Saturday, March 24, 2012: A Faux News Report

GOP Senators Convene Rape Panel: Blame Vagina For Rape

Above: The nefarious Vagina (note the beard).

Above: Republican moderate, Senator Collins of Maine. A recent Republican-Led Senate Committee on Health & Crime recently identified the Vagina as the cause of Rape.

This afternoon in Washington, D.C., a U.S. Health & Criminal Senate Committee staffed exclusively by Republican Senators, announced they were issuing a long-awaited report on the root cause of Rape. Republican Senator Collins (R-Maine), held a press conference to announce the summary findings of the Committees report. While Sen. Collins was excluded from the actual Committee itself (lack of expertise in womens health matters), she nonetheless agreed to announce the findings and voice her support for the Committees work. Said Senator Collins: I believe the quality and accuracy of the report speaks for itself. The one common element to all cases of rape involving a female is that a Vagina is present. Clearly such a strong pattern cannot be ignored as simply a coincidence. While Senator Collins was explaining the summary findings and showing her support, the actual GOP Senate Committee which issued the report was holding its own press conference, having decided that Senator Collins lack of expertise in Womens Health Issues disqualified her not just from the committee but also their press conference as well.

Republican Senators discuss their recent report on the root cause of Rape at a Senate press conference in D.C., March 23, 2013.

Republican Senators started by explaining what motivated them to launch this important inquiry into the issue of Rape. According to Sen. Mitch McConnell, Chairman of the Republican Senate Committee on Health & Rape:
We take the issue of Rape seriously. As a result, we have undertaken to explore the causes of Rape and have discovered that the Vagina appears to be the likely culprit. Our Committee spent many months investigating this important issue and, according to our experts, Vaginas appear to be inextricably linked to Rape. In every case our experts looked at, they found that a Vagina was always present during Rape [ed: of women]. The Democratic response was swift in demonstrating the difference between the two parties. Senator Harry Reid, (D-Nev), held his own press conference to discuss the differences between the Republicans Senatorial Committee on Health & Crime with the findings of the Democrats own similarly named Committee.

Democrats were quick to respond and held their own press conference in another part of the Senate building. Carrying forth the Democratic torch to announce their own findings and explain the differences between the GOPs report and that of the Democrats was none other than Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-Nev).

Democratic Senators of the Democratic Senate Committee on Health & Crime, led by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), hold a press conference to explain the differences between their Committees report on Rape and a similar report issued earlier today by the Republicans Committee investigating Rape.

Harry Reid explained the Democrats strongly disagreed with the Republicans report on Rape, and its root cause, calling the Republicans assertion that Vaginas are exclusively at fault radical and disgusting. Highlighting these differences, Senator Reid had this to say about the Democrats own reports summary findings:
Certainly I respect the good work our Republican colleagues have undertaken. I believe the voters understand that both Republicans and Democrats stand firm in our belief that Rape is a serious issue facing our country and that politics shouldnt get in the way of addressing this vital issue. However, my Republican friends are clearly radical in their thinking that Vagina is the sole causation of Rape. Our own research shows that Vagina is not the singular cause (ed: emphasis mine) of Rape. While our report acknowledges that the presence of a Vagina [ed: when women are raped] is indeed a significant factor which bears at least 90% of the burden (ed: emphasis added) for causing Rape, we also recognize that lack of education bears some blame as well. We, as a result of our own Committees findings, are calling on our Republican colleagues to support legislation which funds an Aware Program which will seek to teach males that Rape is not always the most appropriate avenue to take when engaging in romantic activities. I believe the American People will quickly recognize the vast differences between Republicans and Democrats and realize that Democrats do in fact care more about Womens issues than our Republican friends.

Will this conflict between Republicans and Democrats be able to be reconciled? Will the Republicans compromise on their radical position or will they cow-tow to their base? Will Democrats be able to overcome their radical base and work with Republicans or- will their base

cause them to lose the support of the Middle? Find out next time when we follow-up with our own panel of male experts.
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