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Golf Jokes

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Version date: Mar 2002

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

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Bestsellers for Golf Jokes from Amazon.com

A Classic Collection of Golf Jokes & Quotes


by Bob Phillips
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Sales Rank: 425,338 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: April, 2001 - ISBN: 0736906940
The Funny Pages: 1,473 Jokes From Today's Funniest Comedians
by Judy Brown
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Sales Rank: 358,052 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5)
Released: September, 2002 - ISBN: 0740726862
The 365 Funniest Golf Jokes
by Fred Gefen
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Sales Rank: 118,883 - Avg. Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Released: December, 1995 - ISBN: 0806516887
The World's Greatest Golf Jokes
by Stan McDougal Wallop Manyum
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Sales Rank: 779,414 - Avg. Rating: 4 (out of 5)
Released: April, 1983 - ISBN: 0806508310
501 Golf Jokes for (Almost) All Occasions: From the First Tee to the 18th Green--And Everything in
Between
by Franklin Dohanyos John Harrow
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Sales Rank: 385,611 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: February, 2001 - ISBN: 0806521554
Jock Jokes: Hundreds of Laughs from the World of Sports Including Baseball, Basketball, Football,
Boxing, Golf, Hockey, Fishing, Hunting, Jogging
by Pat Williams
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Sales Rank: 412,931 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: September, 2003 - ISBN: 0930753178
500 All Time Funniest Golf Jokes Stories, & Fairway Wisdom
by Sheila Stewart Ron Stewart
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Sales Rank: 122,905 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: 1996 - ISBN: 0965685608
The World's Best Golf Jokes
by Robert McCune
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Sales Rank: 1,355,513 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: February, 1998 - ISBN: 0006383327
The Official Golf Lovers Joke Book
by Larry Wilde
Our Price: $3.99
Sales Rank: 1,875,851 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: May, 1992 - ISBN: 0553295381
500 MORE All Time Funniest Golf Jokes, Stories & Fairway Wisdom
by Ron Stewart Sheila Stewart Sheila
Our Price: $9.95
Sales Rank: 1,124,172 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5)
Released: October, 1997 - ISBN: 0965685616

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Old guys

Four old guys are standing in the pro shop discussing their games.
First one says, ‘I had 10 riders today. How many did you have?’
‘I only had 5 riders’, the second replies.
The pro overhearing this conversation wanted to know what they where talking about.
Having worked in the game for years never he had never heard the term ‘rider’.
What the heck is a rider? He asked a friend.
‘A rider is when they hit the ball far enough that they have to get in their cart and ride
over to it’.

Teamwork

A Husband and wife were playing a game of mixed foursomes.


He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees.
Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a metre from
the pin.
She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin.
He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said,
"We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five."
"Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

Putting

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt,
his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife,” said George. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been
playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week".
"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner.
"She's cut some of us out altogether!"

Bad golf

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?


A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

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Four married guys

Four married guys go golfing over the weekend and on Sunday during the 3rd hole the
following conversation ensued…

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck
for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the
kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they ask him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to play golf this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off
my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'
So she says, 'wear your sweater.'"

Lost ball?

A man arrived at work on Monday morning speaking in a whisper. A co-worker asked what
was wrong. He said that his inability to speak was the result of having played golf on
Saturday. He explained ‘I really smacked one off the first tee but it sliced badly and
went over a fence into a cow pasture’.
I scaled the fence and looked for my ball without success. I was about to climb back
over the fence into the fairway when I saw another ball come over the fence. It rolled
against a cow that was lying of the ground chewing her cud. I then saw a lady scaling the
fence and I called to her 'Over here, lady'. When she got close, I bent down and lifted
the cow's tail and said
'Does this look like yours, lady?' and she hit me in the throat with her driver."

Pregnant women

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, ‘Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your
partner!’ The room got really quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. ‘Yes?’ replied the teacher. ‘Is it
all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’

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Golfer at the gates

A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate.


‘We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much,’ he says to the golfer.
‘I've only taken the Lord's name in vain once, Sir,’ the golfer replies.
‘Tell me about it,’ St. Peter says.
‘Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods.’
‘And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?’ St. Peter asks.
‘No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the centre of the fairway but it ended
up in the fairway trap.’
‘And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?’ St. Peter asks again.
‘No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the
green.’
‘And then you took the Lord's name in vain?’ St. Peter asks impatiently.
‘No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup.’
To this St. Peter exclaims, ‘God dam it. Don't tell me you missed a six-inch putt.’

Harry’s a Drag

The golfer's wife was frantic that he hadn't returned at the normal time from his
weekly round of golf. One hour passes, two hours... Finally, eight hours after he would
usually return home, Bob comes in the door and collapses on the couch.
‘What took you so long, Bob? I was worried!’ the dutiful wife says.
"There we were at the fourth tee and Harry hit a great drive, fell over and died on the
spot.’ replied the exhausted husband.
‘Oh, that's just awful’ responds the wife.
‘It was horrible. All day it’s been hit the ball, drag Harry. Hit the ball, drag Harry.’

Sand trap

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a
naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the
avid golfer he was, he once looked at the ball and right in the middle of his back swing a
guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. Our
golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods". The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran
after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in
a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he
had seen a man in a white coat come through her chasing a naked lady. He said yes, they
ran that way through the woods. The man said thanks and started to run off when the
golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on"? The guy explained,
"You see we work at a sanatorium nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and
all she wants to do is get naked and make love". The golfer then asked, "Well what's the
bucket of sand for? The guy in the white coat said, "Oh that's my handicap, you see I
caught her last time!!

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Rough day

A golfer walks into the clubhouse after a bad round. The pro says,
‘It looks like it was a pretty rough day.’
The golfer replies, ‘you bet it was. The best two balls I hit all day was when I was coming
out of the sand trap and stepped on the rake!’

Missed again

A preacher was watching a man playing golf. When the man was putting on the third hole,
the ball rolled right by the cup when it should have gone in. "God dammit, missed again!"
cried the golfer. The priest was shocked.
"Don't say that," he exclaimed, "or God will punish you!" The golfer did fine until he was
on the ninth hole, when the same thing happened again.
"God dammit, missed again!" he yelled.
"If you say that one more time, then God will punish you," the priest warned. The golfer
lasted until the eighteenth hole, when he missed an easy putt for a third time.
"God dammit, missed again!" he screamed. A huge bolt of lightning streaked out of the
sky and hit the preacher. The golfer looked up at the sky, puzzled. Just then, he heard a
big voice coming from the sky and saying,
"God dammit, missed again!"

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?


A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

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