Redefining the Strong-Willed Woman Copyright 2002 by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias Requests for information should be addressed to:

: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Tobias, Cynthia Ulrich, 1953 Redefining the strong-willed woman : how to effectively use your strong will for God / Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references (p. ). ISBN-10: 0-310-24578-8 ISBN-13: 978-0-310-24578-0 1. Christian womenReligious life. 2. Christian womenConduct of life. I. Title. BV4527.T62 2002 248.8'43dc21 2002008519 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James version of the Bible. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Published in association with the literary agency of Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard Street, Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920. Interior design by Beth Shagene Printed in the United States of America

Contents
Acknowledgments Introduction Part 1: 1. 2. 3. Part 2: 4. 5. 6. What Is a Strong-Willed Woman? Who Is the Strong-Willed Woman? Strong WillIts Not Always What You Think! Whats the Difference between Strong Willed and Compliant? The Strong-Willed Woman and Her Relationships Strong-Willed Women on Their Own Strong-Willed Women and the Men Who Love Them Strong-Willed Moms Who Got the Kids They Deserved

9 11 19 31 43 55 67 81 101 113

Part 3: The Strong-Willed Woman at Work 7. Strong-Willed Women in the Workplace 8. Strong-Willed Women in Leadership Part 4: The Strong-Willed Woman and Her World 9. Strong-Willed Women and Their Relationship with God 10. Strong-Willed Women in Crisis 11. Mentoring the Next Generation of Strong-Willed Women The Challenge Study and Discussion Guide Notes Recommended Reading

129 143 155 167 173 191 193

Introduction
God can do anything, you knowfar more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Ephesians 3:20

t was a well-attended conference for Christian women, and I sat in the huge ballroom among dozens of tables with neatly dressed ladies who were eager to hear the keynote speaker. Before the nationally recognized author was introduced, the hostess said,Were going to have a little activity to help us get to know each other. My smile froze, and I quickly scanned the room for the nearest exit. No offense, I whispered to my neighbor,but I hate these ice breaker activities. She looked surprised and slightly offended, but I had my eye on the volunteers headed toward us bringing cute little gift baskets full of fortune cookies and blank pieces of paper. I excused myself and walked past several disapproving glances as I escaped through the double doors. I stood outside the ballroom during the introductory activity, then slipped back into the rear of the room in time to hear the speaker.

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Uh ohI was in trouble. She was speaking in a soft, singsong voice, and I suddenly felt like a first grader again. I tried to focus on what she was saying; her personal testimony was interesting, and many in the room, including me, were moved to tears. But then she began to tell us how we can become more godly women, and I once again found myself tuning out. Its not that I disagreed with her scripturally based instruction, and I honestly wasnt trying to find fault with her delivery style. But she didnt seem to have much in common with me. I couldnt help thinking she tended to give in too easily when she described the challenges in her life. She seemed eager to cook and clean for her husband and family and considered it a joy just to be able to serve in her kids school and her local church. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I kept waiting for her to say something that would compel me to think about God as something besides a deity who wanted me to be a submissive and quiet woman. Several months later, I attended a very different kind of womens conference.This one was sponsored by a high-profile secular university and had several corporate cosponsors.The display tables included information on NOW (National Organization of Women) and opportunities to donate to Planned Parenthood.The attendees were primarily businesswomen looking for ways to scale the ladder of success and gain new confidence in corporate boardrooms. I sensed immediately that this would not be anything like the warm and welcoming Christian womens conference. These speakers seemed ruthless, and the spirit of competition was fierce. I ended up walking out of this conference early too, but for an entirely different reason. The speaker I was listening to was articulate and spoke in a firm, commanding voice, but her message troubled me. She told

Introduction

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us she had been given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet a celebrity she had always admired. He had actually spent time talking to her and giving her some advice, and she couldnt wait to tell her husband about what had happened. Her husbands reaction was less than enthusiastic, she said, and he told her the celebrity probably told everyone the same thing. I couldnt believe he could be so unsupportive of me! she exclaimed, then added,Well, that was itId had it.You know what I did? I divorced him! The room broke out in spontaneous applause. WhoaI didnt have much in common with these women! I realized I do not fit into either group of women. I am not a quiet, unassuming woman who is content to simply blend in and become the silent partner for her husbands success. Neither am I a loud, in-your-face female who believes men need to be conquered and put in their place. I do have a strong will and firm convictions. Im not afraid to speak my mind, and when I am committed to accomplishing a goal, Ill move heaven and earth to get the job done. Ive gotten in trouble more than once for being too pushy, and Ive unintentionally offended others who thought I simply railroaded them into doing what I wanted. I am not afraid to take risks, and I dont have much patience for people who wont try to make their lives better without depending on someone else to do it for them. I know Im not alone. Over almost two decades of public speaking, Ive met thousands of women like me. Ive discovered, however, that it takes some coaxing to get them to admit it. For some it takes more convincing than others.You see, especially in Christian circles, were a little reluctant to come right out and say were strong willed and proud of it. Weve somehow been

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Introduction

persuaded that God would not approve of a woman who is so, well, nonconforming. After all, isnt the virtuous woman supposed to be quiet, holy, and subservient? I actually had one older Christian woman tell me when I was a young adult that when we accept Christ as our Savior, he neutralizes us. Now theres a scary thought! The fact is, the single most important thing any of us will ever do is accept Jesus Christ as our personal Savior. But God himself created and designed us before we were even born. He gave us our personalities, our gifts, our learning styles, and our individual passions and desires.When I turn my life back over to him, what happens to my natural drive and ambition? What do I do with my fiercely competitive spirit or my adventurous heart? Sadly, too many women decide they cannot possibly keep their strong will and still be considered a good girl.They try to fit into the mold of compliance and submission in order to be accepted and valued. Too often they end up either being emotionally confused or turning their backs on a God who seems entirely too narrow and controlling. But there are many godly women who still hold on to a healthy strong-willed spirit and have dedicated their strength and energy to the kingdom.They are sometimes misunderstood and are often perceived as being a little too outspoken or bold. But our churches and families are sprinkled liberally with fine women who, like their compliant counterparts, bring love and discipline and nurturing to all who come under their influence. This book is first and foremost dedicated to these women. I want you to know you are not the only one out there who feels the way you do.There are hundreds of thousands of sisters in Christ who share your perspectives and your convictions. There are

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untold thousands of younger strong-willed women who are craving your knowledge, support, and mentorship. This book is also dedicated to the strong-willed women who, until now, have been afraid to admit it, and to the bad girls who have always wondered why God cant have more fun or be more flexible.The way to salvation is indeed narrow, but service to our Lord is broader than we can imagine. God does require that we surrender our strong will completely to him. But what he gives back is an incredible transformation of our carnal spirit into a glorious nature that actually intensifies our inborn strengths. We arent really giving up anything, except being eternally lost.We can challenge what we may have been told in the past about how a proper Christian woman behaves. We can find ourselves right in the center of Gods will and still be doing what we do bestusing our strong wills to bring honor and glory to him. Sprinkled throughout the book, you will find the thoughts of other strong-willed women. In Her Own Words will give you just a small glimpse inside the minds and hearts of other women who may be very much like you.At the end of this book there is a study and discussion guide designed to help you apply what you will discover and give you opportunities to discuss your ideas with kindred spirits. One of my favorite stories is The Lion and the Christian. This poor Christian man is running from a lion, and he knows he is losing the race. As the lion gains ground, the exhausted Christian finally gives up and leans against a tree, facing the charging beast. The Christian raises his hand and calls loudly, Lord! Make this lion a Christian! Amazingly, the animal instantly falls to his knees and begins to pray: O Lord, thank

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you for this meal I am about to partake.Thats rightyou can make a lion a Christian, but do you know what? Hes still a lion. It is my prayer that this book will help you attach a whole new meaning to the worn-out phrase I am woman; hear me roar. God is about to give you the courage to be a strong-willed lion for him!

part 1

What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

chapter 1

Who Is the Strong-Willed Woman?

It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special.When the Message we preached came to you, it wasnt just words. Something happened in you.The Holy Spirit put steel in your convictions.
1 Thessalonians 1:45

pleasant, petite Texan was introducing me to an audience of several hundred women at Baylor University, where I was speaking about strong-willed children.The moderator had obviously been a strong-willed child. With a gentle southern drawl, she grinned and winked at the audience. My mother always used to tell me I was the only one of my kindin captivity. I had to smile.What a great way to put it! I was only one of at least two hundred other strong-willed daughters in that crowd who immediately knew what her mother had meant.We look for opportunities to stand out from the herd, so to speak. We resist being lumped together, even if we share the label of

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

strong-willed women.We are as diverse from one another as we are unique in the world. Our strong will doesnt take the place of personality, temperament, or learning style. It frames each of our souls, providing the border for hundreds of puzzle pieces, including spiritual gifts, personal preferences, childhood and life experiences. Although we differ in many ways, we can forge strong bonds with each other by identifying and affirming the strengths we have in common. The woman who alphabetizes her spice cabinet and color codes the hangers in her closet can be just as strong willed as the woman who writes out checks according to the pictures she likes and keeps her stuff in piles instead of files. So what does it take to have the distinction of being a genuinely strong-willed woman? After all, every woman has opportunities to use some degree of strong will at various times in her life. Much of what well share in this book could characterize almost any woman when shes backed into a corner or forced to protect the ones she loves. But for those of us who fit the description of the strong-willed woman, it can be said that we use our strong wills almost as often as we breathe. It is so deeply ingrained in us we often struggle to understand why everyone doesnt share the depth and strength of our convictions. I met Emily after one of my learning styles seminars for public school teachers. She had not grown up in a Christian home, but she had attended a conservative church off and on during her youth. She thanked me, not only for the seminar but for weaving my faith into the presentation.Then she hesitantly asked me,Do you believe its even possible for a strong-willed woman to be a Christian? I was startled by the question, and she went on to confess that she had very deliberately stayed away from

Who Is the Strong-Willed Woman?

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In Her Own Words

At times in my life I questioned God for making me so strong willed. This strong will had taken on a life of its own and seemed more of a burden than a blessing. How could I feel so strongly about so many things? It took years to come to terms with this, but I now realize that my strong will is one of the most treasured gifts the Lord has given me, and I thank him daily for entrusting this to me!
MARY E. KIMBALL-SMITH

church the past few years because she knew she had a stubborn and independent nature. Half of her was afraid God wouldnt even want her, and the other half was afraid he would demand she give up her strong will if she did decide to give her heart to Christ. Emily is certainly not alone.There are so many strongwilled women whose hearts and souls long to know Christ but whose self-sufficient natures wont even consider the possibility of surrendering their hard-won independence.These are women who can and will change the worldone way or anotherand its never been more important to find a way to recognize and validate their worth in the kingdom of God. Many of us may have secretly wondered if there was something wrong with us, if perhaps we just werent trying hard enough to be good conforming Christian women. So lets come together and identify ourselves to each other and the world. Lets discover and celebrate the fact that God has placed in the heart of many of his human creations an undercurrent so strong and so solid it carries us from birth to death.

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

How Strong-Willed Are You?

The following is a quick, informal quiz to get a handle on how strong willed you are according to how well be defining it in this book. Answer honestly, understanding that strong will itself is not a negative trait; it only becomes negative when you use it in ways that do not honor God. After you take and score the quiz, have at least two other people who know you best take it on your behalf, just to see if their scores match yours. Your SWW (Strong-Willed Woman) Quotient Place a mark in front of each of the following statements that almost always describe you. ___ When told to give up because its impossible, Im willing to move heaven and earth to prove you wrong. ___ I can move with lightning speed from being a warm, loving presence to being a cold, immovable force. ___ I may argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go. ___ When given the ultimatum Do it or else, I will often just else. ___ I consider rules to be guidelines. (Im abiding by the spirit of the law; why are you being so picky?) ___ I can show great creativity and resourcefulness; I always seem to find a way to accomplish the goal. ___ I can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy. ___ I dont do things just because youre supposed to; it needs to matter to me personally.

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___ I usually refuse to obey unconditionally; I almost always have a few terms of negotiation before complying. ___ Im not afraid to try the unknown, to conquer the unfamiliar (but Ill choose my own risks). ___ Ive been told I can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum. ___ I may not say the exact words to apologize, but I do make things right. Your Score: How Much Strong Will Do You Have? 03 47 Youve got it, but you dont use it much. You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis. 810 Youve got a good strong dose of it, but you can back off when you want to. 1112 You dont leave home without it, and its almost impossible not to use it. If you scored between 11 and 12, you have definitely come to the right place! Your heart will instantly warm to the discussions of how we think and why we do the things we do.You have found your kindred spirits! If your score is between 8 and 10, you may not be completely sure we are describing you when we talk about some of the more extreme traits of the strong-willed woman. As you read through the book, the chances are good you will discover you have more strong will than you thought, but perhapsfor a lot of reasonsyou havent felt free to admit it openly. The

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

chapters you are about to read may liberate and empower you more than you expected. If you scored between 1 and 7, you are probably reading this book to gain a better understanding of the strong-willed women in your life, and we certainly encourage your efforts.We are not really a mystery, but most of us will tell you it takes one to know one, and understanding us can be a challenge.

What Do Strong-Willed Women Have in Common?

Youve probably figured out that I scored a 12 on the quiz you just took. I have to confess that throughout these pages I will be speaking directly to those who think like I doand believe me, thats no small number of women! As we identify what most of us have in common, you will find this is by no means a comprehensive list. But it can start the important process of understanding and appreciating what can make strong-willed women such a powerful and positive force in the kingdom of God. Read the following descriptions carefully and prayerfully. The positive characteristics can be true of any strong-willed woman. It is my heartfelt belief, however, that only through Gods grace can any strong-willed woman avoid the negative aspects of even our best traits. Several of these characteristics will be explored in more detail later in the book, but this will give you an overview of what almost all strong-willed women have in common. Is this your heart? Does this describe so much of your innermost being? Are you a part of this unique and wonderful group of godly women?

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I Have a Deep Desire to Make a Difference Deep in my heart, there is a desire to make a difference. I am not content to simply blend in with the crowd. I want to do something significant, something extraordinary. It may not shake the whole world, but I want to make sure my corner of it is never the same. How this can take the wrong direction: Before God transforms my will, I run the risk of alienating others. I can start finding any way possible to be different, to ensure that I do not conform to the expectations of those I often resent for dictating the rules to me in the first place. I Am Not Content to Coast I am not content to simply coast; I must keep pedaling. Laziness certainly does not appear to be a trait that shows up among strong-willed women. In fact, if anything, most of us chafe under the constraints of waiting for just about anything. Isnt there something I can do to move things along? Shouldnt someone be doing something? Lets take action! How this can take the wrong direction: I can live in a consistent state of impatience with just about everything and almost everyone. I can find myself snapping at others who wont move at my pace, and making unreasonable demands of those who love me best yet often understand me least. I Am Fiercely Loyal I am fiercely loyaluntil betrayed. I will fight to the death to protect the weak and helpless or to advance a cause that does the same. But once my trust has been betrayed, the disconnection is swift and often permanent.

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

How this can take the wrong direction: I can easily be drawn to the wrong cause, and once Im there I fight for it despite all evidence that Im supporting the wrong thing.The more someone attempts to pull me away, the more adamant I become to stick with it, even if I secretly believe it would be best to disconnect. I Need to Be Involved I need to be involved, to become part of the solution to compelling problems. I am energized by the process of finding answers to problems no one else could solve.The idea that something is impossible only fuels my resolve to seek and discover the solution that will prove it was possible after all. How this can take the wrong direction: I can step into situations without invitation and insinuate myself into circumstances in which Im not really welcome.Theres no such thing as none of my business. I Will Not Be Ignored I will not be ignored when I believe I have something important to say. I will find a way to be heard, whether it is through print or public speaking. I dont just sit back and hope someone else will mention it eventually.

In Her Own Words

I will absolutely not give up on things once I put my mind to them: marriage, parenting, overcoming emotional difficulties, bad habits. I believe obstacles can be overcome, and faith in God just magnifies that a hundredfold.
DCEALLAIGH

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In Her Own Words

My strong will has sometimes gotten me in trouble because I am very opinionated and tend to say what I think before thinking it through; because of my strong will, I have a hard time learning from my mistakes.
NINELIVES

How this can take the wrong direction: I can become loud, obnoxious, or rude while demanding that others listen. Others may find their voices are drowned out in my all-encompassing need to be the one who talks. I Have No Reverse Gear I have no reverse gearonly drive. (Ill drive around the block to go backward.) Perhaps its my overall philosophy of whats done is done; lets move on. I dont try to go backward and undo the past. Even if I immediately sense Ive made the wrong decision, I keep driving forward, looking for a way to make things right. How this can take the wrong direction: I can live as though I am never wrong, never retreating, only advancing regardless of the price. I Tend to Succeed I tend to succeed at virtually everything I do, usually because I dont choose to do anything I believe doesnt promise certain success. It often seems to those watching that I am successful at almost everything I undertake. My secret is this: I choose what

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

I tackle very deliberately, going ahead with only the challenges I feel pretty confident I can overcome. How this can take the wrong direction: I may refuse to do what God wants me to do, simply out of the fear that Ill look weak or incapable. I Am Wholehearted in Action Whatever I choose to do, I do with my whole heart.There arent many halfway measures when it comes to the strongwilled woman. If I have decided to do a task, I usually throw myself into the effort wholeheartedly. Stand back! How this can take the wrong direction: I can railroad through just about anyone and anything when Ive set my sights on the goal, oblivious to those who may be hurt in the process. I Have Diverse Interests I have very diverse interests. I never want to be stuck in a job because I have no other choice. Most strong-willed women have held dozens of jobs, usually two or three simultaneously. I thrive by moving from the known to the unknown. I want to be able to do anything I need to, whenever I need to do it, and I believe that lifes too short to be miserable in a job I hate. How this can take the wrong direction: I can get the reputation of never holding down a job for any length of time. I can switch jobs when I get bored, regardless of who Im letting down in the process. I Have a Strong Desire to Do Right I have a strong desire to do the right thing, with or without specific rules. I want you to assume the best in me. I have a deep-

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In Her Own Words

When I was younger I would have denied being strong willed. I would have told you, Im passionate about my beliefs; Im committed to a course of action; I cant do something I think is wrong. While all those things are true, I now know that my strong will does have something to do with it. Now that I have a little more wisdom on my side, Im more willing to let others learn through experience, and I dont always have to have my own way, but Im still very persuasive.
LEANNE

seated desire to do the moral and decent thing in any situation. Its why rules are often simply guidelines; as long as I know the point of the rule, why must I follow every picky requirement? How this can take the wrong direction: I can flaunt authority and run roughshod over those who insist I follow step-by-step procedures or explicit rules. I Am Willing to Do What Needs to Be Done Im willing to step up and do what needs to be done, even if no one else has the courage to join me. Even if I lack training in a particular kind of crisis, Im still willing to step out and do something while others look helplessly around wondering what to do. I am not content to stay behind the lines and wistfully wait for someone to rescue me. How this can take the wrong direction: I may blunder into things like a bull in a china shop, regardless of the consequences. I may

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What Is a Strong-Willed Woman?

make others feel small or stupid because they didnt take the same risks I was willing to take.

What Do You Think?

Well, what do you think? Could it be that you have just read a pretty accurate description of yourself? Did you notice how easily our best qualities can become major drawbacks? I love being a strong-willed woman, but its a daily challenge to walk that fine line between holy convictions and self-righteous pride. I think youll enjoy your journey in self-discovery over the next several chapters. I know youll be encouraged to find out how many other women share your views and celebrate the fulfillment that can come only as a result of transforming that incredible strong will to the one who gave it to you in the first place.Watch outyoure about to change the world!

Prayer for Strong-Willed Women

We ask that our Heavenly Father take the very traits that have the potential to be negative and transform them into strengths that bring honor and glory to the Creator and Designer of our strong will.