A Very Potter Musical Act 1 Scene 3 (Great Hall, students take their seats at the end of Get Back

to Hogwarts. Enter DUMBLEDORE.) DUMBLEDORE. Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. RON. (yelling in excitement) WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! DUMBLEDORE. He defeated Lord Voldemort, even though he was just a baby and even got that little lightning scar to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffyindor, Mr. Gin excuse me, Mrs. Ginny. GINNY. Yeah, Im a girl, and also, arent we supposed to be sorted by the uh Sorting Hat? DUMBLEDORE. Yes, well a funny ting happened to the Sorting Hat, he actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference, arent going to be back until next year. Basically Ive just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like bad guy into Slytherin, and the others can just go where ever the hell they want. I dont really care. CEDRIC. (Rises from his seat) Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders! DUMBLEDORE. What. The. Hell. Is a Hufflepuff? (After a pause CEDRIC takes his seat.) DUMBLEDORE. Anyway its time for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Severus Snape! (Slytherins clap proudly, while RON, HARRY and HERMIONE talk about how much they despise SNAPE. Enter SNAPE.) HARRY. Come on, Ron. Hes really not that bad, I SNAPE. Harry Potter! Detention! HARRY. For what?! SNAPE. For talking out of turn! Now before we begin, Im going to be giving you all youre very, very first pop quiz. Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? Yes Miss Granger? HERMIONE. (fast) A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport one or ones who touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter. SNAPE. Very good. Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Yes, Miss Granger? HERMIONE. (fast) Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a most significant way. SNAPE. Perfect! RON. But what if the portkey happens to miss someone

HERMIONE. Oh! A portkey is something RON. Not you! Ugh that when you touch it it will transport you anywhere! SNAPE. And remember a portkey can be any sort of simply harmless objects like a football, a dolphin! GIRL. Professor? SNAPE. Yes? GIRL. Can like a person be a portkey? SNAPE. No, thats absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves (turns directly to RON and stares at him intensly, then turns away) They would constantly be transported into different places. A person can however be a Horcrux. HARRY. Whats er, whats a horcrux? SNAPE. Im not even going to tell you Harry, youll find out soon enough. HERMIONE. Professor, what is the point of this quiz? SNAPE. Oh, no no no point in particular, just important information that everyone should know. (to audience) Especially you! (pause) Now moving right along, there are four houses in all! Gryffindor. Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff CEDRIC. FIND! SNAPE. And Slytherin! Now traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. Example! Ten points from Gryffindor! GRYFFINDOR. (mumbling all at once) Huh? What? Why? What for? SNAPE. For Miss Grangers excessive participation. HARRY AND RON. Thanks Hermione! SNAPE. Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year were doing things a bit differently. Let me introduce you our new professor of the Dark Arts. Professor Quirrel. (Enter QUIRREL) HARRY. OW! OW! Ow! HERMIONE. Harry whats wrong? QUIRREL. (very awkward and nervous) The House Cup Tournament a time honored tradition For centuries MALFOY. Go on terrorist! QUIRREL. For centuries, the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from and what are the roots of the tradition? HERMIONE. The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students! QUIRREL. That was a rhetorical question. DUMBLEDORE. Granger! Quit interrupting! Twenty points from Gryffindor! RON. Thanks Hermione! QUIRREL. As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete a series of dangerous tasks. Challenge is: the winner would not only win the Cup, he would also win eternal glory.

HERMIONE. Kind of like the Triwizard Tournament! QUIRREL. Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tounament except no not like that at all. There are four houses! How can it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teens? HERMIONE. Well, professor if I remember correctly the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task! QUIRREL. Yes. It is very dangerous. But the rewards far out way the risks. HERMIONE. I dont think you heard me, I just said somebody died! DUMBLEDORE. Hermione Granger, shut your un-Godly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points! HARRY AND RON. Thanks Hermione! DUMBLEDORE. God! For the clever witch of your age you can really be a dumbass sometimes! (laughter) Ten points to Dumbledore. QUIRREL. Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is just what the curriculum needs to (VOLDEMORT sneezes) DUMBLEDORE. Did your turban just sneeze? QUIRREL. N-n-no DUMBLEDORE. I couldve sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth wasnt moving. QUIRREL. No, um that was simply a fart, excuse me. (More sneezes. As QUIRREL walks past HARRY and exits.) HARRY. OW! OW! OW! Oh, jeez! Ow! QUIRREL. Well I must be going. (another sneeze) I simply farted once more! (He exits.) DUMBLEDORE. Well now with our newly resurrected House Cup a champion from each House will be selected to compete! So Snape, will you do us the honors please? SNAPE. Yes Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw House Miss Cho Chang. CHO. Oh ma God I won! I cant believe I won! SNAPE. Next from Hufflepuff Mr. Cedric Diggory. CEDRIC. Well I dont find this surprising at all. CHO. Oh yeah, now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend. CEDRIC. Im glad as well my darling. (He kisses her.) SNAPE. Next from the Slytherin house Draco Malfoy! MALFOY. HA! (grunts/gasps) Ha! I finally beat you didnt I Potter! What do you think of that huh?! Oh Im the champion this time!

DUMBLEDORE. Malfoy, go sit down you little shit! The champions just a title! SNAPE. And finally from the Gryffindor house Oh my well isnt this curious? The only person in all of Hogwarts whom I hold a grudge against, is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life. NEVILLE. Oh! Its me! (mumbles other words rapidly) SNAPE. Sit down you inarticulate mumbler! Its Harry Potter! RON. WHOOO!! WHOOO!! WHOOOOO!! WHOO!! WHOOO! DUMBLEDORE. Well here we are olks the four Hogwarts champions! Now I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months! And it could be anything So lets get to it! (Cheers erupt, MALFOY tries to get support by cheering his name, but remains ignored.)

Scene 4
RON. Harry youve got this tournament in the bag! HARRY. I dont know man. Cedric Diggory. I mean hes pretty awesome NOT! He sucks! Were totally gonna win! HERMIONE. I dont know Harry RON. Oh my God! Hermione, shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybodys parade? HERMIONE. Because, Ron, this is dangerous! HARRY. Dangerous?! Oh come on. How dangerous could it be? Especially for me? HERMIONE. Well youre not invincible Harry, somebody died in this tournament. HARRY. Uh, Im that boy who lived, not died! Come on, whats the worst that could happen? HERMIONE. And I dont know about that Quirrel character. I mean first he resurrects this horrible tournament. Then he comes near you and your scar starts burning. And you have to admit there was something really funny about the back of his head. HARRY. Come on. Think about it, Professor Quirrel is a PROFESSOR! And who hires professors? HARRY AND RON. Dumbledore! HARRY. Whos the smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard, beautiful wizard in the whole world. Why? Why would he possibly hire somebody who is trying to hurt me? HERMIONE. Well what about Snape? HARRY. What about him? HERMIONE. Hes hated you for years! And hes hated your parents too Harry, everybody knows that. And he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup? Out of hundreds, if not, five possible Gryffindors? HARRY. Yeah what a coincidence! Im really freaked out! HERMIONE. No, Harry I dont think it is a coincidence. I mean when you defeated Voldemort, you made a lot of enemies. Ones you might not even know about. HARRY. Okay, so youre saying, is that this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me? HERMIONE. I mean you dont know, maybe! Anyway I just think its dangerous and I dont think you should do it.

HARRY. All right Hermione, if it means that much to you Ill drop out. HERMIONE. Oh thank you Harry. (they hug) RON. No, wait wait! WHAT?! Quit the House Cup?! What about all the eternal glory I mean come on! HARRY. Hey, eternal glory already got it. Besides, Neville will be a great champion RON. No, no, no! I do not want Shlongbottom to be my champion. HERMIONE. Harry look all you have to do is oh look, theres Dumbledore! Just talk to him now and tell him that youre dropping out! HARRY. Um yeah, listen Hermione. Dumbledore and I are really cool, I mean were super tight and I just dont want him to think Im lazy or anything like that, so why dont you tell him. Just tell him that I want to work more on school or something. Hey, you got this one. HERMIONE. Alright. HARRY. Dont worry about it. HERMIONE. Okay. Dumbledore? DUMBLEDORE. Yes, Miss Granger? HERMIONE. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about something its about the House Cup Tournament. Well first of all I think its an awful idea and then second of all, I dont think Harry Potter should compete. DUMBLEDORE. Granger why do you always have to be a stick in the mud huh? Now, tell me why you dont think Harry Potter should compete. HERMIONE. Uh because he, uh wants to study! DUMBLEDORE. Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you! HERMIONE. Well, he uh wants to focus on his O.W.L.s! DUMBLEDORE. Why couldnt Harry tell me this himself? Huh? He thinks Im cool! Were tight! HERMIONE. Oh professor, Im a really bad liar. I just think its a ruse! A setup! And I even think Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter! DUMBLEDORE. Severus Snape is one of the kindest, gentlest, bravest, sexiest men Ive ever met! Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as hes trying to kell me! SNAPE. Oh Professor Dumbledore, I happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich. DMUBLEDORE. Why thank you Severus! See Granger? Isnt he thoughtful? SNAPE. Here you are Professor. Slam Apptit. I mean Bon Apptit. HERMIONE. Um, is that sandwich ticking? DUMBLEDORE. It looks like its licking finger licking good. HERMIONE. Professor, I dont think you should eat that sandwich. DUMBLEDORE. Why? Granger you ought to listen to Snape more often! You might even get a sandwich out of it! Granger what the hell? Granger what are you doing?! You dog-gone exploded my sandwich! HERMIONE. Im sorry sir! DUMBLEDORE. Great even if I did believe this tournament was a scam, do you see that Cup? Its enchanted! Whoevers names come out of that Cup have to compete or the results could be bad! HERMIONE. What do you mean bad?

DUMBLEDORE. Nothing. You see he just has to compete, and if it makes you feel any better the last guy who died was a Hufflepuff so Ill keep my eyes open. And nothing is gonna get past me! Now I gotta go make myself another sandwich. Although Ill never now if it was as good as the last one The last one ticked! HERMIONE. Because it was a bomb! Harry I think youre gonna have to compete in the House Cup Tournament. But I promise you, I wont rest until I find out what the first task is! RON. And Ill sabotage all the other champions so you win by default! HARRY. Alright! Awesome. (Enter MALFOY, CRABBE, GOYLE) MALFOY. Well! Isnt this touching! RON. Oh my God! Just butt out Malfoy! (M rolls on the ground) MALFOY. Father and I had I bet you know! He says you wont last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you wont last five minutes at Pigfarts! HARRY. What? Alright now Malfoy What is Pigfarts? MALFOY. Oh! Never heard of it? Huh. Figures! Famous Potter doesnt even know about Pigfarts! HARRY. Malfoy, dont act like you dont wanna talk about it. Thats like the ninth time youve mentioned it. Now what is Pigfarts?! MALFOY. Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. Its where Im being transferred next year. HERMIONE. Oh please, Malfoy Ive never even heard of that. MALFOY. Thats because Pigfarts, is on Mars. HARRY. Malfoy, you know were trying to have a conversation, so if you could leave us alone MALFOY. Oh Im not even here. HARRY. So anyway I think we can find out what the first task is. Dumbledore said MALFOY. Dumbledore?! Oh please! Hes nothing like Rumbleroar! CRABBE AND GOYLE. RUMBLEROAR! HARRY. Anyway like I was saying MALFOY. Rumbleroar is the Headmaster at Pigfarts! Hes a lion who can talk. HARRY. Look Malfoy! If you dont mind were trying to have a conversation, look youre not even eating. Get out of here! MALFOY. Well I cant help it if we can hear everything you say. Were the only ones in here. HARRY. Well, just please get out of here yes? MALFOY. Where are we supposed to go? HARRY. Oh, I dont know, Pigfarts! (laughter)

MALFOY. Oh hahaha, haha, haha Now youre just being cute. I cant go to Pigfarts. Its on Mars! You need a rocketship. Do you have a rocketship Potter? I bet you do! You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Uh! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! HARRY. All right thats it, this is the most misguided way to try and make people jealous. I dont care if you make fun of me, but if you bring my parents into this thats a whole other story. MALFOY. Not so fast! Crabbe! Goyle! GOYLE. Back off nerd! MALFOY. Ha! Not so tough now are you Potter! You know maybe you should hang out with someone better than that dumb ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend! HERMIONE. Oh that is it Malfoy! JELLY-LEGS JINX! MALFOY. Oh come on. HERMIONE. Take it back Malfoy! MALFOY. Take what back?! HERMIONE. Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school! RON. Yeah and that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend! Thats not a pretty picture. HERMIONE. And say youre sorry for calling me a you-know-what! MALFOY. Okay Im sorry! HERMIONE. And you promise never to do it again? MALFOY. I promise! HERMIONE. Right. Now next time we tell you to leave us alone, you better do it. Come on, Harry, Ron, let get out of here. Besides, I already ate my sandwich. HARRY. Thanks Hermione. HERMIONE. Yeah. UN-JELLIFY! RON. That was like the most badass ting Ive ever seen. Too bad no one was here to see it though (he goes on and the trio exit) GOYLE. Wow, that sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd! MALFOY. I didnt mean what I said you know, Pigfarts is real. Goyle, am I am I bleeding? Goyle? GOYLE. No! MALFOY. I thought maybe um maybe I Well, Ive never been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldnt call her a Mud whatever. GOYLE. I cant believe I couldnt figure out the countercure was just Un-jellify. MALFOY. Right Im not surprised. Come on, lets go watch Wizards of Waverly Place. (They exit.)