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Committed Partnership or Marriage: Rethinking Jewish Attitudes

Parshat Emor 5772 By Rabbi Mark B Greenspan
Two significant events took place this week that ought to make us rethink our attitudes about what constitutes a marriage. One was the decision by North Carolina to ban homosexual marriage; the other, the death of one of our great American writers and illustrators of children's books, Maurice Sendak. The decision by the North Carolina Legislature to ban same-sex marriages placed this issue at center stage, once again. Few issues have been as politicized in recent years as this one. With a major national election just around the corner, no one was surprised that so many public officials weighed in on the North Carolina decision, including President Obama and Gov Romney. The president, however, surprised everyone by coming out publicly for the first time in favor of making same-sex marriages legal; Gov Romney reiterated his position that marriage is between 'a man and a woman.' While both statements were politically motivated, no doubt they will inspire continuing discussion and debate, both winning adherents and critics. The second event that took place this week was the death of Maurice Sendak. Mr. Sendak was one of the most influential children's authors of the last generation. What you might not know is that he was gay and that he lived with one partner, Eugene Glynn, for 50 years until Glynn's death in 2007. In an article in the Times, Sendak revealed that like many people of his generation he never told his parents about his homosexuality. "All I wanted was to be straight so my parents could be happy," he recalled. "They never, never, never knew. Sendak also acknowledged that his career would have been hurt if it had been known he was gay when he was in his 20s and 30s. It is ironic, then, that Sendak passed away the same day that North Carolina banned such marriages. We've come a long way since the time when people had to hide their sexual orientation, but the issue of same-sex marriage remains just as controversial, even today. I suspect, however, that the difference between Romney and Obama on this issue are not as great as we'd like to think. Both are in favor of recognizing and providing legal rights for such unions. The issues about which our candidates differ is more semantic than legal. Should the union between two people of the same-sex be called a 'marriage'? Is marriage a divinely sanctioned institution which is not subject to human definition? And what is the purpose of marriage, in the first place? Next fall, I'll be performing my first same-sex marriage ceremony right here in our synagogue. Like President Obama, my thoughts on this question have evolved over the years. Unlike politicians, however, my opinion is not subject to what is publicly expedient or what is considered to be the congregational consensus or even politically correct. You see, I only have one boss to whom I must answer in such matters. So I continue to visit and revisit Jewish sources on this subject, beginning with the Bible. I've listened to the discussions among my colleagues in the Rabbinical Assembly and I've read their responsa on homosexuality. But most important, I've allowed my experiences as a rabbi to influence my judgments. Over the years I have had the privilege of working with and listening to people who define themselves as gay and lesbian, and what they have taught me has influenced who I am.

2 It seems to me that Judaism, at least with regard to this issue, cannot be based solely on the Bible and Jewish legal sources. When making legal or moral pronouncement, rabbis often quote the Talmud and the other legal sources such as the Shulchan Aruch, the great code of law written by Joseph Karo in the sixteenth century. There are four sections in the Shulchan Arukh. They are: Orekh Hayim, dealing with the calendar and prayer; Yoreh Deah, which discusses Kashrut and conversion among other subjects; Even Haezer, dealing with marriage and divorce; and finally Choshen Mishpat deals with civil and monetary matters. At the end of the day, however, a rabbi must make his judgments on something more than these four volumes. He must open what has been called the fifth volume of the Shulchan Aruch, Sekhel HaYashar, the book of common sense. It seems to me that the issue of same sex-marriage is not so much an issue of halachah as it is an issue of sekhel, common sense. First, if marriage is a divinely sanctioned institution then we should leave it just the way it was in the time of the Bible. Yet, I dont hear very many people in American society advocating for polygamy or concubines, for that matter. Many biblical institutions have been abandoned or changed over the years, including slavery, charging interest and the death penalty for rebellious children. It is simply not true that marriage, as we define it today, is the same as it was in the Bible! And when I look at a long-standing and loving relationship between two human beings like Maurice Sendak and Eugene Glynn, it's hard for me to say that this is not 'a marriage.' Such couples deserve not only the protection of their civil rights but the legitimization of their relationship in the eyes of God. In performing a Jewish marriage a rabbi often speaks of establishing a bayit ne'eman biyisrael, "a faithful house among the people of Israel." Marriage is about procreation but it is about so much more than procreation. The Bible tells us Lo tov heyot adam livado, "It is not good for a human being to be alone." Eve is described as an ezer k'negdo, a helpmate beside the first human being. So marriage is about enriching our lives through partnership and caring; it's about establishing homes where Jewish tradition can be lived and practiced. It is about fidelity and commitment, responsibility and faithfulness between two people and those values ought to apply in all relationships regardless of gender. I'm not sure I understand why two loving men or women should be denied the opportunity to declare their commitment not only to one another but to the values that make for a Jewish home and a Jewish life. At the end of the day, sexual orientation is not a choice, or at least not a simple choice. Like Mr. Sendak, I suspect that many gay men and women would say that this is not a choice they made for themselves. To deny such people the richness and meaning that our tradition provides for us is simply wrong! Last week, in Torah Table Talk, I included a quote attributed to Rabbi Herschel Matt, a colleague of mine. Published in 1983, it still resonates as true today: "The crucial questionis whether homosexuality in contemporary society is to be identified with what the Torah forbade; whether, that is, the ancient and modern significance and consequences of homosexuality are the same and whether homosexuality today is inherently idolatrous, immoral and destructive of Jewish existence. The answer to the question involves, once again, the issue of free choice: are homosexuals able to choose and to change. If they are, they should be considered in violation of the Torah's prohibition, which is still binding; if they are not, but except for the sexual identity of their mate do live faithfully by traditional Jewish standards, they should be accepted fully and respected.

3 I'm not sure what the 'wedding ceremony' I'll be performing next fall will look like; what aspects of our tradition I will retain and which ones I will leave out. I'm not even sure whether I'll call the ceremony kiddushin, the traditional Hebrew word for marriage. I havent gotten that far yet! I do know that the couple whose wedding I'll conduct have a loving, caring, and committed relationship and that they deserve to have that relationship both acknowledged and celebrated within our tradition within our community. My teacher, Rabbi Joel Roth, used to tell us that our job as rabbis is not to modernize Judaism but to Judaize modernity. That is, we are not simply finding ways to adapt Judaism to the modern world but rather we must look within the traditions of the Torah and rabbinic Judaism for ways to address the conflicts and challenges of the modern world. Judaism celebrates marriage, but marriage I would argue is a changing institution. Next fall when I perform my first same sex-marriage, I hope to conclude by saying, "Thank you Godfor allowing me to reach this occasion in my life." Shabbat Shalom