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DARI TO ENGLISH TRANSLATION (all footnotes are translators explanatory notes) [left half of image 3556] [Date written

in English on top of page:] April 8, 2008 [Islamic incantation in Arabic]

In the name of God, the Beneficent, the Merciful Diary of Rona Amir
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My name is Rona, daughter of Amir Mohammad, born on 3rd Assad 1339 solar anno hejira1 in Deh Afghanan, Kabul. I do not remember my early childhood, but when they put me to school at the age of five I kept crying. They had placed me beside a boy at school, and I was crying and protesting that I didnt want to sit beside a boy. My brother, Noor, who was a teacher at Istiqlal School came to me and said, It doesnt matter, the boy is like a brother to you, dont cry, but I kept crying. I had been enrolled in Istiqlal School which was located at Malik Asghar intersection. I attended this school up to grade 4. When I was in fourth grade, the French sponsors of the school planned to tear down the old school building and build a brand new one in its place, so the students had to go to school at Shahr-e-Nao, behind Zaynab Cinema. I completed grade 6 at this location. In grade 7, I entered Malalai School because I was now older and there were few girls at Istiqlal School. There were many more subjects to study in grade 7, and I failed the math exam. I studied hard with my brother Haji during the three months winter recess and took the math exam again and passed. I was very happy at Malalai School because I had a lot of girl friends, and fortunately I came from a liberalminded family so there were few restrictions imposed on me. Sometimes after school I used to go watch basketball matches between different schools and there was no objection from my family.
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On my part, I kept their trust in me [and did not do any thing offensive], but then, I was a very shy and timid girl. The foreign language taught at Malalai School was French, which I liked very much and got three commendation certificates [for it] from the school. So life passed like this; home and school. I was not allowed to go to the family home.2 My father was a retired army colonel who had graduated from the Military Academy and had served long years in the armed forces. He had studied at the Military Academy at the same time as Zahir Khan3 and Daoud Khan4. We were [nine siblings, all told]; three
1 Corresponding 2 Sic,

to circa 25 July 1960. despite the fact that this sentence seems out of place here. 3 King of Afghanistan, 1933-1973 4 Cousin of the King, prime minster 1953-1963 and president of the republic, 1973-78.

sisters and two brothers from one wife [of my fathers] and three sisters and one brother from another wife. My mother was my fathers second wife.
5 According 6 The

to custom when a young girls hand is being asked for marriage. ritual undertaken by the grooms family for asking a girls hand in marriage. 7 Which at the time had the posh-est banquet hall in all of Kabul.

We were a middle class family. I had just finished 11th grade when my brother Noor married. Shirin Jan, who was a distant relative on my fathers side, had come to my brothers wedding reception and saw me sitting there, quiet and subdued. She liked me and asked for my hand in marriage for her son from her first husband. After visiting our house several times5 she invited all of us to her house so that her son could have a good look at me. After our visit her son announced his consent, so [Shirin Jans family] stepped up the khwastgari6. I knew nothing about such things, so when my elder brother came to me to ask me whether I accepted the union, I said Give me away in marriage if he is a good man; dont if he is not. They asked around and found out that [the suitor] was a good man but not educated, since due to family problems he had not been able to complete his education. In short, we became engaged. Some problems came up during the betrothal celebrations which resulted in hurt feelings, but they were dealt with and a grand celebration was held at the Intercontinental Hotel7. After two years our wedding also took place at this hotel. After getting married, my lot in life began a downward spiral, right up to today that I am writing these memoirs. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] My husband told me that I should go and see a doctor because I wasnt getting pregnant. I went to see [Dr.] Karima Rashidi. She gave me some injections and said You will conceive, it is too soon [to get worried]. After six months and no positive result, I went to see [Dr.] Tireena who at that time was [a] very renowned [gynecologist]. She also told me that I was going to conceive and that there was nothing to worry about. In short, I spent some six, seven years like this but could not get to bear a child. Finally, my husband started picking on me. He wouldnt allow me to go visit my mother, and at home he would find fault with my cooking and serving meals, and he would find excuses to harass me.
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[It reached a point where] I had to say Go and take another wife, what can I do? He twice took me to India [for treatment] and [he used to say] I will take a second wife [but] you also I will have treated. Finally, Aziz, [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] promised to find a [second] wife for him and I knew nothing about it. [Some time later] Azizs wife came to visit us and she saw that [we had] a large house but no children, so she gave her [own] sister in marriage to my husband. It was thus that he married a second time and I was visited with a new catastrophe. [My husbands second wife] conceived after three months and my husband promised her that he would have

8 Literally 9 Houses

happiness went towards her. in Afghanistan are normally built with flat roofs which are used as terraces. 10 A custom in some families with a barren and a fertile co-wife married to the same husband, by which the fertile wife gives (or consents to give) her new-born child for in-family adoption to the barren co-wife for the latter to raise as her own in order for her to feel somewhat mollified for her inability to have children of her own. 11 Despite the in-family adoption mentioned, the biological mother continues to breast-feed the baby and perform basic mothering duties which the co-wife cannot perform.

their child born in India, and [also promised me] at the same time that he would see to my treatment. In short, his first child was born in India and was christened Sadaf as a first name and Zainab as a second name, and I too was taken for treatment [to India], but the [Indian] doctor told me that I had to have surgery in order for conceptive treatment to succeed. Shafie did not allow this because we only had 15 days left and [cited the pretext] that there were no [good] doctors in Kabul, and what if the [surgical] wound were to become infected? So we came back to Kabul and when Sadaf was a year old [her mother] became pregnant again and my husbands treatment of me, which was not bad, began to deteriorate and his [second] wife [schemed] to gradually separate me from my husband. Wherever my husband went and whatever he brought home, he treated both of us equally, but his [second] wife didnt like this and after their son Hamed was born happiness left me.8 Until Hamed was eight months old I did the chores at home for a week and then it was [my co-wife]s turn to do the household chores for a week. One day my husband had guests. They played cards throughout the whole night. When his guests left, I told [my co-wife] Come to your son, I will do the cleaning up, but she said [No], I will do [the cleaning]. I was sitting on the roof9 of the one-storey house above a solarium, and Hamed was in my arms. There were about two hand-spans of cement and the rest was of glass. I do not know how it happened but I moved a little [and the next thing I knew] Hamed and I had both fallen down [onto the floor beneath]. It was a Saturday and both of us were taken to the hospital. Hameds leg and my head, arm and leg were badly hurt. After a lot of treatment by Dr Anwar, Shafies brother, both [Hamed and I] got well again through the grace of God. I was [an adult] and could bear the pain, but Hamed was very little and it was very difficult for him until he got well again. He was allergic to antibiotics, but through the grace of God both of us recuperated. My husband, though, treated me very badly after that and he used to say time and again, You dropped my son, and I used to reply I didnt do it on purpose, I was hurt too, but he used to say
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I dont care about you, you hurt my son. I suffered so much until his son got well again that I could not even think about my own condition. [My husband] did not treat me and my family decently until Hamed was well again. Hameds mother had conceived once more and at the time of Hameds fall from the roof she had Sahar, her third child, in her womb. Sahar was born through the grace of God three months after [the mishap]. When Sahar was 40 days old, her mother gave her to me10 and said She is yours and you will have charge of her. It was Tooba who [initiated] this and I was very happy. Night and day I worked hard and did not allow [Tooba] to do any housework so that Sahar would not be discomforted.11 When Sahar was four months old her mother said that Shafie should stay three nights with her and one night with me. Because she had given Sahar to

12 Literally, 13 A

Little Lamb. a nickname. community in Peshawar, Pakistan 14 A community in Peshawar so named because mostly Pakistani army officers live and own houses there. Fauji means Army. 15 i.e. abnormal situation, as displaced people or refugees 16 In Afghan culture, the harshest and most hurtful non-obscene vituperation is to curse someones father. 17 Buying and possessing gold and gold jewelry is considered a womans investment and guarantee of future financial security because her gold and jewelry are considered her very own.

me, I agreed. Sahar was eight months old when the civil war in Kabul intensified and we fled Afghanistan to Pakistan. At this time Tooba was once again two-and-a-half months pregnant with [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION], was born in Pakistan, then came [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] and then Geeti. At first we were living in Hayatabad13 together with Anwar, [Shafies] brother, then we moved to Defense Colony, Fauji section14. When little Geeti was four months old we went to Dubai. Throughout this period I helped Tooba a lot because I was childless myself. [bottom of right hand page, in square brackets:] We exited Kabul on 18 August 1992 Throughout each of Toobas pregnancies I helped her, four months before her giving birth and 40 days after. From the seventh month [of her pregnancy] I would tell her not to do any housework [but to leave everything to me]. Every child of hers was born at the end of her 10th month of gestation. I suffered a lot while the children grew up in an environment of displaced people15, because if they hurt or burnt themselves I would be answerable in any case. This was because Tooba would be pregnant and would be resting, and miserable me who was estranged [intimately] from my husband would always be busy with the housework, and if one of the children hurt themselves it would be my father who would be cursed a hundred times16. We came to Dubai in April of 1996. We had left Afghanistan in August of 1992. Once in Dubai, [Tooba] didnt conceive for five years, meaning that she didnt want to get pregnant again. It was during this period that she shed all worries. She separated Shafie from me for ever [in regard to sleeping arrangements], she bought a lot of gold [jewelry]17, she took driving courses, and she took away the financial management and power [sic] of the household from me. First she told Shafie to spend three nights with her and one night with me. After some time she said that [Shafie should spend] one week with her and one night with me; then finally she permanently separated him from me but not aggressively, through shouting and quarrelling, but gently and smoothly, without putting herself at risk of any censure. She put the [responsibility for the arrangement] squarely on Shafies shoulders, and miserable me who wouldnt question Shafie in regard to anything swallowed everything without a word, because I had no option.
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[on top of right hand page, above diary text:] Two oclock in the morning, 5.6.2008 We were very happy for some time after we arrived in Dubai because there was a change in our lives. But [for me] this happiness was short lived because Tooba, little by little, implemented all the schemes she had and drove me [deeper] into misery without allowing any blame or censure to attach to herself. One day Shafie said I want to buy gold [jewelry] for both of you. He told me, Choose whether you want [gold] bangles or a

18 i.e.

a matching set of earrings, pendant, etc. probably meaning gold coins, locally called pounds and half-pounds, strung together with a gold chain and worn around the neck like a necklace 20 A wedding ring or a ring signifying matrimony 21 i.e socializing in the community
19 Most

set18. He asked the same of Tooba. I said I wanted a set because I had bangles. [This was] because I had had two sets [of gold] but Shafie [had taken them away from me and] had sold them when we were in India, because, [he said,] Tooba keeps telling me Rona has a lot of gold and I have little, so I will sell all your gold and [later] I will buy you both [the same thing and treat you both equally]. So I gave him both my [gold] sets; one was a set he had given me before he married Tooba, and it consisted of 11 half-pounds19 without the chain, and the other set was with a bangle and earrings which he sold for around 55,000 [Indian Rupees]. These he sold at a time when a dollar was [the equivalent of] 30 Afghanis. When Sadaf was born he took me to a jewelry shop and I chose a set which did not include a bangle and a ring because I liked it. [The same set] cost 3,200 dirhams in 1997. I said Buy me a chilla20 because he had sold my chilla too. In response he told me That is enough now, some other time, and he deceived me. I am in Canada now that I am writing this episode, and a long time has passed since then, but because it pained me a great deal I wanted to put this episode, this bitter story of my life, on paper. Anyway, let me continue my story. The next day he took Tooba out to buy her gold [jewelry]. Tooba told him Buy me bangles because here [in Dubai] there is not much going-and-coming21 and no weddings [to attend], so I dont want to buy a set. So Shafie bought her six bangles, the [total] weight of which was equal to my gold set. She showed me a bangle and said This one Shafie bought for me. I asked her, What is the weight [of the bangle]? She said, It weighs 20 grams but it really was something like 50 grams because it was as thick as two fingers. I said, Even if you show it to a blind person, he will not believe you! The weight [of the bangle] is far more. She began arguing with me, saying, Sure, so what? Next year I will buy a set of the same [weight and thickness]. I said You can buy [whatever you want], but dont lie to me about the weight. When Shafie took Tooba out he bought a chilla for me too, and gave it to me. I had asked him to buy me a chilla when we were out shopping together, because I wanted to choose one according to my own taste, but he didnt buy me one. He bought me one on the day he went shopping with Tooba because Tooba knew that the chilla I previously had, which had been sold, was a meshed one, which I didnt like because things got caught in the mesh.
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I wanted a smooth chilla, but [Shafie] had brought me a meshed one [again]. I said, When I asked you to buy me one [when I was with you], you didnt. This one is meshed, [too]. He answered, If you dont like it, give it to Tooba. I flung it to Tooba, and she exchanged it for a ring. The next year, when we were going to Australia, I told Shafie that I wanted to go shopping to buy clothes for myself. He [answered] Is it your wedding youre going to, that you want to prepare clothes for yourself? [He said this to me at a time when] Tooba was going out shopping every single day, buying clothes and things for herself and her children. I said nothing. One day Tooba said I am going shopping to buy things for the children. They were out until 11 oclock [at night]. When they returned they were not
22 To

resort to patience is considered virtuous in underdogs, as the underdog commits the mean party to God and God punishes them in mysterious ways as a reward to the suffering party for resorting to patience.

carrying any shopping bags, only a few small bags. They came in and sat down. Shafie suddenly [turned to Tooba and] said, Tooba, bring out your gold and put it on. I saw Tooba take out her set and put it on. Shafie said [You look] very pretty with it. I could only stare. I couldnt say anything because if I said anything she would say I can do what I please. Hes not buying any for you! She had also bought a few small bangles and two small bracelets and a pendant. I was half-expecting her

to give one of the bracelets to me, but she said I have bought these bracelets as gifts [for friends in Australia]. She had bought the pendant for Qiams wife. When we reached Australia she gave the pendant to Qiams wife, but the rest she kept for herself because the people she had bought the gifts for did not come to see her, so she didnt give the gifts of gold to anyone but kept them all for herself. When [Shafie] bought [Tooba] the gold in Dubai I could not eat anything for a week, because he had made a promise to me and had lied. After a week, Tooba came to me and said The reason why I buy [so much] gold is for [the sake of] the children. I [myself] dont care much for gold. You have a set [of gold], that should be enough for you because you do not have any children. What will you do with gold? Youre just making yourself miserable! So she brought me some food and said He will buy you gold whenever you wish. Dont worry, you know that Shafie doesnt listen. I told him, Buy some [gold] for Rona too but he said If I buy any [gold] for Rona, she will think I did it because I am scared of her. It was a sly excuse that she had cooked up, but Tooba was very smart. She would both buy gold for herself and shut me up, too. Later, after some eight years, when I was about to go to France, I asked her to buy me a ring, but she answered I wont. You can go and find a husband for yourself who would buy you one. I wont be the one to buy you [a ring]. I [needed a ring because I] didnt have one, so Tooba said You can go and trade in your pendant and buy a ring instead. She offered to go for me, saying I will go, but Shafie should not know [that I am doing this]. I will trade it in for you. But a round pendant does not become you, you are advanced in age. Dont say anything about this to Shafie. I went with her to the jewelry store. When we entered the jewelry store, she took me to a display and told me to choose what I wanted, then she disappeared somewhere. I felt lost, and I was timid and left alone, but finally I exchanged a small set with a ring. The vendor said This is 18 carat gold, and he exchanged it for a price of 1,900 dirhams.
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My pendant weighed 36 grams, and the pendant [sic] I exchanged it for weighed 23 grams, but it was 22 carat gold. When arriving in Canada, Shafie asked me at the Canadian airport You had a [gold] pendant, what did you do with it? I said You yourself had told me to exchange it and buy a ring for myself, so I traded it in. He didnt say anything because we were at the airport. I didnt mention Toobas name and the fact that she had guided me [in the transaction]. Well, in order not to stray from the story [of my life], I will put an end to the gold saga. When in Australia, [Tooba/Shafie kept taunting me by showing off the gold that Tooba had bought], but I resorted to patience22, and consequently [Shafie] suffered huge losses
23 Literally:

He had made life bitter for me.

in his business. God humiliated them and avenged me through other means. It is true that God is the succor of the helpless. Before going to Australia, Shafie first filed a case for immigration to New Zealand. Everyone was cleared for immigration [to New Zealand] except me. My medical clearance was rejected. Parwiz, Shafies friend, suggested to him, Lets all go to Australia. Get a visa [to Australia], I have family there, we can [all] go to Australia. Shafie obtained a business visa granting us one years residence in that country. [A] lawyer told Shafie to hire legal counsel when in Australia in order to apply for permanent resident status. When we landed in Australia, some of Shafies friends advised him to buy property as that would expedite his application for permanent residence. Shafie eagerly bought two large houses and a swath of land. His lawyer kept telling him not to buy property as it would damage his case, and to defer such purchase until after obtaining permanent resident status. But the silly fool listened to his friends instead of listening to his lawyer, and had to auction off both his houses and the land he had bought, incurring [great] losses in the process. Besides this, a woman, named [blank], who was the head of [an] association of Afghan immigrants in Australia, advised the Australian government that Shafie was not a desirable person. This provided an excuse for the Australian government to [tell Shafie], You came here to engage in business, but you havent

done anything for Australia. The fact that you bought and sold property here [was for your personal gain]. You should have bought property here and employed a number of Australians in order to benefit the Australian government. Whatever you did, you did with your own personal interest in mind. So they expelled us from that country. At this time only one day was left to the expiry of the 3-years validity of our Dubai visas. We went back to the Hayat Regency [?], a hotel in Dubai with a section named Gilorya equipped for family sojourn. We stayed there for three months. I have very bad memories of this period at this hotel because Shafie had to spend a lot of money, his bid for resettlement in Australia had failed, and he even had to sell a house he had in Kabul [to pay for the expenses]. So he was always in a bad mood and he took it out on me. He used to say This is all because of you we had been accepted [for resettlement] in New Zealand, but all this loss we have incurred because of you. But [it was not because of me], it was because of his own stupid mistakes. Every day he used to sit together with his [second] wife and ventilate against me. One day he said to me, Go back to Kabul, I cant keep you as my tail wherever I go. I said, The Taliban are in power [in Afghanistan],
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how can I go back there? Many a lion-whiskered macho brute has had to flee Kabul, and you want to send me there? He began hitting me. The children came in and said to him, Dad, stop hitting her and he replied, I am beating her up [to punish her] because she swore at your mom and insulted her. He lied because he didnt want to lose face in front of the children. Whatever I did, if I sat down, if I got up, if I ate anything, there was blame and censure attached to it. In short, he had made life a torture for me.23 Later they rented a house at Yasamin Building and we moved there, and Shafie announced [out of frustration], For a while we wont even talk about an [immigration] application. We will not apply to immigrate to any country. In some years time we will [revisit this issue].

24 jan

25 Literally:

is a suffix to a name, denoting [in this case] mild affection invitation

Waking up in the morning some time later, I noticed that Shafie and Tooba were not at home. I asked Toobas children Where is your mother? They said that they didnt know. I thought they had gone to see a doctor. Noon approached and still no sign of them. That day it was Toobas turn to do the cooking and the household chores, but she hadnt even called me [to let me know about her absence]. I was wondering what to do, so I thought Id do some ironing. They finally showed up around three in the afternoon. I asked her Where have you been? You didnt even tell me anything about what to cook [for lunch]. Tooba answered You should have cooked something, whatever. [After a few minutes] I repeated, Where have you been? She said We went to see a lawyer who has filed an immigration-to-Canada application for us. I was very upset because they could have told me the previous night [that they intended to do this], but she didnt like [to let me in on what was going on] and wanted to arrange everything stealthily. One day I asked [her], You are going to go to Canada. What about me? She would never tell me the truth. She answered, You wont be left alone in Dubai. I dont know, maybe hell send you [back] to Kabul. It was two years before they were accepted [for immigration to Canada]. During these two years I worried every day, thinking that if they are accepted and I have to go back to Kabul, it will be very difficult for me. I was thinking perhaps I would go to [join] my family in France. Finally, one day, after completion of the medical tests and the paper work, [Shafie] brought home everyones plane tickets [to Canada]. For me, he had obtained a visa to Germany. Homayun jan24, Toobas brother, had sent me a sponsorship25 letter [on the strength of which] I had been given, within three weeks, a visa to Germany. I was very happy that day and couldnt wait for the day of departure, because I hadnt seen my family for fifteen years. We bought gifts and Tooba packed everything that she had bought and needed into cartons to ship to Canada by container. One month before their departure, Shafie shipped a car together with all needed household items, from furniture to kitchen utilities to blankets, [etc.] in a container to Canada. The night of our departure I cleared out and cleaned the kitchen and no one slept. Finally, after morning prayers everyone got up at 5 in the morning and prepared to leave. We had some 10 pieces of luggage and departed to the airport in two taxis. My flight was at 8:30 and theirs was at 9:00. I reached my destination after seven and a half hours, they flew for sixteen hours with a stopover in London.
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[on top of right hand page, above diary text:] 14.6.2007, Thursday, flight was at 8 in the morning and I reached Charles de Gaul airport in Paris at 1 [sic] When I disembarked at the airport, I saw my mother from afar and recognized her, but I didnt recognize [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NONPUBLICATION] because she had filled out. When I had [last] seen her she had married and had two children, [but] she was young then. Now that I was seeing her at age 42, I really can never forget that moment. I took them in my arms and was crying. Anyway, we went home. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] was chattering away but I was nodding off because I was so tired. Next morning, I got up and realized that the children were not beside me. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NONPUBLICATION] and I were sleeping in the same room, but I was so [emotionally close] to the children
26 Word

Paris is written over the crossed-out word Frankfurt.

that it was really unbearable. I cried every day; I couldnt even read the Koran. This was the first time I had been separated from my [husbands] family. I would feel better after talking to them on the

phone or seeing them over the internet. No one can read the future. I wish I hadnt [missed them] so much. After two months I went to Germany to extend my visa, because they had [told me] that whoever had sponsored me [in the first place] should sign the request for extension of stay. I didnt know this. I went to Germany on August 8th. Homayun, Toobas brother, called me and said that I should go to Germany a month in advance [of the visa expiry date] because it was [by appointment] and I could attend Layla jans wedding also. He invited [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] to come [to Germany] too, together with her children. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] was very happy and said that we could go to Razias house a few weeks [before Layla jans wedding] and wed be able to attend Razias daughters wedding also, but Razia said that she could accommodate us for a week, not more, since she would be working. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] said It doesnt matter, I will [do the work in your place]. [Razia] said It is because lots of people would be coming for the wedding and there wouldnt be enough space for all. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] was upset, so when Homayun jan said Come to Laylas wedding she was very happy , but later Homayun called and told me that I should go to Germany with [only one companion] because he didnt have enough space at home [to accommodate more]. [He said] When the wedding is over, I will bring her [back] myself. Until [the wedding date] she can stay with some relatives, if she has any. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] said that she wasnt going to go at all and would go to cancel her ticket. [When she went to do so] they checked the computer [record] and said Only one day is left. No one else will buy this ticket. [[TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION]] had paid 1,000 [for the ticket]. [The agent] said that they would refund [only] 200. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] didnt accept and said No matter, we will go to Nazees place, my aunts house, Razias brothers house. It was finally at Nazees house that our schedule was sorted out. All of us took a big bus on Saturday and went to Germany. After we left the house we changed trains twice, once from [Le Nyor?? Nyor??] to Poitier, [then] from Poitier to Tour. At Tour we took the bus and went up to Paris.26 The bus should have let us off at Kessel but we disembarked at Frankfurt. We didnt speak the language [so we couldnt communicate]. It was with great difficulty that we were able to ask [sic]. At the train station [a] vehicle from the bus company [came and picked us up]. [They] said A car should have come; we dont know, perhaps there has been an accident. [in square brackets beneath diary text at bottom of left half of page:] We departed 5 in the morning, train departure was at 6 ]
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[in square brackets above diary text at top of right half of page:] Layla jans wedding was on August 11; at 6 in the evening on Saturday we departed to return to Paris. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] paid 200 for the car to take us back to Kessel. [After reaching Kessel] I called Homayun from [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION]s cellphone. He came and sent [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NONPUBLICATION] to [unintelligible] Nazees house and we went to Homayuns house. At the train station Homayun didnt even once [invite [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE

ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION]] to go to his house, even for a day. Two days were left to the wedding. I was very upset but didnt say anything. Neither did Homayun say Your sister can come [with you] after the wedding was over. I remained at Homayuns house for a week, then 27
The month of fasting for Muslims. 28 i.e. to increase the credibility of my passport 29 Literally: Who wants to take responsibility for trouble? 30 Literally: My visa was stuck with them.

[TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION]


32 A 33 Literally:

strong oath. Hit myself; cultural gesture of extreme anguish and helplessness

I called [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] to come from Nazees house so that we could go back to France. My sister came to the train station. We linked up there and set out for Paris. After we reached Paris we took a bus for [Nyor??] It was twelve midnight when we reached the Nyor train station. Then we walked home. It was nearly an hours walk. We were very tired and after we had a bath we went to bed. Two weeks were left to the expiry of my visa. [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] took me to a doctor because of the corns in my feet and once because of my nose, and got medicine for me because I had allergy. After the two weeks were over I departed for Dubai at 5 in the morning on 6 September 2007. The departure hour from Paris was 15 (3 ). It was a 7 hour journey. I reached Dubai at twelve midnight, and by the time I reached home it was one in the morning. It was very hot in Dubai. After some days Ramadan27 began. I was in Dubai for another one-and-a-half months after the end of Ramadan, me and Shafie [and] Tamana [sic]. Shafie obtained a six-month visa for London for me in order to strengthen28 my passport so I could get a visa to Canada. If [Canada] wouldnt give me [a visa] I could go back to France. But the Canadian embassy gave me a three-month visa. We departed on November 5 and after a two hour stopover in London and changing planes we departed again and arrived in Canada at 5 Canada time. At the Canadian airport they searched the luggage very meticulously, item by item. Then we set out for home. After some days Tooba sometimes used to say Shafie was so bored at Dubai. He cant live for a minute without me. She was picking on me. Sometimes she would say Why did you [have to leave] France? You should have stayed there. Or she would say You might stay here on a visa for two years, three years, [but finally you would have to go]. Or she would say Your family got rid of you. Who would want [a dead weight around their necks]29? She would make me so miserable and upset. Sometimes she wouldnt speak with me, so I would go and speak with her because she had my passport.30 Tooba used to say, Your life is in my hands.
[image 3545]

Every day I had to put up [with something]. Once [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION], Shafies daughter, said to me, Swear upon my head32: havent you slept with my father? I said, Even if I have/do [there is nothing shameful in it] because he is my husband, but it is not appropriate for you at this age to ask [such a question]. Some time later one day Tooba told Sahar to come and peel some potatoes. Sahar told her sister Geeti to go and bring the potatoes [to her]. Tooba said [to Sahar], You bootlick and fawn on others but will not come [to do my bidding]. She summoned Sahar to her and gave her a tongue lashing. Later, Sahar came home and [mixed] the medicine named Paizin [sic] [which is found] in handbags for preservation [sic] in some water and drank it. When I came and saw what had happened I was very upset, I [slapped] myself33 and said Why do you want death?
34 From

Paghman, area near Kabul. Here used as a taunt.

Why did you take medicine [to commit suicide]? Her mother said She can go to hell. Let her kill herself. I said Why should she kill herself? Why did you give her to me in the first place? I dont want this to happen. She said This will be the last day for you here. I said, You Paghmani34, you cant kick me out. You are one wife of his, I am another. She said You are not his wife, you are my servant. Later Shafie came and I went to bed. The following morning Tooba had told him everything. Shafie was furious at me. I told him everything that had happened since Dubai. I said What is it that I am to blame for? What have I done? I saw that Shafie calmed down and went back. After a couple of days Shafie sat me down and proceeded to preach to me, telling me that I should try to get along with Tooba. He put the blame [for the clash] on me, even though I was innocent. Each and every time since Tooba entered our [family] Shafie has sided with her, even when no blame attached itself to me. This sort of injustice I cannot put up with [anymore]. I was so frustrated. I used to wander in parks and cry. When I returned home no one would speak with me except for Geeti and Sahar, furtively, when their mother was not there. It was very painful for me, very difficult. She wouldnt allow any of the children to sleep in my room. I always had to go out to call my family in order to calm down. Then I used to come back and prepare something for myself to eat. Tooba and I would not speak to each other for some 5-6 months. Then one day, when it was my birthday, Tooba bought a cake and sent it to me by the hand of her daughter and I went to her to thank her. Thus we reconciled. The night before [TEXTE RETIR EN RAISON DUNE ORDONNANCE DE NON-PUBLICATION] had made us reconcile but we still wouldnt speak with each other. At this juncture I told [Tooba] everything, how life was so difficult for me here, and expressed the hope that she would help me. She promised me that she would.
[image 3556, right half of page]

On Thursday, 21st August at 3 oclock [sic] we left home for Toronto. We wanted to go to Niagara Falls and rent hotel rooms for a week. After four hours of travel, it was 20 minutes to 7 in the evening, Shafie saw the police and stopped the car in order to change [places] with Tooba. The police was under [a] tower and observing us with binoculars. He came towards us . Tooba said I was driving, the police said No, it was your husband [who was driving]. After an hours debate and argument the police [impounded] the car and called for two taxis for us, and also called for a towtruck and had the car towed away for a week. We wanted to continue on to Toronto with a rental car, but when we went to rent a car the [rental] office had closed. If we were to go by taxi it would have cost us $1,200. Finally we [decided to] go to a hotel nearby. We passed the night there and in the morning Hamed and his father took the train to Montreal -the fare was $90- to bring Toobas car. They departed in the morning and reached Montreal in the late afternoon. From Montreal they set off again at 5 in the afternoon and reached us by 9 in the evening. At 10 at night we left the hotel for Niagara Falls and after two hours we entered Toronto city and reached Niagara after another 1 hours. It was nearly 3 in the morning [when we reached Niagara] . We went to the hotel [and stayed there] until 10 in the morning
[image 3557]

Then we went to another hotel near the Falls [where we had reserved rooms] for a week. It was a Saturday [when we went to this hotel]. We stayed at this hotel from Saturday till Wednesday, and we visited the Falls which was very beautiful. We explored the place a lot. On one of those days Wahida and Farids wife came from Toronto. They had prepared some kabab35 which they brought with them. We left the hotel for Toronto at 7 oclock in the morning on the Wednesday and went to the home of Farid, Shafies friend. On Thursday we went to Wahida jans place at 7 in the evening and spent the night there. On the Friday afternoon at 6 oclock we departed to Farids house. Farids house was at Richmond Hill (Yong St.) [sic] and Wahidas house was at Pekaren [sic]. Farids wife is a very kind lady. She made us stay until the Sunday. On the Sunday we left for Montreal. It was 11 oclock

when we left Farids house and came to Wahidas, and from there we took Toobas car and set out at 12, arriving home at 6 oclock. 35 Broiled meat

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