To everyone who has ever written to me,

your questions ultimately revealed the answers.

This book is my answer to you.

And to Stephanie,
the best naked date ever.
I adore you.

getting naked. Copyright © 2012 by Harlan Cohen. All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America. For information, address
St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fift h Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Design by Susan Walsh

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cohen, Harlan, 1973–

Getting naked : five steps to fi nding the love of your life (while fully
clothed & totally sober) / Harlan Cohen.
p. cm.
ISBN 978- 0-312- 61178-1 (trade pbk.)
ISBN 978-1-4299-2695-9 (e-book)
1. Dating (social customs). 2. Mate selection. I. Title.
HQ801.C633 2012
306.73—dc23
2011045136

First Edition: April 2012

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
LESSON #1

We Learn . . .
Sharing Our Feelings Is Stupid
(or Just a Very Bad Idea)

I t all starts with a first crush. That’s when we first smell danger.
It’s also when we first learn that sharing our feelings is a VERY
BAD idea or just plain stupid. From the first “like” our knee-jerk
reaction is to avoid letting anyone know. We might confide in a
friend or two, but the only way we are willing to openly share our
feelings is if we are 100 percent certain the person we like will like
us back.
We’ll flirt, ask friends to ask questions, creep on Facebook, ogle,
Google, and investigate, but rarely say what we feel. We get as much
information as possible without letting the people we like know we
like them. We want to know if someone is available and interested.
We ask friends to do our dirty work for us. The reason we use
friends is so we can distance ourselves far enough to deny our feel-
ings ever existed should the person we like not reciprocate or others
find out about them. Technology and friends give us a safe buffer
to cast blame and run like hell should rejection or humiliation
find us.
As a result, we have imaginary relationships with people who
don’t know they’re in relationships with us (thank you, Facebook).
We get jealous of people who like the people we secretly like. We
8 GE T TING NAKED

have friends find out information about the people we like, which
inadvertently gets the people we like interested in our friends be-
cause they are the only ones talking. Most friends won’t date the
people we like, but some will. It’s difficult not to blame them. It’s
hard to meet people.
If we do share our feelings and our crush shares our interest
we breathe a sigh of relief. If a crush doesn’t share our feelings the
results can be devastating. It only reaffirms why it was wrong and
stupid for us to share our feelings in the first place. We quickly
learn that sharing our feelings and not having them reciprocated
is about the worst thing that can happen. We can’t stand the pain
of not being liked by the people we like. If other people find out
it’s that much more humiliating. So we learn to hide our feelings
and run like hell when we smell rejection coming.

Step 1 will give you the power to say and do what you feel without
the fear of being rejected and/or humiliated.

My biggest hang-up was me. I was so worried about how

I was perceived by other people that I didn’t get involved.
It was self-preservation.

—Heidi, twenty-six, married

LESSON #2

We Learn . . . We Are All Defective

W hen a crush doesn’t want us, we think: It’s me. I’m ugly, un-
attractive, and not good enough. No one will want me. I’m
defective. And why do we think this? It’s what we’re told. It’s what we
tell ourselves. It’s what we hear other people saying about the people
we watch share their feelings and get crushed. We forget the undeni-
able fact that not everyone we like will always like us. We just see
rejection as meaning we are defective. It’s all we’re equipped to think
at first. Some of us never change that self-destructive thinking.
If you want to listen to people say horrible things to one an-
other, hang out in a junior high school cafeteria. Teenagers can be
mean (understatement of the book). Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds
are some of the most dangerous of the human species. Adjectives
like “desperate,” “disgusting,” “stupid,” “slutty,” “flat,” “fat,” “short,”
“stinky,” “horny,” “ugly,” “creepy,” and all other horrible words that
tear people down are part of regular conversations among friends.
And I understand why it happens. It’s hard to be comfortable in
your own skin when you’re a prepube with raging hormones and
hair sprouting from random places. The goal is to make everyone
feel like less so we can feel like more, only everyone ends up feeling
10 GE T TING NA KED

like less. And it sets us all up to feel defective when it comes to the
world of dating and relationships.
Rejection is hard enough to handle at any age, but rejection
in a world where everyone already feels so uncomfortable makes
it unbearable. No one wants to be reminded that he or she isn’t good
enough. So to avoid feeling defective, we learn it’s safer, smarter,
and easier to keep our feelings a secret—that is, unless we’re ap-
proached by someone who wants us or we know with absolute
certainty that someone we want won’t reject us. Then we can con-
sider letting down our guard and being vulnerable.
What’s wild is that we can feel completely defective, hate shar-
ing our feelings, and still find love (or just hook up). Feeling defec-
tive and being in an intimate relationship can be a dangerous
combination. It’s hard to demand and command respect when
you’re not sure anyone else will want you. It’s easier to make excuses
for people who treat us poorly, take back partners who treat us like
crap, and hang on to flings that should have been flung. It’s impos-
sible to see that we have options when we are just so grateful that
someone could love someone as defective as we might be. We learn
that to be with anyone means to be rescued from the land of the
single and searching.

Step 2 will help make you feel good enough and hot enough—
always.
 Why We Think Men Are Assholes, Women Are Bitches 11

I met a guy I liked, and we watched movies at his place.

We hooked up, and then I left because we both had class
the next morning. The next day I wanted to see him
again. He said that he wanted to talk to me about
something. This is when he made it clear that he wanted
to keep hooking up, but he didn’t want to date me. He
said there was a certain type of girl he wanted to date,
girls he had “known awhile and hadn’t done anything
with.” I asked if that meant I was exempt from the list
just because of the night before, to which he said, “Well
no. I wouldn’t have dated you anyway.”

—Ashley, nineteen, single

LESSON #3

We Learn . . . Hooking Up Is Faster

and Easier Than Dating

P ut yourself in a room with other people long enough and you’ll

hook up. Put yourself in a room with alcohol and it will hap-
pen faster (not recommended).
We soon learn that while we can be totally unable to share our
feelings and not feel attractive enough, we can still hook up. This
describes most high school relationships. We learn that hooking
up is a lot faster and easier than dating. It’s much more efficient
because sharing feelings and expectations is not required. Plus,
you know you aren’t defective if someone is hooking up with you
(post-hookup is a different story). Hooking up can happen with a
random stranger or someone we’ve known and secretly wanted for
months (or years). Instead of sharing our feelings while sober and
clothed, we make excuses about why we shouldn’t, telling ourselves
we don’t want to lose a friendship, make things weird, or make
people uncomfortable. But then, if the night is right and drinks
are flowing, we suddenly forget to make excuses and hook up
with the people we’ve secretly wanted, but have been too afraid
to tell. We learn that the hookup can be a perfectly “safe” way to
connect—but it can also lead to drama and disaster.
Some people use hooking up for fun (a hookup can range from
14 GE T TING NA KED

a kiss to all-out sex). Others use it to start relationships. Not know-

ing what will happen post-hookup can lead to excitement, drama,
or disappointment. When the hookup ends, it can get weird fast.
Clothed and confused, we have most of the same questions we had
before the hookup, but now it’s all heightened because everyone
got naked—and that makes it harder to have an honest conversa-
tion: Should I call? Should I text? Does he like me? Will she call me?
Did she like it? Was I good? Will it happen again? Am I annoying?
Am I in love? Did we use a condom? How could I let this happen? I’m
so stupid. . . .
The confusing part of hooking up is that it can lead to happy
and healthy relationships. It can also lead to drama and devastating
disappointment. People who are great at hooking up can be terrible
at sharing their feelings and feel completely defective. Sharing feel-
ings and feeling good enough is not required before, during, or
after the hookup. And that’s why it’s easier and faster than dating.

Step 3 will force you to stop making excuses and help you make
dating as easy as, if not easier than, hooking up.
 Why We Think Men Are Assholes, Women Are Bitches 15

17 FORMS OF THE COLLEGE HOOKUP

1. The Drunk Hookup: an alcohol-induced connection

2. The Friendly Hookup: friends who go way beyond friendly
3. The Rebound Hookup: broken up and looking for some Band-
Aid lovin’
4. The Cheating Hookup: no dignity here
5. The Desperation Hookup: looking for anyone— and I mean
anyone
6. The Online Hookup: a high-speed connection
7. The Who’s Next Hookup: the love junkie who can’t get enough
8. The Ex Hookup: reliable, dependable, and oh so easy
9. The Visitor Hookup: here today, gone tomorrow (aka the hit
and run)
10. The I Love You Hookup: love at first sight (until the morning light)
11. The Convenience Hookup: the closest person with a pulse
gets some
12. The First Week Hookup: action exclusive to welcome week
13. The I Just Want to Have Fun Hookup: it’s all good fun until
someone falls in love
14. The Weekend Hookup: I love you Friday, I love you Saturday,
but don’t call me Sunday
15. The Sympathy Hookup: a charitable donation (it’s always gen-
erous to give)
16. The Help Me Hookup: hooking up with a teaching assistant,
resident assistant, or inappropriate helper
17. The Repeat Backup Hookup: a go-to guy or girl who is the
backup love buddy (aka the 3:00 A .M. text message booty call)

Source: The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run
Into in College