthew C. Peters Tim Grundman Jumbo Pictures
Our Price: $3.99
Released: October, 1998 - ISBN: 0786842598
The Halloween Joker (Wishbone Super Mysteries, No 1)
by Anne Capeci Vivian Sathre Rick Duffield Lyle Miller
Our Price: $3.99
Creepy Castle
by Colin Hawkins Jacqui Hawkins
Our Price: $10.95
Released: August, 2001 - ISBN: 0764154389
Horse Magic (Saddle Club, No 47)
by Bonnie Bryant
Our Price: $9.50
Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1996 - ISBN: 0606085947
101 Spooky Halloween Jokes
by Melvin Berger Don Orehek
Our Price: $1.95
Released: April, 1999 - ISBN: 0590471430
Catdog Halloween Joke Book (Catdog)
by David Lewman
Our Price: $2.99
Released: 01 September, 2000 - ISBN: 0689833873
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Halloween
Q: Who is a skeleton's favourite emperor?

A: Napoleon Boneaparte.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

A: I'll have two beers and a mop.
Q: What did the mummy say to the detective?

A: Let's wrap this case up.
Q: Why was the witch kicked out of witching school?

A: She flunked spelling.
Q: Where was Satan’s son born?

A: Deathlehem.
Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?

A: They have no organs.
Q: How do you tell twin witches apart?

A: You can't tell which which is which.
Q: What kind of streets do zombies like?

A: Dead ends.
Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

A: It had no guts.
Q: What do witches use to keep their hair in place while flying?

A: Scare spray.
Q: How do monsters tell their future?

A: They read their horror scope.
Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A: A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

A: No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

A: They don't have any body to go out with.
Q: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

A: Booberries.
Q: What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?

A: Halloweenies.
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Q: What is a vampire's favourite sport?

A: Casketball.
Q: What is a vampire's favourite holiday?

A: Fangsgiving.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A: Frostbite.
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?

A: Vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: What is Dracula's favourite kind of coffee?

A: Decoffinated.
Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

A: Shrinkenstein.
Q: What is a baby ghost's favourite game?

A: Peekaboo.
Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

A: They're too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A: Fasten your sheet belts.
Q: What is a vampire's favourite mode of transportation?

A: A blood vessel.
Q: What is a ghost's favourite mode of transportation?

A: A scareplane.
Q: What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

A: Bloodhounds.
Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A: A stake sandwich.
Q: What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?

A: A trombone.
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night?

A: Tweets.
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Q: What's a vampire's favourite fast food?

A: A guy with very high blood pressure.
Q: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

A: He couldn't find any dloob.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.
Q: What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder
Q: What kind of car does a ghost drive?

A: A Boo-ick.
Q: What did the mother ghost say to her son?

A: Don't spook unless you are spooken to.
Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

A: Sham-boo.
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

A: Boojeans.
Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?

A: He was on a coffinbreak.
Q: What do skeletons say before eating?

A: Bone Appétit.
Q: Where do fashionable ghosts go to shop?

A: Bootiques.
Q: What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?

A: The roller ghoster.
Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?

A: Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot.
Q: What fairy tale do ghosts like best?

A: Sleeping booty.
Q: What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?

A: Airline ghostesses.
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Q: What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?

A: High spirits.
Q: How do you make a witch scratch?

A: Take away the W.
Q: Where do ghosts go swimming?

A: The dead sea.
Q: What do you call a skeleton Stone Age family?

A: The Flintbones.
Q: What did the TV. Newsreader say to the ghost?

A: This is the Boos at 10.
Q: What is a vampire's favourite ice cream flavour?

A: Veinilla.
Q: How did the priest make holy water?

A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?

A: Coffindrops.
Q: What kind of shoes do ghosts from Texas wear?

A: Boots.
Q: Why did the Cyclops have to close his school?

A: He only had one pupil.
Q: Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?

A: He's a pain in the neck.
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Saint Patrick’s Day
Q: What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer?

A: Paddy O’ Furniture
Q: What do you call a fake Irish stone?

A: A Sham Rock
Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?

A: When it’s a French fry
Q: Why is a river rich?

A: It always has two banks
Q: Why did Saint Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford the air fair
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Valentines Day
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: Stick with me and we'll go places
Q: What is a ram's favourite song?

A: I only have eyes for ewe!
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?

A: A stamp
Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?

A: Nothing, it just shuts up
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?

A: Because it's all heart.
Q: What do squirrel give for Valentine's Day?

A: Forget me nuts.
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: I'm stuck on you.
Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?

A: His ghoul friend.
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: An Antelope.
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.
Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed, "Guess who"?

A: A divorce lawyer.
Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A: A Hog and kisses!
Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

A: Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

A: "I'm sweet on you!"
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Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

A: "I find you very attractive."
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A: A hug and a quiche!
Q: What did the pickle say to his girl friend?

A: "You mean a great dill to me."
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

A: "I love you a ton!"
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

A: "You're fun to hang around with."
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?

A: "I dot my i's on you!"
Q: Why do valentines have hearts on them?

A: Kidneys would look silly!
Q: Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?

A: Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Q: What did one light bulb say to his girlfriend?

A: "I love you a whole watt!"
Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

A: Ughs and kisses!
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
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Christmas
Q: Why was Cinderella such a poor football player?

A: She had a pumpkin for a coach!
Q: What's beautiful, grey and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderellephant!
Q: What's the scariest pantomime?

A: Ghouldilocks and the three bears!
Q: On which side of the house did Jack's beanstalk grow?

A: The outside!
Q: Who looked after Cinderella?

A: Her fairy codmother!
Q: What's a ghost’s favourite Christmas entertainment?

A: A phantomime!
Q: What did Cinderella say when the Chemist lost her photographs?
A: Someday my prints will come!
Q: What kind of pet did Aladdin have?

A: A flying car-pet!
Q: What do you call a little girl who wears a red cape and shouts 'knickers' to the Big
Bad Wolf?
A: Little Rude Riding Hood!
Q: Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?

A: The poor had no money!
Q: In Treasure Island whose parrot cries "Pieces of four, Pieces of four "?
A: Short John Silver!
Q: Why wouldn't they let Cinderella play in the Football team?

A: She keeps running away from the ball!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"
Q: What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?

A: Have an ice day!
Q: What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

A: Nothing, you just run away!
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Q: What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
A: Tarzipan!
Q: What did the Eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
A: "Whale meat again, don't know where, don't know when "!
Q: What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?

A: My pop is bigger than yours!
Q: Who is never hungry at Christmas?

A: The turkey - he's always stuffed!
Q: What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?

A: Your teeth!
Q: What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?

A: You get tinsel-itus!
Q: What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?

A: Grave-y!
Q: How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?

A: Mice skates.
Q: What is Santa's favourite breakfast cereal?

A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What kind of Camera does Santa Claus use?

A: A Pole-aroid
Q: Where is the best place to put the Christmas tree?

A: After Christmas one and Christmas two.
Q: What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?
A: Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
Q: Why is Santa such a good racecar driver?

A: He always in the pole position.
Q: Who holds all of Santa's books?

A: His books elf. (book shelf)
Q: How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator?

A: The hoof prints in the butter!
Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

A: So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.
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Q: What did the sheep say to the shepherd?

A: Seasons Bleetings!
Q: What do you call a cow in Alaska?

A: An Eski-moo.
Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missile toe!
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: He had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?

A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A Pen-guin.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate clause.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?

A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
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Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it "soots " him!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Clause-trophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What’s good about receiving a neurotic doll at Christmas?

A: It’s already wound up.
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More Q and A
Q: How do fleas travel?

A: By itch-hiking.
Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.
Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?

A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?

A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psychopath.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

A: "Dam!"
Q: What do prisoners use to contact each other?

A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A: Nacho Cheese.
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The writers guide to key phrases
Phrase Translation
It has been long known I haven't bothered to check the references
It is known I believe
It is believed I think
It is generally believed My colleagues and I think
There has been some discussion Nobody agrees with me

It can be shown Take my word for it
It is proven It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance I find it interesting
Of great practical importance This justifies my employment

Of great historical importance This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude Wrong

The values were obtained empirically The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that I have a good answer to this objection

The investigations proved rewarding My grant has been renewed
Presumably at longer times I didn't take the time to find out.
It is generally believed that A couple of other guys think so too.
End
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Jokes Harmless 2

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Jokes Harmless 2

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The big book of harmless Jokes

The Big Book of Harmless Jokes

Version date: Mar 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

Bestsellers for Halloween Jokes from Amazon.com

Boo Who? : And Other Wicked Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes

Q: Who is a skeleton's favourite emperor?

Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

Q: What did the mummy say to the detective?

Q: Why was the witch kicked out of witching school?

Q: Where was Satan’s son born?

Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?

Q: How do you tell twin witches apart?

Q: What kind of streets do zombies like?

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

Q: What do witches use to keep their hair in place while flying?

Q: How do monsters tell their future?

Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

Q: Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

Q: What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

Q: What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?

Q: What is a vampire's favourite sport?

Q: What is a vampire's favourite holiday?

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?

Q: What is Dracula's favourite kind of coffee?

Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

Q: What is a baby ghost's favourite game?

Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Q: What is a vampire's favourite mode of transportation?

Q: What is a ghost's favourite mode of transportation?

Q: What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

Q: What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Q: What's a vampire's favourite fast food?

Q: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

Q: Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

Q: What kind of car does a ghost drive?

Q: What did the mother ghost say to her son?

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?

Q: What do skeletons say before eating?

Q: Where do fashionable ghosts go to shop?

Q: What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?

Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?

Q: What fairy tale do ghosts like best?

Q: What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?

Q: What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?

Q: How do you make a witch scratch?

Q: Where do ghosts go swimming?

Q: What do you call a skeleton Stone Age family?

Q: What did the TV. Newsreader say to the ghost?

Q: What is a vampire's favourite ice cream flavour?

Q: How did the priest make holy water?

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?

Q: What kind of shoes do ghosts from Texas wear?

Q: Why did the Cyclops have to close his school?

Q: Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?

Saint Patrick’s Day

Q: What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer?