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“Knighty Knight”
#134
Story By:
Tim McIntire and The Laugh a Lots
Written By:
Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas
First Draft:
8.31.01
Final Draft:
9.14.01
FADE IN:
DISSOLVE TO:
TIMMY
Oh boy! The 595th annual Dimmsdale Camelot
Festival! Where you get to dress up and act like
people from the middle ages!
POOF! Cosmo turns into a 45 YEAR OLD MAN with gray temples, a paunch, bifocals,
and receding hairline.
COSMO
Cool! I'm middle aged!
(beat; instantly angry)
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!
WANDA
Not those middle ages...
TIMMY
No, I mean the long-ago time of knights and
dragons and wizards! This shall be most
awesome!! But I'm gonna need the best Knight
costume ever!
Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and POOF! Wanda becomes a HORSE, COSMO A
SHIELD with a coat of arms that looks suspiciously like his face, and Timmy is now a
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Several REAR-VIEW MIRRORS and a ROLLS-ROYCE-TYPE
HOOD ORNAMENT pop out of his helmet.
TIMMY
Cool! I mean...ZOUNDS!
COSMO
Yeah! That armor gets forty miles to the joust!
TIMMY
Ooof!
WANDA
And it has standard air bags!!
TIMMY
Normal armor, please.
POOF! Wands are waved and Timmy now has a relatively normal - yet still very cool -
suit of armor.
TIMMY
Come!! Let us sally forth into yonder fair!
CUT TO:
Timmy - sans the rear-view mirrors - heroically rides in with a triumphant fanfare... to
see the worst fair ever. Timmy rides up to a GUY in the CRUDDIEST KNIGHT SUIT ever.
TIMMY
Greetings fellow knight! Shalst we quest for the
Grail?
CRAPPY KNIGHT
Joust? I'm just here to point to where the
porta-potties are.
(points with his sword)
Over there!
When he reaches to point, we see the six foot tall knight is actually a two foot tall guy
behind a cardboard KNIGHT CUT-OUT.
TIMMY
Thanks for the info, Sir Lance A Little!
CRAPPY KNIGHT
They always call me that here!
He sobs into his hands and, as he does, a SECOND CUT OUT falls, revealing that he's
actually one foot tall.
TIMMY
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 4
WIZARD
Did somebody say wizard?
TIMMY
What kind of wizard are you?
WIZARD
I'm...the Cleaning Wizard!
He dramatically opens his ROBE to reveal a wide array of CHEESY TV SPRAY BOTTLES
AND CLEANING OBJECTS.
WIZARD
How many times has this happened to you?
You're riding in the forest, when suddenly...
COSMO
Hey!
WIZARD
You get cow manure on your talking shield!
Well, the cleaning wizard makes almost all of it
go away!
TIMMY
Almost? No thanks...
COSMO
This is no way to treat a man my age.
DISSOLVE TO:
TIMMY
Cool! I mean..."Verily!" An ACTUAL DRAGON!
CUT TO:
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 5
TIMMY (O.S.)
Wow. That's really...
TIMMY
Pathetic.
TIMMY
Man, this fair stinks! Could it be any more
horrible?
DAD (V.O.)
Mooo...ve over Timmy!
MOM (V.O.)
We can't see the dragon!
TIMMY
Mom? Dad!
MOM AND DAD pop out of the COW OUTFIT. Mom's the head and Dad, of course, is
the butt.
DAD
Isn't this a great fair? Look what I bought! The
Cleaning Wizard!
Dad pulls out a bottle of Cleaning Wizard and hurls a pile of manure on Cosmo. Dad
starts wiping it off Cosmo's face.
DAD
And this manure almost comes all the way off!
MOM
Are you having fun, Timmy?
TIMMY
No. This is the worst Camelot fair ever!
DAD
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 6
Camelot?
Dad pulls out a MAP, and a pair of reading GLASSES and checks the map.
DAD
I thought this was the state fair!
(folds map up, puts glasses in pocket)
Well, I'm gonna win a blue ribbon anyway!
MOM
Bye, Son!
TIMMY
The knight's short, the wizard's a salesman, the
dragon's fake and people are throwing manure
at us!
COSMO
Us?!?!
TIMMY
You know what? I wish we were all in the real
middle ages!
ON TIMMY - the magic smoke clears. Timmy peers out of the tent and sees:
TIMMY'S POV - Like Dorothy first seeing the splendor of the land of Oz, Timmy sees
the Glory that is Medieval England!! We see a majestic CASTLE in the distance.
WIDEN to reveal it's on a lush GREEN HILLSIDE, surrounded by a lush GREEN FOREST,
ensconced in a lush GREEN VALLEY.
ON TIMMY - Who exits the tent riding Wanda and carrying his Cosmo shield.
TIMMY
This is great! We're actually in the middle
ages!
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 7
WANDA
Well, that's what you wished for, Sport!
COSMO
But here, it's just called "The ages!"
Suddenly, a SHADOW falls over Timmy. He looks up to see a gigantic, armor clad
KNIGHT riding a majestic, armor clad BLACK STEED.
SIR FINKLEBERG
What ho, Tiny Knight with a shield that smells
like a hundred horses' butts?!
TIMMY
"What ho" back atchya!
SIR FINKLEBERG
I am on my way to pull the sword from the
stone and claim my rightful place as King of
England.
TIMMY
And you are...?
SIR FINKLEBERG
I have many names -- The Shining Knight, The
Hammer of Fury, but you, my fellow knight,
maybe call me:
(beat)
Sir Finkleberg.
TIMMY
Finkleberg? What kind of dumb name is
Finkle...
The horse rears it's mighty hoof and FOOM! Flattens Timmy, Wanda and Cosmo like a
bug. Sir Finkleberg trots off.
TIMMY
Cool! I got pounded on by Sir Finkleberg!
Suddenly, Mom and Dad -- still in the cow suit -- walk into scene.
MOM
Hello, Timmy!
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 8
DAD
Where'd you get the dented, smelly shield?
TIMMY
Uh... Talking-smelly-shields dot Camelot?
DAD
Of course! The internet's first stop for talking
smelly shields! Come on, Honey, let's find the
snack shop!
MOM
Sure! I'm udderly hungry.
DAD
Then let's get a moo-ve on!
TIMMY
What are they doing here?
WANDA
Well, you wished for all of us to come back!
TIMMY
I can't have my Mom and Dad running around
the middle ages in a cow suit... Get them out of
here!
ON MOM AND DAD near a BUSH, still attached in the cow suit. The Dad half is
obscured by the bush as Dad is clearly, yet subtly going to the bathroom.
MOM
I told you to go before we got in the suit!
DAD
I'll only be a second -- I just have to move this
udder!
Suddenly, from nowhere, a huge fire-breathing DRAGON swoops out of the sky, grabs
Mom and Dad, and sails off over the horizon.
DRAGON
<<SCREEECH!>>
TIMMY
Did you?
TIMMY
Then that was...
TIMMY
Neat! (beat) OH MY GOSH!
Timmy gallops after the dragon but the dragon is too fast.
TIMMY
I can't catch up! My parents are gonna be
eaten by a dragon! I need a weapon of some
kind!
COSMO
Hey, I've been covered with dung and water all
day. If you think I'm gonna get covered in
dragon guts, you're out of your mind!
TIMMY
Yeah. You're right. I'll make Wanda the sword.
WANDA
What? NO! Hey, how about the big, glowing
magical sword over there.
SIR FINKLEBERG
I, Sir Finkleberg, doth claim this sword,
Excalibur, as...
SIR FINKLEBERG
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 10
COURT JESTER
Aw... But ya gave it a good try..and We have
some lovely parting gifts for you!
COURT JESTER
The "Sword in the Stone" home game!
Finkleberg grasps the toy sword between his forefinger and thumb.
SIR FINKLEBERG
I claim this sword as...
SIR FINKLEBERG
AAAAA!
COURT JESTER
Let's hear it for him, huh? Next up, number
897! Please give a rousing 15th century
welcome to... Arthur Liebowitz!
LITTLE ARTIE LEIBOWITZ AND MERLIN THE MAGICIAN walk to the sword in the stone.
Arthur -- a completely nerdy shlub, with horn-rimmed glasses and a bowl haircut -
steps up to the sword.
MERLIN
That's King Arthur Liebowitz to you!
(to Artie)
Okay, Artie... I've already cast the spell...The
next shmoe who yanks the sword is gonna be
the King of England. Got it?
Artie is a nervous, nebbishy, squinty, young boy. He clearly has bad vision. Artie
talks to a TREE.
ARTIE
Whatever you say, Uncle Merlin.
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 11
MERLIN
I'm over here, Kid. And once you've get the
sword, I can hock it for gold and get us out of
this rat-hole town!
MERLIN
(embarrassed)
No... No... Over there.
Merlin sets Artie right. Just as Artie is about to pull the sword out, Timmy swoops in
and yanks it out first. He now holds the mighty sword - EXCALIBUR!
TIMMY
Sorry. No time. Parents a food group. Dragon
to slay. Gotta run!
COURT JESTER
(re: Timmy)
'Tis the new king of England!
SIR FINKLEBERG
He of pink horse and rank shield! We must
follow his glorious path!
Finkleberg raises his sword in glory... And dislocates his arm yet again.
SIR FINKLEBERG
AAAA!
The rest of the CROWD raises FLAGS with TIMMY'S "CREST" already upon it.
CROWD
All hail king... (beat)
(Walla) what was that kid's name?
MERLIN
(coughing)
Arthur!
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 12
CROWD
ARTHUR! KING ARTHUR!
ARTIE
But, Uncle Merlin, I'm not the King.
MERLIN
Not yet, Artie! But I want people to get used to
the idea. I'm gonna make you king. A great
king. And then, more importantly, I'll be a great
rich Uncle of a great king.
ARTIE
But I can't even see! Can't you use your magic
to make some sort of glass thing to put in front
of my eyes that improves my vision?
MERLIN
That's crazy talk! Do you want them to burn
you like a witch? Come on! We gotta get you
kingified!
Merlin waves his hands and the two disappear in a cloud of MAGICAL MYSTERY
SMOKE.
DISSOLVE TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
ANGLE ON A CORRAL with TEN TERRIFIED COWS looking out. Mom and Dad -- still in
the cow suit -- look on with complete amusement.
MOM
(to ordinary cow)
So? Are you enjoying the fair?
COW
Moooooo.
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 13
DAD
I don't care if you have a better costume,
nobody MOO's my wife!
The dragon's CLAW reaches in and grabs the cow Mom and Dad are talking to. The
dragon lifts the cow up to it's snout -- picks up a SALT SHAKER, salts the cow, and
tosses it in his mouth.
MOM
What a great, realistic Dragon ride!
DAD
Pick us next!
CUT TO:
MERLIN
Awright, we might have missed the sword but if
we find the Holy Grail, you're sure to be king of
England!
ARTIE
But I can't see anything.
MERLIN
My magical powers will lead us to the Grail.
Merlin pushes the shrubs aside, only to see Timmy and his followers near a
stream.
TIMMY
Argh! Do my feet hurt! No wonder metal shoes
never caught on. Let's rest and grab some
water.
TIMMY
Ow!
TIMMY
What the- A cup? Hey, did somebody drop this?
CROWD
Huzzah! He has found the Holy Grail!
SIR FINKLEBERG
He's even more the king than he was five
minutes ago! (raises his sword - POP!) AAA!
MERLIN
(fuming) Darn it!
DISSOLVE TO:
Merlin and Artie <POOF!> in just in time to see lots of BARBARIANS landing on the
shore.
MERLIN
Okay... I'll use my magic to help you defeat the
conquering horde of Huns, and your victory will
make you King!
ATTILA
Remember men -- sack their villages and THEN
burn them. I don't want a repeat of last
Wednesday.
HORDE
(apologetic walla)
ATTILA
Nothing can stop us!!!
Timmy, riding Wanda and carrying Cosmo and Excalibur, trots into scene.
TIMMY
Hey, have you guys seen a dragon?
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 15
ATTILA
Uh... Wait. There's a dragon here?
HORDE
FLEE! FLEE LIKE THE WIND!
The horde and Attila run like their tushies are on fire.
SIR FINKLEBERG
He has frightened the barbarian hordes! He
has saved all of England! Again! He's the
kingiest! Huzzah!
(Raises his sword. POP!) AAAA!
MERLIN
Dagnabit! Well, there's no choice. The only
way to get you to be king of England is for you
to slay that dragon.
ARTIE
You mean, you use your magic to help me slay
the dragon? Right?
MERLIN
No. Dragon's are impervious to magic. You're
on your own, Sport!
ARTIE
What?
Merlin waves his hands and Artie disappears in a CLOUD OF SMOKE. Merlin pulls out
an UMBRELLA DRINK and chills out.
DISSOLVE TO:
Mom and Dad, still in the cow suit, stand next to one remaining cow in the corral. The
dragon looks at them... and takes the last real cow.
COW
Moo?
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 16
DAD
Hey! We were here first!
MOM
Well, this ride looks worth the wait! I wonder
where it lets out?
CUT TO:
TIMMY
I wonder if we're if close to the dragons' lair?
COSMO
As they say in the middle ages - that's a big
ten four good buddy!
DAD (O.S.)
Yay! We're next!
TIMMY
My parents! Guys! You gotta help me fight the
dragon!
WANDA
Uh... actually, Timmy, dragons are impervious
to magic!
COSMO
So we'll be with you in spirit!
POOF! Cosmo and Wanda poof up some SIPPY DRINKS and POOF OS.
TIMMY
(BEAT) Guys?
COSMO
Well, it was worth a shot.
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 17
CUT TO:
Timmy pops into frame. Cosmo and Wanda pop in... And then start flickering in and
out of focus.
TIMMY
Hey, what's up with you guys?
WANDA
The dragon's magic is too strong! It's pushing
us away! It's hard to stay in focus!
COSMO
Welcome to my world!
WANDA
Good luck Timmy!
DAD (O.S.)
Wee!! I can see my house from here!
TIMMY
Mom! Dad!
CUT TO:
Timmy runs in. In the distance, we can see Mom and Dad (in the cow suit) being lifted
by the dragon. The dragon is slow roasting Mom and Dad with small bursts of FLAME.
MOM
This is so realistic!
Dad pulls out his reading glasses and looks at his hand, which is now smoking.
DAD
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 18
TIMMY
Hey, you big, stupid lizard! Leave my parents
alone!
Timmy hurls the sword with all his might. It flies at Mom and Dad, severs the cow suit
in two, splits it open and lets Mom and Dad fall free. Dad's glasses land at the foot of
the dragon. The dragon eats the cow suit.
DAD
Well, that was anti-climactic.
MOM
Let's get some Camelot pie!
DAD
Ow! The blisters! I mean...Neat! The blisters!
Mom and Dad head off. The sword flies back into Timmy's hand like a boomerang.
TIMMY
Wow! This magic sword rocks!
ARTIE
Excuse me? Have you seen a dragon around
here?
The dragon spies Timmy and Artie, lets out a tremendous roar and shoots a massive
FIREBALL at them. Artie just stands there.
TIMMY
Get down!
Timmy leaps and pushes Artie out of the way, just as the flames shoot through scene.
TIMMY
What's the matter with you?
ARTIE
I don't see very well.
TIMMY
Well, I can't do this by myself.
Hang on, Dude.
Timmy runs at the dragon, dodging bursts of fire and dives for Dad's glasses. Luckily,
he barely manages to nab them and...
DRAGON
<<ROARS!!!>>
Timmy runs back and dives behind the ROCK he and Artie are hiding behind, just as a
burst of flame hits it.
TIMMY
Here ya go! When we die a horrible flaming death,
you deserve to see it too!
ARTIE'S POV -- we see the glasses go over his eyes. Timmy, the dragon and
everything in the cave go from fuzzy to in focus.
ARTIE
Everything's so clear..
ARTIE
I... I can see!
(extremely deep voice)
I CAN FIGHT!!!!
Artie flexes his muscles. His CAP falls off, revealing long, flowing blonde locks. He rips
through his tunic revealing he's the studliest ten- year-old stud in all of England. With
the most glorious back-lit glow in the history of animation, Artie stands poised for
battle. Timmy hands Artie Excalibur.
TIMMY
Here ya go.
ARTIE
I thanketh thee. (to sword)
I shall calleth thee: the "Shining Blade of
Liebowitz!"
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 20
TIMMY
How about "Excalibur"?!
ARTIE
That works too!
(to the dragon)
Have at thee, Fire Demon!!!
CUT TO:
Timmy runs out just as Cosmo and Wanda poof into scene.
COSMO
Hey, Sir Sport! You're not dead!
COSMO
And even though I lost a bet, I'm glad to see
ya!
WANDA
How'd the battle go?
TIMMY
It was amazing! Artie's gonna kick that
dragon's...
PTUI! Artie's skeleton, still wearing the glasses and holding the sword, lands at
Timmy's feet. LONG BEAT.
TIMMY
Uh... Guys?
WANDA
Well, we could take a crack at it.
Poof! Artie, as the MANLY STUD, comes back to life. He picks up the sword.
ARTIE
I can breathe!
(deep voice)
I CAN FIGHT!!!
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 21
ARTIE (O.S.)
PTUI!!!
The DRAGON'S SKELETON flies out of the mouth of the cave and sails over the cliff.
CUT TO:
Sir Finkleberg and the rest of the PEASANTS are mulling about. The dragon's skeleton
lands in front of them.
SIR FINKLEBERG
He has slain the dragon! He is the true king!
Huzzah!!!
SIR FINKLEBERG
AAA!
CROWD
FOOD!!!!!!!!
CUT TO:
Artie and Timmy stand triumphantly, looking down upon the crowd. Cosmo and
Wanda float nearby.
CROWD
All hail King Artie!
TIMMY
That's Arthur!
CROWD
Whatever!
ARTIE
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 22
TIMMY
Uh..you might wanna go with a round table.
ARTIE
Right!
MERLIN
Artie! Baby! I Knew you could do it!
CUT TO:
Merlin, beaten and dishevelled, lands next to the hungry crowd of peasants.
CROWD
Oh boy! Seconds!
FREEZE FRAME - camera PULLS BACK revealing the splendors of Medieval England, as
though they were a picture in a storybook. In fact...
TIMMY (V.O.)
And so, Artie Leibowitz became King Arthur, Sir
Finkleberg, with his one arm, became the
world's first slot machine, and the dragon
never barbecued anyone again.
Timmy and his parents - Dad now wears a blue ribbon - with Cosmo and Wanda in the
fishbowl - are reading a KING ARTHUR STORYBOOK. On the cover, King Arthur wears
HORN-RIMMED GLASSES. Timmy closes the book.
TIMMY
The End.
MOM
That was a wonderful story, Timmy.
The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas 23
DAD
Thanks for reading it to us, Son. You know, with
my burnt hands and bad eyes, I couldn't have
held or read that book.
TIMMY
No sweat, Dad. All in a night's work.
Timmy looks at Cosmo and Wanda in the fishbowl. A Merlin-fish <POPS> in.
MERLIN
You guys mind? I'm lookin' for a new gig.
FADE OUT.
THE END