Treasures

News.Politics.Commentary
S.C. SENATOR BILL MESCHER INTRODUCED A BILL TO LEGALIZE IT LETTERS TO THE READER/TALKBACK NEWS ANDRE BAUER AND CHE GUEVARA INVESTIGATING COLUMBIAS LESBIAN MAFIA GOV. SANFORD CONFUSED ON CONSERVATIVE THINKING? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE...AND ITS DISAPPOINTING WHAT DHEC IS THE PROBLEM? THE GOOD FIGHT WHEN NEWSPAPERS DONT TELL THE STORY STATE HOUSE REPORT ITS TIME TO DEAL WITH THE CONFEDERATE FLAG BUM OF THE WEEK WHY LIE, I NEED A BEER MR. MEANERS CRIME WATCH COKE, CRACK, GUNS AND DRUNKS 3 4 4 4 4 6 7 8 8 9

MEDICINAL CANNABIS IN CAROLINA

Contents
JANUARY 31, 2006 VOLUME 2 ISSUE 11

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Sean Rayford 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com GENERAL SALES MANAGER Thomas Saver 803.665.5144 - tsaver@columbiacitypaper.com NEWS EDITOR Corey Hutchins 803.261.6874 - corey@columbiacitypaper.com IRAQ CORRESPONDENT David Axe david@columbiacitypaper.com MANAGING EDITOR Todd Morehead 803.740.9090 - todd@columbiacitypaper.com PUBLISHER Paul F. Blake 803.446.3458 - paul@columbiacitypaper.com THE ANGRY WHALE Sean Rayford 803.256.6670 - theangrywhale@yahoo.com ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Now Hiring At High Commission Rates!

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Arts.Entertainment.Etc

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9 THE HANDWRITING DOCTOR THE HAPPY ENDING 11 ARTS DIRTY DANCING 12 HOLIDAYS LOCAL RETAILERS LUBED UP FOR VALENTINES DAY 15 DERIC SPOILS THE MOVIE PANS LABYRINTH & MOVIE TIMES SOUNDBOARD PUNK/ROCK/SKA/HARDCORE/DEATHMETAL/STRAIGHT EDGE 16 17 MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES NEW MODEST MOUSE 19 THE ANGRY WHALE SENSES FAIL: GO AWAY 20 HOROSCOPES BY GOV. SANFORD JONESIN CROSSWORDS 21 SAVAGE LOVE GET YOUR FIX NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORDS 22 PSYCHO SU | DO | KO & FREE CLASSIFIEDS
Comics: Boondocks (pgs8, 10) Red Meat (pg 11) Perry Bible (pg 7 )

DISTRIBUTION Paul Blake,Domingo Rodgrigez, John Starino CONTRIBUTORS Andy Brack, Peterson Dias, Carl Eisenstadt, Will Moredock, Harry S. Iarch, Deric Kempsell, Ted Rall, Dan Savage, John Starino, Your Mom
Advertisers in Columbia City Paper assume responsibility for the entire content of the advertisements. The first copy of Columbia City Paper is free. Additional copies are $1 each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC

Quote of the issue:

PAGE 1

OK, that is definitely real marijuana.

COLUMBIA CITY PAPER 701 Gervais Street, Suite 150-218 Columbia, SC 29201 803.446.3458

JANUARY 31, 2007

Letters to the
Dear Liberty Tax Service mascots, Do you have to do that until April? Dont get us wrong, we all love seeing you on the side of the road at all hours of the day in your foam crowns, swaddled in Lady Libertys green robes. Sometimes you jump on little trampolines and sometimes you wear shades and groove at traffic to some internal beat. Some of you who are ex-cons and mental patients just sort of stare off blankly into the sun, but thats OK, too. At the end of the day, you represent every Americans freedom to send up to 30 percent of our earnings to Uncle Sam. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Overly enthused Mascot, you may as well start flipping us off because thats the feeling I got when I opened my W2. Columbia City Paper

Reader
world that youd rather not know was there? Well, thats the feeling I get when I see your Vacu-Pump emails and links to Web sites featuring elderly dwarves. Everyone else gets those in their spam, too, right? Haha, right? Columbia City Paper Dear over sized sunglasses, Everything old is new again, huh? Well, now I think Ill bust out uncle Ginos shades from 75 and hit Saki Tumi for happy hour. Yeah, these will go great with grandpas jeans. When elastic waistbands come back in, yall better look out! Columbia City Paper

Dear handkerchief user, Wow, that just oozes class. You must be making big bucks to be able to afford a defiled piece of cloth to Dear U.S. Congressmen, Thanks for another laugh. We hear that you were keep in your pocket. You should try a tissue, theyre recently divided down party lines, each blaming the the wave of the future. No, you cant keep them! Tell other side for not being partisan enough. Get it? This you what... just stay away from my nice cloth napkins. stuff writes itself! Columbia City Paper Columbia City Paper Dear message board poster, You really zinged that usccolaguy436! I'll bet he won't even respond. Probably because he's out at the park, movies, zoo or gym. When all your friends have a 45279 after a cutsie nickname, it is time to turn off the computer and leave the house. Even if the International Off-Brand Soda Can Collectors Club message board is hopping this Friday night, take a chance and hit a dance club or golf driving Dear e-mail spam folder, You know the feeling you get when you drive down a range and meet some breathing flesh and blood. back alley at night and your headlights play across [Insert animated smiley face icon here.] two big rats having sex on a wet hair weave in the Columbia City Paper swill next to a dumpster? That brief glimpse into a Dear South Carolina Education Lottery, The Wake Up With Columbia City Paper guy would like to thank you for his recent Crazy 8 winnings, which afforded him a die cast Dale Earnhardt car and number six combo from Subway. The system really works. Columbia City Paper

FIVE POINTS Talk Back! CONFIDENTIAL

York Budd Durden is a merchant remaining anonymous out of fear of a bulldozer being parked in front of his store
with the individual businesses. Now thats some spicy, fouralarm advocacy there, eh? Somebody pass the Zantac if not the Xanax. I mean, really: Slow business couldnt possibly be because of the questionably-planned and interminably-executed streetscaping project, huh? I mean, shoot, they took up my sidewalk on June 1, 2005, and havent yet deigned to inform me when it might come back. Whats a few years walking around on gravel and dirt? Them cowboys out west did it for decades! So buck up and quit whinin. But seriously, I dont wish anyone harm who wants to invest money in this area. I want everyone to prosper. JFK said that a rising tide floats all boats, though Im sure he ripped it off from someone else just like that degenerate old coot Reagan did for his own nefarious, fallacious purposes. (Trickle-down economics my ass.) Maybe one day well all prosper from this frenzy of activity. Or, maybe those customers who have apparently forsaken the neighb are gone for good. Longtime art gallery proprietor, Lynn Sky, had it right in a recent letter to that same broadsheet I referenced earlier: If people care about Five Points, then start coming back! Either way, it will take years to know the final answer, so settle back and hoist a few. Say, that gives me an idea for boosting my own bottom line: Just like the miracle cure the theatre owner came up with in that old Warner Brothers cartoonyou know, the one with the singing frogfirst thing tomorrow Im putting up a big sign that has two little words that will make everyone stand up, queue up, and anxiously await the opening of yet another days business: Free Beer! Or maybe to update things a bit for the modern age, Titties and Free Beer! Ka-ching! Solvent, and entertained to bootthe American dream made real. Until next time, I remain, York

Welcome to the Boom Town, real estate speculators. Thats right, o faithful readers. Theres an ostensible goldmine on every corner in our neck of the woods and if you own a chunk of Astroturf in this neighborhood, nows the time to sellbut it may be for different reasons than those recently reported in our esteemed mainstream media paper of record known as The State. Folks is a sellin, or at least a tryin. Getting out while the gettins good. Can you blame them? For we mere renters, though, times are as they have been for a while now: Shaky. Like standing tippy-toed on a 12-foot ladder during San Franciscos Loma Pietra earthquake event way back in 89. The Great Five Points Land Rush of 07 is going to change all that, though. Burrito money is going to rid the surrounding neighborhoods of miscreants. The CVS Corporation is coming to challenge Eckards for supremacy in the pharmaceutical dispensing wars. Condos will be built, and boys ngirls, they aint gonna be cheap. Hell, a cool half-mil already gets you a ringside seat at the railroad crossing! And all these new, moneyed residents? Theyre going to need places to drop that extra dough once they get settled into their stylish abodes, complete with granite countertops, toilets that flush themselves and an income system to have Jeeves bring round the Hummer. Spend they will, Im sure, but will it be at our funky little boutiques and family owned hardware stores? Uh-uh. These are 21st Century Americans; theyre going to want brand names. Theyre going to want big boxes from big box retailers. Theyll tolerate no Gaps in their Banana Republics; theyll want to celebrate living in the Abercrombie, USA, just like our suburban brethren do, advertising all these corporations for freehell, paying to do so!by plastering logos on their chests and backs and bottoms. Thats what this country is all about, isnt it? Unbridled enthusiasm for unrivaled commerce? Maybe its for the best. Yeah, I said it. Bring on the corporations. Like I said, thats what people want, isnt it? God knows that folks dont seem all that interested in shopping down here these days. Hell, on any given day most of my business seems to come from out-of-towners of one stripe or another, charmed to their eye-teeth by the very aspects of the village that the looming forces of greed seem anxious to stamp out. Hell, even our very own advocate on Columbia City Council said, If business is bad, then theres something wrong

City Paper invites timely letters about subjects in our publication. Correspondence must include a daytime telephone number. Letters may be edited for length, taste, and clarity. By mail: Letters to the Editor, Columbia City Paper, 701 Gervais St. Suite 150-218, Columbia, S.C. 29201; by e-mail:talkback@columbiacitypaper.com.

JANUARY 31, 2007

City bartender: I cant wait

LONGTIME BARTENDER, SMOKER, SAYS BAN WONT SNUFF OUT HIS BANK ACCOUNT
California Dreaming bartender Nick Johnson put his cigarette out in the glass ashtray on the bar of the Tsunami steakhouse in the Vista on their second night of operation. He was smoking because he was drinking. And because he couldfor now anyway. Johnson, a bartender in Columbia for close to a decade, said he couldnt wait for the smoking ban to begin here even though he smokes himself and his cash flow depends entirely on people going out to eat. Like the vanishing of the mini bottle law, he believes people will just get used to not being allowed to light up in bars. And, he said, its not going to hurt his wallet. In some cases it may evenhelp it. I cant wait for it, he said, which is probably the opposite of what you might expect from many members of Columbias lucrative service industry. Its not going to affect my money at all. Johnson says a lot of times restaurant patrons use the bar area to smoke but dont spend any money. In a high-volume restaurant sometimes, he says, people will leave their dining table to sit at the bar and enjoy a cigarette. This takes up valuable seat room and space at the bar for paying costumers. Also, he said his sales and tips will go up when more people eat at the bar, not turning it down because of the smell and smoky atmosphere. People will get used to it, he said and lit up another cigarette. Eventually everywhere will be smoke free anyway. -COREY HUTCHINS

S.C. state treasure lame

Number 41 this month in Maxim magazines 50 Lamest Things of All Time pretty much sums up South Carolinas newly elected state treasurer, Thomas Ravenel. During the last election, seven different states voted in favor of ballot initiatives stating that stabbing to death anyone who uses this phrase [Thats just the way I roll] is justifiable homicide. After all, brutally snuffing out the life of a fellow human being would be just their way of rolling, the magazine editors write. While he was campaigning in 2006, 44-year-old Ravenel told The State newspapers political reporter, Aaron Gould Sheinin, Thats how I operate, thats how I roll. Thats how Thomas Ravenel rolls. Wed like to officially take this column inch to congratulate Mr. Ravenel on his recent victory and for joining cell phone holsters, popped collars and Kanye West as being ridiculously lame. -COREY HUTCHINS

MAXIM:

Viva La (Republican?)
While the Palmetto State may have been the only one to remain loyally Republican after the midterm elections flipped the House and Senate over the Democrats, it looks like one upper-level S.C. politico may be ready to start the Republican revolution all by himself. In this months issue of Lake Murray magazine, which runs a seven-page pictorial spread of Lt. Gov. Andre Bauers incredibly swanky digs, there appears on the very back wall of his exercise room a painting of Latin American Marxist Revolutionary Che Guevara. Guevara, a now-deceased pop culture icon for socialist revolutionary movements, practiced guerilla warfare and believed that only a revolution could force change in the socioeconomic landscape of Latin America. A staff member in Bauers first floor office of the State House said they had received multiple calls regarding the painting after it appeared in the magazine but could not say exactly what the revolutionary meant to Bauer personally. Knowing Andre I think its probably just a picture that was given to him, one staff member said. I know he visited Cubaif it was something that was given to him there, I dont know. In 2004 Bauer flew to Cuba with Gov. Sanfords approval in order to sign an agreement with Fidel Castros regime to export $10 million worth of agricultural products from South Carolina to the communist country in the Caribbean. No word yet on what the cigar selection looks like in the Lite Govs humidor. -COREY HUTCHINS

Revolution

POLICE, FBI: LESBIAN MAFIA DOESNT EXIST

Unsubstantiated reports to City Paper warning of an extremely violent local street gang known as the White Lesbian Mafia appear to be false according to police and the FBI. The street gang was rumored as a separate entity from the New York based S&M club, the Lesbian Sex Mafia, which claims to simply promote healthy sexual experimentation. Just be careful. Theyre no joke at all, a local source asking to remain anonymous for safety and professional reasons, told City Paper last month. The FBI agent said they were more frightening and violent than the Bloods or the Crips. He told a story of them ripping out tongues of gang members who betrayed them. A spokesman for the gang task force at the FBIs Columbia field office would neither confirm nor deny the existence of the gang. Sergeant Soto of the Richland County sheriffs departments gang task force said he had no knowledge of the alleged gang. We know of female gang members and some may be homosexual, Soto said, but we havent received reports of anything like youre describing. City Paper conducted a private five-week investigation in an attempt to draw gang-affiliated lesbians into the open, though the operation bore no fruit. At press time it appears that Columbia has one less street gang to monitor while some express concern that such a rumor may further stigmatize the gay community. -TODD MOREHEAD

During a luncheon with reporters at the Governors Mansion prior to his State of the State address, Gov. Mark Sanford said in passing, The conservative concept is leave the world a little bit better place than you found it. At first it seemed like the press corps were going to let the breezy comment slide. Were they asleep? Not Brad Warthen, The State newspapers editorial page editor. Seated next to the governor, Warthen piped up. Waving his hand from side to side, he said, Strictly speaking, isnt the conservative thing you leave the world just the same as you found it instead of a little better? The governor paused. Then, reaching over, he playfully patted Warthen on the shoulder. No, Sanford said, grinning, thats the liberal thing to do. And as the establishment press joined him in a chorus of laughter it seemed they were going to let it slide after all. But the question remained rather open-ended. Could the governor, a Republican, be confused about the concept of conservatism or is the idea itself up to individual interpretation? The 2006 Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines conservatism as the disposition to preserve or restore what is established and traditional and to limit change, the last two words being key in this debate. University of South Carolina Political Science Professor Todd Shaw says he understands why someone might say the governor is confused. A more traditional interpretation of conservatism amounts to an attempt to limit government and to ensure traditional and social patterns in society. Neither conservatives nor liberals want to leave world better than they found it, he said. He also says it may be more of a semantics issue than anything else and one that can vary depending on someones personal belief. But if someone disagrees with the governor I understand why, he said. Dr. Betty Glad, another USC political science professor who has taught a political psychology class, agreed with Shaw. I think it can work either way, she said. -COREY HUTCHINS

THE GUV CONFUSED ON CONSERVATIVE THINKING?

IS

Meteor or UFO over

Carolinas?
Agencies across the Upstate on Jan. 25 responded to reports of strange blue/green lights streaking across the sky around 8:15 p.m. Experts told the Greenville News that the lights could have been a meteor and were probably not weather related. One resident of the Powdersville/Easley area said military helicopters could be heard flying around that area every five to 10 minutes and officials did confirm military choppers on routine training missions near Greenville. Reports also came in from as far away as Tennessee and Kentucky, according to WYFF News 4. I cant say there arent UFOs, Doug Gegen of the Roper Mountain Science Center told the television station, but it was probably a meteor. - COREY HUTCHIINS
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

JANUARY 31, 2007

Republican Senator Bill Mescher wants to legalize medical marijuana in South Carolina
BY COREY HUTCHINS
Pot. Weed. Herb. The sticky green. Call it what you want, but if one state lawmaker gets his way you might have a word for it that you may not have expected to hear in South Carolina how about legal. Republican Sen. Bill Mescher of the Lowcountry recently introduced a bill to the state legislature to amend title 44 of the 1976 code to say, Certain qualifying patients may engage in the medical use of marijuana. There has never been a public poll on medical marijuana that was not positive, the senator told City Paper in an interview this week. The public wants it. Mescher stopped counting the number of letters and e-mails that have flooded his office since he introduced the bill on the controversial cannabis and said only one of the first 105 was against it. Trying to get this bill passed, he says, is something he should have done years ago. His goal for the ganja has roots that dig deep in the past. Back in the early 80s the senators first wife suffered a painful death from lung cancer and during her chemotherapy, Mescher watched as she endured a slow and agonizing death the kind of death he said people wouldnt let dogs suffer. Whats worse, he says, is that if medical marijuana had been legal, the horrible pain his wife went through might have been just a little less so. Of course the use of prescription pot was and still is illegal in this state and if Mescher had acted on the advice of certain doctors it would have changed his title from lawmaker to lawbreaker. I should have gone out and got some for her then, he said. But I was in a high-profile job and if I had been caught buying marijuana it would have been rough for everybody involved so I didnt do it. And Ive regretted that all my life. Senator Mescher is hopeful that his prescription pot bill, which is currently in the Senates Committee on Medical Affairs, will be assigned to a subcommittee in short order. Thats where the publics input is needed, he says, and those in the community will have a chance to lobby on behalf of the bill something he encourages anyone to do who is interested. (City Paper will publicize the date of the subcommittee hearing as soon as it is scheduled.) I think if we can fill that room when we have the subcommittee meeting its going to go fast, he said. I have hopes that its got a good chance [of passing]. Then, if Meschers bill is puff, puff, passed it will make South Carolina the twelfth state in the nation to enact legislation to legalize the use of medicinal Mary Jane. I just cant believe a legislator just because of some personal feelings would keep someone from easing the pain, he said about opposition to his bill that he believes will better the quality of life for the terminally ill or those with constant pain. If youve ever seen anyone die a very painful death youd say By golly lets try it and thats my whole attitude. Of course Mescher understands the chronic is a controversial topic, especially in the Bible Belt, but this senator has what he calls bulldog tenacity and recalls the entire decade it took him to get tattooing regulated here something he finally did just last year. He has once also passed a bill within three days. No stranger to introducing controversial bills, either, it isnt Meschers first rodeo when it comes to going against the grain. Leaning back in the chair of his office on the State House grounds Wednesday, Jan. 24, the grey-haired senator, dressed in a dark suit and blue tie, folded his hands and smiled broadly. Im the guy who got ferrets legalized in South Carolina, he said. I tend to take on the interesting issues. And about his new medical marijuana bill: Im going to plug ahead and hopefully we get something out of this. And get something out of it he will, perhaps even a kind of closure to the wound that opened so many years ago. marijuana might be abused, Mescher says hes willing to accept that. Caregivers and patients should be the ones able to grow or obtain the stuff, he says, and not have to worry about the government regulating and taxing it. I dont want the government to have to set up a big bureaucracy. I want to make it as cheap and as simple as possible. The bill states that No qualifying patient or caregiver who possesses a registry identification card issued pursuant to this chapter may be arrested, prosecuted, or penalized in any manner or be denied any right or privilege based upon the qualifying patients medical use of marijuana, and no caregiver may be disciplined by a licensing board for prescribing marijuana for medical use as long as it follows certain criteria: cancer, glaucoma, or positive status for HIV/AIDS or the treatment of these conditions; or chronic or debilitating disease or medical condition or its treatment that produces one or more of the following: cachexia (loss of weight and muscle mass); severe or chronic pain; severe nausea; seizures, including epileptic seizures; severe or persistent muscle spasms, including spasms caused by spinal injury, multiple sclerosis, Crohns disease (inflammation of the digestive tract), Fibromyalgia (muscle, joint or bone pain); or any other medical condition or treatment for a medical condition adopted by the department by rules. The bill also states that no one may drive under the influence of marijuana but a person cannot be penalized for failing a drug test after operating a vehicle. Already the letters have been pouring in from folks throughout the state applauding the sensimilia senator for his courage to help make life for those living with pain or disease more tolerable. One woman, an amputee from Georgetown who uses marijuana to ease chronic pain and says she couldnt get by without it, told him she currently gets her supply from the schoolyard near her house. Another guy from Conway said he would have committed suicide years ago if it werent for weed. When someone says Ill commit suicide without marijuana I think you need to listen, Mescher says. THE REEFER REPUBLICAN Medical marijuana concepts are largely thought of as a liberal or progressive idea with states like California, Vermont, Oregon and Colorado paving the hashish highway for pot reform laws. For Mescher its a health issue and if its going to increase the value of life for those he represents then that philosophy should transcend partisan rules and party lines. Some of his colleagues in the Republican Party think its funny that Mescher wants to legalize prescription pot but they also expect it. I have a reputation of doing things like that, he says. Running off to the sidelines and playing around over there. But Ive been a Republican all my life because I think they have a better philosophy, but that doesnt mean I adhere to their platform and that sort of thing. What I think the people I represent need done [I do] it doesnt bother me if someone doesnt like it. To some people in the legislature the idea of legalizing marijuana is a joke. Mescher shakes his head as he recalls a fellow senator sending him an e-mail about his prescription pot bill that read Ill smoke on it. Some lawmakers he knows just dont take it seriously the mere thought of legalizing a drug with such a bad connotation is enough to make their bowties spin. To them its not serious and Mescher wants them to understand that to him it is. To me, he says, Its deadly serious. And though marijuana is mainly perceived harmful by a mostly ignorant cross-section of the seat-belted public whose major cities now fear trans fats and cigarette smoke in bus terminals, a nanny state that may be

S.C. Sen. Bill Mescher (R-Pinopolis) argues on behalf of the bill he introduced to the state Senate Jan. 9 to legalize marijuana for medical use. Photograph by Sean Rayford
Until I got in the Senate there was no way I could really do anything about it [legalizing medical marijuana], he says. But Ive thought about it a lot and then my niece came down with breast cancer in Illinois and it triggered the whole thing again. I said Its time that we tried to do something about this. In 1978 New Mexico became the first state to legislate in favor of medical marijuana and 17 others subsequently followed, according to the St. James Encyclopedia of Popular Culture. (Many of those states later discontinued the governmental programs because of the excessive paperwork involved. Says Mescher, there are allegedly seven people alive today who still use marijuana under a government sanction.) Eleven states right now carry favorable legislation for medical marijuana, some of them reached by ballot measures and others passed through the state legislature. If Meschers bill is passed, a qualifying patient eligible for a registration card could not be arrested for possessing less than 1 ounce of marijuana or less than six plants. The patient also may not be discriminated against by an employer or otherwise for carrying a registration card. The way the bill is currently written, the Department of Health and Environmental Control would oversee the issuing of registration cards, which would look similar to a drivers license and use a current photograph along with an identification number, name and address of the patient and name of the qualified caregiver. A minor could receive a card only if OKd by his or her parents. DHEC would not be allowed to disclose the names of cardholders, according to the law. As for who provides the pot, Mescher doesnt want it to be the state because he feels it will run up the cost and convolute the issue. Aware that the small number of people who oppose his bill believe that medical

POT POLICY

SEE PRESCRIPTION POT ON PAGE 6 JANUARY 31, 2007 5

Wal-Mart to destroy wetlands habitat in Florence, Ballentine next.

Last weel South Carolinas Supreme Court ruled in favor of issuing Wal-Mart a storm water permit for a proposed Supercenter on Beltline Drive in West Florence. The Jan. 22 court decision concludes a four-year battle between a watchdog group called Responsible Economic Development (RED) and codefendants WalMart and DHEC over the protection of Jeffries Creek, which RED describes as Florence's most important watershed. RED sued DHEC in 2003 for issuing a storm water permit to Wal Mart that fails to protect Jeffries Creek from polluted runoff. Bob Guild is a Columbia-based environmental attorney who represented RED in the case. This decision, Guild said, states that DHEC lacks the authority to apply the anti-degradation rules under the Pollution Control Act to storm water and restricts DHEC from protecting impaired waters - a result which makes no sense and certainly undermines DHEC's authority. Now they lack both the will and the power to do the right thing. DHEC is doing a great job of protecting asphalt with their permits. As far as protecting water, this will be up to the citizens of the community, says Carolyn Jebaily, the chairwoman for RED. According to her organization, DHEC recently issued storm water permits to five bigbox stores on Radio Road in Florence within feet of a nearby creek without requiring any filtering, despite the fact that there are cost effective ways to filter the water before it ends up in S.C. creeks. The ruling in Florence came just days before City Paper learned that DHEC plans to issue a 401 water certification permit for the proposed Wal-Mart in Ballentine. Thom Berry, a spokesman for DHEC, said that the department ...issued a Notice of Proposed Decision Jan. 17. That opened a 15-day appeal window through Feb. 1. If no appeals are submitted, then we issue the

Where the heck is DHEC?

BY TODD MOREHEAD certification which goes to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Initially, it appeared that the 401 certification would stall as officials with both the Department of Natural Resources and U.S. Fish and Wildlife advised that WalMart redraw parking lot construction plans to allow for small bridges to span headwaters streams which feed tributaries of the Broad River. According to documents obtained by City Paper, the current 401 certification will not call for the conservation of the streams. Instead, Bright-Meyers, the Atlanta-based construction company in charge of the build, plans to pave over 802 linear feet of the streams instead of the original 954 linear feet. This small concession, according to some, was enough for DHEC to issue the permit. A group of Ballentine citizens plan to appeal the decision. It's a shame, Guild says about the decisions. We live in a state that is really pushing for commercial development and as a result DHEC often finds itself under so much pressure that it just rolls over. Jebaily worries that the Florence ruling may set a precedent in the state with regard to future storm water regulation. According to Jebaily and others close to the case, the court decision dictates that DHEC doesn't have-- indeed never had-- the authority to apply anti degradation rules to storm water under the Pollution Control Act. The ruling comes even though the EPA recently used DHEC as its enforcement arm to fine and regulate Richland County's foundering storm water management program. If DHEC has no power to regulate water quality, then why are they allowed to issue permits for storm water? Jebaily asks. And if they aren't supposed to regulate storm water in this state, then who is? talkback@columbiacitypaper.com happen. The good outweighs the bad on this issue anyway, so deal with it. Theres not a single program that you can develop that someone isnt going to scam, Mescher says. And theyll do it to this, I accept that. Somebodys going to find a way to abuse it no matter what it is. So we take care of that. We accept that fact and go on. Pot in the Palmetto State Looking at other states pot laws, the Palmetto State is pretty harsh on hash. Possession of less than 1 ounce of marijuana here is a misdemeanor that carries a maximum sentence of 30 days in jail and between $100 and $200 fine. The sale or trafficking of anything less than 10 pounds is a felony with a maximum penalty of five years in jail and $5,000 and doubles if sold to a minor or done so within a half mile from a school, public park or playground. Possession of paraphernalia is a civil citation that carriers no jail sentence and only a maximum $500 fine, according to the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. As for now, Mescher is focused on getting the laws changed to protect users of marijuana for medical purposes only but he does believe that if pot was legalized across the board the crime rate would drop as would the number of people in prison. Back in his office Mescher stands and smiles, But thats for another day, he says.
Respond to this story at talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

PRESCRIPTION POT FROM PAGE 5

well on the way to mandating regular teeth cleanings and permanent crash helmets, the ganja is widely known in the medical community to have surprise! medicinal benefits. And according to the senator whos trying to pass his bill like a freshly rolled doob, I havent had a single doctor tell me its a bad idea. Besides, he says, Marijuana I think would probably be one of the more benign medications that a doctor would prescribe but its not going to kill you. In my opinion you can take it all day long and its not going to kill you. It might befuddle you a little bit at times but its not going to kill you; a lot of these drugs that these doctors give you will. But those doctors are in a pretty bad spot themselves right now. Big Brother plans on clogging their pipes no matter what the state law says. The Federal Government says this thing is illegal and were going to throw everyone in the hole whos caught using it, Mescher argues. So heres a doctor who thinks his patient might be benefited by this but in the back of his mind says, If I got caught doing that I could lose my license. Now, few people are going to take the chance. Thats the problem were in with the Federal Government in there. But the other states are saying The hell with Federal Government. And what about doctors or people with registration cards who abuse their privilege? Well its just going to

A trophy case of confiscated drug paraphernalia is displayed in the lobby of the Cayce Department of Public Safety building in West Columbia. Photograph by Sean Rayford

JANUARY 31, 2007

COVERING THE COVERAGE: WHAT HAPPENS IF NEWSPAPERS DON'T TELL THE STORY?

the Good Fight

When I was a journalism underin her divorce proceedings against graduate a few decades ago, there was Gedney. Or maybe it was more perserious talk in the newspaper industry sonal. Whatever the reason, tongues of "beat swapping" -- that is, every couhave been clucking and fingers wagple of years, the cop reporter would be ging on Broad Street for months. At switched to the city hall beat and the stake in the ugly proceedings is city hall reporter would be sent to the Gedney Howe's fortune, estimated at education beat and the education $34 million in homes, real estate, and reporter would go to cover cops. cash -- and the couple's three children. The idea was that after a while, a The question in my mind is, why reporter gets too comfortable with his did this story break in The State and beat. The people he's covering -- cops not in The Post and Courier? Did the or councilmen or school district officials BY WILL MOREDOCK powers that be at the P&C not want to -- tend to become cozy with a reporter, embarrass either of the socially and Founder of Columbias making it difficult for him to do the some- former Point newsweekly politically connected principals in this times dirty job of investigating and story? Did they consider the nasty exposing corruption and incompetence. charges between the estranged couple to be too Beat-swapping never took off in the industry, unseemly for their noble journal? probably because the advantage of having a Whatever the reasons, the management and reporter thoroughly familiar with a beat seems to out- editors overcame their qualms on Jan. 6, when they weigh the disadvantage of having a reporter too ran their own story about the Howe v. Howe divorce familiar with a beat. But that doesn't mean the princi- and the connection to Larry Richter. One suspects ple is without merit. That's why I am here to recom- that the P&C story had as much to do with saving mend a brilliant new policy in newspaper coverage face as it did with informing the citizens of that could revolutionize the industry -- city swapping. Charleston about the behavior of some of its leading Starting next year, I propose that The Post and figures. Courier should cover Columbia. The State should It was a nice piece of work by The State, but cover Greenville and The Greenville News should that venerable old newspaper has its own history of cover Charleston. And the reasons are obvious. A cover-ups. I was working at The State in the late newspaper's management can get too chummy with 1980s when the James Holderman story broke. the movers and shakers of their town and decide Holderman was the president of the University they do not want to embarrass their friends. of South Carolina when stories began to appear in I suspect something like that is what happened the Charlotte Observer and The Greenville News on December 17, 2006, when the Columbia-based about Holderman's strange habits of giving lavish State ran a major story on the ugly divorce of attor- gifts to celebrities and keeping an entourage of ney Gedney Howe III and his old feud with fellow young men -- all at public expense. For years the attorney Larry Richter. These two high-profile stories came out of Greenville and Charlotte, but the Charleston litigators are former friends who had a management of The State refused to touch the notorious falling out in the 1980s. sleazy USC president. As to the cause of this alienation, sources disFinally, the pressure built until Holderman was agree, but in 1988 Richter was up for reelection as forced to resign. At about the same time, the managcircuit judge by the state Senate. When he came ing editor of The State was removed from the newsbefore the judiciary committee for screening, he was room and kicked upstairs to the editorial suite. It brought down by a firestorm of charges including turned out that he was a close personal friend of cocaine use, abusive courtroom behavior, and Holderman, and his son had been part of the improper real estate transactions with a convicted Holderman entourage as an undergraduate. drug dealer. Howe denies it, but Richter claims to As long as there are newspapers, there will be this day that his former friend orchestrated the cover-ups, because newspaper people are only attacks that derailed his career. human and subject to the same follies and temptaRichter resigned from the bench, opened a tions as any mortal. That's why the more newspaCharleston firm, and has earned a reputation as one pers the better -- so that rivals can keep an eye on of the meanest attorneys in the business. Maybe each other. It's easier than swapping cities. that's why Celeste Howe chose him to represent her talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

PERRY BIBLE FELLOWSHIP

BY NICK GUREWITCH

BUM OF THE WEEK

HOW WE SHOULD DEAL WITH THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
In a lot of ways, the Confederate flag is in a more prominent position now on the State House grounds than it was seven years ago when it was atop the State House dome. Instead of flying 180 feet in the air, its closer to eye level on Gervais Street in front of the Capitol. And that seems to bother people more and more. In the last week, two Democratic presidential candidates - U.S. Sens. Joe Biden of Delaware and Christopher Dodd of Connecticut - - have called for the flag to be moved off State House grounds. Six years ago, Republican presidential contender John McCain got in hot water with members of his party over his call for the flag to be taken off the State House dome. The NAACP still has an economic boycott of the state, even though it seems to be relatively ineffective. And the NCAA still has a policy it wont play championship games in the state because of the flag, although the organization is set to re-examine the policy in the coming week, according to press reports. Over the next year, all major presidential candidates will flood into the Palmetto State to try to lure voters into choosing them since both parties have prominent first-in-the-South primaries. For some candidate, South Carolina is likely to be a break-out state as our population more accurately mirrors the rest of the country, compared to lily-white Iowa and New Hampshire. So its not a far stretch of the imagination to know that as candidates try to make a name for themselves, one issue will continue to come up over and over: the flag. Some of it will be driven by the media, some by political ambition. But all of it will portray more negative images to the rest of the nation - - that South Carolina cant get over the Civil War. In a state that is flirting with a major investment from Google, has attracted a world-class aircraft factory recently and has some of the worlds top scientists for hydrogen energy research, the specter of the Confederate flag looms. Despite our gains, the flapping flag on the State House grounds will open the state up to jokes, fuel old stereotypes and irritate wounds that remain unhealed. Its time for this nonsense to stop. Three basic options exist. First, we can do nothing. If this option is picked, the divisiveness, meanness, politicization and polarization will continue. Second, state lawmakers, who are the only ones who can make a decision on the issue, could furl the flag and honor it in a museum. Thats the best and most prudent approach to showcase that South Carolina is actually part of the 21st century. Unfortunately, it is almost 100 percent unlikely. When state lawmakers moved the flag to its present location in 2000, they checked the issue off their list and sent it to legislative purgatory. Most lawmakers Republican and Democratic kind of figure theyve dealt with the issue. In their minds, theres not much advantage to working on it and that goes double for many Republicans who depend on a right-wing base for electoral support. So what can be done? Perhaps theres a third way to ameliorate media tensions among presidential contenders and halt the expected barrage of negative flag stories. A wise outof-state politician suggests a major state organization should create a common agenda for candidates to agree upon to diffuse the issue. Best positioned for such a task is the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce, a business-oriented group that knows negative publicity is very bad for business in the state. Heres a suggested statement for the Chamber and/or sister statewide organizations to consider getting presidential candidates of all parties to agree to: We urge South Carolina legislators to take another look at the issue of the Confederate flag being on the State House grounds and to develop a new compromise that will respect the traditions of the past but help the state forge ahead into the opportunities of the future. The flag needs to come off the State House grounds now. But if it cant, at least we can start talking about whats next now.

BUM STATS NAME: Wilbur AGE: 45 LOCATION: Five Points DRUG OF CHOICE: Honesty QUOTE: Them fers will steal the penis off a dead man.
Tonight is the first time Wilbur has ever attempted the Why lie sign that for all its candor has already earned him a 24-ounce bottle of Icehouse of which he now fiddles with the cap. A man in khakis and a button-down collared shirt stops to read the sign and chuckles. I got your back, the man says and takes out his wallet. With his girlfriend annoyed and shivering beside him, he hands a dollar bill to the grinning homeless man. Wilbur: Let me get two. Good Samaritan: See, Im trying to hook you up. Wilbur: God bless you. Cant buy beer with a dollar, man. Stuffing the dollar in his pocket and squinting at the rain, Wilbur says he never sleeps in the same place twice and stays away from the shelters. The people in there are the same f-ers youre locked up in jail with, he says and theres just too much shit talking going on. Also: Them f---ers will steal the penis off a dead mans ass. Wilbur sits on a Harden Street curb near the College Mart parking lot half a block from Locals bar. To his right another homeless man, old, black and wearing a straw hat and camouflage sits against the wall, eyes sunken and head down. He never says a word. Wilbur doesnt acknowledge his neighbor and tries to capitalize on the next passerby he thinks might help him out. Last call bo, Saturday night, Im hungry, he says to a college guy who does the obligatory pat of both pockets with a sheepish grin before saying I dont have any cash on me at all. And while Wilbur tends to keep to himself while panhandling, he says one thing about being out on his own and traveling around is that he gets to meet a world full of good people. The worst part about being homeless for him? The rain. Hes also an ethical hobo, he says. No stealing or any of that. No way in hell Im going to run up in that store and shoplift. Im going to panhandle my money. And panhandle he does if not brazenly as a police cruiser slowly sharks by. I aint raping no children, I aint robbing, he says, his eyes following the cruiser until its out of sight. I believe over the years I finally got a little respect. Wilbur has learned how to stay out of the slammer, too, he says. I get too drunk I go lay down somewhere, shit. He looks up at the sky and his one black eye twitches. It looks like its going to rain. Unbagging the Icehouse he takes a swig. Last call bo he says to the bouncer of a nearby bar who walks on oblivious as wilbur waves his sign.

BY COREY HUTCHINS

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

The Boondocks

JANUARY 31, 2007

Among the things that, shortly before last call on a lightly drizzling night in Five Points, evidently work for some panhandlers is, astonishingly, honesty. This truth was revealed recently to Wilbur, a white 45-year-old self-proclaimed hobo who has been wandering the streets ever since his wife was killed in 1990, as he put the finishing touches on a homemade sign with a black Sharpie marker. This spelled right? he asks smiling, his front grill lacking the right central incisor. He tilts the nowfinished sign, a torn flap of pizza box, displaying his creation. Why lie I need a beer, it reads in sloppy lettering. About five feet 10 inches tall and stocky, Wilbur Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse Report, can is dressed in cargo pants that are stuffed into a pair of dirty tan boots. A tight denim jacket covers a grey be reached at brack@statehousereport.com. hooded sweatshirt. On his back is a massive green talkback@columbiacitypaper.com Army pack (The necessities of life, he says). His right eye is swollen and black, a classic shiner. A man had punched him out last Friday and tried to mug him of his last $7. I wasnt giving him my money, Wilbur says about it and shrugs and for that hed been popped in the eye. But this is nothing compared to the guy with the gun Wilbur saw trying to carjack a girl near the Five Points fountain about an hour ago.. AARON MCGRUDER As he talks about it lights from police vehicles still parked in the lot flash across his face. Somebody was hollerin he got a gun, he got a gun and everybody hauled ass, he says. Which brings the traveling hobo to the part of living on the street that, even though you get used to it after a while, can still make it tough. Theres too much dirty shit going on, Wilbur says about the community with which he shares a lifestyle. Theyre all whacked out on that shit. They smokin that shit. Crack. And, sure, Wilburs had his taste of it too. Didnt like it though. It wasnt for him. Its f-ing like a bad shit, he says about hitting the rock. Like a runny talkback@columbiacitypaper.com shit. Hed much rather smoke that weed.

Somebody was hollerin he got a gun, he got a gun and everybody hauled ass,

THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THESE EVENTS ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. THE ACCOUNTS COME DIRECTLY FROM POLICE REPORTS. THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW.
29206 STEAKOUT: Columbias cunning criminal task force was in full force this week when an officer noticed a homeless man attempting to conceal a pack of steaks under his shirt. I was hungry, the 53-year-old bullion bum told the officer after trying to jack three packs of filet mignon. No cookout for this character, he went straight to the slammer; 5400 block Forst Drive. Also, a man at the Bi-Lo on North Main Street was caught stuffing three packs of Sausage and two packs of baby ribs down his pants. This guy didnt go to jail he was only put on trespass notice, but a manager did say the items would not be available for resale. No joke. 29054 I dont give a f--k. Bitch, your ass is going to die tonight. Thats what one redneck scumbag told his girlfriend as he pinned her down crushing their son between her body and floor. This jag-off also said he was going to strangle their newborn. It wasnt on the set of Jerry Springer, either, it actually happened in Gilbert. The only thing Ive ever heard about Gilbert is that there are crocodiles in Gilbert and this numbnut sounds like a perfect candidate for croc food. What do you think neighbors? 900 block Broad Street. 29072 While Columbia tends to have a problem with crack rock, just over the county line theres a problem with sheet rock. Missing sheet rock that is, according to the Lexington County Sheriffs Department. On person said theyre missing 78 boards of sheet rock valued at $1,131. Meanwhile, over in Martin Luther King, Jr. Park some skeezball is no doubt trying to pass little nuggets of sheetrock off as that hard stuff; 100 block Flagstone Way 29073 I love a cop who will tell it to you straight. Like in a simple assault report filed Jan. 19, one officer writes: Rachel says Justin was checking her messages because he is a nosy fuck. Thats awesome. Rachel also told Justin that the child she is pregnant with isnt his. J-dog didnt like that too much and snapped her cell phone in half as she tried to call 911. Justins story is even better: according to police, J-rock says he was taking a shit and on the phone when Rachel busted in and choked him out while he was on the crapper; 4000 block Mineral Springs Road. 29073 I remember a conversation I had with my first editor when I freelanced as a police reporter in college. Make sure to write down the dumb stuff too once in a while, he said. Like stolen lawnmowers and weed whackers that sort of thing. So this ones for you Jerry: a green Bolens 6HP lawnmower was stolen from a 23-year-old Lexington man this week. He told police he hadnt seen or heard anything. And Jerry, if youre reading this, hit me up the next time youre in Columbia and well cruise around looking for bums or something; 160 block Dickertt Drive. 29073 Can you hear me nowbitch? Thats pretty much what an unknown caller said over the telephone to a 42-year-old Lexington woman. The woman said the caller used many other profane words as well. Wed like to hear em; 160 block Condor Road. 29123 A man from Pelion told police that he wants his crack dealer roommate out of his house. The 47-year-old rumpled roommate also said the cracked out cohort threatened to kill him. But that is what most crackheads tend to do towards the end of the month isnt it? 900 block Windywood Road. 29123 If your family members show up on my property I will meet them with a shotgun. Thats what a surprise! Pelion man said to a 9-year-old girl about her kinfolk out there yonder on the 400 block there of that darn Jerald Road. 29169 This comes from a simple assault incident report: Johnny dropped a load off at Selectron off Platt Springs Road. No, its not potty police humor, Johnny happens to be a truck driver and it wasnt just a load he dropped off that day. He also picked up a 34year-old chick to drive around with and when she refused to go back to his house with him he opened the truck door and pushed her out. The woman got up and maced Johnny in the face before calling the cops; 70 block Lexington Drive. 29170 Fireworks in the mailbox. Bam! A 46-yearold West Columbia mans ears are still ringing about it, too. Like what if he won the Publishers Clearing House that day? Oh well, he says hes really just pissed that he has to spend $20 on a new mailbox. Still waiting on the grand finale; 200 block Westgate Drive. 29201 In other news, police arrested a 61-year-old man because he was too drunk to remember his own name; 1000 block Kinard Court. 29201 B-murda, (a.k.a Fire In The Sky and M.C. Doughboy), a rising star in Columbias beat production scene, was arrested Jan. 26 on two charges. Police arrested the Magic Murda Music producer for drunkenness and carrying a concealed weapon (a switchblade knife he purchased in Myrtle Beach). Most recognized for the hit jam Ima take the South, B-murda hit the bars shortly before midnight after drinking most of a bottle of Evan Williams green label and was arrested shortly thereafter. I went to the gas station to get some Newports and I was walking out there all f----d up with a cigar in my mouth and the next thing I know Im locked up, he said following thearrest. No word yet on what it will do for his career. 29201 Damons Doozie: after the security alarm went off at Damons in the Vista shortly before 2 a.m. police responded to find the front window busted out. Once inside the restaurant however, they found a woman passed out in one of the booths. An officer tapped her on the ankle and she woke up. The cop asked her if she knew what was going on and she said no. Sounds like a drinking problem, maam. No, really, it does this time; 900 block Senate Street. 29202 A couple douchebag diners rang up a $63 tab of food and drinks at Jillians in the Vista then pulled the old dine-and-ditch maneuver. According to reports a Jillians employee raced out the door and confronted the restaurant racketeers but they drove off before he could get their plate number; 800 block Gervais Street. 29203 A man called the police ranting and raving because some jackass had pulled out multiple handguns on him and rummaged through his pants in order to steal his wallet. Hey, Id be pissed too, but I live in Columbia and just tend to expect this kind of stuff; 1000 Avondale Dr. 29203 Cops arrested a 17-year-old Eau Claire High School student for possession of an unlawful weapon after he refused to give the knife he was carrying to teachers and staff members on a bus headed towards the technology center; 4800 block Menticello Road. 29203 After a concerned citizen called police to complain about drug activity in the neighborhood, officers rounded up some suspects and patted them down. A frisk on one guy turned up a lock blade razor/knife and the unlawful weapons wonk was field-booked, issued a citation for unlawful weapon and had his knife taken away; 4000 block Water Street. 29203 Cops on patrol said they saw a woman and two men walking along the road. The officer stopped and conducted a field interview and found out the 49-year-old woman had an outstanding warrant. Once this new information came in the officer frisked her and found a razor/knife in her pants pocket. Because of that she was issued an unlawful weapons charge; 2700 block River Drive. 29203 After a complaint about alleged drug and gang activity came in police raced to the scene. After a foot chase of one 31-year-old man, cops found him in possession of CRACK and pot; 100 block Ripplemyer Ave. 29204 The call for a man with a gun crackled across police radio dispatch channels shortly before midnight Jan. 19. When police arrived to the scene they found the 47-yearold gunman with a black handgun and a head full of booze. Cops arrested the ginsoaked gunman proving once again that firearms and alcohol can only bring you to a level of fame associated with being in the City Paper Crime Report for as long as it takes someone to read it while taking a dump; 2300 block Ervin Street. 29204 Remember Rage Against The Machine? No? Oh. What? No, they never toured with Widespread. Anyway their guitar player used to have Arm the homeless written on the body of his guitar. Not so important unto itself, but even though Rage has been defunct for years it looks like someone actually took their advice here in Columbia. According to police documents an officer arrested a 40-year-old homeless man for drunkenness and carrying ammunitions. Crazy, we know. Power to the people and all that; 2700 block School House Road. 29204 An officer of the law watched two women scream and yell at each other from opposite sides of the road before he finally walked up to one of them and told her to shut the hell up. As soon as the cop was about a foot away, the smell of alcohol coming from one of the screaming banshees was enough to choke a horse. The officer arrested the 48year-old lush and dragged her ass to the drunk tank; 2800 block School House Road. 29204 HIDING COKE IN HIS ASS: Well, thats what police say the 33-year-old blowhead they caught in possession of the skeet said after they pulled his car over and observed him digging towards the back of his pants with his left hand as if he were trying to conceal something. And conceal it he was. The officer of course also said the man had been pulled over in an area known for the sale and distribution of illegal narcotics and for persons committing violent crimes and carrying weapons. There go YOUR property values Lenox Street residents; 2400 block Lenox Street. 29205 Picture a car loaded with kids barreling down the street with blue-tinged pot smoke billowing from the windows illegally changing lanes. If you were a cop would you pull the car over? Well the officer who saw this scene certainly did and sent all three of the young dopers to jail; 1300 block Millwood Ave. 29205 A cop sharking the bar at Jungle Jims arrested two kids for under-age drinking. How did he deduce that they were under the legal drinking age by sight alone? Easy. According to the report, the reporting officer observed subject 1 and subject 2 holding red colored liquor drinks. That will do it every time, kiddos; 700 block Harden Street. 29205 You hear about that big fight outside Group Therapy the other night? Well heres the cops point of view: Upon making my way through the mob [I] observed the listed subjects intertwined on the concrete striking each other with closed fists. [I] separated the subjects and charged them with fighting. Wow, they can make anything sound boring; 800 block Harden Street. 29205 A black man in a camouflage hat is walking down College Street carrying a shotgun. Thats what the caller told the telephone response unit who dispatched an officer to the location right away. Sure enough, the officer saw a homeless man walking down the street...and sure enough he had a shotgun. Another officer arrived and the two of them took the man to the pavement, cuffed him, and hauled him away; 2400 block College Street. 29206 Be all that you can beexcept when you cantthen just act like the idiot wannabe thug you are and steal an ARMY wind breaker from the U.S. Patriot store like this jagoff did. He was not arrested; 5500 block Forest Drive. 29212 Caffeinated caper: cops were called to the Columbiana Mall recently when a store manager realized someone had jacked a $3,200 coffee maker off a shelf. The manager made a point to note it was an, excuse me, Impressa Z-5. Wow, were impressa-ed; 100 block Columbiana Circle. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

CRIME WATCH

Mr. Meaners

The Handwriting Doctor By Michelle Dresbold

CITY PAPER CASE 3: THE HAPPY ENDING
Dear Michelle, I have a problem with men. I have been married twice. I never suspected that my first husband, who traveled a lot for work, was seeing other women. To my surprise, I found out that he was not only seeing other women-he was actually married to another woman in another state for almost two years during our marriage. My second husband got our sixteen year old babysitter pregnant. Of course, both marriages ended in divorce. I say that I am through with men but, my life seems so empty. I work in a factory and am raising three children alone. I know a lot of people who stay in a loveless marriage and, sometimes, I wonder if its better to be in a loveless marriage than to be alone? Can you look at my handwriting and figure out what my problem is? Betty from Danville, Kentucky Dear Betty, Your problem is that you pick losers for husbands. The question is why? Lets check out your handwriting. Most of your handwriting slants to the right. Rightslanted writers lead with their hearts, not their heads. And the more their handwriting leans to the right, the more they are ruled by their emotions. Right-leaning writers tend to be very giving emotionally. Though your writing is mostly right-slanted, there is one letter that you write that consistently pulls to the left. That letter (or should I say word) is your personal pronoun I. Your left-leaning personal pronoun shows that you attend to everyone elses needs except your own. Be good to yourself. Create a you that youll be happy to live with. A recent study revealed that more than half of adult women now live alone. Clearly, many prefer it that way. Fairy-tale endings arent what they used to be, thats for sure. In the modern fairy tale, a beautiful, independent, and confident princess comes upon a frog in a pond. The frog says, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can get married and you can move into the

castle with my parents. You can cook and clean for me, bear my children and well live happily ever after. That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed and thought to herself, I dont think so. Michelle Dresbold is a nationally known handwriting expert and personality profiler. She is the author of Sex, Lies, and Handwriting, published by Simon & Schusters Free Press. Mail your handwritten questions and comments to: The Handwriting Doctor, P.O. Box 1161, Monroeville, PA 15146.

JANUARY 31, 2006

The Boondocks

AARON MCGRUDER

10

JANUARY 31, 2007

and by appt. Contact: 803/771-8815 or 1431 Assembly st. 929-3434 e-mail at (simonsgallery@aol.com). www.richland.lib.sc.us S.C. State Museum Idylwild Arts, Galleries, Studios, Etc., 301 Gervais st. 898-4902 903 Huger Street, Columbia. Featuring www.museum.state.sc.us a variety of original art by local area artists. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am-6pm. The Artists Basement Contact: 803/779-3009. 2013 Devine Street 727-7537 *White on White * University of South If ART Gallery, 1223 Lincoln St., Carolina Professors and Graduate stuAmba Studios, 3135 Forest Drive, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 11am-7pm dents Show. Opening Reception, Friday Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fr., 8am-5pm. & by appt. Contact: 803/238-2351 or e- Feb 2nd 6-10pm. Live music, libation, and good eats. Steal the bacon! Contact: 803/782-6171 or at mail at (wroefs@sc.rr.com). (www.ambastudios.com). John Mirandas South Carolina The Art Garage Bella Vista Art & Framing, 705 Artists Gallery, Dutch Square Mall, 728 S Edisto Ave Columbia, SC 29205 Gervais St., downstairs of City Market next to Belk, 421 Bush River Rd., http://www.myspace.com/_the_garage Antiques, Columbia. Hours: Tue.-Sat., Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am - *UPCOMING SHOWS* 10am-5:30pm. Contact: 803/765-0808 9pm & Sun. 12:30pm-6pm. Contact: Feb 9 Summer Hymns or e-mail at 803/750-6750. Folklore (bellavistaart@bellsouth.net). Lewis & Clark Gallery, 1231 Lincoln Feb 13 Blue Sky Gallery, Five Points, 733 Street, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., Arrah and the Ferns Saluda Avenue, Columbia. Hours: 9am-6pm; Sat., 9am-3pm & by appt. Feb 22 Wed.-Sat., 11:30am-5:30 pm or by Contact: 803/765-2405 or at The Physics of Meaning (www.lewisandclarklamps.com). The Teeth appt. Contact: 803/779-4242 March 3 Cameo Art Gallery, 805 Meeting St.,W. Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am- Lynne Burgess Studio, Five Points, The High Strung* 5pm & Sat. by appt. Contact: 803/796- 2065 Blossom St., # 204, corner of 6910 or e-mail at Blossom & Harden, Columbia. Hours: The Art Shack by appt. only. Contact: 803/748-9400. Gallery & Supplies, 2701-A Rosewood (cameoartgallery@bellsouth.net). Dr., Columbia. Ongoing - A great selecCameo Print Gallery, 807 Meeting McCrory Gallery 1276 Assembly st tion of outstanding original artworks by local Columbia area artists in all media St.,W. Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 400-1205 11am-7pm, tues, thurs, fri as well as a small selection of specialty 9am-5pm & Sat. by appt. Contact: art supplies. Art Classes available for all 803/796-6910 or e-mail at (cameoart- McMaster Gallery 1615 Senate St. 777-7408 ages through the Odyssey Art Center in gallery@bellsouth.net) 9am-4:30pm mon-fri: 1-4pm Sun. the back Studio. Hours: Tue.- Fri., *James Alexander: Installation. 10am-6pm & Sat., 10am-4pm. Contact: Carol Saunders Gallery, 922 Gervais January 16th-Feb 14. 803/799-9409 or at (www.artshackSt., Columbia. Hours: M-F, 10am5:30pm; Sat., 11am-5pm. Contact: Mouse House, Inc., 2123 Park St. (his- gallery.com). toric Elmwood Park), Columbia. 803/256-3046. Featuring original fibers and mixed- The Bus Stop Gallery, 2711 Millwood City Art, 1224 Lincoln Street, media artwork by Susan Lenz. Hours: Ave. (red brick house behind Midas) corColumbia. Main Gallery, Jan. 25 - Mar. Mon.-Fri., 9:30am-5pm; some Sat., ner of Millwood Ave. and Woodrow. 31 - Tarleton Blackwell: New Works, 10am-2pm. Contact: 803/254-0842 or * Jan. 25 - Feb. 4 - Winter Show. Hours: featuring a major exhibition by this e-mail at (mouse_house@prodigy.net). Mon.-Sat, 10am-6pm & Sun.,1-6 during South Carolina artist.. Hours: M-F, Nobles Fine Art Gallery, 3300 Forest the exhibit. Contact: Jan Swanson at or at 10am-6pm & Sat., 11-3pm. Contact: Drive, Columbia. African-American art, 803/360-6794 803/252-3613 or at originals, giclees, serigraphs, and litho- (www.busstopgallery.com). graphs. Also high quality African sculp(www.cityartonline.com) tures and handmade baskets. Hours: The Gallery at Nonnahs, 928 Gervais Tue.-Fri., 11am-6pm; & Sat., 10:30am- Street, Columbia. Hours: Lunch: M.-F., Columbia Museum of Art 5pm. Contact: 803-790-5892 or e-mail 11:30am-2pm; Evenings: M.-Th., 5Main and Hampton St 799-2810 at (Cnoble3300@netzero.net). 11pm; F., 5pm-12:30am; Sat., 6pmwww.columbiamuseum.org 12:30am. Contact: 803/779-9599. One Eared Cow Glass Gallery & Studio, The Great Frame Up, 252-M Harbison Charlton Hall Galleries, Inc. 1001 Huger St. Columbia. Handblown Blvd., Columbia . Specialists in custom Antique auction & fine art glass by Tommy Lockart & Mark framing. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am-7pm. 912 Gervais Street Woodham, including perfume bottles, Contact: 803/407-2156, e-mail at Columbia SC, 29201 803-779-5678 ornaments, vases, sculpture, bowls, (TGFUColumbia@bellsouth.net) or at Finleaf Gallery, 2323 Devine Street, and paperweights. Hours: Mon.-Fri., (www.columbiasc.thegreatframeup.co Columbia. Ongoing - Featuring original 8am-5pm & Sat., 10am-4pm. Contact: m). artwork by local and regional artists. 803/254-2444. The Hive Studio and Gallery, 3310 Hours: Tue.-Fri., 10am-5:30pm & Sat., 11am-3pm. Contact: 803/254-8327 or Paul D. Sloan Interiors, 929 Gervais Harrison Rd., across from Zesto just off Street, Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Fri., Forest Dr. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 1pm-6pm at (www.finleaf.com) 10am-6pm & Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact: and by appt. Contact: 803/467-4112 or at (home.sc.rr.com/hivestudio/). Gallery 80808, 808 Lady Street, 803/733-1704. Columbia. Hours: M-F by appt. or chance. Contact: 803/252-6134 or at Portfolio Art Gallery, Five Points, USC McKissick Museum 2007 Devine St., Columbia. Featuring Top of the Horseshoe (www.gallery80808vistastudios.com) the work of local, regional & national 777-7251 Havens Framemakers and Gallery, artists. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am-6pm. www.cla.sc.edu/mcks 1616 Gervais St., Columbia. Featuring Contact: 803/256-2434 or at (www.portVista Art & Frame, 1752 Airport Blvd., an extensive collection of handcarved folioartgal.com). Cayce. Hours: M.-Thur., 10am-6pm; museum quality frames. Art and frame restoration. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9:30am- Rita Smith Gallery, Richland Mall, Fri., 10am-4pm; & Sat., 10am-2pm. 6pm; Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact: Columbia. Hours: Mon.-Sat., 10am- Contact: 803/794-7252 or at (www.vis803/256-1616 or at (www.havens- 9pm & Sun., 12:30-6pm. Contact: taart.com). 803/790-0328. framemakersandgallery.com). Missing or want updated listing? Its HoFP, 2828 Devine Street, Columbia Southern Pottery Workcenter & Gallery, free e-mail lbrown@columbiacitypaOngoing - Featuring original works of 2771 Rosewood Dr., across from per.com art from around the world and around Publix. Featuring pottery works by Ken the corner. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 9am- Baskin, Donna Craven, Jeremy Davis, 5:30pm; Sat.,10am-5pm, & by appt.. Kim Ellington, Bruce Gholson, USC Womens Studies Features Contact: 803/799-7405, e-mail at Samantha Henneke, David Hooker, one week of Suzan-Lori Parks (info@hofpgallery.com) or at (www.hof- Rocky Lewycky, Peter Lenzo, Karen plays: Newgard, Mark Peters, Ron Philbeck, pgallery.com). Virginia Scotchie, Gay Smith, David I Pinckney Simons Gallery, 1012 Stempfle, Ben Truesdale and Mike Feb. 5th 8:00 p.m. Ed's Editions Gervais Street, Columbia. Vatalaro. Also - Offering adult and youth Feb. 6th 8:00 p.m. Jungle Jim's T * Jan. 5 - 31 - Stones, Bones, and pottery classes. Hours: Tue.-Fri., 11am- Feb. 8th 8:00 p.m. USC Booker T. Fibers: Excavating Civilizations of the 5pm & Sat., 10am-5pm. Contact Washington Bdg., Rm. 200 Mind, featuring a two-person exhibition 803/251-3001 or at (www.southernpot- .Feb. 10th 7:30 p.m. Red Tub of mixed media works by Janet tery.org). Feb. 11th 3:00 p.m. Guignard Park Kozachek and Susan Lenz. Hours: Tues.-Fri., 11am-5pm; Sat. 11am-3pm Richland County Public Library A Carolina Gallery, 3626 Bush River Rd, Columbia. Ongoing - morning, day and evening watercolor, drawing and collage classes. Call for times. Hours: Tue.-Fri., noon-6pm and by appt. Contact:803/798-3232 or 803/3190280, e-mail at (acarogal@bellsouth.net) or at (www.acarolinagallery.com).

ART Galleries

Dirty Dancing
Former ballet presidents latest smear, uh, ad campaign
Christmas for the Nutcracker, but were so busy doing it that we arent very good about letting Some in the arts community are people know what weve done. concerned that the Columbia City Weve got to be better about Ballet hasnt gotten a fair shake in that. the media recently. But, William In his recent Free Times Starrett, the executive and artistic interview, Pavlovich stressed the director of the ballet isnt terribly importance of bringing in worldconcerned. Hes more concerned class performers to raise the genwith putting on a good show. eral level of ballet in town. Recently, local advertising Before, I think much of the mogul Kevin Fisher wrote a colarts was basically civic-oriented umn for the Free Times, praising and local, and once we started City Councilman Kirkman Finlay bringing in top performers, I think for denying City Ballet $300,000 in peoples understanding has additional funding to help the perincreased, he said. formance group cover the shortfall But, importing permanent from the $1 million Off the Wall dancers from across the globe and Onto the Stage production, can be a drawn-out process. A lot Picture provided by Tammy, a first grade which celebrated the art of S.C. student and no t by Fisher Communications of companies in the United States painter Jonathan Green. Fisher bring foreign dancers over on viscalled the production a fools errand and decried the itor permits until their work visas can be processed. In ballet companys request to City Council as high the interim those foreign dancers are often illegally paid drama. under the table or not paid at all. Not to mention local In the long term, City Ballets Jonathan Green pro- dancers who also need work. Starrett wouldnt speculate duction may turn quite a profit. Now that the sets and on that part of Pavlovichs company. costumes have been created and having received Of his dancers, Starrett said, I try to keep a third decent reviews in the New York Times, the ballet was from South Carolina, a third from around the country and recently asked to perform Off the Wall in Florida. a third African American. Future tours could recoup the original overhead costs Classical Ballets Web site only shows one dancer completely. from Columbia, while the remainder hail from abroad. To many, the Free Times column seemed suspect. All that aside, Starrett is dumbfounded that City For one, Fisher is the former president of Columbia Ballet, which has been performing in Columbia since Classical Ballets board of directors. Second, his adver- 1961, recently saw its city funding cut by close to tising agency, Fisher Communications, handled the ad $10,000 while Classical Ballet, he says, got a raise in campaign for Classical Ballets recent Lifechance funding. fundraiser and bought expensive full-page ads in the Its unfortunate, he said, because at 90 shows a Free Times for that show shortly after his column ran. year, we perform more than any other performing arts Classical Ballets Artistic Director Radenko organization in our city at a 2,000 seat venue. Workshop Pavlovich also took a vague swipe at Columbia City Theater or Trustus Theater may put on more performBallet in a recent interview with Free Times restaurant ances than us, I dont know, but theyre only selling 200 reviewer, Ron Aiken, saying, ...since we started, I firm- tickets. Were trying to sell 2,000 tickets. The only arts ly believe the level of ballet here has gone up, been group in the state who might do more than us is the raised... If you have only one company in town, whether Charleston Symphony. its a ballet company or an electric and gas company, The sheer size of a City Ballet event is often measyou get into a rut and no one pushes themselves to ured by the full tables at nearby restaurants once the improve. shows let out. City Ballet doesnt blame the Free Times for what Yeah, Starrett said of the business his shows many perceive to be negative press and contends that bring to downtown restaurants, we offer patrons tables theyve always had a good relationship with the paper. in the lobby with restaurant menus and cell phones so Starrett also said that despite how it may appear in the you can make reservations. We have a huge commitmedia there is really no bad blood between the compa- ment to the restaurants. nies, only misperceptions from the public. As evinced by Should Fisher wish to take his family to dinner and Fishers column, City Ballet often gets out politicked. a ballet this weekend, City Ballet will be performing Were just busy trying to put on a top rate product Where the Wild Things Are at the Koger Center. and serve the community, Starrett said. We gave over Anyone with a Richland County Public Library card will $234,000 worth of childrens ticket vouchers at get 20 percent off the ticket price. BY TODD SERGEY MIZINTCHIKOV MOREHEAD

JANUARY 31, 2007

11

LOCAL LINGERIE SHOPS LUBED UP FOR

BY TODD MOREHEAD

TEACH AN OLD VALENTINES DAY DOG NEW TRICKS

While most retailers have tightened their belts to weather the annual post-Christmas sales slump, Columbias lingerie shops are titillated by the prospect of a bulging rise in Valentines Day sales figures. Nancys Nook was abuzz with preparations for the holiday rush and shops all over the midlands are bracing themselves to be jammed with customers. Everything sells, said Pat Irons, owner of Sugar n Spice in West Columbia. But her best selling items, she stated, are the staples: lingerie and lotions. Usually at Fantasy Lingerie on Garners Ferry Rd, the men are more interested in the videos and enhancements while the ladies stick to lingerie, says store manager Patrick Williams. But Valentines Day blows all that wide open. This time of year its always nice to see the guys thinking of the women before themselves, says Williams. And, when it comes right down to it, the guys are just as caring as the women are. That always makes me feel really good, he laughed, cause that means Im not the only whipped guy out there. Williams warned guys to be careful when shopping for lingerie for their honeys, though, and advises couples to shop together on occasion. Women are very specific about what they like and what they wear, he said. It kind of lessons the surprise, but at the same time the women feel a little more special because the guys are trying to involve them in the process. Sometimes you need more than just flowers and chocolates. And though love doesnt require batteries, this Valentines Day you may find that 30 bucks and a couple of Energizers might be just the energizer that your relationship needs. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

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12

JANUARY 31, 2007

Ted Rall
Republicans: we Americans have done things your way since 1981, when an actor named Reagan convinced us that we weren't entitled to anything from the government other than a canceled check for our taxes. We supported dictators against democratic movements. We started wars against tiny weak countries like Grenada and Panama and Afghanistan just because we could. Even when we had a Democratic president, he bought into Reagan Republicanism; Clinton cut rich people's taxes, signed NAFTA and got rid of social welfare programs. Twenty-six years into the NeoCon nightmare, everybody hates the United States. We're broke. Here's how screwed up we are: we can't even get out of a war that 91 percent of Americans are against. Republicans got us into this mess. I say: enough is enough. Three thousand dead soldiers and $2 trillion say it's time for anyone who ever argued in favor of invading Iraq to shut the eff up. Sell your laptop on eBay, Ms. Coulter. Use your ill-gotten gains to take some Middle Eastern history classes, Mr. Friedman. Step away from the golden EIB microphone, Mr. Limbaugh. Resign, Senators Clinton and McCain, and never show your faces in public again. Yeah, right. Since these pundits and politicians were and are so spectacularly wrong about such a straightforward and momentous issue as this idiotic war, no one should take them seriously again. Right-wingers deserve to be marginalized and ignored. The American left--the real, nonaccommodationist, non-Hillary, left--ought to define the mainstream from now on. Only the left, from Noam Chomsky on the left left to Howard Dean on the right left, have been consistently correct. Not to worry, we still have two legitimate political parties: Democrats and the Greens. The post-Iraq bankruptcy of the GOP thinkers came into sharp relief the other night in the form of Dinesh D'Souza's latest radio editorial, on NPR, of all venues. "Iraq," he began, "is not Vietnam. And here's why." I listened closely, for Stanford University's D'Souza is one of America's most--arguably the most--respected conservative thinkers. He has written several New York Times bestsellers. His speaking fees start at $10,000. D'Souza has done so well as a pundit that he lives in an exclusive gated community near San Diego. According to the San Diego Reader, his "nearly 8000-square-foot house has six bedrooms, seven and a half baths, and a four-car garage, where [he and his wife] keep their maroon 1992 Jaguar XJS." I thought I already knew why Iraq wasn't like Vietnam: we might have won in Vietnam. Since D'Souza is raking in a lot more pundit bucks than me, however, I paid close attention. "First, we had no vital interest in Vietnam," he said. "The United States got involved in Vietnam starting in the 1950s, due to an elaborate, but misguided theory of dominos. So if Vietnam went communist, the whole of Asia would become communist. Well, it didn't happen. But my larger point is that when Vietnam did fall to the communists, America's foreign policy interests and economic interests were largely unaffected." Fair enough. The Domino Theory was used to sell the war by political leaders, some of whom actually believed it. D'Souza continued: "Iraq, by contrast is strategically vital." How? My butt crept up to the edge of my seat. "Consider [Iraq's] neighbors: Iran. Turkey. Kuwait. Jordan. Syria. Saudi Arabia. If Iraq falls into the hands of the Islamic radicals, they would control two major countries: Iran and Iraq. Next we would expect them to target Egypt and Saudi Arabia." Huh? Call me a loser who couldn't afford to heat an 8,000-square-foot home, much less buy one, but isn't that--well--a Domino Theory? "Second, in Vietnam," D'Souza continued, "we were allied with the bad guys. The South Vietnamese government was corrupt and tyrannical, and our only reason for supporting it was that it was a better alternative to the communist regime in the North. In politics, it is often a necessity: you ally with the bad guys in order to avoid the worse guys. But the bad guys remain bad guys. They

editorial
PULITZER PRIZE FINALIST

IRAQ FIASCO EXPOSES FAITH-BASEDpeople and the popular resentREASONING Attention right-wing neoconservative alienate their

ment that they provoke often carries over to us." OK. I was with him again. We've repeatedly paid a high price for our partnerships with unsavory regimes--most recently on 9/11. "By contrast, in Iraq," D'Souza went on-"we are allied with an elected government. Braving bullets, the Iraqi people went to the polls and elected the current regime." Ahem. Iraq's government is so corrupt that it sells weapons we give it to fight insurgents on the black market, often to the insurgents themselves. Oh, and South Vietnam did hold presidential elections in 1967, a year before the Tet Offensive turned the American public against the war. Doesn't D'Souza know that? "We have a government that represents the will of the Iraqi majority. That's a good thing, because it means we have local allies in Iraq who have popular support." I'd had it. "Moron! Idiot!" I shouted at the radio. This was a succinct way of expressing what I was thinking, which was: Even if it's true that the current Iraqi regime has majority (i.e., Shiite) support--and it's doubtful--the problem is what it does with that electoral legitimacy. Prime Minister Maliki employs Iraqi police units that carry out ethnic cleansing operations against Sunni citizens. Shiite death squads employed by the Maliki government dump the bodies of dozens of Sunnis in the streets of Baghdad every day, some murdered by electric drills driven into their heads. Definitely not "a good thing." D'Souza's pleasant voice droned on. "Finally, in Vietnam, there was no way to win the war and preserve our dignity. The United States and Vietnam faced several hundred thousand resolute communists on the other side. These were guerilla fighters fighting on familiar territory against American boys who didn't know why the heck they were going over there...Vietnam was a no-win situation. Iraq is not." Sigh. The Pentagon itself estimates that at least 90 percent of Iraqi insurgents are locals fighting on their own turf. These guerillas are fighting American soldiers who've been fooled into thinking Saddam had something to do with 9/11. What's the difference? "America can win in Iraq...All the strength in the world is useless if you don't have the will to fight. We saw the same loss of will over the Vietnam War. But Vietnam was a lost cause. In Iraq, we are in danger of losing a war we can win." And...? That was it. Not one single line supporting his thesis that Iraq isn't another Vietnam; if anything, I am now more convinced than ever that the two quagmires have a lot in common. D'Souza wallows in the circular logic that has become the rhetorical currency of the right: The Domino Theory that led us into Vietnam was bogus but we have to stay in Iraq because of a New Domino Theory (but we won't call it that). Our South Vietnamese ally was unpopular but our Iraqi ally isn't (if you ignore the millions of Iraqi refugees voting with their feet). We couldn't win Vietnam but we can win in Iraq because, well, we just can. If this eye-rolling sophistry were a sloppy homework assignment turned in by a student in 10th grade debate, it would merit an "F" and a chuckle in the teachers' lounge. But these scattered ravings are the product of one of the brightest minds of our current political establishment, representative of thinking at the highest levels of government, and thus contribute to the deaths of thousands of people. It's frightening that conservatives continue to believe in economic and military theories that have been proven wrong again and again. What's downright terrifying is the way they think. They don't bother to present proof, evidence or even arguments to support their claims. They believe what they believe because they believe it. That's it. Q.E.D. I've been against the Iraq War since the beginning, yet I could compose a logical argument for staying the course. Why can't those who are for it do the same? And why is NPR--or any other media outlet--paying attention to these idiots' faith-based reasoning? talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

14

JANUARY 31, 2007

Dericspoils the movie MOVIETIMES

Because I Said So Synopsis: A sweet yet domineering mother is determined to find a husband for her youngest daughter. Prediction: You will NOT see this movie Because I said so. The Messengers Synopsis: A family moves into an old sunflower farm and their father begins acting strangely. Prediction: My father would act strangely as well if he knew I was a part of a movie this bad.

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OPENING IN WIDE RELEASE THIS WEEK:

NICKELODEON THEATRE 937 Main Street, 803.254.8234 Shut Up & Sing Rated R, 1 hr 39 min 7:00, 9:00

The Departed (R) 1:15 I 7:00

Messengers 1:00 I 1:30 I 3:10 I 3:40 I 5:20 I 5:50 I 7:30 I 8:00 I 9:40 I 10:10 COLUMBIANA GRANDE CINEMAS 1250 Bower Parkway (803) 407-9898 Babel Rated R, 2 hr 22 min (3:30), 6:45

REGAL CINEMA 7 COLUMBIA 3400 Forest Drive, Suite 3000. (800) 3263264 x347 Because I Said So (PG-13) 1:20 I 4:25 I 7:25 I 9:50 The MessengersNEW (PG-13) 1:45 I 4:20 I 7:30 I 9:45 Blood and ChocolateNEW (PG-13) 4:15 I 10:05 Epic MovieNEW (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:40 I 7:35 I 9:40 Stomp the Yard (PG-13) 1:40 I 4:30 I 7:20 I 9:55 Night at the Museum (PG) 1:15 I 4:10 I 7:15 I 10:00 Babel (R) 1:10 I 7:05 The Departed (R) 1:00 I 4:45 I 8:00 CARMIKE WYNNSONG 10 - COLUMBIA 5320 Forest Drive. (803) 782-7744 Catch & Release p13 1:45, 4:30, 7. 9:40 Children on Men R 1:40, 4:30, 7:15, 9:55 Code Name The Cleaner p13 10:00 Dreamgirls p13 1:00, 4, 7, 10 The Good Shepard 1:30, 5, 8:15 Happy Feet PG 1:20, 4:05, 7:40 The Hitcher 1:10, 3:15, 5:20, 7:25,9:35 Pursuit of Happyness pg13 1:30, 4:10, 7:05, 9:45 The Queen pg13 1:15, 4:20, 7:30, 10 Smokin Aces R 1:25, 4:20, 7:10, 9:50 We Are Marshall PG 1,4,7:10,9:50 CARMIKE CINEMAS 14 122 Afton Court.(803) 781-3067 Because I Said So (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:00 I 9:30 Constellation (PG-13) 1:45 I 4:30 I 7:15 I 9:45 Blood and Chocolate (PG-13) 1:30 I 4:15 I 7:15 I 9:55 Epic Movie (PG-13) 1:00 I 3:05 I 5:15 I 7:20 I 9:30 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 12:50 I 4:20 I 7:20 I 10:10 Alpha Dog (R) 7:10 I 9:40 Arthur and the Invisibles (PG) 1:45 I 4:40 Stomp the Yard (PG-13) 12:45 I 3:20 I 5:55 I 8:30 Happily N'Ever After (PG) 1:25 I 4:40 Night at the Museum (PG) 1:30 I 4:30 I 7:40 I 9:55 Rocky Balboa (PG) 4:45 I 10:00 Blood Diamond (R) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:00 The Holiday (PG-13) 7:00 I 9:50 Casino Royale (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:10 I 10:00

Dreamgirls Catch and Release Rated PG-13, 2 hr 4 min Rated PG-13, 2 hr 5 min (12:30), 4:00, 6:55, 10:00 (1:40), (4:20), 7:00, 9:40 Charlotte's Web Rated G, 1 hr 53 min (12:40) Children of Men Rated R, 1 hr 49 min (12:35), (5:10), 7:50, 10:35 Freedom Writers Rated PG-13, 2 hr 3 min (1:55), (4:45), 7:35, 10:20 Happy Feet Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min (12:55) Hitcher, The Rated R, 1 hr 30 min (12:45), (3:00), (5:25), 10:05 Indian Film Not Rated 7:30 Last King of Scotland, The Rated R, (1:15), (4:15), 7:15, 10:15 Letters From Iwo Jima Rated R, (12:50), (4:00), 8:10 Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) (1:45), (4:35), 7:20, 10:10 Pursuit of Happyness, The (2:00), (4:50), 7:40, 10:25 Queen, The (1:35), (4:10), 6:50 Smokin' Aces (2:40), (5:20), 7:55, 10:40 Volver (1:50), (4:30), 7:10, 9:55 We Are Marshall (3:45), 9:45 AMC DUTCH SQUARE 14 800 Bush River Rd., Columbia, SC,(803) 750-3576 Because I said So P13 11:50**., 2:20*, 2:40***, 5*,5:30***, 7:40*, 7:560***,10* Blood& Chocolate P13 11:20, 1:50, 2:30, 4:20, 5:10***, 7:10*, 8***, 9:30* Catch & Release P13 11:30***, 2*, 2:45***, 4:40*, 5:15***. 7:40*, 8:20***, 10:20 Departed R 1*, 2:15***, 4:10*, 5:30***, 7:20* Dreamgirls P13 11**, 1:50*, 2:50***, 4:45*, 5:40***, 7:45*, 8:45***, 10:30* Epic Movie P13 11:15**, 1:15*, 3***, 3:15*, 5***, 5:20*, 7:25*, 7:45***, 9:45* Freedom Writers P13 11**, 1:40*, 2:10***, 4:20*, 4:50***, 7*, 8:30***, 9:50* The Hitcher R 8:45***, 10:25* Epic Movie Rated PG-13, 1 hr 26 min (12:20), (2:30), 4:50, 7:40, 10:10 Night at the Museum Rated PG, 1 hr 48 min (11:30am), (2:00), 4:30, 7:10, 9:40 Pursuit of Happyness, The Rated PG-13, 1 hr 56 min (12:40), 4:10, 6:50, 9:30 Queen, The Rated PG-13, 1 hr 37 min Buy Tickets: 5:00, 7:30, 9:50 PHOENIX THEATERS COLUMBIA PLACE CINEMA 8 7201-802 Two Notch (803) 788-7664 REGAL SANDHILL STADIUM 16 450 Town Center Place(803) 736-1811 Because I Said So (PG-13) 11:50am I 2:15 I 5:00 I 7:30 I 10:10 Constellation (PG-13) 11:40am I 2:10 I 4:40 I 7:10 I 10:00 The MessengersNEW (PG-13) 12:20 I 2:50 I 5:15 I 7:40 I 10:20 Blood and ChocolateNEW (PG-13) 12:15 I 2:45 I 8:00 Catch and Release (PG-13) 11:30am I 2:05 I 4:40 I 7:15 I 9:55 Epic Movie (PG-13) 12:10 I 2:35 I 4:45 I 7:50 I 10:10 Smokin' Aces (R) 11:45am I 2:25 I 5:00 I 7:35 I 10:15 Dreamgirls (PG-13) 1:00 I 4:00 I 7:00 I 10:05 The Hitcher (R) 5:10 I 10:20 Stomp the Yard (PG-13) 12:00 I 2:40 I 4:20 I 5:15 I 7:55 I 10:00 I 10:30 12:30 I 7:25 Freedom Writers (PG-13) 12:40 I 6:45 Pan's Labyrinth (R) 12:50 I 4:10 I 6:50 I 9:45 Notes on a Scandal (R) 12:00 I 2:30 I 4:50 I 7:20 I 9:50 Night at the Museum (PG) 11:35am I 2:05 I 4:35 I 7:05 I 9:40 The Pursuit of Happyness (PG-13) 11:40am I 2:20 I 5:05 I 7:45 I 10:25

ALSO PLAYING THIS WEEK:

Alpha Dog Synopsis: Justin Timberlakes big screen debut as a drug dealer who kidnaps a 15-year-old boy. Verdict: The fact that its still in theaters bodes well for young Justins budding acting career. Blood and Chocolate X Synopsis: Werewolves fall in love too! Verdict: Yes, this is actually a movie. You can resume laughing now. Catch and Release X Synopsis: Jennifer Garner in the feel good event of the year! Verdict: The best movie ever... If youre 12 and stuff your bra. Children of Men Synopsis: Clive Owen in a bleak future where mankind is infertile. Verdict: Solid, yet the open ending leaves you desiring more. Dreamgirls X Synopsis: Beyonce, Jamie Foxx, and Eddie Murphyand the music biz. Verdict: Ugghh what are the Oscar nominations coming to? Despicable. Epic Movie X Synopsis: A new movie lampooning all the hits of the recent year. Verdict: Thisissolame. NEXT! Freedom Writers X Synopsis: Hillary Swank in modern version of Stand and Deliver. Verdict: Hey, did you know Hillary Swank starred in The Next Karate Kid? She did! The Hitcher X Synopsis: A serial killer blames his attacks on a young man he constantly torments. Verdict: Yet another horrible remake of a decent classic movie. Night at the Museum X Synopsis: The Museum of Natural History comes to life at night time! Verdict: Half of Americas youth now know the meaning of the word Museum. Sad. The Pursuit of Happyness Synopsis: A homeless single father becomes a successful stock broker. Verdict: Makes you feel old to see Will Smith all grown upsniff. The Queen X Synopsis: Britains Royal Family after 1997s death of Princess Diana. Verdict: Stop making movies about the Royal Family, no one cares. Smokin Aces X Synopsis: An eclectic group of hitmen race to rub out a mob informer. Verdict: Not so muchalthough better for Affleck than some of his recent flops. Stomp the Yard X Synopsis: A troubled dancer learns the meaning of brotherhood by joining a fraternity. Verdict: Why see this movie when you can see a step show right here? Classic Movie Spoiler: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) Synopsis: Sacha Baron Cohen brings his character Borat from the series Da Ali G Show to the big screen. Spoiler: People believe that Borat is a real person! Hysterical!

BY DERIC KEMPSELL Enchantment abounds for those who enjoy subtitles

PANS LABYRINTH (2006)

Pans Labyrinth is the latest offering from director Guillermo de Toro, and represents his finest work yet. Set in Franco-era Spain, the film begins with young Ofelia and her pregnant mother en route to the safety of the countryside under the care of her stepfather Captain Vidal, a brutal military fascist. On the way an interesting bug follows Ofelia and her mother, to enter their shared bedroom the first evening of their arrival. The bug transforms into a hideous, yet well-intentioned fairy, that leads Ofelia into an ancient Labyrinth that lies behind the camp. Once inside Ofelia is introduced to a faun who informs her that she is the reincarnation of the daughter of the Underworld King, and that to return to her kingdom she must complete three tasks. The first is to crawl under an ancient tree and feed three stones to an enormous toad and remove a key from its belly. The second is to retrieve a magical blade from the dwelling of a grotesque, child-eating pale man. Third, she must spill a few drops of the blood of her innocent brother to reopen the gates to the kingdom. Completing these tasks creates problems for Ofelia in her normal life as the first results in her missing an important dinner with her family and ruining her new clothes. Furthermore, her mother is having complications with her pregnancy, delaying the time in which Ofelia can complete her tasks. Lastly, stealing her brother away from her stepfather becomes difficult when he realizes that Ofelia knew her nanny was aiding the rebels in the forest he seeks to destroy. Luckily the faun has given Ofelia a magical piece of chalk that when used, can open a portal through any wall to the location desired. As Ofelias personal and magical quest climaxes, so does the battle between Captain Vidals men and the rebels in the forest, and Ofelia runs off to the Labyrinth with her younger brother, her critically injured stepfather in pursuit. Once in the Labyrinth, Ofelia refuses to injure her little brother to open the portal, and in turn is caught by her stepfather who shoots her. Vidal is killed by the rebels, and Ofelias blood drips into the Labyrinth, opening the portal and returning her to her kingdom, passing the third test by rather losing her life in place of the innocent child. There exists some ambiguity in the film as to whether the fantasy is real or not, but there are a few clues that will lead you to the correct conclusion if you are a capable viewer. (What, I didnt spoil this?) The visuals in Pans Labyrinth are fantastic and Sergi Lopez dominates the film as the best villain seen in ages. Brilliantly cast, the film plays the surreal fantasy as a welcome escape to the brutal reality of the time. Pans Labyrinth is by far the best film in theaters right now so dont miss this opportunity to see it.
Pans Labyrinth (2006) starring Maribel Verdu, Ivana Baquero, Sergi Lopez (II), Ariadna Gil and Alex Angulo is directed by Guillermo del Toro and rated R for graphic violence and some language.

The Messengers P13 11:45**, 2:15*, 3:10***, The Departed (R) 4:30*, 5:45***, 7*, 8:30***, 9:15* 3:30 I 9:35 Night At The Museum PG 11:10**, 2*, 2:30***, 4:40*, 5:15***, 7:15*, 7:40***, 9:50* The Queen (PG-13) 11:30am I 2:00 I 4:30 I 6:55 I 9:30

Pans Labyrinth R 11:40**, 2:30*, 3***, 5:120*, ST. ANDREWS ROAD MULTI CINEMAS 527 St. Andrews Road 772-7469 5:40***, 8*, 8:40***, 10:30* Pursuit of Happyness P13 11:20**, 2:15*, 2:20***, 4:50*, 5***, 7:30*, 8:10***, 10:10* Borat R 4:40, 9:30 Deja Vu P13 2:15, 7:05 Smokin Aces R 11:30**, 2:45*, 2:50***, 5:15*, Eragon PG 2:05, 4:10, 7:30, 9:25 5:20***, 7:50*, 8:15***, 10:15* Lushed Away PG 2:30, 4:25, 7:10, 9 Stomp the Yard P13 12:45*, 2***, 3:20*, 4:30***, 6*, 7:20***, 9* #Not accepting movie passes * Fri&Sun only The Holiday P13 2, 4:30, 7, 9:20 **Sat & Sun only ***Mon-thurs only Open Season PG 2:10, 4, 7:20, 9:10 JANUARY 31, 2007

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WEDNESDAY JAN. 31 New Brookland Tavern xBISHOPx, Barriers Now Brides, Charge The Mound, Deathblow This Day Is Ours. 6:30 p.m. $10 All ages. Hardcore. Art Bar Mr. Bs Goodtime Karaoke Explosion THURSDAY FEB. 1 New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Madison Fair, Dignan, The Explorers Club, Ours To alibi, White Rose Revival FRIDAY FEB. 2 Hunter Gatherer Lochness Johnny Jammin Java Bring your own City Paper Art Bar iPop with DJ Adolphson Macs on Main Fatback & the Groove Band New Brookland Tavern 5 p.m. Because Of This, Fair Street, Blood Libel, Restless Oblivion New Brookland Tavern 9 p.m. The Independents Johnny Fever and the Frantics Steve Hit Mike SATURDAY FEB. 3 Art Bar Why Johhny Kills, Cogburn, The Unawares Jammin Java Paul Austin. Solo acoustic/folk Macs on Main Open jam session 8 p.m.

New Brookland Tavern 5 p.m. The Decade (CD release party) Maladriot, Hello Tomorrow, Little League Allstars. Punk/ska/rock New Brookland Tavern 9 p.m. The Noise, Yukos The Crude SUNDAY FEB. 4 New Brookland Tavern 7p.m. Purified by Fire, Five Ways To Friday, Dr. Harry Woo, A Rough Sketch, The Breaking Ascent MONDAY FEB. 5 Turn off your cell phone, unplug your computer, put away your iPod, skip class, go out and live. TUESDAY FEB. 6 CJS 9:30 p.m. Karaoke New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Nick Moak, Brett Treacy, hanah Miller, Nate Miller, Tim McManus, Jon Sontag WEDNESDAY FEB. 7 Art bar Mr. Bs Goodtime Karaoke McCarys Karaoke New Brookland Tavern 7:30 p.m. Shallow Palace, Aposable Scum THURSDAY FEB. 8 The Colonial Center John Mayer, Soulive New Brookland Tavern 8 p.m.. The Dirty Lowdown Wild Wing Cafe Live music with Tokyo Joe

FRIDAY FEB. 9 Univ. of South Carolina Cherish the Ladies The Colonial Center Rascal Flatts, Jason Aldean Headliners Machine Funk "A Tribute to Widespread Panic"w/ Fossil Record Hunter Gatherer Damn The Sun New Brookland Tavern 5 p.m. Brother Sister, Hundred Year Storm, Between The Trees, Campbell. New Brookland Tavern 9 p.m. Gods of Mars, Never Better. Wicked Jones, Crash Cadillac. SATURDAY FEB. 10 Art Bar Crooners and Swooners Valentines Jazz Show Headliners 9 p.m. Dirty Dozen, Brass band, The Progression New Brookland Tavern 4:30 p.m. Kennedy Curse, The Skuds, Sick Sick Sick, Bathory Boys, A-priori 9 p.m. MiKen Pike (tentative). SUNDAY FEB. 11 New Brookland Tavern 6 p.m.. From Graves of Valor, Ghosts of a Fallen Age, Diemona, The Herat Massacre, Because of This MONDAY FEB. 12 Stay home and read a book. TUESDAY FEB. 13 CJS 9:30 p.m. Karaoke

State Street Live acoustic night New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Woodale, Winston Audio, All get Out WEDNESDAY FEB. 14 New Brookland Tavern 7 p.m. Daniel Machado (Guitar Show), A Coat for Joe, Marian Carter The Colonial Center Billy Joel

Art Bar 1211 Park St. 803.929.0198 CJs 749 Saluda Ave. Delaneys 741 Saluda Ave. 803.779.2345 Headliners 700 Gervais St. 803.796.2333 Hunter Gatherer 900 Main St. 803.748.0540 Jillians 800 Gervais St.803.779.7789 Macs on Main 1710 Main St. New Brookland Tavern 122 State St. 803.791.4413

ROADTRIP
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
Thursday, January 18 - Cumberlands Agent Orange Saturday, January 20 - Cumberlands The Loved Ones, Zolof the Rock n Roll Destroyer Friday, January 26 - Music Farm The Lemonheads

Tremont Music Hall

CARRBORO, NORTH CAROLINA

Tuesday Feb. 6 - Cat's Cradle The Rosebuds, Yo La Tengo Thursday Feb. 8 - Cat's Cradle Squirrel Nut Zippers Wednesday - Feb. 14 - Cat's Cradle The Epitaph Tour

NEWBERRY, SOUTH CAROLINA

Friday Feb. 2 - Newberry Opera House Arlo Guthri Saturday Feb. 3 - Newberry Opera House The Lettermen Monday Feb. 5 - Newberry Opera House Steve March Torm

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA

Wednesday Jan. 31 - The Brewery Terror, War of Ages, Codetalkers, The Sammies Friday Feb. 2 - Kings The Mountain Goats Friday Feb. 2 - The Pour House Music Hall The Hackensaw Boys

Friday Feb. 9 - The EARL Tiger Tiger Friday Fweb. 9 - Variety Playhouse Donna The Buffalo Saturday Feb. 10 - Star Community Bar The Queers Tuesday Feb. 13 - The EARL Koufax Tuesday Feb. 13 - The Masquerade Amber Pacific, Paulson, The Matches, The Higher, I am the Ghost, Escape The fate, Daphne Loves Derby,dave Mellilo

ATHENS, GEORGIA
Wednesday Jan. 31 - 40 Watt Club Mastodon Monday Feb. 5 - 40 Watt Club Cross Canadian Ragweed Friday Feb. 9 - Georgia Theatre Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band Wednesday Feb. 14 - Georgia Theatre The Wailers

SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA

Friday, January 19 - Ground Zero Agent Orange, JT & the Blame, God Help Us, Liberty's Revenge , Wasted Rebellion Friday, February 2 - Ground Zero Terror, Warriors, All Shall Perish, Stick to your Gun, War of Wages, Bite The Curb

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA

Tuesday Feb. 6 - Tremont Music Hall A Static Lullaby, Emery, Kaddisfly, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Big Head Todd & The Monsters Thursday Feb. 8 Bonerama Visulite Theatre Monday Feb. 12 God Forbid

ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Tuesday Feb. 6 - The Masquerade As Blood Runs Black, Sworn Enemy, Soda Jerk

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JANUARY 31, 2007

Modest Mouse sets sail for

nautical balalaika carnival romp

Jam Room
Full Day of Recording + 100CDs $565.00

Recording Studio

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT NOTES

PAPER THIN WALLS Indie-turned-mainstream darlings Modest Mouse will return to the record store end cap displays on March 20 with their follow up to Good News For People Who Love Bad News. We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank is described by singer Isaac Brock as a "nautical balalaika carnival romp." The new release will be the first since the addition of The Smith's Johnny Marr. The first single Dashboard frolicks with traditional Modest Mouse flavor and can be heard on their MySpace page.

BY SEAN RAYFORD

it's going to be a nasty scene? The former bass player for Social Distortion (he also played in Agent Orange) was killed on Jan. 18 when a truck struck the punk rocker who was riding his bicycle in Placentia, CA.

SPEAKERS STOP PUSHING AIR It's going to be one last hurrah for Seattle's Pretty Girls Make Graves after recently announcing their plans for one final tour. The band explained that the departure of drummer Nick Dewitt was a driving force behind their decision to hang up their hats. SKA SUCKS The band posted the following message on their Todd the Rod Kowalski of Propagandhi is farting Web site. "We are sorry to announce that our upcoming out new songs for the band's first new material in two tour in May will be our last. Nick quit the band and the years. The band has officially began the writing process rest of us feel like it wouldn't be right to continue on and Chris Hannah promises, a SEVERE bludgeoning without him. The five of us feel very lucky to have met on our next record. and worked with some truly amazing people over the years. Thank you all so much..."Complete details on the Rotten Apples tour are not yet finalized. The Smashing Pumpkins will return to the stage for the first time in over six years. The Pumpkins will be SUCK A CHEETAHS DICK FALL OUT BOY playing Germany's Rock am Ring and Rock im Park Fall Out Boy continues to cement their status as festivals on June 1 and June 2. being the greatest band on the planet following an Internet leak of their new album Infinity on High . This VERMONT ROCKS! could be the worst leak in the history in music, if you Page McConnell, best known as the keyboardist think that every year computers, iPod, Internet music for Phish has recently inked a solo deal with Legacy grows exponentially and we're probably one of the Recordings for the release of McConnell's solo debut biggest bands in rock music on the Internet, says due out April 17. Trey Anastasio, Mike Gordon and Jim bassist Pete Wentz. Of course this is the same dude Keltner. McConnell had been working on the solo proj- who after a suicide attempt in 2005 told Rolling Stone, ect for over two years. I'm not making an argument for being a disturbed genius; I was a confused kid. In addition Wentz has THE COACHELLA BUZZ enjoyed notoriety for his nudie photos on the informaIn August of 1997, on my final night living in tion superhighway. Their new record offially hits shelves Maryland before my career at USC, I visited Columbia, on Feb. 6. MD, dished out a 20 dollar bill and spent the evening releasing all my teenage high school angst watching THE POPO WELCOME AT THE GRAMMYS Rage Against the Machine play live. Tom, Zack and the The Police have confirmed their appearance at boys will reunite for one show only April 19 at the the 49th Annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles on Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in California. Feb. 11. The latest announcement continues to fuel Crowded House will also be reuniting after playing their speculations the the trio will be able to get along for last show on the steps of the Sydney Opera House in enough time to partake in a European and American front of a crowd in excess of 120,000. The band plans tour. a full reunion tour and will release a new record, Time on Earth, this Spring. HOW COULD HIP-HOP BE DEAD IF WU-TANG IS FOREVER? Other notable performances at the festival this Legendary hip-hop super group Wu-Tang Clan year include The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bjork, The has completed work on a new album and announced Arcade Fire, Travis, Against Me!, Placebo, Willie plans to release the record, 8 Diagram sometime this Nelson, The Happy Mondays and Interpol. summer. It will be the first release from the clan since the death of Ol Dirty Bastard in 2004. BAD DRIVERS ALSO IN CALIFORNIA When the hell will people learn to drive? And when talkback@columbiacitypaper.com will they learn that if they run their SUV over a bicyclist

803.787.6908 jamroomstudio.com

JANUARY 31, 2007

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JANUARY 31, 2007

NEW JERSEYS SENSES FAIL SPREADING SCREAMO STORIES

STORY AND PHOTOGRAPHY BY SEAN RAYFORD Kids these days are enamored with Senses Fail. The Ridgefield, New Jersey quintet has sold over one million records, has over 417,000 friends on MySpace and their fans are sometimes looney. Singer Buddy Nielsen learned this years ago. People just came by my house. I was on tour but my mom told me about it. I was weirded and I'm really glad I wasn't there because I would have gotten pretty f---ing pissed. I would have been, get the f--k out of here. Go away. Don't come to my house ever again, he said when asked about an incident when two adoring fans discovered his address and decided to make an unannounced visit. I remember several years ago when fans in the back parking lot of the New Brookland Tavern attempted to pay members of the band to punch them in the faces. I guess thats what you do these days when you really like a band. In 2002 the original release of their debut EP From the Depths of Dreams sold only 1,000 copies but after being released a year later DriveThru Records rereleased the EP and it went on to sell more than 250,000 copies. It's weird but [the popularity] becomes normal because it didn't happen overnight. So it wasn't like one day we're playing basements and the next day we were headlining bigger rooms, says Nielsen. It was a gradual progression so it wasn't drastic and it doesn't seem strange but when you do look back on it you're like, 'wowwe've come a long way. In October of last year, Senses Fails latest offering Still Searching debuted on the Billboard album charts in the top 15, an impressive feat for a screamo band without a major push in commercial radio. Starting off playing small places in New Jersey and then being able to go to Australia and to have people know you-- it's crazy, says Nielsen. When the Jersey boys visited Columbia in January they filled Headliners Music Hall to its 750 person capacity and kids waited for hours in a line that stretched from the club to Gervais Street. People can relate to our band. I think we write good music. A lot of bands write good music, but I think there is something else about our band. I don't know what it is, but I think people can identify with and share a relationship with the lyrics and especially on the new record, he says. Nielsen is committed to connecting with his

audience. People can relate to our band. I think we write good music, he says. A lot of bands write good music, but I think there is something else about our band. I don't know what it is, but I think people can identify with and share a relationship with the lyrics and especially on the new record. They can understand where I'm coming from and they feel like I'm talking to them and I am. I feel like there is more of a relationship with our fans than other bands. For the bands latest record Still Searching, Senses Fail hooked up with producer Brian McTernan, also referred to as The Man within the industry. They made the short trek to Bearsville Studios located a mile from Woodstock, New York. The secluded and rumored haunted environment provided them with right atmosphere to make the next step in their career. I just think it was a good vibe. We got it done so quick and things came out really good and it was a great period in my life, says Nielsen. We just wanted to get away from everything and just focus on the record. talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Music REVIEW

SILVERSTAR PICKUPS JULY 25, 2006 DANGERBIRD RECORDS

It is a great wrong to make promises with a catchy radio hit when it is the best song on the CD by far. It's like meeting a girl for the first time at a bar and she's all over you then you take her out on a date and things couldn't move any slower. Not that I am particularly fond of licentious women but there's something to be said for continuity. When you break a social contract it's nigh impossible to regain that confidence. Ah, but what a good radio hit it is. Lazy Eye is the epitome of successful indie rock manic depression. It's a sentimental contagion that rises to the boiling point with a vessel-popping yell. A sound I mistook at first for Blake Schwarzenbach, and I had to check the XM screen to make sure it wasn't The Jealous Sound. It's just a shame the emo-

tion from this song didn't ooze over the edges and seep into the other songs. Lazy Eye is a sugar crystal in the middle of a take-no-chances album of melodic saferock. The remainder of Carnavas is just like the album artwork; polished spheres with no chance of snagging an elbow on an angle or sharp edge. The fuzzed-out guitars and cosmic keyboards make for one dreary bus ride to the restaurant at the end of the galaxy. Then, as if my hopes weren't sufficiently dashed, I discovered their name wasn't an obscure vintage guitar pickups reference at all. Silversun Pickups is an homage to a Sunset/Silverlake liquor store in their Los Angeles hometown. Boo sir, boo. -DEWBERRY MILLS

JANUARY 31, 2007

19

ARIES
You will technically score with the hottie from human resources on Valentines night but like a big time corporate Super Bowl sponsor, you will spend a ton of money for an ineffective 30-second spot.

TAURUS
You have a stain on your soul that only industrial strength bleach could remove and-- NO! Dont drink it, you schmuck!-- It was a figure of speech. I was just gonna suggest some Deepak Chopra CDs.

GEMINI
You never seem to catch the first two thirds of news ticker messages that scroll across the bottom of your TV screen. This will be of particular concern next week when you read: ...previously listed counties on alert for roving battalions of attack robots.

CANCER
Well, Cancer, weve got quite a few Republican presidential campaigns starting to stretch their legs for 08 and Ive gotta say... what a pack of misfits! Gingrich? He needs to stick to writing bad Civil War novels. (Between you and me, Ive still got my fingers crossed for a Gary Coleman/Ric Flair ticket.)

LEO
Takeafewmoreesspressoshotstow ashdownthathandfulofnodoze! Isthatyouclickingyourjaw,man?! God,myteethareitchy!

VIRGO
Since upper management wont do it, write glowing, congratulatory notes to yourself on expensive greeting cards. Displaying them on the outside wall of your cubicle will not only boost your morale, but will also keep other coworkers from pestering you as they will believe you to be bat shit insane.

LIBRA
Skeeeedely-deeedely-boodalydoodaly-wop-wop-boppa-debob, yeaah! Think scat singing is annoying enough to claw out your own eardrums? Wait till you meet your bunkmate at the Buddhist retreat.

SCORPIO
While cleaning your grill in the backyard, use plenty of foam oven cleaner, a stout wire brush and a high-powered water hose. You might want to start flossing between meals, too.

SAGITTARIUS
BrOAdcast JOURnalism school will RUIn your SEX life, due to the roBOtic mANerisms, wEIRD VOcal cAdence, and pANTs suits THAT conTINually bOTCH aNY AttEMPT AT seDUCTive foreplay. ...SOURces CLOSE to the SCENE allege that YOU mIGHt like a humMER?

CAPRICORN
Your back will ache from being hunched over in cramped quarters, legs quivering from the strain, your chapped hands scratching along at your tedious work in the intense heat while you weep to yourself for a break that will never come. Huh? Oh, no thats not from Oliver Twist. I was just describing your future working conditions in some of the Five Points bars.

AQUARIUS
You know, Aquarius, if I were a superhero Id want my power to simply be unwavering patience. Nothing fancy. ...And maybe the ability to shoot laser beams out of my fingertips like Jesus. I mean his were more metaphorical lasers but they still kicked ass. Oh, and an invisible ship. The State House dome would open up to launch my ship and I could fly out on secret missions. Now that would be cool.

PISCES
On your upcoming Valentines Day date, be sure to wear your hottest lingerie under your dress. That way youll look sexier when the EMTs have to administer the defibrillator on the floor of the restaurant. Try chewing your crab cakes next time.

Jonesin Crosswords
Across 1 Rapper who did the 1998 album "Rhythm-al-ism" 7 It's played in front of your fans 15 "Sin City" actor Mickey 16 Schubert song played at weddings 17 Chuck in the air 18 Close-up tool 19 Actress and 1960s pinup Sommer 20 Diamond stat 22 Material for some tables 23 Caviar, e.g. 24 They waken city dwellers 26 Fill up 27 IRS procedure 29 Suffix with Sudan 30 Sun. speech 31 They can't get away from each other 36 Charlie Sheen's real last name 37 Transfers via post 41 Worked wearing pajamas, maybe 43 Abbr. after a phone number 46 Beastie Boys song "Time to Get ___" 47 Coke or Pepsi 48 Effort 50 Sometime down the road 52 Words said a lot by Rocky Balboa 20 53 Instruments used by the 28 Buddy Guy's "First Time band Apocalyptica ___ the Blues" 55 Remains of a blaze 32 Stuff in a French shaker 56 "Tell ___ secrets..." 33 Alternative to "yes," some57 Bill Clinton, by birth times 59 Like vinegar 34 Acronym used to protest 61 Esteem nearby landfills 62 Sign of owing 35 Talk sloppily after a few 63 Like big grins drinks 64 Activities 38 Didn't hit the town 39 Joining together, in woodDown working projects 1 Type of markers for white- 40 Singles at the laundromat boards 42 Part of a night crew 2 "The Brown Bomber" 43 Getaway 3 Showed fear toward 44 Nissan SUV model 4 Impulse 45 Blabbermouth 5 "South Park" kid whose head 49 Fun time is drawn in two unconnected 50 "Evening Shade" narrator pieces Davis 6 Gymnast Strug 51 "___ Day's Night" 7 Least clear, as a sky 54 Aware of 8 Prefix meaning egg 56 Early type of music file 9 Shelter sounds 58 Title for a Khan 10 "Harry Potter" actress 60 Business ldr. Watson 11 Causes vexation 2007 Jonesin' Crosswords 12 NBA venues, or NBA star (editor@jonesincrosswords.co Gilbert m) 13 Wee For answers to this puzzle, call: 14 Holiday when Peeps are 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per sold minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill 21 Enter casually toyour credit card, call: 1-80024 Comedian Harvey 655-6548. Reference puzzle 25 What innovators "cast" #0294.

"GRID MAGIC" Wild words all over BY MATT JONES

JANUARY 31, 2007

ACROSS 1 Family 5 Winter neckwear 10 Conclusions 14 Harvard rival 15 ___ Slobbovia (remote locale) 16 Vista 17 Store safely 18 Cockamamie 19 Ancient Peruvian 20 Start of a quote by Bertrand Russell relevant to crossword solvers 23 Roy Orbisons ___ the Lonely 24 Rots 25 How to divide things to be fair 28 Revolutionary pamphleteer Thomas 30 Supersmart grp.

Atmosphere Back talk Ltd. Middle of the quote 40 Chairman with a Little Red Book 41 In ___ of (standing in for) 43 Actor Tim of WKRP in Cincinnati 44 Adhesive 46 Pie nut 48 Quenches 49 Simoleons 52 Swizzle 53 Conclusion of the quote 59 Mission-to-Mars org. 60 Cognizant 61 One with adoring fans 62 Squeezed (out) 63 Hayseed
31 32 36 37

64 Capone fighter 65 Cry from

Edited by Will Shortz

1 14 17 20 23 25 30 36 41 42 46 49 53 59 62 65 60 63 66 50 51 54 55 61 64 67 47 52 37 38 43 48 26 27 31 39 44 45 28 29 32 21 24 2 3 4 5 15 18 22 6 7 8 9 10 16 19

No. 1127
11 12 13

Eliot ___

Charlie Brown 66 Pivots 67 Way to get out of a field

DOWN 1 Anatomical sac 2 Strip of wood in homebuilding 3 ___ vera 4 Eponymous units of force 5 By a narrow margin 6 Brooklyns ___ Island 7 Not at home 8 Gambling mecca 9 Revealing kind of slip 10 Demonstrates clearly 11 Old Japanese assassin 12 Wooden duck, say 13 Persuades 21 Member of an extended family 22 Poetic time after dusk 25 Disneys ___ and the Detectives 26 ___, vidi, vici (Caesars boast) 27 Suffix with differ 28 Vladimir of the Kremlin 29 Like most of west Texas

SavageLove
SEX ADVICE COLUMN
BY DAN SAVAGE
I haveonce againstupidly auctioned off the right to give advice in this space. Every once in a while some dogooder gets me shitfaced and the next thing I know Im raising money for some dumbass charity. (This weeks column is feeding the homelessyou know, in addition to clothing them.) Auctioning off the column is a risky business because what if the winning bidders are assholes? What if they spew bullshit? What if they cruelly abuse readers seeking my counsel? And what if theyre better at all of that than I am? Meet the winning bidders: Steve Lippman and his lovely wife, Marla Russo. Steve is a 37-year-old Jewish dude who does advocacy work for a socially responsible investment firm that Im not allowed to name in my skeezy advice column. Marla works in public health and was raised Catholic. For the sake of my own job security, gentle readers, Im hoping Steve and Marla totally suck. stars or Lindsay Lohan. But there are real women on Craigslist. Some of them post for NSA sex in the Casual Encounters section, and many more post in other categories, like Women Seeking Men, Women Seeking Women, and Missed Connections. I know this because five years ago I met my own too good to be true wife by answering her Craigslist ad (which I want my in-laws to know was NOT a posting for NSA sex). MARLA: SA sex is fun, too. DAN: Okay, that wasnt too badalthough it would be nice if Marla would shut the f--k up and let Steve get a word in edgewise. But Steve and Marla werent nearly abusive enough to DBF, who comes across like a total douche. A true advice professional would call attention to DBFs total douchebaggery. Grade: B-. Im sure youve answered a question like this before or have refused to answer on principle, but where can you find down-to-earth, laid-back gay men? Im trying to avoid the online-dating thing because its not really romantic, but trying to meet guys in a large room with a remix of a remix bouncing in the background isnt working either. Little Or No Effort STEVE: In less than five minutes of Internet searching, I found the Steel City Skiers, a group for gay skiers and snowboarders in Pittsburgh; Gapers Block, a Chicago book club for gays and lesbians who read books about the Windy City or by authors from that area; Bottom Dwellers, a gay-and-lesbian scuba-diving club in Seattle; and OUTdoors KC, a gay-inclusive club for those interested in biking, hiking, walking, camping, and other outdoor recreational activities in Kansas City. Point is, even if you dont like online personals, with little or no effort you are only a few clicks away from finding a group of gay men who live near you and like whatever scene you do. MARLA: Nice job, Steve. DAN: Blah blah, Marla! Let the man talk! But Steve really pounds his point homeand even works LONEs sign-off into his response. B+. mail@savagelove.net

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ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE

B A T H T U B R A T A T A T I N H O U S E A N I M A T O S T E E L E D M O N I K E R H O P S E S U P T H R I A E R L R A A S L S H E E H A S D O N E U K D T T R O R E E M Y W I N T O S I O N L O N G T I M E A G O B A L B O A B A R C A R T S A L I E N M S U I N D R A P T I S T U N S E R S G O N E S T E M T Y C O N E P A L O R E S O O N N A L O A S T A N D E M E R O P D A F O R I T I R E M E D E Y E S

I hope you post this note as a warning. I recommend that everybody stay away from Craigslist. When I started looking at the personals on Craigslist, I was fascinated (there are some freaks out there), but I was also looking for pictures with Puzzle by Marlon R. Howell bare female flesh. After I exhausted the pages for cities in the 31 Between ports 42 Transfers files 51 Beginning U.S., I started looking at ads posted in other countries. Thats to a computer, 33 One way to run 52 Spread, as seed when I noticed that the same hot babe in Finland posted the maybe same picture in six different U.S. states and four different 34 ___-Coburg 54 Dicey G.I. (part of historic 45 Its such sweet countries. status sorrow Germany) She wasnt the only one posting the same ad in many 55 Drink with sushi 47 Have supper different places. When I realized that all these offers for NSA 35 High-protein 56 Notion beans 48 Braces (oneself) sex were scams, I lost interest in even looking at the pictures. 57 Maximum Your readers should know that hot anonymous sex is unlikely 38 Sites for grand 49 Worker with a entrances light and a pick 58 or ___! to occurat least through Craigslistand focus their efforts elsewhere. 39 Icy cold 50 Japanese port (threat) Dont Be Fooled
For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a credit card, 1-800-814-5554. Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS. Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year). Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.

STEVE: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. On the Internet, that applies to: (1) offers for creams to help men grow extra inches; (2) chain e-mails claiming that if you forward them, youll get cash from Bill Gates/a big pharmaceutical company will give free drugs to a poor kid with cancer; and (3) Craigslist ads for no-strings-attached sex posted by women with pictures that look remarkably similar to porn

JANUARY 31, 2007

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su|do|ku PSYCHO SUDOKU

Fill in the grid so that every row, column and 3X3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9

SuDoKu with a twist!

BY MATT JONES

Greater-Than Sudoku For this Greater-Than Sudoku, Im not giving

you ANY numbers to start off with! Adjoining squares in the grids 3-x-3 boxes have a greater-than sign (>) telling you which of the two numbers in those squares is larger. Fill in every square with a number from 1-9 using the greater-than signs as a guide. When youre done, as in a normal Sudoku, every row, column, and 3-x-3 box will contain the numbers 1-9 exactly one time. psychosudoku@hotmail.com

KaidokuEach of the 26 letters of the alphabet is represented in this grid by

a number between one and 26. Using letter frequency, word pattern recognition, and the numbers as your guides, fill in the grid with well-known English words. Only lowercase, unhyphenated words area allowed in kaidoku, so you wont see anything like STOCKHOLM or LONG-LOST in here. Now solve!!

21 18 26 23 3

9 19

22

6 26

4 19 11 6 24 8 11 26

21

20 22 13 5

24

23 26

22

3 25

15

23 26

14

21 3

21

8 23 26 6

12

26 8

26

8 20

22

26 13 9 26

26 11

20 17 20 14 22 6 26

22 10

9 26 10 11 11 26 9 3 26 26 19 10 16 23

18 11

21

22

23 19

14 22 19 9 26

21

20 19

26

18 8

3 26

26

6 21

21

14 21

14

17 26

21

18

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FREE CLASSIFIEDS @ WWW.COLUMBIACITYPAPER.COM

1 Baths Forest Acres, minutes away from downtown and USC. 2500 block of Harrison Road. 3851 Capers Rent: $600.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 BathsDuplex in Rosewood. 3800 Barwick Rent: $600.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Duplex in Rosewood 5516 Lakeshore Drive # 508 Rent: $650.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths Forest Acres/near Trenholm and Forest Drive. Unit #508 2866 Ashton Street Rent: $700.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Forest Acres. From Harrison Road make a left onto Ashton, House on Left. 1642C Enoree Avenue Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths 12 unit apartment building wiithin walking distance to USC and Five Points. 1 mile from Darla Moore School of Business. 1642D Enoree Avenue Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 Baths 12 unit apartment building wiithin walking distance to USC and Five Points. 1 mile from Darla Moore School of Business. 505 Waccamaw Ave Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Tri-plex building located on the corner of Wheat & Waccamaw. Walking distance to USC and Five Points.ing Branch, R onto Jadetree. 331 S Harden St Rent: $750.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 BathsS. Harden near Rosewood. Close to Five Points, USC & Rosewood. 1618 B Greene St Rent: $800.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Utilities included-1600 Block of Greene. Walking distance to USC and Five Points. Across the street from the Nursing & Humanties buildings. 615 Heidt Street 12 Rent: $850.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 2 BathsLocated in Shandon area. Convenient to both downtown and USC. 803 Howard St. Rent: $850.00 - 3 Bedrooms / 1.5 Baths **MOVE IN SPECIAL 1/2 first months rent ** House in Rosewood. Take Howard off of Rosewood by S. Woodrow. Convenient to USC and dowtown. close to The VISTA and USC. $159,900. Call Robert Bowers to see at 466-2699. 1715 Enoree Avenue, 3 Bedroom /2 Bathrooms 1786 SF, Charming Home on a Great Street sandwiched between Pickens and Saluda. Asking $299,900, Tara Palazzotto, call Prudential Palmetto Realtors 803.960.1765 for Details. P r e - S e l l i n g LuxuryTownhomes with a Loft at "The Concourses at Owens Field" Starting at $385,000, GREAT LOCATION, minutes from The Vista, Five Points and Devine Street. Call Tara Palazzotto, Prudential Palmetto Realtors 803.960.1765 for a complete sales package. NOW LEASING...The Hangars at Owens Field, sister property of The Concourses, 1&2 Bedroom Live/Work spaces available. Stainless appliances, exposed brick, beams, and pipes. Private portico, Custom Euro Cabintry in Kitchens and Baths, Prewired for alarm systems. Concrete Countertops. GREAT LOCATION, minutes from The Vista, 5 Points and Devine Street.Call Tara Palazzotto for leasing information 803.960.1765 send your free classifieds ads@columbiacitypaper.com

The Following listings are managed by Cantey & Company call us at 803-256-7150. New listings are added often.
4600 Fort Jackson Blvd 197 Rent: $450.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Apartment in Hampton Hills. Near Gates of Fort Jackson. From Kilbourne make a left. 3800 S. Kilbourne Rd. Rent: $475.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Kilbourne Apartments: Located on S. Kilbourne between Live Oak and Hickory St. 9 Quadplex apts. Call our office for available units. 4649 Oxford Road Rent: $500.00 - 1 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Duplex-Take Kilbourne to Oxford, near Gates of Ft. Jackson. 2915 Chatsworth Rd A Rent: $575.00 - 2 Bedrooms / 1 Baths Brick quadraplex located off the Trenholm extension. Take right on Scotsman. Left on Scotsman. Right on Chatsworth. Located near Columbia Mall.

End of Cantey & Company listings Check back soon or call us at 803-256-7150. New listings are added often.
Great 2 BR Apt downtown close to The VISTA and USC. $600 per month. Call Robert at 466-2699! Great Bungalow with 3 BR and 2 BA beautiful hardwoods and 4 fireplaces. Located

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JANUARY 31, 2007

7A Pinecrest Court Rent: $595.00 - 2 Bedrooms /

JANUARY 31, 2007

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JANUARY 31, 2007