AWAKENING p.s. We talked. It was brief.

Awkward just like any other conversations that I have ever had in my life. I was caught unsuspecting. I was so preoccupied busy with what I thought was a life that I never foresee that this day would actualize. Never have I imagined being in this kind of situation or maybe that s just what I convinced myself to believe. For many years, I deprived myself of witnessing reality, hoping that I could forever refuse his intervention. And now that the truth is painted upon my sight, I just stared blankly at it, trying to calm my nerves. Draining every ounce of relief left in my veins. Nervous that no amount of humor could prevent my senses from drowning with emotions. So as my soul wept with guilt and shame, he calmed me with his subtlety. I couldn t even look straight at his eyes, because I don t want to see those tears of humility fall. I already know how unworthy I am of his compassion. I just cried as I reminisced those years that I have completely ignored his presence. For I thought that I could soar the sky without the wind. Travel without a destination. Live without a soul. I was a fool to believe that success is mere existential dependent upon one s will and determination rather than a divine endowment. I was ungrateful for my existence. I worshipped myself for everything that I m not and for everything that I will never be. An optimist that s who I thought I was. And who I claimed to be. As optimistic as I can, I departed. I departed, believing I was wise enough. I was capable enough. But wisdom never existed in my world. Not, even a single trace of it. Worse than a fallen angel, I let pride consume my soul and reign over my whole being. I m alive, yet I m cold and numb to the pains of the world. It was an optimism-masked pride. I was fully awake totally aware of the consequences. Yet I just watch as I let my fears come into realization, ruining everything that he selflessly provided. I know I could have walked away the moment I heard the voice of my disturbed conscience. I should have known it would happen, for I have seen so many people fall on the same trap. I have heard the same regrets that now I m uttering. I should have listened to his words. But I didn t. I was stubborn. I wanted freedom. I wanted to experience the world beyond my sight and beyond what I can imagine. I wanted to achieve my innermost desires and aspirations. But instead of building my own dreams, I started to build my own world. A world void of his warmth and love. A cold and solitary one. I can t remember how long I swam in my self-inflicted misery. I can t remember how long I have fooled myself, until I realize that there are things which I can t control. Decisions which I can t discern for myself. I should have emptied my cup before I drowned. It s ridiculous how ironic everything seems. He loved me for I m fragile designed to be vulnerable when I thought I was strong. I thought he was a fool, yet I was the one who was ashamed. I was wrapped in thorns of wrath and bitterness, yet he embraced me with open arms. Without any trace of condemnation he washed all the pains and guilt that I buried deep within my being. He restored my worth. We talked. It was brief but for a moment I thought it would never end. And now that it did I wish I could bring back those few awakening minutes of my life. I wish I could forever hear his voice, constantly reminding me of his eternal love. Now that it finally ended, I feared for myself. I fear that I may again lose sight of what s righteous. I m afraid that I may never resist those worldly lures which brought me in the state of wretchedness. Then, he reminded me of his faith in me. Faith that I will keep his flame burning in my heart and soul. That mere affirmation is enough for me to step out of my worries and uncertainties. Yes! I will forever hold on to my faith until he cease to listen.